I stumbled onto this article looking for articles about ‘what do bf/gf relationships look like after 40’. Im 43, my boyfriend, whom i met online 4 years ago, is 40. We each have our own house, i share my house with my mother and 12 year old son, my boyfriend lives alone, never married and no kids. We are both so set in our personal lives that we only see each other on the weekends and i dont see an end in sight for this limited relationship. So far im content the way things are, but im curious as to, is this normal when dating after 40?, at this age most people have a set live and bringing two separate families, homes, worlds together seems so difficult. Im seriously thinking this is it until we both retire and then we will mesh everything together, this way there is les disruption for my son, my work, his work, etc.

Great article! Thanks!

For anyone for whom online dating works, that’s great, and I shouldn’t have ‘blanket’ ruled it out. All my suggestion was geared towards, is that online dating can be disheartening for some – and although it is a lot of effort to meet people (on or offline), that it’s worth the effort to try to find the right person even if online doesn’t work for you. I’m sure everyone’s heard the cliches about meeting offline, but a really great place to meet people is volunteering or philanthropic fields. You’re already meeting other people who might have a bit more generosity of spirit, it will likely give you better perspective on where you are in life, and you will never feel bad about helping good causes.

I’m not even sure how I ended up on this link (the vagaries of google search I suppose), but I’d like to sound a positive note.
I’m a single man, just turned 40. Dating has only gotten better over the course of my 30s – part of that has been location – I left a dating backwater of a town (Houston) for a vibrant global alpha city at 38 – but a lot has also been due to personal changes. When I was younger, I had ‘all the tools’ – but I just hadn’t put them all together. So while I did ‘okay’ on the dating front, it has literally felt like the quality of women I date continues to get better and better. (It also didn’t hurt that I got better at figuring out which girls shared my values, rather than simply my tastes or shared interest in hobbies. Values are just much more fundamental.)
I will say that striking up a connection in real life requires a lot of energy (which with my career, isn’t always possible, and there are times where I just have to accept it). But you can’t get down on that – try again when you have energy. I think it’s also important not to generalize or label … but it’s important to notice your own ‘negative’ mind-sets. My line of work leads to a lot of negative thinking, so I’ve had to do a lot of conscious work to eliminate negative thinking, particularly in the dating realm. You can further support this by then focusing on dating other people who are positive as well.
I’d steer almost anyone away from online dating – it’s time costly, doesn’t have great returns, and has a great propensity to make a simple error of omission (someone else just got busy) into something that feels more negative (which then gets you back on the negativity bandwagon).
One last thing I will point out, is that as one gets older (and other people pair off / are ‘removed’ from ‘the market’), strictly sticking to a narrow age band is counter-productive. I’d encourage everyone to broaden their horizons – I’ve done so, and it greatly increases the options. I tend to get really energized by energetic, upbeat people, who are into new ideas (lol yes I work in the startup arena) – my last three girlfriends fit this profile / shared my work ethic – they all happened to be in their mid-20’s. If I had ‘ruled them out’ before getting to know them because they weren’t in a strict, arbitrary age band (or for the fact that two of them weretaller than the ideal height my ‘lizard brain’ seeks), I would have missed out on some great connections.

Micheal, this was the most rational comment I have read. I do not like much of what Bobbie says here, but maybe she’s rustling my Shadow. I’ll have to see. I’ve been separated since 2003, divorced in 2004, and have not lived with a partner since my ex husband. My son just turned 18 and has moved on, however to note he is significantly impacted by his disability is important I feel. Or so I was told. Over and over and over again by “friends” and “family”. I was born into a den of vipers. My son had nothing to do with it because I’m still sitting alone on any given night. I was told my son required too large of a sacrifice. It wasn’t me. I have come to realize that most of the people I have known are assholes. Love is nothing if there is no sacrifice. What is love if there isn’t the pain in your heart at seeing the object of your love lacking something? So you do what you can because they are more important to you than whatever it was you gave up. I’m not talking about codependency. There is a grey area, but I’m talking about not wanting to get married again. It’s expensive to undo. But my last partner and best friend wanted to be a groom. I had to explain to him that I could change my mind on that. It wasn’t a deal breaker. If he wanted to get married at some point I could analyze my views and probably change them. Because his happiness means more to me than some stubborn pride. It still means more to me, even though he has been gone over a year now. I Fabre love someone we want the very best for them. And if the very best isn’t me, it hurts but I don’t want to hold him back or weigh him down. I have a feeling it has more to do with me being more of a match for wits and intelligence which does not give him the position he’s use to. But that could very well be ego. When I do go online and I can meet someone who isn’t engaging in self love while we talk, and we connect and then meet, I have received the “for full disclosure I wanted to let you know I’m in a non monogamous marriage that the little lady doesn’t know about.” To which I reply something about the amount it will cost them for me to do what she won’t. I have honed my skills over time. I must be worth more that a 20 year old prostitute. Plus I’m hourly, bit contract. I’m not getting the social respect or financial help of a partner. But they want me to be the prostitute that doesn’t charge?? Please take into consideration how long I’ve been dating. I am bitter, but I feel it has been hard won because Pollyanna did not want to die. I remember when you had to have to have a back story for how you met because it was shameful to date online. I feel as though I will now wait for spouses to start dying before I find someone that doesn’t resemble a dark ocean fish. But then I remember if I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel that sitting in a nuclear waste plant, I too am standing on the bottom of that barrel. And no one is clamoring to scrape me up.

Could not agree more, Puki! I’m 47, and in 2001, took stock of who and what I was attracting in relationships. Broke the pattern and (largely) attracted quality women. Best part? They came to me. A good woman who knows what she wants will go after it. The last one made it clear, and she wined and dined me. Very happy relationship with this woman!

I know i get turned off every time a man says woman are crazy or gold diggers or any other type of negative comment, obviously it goes both ways.
Unfortunately, there are way too many narcissistic man and part is society’s doing. There are also quite a bit of very broken one’s.
I do have to say that it is hard to find quality man in some areas more than others, thus I am considering very strongly to move.
My experience has been that men get sex way to easy and have no interest in waiting for it unless you have a pretty good bank account or they still like the chase and dump you when they get it. Even the one’s that don’t do that many times have someone they are sleeping with.
Men are just as messed up us women but sometimes is a bit worse for us because they, in my opinion cause more emotional damage to us.
Most quality men i have met have awful boundaries with the ex wife, they over compensate for the loss of the family and don’t have good bondaries.
And Many that don’t deal with paternal responsibilities and their exwife’s needs(unfortunate reality), are too selfish and don’t like serious responsibilities.
I do believe that a lot of men have unrealistic expectations and that porn is extremely damaging making them believe in some level their needs are more important and degrade women.. again not all but quite a bit.

I agree with looking at ourselves and seeing why we can’t find someone but the article is limited.. there is certainly a bigger problem in society when it comes to this and it can’t be fixed by blaming women or expecting her to fix it .
Ultimately if we don’t want to be alone forever we must comply but i think the bitterness comes from feeling victimized over and over again not just by love but by other women and society as well.

This makes me so annoyed. Would I date a woman with small breasts? Yes, yes, yes. A hundred times over. It hurts me to think of the women that might read this and feel insecure about themselves because of it. Even the word “small” is incorrect. All breasts are perfect.

Chuney is now divorcing that good woman, because he never learned to be faithful and honest with her. As he stated he had a hard time learning to trust me because of his past relationships. He constantly kept all of these other women around, lied about them, and in turn ruined the trust in our marriage. I now understand why he would call me “Princess”, I guess he learned that term here. However, what he didn’t learn is that I am not the “Princess”. I am not the woman impressed by materialistic things. Materialistic things don’t show me you love me. He thought buying me a home showed he loved me.
However, I owned my home from age 25….we married when I was 33. Therefore, I wasn’t looking to have a home bought for me. I am the woman impressed by your honesty, faithfulness, and trust. I am the woman that looks for quality time with you and your interest in my dreams not just your own. Unfortunately, he never understood that or tried to understand. He repeatedly violated my trust, was dishonest, and unfaithful so we never got our relationship back on track after his first mistake. He probably should have remained single as he said in his reply, because he was not ready for me.

Hi there CS! This is my first time on this website and your comment struck me deeply. As a woman in my early 40s, I feel a similar way about not having been married or having many relationships. (I fall into the Scaredy Cat category.) From my perspective, I don’t think it says anything about you, people grow and wake up to realize what they want and need are not being addressed. I hope you meet lovely and compassionate people who honor your journey and can provide safety for you to continueyour path. This experience may be incredibly painful but I wish you the very best of luck.
Laura

I appreaciate you so much how to meet a serious guy who is at least 38-45 years

I know it’s been a few years since this post was published, but as an imminent male divorcee, I really appreciate it. I am 38, and by the time this unfortunate process is finished, I will be approaching 40. More than the six archetypes you outline here (which I can understand may seem reductionist to many women, and hence offensive), what I’m most afraid of is being shamed by women for being divorced in the first place, as well as the fact that at my age, I am only now just completing my education (a long and painful doctoral degree in the humanities), beginning my career in earnest, and have neither children nor property, nor even much by way of savings. Any advice as to how I can be at peace with the likelihood of facing a very judgmental post-divorce dating landscape?

Your article was helpful to me. I can honestly vouch that some of these behavior behavior patterns exist, especially when you are new to dating after almost 25 years of marriage, raising kids, and focusing on your career. I was so excited about finding my true love at 47, but I had NO idea about the dating world in 2018. First date, the guy had no hair and a limp when his pictures clearly showed lots of hair and him waterskiing and playing golf. Fine. Still attractive. Just be honest! Then he tried to grope me in the parking lot afterwards and I had to explain that I didn’t feel comfortable since we just met. Second guy, incredibly handsome, white teeth, boring, or maybe I was boring, which made me very nervous and that made me never want to date again. I pressed on. Third guy, my height, talked nonstop, lots of laughing, five mini low-key dates later, I broke it off because of a few things he said (never wants to remarry, doesn’t believe in organized church, and maybe my parents died because of me – I think he thought that was funny). I never really explained (in a 18-year-old kinda way). Then I didn’t date for a year and a half. What I did do was join some groups that included both men and women and spend some time talking with single people my age. NOT dating groups, but hiking, dining, trivia night, card game playing groups. It helps tremendously to hear their stories and frustrations with dating, and just get comfortable with being in the single world. Join a singles dating group online and hear what the men (or women, whomever you are seeking) are saying. Watch comedy and lighten up. Also, if you can get into the silliness of it, watch New Girl. The whole show is about dating lots of people and the characters’ reactions. Decide what you’d like to spend the rest of your life doing and where, not super specifically, but be sure you know something about what you want and focus on that. Say THAT on your dating site. I haven’t found the right person yet, but I am WAY more comfortable talking to older single men now and I’m not as awkward about it. I just try to be myself. I am hopeful there are some good guys out there.

Again. A man should be so lucky to meet any “types” of these women…..because we are tired of competing with your porn addictions and your cam girls and your naked lady chat rooms. Deleting stuff left and right. Every. Single. One. Of. You. Lie. About. What. You. Do. Online.

All of you men do.

Honestly, you talk about “mature” “grown up” men? Give me a break.

You don’t deserve any woman because you all live in a self fulfilling “me and my dick” world.

This list is funny!

I am 45 single and never had a girlfriend. I am an ugly introvert… this use to get me down in my 20s and 30s but now I am quite happy with many strong male friendships. I enjoy browsing this site to see how the dating world looks even if I will never partake in it. Keep up the good work Bp.

What a singularly patronising and demeaning (to men and women) article. I can’t stand anything that labels and compartmentalises – it’s misleading and quite frankly, completely unintelligent. People aren’t any one thing – we are fluid and mutable (hopefully) and this article is nothing but insulting. But then, if you want to put yourself in a category and stamp a label on your arse, don’t expect to achieve those things in life that will fulfill you as an individual or as part of a couple. Women have fought long and hard enough to stand up and be counted and then someone goes and tries to put them back in a box…….

Bobbi
You mentioned the evolution of dating since covid. I actually started dating someone during quarantine and was seeing them on a regular basis. How do you think covid will impact dating? Because of quarantine all of our dates were at our homes. Does this speed up the normal dating cadence? Do you think people will be more or less likely to seek out relationships?
Thx

Hi Mark… I wish you luck, don’t give up. Im out here ❤️

Great article. I am a 51 year old man who has dated each of these types of women, several times over. Fascinating to see how you broke them down so accurately. Do you happen to have a similar article with regards to men? Would love to see where I fall. Its a shame that we have made dating and finding a partner so difficult. Almost seems like people would rather look for reasons to not like someone than the opposite.

Mark,
I hope you are having better luck. Dating websites are awful. I live in a small town with no single men my age (45) and it is scary to keep putting myself out there online. I’m an honest, loyal, caring women who wants to share her life with someone. Why is finding a nice guy so difficult? Best Wishes,
Ginger
(yes it’s my real name, I am not a stripper! – my crazy attempt at humor…)

After many years of observation and personal experience I came to the conclusion that in order to maintain the level of initial attraction high, there is a definitive need of a certain amount of Game and all these little things that spice up the relationship, and the things that makes one preserve his/her value. The secret is to find the appropriate proportion of sometimes contradictory behaviours and tendencies (empathy Vs selfishness, dependency Vs dominance etc..)

Independent – I agree 100% with your comments! Well said.

Very well said Sarah. It’s important to have “deal breakers” that set relationship expectations and boundaries. From there, trust is built on a solid foundation with great communication.

I hope your heart has found healing.

If the above descriptions of women are all we have to go by I probably could never get out of bed in the morning. Keep in mind, there are absolutely no experts on this site.

I see a lot of unhappy people of both sex’s here. Ladies, would you date a guy who is 5’5 and otherwise meets all your criteria? Guys, no matter how old you are would you date a woman with small tits?

Same thing. If you’re completely and totally ready for a relationship and you can’t honestly answer one of the above questions honestly or if you can but you can’t get past the fact that someone is not perfect then you’re not ready to date, and you’re always going to be looking for something that doesn’t exist.

What is up with all these very pathetic women nowadays that are very high maintenance along with their very high standards that they now have for many of us single men? I just want to meet a good woman to just accept a good man like me for who i really am. Is that too much trouble?

I have been reading the comments of all of those men above 40 who would be happy to have a lovely woman next to them who would appreciate them.
Right. Guys, please, for your own good and those of your future girlfriends, raise your standards above this.
I am at 36 and the man I loved more than everything (44) broke up with me after a year of serious relationship saying that he never managed to fall in love with me. Before meeting me he used to have exactly that criteria – “I only want a woman who will love me and be good and caring to me”. Well…he found one which loved him unconditionally and would have been ready to do anything for him. I am not a stunning beauty but if I even get out on the street I will grab enough attention to go to a date.
That’s not the point. The point is in building realistic expectations (neither too low, nor too high) about who we want to be with. I wish my ex boyfriend has done this before making an attempt for a relationship with me. Because it is truly heartbreaking to invest so much in loving someone and to understand that it wasn’t mutual.

It’s fantastic that you are comfortable with where you are in life. That is a coveted achievement. In about to hit my mid 40s, a year out of a bad marriage and with two young children – I’d say the odds are pretty much stacked against me yet I’ve not given up on love. Far from ready to get back into the dating game, this site has given me great hope for what is still to come.

I couldn’t agree more. I’ve only just found this site and while I’m not ready to start dating just yet, it certainly gives me hope. Negativity is the last thing I need.

I have little doubt in my mind that you are my person!!
All too coincidental. Freaked me out a little.

There are WAY too many reasons this can happen and I try not to dwell on it at all. It could be anything. My ex-husband did this to women through online dating sites because it did something for his ego. They didn’t know he was married and would never really meet them, but he’d make plans and even send them flowers. That’s just one reason this could happen. Maybe his ex-girlfriend showed up and they worked it out. Maybe he lost his nerve. Maybe he didn’t feel it. Move on. There are plenty others.

Where can I meet this gentleman?

I am in the same boat as a women I find it so hard to find a man who connects with me on my level. Men I have met make me feel like its a privilege being with a man on a date because there are so many single women looking for men, that men can have their pick. I am a 45 year old African American woman who has two good jobs, my own house and I am attractive. The problem with being an attractive women is that men want sex more than commitment or the commitment comes with strings I want no parts of. The new thing for me is men around the age of 26 try to date me. Which is a whole new experience I don’t thing I want to even try. I have tried dating sites and get so turned off by it that I feel like its time to give up and just get a dog. I didn’t know it would be so hard at my age to try to meet men who I can build something with. Mark you say that its hard for you, its also hard for women and it may be even harder for us because there are not a lot of good men around…

As a man squarely in middle-age, I can reflect on the choices of my youth a bit more wisely. The truth is, I’m only recently fully ‘ready’ for a great, healthy, long term relationship, and it required a lot of self-work to get there. While I’m certainly not inexperienced at relationships, I have gone long, long stretches as single and without the slightest hint of a companion in my life. I never jumped in and out of relationships and often avoided, as I realize in retrospect, the opportunities that presented themselves. This was because, above all else, I was insecure in myself and more importantly what I could offer another person. I *never* wish to go into a relationship without the capabilities of being a great partner to that person. And yet, I haven’t often been positioned to be a great partner, for a variety of reasons, most of which were in my own head.

Mid-40s now, and I have myself together and I’m in a better place than I ever have been. I have a stable, successful albeit not particularly interesting career that I’ve been building for nearly 20 years. I’m a homeowner in a pricey city. I’m responsible. I’m financially stable but not wealthy or rich. Just squarely and simply a middle class man. I’m in wonderful shape and healthy, having committed myself a couple years ago to regaining the body of my youth, which I’ve done! I’m a very nice looking man, to be perfectly honest, and definitely as a single man in his mid-40s, I’m well positioned within that ‘demographic’ to have success on the dating scene.

And yet, opportunities are next to non-existent now. I’ve tried dating sites. They aren’t for me. That’s not my style. I don’t like interviewing for a relationship, which is what nearly every ‘online date’ has felt like to me. This has to work organically for me or it won’t work at all. And out in the world, this issue is the world itself. Women don’t look at me. Eye contact is unheard of while out in the wild. My personality is not well suited to striking up random conversations and on top of that, since childhood, I’ve understood that most women don’t want to be harassed by a strange man. Long, long before #metoo, I recognized the boundaries that so many other men have no problems crossing. I don’t cross those boundaries, and probably to my failing, as some of these boundaries were’t really boundaries at all, but only my imagination.

The point being, I see no chances for me anymore. I either have to go out of my way to harass every single woman I find interesting, or wait for them to show a bit of interest in the first place. That doesn’t happen. All I want a woman to demonstrate just a little bit of interest in me, just a little, and I’ll take that leap. From my experience, and I say this with as little bitterness and judgement as possible, with the greatest amount of understanding as possible, because this isn’t easy for anyone… I feel like middle-aged women do not always, or often, or really ever in my case, own their responsibility for meeting a good man. And I am a good man. I just need a chance…

Interesting, I stopped dating at 35. In fact i would say that most of my male friends have given up on women.

I can’t imagine why I would bother at this point (I’m about to turn 40)

I was one of those guys that wanted a family, unfortunately the women I met in my 20’s weren’t interested. I’m shy around women so I usually wait for them to ask me out which doesn’t happen very often. Many were more interesting in partying and chasing bad boys while I was advancing my career , ironicly with the goal of being able to support a family.

Once I hit the big 30 I realized that the majority of women who wanted a family had already had their children and I have zero interest in raising someone elses children. I tried online dating, although according to the site I was very popular (I’m 6’2″ and very fit) I went on a few dates then called it quits after a few weeks, lesson learned. Frankly, reading the list of “demands” women gave online was giving me a bad opinion of women.

I’ve learned to be good by myself, I have a big family and love being the uncle to ten kids!

Dating is for the young, if you don’t find your one and only in your 20’s your going to be alone in your thirties.

That’s hilarious, and spot on.

I do not see a single cat agora here that is actually positive to women. Where’s the category for women who sincerely want to spend their life in a loving relationship?

Yes!!

I’m a man, 47, with a terrible separation behind me (my wife, 15 years together) developed mental illness and ruined her/our life, when her grandmother died), I’m 1 year out of the relation and finally enough recovered after 3-4 years of hell, to meet someone. Been dating for 4-5 months, and finally met one of you in this type, it’s rare I’ll tell you, and I’m really happy as the last 2 years all I’ve done is active work on myself, still do, still in therapy, and would never enter a relationship with a women who’s not of this type, and who’s not conscious about herself.

I cant believe someone would go that far to work on “themselves” just to land a mate. I too read many articles telling me im not good enough for someone unless I buy a big home, have a masters degree, climb mount everest, be chef in the kitchen and a master 50 shades of grey contortionist in the bedroom. All of this is not who I am! if I have to do all this just to land a partner, and worse upkeep being even more amazing as time goes on then im living for them…not me! Im a normal, everyday human being, not superwoman. if this is what people expect, you go out of your way to be amazing only to get replaced for the next more amazing than you …and I did have this happen. My idea of a relationship is two people, relaxing and chilling and just living life with limited worries, working together to build a life we both want. not working to pay for plastic surgery or classes to keep my partner interested solely. None of these articles know what real women want and that upsets me. how dare they tell us were not good enough? when I see overweight, poor, disabled, not attractive and limited educated people holding hands, laughing and kissing all around me! the single men in my area only want rich young women. the men over 45 are gold diggers here and they demand 18/30 year olds that are hot and thats the only requirements they need, all the others are either gay, or married to avoid loneliness and serial cheaters/open marriages (their wives dont care). this is why i gave up years ago. I feel for those who do all this thinking or being told they are not good enough and must work on being someone else in order to find love, if thats what you have to do, be someone else, then id rather stay alone for life than to live a life faking to be someone im not. life is too full of worries and surviving is hard enough let alone worrying about if im not this or that my partner will leave me bs!

Omg! You are all that you can be and MORE! You have been there and done that! You are a beautiful person inside and out and have such drive that I admire so! You will find your ‘soulmate’ I believe- I have to- I believe we have more than one in this lifetime. I sadly, recently lost mine( not the one that I have been with the last almost 20 years) I’m not sure exactly what this life wants me to do, but I certainly don’t think that I have learned what I am supposed to. It’s not been easy the last few years. I’m just wondering how much more can I take? Apparently, we’re only given as much as we can take, but seriously now? Damn! Life is not easy and not fair. Some of us need to learn the hard way, stubbornness, I chalk it up to be. Idk! I just want to find my place in this world, what exactly I’m supposed to be. But, I am feeling very disheartened with experiences in my relationships as of late. I don’t know what to do. So I am going home for Christmas( I live about 100 or so miles away from my family)Connection is where it’s at. We are all connected- as soon as we figure that out, the world would be a nicer place to live. Sorry, didn’t mean to go on. Damn holiday season and a couple of drinks get me going.. Lol.. No seriously tho… Have a Merry Christmas all you guys and gals out there!! We need happy days! Until next time. Talk Later , Dee

Well I’m a 35 year old freshly divorced woman and I ain’t mad at no body. I also don’t speak for other people because the point is to relate not ruminate . Ruminating can be done all alone. It is rude to pull others into that bad thought habit.

I’m a 46 year old woman. Early this year I lost my husband of 17 years. We had a mixed marriage. While initially it was great, for the last 5-6 years it was a living hell. He was an alcoholic. I loved him dearly and could not tolerate the thought of him being alone, so I stayed married. Plus my son’s super attached to him.
So, after he passed, I had a tough time and eventually came out of it because I could sense my son was feeling lonely and missing my usual chirpy, fun self.
This is my reality. A few months ago, a friend recommended the dating site, Bumble, and I signed up. The response was overwhelming to say the least. Though, I soon realised I didn’t know why I was there. I mentioned that to men who I got chatting with. Some who were looking for relationships, moved on. Some who wanted to hook up, moved on too. A few were plain batty!
Eventually, I met one of the guys. He was amazingly sweet. Caring. Wanted to know how my day was. And I know it was genuine.
While he’s not good to look at, I felt comfortable enough to continue speaking with him. And even went on to get physically intimate. It was amazing!
We’ve known each other for 4 months now. We stay rather far away. Both of us have aging parents with serious medical conditions to look after. He’s a widower and loved his wife to no end. Even today speaks of her in the present tense. And btw he’s 5 years younger than me.
A few weeks ago, I happened to check his Bumble profile and realised he had added new pics and updated his text. I’d gone to check when we started chatting and was pleasantly surprised he was still active.
We’d discussed that we’ll see how it evolves and that we are very fond of each other. But had not spoken of exclusivity. We’d speak at least twice a day and text constantly. My heart would warm up every time I saw his text.
The only hiccup was that he would be reticent to meet. He directs movies and has been scouting for his next big project. Plus having to care for his parent. I attributed the reticence to these reasons.
Last weekend, I asked him to meet me and after we chatted, asked him about his Bumble update. He said he wants to explore the app and that he’s just ensuring that he’s got his profile details correct.
I mentioned that I’m a one man woman and that I’ve stopped exploring. And I said that if he does get close to someone, he needs to tell me. I’ll back out. He was upset that I was questioning his sincerity. Told me he respected me and that he would never do anything to hurt me.
We parted on a very nice note. Said our good nights, etc. This was late Saturday night. He’s not texted or called me since.
I’ve not been the first to text because I want him to process what I said. Am I right in thinking he’s decided to move on?
Apologies for the long post.

Hope – despite the stereotypes, I am a 46 year old man who is dating a 53 year old woman. So I am not only NOT dating a 27 year old gal, I am dating a woman who is 7 years older than me! I think Bobbi said (please correct if I am wrong) that most guys date women who are within 5 years of their age, and some of us like the wisdom and beauty of women who are older. There are always going to be the Mick Jagger, Peter Pan syndrome types. I suppose some guys who are older who have never had kids may want kids, but these men are in an extreme minority.

I don’t see how anyone can come to this site and be so bitter as a guy. First of all, as Bobbi says, this site is ultimately for helping middle aged women who are coming back to the dating scene, which is not easy. There are other places to complain if you wish to gripe about the way women have treated you in life, but keep in mind, it’s just a very small percentage of women, and it takes two to tango. Even in the one relationship where I was cheated on and treated horribly, and had the sympathy of every male & female around me, I made some errors I needed to learn from. Why I come here is that I see so many women my age who are expressing their hearts, and it’s reassuring that they just want the same things I do when it really comes down to it. It’s actually a site that brings hope to me. I don’t get the bitterness.

Well damn! Yep, I’m one of those. Unfortunately, I’m certain that was written by a woman & that no man recognizes or appreciates this type of single woman. Not being negative, bitter or anything else of the kind. Just being real.

I am so happy to report Bobbi that my date with my beautiful Asian sweetie went well, and we even shared a first kiss at the end of the afternoon! I can’t believe this is happening to me! I have never dated a woman that is older than me. I have no idea why. I found out she’s 53 (6 years older), but she looks so much younger with that magical smile of hers 🙂 She invited me over to her place on Friday night where she promises to cook for me a special Chinese meal that her grandmother handed down to her. I love Chinese cooking. But what made me feel so special is that she said to me, “I want you to come over to my place because you put so much effort into making me special so far. I know it’s hard for guys like you to do that at first, but I want you to know that I understand it takes courage and I respect that. Most of all it makes me feel good.” You see, my Asian sweetie is a much more outgoing, extroverted person than me. And yet she’s not so social to where she doesn’t understand my perspective and my personality. She knew I could only take this so far before she had to take over the driver’s wheel! What’s also amazing is that I always been “vertically challenged” as a man – I might be 5 ft. 6 tops. She’s probably 2 or 2 and a half inches taller than me. She told me in her younger years that she might have felt pressure to date men who were much taller than her, but at her age, it’s so much more about the quality of the person: their values, their ability to stay loyal, their thoughtfulness, their kindness, how good of a listener they are and so on. I have always had these qualities, but I just never met the right woman for me who appreciated them. She seems and I am so happy. It’s still early, but I am very hopeful.

Yes!

I hate gender stereotypes, but if a man says he’s going to call and he doesn’t, and you have expressed eagerness in receiving his call, and he does not call, he’s not worth your time. The reason why I love this site and Bobbi’s input is that there is no “playing hard to get” agenda being suggested to single women. I am a very introverted man (never to be confused with being shy), but when I was at the supermarket last week, and an attractive Asian lady in her early 50’s (I just turned 46) was talking to me in the produce aisle for 10 minutes, and she said that she enjoyed my company and verbal wit and would like to get together sometime, my lame old cell phone was out in a millisecond getting her name and phone number! 2 days later, I suggested a cool new coffee house that had just opened up in town. She had been wondering about the place as well. We had a wonderful time talking (we went overtime!), and I am taking her out on a picnic lunch in a local national park on Sunday. I wouldn’t say my knees were sweating and I was hyperventilating on the coffee date. I just felt at ease with her. I am a little suspicious of the chemistry thing because my best girlfriend in the past was a woman who I wasn’t even attracted to until I got to know her through work for 4 months. The stereotype is that I am supposed to be more visual as a male, but I have fallen for plenty of women who I wasn’t originally super attracted to like my current date. But I am not going to deny that it is nice knowing right away that me and my new fancy seem to be really into each other right away. That said, if a man promises to call you back, and you have expressed real interest than cannot be mistaken and he fails to, next!

True and it takes time, discerning the trust and honesty and consistence of the potential attachment. People need to cool it and get to know each other. What’s the rush.

(keep) doing interesting things on the weekend. Then he can’t string you on forever. This has to get out of the office or nowhere.

I don’t understand why everyone’s politics are suddenly involved when a woman treats a man poorly.

I’m 40, and in the shallow end of the dating pool for the first time in 10 years. I’m finding out that meeting women face to face is now barely an option. Unfortunately, If a man speaks to a woman in person these days, there had better be a cash register between them, or he just might trigger something unfortunate.

Online dating seems to be the last path to a human relationship. Tindr, Bumble, whatever you’re comfortable with. That’s the deal.

My divorce was final a month ago, I have no kids, and I’m not (I don’t Think) an unattractive guy (I was a semi-pro athlete for over 10 years). I am not where I want to be when it comes to he standards I set for myself. I’m doing a lot of work on myself right now (physically, spiritually) but nobody seems to regard me as “undatable”.

I’m reasonably outgoing – I work in specialty retail and repair, so I HAVE to be – and I still get nowhere. Before my last relationship, I could meet and date women in person. I don’t know what the problem is.

One of the hardest things for me was giving up on having children.

I think it’s harder than being celibate for twenty years.

Someone online told me I needed to “work on myself and then I’d be more successful with women,.” I’m outgoing, I just don’t like to “hit” on women and I really don’t understand the rules in how I’m supposed to approach.

So I I went back to college and got a degree in engineering and another in art history and even took some women’s studies classes just to be more rounded. I took up rock climbing and cross country cycling and am in great shape.
I started volunteer work and have done a lot of rehab work for elderly.
I also learned to cook, not just a little my cousin is head chef at a four star restaurant and he’s been teaching me.

I even bought an old farm house and restored it because I watched a bunch of Hallmark movies to get an idea what women want and all the guys owned these beautiful old farm houses lol.

I decided that once I turn fifty I’m calling it quits, if I couldn’t attract a women when I was thirty I’m definitely not going to be able to at fifty and again, it’s to late for children of my own. I may be really fit and I definitely look younger, but I’m not going to be able to attract a women significantly younger that wants kids, especially one who shares my activity level.

At least I have my friends, who are mostly in the same situation.

Perhaps they weren’t really sure you liked them and weren’t confident enough to ask you out. You could possibly ask them, you know, be an equal partner.

You say that you don’t want a me-first factory, but truthfully, all you are concerned with is getting your needs met in one way or another. Just because you are willing to barter for it doesn’t change the fact that your number one agenda is to get your own needs met.

Hmmm….I’m thinking that is the dumbest thing to do. So when you find out she really likes you for who you are and then you decide to share with her that your lifestyle is nothing like you’ve portrayed, she’ll realize at that very moment that you are a huge liar, and she we no longer be interested in you at all! So if you want to find someone you can have a mature relationship with, don’t play those stupid games. There are less gold diggers out there than woman that are financially stable and are just looking for a fun, honest partner that is interested in having a grownup relationship.

I was recently told that match.com has done two different studies that have shown that men who who are 40 or over who have never been married is one of the worst red flags a man can have in online dating. Did any of these women ever consider a man like me: a man who absolutely never wanted to have children? The truth is that 90%+ of all American women in our society have kids through some sort of mechanism. Well wonder if you are a guy and you want no part of that?? The common viewpoint is that men who do not marry by 40 before must be emotionally immature, a womanizer or a mama’s boy. Look, some men just do not want to have kids. I knew plenty of men in their 30’s who went on dates and even became boyfriends with women who they KNEW wanted to have kids. But they simply did not. Because because they wanted the sex or the emotional closeness of a relationship, they stuck it out until their female partner finally caught wind of the fact that they did not want to have kids. Well I feel this is cruel to do to a female. While I realize we hear stories of these miracle babies that get born by 60 year women, the honest truth is that the more that women age, the less likely they are to to conceive. I feel men have an obligation to tell women they are seeing whether they wish to have kids or not. I never did. But that doesn’t make me emotionally immature, a womanizer or a mama’s boy. It makes me a mature man.

Hi,

I’m a smart, very attractive, truthful, supportive, good communicator. I’m kind and take the high road whenever I can. I am good at compromise, tge mo. If 4 millennials.

I’m sure you get the idea.

Men do contact me, if they are really inappropriate, like live very far away I usually am polite and answer them.

When someone contacts me that meets my criteria, even if they don’t meet all of it, I do give it a chance.

Usually, after a conversation some people ask me out immediately. The ones that don’t, when I’m sure we’ve enjoyed our conversation (1 hour) usually don’t follow through with a call back and a date.

It’s very puzzling. I do understand if the conversation isn’t satisfying, don’t call.

However, if it’s been a great, easy conversation which we both participated in, I simply don’t get it.

I’m a 47 year old white guy and i really like tattoos, they are damn sexy. I feel compelled to leave a little something in response though since I found your comment utterly offensive, misogynistic, and lacking in any type of intelligence or at least emotional maturity that I can tell. Well perhaps the best thing to say is that after reading your diatribe, I felt a little nauseous and then had a few dry heaves, had to take a walk so i wouldn’t think about vomiting. I don’t really think there is any help or advice that anyone could offer you either, in this day and age in the U.S. I highly doubt you will find a woman to put up with your nonsense. I would invest heavily in lubricant and tissue, sorry my dude.

I’m a 45 yr lady. Recently separated. I have found someone that I really enjoy his company. I do not have his number. He did tell me where he lives one day. Would it be ok to just send him a note saying I enjoyed talking to him? It’s been 20 years since I dated. He’s not on social media. Thanks!

Bobbi,
“Ummmm NO. Seriously….when we expect a man to pay for the first date making him SUPERIOR is what you come up with?”
Perhaps you misunderstood me, it is her that feels superior to him when she gets him to pay for her.
It’s hard to believe I know but many women, (the ones on this list) derive validation for their looks by getting higher value men to pay for them. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Look up the rise of the foodie call. Oh yes, it’s very real.
“Yah, this sounds like a bunch of old-fashioned bullshit. But after so many years I finally accepted…there is value in showing a nod to some natural way things have worked with men and women for eons. Hunter, gatherer, my friends. I would BET that most men (perhaps including you, Tom, would prefer a woman make you a lovely dinner than offer to pay for a date.)”
ABSOLUTLY! And my current partner did make dinner for me after the first few dates and first becoming friends. And I have been chivalrous in the past and I continue to do so. Experience in two long term relationships and three fleeting ones has proven that an imbalance exists in equal choices and equal responsibilities. Many ladies are just simply glutinous and looking for a free ride with money or domestic chores or excessive validation. There is a huge number of women from dysfunctional families where I am. I’ve been considerate and understanding and patient (admittedly to a fault) with some of these woman listed above. I manage to screen out the most obviously dangerous ones with red flags and I’ve improved there a lot. I can recognize things like covert narcissism, mood disorders and ptsd but just plain bad parenting is really hard to recognize until it’s too late.
It’s hard out there.
Hang in there and keep trying.

The concept of going dutch means 50% or aka equal responsibility. This generally indicates a persons willingness to assume an existing trend that will continue or that similar methods will be applicable in the future. How did you jump to an absolute conclusion that YOU would be paying for “everything” from that point on? In all honesty, your viewpoint would more accurately indication that it is HIM that will be paying for most everything starting with the first date simply because of his gender. Please expand on your line of reasoning. Because your aversion to Dutch reads like a future of: What’s mine is hers, what’s hers is hers. Rather than what’s mine is yours, what’s yours is mine. Perhaps you reverse the role on the second date. However, there would be no indication of that if your behavior is to be interpreted by the man from that first encounter.

Also, the use of the phrase “stepping up to the plate” sounds misandrist.

Implying that a man “step up to the plate” and pay for diner, reinforces the gender inequality that I thought we are all trying to prevent in the first place. I interpret a working woman’s aversion to Dutch as a her need for validation by a man paying for her, in that case, i’d think that she doesn’t really see him as an equal but more as in a superior position to him… No?

Seriously. Every comment a guy makes you are defensive.

So I’m a woman. My type does not appear above, must be because I’m not 40. I digress… I am Madly crushing over a 40year old. He’s a colleague. He works more than expected. Highly passionate about his job. My brain sat down one day, had a nap for 2weeks… During that time I smiled like a weirdo AT him. He reciprocated… He seems to have moments of shyness’ in front of his team where he ignores my presence. But later at the lunch area, he’ll sit with me and chat away. He said afew times he’d hate to leave, ending in a pun. … I’m at a loss too here. I feel strongly that chasing after him is the wrong choice. … Thought I’d share. It’s hard for us too you guys.

I don’t go to bars but have tried dating sites and I got disappointed , The replies seem the same, can I call you, text me, meet me, and i was wait for the one that says Hi , my name is ___ read your profile, I’m interested. Was that wrong , I just wanted to feel the caring part of a relationship.

I had gone over 3 years without a date myself. I’m a 44 yr old man, single, no kids, but with a high paying job in the oilfield. I found the love of my life last year. It wasn’t that hard. I figured out what I was really looking for in a life companion, then simply found a woman 2 years older that shared those same interests and desires. I found out that both partners must be open to communication at all times, willing to listen, willing to try new things, and most importantly, confident in themselves. Know thyself, love thyself, or you’ll never be able to truly love someone else.

They may not be gold diggers per se, but damned few where I live are willing to be a partner that cares to build anything. There’s a plethora of women not willing to run the race but are perfectly content to wait at the finish line to sleep with the winner.

Amanda. Don’t lose hope. There are plenty of men still looking for a best friend they can live their life with. Don’t worry. Just get out there and be yourself. I’m sure you’ll find someone who feels the same as you.

I think when a company has a no dating within the workplace policy it is more exciting to pursue it. We can always find a different job if that person turns out to be our future spouse and best friend. It’s just a job in the end. I guess I’m just still a little immature in that when a corporation says no, “well, I wasn’t planning on it, but now since you said I can’t, I’m definitely going to.” 🙂 Just date secretly if possible for a short spell, then revamp the resume. 😉

I never retreat!
Just advance in a different direction.

Ladies listen up. Weve been there already. Had the dumb blonde, smart corporate type, the actress, librarian, divorce w kids…here’s the thing.
If were looking for 1 thing in a woman its truth.
Loyalty comes from truth. We know your not 25, were not 25…at this point all we want is a woman who stands up for truth and loyalty…if you meet us, remember we went thru same crap heartbreak, crisis..you did. At this point- if you arent brave enough to see its later than you think, keep on walking. Men arent creeps, we’re tired of bullshit, how about we just talk and be honest about what we want. Be open enough to get what you project cause in the end…a good man will ALWAYS find a good woman…

Absolutely agree Doug! Thank you!

A best friend to stand by me! Absolutely my desire as well.

I speak from my experiences that I encountered from where I was living.
Had far to many dine and dash dates is why I said that.
Every city and state will vary in how dates go.

You been hurt we get it.
Spend time with yourself to find out why you are so angry.
Not health to be that mad and attempt to shame someone for Freedom Of Speech.

If you get married your wife should be your best friend.
Makes the marriage go better I am told.
I don’t want to die alone, where maybe after 2+ weeks they find my body where I live.
I think growing old alone is the worst way to die.

Hi,
I’m Doug and over 50.
A category I think you missed is the dreaded “Serial Dater”. They want to let you take them out and after diner they had to go. Over time I even saw where the wedding ring imprint was on their finger (which I started to look for), I’m sure men do this as well.
I don’t know how I do it, but could always find the one that just broke up, on the rebound, was not really into dating and even the ones that love the bad boy (I could never bring myself to be a bad boy to date, felt was beneath me).
I had 1 real GF in my whole life, but after 5 years could see she only wanted it her way and over time was conditional love (which I am opposed to). Broke it off with her and end of this year will make the start of my 8th year without a date.
The women I get interested in I watched how and what they talked about. Does not take me long to see who they really are so I don’t bother. I want to find a women who is like minded or at least in the ball park (most are far mentally from me as if they in the next state).
They women who I can see are interested(and sometimes a bit like minded), are not even average at all, they don’t take care of themselves or anything. They look 20+ years old then they tell me they are.
Few years back tried online dating for 2 years at 3 sites plus craislist (before personals was removed), sent out well over 500 messages, kept it breezy and even went as far to mention and remark on things they wrote about so they know I read their profile. I got 1 reply and she yelled at me “How dare you write me, it is clear we have nothing in common, don;t ever waste me time again.”, yikes, dodged a bullet on that one for sure.
The women where I live seem to act as if they need to be worshiped and stuff, even the unattractive ones. This is from to many men and not enough women. Oh well, not like I got enough money to move somewhere.
I used to be laughing and fun and full of life. Now I’m just uneventful and just want to sit to get the day over with. I’m so mentally and emotionally beat up I don’t even know what to do.
My friends GF is the only one in my whole life who tried to set me up with her gal pals. She has 5 friends in town and not one of them perks my interest at all. I am not into heavy set women, just the way it is.
I been called shallow many times to my face and online by women. My snarkey reply is “You men are shallow and only look at the skin. If you take time you will fall in love with her. Us women don’t do that, we are selective and it is very different from what you men do.” My retion reply is “If looks don’t matter, then why are we attracted to different looks and features over what another person is attracted to? Attraction is what starts the ball rolling.”
I am told I’m handson by many women who I know and don’t with out asking. They give me a funny look when I tell them I am normal looking because beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
My best analogy about people is this “We are like cell phones. We can be all on the same network, but some have a broadband and everyone connects with them, others are narrow band and connections are seldom.”
I really thought I would be like most people, have a GF, get married, kids, family and stuff. I was so wrong. I have a small family and mass relatives, I’m the only one who is still a SINK(Single Income No Kids). Over the years I quit talking with most of them, gets old hearing about their marrage, all they people they are dating, their kids and this and that. Of course they ask me what I am up to, I kind of tapper off the conversation or would change what we are talking about.
I read a few articles from women giving dating advice to women. They warn women of older men who never married or has kids then they go on to tell them they are afraid of commitment and stuff. LOL whatever.
Most churches I go to have events for kids, teens, young adults, college students, dating and golden oldies and widows. The age of 30 to 65 singles are totally non-existent and assumed you are married or dating. Here is a great article you would find highly interesting about singles and the church https://www.ncfamily.org/why-singles-often-give-up-on-church/
So unsure what advice you can give me considering I have been told so much in my life.
Thanks for your time,
Doug

One of the problems with relationships is they are turned into “me first” factories. The horrible truth is meeting needs gets your needs met. But most are too needy to meet needs. Such is life

Whoa. STRONGLY disagree about the ‘man should call or text everyday’ to show they are interested! In fact, my greatest peeve about giving a date my number are the annoying continuous texts asking ‘How’s your day?’ when I’m at work or whatever. I feel a bombardment of texts from someone I don’t know well or went on one date with is weirdly possessive and annoying. We’re adults and a text relationship is just junk. I like to actually meet men and have conversations, I’m not online dating to avoid real life relationships, which I think is what some women do and then wonder why a guy disappears. It’s not a true relationship to them, and then the women get mad and bitter when that guy disappears! Ug. Sorry, but bombarding women with messages is not good advice.

Lmao!

Just too many Gold Diggers these days that just want men with a lot of money.

Wooow,but not all woman are like that.

A lot of women are a mix of your description’s and I also think they are more than the descriptions you have said both men and women need honesty in there relationships and what they would like or see their future becoming there is a middle ground that has been missed and baggage with each that shouldn’t be ignored what about the kind caring types on both sides they seem to be totally excluded I don’t mean to sound angry or bitter I’m really not I just feel that there is more categories and less aggressive ones

I’m just curious after reading your reply why you were engaged for 9 years yet never made the trip down the isle? That’s a long time to stay engaged without pulling the trigger. I’m just curious if that was your choice, her choice, or a joint decision you made together?

Please know my questions are not meant to be rude, hurt, or drudge up anything negative. I’m genuinely curious. I’m definitely sorry that anyone would treat anyone that way, I can only imagine that I’d still be feeling that sting a year later.

I’ve got my own tales, as everyone does. But something about your message that wouldn’t let me get past it without being the nosy woman I am (you dated those ones? Not the paranoid nosy though. That’s a whole new category.) and asking about a 9 year engagement. I very much hope it doesn’t come across rude of me. I apologize if it does.

WOW!!!
So at 45 he just wants a best friend…..

Dear Accidentally Alone,
Your comment… wow! You.are.a.badass! I hate that you feel alone, scared and worried.
I just wanted to somehow relay what an amazing woman you are- hold your head up high, Sista. I applaud you!
Your BFF from a different life LOL,
Groovy

Thank you for this article. Thank too for leaving the comment section open. I learned quite a bit just from reading those entries.
I am definitely the “18 y/o” and the “scaredy cat”. Though in truth, I would say the 20-something year old, I haven’t dated in 20 years so my dating skills have not developed. And scared due to broken trust long ago and some abuse issues.
My baggage seems too much and I don’t have a solution. I have a diagnosed mental illness that I manage well I think. I certainly know how to keep my problems to myself. And I’m a quiet, simple person. Not a highly accomplished, sparkly, extroverted woman.
Over a year with a profile on one of the major dating sites, and no dates. None from my real-life interactions either. I enjoy meeting people in chat rooms to visit but those “relationships” will never go anywhere beyond cyber space.
I’ve cried bitter tears about being single at this stage of life (I’m just over 50), but I am slowly coming to the end of that grief cycle. I will need to learn how to actually enjoy being alone, not just endure it. And I need to spend as much of my time and energy as possible in earning more money. There’s not a lot of love in that endeavor right now, but I am working on how to find some enthusiasm for it.
Thanks for all you do Bobbi.

You completely missed the whole point of his comment. He DID ask women out. Many of them. Did you read his comment?

I married a girl I went to prom with.

I wanted children she didn’t. When I turned 29 she left me for some guy she just met. They have two children now.

I tried online dating and found it to be a really bad experience. Felt like I was begging women I wasn’t interested in for attention, most of my messages ignored. After a couple weeks I gave up as it was making me depressed and ruining my self esteem.

I figured if a women was interested she would ask me. In almost twenty years None have.

So I’ve lived my life lonely and frustrated

Im tall and athletic, I’m not bad looking but I rarely meet women outside work(off limits) and they never ask me out. I’ve spent countless waisted hours going to clubs(no fun for me).

I have no experience dating and as I approach fifty my dreams of a family have died.

I’m tired of being alone all the time, I feel like I missed out on life.

I read your article while randomly looking for articles to help me put away bitterness of being forced alone again.
Unfortunately, I have run across each and every one of these types but didn’t know it until reading your article.
I was broadsided out of nowhere with a dump text on my 47th birthday weekend by my fiance of 9 years and am still haunted by the pain of this almost a year later. We have not communicated since.
Travis

Jennifer, I think you just proved her point there, Bitter Gal. Perhaps constructive criticism would be more helpful than personal attacks on someone.

About the Sexpot type….I just wish to add EXTRA emphasis that not all men are going to go for sex on the first date, and it can be for profound reasons. My 46 year old boyfriend (I am 42) said after the 3rd date, very courageously, that he doesn’t get sexual with anyone outside of a committed relationship without a large degree of trust, communication, and emotional connection. He also said that the key to having a great sexual relationship with a partner was communication, and that communication takes time to develop. He admitted to me that some women dumped him for saying this early on in some of his dating experiences after 40, but he stayed on course. Truthfully, he’s never had casual sex in his life. He only likes relationship sex. Not that he has any issues with consenting adults who connect casually. As soon as he said this to me, I realized I had a guy on my hands with a tremendous amount of emotional maturity. We are physical now, and I have never felt more spiritually, emotionally and physically connected to a guy in my life. It turns out that he was sexually taken advantage of by a babysitter when he was around 12, and that while he didn’t equate it to being raped, he felt there needed to be trust and emotional safety with the female figure in his life in order to be sexual. And another thing…..and I wish Bobbi that you would hammer this home with 40+ year old women who are dating (or even younger): just because a 40+ year old man has never been married or has not had a very serious long term relationship in his life (on the brink of marriage) does not mean that he is a boy, a player, a mama’s boy, emotionally immature, etc. I met my guy online, where I am well aware that one of the biggest red flags in polls is avoiding men who have never been married after 40. My partner wasn’t ever married for one reason and one reason only: he never wanted children. EVER. Women have to understand that the overwhelming majority of us have kids thru biology or adoption by the time we hit 40. My partner cut off any dating situation (keep in mind, online dating hasn’t been around forever) where the woman made it clear that she wanted offspring. He simply felt it was unfair to wreck her dreams of starting a family by lying to her that he wanted a family just so he could have a girlfriend and a sex partner. He had seen other males do this and found the behavior awful. These guys were lying – emotionally investing their female partners in a dream that would never come true. Well my man didn’t do this. And he just ran into bad luck. He never found a woman who didn’t want kids. Others only wanted to date men who had kids already. And then there were times where he just didn’t feel like dating. I really encourage women to not be judgmental towards men who are 40+ and who haven’t been married yet. Let them tell their side of the story. Don’t judge them. Because if I had done so, I would be missing out on a wonderful relationship. I’m not saying just ignore it, but don’t dump a guy you see online just for this reason. Lots of men (and women) don’t want kids. My partner always said that he never envisioned being married until his 40’s because he just knew most women wanted babies. So he focused on other things. He didn’t sit on the couch all day drinking beer and watching football games. He did volunteer work and such, and he has a number of unique interests. These women who dumped him really screwed up. It’s my gain, fortunately….Jeanette S.

Concur with these categorizations – interesting, thoughtful, illuminating – yet also highly amusing.

Why does this resource exist at all?

Thought women needed men like a fish needs a bicycle – no? Not so??

Simply tickles me to no end – lol

Thank you for this article. It was insightful.

I am a 39 year old single mother. I, like I’m sure many of people, am living a life I did not plan for. I thought I was doing it all right in my youth. I went to college, I met my husband at church, we waited to have sex until marriage. I supported him in his career endeavors, moving around the country to follow where his career took us. I worked when I had to, and when I could stay home with our son I was very grateful. I loved being a mother and I loved being a wife. I do not feel jaded, as this is EXACTLY what I wanted to be doing, and it brought me so much joy!

We eventually decided to start a business together. I needed up working on the business from home while he worked at the office. It was a dream. Until he had an affair and fell in love with one of our employees. I wanted to save the marriage. He didn’t. They are now married and it’s been 7 years.

I had hoped the divorce could be done outside of court amicability but it didn’t end up that way. He ended up hiring a lawyer and would not agree to just settle outside of court. In the end, he left me destitute. I didn’t even get a piece of the company. It was such a whirlwind and so painful that I think I probably didn’t fight like I should have. I just wanted to get through it so I could rebuild my life and provide for our son. And that’s what I’ve done.

For the last 7 years I’ve had my head down trying to get financially stable. I literally went from being on food stamps, mediCal, and having a childcare subsidy to being the second in command over a multimillion dollar medical facility. Though I did not fight in court, I rerouted that energy and fought for my life instead. I went to back to school. I worked hard. I now pay child support to my former husband because I make more than both him and his wife combined (they both still work at the company we had started).

I wish I could say I’m happy, but I’m very unfulfilled. I grew up with very traditional beliefs of gender roles (woman stays home and raises kids and takes care of the house, man provides), and so I feel like I did what I was “supposed” to do as a wife, and I ended up being forced into the provider “masculine” role. I know that is a very outdated model now, but I can’t help but feel like the men around me are still looking for that sweet, naive, young girl I used to be, not the almost-40 high-powered executive that I am now. I would much rather be my old self again, and have my family back together. I know people will say “you just married the wrong man,” but honestly my experience of marriage is that it’s like what Forest Gump said about a box of chocolates- you never know what you’re going to get. People change. Circumstances change. My former husband and I were very much in love once. I’m sure we both made mistakes along the way to contribute to the breakdown of our marriage, but life happens and nobody is perfect. Sometimes things happen so fast and we can get distracted with children and the pursuit of careers and then you can wake up one day and everything is different and it’s too late.

I say all this because I think sometimes we want a “formula” for how to get and keep relationships going, and what I’m learning is that you really have to just do your best, enjoy and be present for the good times, learn from the mistakes, and keep a pulse on who you are becoming in the process. I have done what I though I had to do to be a “good woman” at every stage of the game, but I don’t know that I’ve been the best “me” for my own sake. And now that I’m coming up for air after all the hustle, I’m finding myself very lost. And it’s hard to date when you are lost as to who you are. I am scared to be hurt again, scared to be taken advantage of, scared that I’m somehow defective as a woman, scared that I don’t know how to please a man, scared that I will somehow fail as a mom if I pause to put some attention on my own needs for a minute to try dating again, scared to repeat mistakes, and scared scared scared of everything. It was so easy when I was younger. How is it that I feel like a scared little kid more than ever and I’m older and more experienced than I’ve ever been?

Anyway, I’m not even sure that this ramble makes sense. I’m not sure what the purpose is other than to shed some light on some real life facts that may contribute to the formation of some of these character traits to mention in your article. It’s hard to be a woman who is reaching 40. The fact that I googled “will a man want me in my forties” is such a sad thing to me. I feel alone, sad, accomplished, resilient, lost, confused, and of course SCARED as hell.

Ghosting is a huge difficulty with online dating and modern communication in general. I hear it from men and women.
It is very discouraging to want to continue meeting people online if you experience a couple of ghosts.
When I am no longer interested, I tell the person openly and honestly where I am at with my dating life, so that I don’t waste their time.
If more people would do that it would be a better dating culture. Giving each person closure after each connection is kind and fosters them being open to the next connection.
If you are someone who ghosts, can you kindly just say you can’t/don’t want to date right now, and let the person off the hook gently instead?

I’m divorce at 49, have 3 grown-up kids and longing to find a healthy relationship, rewarding for both of us. In 6 years since I’ve been divorced, I’ve dated a couple of times and for a very short time. The men I’ve met were nice guys, but timing seems to be off: either it was too early for me (still lingering the wounds from a 20 years marriage), or too early for them. It discouraged me and stopped looking for a partner.
As for the type of feminist, not sure either one would describe me (found elements in 2-3 though);
I find online dating exhausting, time consuming and very frustrating. I focus my time now with joining hobby groups. I love outdoors, hiking, Travelling, beach walking. I’m sure there are men out there longing for the same thing as I do, is just that none has landed on my path.

How about a woman who’s been all those things and come out the other side a better person? A person who’s truly happy where they are? A person who has realized that happiness lies in a million deferent places in this world and not just in a man\woman relationship? A person who is content on their own and will let life take its’ course? It seems when you express that you’re considered bitter or just haven’t found the “right one”? Even my friends don”t seem to get that. Anyone else feel that way?

Now you know how most men feel. Congratulations on your learning experience.

The reason you are getting this wrong is the same reason everybody else gets relationships wrong. You think the problem is about him when its about you. Whatever you feel about yourself you will attract into your life and you will seemingly feel like its a fit for you even though you might not like it.

I’m 52 and in a relationship for 10 years. We don’t live together. Both divorced and have kids but none together. After the first 7 years I learn he has a friend with benefits in another country. He sees this girl twice a year and she is a groupie. I’ve tried to break it up countless times telling him he should go explore that relationship, be happy, move on, no hard feelings. But he wouldn’t stop calling and pursuing me and I’ve had a difficult time resisting him. After all that’s said and done I see that he wants his cake and eat it too, likes attention from the other girl who is younger than me but won’t move on with her. My self confidence has taken a beating the only thing that has kept me together is that he won’t end it with me he’s always nice no matter how mean I am. What I realize is that I ve lost a lot of respect for him but I still have strong feelings I don’t know what to do with. Coming from divorced parents and having an absent father all my life I can’t help but think my inability to walk away is somehow connected to my childhood. How can you still love someone who admits you’re not enough? Or are his actions due to his insecurities and distrust of women and his own weaknesses?

I see a little bit of myself in each of the categories, because after all, I am a woman. I am older (but still attractive and young at heart). I am not usually interested in men my age, because they can be negative and set in their ways. This is the biggest turnoff.

We women want a man who is truly interested in us as a person first. We want to be treated with respect and kindness. Those are the main things, and then if we have something in common, we can maybe begin a relationship. It does take time! One important thing for me, and I believe most women, is to have regular contact with the guy. If a man wants to get a woman interested, he needs to call just about every day, not out of duty, but if he is interested, this is the best way to start a relationship.
Much younger men are many times interested in me, but it isn’t usually practical in the long run. I like men a few years younger, mainly because they have more vitality.

I am almost mid 50’s and most my life been a day late and dollar short for women. It sounds incredible, but it is true. I should have been playing the lottery with them odds.
Have never had anyone set me up on a date and the few friends I had, their wife or gf never ever have any single friends.
I live in eastern Washington and its a desert for dating. 8-(
Spent lots of time on POF, OK Cupid, Match to name a few. I have sent out hundreds and hundreds of messages and never a reply. I see where they look at my profile and nothing else. The few that ever wrote to me I did not find attractive in the least, but I would reply that I am not interested instead of just tossing their message in the trash like how it is done to me. I joined many single groups on MEET and one was 45+, went to their events about 6 times and every time there is 4 women who are easily 60+ and 8 men of matching age and they are not all that friendly so I stopped going.
When people hear I never been married or have kids they look at me as if I’m a danger and casually drop conversation and stop talking to me. Couples do things with couples, its a fact and just how it is. I never wanted to be alone, but here I am. Always look around but never see much, either to young or to married or dating.
I’m not ugly at all, I consider myself average since beauty is in the eye of the beholder. End of this year will be the start of my 8th year without a single date. One of my friends goes “Well men die before women so in the next 5-10 years you can get yourself a widow.” What a depressing thought.
I’m a Christian and would like to find a Christian women who is like minded, but all the churches I been to have events for kids, teens, young adults, dating, married couples and golden oldies. So from about age 35 to 65 there is nothing at all for singles. I do understand the complexity of the church doing anything for singles. I go to bars now and then for a drink, but will not date a women from there. Few minutes of conversation I can tell exactly it will not work and I am not into sleeping around, I’m old fashion.
Its like the dating life style is gone away. I even talk to other guys about how their dating is going and oddly enough they can’t find anyone either. To me there is a pattern forming from talk with men of different age groups.
So, I got no clue any more, tired of doing everything by myself, but its not like I got a choice. I think when I retire I will move to another country where I can find a women who wants a good man and not a bad boy.

Actual Mike is likely the exact type of man that most women complain about. Tall, better than average income, strong social circle, ability to travel, former bad boy, and attracts most women.
He’s dating plenty. Mostly above average women. He’s looking for no relationship. Just hotter, less crazy girls.
You’re already attracted to the idea of him. Which is why he’s so successful with women. But he said it himself, he doesn’t need a relationship.

I have been all of these types. I am all of these types. From 20-40, it all depends on where the man met me that I hit on that range. And I love how women are typified by not taking the “relationship” guy who was probably the 18 year old version seen above, about two feet too short, and separated from his wife for two years but not exactly divorced yet because they can’t decide who leaves the house. But…he’s single on the profile and loves parasailing like he saw Obama do when he left office! Or…he’s the nice guy that tried, but really, he’s the shy that makes no sudden moves to be cool, so she freaks out. And he’s so cool and so nice, because he didn’t say anything or make any sudden moves. And then there’s the men that only speak through sex. A woman is immasculating if she asks for what she wants, because he doesn’t want to do it or can’t. And there’s the guy whose only language is sex. You have no other mind, no other purpose.

I have been single for a very long time, because I want a best friend. I don’t know the games or the plays or the how’s and whys. I don’t want what other people want for me. I want what is right for me, and I don’t know what that looks like. It has to be shown. It has to be felt.
Otherwise, I’m completely ok being alone.

I am a 48 year old window.
This was brilliantly stated.
Well said.

I think there is nothing wrong with the types. Nothing wrong with knowing how you expect to be treated, wanting to know you can trust someone or being with someone who finds you attractive. It is when they are so extreme that they become self esteem issues, narcissistic personality disorder, paranoia, etc. that’s when it becomes a problem in their dating life and what those who date encounter and flee from.

Am a single mother am 28yrs ofage i have a grown up son of 11am i. A relationship with. 49yr old man he started talking since December and he has promised to marry me bt he is apprently on a wheel chair now trying to recover he is on therapy bt i love him and we still communicate his not had a child and he is not been married before bt he i always feeling depressed cus of d situation and this is making plans slow is d marriage still garanteed or could this bt this be t disturbing our marriage he lives in london he promised to marry me pls advice please.cus he is loving and kind.and he caresfir my son

Juana,

As a guy, I will say you sound like a very kind and loving person. For you to be willing to reverse your tubes being tied to give this guy a child shows how giving and committed your are. I hate say this but he likely found someone else and the reason could be or could not be your ability to give him kids. That’s NOT your fault and don’t blame yourself. I wish you the best.

This is why the sexes are bitter with each other. Both sexes have individuals in it that are selfish and don’t know the real reasons to love. Unfortunately, the saying “opposites attract” is true. Good hearted people attract and, sad to say, are too often attracted to bad people and the bad people just feast on them.

I’m in the same situation as Alotofguys, also 47 no kids, male. I want to say that it’s not a ‘human right’ to start a family. Not everybody are supposed to do it, it’s enough that ‘some’ do it. One can look okay, a good guy, good job and so on, but there is also the ‘luck’ factor, which maybe is as important as well. To be on the right place at the right time. One should first of all look at the positive side’s life, to be happy about if one got a good health, a job one like, some good friends. As a man of 40+, one always got the option to seek one’s luck in another country and one will likely have far more women ‘to choose from’ in their 30’ths than locally, if thinking about starting a family. There are lot’s of stigma among many out there concerning finding someone abroad, but don’t care what others think.

I agree John. How much a man reads and what his reading materials are is way more important than a sheepskin. Autodidacts are cool.

I’m one myself. Got my BA, but continue to read.

From a single 40+ year old guy there is not much out there. If your just looking in America that is. Most women at this age and older “don’t need a guy anymore”. After 50, they claim men are looking for either a “Nurse or a Purse”. Having traveled outside the US to many other countries I can tell you there are decent women out there even at this age and they still have class. In America and other countries following the American footsteps ie Australia and a lot of European countries., By this age women have either been screwed over so many times that they are not dating material or they are so hardened up it’s pointless. They have been divorced and have a ton of problems and the next guy they land they will always suspect he is doing the same thing the scumbag she left is doing. American women love the “bad boy” types, so they are treated like crap. After they finally leave the scum bag, they move onto another scumbag bad boy and the same repeats itself. Sad part by this age is the real men who have grown up and have their lives together don’t attract the women because they have done just that, grew up and the women see them as either boring or worth the time. Next thing is sadly, American women love to copy one another and that is having a bunch of tattoos and dressing like trash. I mean come on, us men are expected to not be pigs and have good hygiene right? So why can’t women back off on the ink? Maybe have a different wardrobe other then cargo or capri pants. For me, this is one of the biggest reasons why I don’t even look at white women anymore but prefer the Asians over any race. I am white and I am sickened by the amount of low class types in my own race. Even though a lot of men are afraid to say it, I will, I see this as “cheap” and “look at me, I am making a statement”. None of us are perfect by any means but if your just going to “ruin” yourself, then its fair game to be called out. If you were born with a missing limb, deaf, cleft palate, MS, blind or some other birth defect its completely different and I personally overlook this because this is not the persons fault. At the same time, putting a cow ring through your nose is and tells everyone you are starving for attention and you probably need mental help.

In today’s world of the #MeToos, feminism and risks, dating is not worth it in America anymore. All it takes now is for some woman to make a false claim you did something to her and everything you ever worked for is GONE. Once a woman knows you have your own business, no debts and have your life in order, she knows she can have it all by just making a false claim you did “something” to her. The biggest lie most of the men are told is that women are always after a guy who has his life in order. So far from the truth. Much like going outside with wet hair and being told you will get sick because of it.

I like most men out there who have our shit together are not looking for perfection because it doesn’t exist, but damnit give us some sort of compromise. Women expect us men to bring a bunch to the table in a relationship, maybe we expect the same in return.

What is dating like for a guy over 40? Not good. And that is better answered by a guy and not a woman. No offense BP.

Oh, friend… I hear you so loud and clear. A life partner
/ husband and children have always been at the top of my priority list… And here I am, 44 and single, no kids. It’s so hard! But don’t give up hope! We are out here. We are struggling, too, just like you are. Somehow, we just have to figure out how to connect. Online dating seems to be the answer for some, but for many of us, it just doesn’t work. Keep searching, dear one. You’ll find her.

I am 41 single, never been married, no kids, no pets, no debts. I am not responsible for my parents as they are very well off and traveling the world. My last bf was from 9yrs ago who is from the Netherlands. Sure, I dated but never really found someone I was super interested in. I live all over the world for a decade now (US for spring and fall, S.American/Asia for winter, Europe for summer) So, you can imagine my dating experience isn’t lacking. It was very interesting, thanks to all these dating apps, it made it easier to meet someone all the time. Since I became 40, I rarely date. I am comfortable being alone. I accept that if one day I never find my partner that I am okay. I also don’t yearn of having kids or getting married (wedding) I want the companionship and if marriage is important to him, I wouldn’t mind doing it for the love of my life. For me, my happiness is more important than anything. I would like to meet someone who is happy with themselves, kind to others, reliable, consistent, interesting, who appreciates traveling the world. Having common hobbies would help a lot and someone who I don’t have to support monetarily. I am far from perfect and I am sure there’s a lot of quirks about me too but wouldn’t mind finding a partner someday! I still believe that there’s that someone out there that fits just right for a person.

Currently, I am exploring this new dating chapter of being 41 and so far I am liking it. I know it isn’t easy to find a man in their 40’s who’s never been divorced, have kids or have many pets. However, I am keeping positive at the moment!

I’m in my 30’s and in love with a man in his late 40’s. I pick him up for lunch and we used to go to the movies and dinner but he stopped wanting to go out with me. He still enjoys having lunch with me and calls me on the phone if I ask him to call me. Sometimes he responds to my text messages and sometimes he doesn’t. He has a biological child and step children with his ex. She asks him for money for all the kids even though she twice as much as he does and he is always spending his time and money with her family and then complains about it. He still does things with the children and when I told him how I felt a year ago he told me his child comes first and that he didn’t have time for me and all about his ex’s. All I had said was that I wanted us to get to know each other better. I did try to stop talking to him but it seems that when I start walking away he will start talking to me, to reel me back in. Why is he stringing me along if he doesn’t want anything with me.

He has a point and it is a thing, even with older women. The infamous “what do you do” followed by detachment and disinterest if it’s anything less than their predetermined, and often unrealistic, expectations is becoming more and more common. There should be a category in your article for that or at least a mention.

I love cat ladies. I am one myself, I even got a crazy hair one day and added a dog to the mix. Ha! If you love cats, and I think you do, volunteer at a local shelter. This is so wonderful because while you are loving all the homeless kitties, you might just meet someone awesome who also…adores cats. I do this, and I hang out at dog parks, pet stores, pet expos….you meet the coolest people!!!! Don’t give up, if you can get a cat to like you…you are a queen sweetie!!!

Hmm.. I’m over 6 feet tall and a woman’s height isn’t a real point of interest for me in a dating profile. I don’t recall too many other guys saying much about it either.

I actually know a man who is in a very similar situation and who is looking for someone just like you. They are out there, don’t get too discouraged!

Interesting

I don’t feel like I fit any of these types. The man I have been dating over 3 years I feel much respect, and yes, love for. He has a woman roommate who is still jealous of me and I think Jerry is correct that it would be uncomfortable if we were both in his home at the same time. He has zilch romantic interest in her, but seems afraid to kick her out, a sort of protective thing. They share a common interest in keeping the house clean and in order; I live in a small low-income apt, and am not very tidy. Jerry and I like to camp in his 30 yr old van, ad we have no trouble finding common interests. He’s been married 3x, and has no desire to ever do that again, and as I am on SSI, I can’t marry either unless a guy wants full financial responsibility for me. We are affectionate, tho not nearly as passionate as we once were. I am included in his will, as are his adult kids and Sunday too; he’s been quite deliberate making it, so if he dies first (he is 80; I am almost 74) I would get 20 % of the sale of his home, Sunday gets 10% plus a home they owe together in Medford; it’s not the easiest topic to discuss! We still enjoy singing in choir together, and each pursue our separate interests too. It’s a fairly stable relationship, though not as committed as I would like.

You shouldn’t give up, there are woman out there who still want the same things as you. I’m 40 I haven’t ever been married but always thought I’d get married and grow old with a man, have lots of kids, have someone to share everything with. It’s difficult to know where to go to find like minded people.

Hello, don’t give up. I am sure you will find someone.At 42 you are still young enough to have children.

I got divorced in 2000( no kids ), it took several years to dig out of debt after that so I didn’t date for a few years.

After that I moved to a very rural area and simply never met anyone. I tried online dating but it takes a lot of time and work to even get a reply.
I keep lowering my standards ( which were never all that high to begin with) until I felt like I was begging for dates from women I didn’t even want to date, so I stopped. In fact online dating was very depressing and I’m usually a very upbeat guy. I tried improving myself, I started working out etc and am in the best shape of my life. I went back to school, learned a language. Even taught myself to bake. I’m a tall attractive man with a good job, but it’s now 2019 and at 47 I’ve given up on having children or a family.

Considering that family and children were the top two things I wanted out of a relationship followed by sex and companionship, frankly there aren’t many 50 year old women I would want to have sex with and I’ve gotten used to living alone.

How do I give up on women?

Is it ok to give up? It seems single men are not very welcome In our society and are viewed with suspicion.

I feel like my time is past and there is really no reason to continue.

JMS. Us men are not categorizing you. Women have created these categories all on their own, this article just points it out. You are The Bitter Gal lol.

Gush, Clifford, you are awful. That’s alone will keep you single. Say that to any woman of any age and she will be gone before you finished your sentence. Most men ARE very superficial, but I do not want those men at all. I will soon start looking for a new life… a wise man to share love and life. To connect. If I never find one…well so be it. But unfortunately, even the majority of 80-year-olds are still boys. Sad…not looking forward to dating at all. I am freshly separated, but dread being hurt by brainless “Cliffords”. Hopefully, they will talk their mind out right away.

Wow this was an interesting read but the comments are so depressing as they are mostly people getting divorced or getting out of a long term relationship. I’m 42, never been able to attract men! Even had to ask friends to take me to prom back in the day. Joined a bunch of clubs, started new hobbies, volunteer…all the things I think I should do to meet someone. Even tried every dating app in existence and hired a professional matchmaker that was unable to find any of her clients willing to date me. I’ve heard some people have a “single gene” ….and I’m starting to believe it. I’ve realized that I will be alone for the rest of my life and never experience how magical it must be to come home to a hug or sleep next to someone. This caused severe depression (yes now getting treatment) but my therapist has no clue why im broken and can’t attract anyone. She was just shocked I hung on for so long before succumbing to depression. So to all of you complaining about dating because you just got divorced…know I would love to be in your shoes! To have someone want me enough to want to date me long term or live with me? I can’t imagine what that is like. You are all very lucky to have experienced it!!!!!

I am so the “scaredy cat” How do I change that before I push away a good guy?

Nicely put!

I’m a 53 yr old active man that needs to make sure a gym is part of my life because I don’t want to be out of shape at 65 or older. My problem is finding a woman over 40 that is physically fit and has been for a while. Someone who will continue to keep fit.
Plastic surgery used in the right way is fine. Big boobs but never spending time in the gym is very unattractive. I realize the skin gets a bit crapey as we get older but eating right 90% of the time along with weight training can keep the skin youthful much longer. But being fit is a great way to spend retirement years. I need someone to spend the rest of my healthy, fit life with. Not easy to find which is why many men my age do try to get involved with woman in their mid 30s.

@Fam
I realize you posted this comment in the Spring but if you haven’t already met that special someone, I’d like to shoot my shot! You sound very mature and reasonable and I like your perspective. Let me know if you are still single!

I am 44, my boyfriend is 46. All was good until 2 weeks ago. We were together for 20 months and they were AWESOME! We were very happy, or I thought we were. At the end of November, after my daughter’s birthday the very next day he stopped calling me. We didn’t have any fights, we didn’t have any misunderstanding. All the sudden he retrieved and two days after even stopped texting. Right before this, we used to text every morning, call in the mid of the day, text in the afternoon and call each other at night. All that attention stopped without explanation. I went to visit him the following Sunday because I was scare that something might had happen to him, and found him crying and very sad. He didn’t say anything to me that day. But he continued not calling or texting for the next following week. I went back to his house the following Sunday just to make sure he was fine and he told me he wanted kids. i offered him to go to the doctor to check if it was possible for us to have kids together but he said he wanted to try with someone else not with me. He said he loves me very much but he wanted like to start his life over and that didn’t include me. IT was very hurtful, but I respected his decision. We both cried like little kids and I left. I haven’t heard from him since that day, but I feel like he is not OK and I don’t know what to do. I have looked into tubal reversal and the possibilities we have having kids together but I don’t know if at this point I should share the information with him. I don’t even know if he has somebody else in his life and that is maybe the reason he took the decision he took. After been married before him for 15 years, been by myself for nearly 8 years and now finding a man that full-fills me and all the sudden this unexpected decision. It really hurts! 🙁

I just turned 46 last month. I was divorced in 2001. I met someone and became engaged in 2006, but he passed away later that year from a heart attack. He was 41 years old and appeared very fit and healthy…anyway, after healing from the grief, a bit over a year later, I decided to put myself out into the dating fray. I have had once and done dates and a few dating relationships that lasted a couple of months, but nothing long term or serious. I have found it hard to find men my age who want to date women my age. Most seem to be looking for the young hot model type. I am not a thin woman, but I a not plus sized either…not sure where I fit in that space. Anyway, I have tried most all dating sites, singles groups and meet ups. All friends and co-workers are married and do not know anyone in my age range to set me up with. Men that do show any interest at all are either much older, different race that I am not interested in dating, or un educated menial laborers that are renting a room from a friend or living with their parents (yes, at the age of 40’s thru 50’s). Imat a loss of what to do. I even tried speed dating, but didn’t get even one date as a result of it…what else is there? I feel that I have tried it all. Please don’t give me cliché responses like pray and God will bring you a man, but only in His time, not yours…it will happen when you least expect it…your person isn’t ready for you yet, or vise versa…etc etc

Christopher, I have run into the same issue. I had my children later, and now, at 46, my kids are 10 and 14. The men I’ve met just don’t seem to be on the same playing field… They’ve either already raised their children and are ready to “globe-trot” or they don’t have kids (and don’t really want to deal with someone else’s kids either). I’ve been on my own with my kids since Fall 2016 and am ready to get back into dating, but am struggling to find compatible men. Ugh.

Oh man! I am a single mom of two with a divorce that’s being drug out be the ex. He left two years ago and I refuse to take him back after all that’s said and done.. I recently tried to date, met this nice man, but my playful was too much. I know what I want out of a man but for some reason keep attracting the wrong kind of guy. So I ish leave myself out there yet put alot of focus on my kids and work. I don’t have time for guys to say they like me, want to get to know me, that I am not like other women, yet start ignoring me the very next day. Where do I go wrong? Still figuring life out. I have been married since I was 17 and I guess haven’t experienced life as much as others.

When I read this article I thought it would be outdated like most “dating over 40” articles I find. I’ll be 46 and spent most of my life, after divorcing in 2002, trying to make a career for myself at the age of 30. Tried the dating site thing & found only those wanting some booty so I gave up. In 2007 I started casually dating one person for nearly 10 years. Needless to say, we aren’t dating any longer. I’ve been a single mother for 10yrs, worked 2 jobs 9 of those years, and after losing my father, my mother & I moved in together (mom never had been on her own & didn’t like being alone). This has worked out well since she helps w/my child but now, at nearly 46, I’m really ready for a GOOD man my son can look up to and a steady relationship. All I’ve ever asked is that he bring to thr table what I do; an income, emotional availability, and a realistic expectation of a mature relationship. But, I’m a package deal w/a 10yr old AND my mother. Do I even stand a chance?

I can completely relate. Been there.

Hi! I’m 48, been divorced for over 10 years. I was too busy raising kids to date. I was married young and I had the idea that I could change the man of his habits. Not true! I have learned since but I don’t like being alone but I do. . That’s my conflict. Kids are grown, now what? I am probably stuck in the high school dating years. I’m looking to like myself and find myself as we speak.

“The Red Flag Girl”
This is the woman who shuns you for never being married, never having any kids, and being single for 10+ years because those combination of things throw up all sorts of red flags. I was in a relationship for 9 years and finally gave up forgiving all the times she cheated on me. I’m that nice guy who loves clingy women what can I say, I love the attention. It’s really hard to find anyone that fits my “type” because I’m honestly scared that I’m going to get the “Red-Flag card” pulled on me and I’ll be out. Also my teeth are horrible, if I was in England I could probably find a date because teeth doesn’t seem to be a mainstream issue there. Just so you know ladies, teeth can be fixed, but jaded men take awhile to heal. Anyway, I’ll stop ranting about being single since 2007. I’ll be 42 this December and pretty much missed out on the whole having a family thing. Thanks for the article, just thought I’d add my 2 cents.

I get asked out quite often …usually by men 10+ years younger than me. (Thanks but no thanks.)
I have started dating a man of a different race who has a big belly and is very kind. Plus he’s a great kisser! We look like the odd couple and don’t have much in common. We’ve only seen each other 4 times in 3 weeks but damn that man is doing something to me. (No sex, just kissing.)
He is definitely not my “usual type” and it’s working for me. He may not be Mr. Right but he sure is Mr. Right Now.
***Happiness is fleeting; learn to recognize it when it shows up.
That first kiss may be a little peck but it opens the door of possibilities. The second kiss has more intensity and you can’t hide that smile on your face.
Third or fourth date, yeah, you want each other but don’t rush it, savor this new beginning.
Texting makes it easier to talk about the adult side of sex like getting tested before you go any further. Setting ground rules like nothing below the waist the first time.
The anticipation. Feeling giddy like a teenager all over again.

Hi, I’m 48. Disabled law officer, but still working. No debt, kids are grown and life is good. I stay in shape physically and am very active. I live in a some what remote area, so meeting a lady I’m attracted to is tough. I believe in shivelry and taking care of each other.
I’ve Been divorced about 2 years. I worked all the time to keep women off my mind. Went on 1 date in 2017. Just recently joined a dating app. Had 4 great dates with a wonderful lady. We were both in awe over the connection. We laughed with each other more than I ever had!
Then She said she had to take a step back. She said it wasn’t me and that i was a wonderful guy.
It was like some one threw a switch. I’ll wait and see. I really like her!
I didn’t realize how much I missed having some one in my life that cares. It felt really nice.
On a different topic, the dating site I found many ladies are looking for some one to make them happy. I believe you have to be happy with yourself first! Not rely on others or things to make us happy…
It took me awhile to realize this for myself. Now I am thankful every day! Count your blessings.
Thank you.

I’m overweight and know it’s a problem. I don’t expect anyone in shape to want me. Right now, however, my schedule doesn’t allow for regular exercise. I’m just trying to get through each day.

Someday, maybe I’ll lose 50 lbs and be a little more attractive, but then I’ll be older which cancels it out.

It’s okay. I own it. Food is the only love I get most days. I’m not unrealistic. I just accept I’m going to be alone.

Another category I think you forgot is Plain Janes. We work, we take care of, the house and the kids, we don’t have the time or money for pedicures, expensive hair color, gym memberships, fancy clothes or wrinkle creams. Showering and wearing a reasonably flattering top and jeans is “dressing up.” Wearing high heels is really painful and difficult because we don’t have shortened calf muscles like our Princess counterparts.

We just want a grown-up conversation and maybe a kiss stolen in the driveway before the dog wakes everyone up with his hysterical barking. Planning a date night is a like a logistical military operation, but worth it.

We don’t dare hope for true love. Right now we would be thrilled just to go out occasionally.

Could not agree more…this holds true for men too. Online dating just sucks.

You are definitely on to something. I’m reading this blog, like so many other dating discussions, and analysis of relationships is always reduced to “types” and furthermore, analyzing those types in isolation. I’m not sure feminism is the cause as much as one more symptom of pop culture to always analyze and evaluate the individual in isolation, as some monolith that grows and developes independant from other people and influences around them. A collection of sketches about a “type” in a static moment, completely out of context, just reinforces out biases and prejudgements of other people and force us feeper into our own isolationist tendencies.

What i have found is dating at 47 is hard because i had my kids late, everyone my age has raised there kids and are free to move around and dont want to raise kids again. 7, and 15 are my kids, I have tried to date younger but its like there not on the same playing field. So im 2all most 3 yrs single and no dating..learning to injoy my time on my own..

You missed the narcissistic, borderline, bipolar hybrid that does a great job building you up and making you feel like you finally met the right person. You are on top of the world because you can do no wrong in her eyes and you worship her because she is too good to be true. Everything is perfect – everything. You two are soulmates for life. Until she gets mad. And then she hits, kicks, throws things, says terrible things and it is clear you two split up for good and you leave. But then she comes back, and is confused why you left because of that little fight. Everyone has one. Its ok and we try again. And the fights get more aggressive. And more frequent. And more dangerous. And finally, after you have physical and emotional scars, you finally have the courage to leave and / or call the police for protection and she claims you are the abuser and because she is so very good at spinning the stories, the police and the courts believe the woman that is half your size because obviously the man has to be the abuser. It happens, more than you think.

I’m not divorced so I probably have no right leaving a post here, but I love this article and the amazing comments from everyone and could sure use some advice. I’ve been married 28 years and I separated from my husband in April. It has been crazy hard not just going back home, especially since I do love him, and we have four kids and grandkids who don’t understand what happened. We were young, 19, when we got married. We were both in the military and had a lot of goals in common–we had a blast together. Today, we are completely different people and it seems like we just keep growing farther apart. He’s a great man, he works hard, he’s very affectionate, and loves our family. Everyone asks me all the time why I left, but he just changed. He became obsessed with success and superficial things, he was never like that before. We always had similar desires for our future and now he can’t stop talking about big houses and sports cars. For a long time I figured it was just midlife crisis, now I know it’s more than that. I don’t know if he’s having an affair or not, all of our friends and family say he would never do that, and hes home every night. I just don’t understand the sudden change in him. I stay in shape, I cook and take care of him and our home, I work and I’m finishing up grad school, so I honestly I don’t know what else I could do–I feel like I’m not enough anymore. I’ve tried to talk to him about it but he acts like he hasn’t changed, he says he just enjoys the good things in life he never had growing up. I totally get that, but I don’t get him becoming so shallow about things and acting almost elitist, it’s such a 360 from the man I fell in love with. So…, being the stubborn Southern girl I am, I told him he needed to figure things out and I left, now he’s mad at me and locked me out of our house. Okay, that part was kinda funny because he only changed the lock on the front door. Anyway, I know there are a lot of great guys out there and I’m not the kind of girl to hold onto something that is no longer mine. I’d just love to hear from other guys as to why men do this? He’s so moody lately and I really just want to understand. Thanks for listening!

I’m sure you’d reject me a 45 year old virgin. Heck everyone rejects me quickly calling me a good guy but no chemistry.

And young girls with no life experience are easier to control.

Wow! My condolences Gerry.

I can’t believe there are not women available for a guy that is old and experienced enough in life, and that enjoys hiking!!! I am a 44 years old and loves hiking, but dating has not been successful so far either. Have fun!

“I’m 39 and divorced two years ago. My marriage was BORING …”

Yea, I wanna get married now!

-Sean 45 bachelor/MGTOW!

Gregory, YOU DESERVE BETTER. If a woman decides to try to cheat on you, let her know, that you will NOT accept or tolerate that type of mistreatment. When you meet someone, and they ask about that part of your history, tell them, it was a difficult situation to live through, BUT you have learned for future relationships, that you will not deal with that type of behaviour. Also, I know you are hurting, if it is too difficult to talk about with someone new, save that conversation for those women who are truly worthy of hearing it. Go on several dates, if you like and begin to trust the person, then reveal what happened to you. If she is a keeper, she will value and take to heart what you confide in her.

I agree with Bobbi Palmer! Start dating women in their 30’s and early 40’s. There are many women out there who want to have children, they just haven’t found the right guy to have them with. Also, consider, if you meet a great woman, who doesn’t want to have children. Are you willing to forgo a relationship because of it? Consider an alternative, like adoption. Many children need good homes and good parents (doesn’t matter if it is one parent or two) It seems as though you have a lot to offer, I hope you meet the right someone.

In response to Splenda Daddy’s comments. Omg! That was really funny…the one about opening the car door and the restaurant door…although I am sure it wasn’t funny when you experienced it. My apologies, but do not let that one bad situation change you or prevent you from being chivalrous on future dates. There are women who appreciate those kind manners and sincere efforts.

I find it interesting that all of the men and women here are all saying the same thing…we want something real, but can’t find it. Maybe the folks on here should date each other. I too have found it extremely difficult to find someone to spend time with after reaching 40. It was a shock to my system as I didn’t have a single problem in my 20s or 30s. Online dating didn’t work. I went on numerous dates, but there was either nothing in common or the men didn’t call after I wouldn’t sleep with them on the first date. I’m 44 and it seems men my age want to date women in their late 20s/early 30s. I have three children (almost grown). I can’t and have no interest in starting a new family, although I’m open to someone who already has children. The men who do approach me are either in their 20s (too young and can’t possibly go anywhere) or in their 60s (I don’t want to date someone the same age as my dad). There’s a saying that when you’re single in your 40s you get men “looking for a purse or a nurse.” I’m not sure where the men on here are hanging out. I don’t go to bars/clubs. They aren’t at my office, the grocery store, the train station, the library or my church. All I can say is that if you see a woman in her 40s, don’t discount her. We aren’t all full of baggage. Some of us have taken time to figure out who we are and what we want out of life. We’re well-adjusted, happy and down-to-earth women. Just say hi. Ask what we’re reading, listening too, laughing about. Give us a chance and you may actually find what you’re looking for too.

I Corinthians 13. “Now abide these three: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

46 year old divorced male here. Was happily married for 18 years now single father working and raising kids by myself. Between work and the kids there is little time to entertain dating, although I really miss having that special person to share all of the moments with. The time I do have to meet someone I wouldn’t know where to begin. I can’t bring myself to a dating site and the grocery store hasn’t been working!!!!

I am happy just miss having my best friend to enjoy life with.

Good luck all in your search.

Loved the article Bobbi!
Keep up the awesome work.

Great article
I’m a 49 year old male athletic build, educated with a lot of potential compassion and loyalty for the right women, but I don’t think our society promotes long term relationships, but promotes the individual.
Somewhere over the years we have forgotten relationship is a compromise, Love is a decision not and emotion and marriage is a lifestyle of service and sacrifice to your love ones
Some of the unwritten social norms of the feminist movement is the opposite of what I mentioned above. One person can’t promote themselves over their mate and expect the relationship to grow, both parties need sunshine.

A lot of the women that I meet are looking for opportunity (a man for sex or earning potential)
Rarely do I meet a women that has the heart of compromise and service and family
With individualism as a part of our society no one wants to be alone but no one want to commit to long term relationship and its challenges and disappointments,instead
we rather promote ourselves as a social media superstars and lets not forget we prefer to commit our mind and emotions to a relationship with our pet for the immediate self gratification than people.
The reason I have mentioned all of these things in response to the article is because there are a lot of good men worth having who are worth their weight in gold, but we are hidden in plain sight
Best regards

I love men to be gentlemen but I’ve not found one. I’ve been single for 10 years now and I’m 44 I’ve worked on myself joined clubs have friends been on dates but just can’t find a match. I can’t keep putting myself through the ringer of making such huge effort with no outcome I’ve also noticed that as I’ve aged I’ve become invisible anyway. I’m slim and fit got my own house job and money everyone says why are you single??? If I knew that I wouldn’t be. I’ve pretty much given up now I no longer see the point. I envy people who are in loving relationships I would just like a slice of that. Still I have my dog and kids are grown ups now so I guess ill just have to accept it’s one thing that just isn’t going to happen. Not bitter just a bit sad

First let me say great article, now I’m a divorced 44 year old man who was married for 24 years. During that 24 years, we had separated two previous times once at the Infamous 7 yr. Mark, again at 20yr mark and the final seperation end of last yr. After reading the description of some of these women I’ve come to realize over the 24 years that she had migrated from one end of the spectrum to the other and back again, a couple of times. Pretty spot-on. Just thought I’d mention that a lot of women can be more than just one.

Bobbi – you are so right. Some of us through our past experiences feel like we are taking advantage or are high-maintenance if we admit we could use a man’s help. It’s not a good feeling, but somehow it seems society (or admittedly, my past relationships) has set that tone. Don’t take advantage, but let a guy help a gal – that’s ALWAYS been the key.

Well John

I agree. I recently went on a first date with a man 64 never married no children and I am 48 widowed with one child. I asked him to a concert we had an amazing time (at least i thought so). I sent him a follow up text then replied to his text and now nothing. I am an outgoing smart lady yet, I can’t seem to find Mr. Right. I am not a princess (hate shopping and not really into fake hair, lashes nor nails); I don’t play dating games or follow some “Rules”; if I need help, I ask as I know my limitations. I believe that in a relationship we should be interdependence of one another. Keep bowling playing pool or monthly dinner with friends. This I’ll just enhance your relationship.