Dating a Widower: Can He Be Your Mr. Right?

I live in South Africa. My husband literally walked out and started his life over at age 49 after a 25 yr marriage. I have had to take responsibility for everything and I am very lonely and struggling to find one man here in Cape Town. I long for companionship, a laugh and a relaxed coffee but there are only married people here or gay and I am neither. What can I do? I have tried online dating for four years now and I am very open to meet anybody. I have way too much time on my hands – feeling unseen and irrelevant, yet I know I am worth it. Do you know anybody anywhere willing to connect with me? I am open to any change.

Can you answer sunny side up question as it is very relatable to mine. I think you skipped over it somehow. Thanks

I am a widow and I have found a man I am tremendously interested in who has been a widow for 3 years. I have been for 2 years. He was an acquaintance of my late husband. I have been with him once and talked and texted several times. We had such an amazing time together. He seemed so happy. Now he says hiso e died with her, he felt guilty, his life will continue to be bad and miserable. He doesn’t think he can give me what I need. He is literally working himself to death. I try to stay in touch to check on him. I am very worried about him. I suggested counseling for him. He said he does not to displease God because he wants to go to heaven to be with her. I’m really worried but he was so happy with me. What should I do? I think I’m in a better place than him but I don’t want to lose him. Help please. Katie

I am eager to meet an honest, respectable widower due to I’m a widow myself. If he can make me laugh again, I’ll gladly respond to it in an either way.

Hello,
I’ve been with a widower for 11yrs. He is 16 years older than me turning 75 soon. Never has he mentioned moving in together by looking for a place. It’s getting hard to schedule his visits at my house after I’m done with school for the day. Sometimes I want to workout or walk the dogs. He is loyal and does things for me around the house when I’m in school, but something is still missing. He said he and his late wife had a “look” before she passed that said I won’t remarry , move in with someone? I am ready to share a space for logistical reasons, but also bc I’m just ready after 11 years! Any advice? My sister says there are other men out there that would swoop me up in a heartbeat. He said he doesn’t want anyone taking care of him and that he would not have any control-we are doomed before we even begin!

I met a widower several months ago in an unrelated group setting. I was aware of their late wife’s passing, from group convo. For months we never spoke outside of the group, but we seemed to have a really cool report during virtual meet-ups. We ended up emailing recipes once, a few weeks in. We ended up exchanging numbers, in hopes of meeting when he came to visit my area for an event. We instantly connected and it felt so good to be liked after soooo many years of being, not only alone, but lonely. I fell very quickly, I must admit. It seems the same for him. Today, after he returned from a group trip to Mexico (which is also the last trip he and his late spouse took before her passing). His demeanor was distant….different towards me. I just knew the destination had triggered something within him. He told me that he feels he is still in love with his late spouse. I appreciate the honesty. It caught me off guard bc convo never really led me to feel that he was still in love with her. I mean, I knew love was still there, but not that he feels like he’s cheating on her. I have always given him space to talk about her and have even asked questions (not intrusive ones). I realize the sensitivity of that area of his life…..but now I feel so low and hate that I allowed myself to fall. I never saw any red flags, yet, maybe I didn’t want to bc I was enjoying the connection. It’s one of those twin flame connections. Everything feels intense. It feels like I knew him in a different life. Trust me, I know how cheesy that sounds LOL, but it’s genuine. I know he misses her and I think he bypassed processing some of the grief over the course of the past 2 yrs. LW’s death anniversary is coming up this month, so I know that mixed with the trip and stirred up some emotion. So, with all thst said….am I doing myself an injustice by trying to be his friend-only now, despite having crossed a line romantically? My heart is involved, but I want to respect where he is. In all vulnerability, I do not want to be without this person but I just don’t know if that’s stupidly unrealistic. Help please…how do I move through this as thy move through grief, in a healthy manner? I am scared that they may move on to someone else as they process and possibly become prepared to enter a relationship again.

Dear Anon,

Perhaps Bobbi is right: your jealousy and anger is simply a product of something other than the complexities of your relationship.

I too, am dating a widowed man. I blissfully fell in love with him, and as time continues my emotions grow in magnitude and in depth, exponentially.

In the beginning of our relationship he confided into me the intimate details of his marriage.

He once described to me a memory in which the look his wife would give him after a fight they had and how he would attack her(sexually). Or, how he adored her Elizabeth Taylor eyes, and the smaller details of how she’d keep her kitchen.

Those memories are fond moments only a man madly in love tells of.

His late wife and him shared a beautiful life together along with their four children. Traumatically, she was killed in a motor vehicle accident over 25 years ago.

He still remembers everything like it was yesterday. He has shared with me that he would’ve continued to have children with his late wife if she wore alive, and he doesn’t understand why she was taken from him.

Here I am, initially welcoming his openness. Little did I know that his vulnerabilities and my compassion will likely be the demise of our relationship.

Unlike you, I am not jealous, and I am not angry. My boyfriend is a good man who was once a loving father and committed husband to someone else. I can appreciate that as a friend, and as a peer, but not as a lover who feels contempt.

It is my belief that people truly fall in love once. The bond he declared to have with his late wife is a once in a lifetime phenomenon.

It deeply pains me to admit, despite what he tells me, that he does not share the same deep connection and meaningful bond with me. Simply because I believe it is impossible philosophically.
The intimacy, the passion, and the romance I share with this man is simply unliteral.

Believe me when I tell you that this has destroyed me, and I am utterly devastated by this enlightenment.

Primarily, I can not put compassion at the forefront of our relationship anymore. The type of love and yearning I have for him, that he had for his late wife will never reconcile.

Anon, you believe you should let him go for his own good. I too, am pondering the same. Suffice to say, for very different reasons we simply may not have what it takes.

We endure these men because we are wholeheartedly and wildly in love with them. I pray that we prevail in the interest of all so sensitively involved.

I am a widower at 40years old. Lost my wife after 20 years, and finding it difficult to date at all. The issue is I really want a relationship, and miss having love in my life. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I’m lost with the dating world and feel lonely and lost.

Been dating a widower for about 2 months now. First met him, and his now late wife 11 years ago. At the time it was his friend I was dating that introduced us. His wife was definitely not fond of me either. Well, time had passed… him, and I lost touch after I broke things off with his friend. In November I receive a message from him saying that he has been thinking about me a lot lately. In which I replied, I don’t know how his wife would feel about that. Then I learned that she had passed from cancer. I figured it had been a significant amount of time for him to process his grief, until after spending Christmas with his family I see a post later on about how it was his first Christmas without her, and how much he misses her, and lives her always. I kinda was taken back a bit…like…wow this is still fresh. Things started to slow between him, and myself after New years, and I come to find out that it was nearing the anniversary of his late wife’s passing. Pretty soon I am feeling as though I am being ghosted. I messaged him, and let him know that if he is not ready for a relationship that him, and I can remain friends, because I am looking for a deeper connection with someone these days, and can’t put myself out there for someone that cannot be romantically involved. He said it isn’t that he is grieving, but that he just has a lot of stuff going on, and that maybe we should slow down a bit, get to know each other more, and stay together. More ghosting from there, and then more Facebook posts. This one on the anniversary of her death. Pics of them signing their wedding certificate, and a post about how much he misses her, will always love her, and how he can’t wait to be with her again. Felt like a gut punch, and made me feel completely irrelevant. I care emojied the post anyhow because I figure I should be supportive. I messaged him the next day to say it’s been a bit since we’ve talked, and to see how he is doing. He just said he hasn’t been sleeping well, and that it has caused some major depression. I let him know that I am here to talk about whatever he wants if he wants to…fast forward a little bit…he is a bit more talkative now…not much, but I asked if he wanted to get together to hang out sometime and let him know I am off work Monday. He said he can hang out on Monday, but he will be with his late wife’s sister that day, but it “should be okay”. I respectfully declined, said we should plan for another time, and that I’d let them catch up. I don’t know…that just seems too soon to jump in and meet the late wife’s sister, especially since I am unsure of where him, and I stand at the moment. I’ve been respectfully giving him his space, but at the same time also think that I may be making myself a little too available for someone that isn’t as available for me, and my needs. Any advice?

What a helpful, understanding and positive comment, thank you so much. I am dating a 65 year old widower whose wife died suddenly four years ago, and I am pretty sure it’s for the reasons you describe that he still has photos of her through the house, and still wears his wedding ring. Her clothes are still in the closet too. I wouldn’t dream of hassling him about any of it; I am insecure for my own reasons, and to try to blame my insecurities on these things would be silly. He just doesn’t “see” his house environment the way I or another outsider would; pretty much everything is where it has been for many years.
I particularly like your analogy of loving a new as well as a passed pet, or a mother loving her many children. It is possible to love, and love, and love. Love is abundant.

100% AGREE! I’m not into 3somes of ANY kind!

I dated a 60 year old man who met his wife when she was 18, he was 40. They were madly in love, she gave him a son and died 11 years after they met (he refused to talk about it so I don’t know what she died from but I know it was an illness her mother was caring for her). That was over 10 years ago. We dated for 1.5 years, he never introduced me as his girlfriend – didn’t even introduce me to his 17 year old son. We had separate households and when I finally came to his home almost a year into the relationship, he had a picture of them on his dresser next to a giant, open family Bible. Her childhood photo albums were all over the room, and suggestive photos from her to him were in an open drawer where I saw them… He talked about her almost every day, saying my wife this or my wife that. I finally asked him to just call her by her name, which he did – until the day before he suddenly left me. No genuine reason given. Clearly, in his mind she never aged past 29 – I am 58. I don’t have the young body he was used to, or the energy or the 100% dependency she had on him (going from her father’s home to his home). I never dated a widower before so I didn’t know what “signs” to look for but now I see he just was not ready to move on. I honestly don’t think he ever will be. I was just for “fun”. She was his one and only wife. I adored this man and it devastated me when he ended it. I will NEVER date a widower ever again.

We were friends with a couple and did a lot of fun things together. They enjoyed traveling, dancing, and exercising to keep fit. She was a very hard worker and did all the indoor and outdoor chores when he had a health emergency the year before. A year later she started with a cough which was not Covid and within a week after having surgery.
Her husband was distraught about losing his wife. My husband kept calling trying to spend time with him but he kept saying he had plans. We then found out he started dating a woman who he dated in High School. He graduated a year before her and went into the military. She did not wait for him and married a couple months out of high school.
We thought we would give her a chance when he pushed for us to meet her. We discovered she was nothing like his wife and the interests he has she does not like to do. The first time we met her she was bossing him around. We want him to be happy but feel he rushed into a relationship because he missed his wife so much. His wife seldom had an alcoholic drink and when she did it was just one. He was not much of a drinker either. His girlfriend is a big drinker and does not take care of her health. He has tried. She has also pressured him to get rid of his wife’s clothes and other items. This bothered him and he confided to us that he just could not do it. We told him he did not have to and he shouldn’t until he is ready. That seemed to make him feel better. We are concerned that he is going to not give up on this relationship because he does not like to give up on things. Our wish is that he would have found someone that had the same interests as him. He has only dated 2 women in his life, his wife and this woman he dated for a year in High School. We are worried that he is doing it out of loneliness and she enjoys how he takes her to bars and pays for everything

Totally agree with Bobbi! It’s not a divorce they didn’t choose to not be together. My partner’s spouse is still on his social media. I think I would find it quite heartless and be concern he was in denial of his loss/that huge part of his life experience if he removed them all.

After we had been together for a while (1.5 years) and his family and his late wife’s family were aware he was in a new relationship we posted a photo of us on holiday and everyone who loved him and his late wife supported us with likes and lovely comments.

His wedding photos to his late wife are just a few posts below, along with the message from her family that she passed – this all will remain there as long as my partner and their families want the photos and posts there it is not my right or wish even to say otherwise!

The fact that you feel this entitlement really does show that dating a widowed person is not for you. The person that passed has a right to be honored and remembered not erased because you haven’t learned to manage your insecurities. Find someone with no significant dating history and leave widowed people alone to find someone who will honor their life experience with more compassion and humility.

I am 20 currently, and I fell in love with a widower who is 32. All of this happened within a span of 6 weeks and via long distance. He asked me to be girlfriend two weeks ago and I have been indecisive. His late wife’s death anniversary would be in 10 days time and he told me he plans on posting her picture on his social media feed that day. We all know that is a big no no. Do you feel it’s alright if I set a boundary about it despite not being in an exclusive relationship yet?

Well we dated for 5 years. Then I moved in with him. He home was still all intack as it was when she died. Kids rooms with stuff. They moved out left it all. Pictures on the walls if her and him. Picture in the bedroom if her. I made a few changes In these five years. Have talked about how this house doesn’t feel like mine. We need more we did a few changes I have not been happy living here for a couple years. Then my daughter move up here this may. We talked bout her moving here. He never communicates. Which Im the communicator, he is my silent partner. Down ever spell his feelings. I have even asked about our future and just cloth ears. So I found her and I am apartment to share moved out in July. I. Glad but I misd him dearly!!
He still hasn’t changed much it even discussed it.
I feel happy having my own space my thing gave been in his house in boxes for 5 years. It was the fore to me move to my own
I want to still have a relationship. Maybe this will motivate him to clear out his house. I often said want to have a house we can call ours. He also has a lake house that he owns that is not finished building. He and his late wife built. He doesn’t have a kitchen
Thanks for the tip here I get very depressed at times
Missing him.we do have a lot in common and and fun together. Miss him dearly

I’m currently in love with a widower. He’s older than I, he’s 57 n I’m 32 years. He have 2 kids from his late wife. I love him so much n I love his kids. I’m thank God every day for him. I even wish if he the one that breaks my virginity. He’s so humble n greatful. He even complained that I treat him like glass.

Yes I did we been together off and on for twenty seven years however yes we had our ups and downs I fell in love with him at a very young age until one day i found out that he sent a message to this girl she works with us at the same company on her birthday it said miss you already love you prior to that he had hurt me once before but I forgave him for what he had done this time he told me get the f**k out of my house and he helped me packed my stuff took me home
Every night i try not to think about what happened but I am very emotional and cry myself to sleep I know it’s not going to be easy to let go because this was my first love of my life

I have been in a very happy relationship for over three years to a wonderful man, who lost his wife tragically six years ago. He makes me feel like the most important woman in the room when we are alone together. However, I personally struggle with the seemingly constant reminder of his late wife. We cannot get together with friends or family without a reminder about what a wonderful woman she was. He is also guilty of taking us on trips down memory lane – almost daily. At the beginning of our relationship, we both talked deeply about our collective losses – his wife’s passing, and my divorce. He shared in great detail his love story. He even shared his diary that he and his wife kept at the beginning of their relationship, letters, and private photos. I know intimately things about their life together that most couples would not find it appropriate to share. At the time, to be honest, I wanted to know it all. It felt like the right thing to do in order to really know and understand him, and where he was coming from. Fast forward to now – where we are an established couple (mostly publicly – there is still a gray area when it comes to social media). We are still living in separate houses, although we spend most of our free time together. Our children are all encouraged to spend time together as well, and we have had a lot of good times with all of our boys hanging out. We talk – casually – about when we will move in together, but the discussions are typically cut short, as I feel he is not ready (and maybe I am not either). My reservations lie in the fact that his late wife is still very much a part of his home. Her pictures, collections, and footprint are still ever-present. He continues to reference her in improvements he has done to their home (“she always wanted to do this”), even though he asked me my opinions during the renovations. It is almost as if his identity will always be tied to her, and I sometimes perceive myself as the consolation prize at the end of the day. My own hang-ups stem from having overcome a marriage that ended in divorce. I ended my marriage – which was filled with infidelity, verbal and mental abuse, and a controlling narcissist of a man. Our marriages both ended after 20 years – his tragically and mine after a nasty separation and divorce. Only recently have my insecurities been brought to light – mainly because I have trouble communicating difficult topics – and I never want to bring up something that may upset my partner, or his family (especially his son). But I can feel resentment brewing and have finally begun to find the courage to address these feelings. Reading these comments, and seeking out blogs, books, and connecting with other women who are in love with a widower are helpful. I know that my partner is willing to work with me and we are both very hopeful for a bright future. Because no matter what insecurities we may both have, we do love each other very much and can see ourselves growing old(er) together. It’s just finding that sweet spot that will allow things to happen naturally without the appearance of manipulation and games. It’s a fine line and I never in my life would have thought dating a widower would be peppered with so many difficult days. Sharing these thoughts is therapeutic.

I appreciate this article soooo much. I am almost a year into a relationship with a widower who had been married 35 years with children and grandchildren. She died tragically. It has been very complicated, to say the least. At the same time, it has been the best relationship I have been in. You are right, he definitely knows how to be in a good relationship and how to treat a woman very well. He is a good man. But…his daughter was extremely close to her and does not want to meet me. I think he tries to push her, and I tell him that he needs to give her time. I am okay with it, truly, but I also wonder if and when we do meet, if she will like me and if she doesn’t (I won’t take it personally), will that be a detriment to our relationship. I am so enjoying what we have and trying not to analyze anything. This article helped me a great deal. Thank you!

Don’t do it. This mam will use you as rebound girlfriend, love bomb you for few months and then throw you to the ground once you are attached and show you want commitment. He will be ashamed of you and this relationship. Do not be exclusive with him. Until he showed you to the world with pride date other man.

You are so fortunate! I’m hoping my relationship will last with my love who is a widower as well. We knew each other in high school and I k ew his wife in college. I married one of his best friends and they were both in my wedding. I met up with him two years ago when I found that his wife passed away. A few months later we started dating. We sat in love. He has an adult daughter who is 41, never married, moved home when her mother was ill with cancer and has not left almost three years later. She is not happy with our relationship. Her dad is always trying to tiptoe around her feelings and says he loves me, but since we live 288 miles apart and date long distance, this is difficult. But I’m very much in love and hope and pray this works

HI there!
I am so glad this is here! I am dating a widower. His young wife of 14 yrs passed away from cancer 2 1/2- 3 years ago leaving 3 young children behind. We’ve known each other since we were kids. We’ve started dating not long ago. Everything seems to be good. He’s a wonderful man and says he loves me. Today is her birthday and I just offered support in anyway I can. The thing that was hard is he changed photos of there family on Facebook. I know it’s a process and a unique situation. I am here honoring his grief and my hurt feelings. My heart hurts I’m glad I have a space to share my feelings safely.

Thank you Bobbi for this article. I can really relate to Lynn’s comments. When you lose a spouse to a divorce or death, you experience grief. I lost my husband to divorce and waited a long time to date. The first serious relationship I had for about a year was to a man who was recently divorced and it was similar to many of the stories here. He regularly talked about his “wife” and I often felt like a mistress. I came to learn that he was not emotional available and ready to be in a relationship. I felt a loss when our relationship ended and waited for months to decide to seek another relationship. I have met a man who was recently widowed. His behaviors are similar. So I’ve come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter if you lose your spouse to death or divorce. If you’re not emotionally available to date, you shouldn’t! Grieve your loss, get good counsel, and heal your heart. I realized that in the last relationship, I was settling for less than I deserve. While I too will always have memories of the 30 years I spent with my ex-husband and I will talk about him and the memories I’ve built with him and our three children, they are just that-memories. They are in the past. I don’t expect a man to accept me talking about my ex-husband in present tense as if I’m still married to him. And I would expect the same of a man whether he’s lost his wife to death or divorce.

Sorry his first wife passed at the age of 45

Thank you for posting your experience. I recently dated a widower who lost his wife tragically 6 years ago and still referred to her as his wife. But I didn’t question it. We only dated for about 2 months. He felt guilty being with another girl and admitted he is still in love with her. He also has a young son and was not ready to introduce him to me. I was sorry that it had to end because we had so much in common. I’m learning to accept that it just wasn’t meant to be and forgive him for the pain and lost I feel.

I love this platform it’s really helping me in my relationship

Hey I’m engaged to a widower. Been together 4 years. You have to decide if you want an emotional threesome or not. Right now he has his cake and is eating it too. By giving those gifts you are sending the message that it is okay for him to hold onto two relationships at once. He can stay emotionally married to her while you keep his bed warm.

Would you do all of these things for a divorcé? Marriage is until death so us part. I played no role in how my W’s relationship ended. So why should I make exceptions?

What you permit you promote.

I recently started dating a widower. His marriage ended 6 years ago with his wife’s sudden and tragic death. The first week we were dating he kept referring to her as his “wife”. I politely told him one night that if he is still a married man and has a wife that we shouldn’t be dating because I do not date married men. I went on to explain it further that I have a divorce certificate and that he has a death certificate, in which they are the same… neither of our partners are still married to us. He kindly said he understood and he was glad I said what I said. I wanted to clear the air from the start, because I had dated a widower before and it is not fair to us divorcees to walk around on eggshells. Our pain matters too. It’s important not to loose yourself and your needs, just because they lost someone that mattered to them. We have experienced loss as well, and it has been excruciating. It should be 50/50 and not one-sided. Respecting the differences is good, but don’t put their pain and grief above yours. That’s a recipe for resentment. We all have had loss, and it all has brought us to where we are today. Their (W) pain does not matter more than ours. I believe it is important to start it off that way, so that’s why I said what I said. Now he knows my standards. It’s not mean and cold to say what you need, because you matter too. I had to learn that the hard way with dating my first widower. We all matter, and the various pain and struggles we’ve been through has made us who we are. I pray we celebrate the good times, remember the sad.. while always moving forward with an open heart.

I’m dating a widower who’s wife passed away 6y ago and was sick for years before ..
We are together for a year now..
He won’t even move to kiss with passion nor be with me ..
I’m very attractive and considère myself very smart and self dependent..
He has health issues . And warned e about his sex performance..
And the meds we tried it didn’t happen..
I’m still with him but I’m not happy..
Thinking eve day to end..

I’m dating a widower. He was married to his late wife for 15 years and she passed away from cancer April of 2020. We met October of 2020 and our relationship moved faster than either of us could have imagined. He originally told me that he was attracted to me because I had an infectious smile like his late wife. Which is sweet at first but when I later thought about it I hoped that wasn’t the sole reason he was with me. He later cleared up that yes there’s similarities but that he understands I am my own person and he just enjoys that he so happened to find a woman who enjoys things as his late wife. We started dating the first week in October and his birthday was on the 13th and I had no idea what to get him. But through conversations he’s mentioned how he has a small urn and he takes his late wife’s ashes with him when he travels but it’s awkward because he puts it in his pocket and people wonder what’s this big “bulge” in his pants. So I decided to get him an engraved capsule necklace with his late wife’s name and the date that she passed so he can carry around her ashes comfortably. I also put together his favorite pictures of him and her and made a 2021 calendar. I know people might say that those are borderline weird gifts because I’m his girlfriend but I feel connected to him and in so I feel connected to his emotions with his late wife. I’m also grateful that someone taught him how to love and love hard for 15 years. Overall it’s a great relationship but some things I still question. I’ve met his family, sons, daughter, sister, aunt and cousins. We travel together to small towns in surrounding states because we love antique stores. But yet when he takes pictures and post them online he always tags his late wife in them, but those are our memories….I asked him about it of course and he says why he doesn’t post me or mentions me online is because he doesn’t want his late wife’s side of the family to think he’s insensitive. Which I 100% to understand but it’s not the not mentioning me part it’s the tagging her into our memories that rubs me in a weird way. Also I’d like to mention he’s a nice amount older than me so when we’re in public at these antique stores he always brings up his late wife and of course I’m sure out of habit he always says “wife” so if he doesn’t mention her passing they look at me like I’m a hussy or if he does mention her passing they ask if I’m related to his late wife. It’s always a weird and awkward situation because again these are our memories and the situation 9 times out of 10 does call for him to mention her but he does…. I try to be understanding because it’s going to always be a sensitive subject but it makes me feel like I have to almost sacrifice some of myself for him because of reasons that are still unknown due to the relationship being on going. If you’ve kept up so far, thank you for reading.

Am dating a widower….is asking me for sex…..and we just started dating and I love him….but don’t want to have sex till am married,and he truely love..and I know he do..this sex matter is scary me because have not done it before,but I told him no sex and he accepted….but now is asking me.dont know what to do

Hi,
I am not a widow but I have been dating one for about 5 months. He is 28 y/o and I’m 23 y/o. He lost his girlfriend of 5 years relationship from cancer early 2020. When we started I didn’t know. I quickly found out and talked to him about it. He is pretty open with any question I have. Although, he will not talk about her at all and what happen to her, which I kind of understand. The thing that worries my relationship, is that he has a 8×10 picture of them, a card of her face she gave him with a last letter written on it and a candle with her face. Those things are in his house. Then he has a box full of cards she wrote and her t-shirt in his closet, kind of hidden. Does it mean he’s not moved on?

I know he loves me and I love him. I try to understand his grief. I try to make sure he doesn’t feel guilty and shame about it. We had a couple fights about those things. It didn’t really got anywhere. He is super close with her family. He still goes for supper on occasion and all. Which I find ok.

I just feel that sometimes I am jealous because I feel like we are 3 in the relationship, it might be selfish a little. I’m seeking counselling for all of it and for myself. I’m a counsellor too so I’d like to think I know how to go about it. I say to myself often that she’s never coming back, there’s no reason for you to be jealous. It’s ok that he still thinks about her and feels for her, she was his first long-term relationship.

Is my relationship going to be ok? Is there too much red flags?
I read stuff and find myself seeing too much red flags and then I read other stuff that says to give him space when needed and that it’s a way for him to cope with the lost, nobody is the same. How do I go about it?

I distrust widowers and the widowed community for making others believe that widowers are worth more that they really are, not men in general. Actually, after dating an ex widower and meeting women who dated them , I am confidently saying that divorced men in general are easy piece of cake in comparison. As long as divorce proceedings are over these men are ready to built their new life with their women that is new and not build it on their pervious marriage. Most widowers want their new women to live the life they had with their late wives, in her home, her décor, her clothes, perfumes, photographs , constant conversations about her beauty and awesomeness, the list is never ending and the widowers ideas to keep their wives memory alive is sometimes simply shocking. Not so long ago woman who was married to a widower posted a photo on Facebook group. Her widowed husband put late wife’s wedding dress, her shoes and glasses on a mannequin, placed these things in the hall and their weeding photo above it to keep her memory alive. It looked like a ghost. It would be the funniest thing ever to read the comments about it if the whole thing wasn’t so pathetic. He argued with his new wife that this was the right thing to do and she should stop being jealous of dead so she posted it on Facebook…. and hopefully divorced an idiot. There are tones of this kind of stories by women who date or are married to widowers so please make your research before you encouraging pathetic behaviours. I have impression that many widowed have the competition of being the widow/widower of the year. The more you are emotionally abusive towards your new partner the higher you are getting to win the price.

I am sorry but many women hide their true feelings about the photos pretending they are ok with it because they love these men and they are aware that these men would rather leave them then put the photos of late wives in kids room or in the photo albums. How often we put up with someone’s BS because we love this person. This is exactly what is happening here. I read many comments of women who were pretending they were ok but they couldn’t stand it anymore. These women are on antidepressants or in counselling to survive the life with a widower and his beautiful, undying love for another woman, which he is more than happy to throw at her face every single day. These widowers should start worrying about the negative effect of unexpressed feelings could have on these women’s health as it’s pretty well-known that prolonged stress causes cancers and other diseases. 75% marriages with widowers end up in divorce, which is much higher than an average second marriage. Not surprise at all! Even though these women say nothing at the beginning the resentment grows but why widower would care ? If his marriage fails he would have tones of widows patting his shoulder telling him that somewhere there, there is this magical creature called ‘doormat with second wife mindset’ who would love him and his late wife expecting nothing in return.

If you are a single mum you should be double careful with dating a widower. Unfortunately many widowers/widows have this unnoying superiority complex thinking that they are above those who were divorced or single so he might look down at you every time you rise a concern. Any abusive widower would feel he is better than you because he made it till the end and you chose to divorce. They do not look at how awful their marrieges were and how loving yours was , they only look at how it ended. His by death ( requires respect) yours by divorce.Remember that your children are as important as his and they went through their own traumas that should be recognised. Do not let any widower or his family treat your kids and yourself unkindly. If your relationship with him starts negatively affecting your kids (you will be more unhappy than happy) leave him, do not do it to your children . They have only you! You give them example how to be treated by a man!

I’m in long distance relationship with a widower. I have known both of them as friends of friends for a long time. They would have had their 25th wedding anniversary last year. He’s very open about her and I don’t feel threatened.
My question is that he’s about to have a big birthday and I wonder if (and how) I should include his late wife in the celebrations somehow.

Mr. Augie, when you meet a new special lady, and I hope you do, then please do not refer to your deceased spouse as your “wife” as if that is still the active status. It makes it sound like you are still married and gives an impression that you might be emotionally unavailable. You are not legally married anymore, you are widowed. Either use her name, or “so-and-so‘s mother” if you had children together, or your “late wife.” I say this as I am newly dating a man who has been widowed for just over five years (after only a few years of marriage) and yet continuously refers to his late wife as his “wife” instead of referring to her by name. If a widower is going to keeps referencing a wife as if it’s current, then it’s a little insensitive and may make any woman he’s with feel like a mistress because she’s apparently dating a married man!

I love this is very informative, and it is help me out in my relationship in so many ways. Thank you

Do you hear yourself? Men must obsequious to a woman’s wants and needs but no need for a woman to do the same for a man. You can not have your cake and eat it too. Just because you have your own personal opinions and, sounds like, bad experiences doesn’t mean that is the same for everyone. As a widower if I was dating a divorcee who took offense to a picture of my late wife and me bringing her up from time to time but yet expected me to accept her pictures of the family with her ex around the house and her talking about him that is a huge deal breaker. We all have pasts and either our exes or late spouses were a huge part of our lives.
The only real difference is when you divorced there was a reason for those of us who lost we didn’t get to say good bye, there was no reason for leaving we were still in a good place. It sounds to me like you are the one with the problem.

I can empathize with Augie. I lost my wife of 52 years 3 years ago to cancer. I love her deeply and it’s taken me these past 3 years to come to grip with her death. We built a large family together and are very close to this day. However, there are some areas in my life that they simply cannot fill. I now find myself thinking about someone else to be with. I miss the companionship of a lady my age who has lived life well. I’m 76 and I’m scared as all get out as to path that is before me. Thank you for your incite and your helpful care.

I have been dating the most amazing man for almost 4 years now, between him and me everything is respectful and cordial, loving and understanding… we have good communication and patience with each other…
My issue is that some people in his life are still hanging on to the memory of his late wife and how amazing she was… I am getting a bit tired of this, although it is recurring… I told him about it, but he says I am exaggerating the situation…
We are now engaged to be married in a year, but the situation has not improved… should I continue this relationship? And continue feeling like the second plate?

Samantha,
I was in a similar situation. My widower (now my husband) is older and had been married for almost 40 years, but that marriage taught him how to love, how to care, and what he wants. So when we started dating 11 months after his wife passed, it got serious fast and I don’t regret it. We were engaged 5 months later but waited a couple years to actually get married for a variety of reasons. We lived together in the house they shared and have made it our own. I count his long, mostly happy marriage, as a blessing to me because he loves me so beautifully.
Keep your head on straight. Keep talking. Keep creating your own love with him. I hope he is your happily-ever-after.

I am a single mom and have been single for 7+ years by choice. Never did I realize that I will fall in love with a widower while I am locking myself with my work-home routine. I met him (through our community’s group chat) while staying home during the pandemic. We live in the same subdivision and me and his deceased wife we’re together in a committee years ago; but I never met him before. We communicate through chat and talk about anything and everything under the sun, including how he grieves for his wife and how it’s hard for him to cope with her wife’s absence (they have a business primarily ran by his wife). Aside from him being good-looking, I admire his strength and positive outlook in life; not to mention his wit. He keeps me updated on what he does, asks for my advice on their business, and we laugh together often with our jokes. There were instances that I think he likes me (I think he would not continue communicating with me if he doesn’t). Then I realize, I was falling in love with him. I heard hearsays that he’s dating (a married woman) and I got hurt. But we still talk every once in a while. I don’t know if I shall continue talking to him. I was and have been trying to help him cope with his grief but I am not that brave to “comfort” him by giving his needs like the woman he’s dating. I’m torn between letting him go or still hoping that our “friendship” will blossom into a deeper relationship.

Im a widower that married last year. My new wife is devorsed with a daughter and a deased daughter. She has not allowed me the closeness with her family that I wish for like i had with my daughters and deased wife. Am I wrong to want this?

My friend passed in August. Her husband asked if I would feel funny coming over to hang out, so I did. After a couple of weeks we were intimate. Before that he would text, but now he won’t respond. How do I deal with losing her and losing what I thought was a friend. I know it was not the best idea but I was lonely and been dealing with losing my dad and my friend

Peter, thanks for the reply. Trust me, I have thought about that–him (I have to say “possibly/likely”) having this ‘side piece’ of booty while his wife was sick for so long. I admit that on one level I want to understand that, okay, he needed his needs met because also, by all accounts, he was every dutiful to the wife as caregiver for over 10 years. Really, he did anything a husband could do. But if he had Ms Booty-side, is he going to keep her around now that the wife is dead? I hope not even for his sake and his soul. I appreciate your man’s view, Peter. Thank you.

Widower for 6 months after 29 years of inter-racial marriage with grown children, after a three year battle with cancer. The mistress element is a big red warning light. He decided that his needs were more important than hers in her affliction. That means his needs will ALWAYS come first, and his self-love may preclude real devotion for others. But also, it probably means he is willing to lie and conceal his actions and motives for extended periods of time. As a hook-up this may be fun. As a relationship? The fact that he is a widower is the least of your problems.

Hi Bobbi,
I have been dating a widower for nine months, and there have been a variety of issues which I thought were unique to us, so I really appreciated reading about so many of your other followers who had similar issues with their widowers and their children. Cindi, the late wife of the man I am dating, and I were in a non-profit board together for seven years. I didn’t know she was ill until the last year, although she was struggling with ovarian cancer for over 23 years. She introduced me to her husband once during that time at a fundraiser I was hosting for another organization. He never remembered meeting me.

Eleven months after she passed, we were introduced by the director of the non-profit Cindi and I worked on together. He did not appeal to me at first, but we have an incredible amount in common, however a few things that we do not have in common were recently thrown at me as reasons that he is concerned about our future possibilities. I am 14 years younger than he is (although he is much more active than I am and has longevity in his family, which I do not have), l am a large woman size XL, although I lost 40 lbs a year and a half ago), I work hard, but do not make a lot of money. I own my own small condo and car outright, no debt, but he is wealthy. I have never been married, and do not have children, and his children hate the idea of him being serious about another woman. I am perplexed as to how these issues have become a problem after nine months, when they were not an issue before. He offered to pay for an expensive medical test that I put off taking because I was waiting for a commission check to pay for it, and of course I refused because I do not need his money, I live within my means. Other than dinners and dates, he has never paid for anything for me. In fact during COVID-19 I have been going grocery shopping and often buy groceries for him and will not take any money from him.

I just don’t know how to approach these concerns of his without sounding defensive. He is a very special man, and I feel really good when I am with him, but I cannot change myself for him. If I choose to lose weight it will be for me, just like the weight I lost prior to meeting him was for me. I have never wanted to be with anyone as much as I have wanted to be with him. Being with him feels natural, I don’t have to pretend to be something I am not. What would you suggest I do so that I don’t get frustrated and break things off.

Sorry for going on and on. . .

Renee

I met this wonderful man 6 weeks ago he’s a widower.i think his wife has been dead for 8 years he never spoke about it .We got on great liked the same interests. He said I made him happy and I said he made me happy .Then he finished with me said he set in his own routine . Going to visit his 90yrs old mother. Training and golf. I said he had my phone number if he changes his mind.

Hello there. Firstly I’d like to say a huge thank you for this article ! It was very helpful 🙂 I’ve been dating someone who lost their partner 4 years ago due to illness. They were together 3 years and were engaged. I understand that she will always hold a big piece of his heart and he will always love her. We had our ups and downs but we managed. But there is this one thing I kind of can’t get past. We’ve been together for over two years and he still wants to take his late girlfriends ashes to Iceland as that’s where they both wanted to go before she passed. I told him how I felt about it and we fell out over it few times and I’m just lost and I don’t know what to do. I really don’t know whether this is something I should just “deal with” and pretend yes I’m fine with it or does it mean he can’t move forward from his past ? Thank you in advance for your response.

I have had a crush on someone i worked with 50 years ago. I guess today you would call him eye candy. He was happily married and i knew, like and respected his wife. She passed 12 years ago. Out of curiosity i found him on the internet and it looked like he has remarried a couple of years ago.
End of story. No, not quite. We both were at an event in February 2020. I was sitting and he walked in alone and our eyes locked. After a few seconds, i “blinked” and looked away to the right. I then turned to see where he went, and he was still walking but looking back at me and eyes locked again. Again, i blinked and looked over to someone who knew I always had had a crush on him. He just smiled. I then got up and went to talk to other guests. Later it just so happened that we were sitting across from each other at the formal dinner. I could not get his attention to say hello, didn’t we work together. So i happened to look at my friend who gave me the thumbs up. When i turned back around and lifted my eyes up and our eyes locked again. I couldn’t speak and blinked again by turning to the right to talk to a friend. Since then there have been some subtle hints from mutual friends that something special happened to both of us that night. I feel like when our eyes locked it was almost like being in movie. Neither one of us spoke or even smiled. We just looked into each other’s eyes. I am not into having an affair. But i do want to know if he secretly had a crush on me all these years and neither of us knew it until that night. Should i at least find out where he is or wonder for the rest of my life what could have been and if i had missed the opportunity to be with my soul mate.

I’m in a very pretty crazy situation. My ex boyfriend whom I’ve always had feelings for and vice versa reconnected after 20 years .I’ve always known what he was going through and waited to reach out, but was in a bad marriage and was going to divorce soon. He lost his mom and wife within three days of each other over a year and a half ago.we rekindled the feelings we agreed to not want a relationship but in each other’s lives and do hook up. I don’t ask certain things, I feel like if he wants to tell me he will. After sparks flew 2 meetings later I’m going through divorce. He is very interested and willing to do anything and then, quiet, distant and sending mixed messages. I don’t know what to do. I do love him and it’s there on his end. But he has told me he’s broken but wants me in his life. I’m unsure of how to handle that because we know each other well and it hurts. We avoid deep conversation because we know there are feelings between us what should I do? I don’t want to hurt him,I just love him so much and unsure of how to handle this.

I am in a relationship with a widower. We dated for 2 months then started to spend more time together like living together. I still had my apt. Then he said we were moving too fast so in a mad furry I took my things including my pets home. Now we are back in touch we both admitted moving too fast. So we are seeing each other this week, we both admit that we still love each other but we were moving too fast. He says he is leaving the pictures of his wife on the book shelf because he wants to keep his memories of her.

I’m 72 and after 7 months and being locked up with Covid, I decided to join a dating site. Joined June 9 and met a widower, age 73, June 11. He found me, actually. It was an incredible meeting. We met in a parking lot, I was picking up my car at an auto body shop and he surprised me and showed up. We went for coffee and talked for 3 hours. He asked if he could hold my hand. I agreed and he told me later at that point he just knew I was the one. Our second meeting we talked 4 hours and kissed. It was like fireworks exploded. After 9 weeks we are committed to one another. I was not seeking love or a relationship only a companion to go to lunch or dinner with and enjoy deep conversations on any subject. After viewing what happened and so quickly we decided it was our destiny. Meeting, having so much in common, chemistry, likes and dislikes, etc. All he wants to do is make me happy. He takes me all over my state to visit beautiful places I’ve always wanted to see.
I have suffered a lot of grief in losing my brother also. To help me with stress he’s talking me to a cabin on the river for some R & R. He us constantly thinking about me and what is next on our trips. We are meeting one another’s family in the forthcoming weeks. I feel so blessed to have found love on our last leg of our lives together.

I’m in a two year relationship with a fire fighter/first responder. 7 years ago his girlfriend/fiancée of 9 months was killed in a bicycle accident. He responded to the scene. This is just the tip of what he’s been through. He has a joint headstone with her, a tattoo of her hand on his shoulder (she was deaf, it’s the I love you sign) and I know he’s been through a lot. I’ve been very patient and pretty much accepting that I must “share” part of him with her. Yesterday, we were out for dinner and he plays keno. He plays his birthday and her birthday along with other numbers that are significant to him. No numbers relating to me. I was heart broken and asked him about it knowing full well that number was her birthday. He confirmed. There’s more to it than this. I just don’t know what to do if anything. Any thoughts? There are a lot of other details with regard to her that have an impact on him.

Widower is not just a “relationship status” and people should never compare a widow or widower with someone who has gone through a divorce. Its completely different. Some reasons why men may not do this; fear that people they don’t know well (like acquaintances on Facebook) will think they are “over” their wife or fear that others will believe they started dating too soon. Or a belief that calling yourself anything different is very disrespectful to your wife. Some may simply not be able to make that physical change even if they want to. Its like cleaning out a closet full of your wife’s articles, you know it has to be done but you just can’t bring yourself to do it. I doubt many men do this to get attention. I do believe that at some point the widower should publicly embrace his new relationship, but that is a discussion to have with the new woman in his life.

I respect the comment before mine, but I disagree strongly. These are not “just photos” and this is a much different situation than a divorce. I am a widower and my mother is also dating a widower so I can see it from both sides. My mother definitely feels uncomfortable in her new boyfriend’s house because of the photos of his deceased wife. At the same time, I cannot eliminate my wife’s presence from my household. This has to be a compromise worked out between the widower and his new companion. The house should not look like a shrine to his wife, but he has to honor her memory as well. I have several pictures of my wife, but I try to keep it to a level that will not make my new girlfriend feel uncomfortable. Like everything else, if people are reasonable they can accommodate each other. If not, the relationship is doomed to fail anyway.

I was dating a guy for 3 mos. His gf of 1 yr ago died. He broke up with me after a argument accusing me of being dramatic. He claimed everything was fine in the beginning. He told me in month 2 that she(the deceased gf) sent me to replace herself. He had a bad marriage to a different women twice where she divorced him both times(20 yrs total both marriages).Him & gf did alot 2gether we only did what he wants & now he just wants to be friends. He always talk abt both the ex wife & deceased gf. When I started asking about me fitting in since he says he loves me? Then I am insecure & disrespected him. He came on strong claiming he was ok& not going anywhere.

Hi Chris,
Curious what your new boyfriend said that helped you with your loss? I’m in his shoes and dating someone who only lost his ex 5 months ago. His story sounds very much like yours. What do I say to him?

Bobbi, I lost my wife of 45 years last year. The last five years of her life were very difficult due to her declining health. We had a very strong marriage with lots of love and understanding and when she died a part of myself died as well. I can tell from reading the comments that I am in no way ready to start dating. I exhibit many of the sign that I am still grieving. Although, I know my grief is much less now, it’s still just under the surface and can be revealed with just a memory or a thought. The last thing my wife said to me before she died was for me to promise her that I would get remarried. It seemed like an odd statement to make at the time, but after much reflection I understand her motives and what was in her heart. She knew me better that anyone else in this world. We began dating at 15. Right now the idea of getting remarried seems so remote. But, with time I could see the possibility of dating again. I cherish the institution of marriage and yes falling in love again. But where on earth do I start? Dating at my age (65) seems so daunting to me. Thanks for your website and to those who share their stories, opinions and advice on a very painful subject.

Hi Bobbi.
The widower who broke up with me came back and asked me out after 2 weeks. I did go out with him again and he didnt mention her at all. I really do love this man; he is good to me in many ways. I am trying to get passed the thought that if he truly loved me, he would not have broken what we had. But, then I told myself that maybe I was the first person who ever shared those feelings with him (in a romantic relationship) and he might not have known how to take it and maybe needed that time to process what might have felt like a sucker-punch to him. I’m taking it a moment at a time. Thank you for your earlier response.

Women should stop getting themselves into serious relationships because of great potential of the man. Not so perfect divorced man who loves me dearly would be much better than a perfect widower (great potential) who will always love another woman and make me his just companionship until he is reunited with her in heaven.

These are just photos. He can put them in the photo album like people did in past. If thousands of women feel uncomfortable around those photos maybe it’s time to acknowledge this instead of accusing these women of being immature and not compassionate and therefore introducing insecurities into the new relationship. Why widowers are not so compassionate about family photos of divorced partners? There are children involved too and for their sake there should be family photos on the walls. Unfortunately most widowed would throw tantrums if women insisted on keeping their photos on the walls of their handsome, young looking ex husbands whom they once loved dearly holding their beautiful babies in their strong arms or maybe kissing and all happy wedding photos(for kids sake obviously)

Thanks for the advise

I’m dating a widower. He had separated from his wife months before she killed herself. When we first tried to date in 2018/19, we never even kissed and he seemed extremely nervous around me, almost scared of me. He blew me off a few times and I stopped seeing him and dated someone else last summer. I couldn’t get him out of my head, so I reached out to him and we started dating, again. It took 6 months before we really kissed and finally became intimate. I am head over heels in love with him and, even though his actions and what he says to me clearly indicated that he loves me, he can’t say those words. I feel very awkward saying “I love you” without any response from him. What hurts is I feel that he does love me (he’s “in love” with me) but he cannot say those words. I’ve been very patient and enjoy his stories about life with her, before her mental illness got worse. He tells me to just be me and it’s fine for me to express my love but he’s unable to, unsure that he’s “in love” with me. But everything else about what he does and says shows me that he is. This is very difficult for me.

The widower I was dating broke up with me when I told him I wondered if he was ready to love me ther. Way I needed and wanted to be loved. I told him I felt small and unimportant when he often talked about her. I was very nice and calm and shakey voices because I feared the worst and he broke up with me.

I met this great guy 20 years ago. We were crazy for each other. Issue: he was in a troubled marriage and had young kids. Fast forward to Jan 2019–he reached out to me and told me that he lost his mother and wife in the previous two year span. He told me that he thought about me every day for the last 20
years and once we started talking it was the same as when we first met. We were madly in love. Now he is suddenly feeling some guilt and things have slowed down. It’s especially hard from Dec – July with the holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. I just want to know what I can do to support him and help him to feel better.

How do I get a reliable widower to marry? I’m based in Lagos Nigeria. Five years running I want to remarry. I’m a young widow 51 wt three kids 28,26&19

All of these questions are questions you should be talking too and asking him and sharing with him your concerns. If you want a mature relationship then you also have to do your part to make it one

I am interested in this widower and he has kids how do I behave around his kids

My question is for Bobbi, WIDOWERS [please!!] and any who can relate:
A man, 64, just lost his wife 4 wks ago, after a 10 yr battle with cancer. He was VERY dutiful.
I’m an oncology nurse (not hers) and he and I have casually talked for a year (mutual friends). He finds me beautiful, smart, etc. We have mutual respect.

His wife a ‘BFF’, yes; but he says he has some other “BFF” (maybe for 4 years; I think ‘with benefits’, though he didn’t admit that part). QUESTIONS:

1) How likely is a Widower to eventually end up with/later marry the mistress he had during the wife’s prolonged illness? Or will he cut her off in his new life?

2) After a 10 year battle and much pull on his health, might he take a long time to get serious again, or maybe (after ‘x’ long–a year?) think…’I’m getting up in age, not many years left, let me find a new love?’ AND…

3) I’ve thought to soon offer him to stay at my home for 2-3 nights (with his 2 dogs), simply if he just wants a place out of his house for a few nights. There will NOT be sex. I am not going to be his launchpad, trial balloon, etc. But I have nice mountain views in TN, etc. It would be relaxing. I’ll cook. Let him cry, sleep, be silent, whatever. Is that too much…? Thank you to all who can comment.

I was in a relationship with a widower for almost 18 months. We met 8 weeks after his wife passed. He actively looked online and said he was ready. We broke up for a day last July then a longer split come August, reuniting in October. He preferred to say we were on a break but it didn’t feel like that to me.
We were very much in love and dated privately for four months before I met his daughter (13) . We got on well but when I started going to the house an atmosphere began then daughter threw tantrums whenever we went out, which she was never disciplined for.
I was extremely patient but found this all upsetting as I had no control over anything.
When we got back together I went back to the house, some of the photos had been taken down as he’d been decorating. The wedding photo remained by his bedside table though and this was hard to see!
At Christmas he gave his daughter a card signed from mum and dad. I turned up on Christmas night to see photos all over the hall. He said this was because family were round the previous day.
He asked me to move in and was certain he was ready so I did so in February. His daughter started mood swings again, the day after I moved in. We went away that weekend and she was a nightmare.
Everything was ok when we returned to work and school until we got into lockdown. I felt like she had an agenda to get rid of me. Started an argument with him on my birthday which ruined the evening, didn’t speak to me much, looked right through me, no thanks for anything, made me feel uncomfortable in the house. He allowed it because of “their circumstances “.
One day he hit rock bottom and I went with him to his wife’s memorial plaque. Literally picked him up from the floor.
Three weeks later he turned again, within the space of two hours. He says he can’t do this, we’re incompatible, daughter not happy, better with the two of them. He told me to leave that night so I had to move back into my parents house.
I’m devastated that this happened and he has shown remorse but doesn’t regret anything. All I did was love them both and it’s been thrown in my face.
He won’t seek counselling for him or his daughter and has pushed all family away. I gave up so much for him and his daughter but look where it’s got me.

Good Morning!
I’ve been with a widowed man for about a year and a half. We are going to take our relationship but there is one thing that hurts me a lot is seeing his photos with his late wife. When I go to the family home I always see these photos and it costs me a lot because he started another life and the family should understand and have good sense. What does Dr. tell me about this.
Thanks.

Leslie, I’ve been dating a widower for almost 2 years now. Even though we met only 6 months after his wife’s unexpected and sudden passing, he has only made that Freudian slip once, maybe twice total and never in the same sentence. And on top of that, he had spent over 40 years in a healthy and solid marriage. I’m no expert, but that does not sound okay.

Hello Jenny

I have recently met a wonderful man who lost his wife in November. They were married for 30 years and she was ill for three. Everything has been going so well until I have become insecure and comparing myself to her as he mentions her sometimes when I say something about myself – he will say @ oh K did that too, or K thought that too etc. He also has her picture next to his bed. He wants me to stay in their house in the same bed that they shared, the same bed that she died in and the same bed which has her photo next to it. So I have suddenly become uncomfortable in the relationship even though he tells me he loves me and wants to build a future with me. I am very insecure generally as I am divorced twice and both husbands had affairs. I always feel second best and now I am starting to feel like the consolation prize even though he floods me with affection, kindness and commitment. Your message has helped me try to get things into perspective but if you have any other advice I would be grateful. I am nervous that I will bolt because I cant bear the feeling of comparing myself to K and feeling that I will never be as good as she was. Thank you

I spent 4 months in my house alone after my husband of 25 years died unexpectedly. It was a choice I made to embrace the inevitable grief that I believe many try hiding from. I had the time to do this and I’m thankful for that. As a result, I feel that I’m more quickly able to move on and spend time with a new person. It’s tough to know anything for certain. I started dating five months after my husbands’ death. It was weird, but I kept telling myself that there are no rules. I very much wondered about “void filling” and so forth as I wasn’t wanting to hurt another person. I decided that the best route was to be as open and honest as I could be. I’m currently three months into a new relationship. I have very strong feelings for him and I do love him, though it’s a different kind of love as I’m aware love grows over time and that I can’t expect my feelings to be at the same depths that I felt for my deceased husband. I worry about my feelings changing, and so I tell him about it. I tell him when I have a bad day with grief, and I do my best to reinforce to him that it’s a separate part of my life that I must continue to deal with and it’s got nothing to do with him or how I’m feeling about him. He says all the right things to me which I truly appreciate. As they say, there are no rules about grief. I feel alright about pursuing this relationship and have seen no reason not to. Time will tell.

I’m crying Jenny and understand and am sorry for your loss. You said it so well. I lost my wife of course I will always remember July 22, 2019 at 3:15 am. Terrible death GBM brain cancer. After dating a bit I met what I believed was a soul partner and we fell in love. She was always supportive of my wife’s memory. Last week she told me she couldn’t live in her shadow anymore. I was blown away. Everything you stated meant to her that I wasn’t ready to commit to her. She wanted no pictures or any involvement by in any memorials or fundraisers. This is after dating 2 months. I will never forget the person I shared 25 years with and took care of her as she died a slow death. But like you I have much love to give and the love for my deceased wife only amplifies that. I hope someday I find someone that can love and appreciate that. Be well.

I cannot thank you enough for your comments. 2 months ago I began dating a man who lost his wife 4 1/2 years ago. These are uncharted waters for me. She was truly the love of his life! His love for her is one of his most attractive qualities. However, things are starting to get serious between us and I am now questioning wether or not I have what it takes to be in a deep relationship with someone who still loves a ghost and if he actually has room in his life for me. You helped me make sense of that. Thank you

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your article. I am a widow of 9 yrs dating a widower of 5 yrs. He and I were very good friends for 4 yrs before he approached me about dating. We have had some wonderful times, but lately I have felt a sense of some distancing. It seems he is feeling some guilt at times about dating. He had a 38 yr wonderful marriage and I understand this and I allow him the time he needs. He asked me to be patient with him. I have loved this man for 3 yrs of our 4 yr friendship. He is a wonderful, loving, attentive and caring man. He is a keeper! Thank you very much for your comments.

Thank you so much for your reply Bobbi and for your brilliant website!!
Mary

I have been in relationship with the widower for almost two years and I can tell that he still misses her but we still have a good relationship he has pictures of her on the wall still I don’t say anything and when it comes to the date like when she died I’m there for him and I say if you need a shoulder to cry on baby I’m here and I know how much you loved her and I just let you know that it can happen I mean sometimes you get the feeling that he ain’t going to love you as much as you did her but I just go everyday and just tell him I love him

Hello
I loved reading all your information on dating a widower. I have been dating a widower for 14 months now and love him very much. His wife died of cancer 3 yrs ago in June 2020 he adored her for 30 yrs they have 2 grown up kids. He is closer with her family than his own today . His house is a shrine to her. He has recently hit a wall of grief and feelings of guilt that he is betraying her. He has sought out counselling for a 2nd time on loosing a partner and trying to move on. He is a brilliant man and I love him but I’m scared he will never be able to move on. I am 50 years old.

I’ve been dating a man for about two years both him and I were recently going through relationship changes when we met. His wife passed after four years of marriage from illness and I was going through a divorce after 20 years. Since then we have gotten closer our relationship is good always but hardly talked about his late wife. We both don’t talk about our past relationships really. But throughout this time he talks about our future telling me he’s ready to move on and he’s the one making future plans. We almost act like we are part time husband and wife. We do not live together but he talks about buying a new home for both of us to blend our families and get married. That’s all great and I want to believe we are both ready. But when it comes to celebrate the date of her passing for the past two years he pours out his heart about her. And I just feel confused and a little disrespected. If you read these post it’s almost like he’s still in so much pain talking about will always be the worst day of his life. Is that something that o will have to get used to? I understand if he wants to honor her by posting something like Today I want to honor my late wife such a beautiful spirit you are not forgotten. Something to do with their kids. But with the texts along with pictures of them getting married and sporting events he post makes me feel like what am I doing here all this time. And with the comments pouring in like people feeling bad for him. I just don’t know if it’s me and I should be a little more understanding but if we do get married is that the way it’s going or should be? There’s pics on his social media of us but it’s more like me tagging him. He says he loves me and thanks me for being there for him but I feel that’s a bit slap in the face. Like why don’t HE post a picture of us and say he’s doing just fine and what a difference I’m making in his life. Idk. I read most of the comments but I still can’t relate. Am I being selfish wanting a love of my own?

My wife always said I had a face of stone but a heart of gold. 24 years into our marriage, the Drs. informed us of her stage 4 cancer with maybe 6 months. No warning, no clue. Her needs for the next three years was my only concern. I was fortunate to get almost 3.5 more years. My family, including hers, and friends are the best. However, the sad truth is that I am now 57 years old, financially zero’ed out, empty, hollow and rutter-less. Its been 4 months since her passing and I have started the slow process of going thru everything. I was asked out recently by woman and in a polite way I said maybe some other time. As empty as my life is now, the real reason I said no to this woman was a total desire not to feel that hurt again. I find your advice to women very sound and should be well heeded. In probably in a humorous way, I am a perfect example of who not to date…for now.

I want to know why men do this ok. It’s like they are letting their children run Divorced Daddy to run his life. I’m a widow and a LOVING, compasient Fun loving CARElNG,GIVING LADY. WHY DOES HE LET THE DAUGHTER AND GRANDCHILDREN RUN HIS HAPPINESS. OR IS THIS A EXCUSE TO LET ME GO. HE IS A DIVORCED MAN WITH WANDERING EYE’S.

As a widow of 46 years old, I am frustrated like another widower who wrote in and spoke up, about the misconceptions of us. I’m a strong woman who lost her husband very tragically and that will scar me for life, just like the soldier going to war and experiencing horrific things or a fireman or a police officer who has endured certain aspects of their job that most cannot fathom. It’s life. We all have our troubles… If not now… Most certainly later. Mine is now. In this instance as a widow, I want to share particularly about photos, clothing, mementos. Just because they exist in the house doesn’t mean that we look at them and stare at them and embrace them all the time. We simply don’t know what to do with them. Do you just throw someone’s belongings away? It feels like you are throwing them away btw. Everything I take down in my house is a conscious decision because I have to figure out where I am going to put it. Do you throw it away? A photo? A wedding dress? Trust me… I don’t sit there and stare at it all day. Honestly I don’t even see it most of the time. It’s like the wallpaper on the wall. You don’t notice it. But everybody else does. It’s not as symbolic as you think. When you do put stuff away, how does it affect other family members? That is always a thought in my mind especially for my children. Or for his mother. It’s a very difficult thing to do and there’s a lot behind it. I cleaned out my husband’s portion of the closet and simply put it all in another room and I shut the door because I don’t know what to do from there. As for loving again… I am full of love. I’m a lover. I love life. I love my kids. I love my community. I love my business. I love to love. I will always love my husband and I will not apologize for that. I don’t ever want to stop loving him and that by the way… Makes me an excellent catch because I know what it’s like to love and be in a happy marriage. I am not an angry, bitter woman who is jaded by men. I was a happy wife. And I want to be again. I want to share my life with someone else and find that great love again or maybe it will be even better! And what a wonderful blessing that would be. It seems as though I will maybe only find understanding with another widower. I love talking about my husband (not all the time) because he was my best friend. And if I can find someone who would be willing to embrace the love I had for someone who is dead and realize that I can love another at the same time and in the same breath… just like when a mother has a second child… You just make room in your heart for more. More love. If you lose your dog… you don’t stop loving that dog but you might get a new one and love that dog just as much but in a different, very special way. Try and give us a break. Seek to understand rather than assume. We’re just going through stuff just like you might be going through your own issues. We don’t know how to do this. But most of us try. It’s been 1 year and 10 months for me and yes I know the exact date. So what… If your kid died you would remember every detail too. Grief comes and goes. I laugh and have so much fun and I have great days and then there are other days that I am struck with the loss and I deal with it. It takes my breath away at times but I pop out of it especially, when I am given permission to feel without having to hide it. You may have a bad day at work and need to become a little recluse as you deal with whatever challenges are on your mind. It’s just life. In summary… Let us love our dead person and in doing that you will show us that this sacred part of who we are matters to you and you will find out how much love we will have for you. That’s the best advice I can give you.

Hi
I just wanted to thank you for the tips on dating a widower. I’ve been dating a wonderful man for over 3 years. He lost his wife to cancer almost 4 years ago. His adult children and entire family have been very welcoming but it has taken some time to get there. As you said, go slow….and that’s what we have been doing. It’s been the hardest relationship I’ve ever been in and the best at the same time. I am still constantly trying to find my place when it comes to her birthday, Mother’s Day, or the day she passed. The most challenging truly is to not be offended. It’s easier said than done, however you just have to figure out what works for both of you.
I think the hardest part for me ( and the reason I appreciate your advice) is that most of my girlfriends have no idea how it feels. There’s no one to cry to or vent to that will understand….or tell you to hang in when you feel like the low man on the totem pole. Your tips are so helpful. Thank you! I really needed to hear them today!

Linda, stop romanticising widowers and widows. Widowers are humans, which means they possess all positive and negative characteristics, some are angles , some are selfish narcissists who use their dead spouses as tool to torture new partners. This is extremely dangerous to picture them all over media as the best possible partners in the dating pool. Many new partners overlooked selfishness, arrogance, cruelty, lack of commitment etc because they were told that widowers will become amazing as soon as they are done with grieving. In same case this is true, but in many not at all and people are left used, abused and heart broken. While choosing life partners we should be looking at their character right now , not a potential and if these people are able to meet our needs now not in far future. Stop manipulating those who date into believing that widowers and widows are such great catches, and much better than others because thousands of women and men, partners of widowed on Facebook groups prove that this is far from true.

Calls me his dead wifes name twice in a conversation.

Nice article Bobbi. I wish more women realized I’m not damaged goods. My wife of 32 years passed away five months ago from cancer. I’m 67 and the loneliness hurts the most now.

Hello. This is amazing advice. I just started speaking with a recently widowed human. We have grown fond of eachother and have a very strong physical connection. He goes through phases of wanting time to grieve and become emotionally stable and reaching out to me. First and foremost I am his friend and want to help him through his grieving phase. Is this something that I can do? Or should I leave him be and push him away until his grieving phase is finished?

I’ve been with this guy for 3 years. It’s been 6 years since his wife died. I’m realizing I need to let him process. I can no longer wait with him.

I like your thoughts, facts and truth.

Hello again,
I left out of very important piece of information. I’m not big on social media occasionally I will log onto my Facebook however his Facebook is over the top with quotes and pictures of her. I’ve dated a wIdower before he did not even have a Facebook I am very understanding but it was too much for me.I am very sympathetic I lost my mom a few years ago but there is a fine line between being tasteful and obsessed. He does talk about her but not incisively we talk about both our former relationships but have really started to grow quite close.
Thank you

My widower friend keeps taking me to the same places where he took his wife of 51 years. How can I change this?
.

Am dating s widower and all I understand about his relationship with her was a different one with my, and any time I tried telling him that she is a different person and I also, and he should know that I have never been married before and he should do what he suppose to do to me. We got talking I naw told him that I noticed some thing with him is like his relationship with his late wife before marriage so many things are missing. The next thing was he got angry that I should not bring her in to this bla,bla,bla. Please is really disturbing me please advise me how will I go about this please thanks

thank you. i would love to hear from you again.

Hello Bobbi,
I was reading your page and wanted your feedback on a widower I am dating. His wife passed away of cancer and it will be 4 years this year.
I met him online and we have been dating exclusively for 3 months now and met in July of last year.
There has been a pattern in getting to know him. We have a really nice time together and been physical intimate.

Sometimes when we spend time together, I don’t hear from him for a day and no text or even “how are you?” or “I had a nice time”. I only get acknowledgement when I am with him. Sometimes when he is over and he gets triggered, he just leaves. No explanation. I have attachment issues because of my own experience of relationship models that were not loving to each other. There are times I try to talk about things and he makes jokes. I have to tell him it’s not joke time. Then he will listen and I sometimes think he just agrees with me and doesn’t understand me and sometimes he does understand me.
He is very kind when we are together, we have interesting conversations, we laugh so much and when I was sick he went out of his way and made me food and bought me grocery.
I feel like it’s a lot of work and I am also in school part-time and work full-time.
I don’t know if I should be patient with him and focus on school?

Pearl

It’s hot and cold with him.

I got engaged xmas to a Pastor who lost his wife 20 months ago, they were married 48 years. I’m relatively new to the city and didn’t know him or his wife. The challenge for me:
1)her clothes, hats, shoes still occupy all the closet, numerous portraits/pictures of them are in every room. We can’t get married in his deceased wife’s:
1)Birthday month
2) There Anniversary month
3) The month she Died

I am just starting a relationship with a soon to be 70 yr old man. We are meeting on February 11, 2020. He is coming to meet me in Pennsylvania from Georgia. He has talked about his wife to me quite often. She died of cancer in 2012. He loved her very much. He said he is ready now and needs a good woman in his life. How do I handle myself with him? I feel I should let him make the first move in holding hands and having our first kiss. I don’t want to scare him away by being too forward. I was divorced 2 times from 2 narcissists and abusers. So, I don’t want to come to him too anxious. Can you give me any tips to ease my mind? Thank you, Kathleen

Thank you for the advice. I was praying that direct to the right advice on how to deal with a widower and God lead me to your site! Thank you so much! Your advice is answer to prayer.

I just now turn 81 years old and I ran across my childhood sweetheart the feeling is still there but it just so happens am still married I talked to her on the phone and that is about it but God what do you do in this situation damned if I know I am81years old and I’m acting like I’m 17 years old I guess I already know what the answer is I don’t want to hurt anyone so I will not do anything just thought I would put this down on paper

Hi Bobbi I wrote a few days ago, really could use advice and direction. I worked with a married guy for 3 yrs. never nothing more than co-workers and friends. I met his wife beautiful person. She got cancer, I would talk to her periodically, for I had gotten a cancer diagnosis before as well. Unfortunately hers got no better, she passed. Through her sickness I would talk to him as to console him. That went on for a few months, at about that point we started to date. I was scared, he said absolutely he was ready. We spent quite a bit of time together even went on a cruise. I looked for signs of him possibly suffering, but never saw any. As the Xmas holidays started to approach I started to notice a difference in him. Out of nowhere he quit me, said I’d always have a special place in his heart and that was it. I texted him in about a wk at New Years, he texted me back, I then texted as to how much I missed him, he responded the same to me. We agreed to meet, he said a little about how he had been feeling, which was grieving his wife we were intimate and enjoyed the evening together and I went hm. I called the next day we chatted a bit, and I’ve not heard from him since. My question to you is, what exactly should I do and how should I act, what should I expect I’m so messed up I’m dizzy. Please give advise.

Thank you for having something grounded in reality to say about this. I’m a very young widower. Early 40’s. Frankly I’m very angry at the bad advice and misconceptions about us. I am intelligent enough to know that I’m not trying to replace my wife and that I’m not going to compare a new love interest to her. I am interested in finding love again and I do believe that any two people can find “True” love, because true love isn’t something that falls in your lap, it’s something you both earn together. I recently had an incredible connection with someone, but I’m pretty sure she pushed back because I lost my wife and she’s hesitant to go any further. Something potentially beautiful has been thrown away because of bad advice from friends about her never being able to measure up.

I am 64. Female. Widow. I intentionally look for a widowed man to date and ultimately be my last relationship to walk hand in hand into our last years. Divorced men who got divorced after 40 years of marriage have lost half or more of their assets. They are bitter,etc. But dating widower we share commonality.We understand that losing a spouse is nowhere any resemblance of a divorce! We also know the real value of how special and limited our time is. And we have learned what it truly means “in sickness and in health”. In losing someone, you are trained to learn empathy, if one didnt have it before!

I lost my husband 3 years ago.I have grieved for him so bad.we were married 19 years but together 34.
just recently met and old acquaintance whom also lost his wife.I fell for him like a ton of bricks.He went away for the Holidays.I gave him his space with his dead wifes family.I have not heard a word call or anthing.I am afraid he will come back and feel guilty.we have had no intimate relationship. Few kisses and hugs.Hes took me to meet one of his childhood friends, out to dinner and to a private function involving his dead wifes friends.I know them as well.I am so afraid of being hurt.I am 67 and he is 71.my late husband was 16 years older.I am ready to move on after many tears and grief. He is a wonderful guy I think we can be a great couple but I am afraid I will be a best kept secret from his stepdaughter and family.what can I do .I dont think I could take his rejection.we do live and hour from each other.I have never been ask to his home.Have been invited to meet his neighbor and friend.Now we have a lot of RV events coming up I would love to go but am afraid he will not ask me.what should I do ?am I jumping the gun overthinking this.I am in love with this guy.I never thought I could love again,but I fell for him sameway I did for my husband.I adored him.I have to move on .my friend and I knew each others mate..we can talk about them.I want more than a dinner here and there.should I just wait to see how it develops or stop it now..

Hi Paul,

How amazingly you are handling the situation. I’m glad you are setting healthy boundaries with your family, specially with your grown up daughter. All you reasons are valid. I’m sorry you are going through the ‘stigma’ attached tondating after death. Keep protecting your peace and special lady. Best!

I have been widowed 16 years, since the age of 44. I lost my husband to lung cancer, he was 18 months younger than me. I started dating a man 5 years ago and he gets very upset when I comment on my late husbands new life with the Lord. I don’t talk to him about my late husband, never compared, or thought less of him. I was ready for a relationship again and he is 9 years my senior and never been married, and was not able to have children either. So he is very bitter that I had love and 2 children who are grown ups but still my boys. They live no where near me, we talk occasionally but usually not when I am home because I work 6 days a week. He is now retired and a grumpy person. I have gave it all I can the past 5 years and the last 3 we have been friend like due to some very harsh words after he would have a few and speak ill of my family. He talks to his sister 5 times a day who resides in the same town as us, and it took her 4 years to come around to me, and now he is disappointing to walk in the door after work to. I never know what I am walking into. I just bought a lil home to move into. We had lived together the last 3 years, platonic. He has 5 years invested in our “relationship” and thinks it is ok to keep going on the way we are and I have had the worst 5 years of my life! I will be 61 in February and a very outgoing person and he is a very bitter and holds onto anger from too long ago.
I would like more than anything to meet someone to grow old with and respect the father of my boys as I would honor his late wife as well. Is there such a place for us grown-ups who want something real and to fall in love and enjoy our Golden years?

First, let me say that I like your writings/responses. I don’t know how, but I’m going to try to make this short. The love of my life and I met in 2003, about a year after his girlfriend died of a type of cancer. I am a very honest, compassionate, spiritual & empathetic woman. So, I hate the weird feeling and don’t know if it’s right or wrong. So, he & I stopped communicating in 2005, but kept in touch here & there as years went by. We began dating again this year & he’s adamant about not losing me again, we plan to marry next year, as he has given me a commitment ring early on. WE ARE MUTUALLY IN LOVE & FRIENDS, and I’m overall happy. He absolutely adores me, and he was the first man that I loved. The issue with him & the deceased ex is, still this year he would reminisce & call her “My Girl” as if it’s present. Then I’m stuck like “Well who am I” in my mind… I let him say it several times before asking “Babe, I don’t want to sound careless but when you call her your girl, it doesn’t make me feel good.” He understood, & stopped. But, her best friend and he still has a friendship, and the friend says “You’re the only connection to her that I have.” So, when he talks to her, they reminisce about the deceased & that carries over to bringing up memories that were put away. He started to talk about pictures that he had of them/her and want to know where they are. I don’t know how to respond when he talks about her now & especially since it’s brought up more by her friend… I feel bad for my emotional state because it’s very confusing. I don’t want to say the wrong thing from my normal honest yet thoughtfulness…

Good morning. My qtion is that, I notice, I have been crushing on a widower and I don’t know what to do. Thou my brother work with him and he has seen me once that was when his wife die and it was since then I started crushing on him. Once in a while, he do ask my brother about me too. But what do I do, I need a real relationship with him. How do I start this pls. It has been bothering me for a month now.

I had about three friendship dates with a guy who just lost his wife. We knew each other really liked each other. Then suddenly after he said let’s do all these things together just suddenly stopped . I asked him he said he was in too much pain wanted to slow down. I said fine but then there was even more of nothing. So I asked him to please just let me know how he feels concerning me? Rather than nothing at all. Friends or nothing ? Getting together no more ? He kissed me and then ran is how it feels. And happened . We both had feelings. I’m sad and confused

Can I ask how you deal with the house? Relationship? And not feel like second best? I struggle daily….

I am dating a widower who wife died 3 years ago. I am his first dating experience since her death. We just became intimate after 6 months. He is a kind and gentle man and I do believe he is one of the good guys. I recently offered to come to his home, but he balked. After some discussion he told me he was trying to make the home his, but wasn’t ready to include anyone in his family circle yet. I feel like I forced this information from him, and now feel really quilty. He even stated it was personal and he didn’t want to broadcast his feelings. How should I handle this going forward? We have decided to continue the relationship for now, but I think it is on very tedious grounds. Thank you in advance for your advise.

Don’t always be available. If you can, date around. Also, understand he may have had a bad or sad day. Since he didn’t explain, maybe you need to find someone who is more sensitive and polite.

If you don’t love him, don’t marry him. If you don’t trust him, don’t marry him.

Thanks for this timely post. There is this widower in my office who proposed to me two months ago and I said no because of the way he used to talk about his ex-wife. I don’t want to be in competition with a dead person. He lost the wife over a year ago and they were married for about two years and has a little joy. He proposed to me again this week. I am trying to consider it, but he is such a friendly person. All the ladies in the office are always around him as if he is the only guy there. I already feel threatened and jealous. Am scared of accepting his proposal.

I really appreciate what you’ve done here. As a widower, myself, it is good that someone ‘out there’ has such a good handle on what it’s like from my perspective. My wife was ill for a long time before she died, almost a year ago now. When she passed I thought that I’d mourned enough for two months. I started trying to ‘start over’- with online dating for example. It didn’t bring me what need. But I also learned that I’m still healing, too. Give a widower a real chance to communicate, and TIME. We are, basically, trying! Thank you!

I have been dating a widower for over a year. His deceased wife’s clothes and bed side table are exactly the way she left them. Tomorrow is their wedding anniversary and we are spending the day together but he told me that he is going to post a message a facebook that will be respectful to both of us. I feel weird about that and I also feel guilty for not be 100% ok with it. Am I be selfish?

As he grows closer to you he’ll remove her things… after all they’re just things. He may feel if he throws them out he’s throwing a part of her away. Be patient with him. It could be as simple as him not knowing what to do with her things.

Thank you for supporting us women who have been dating a recent widower. It took me 10 years to start dating after being in some really bad relationships and now I am dating a great guy but I am unsure about so many things. Reading your blog is helpful and I am grateful. Thank you

I am full of gratefulness and tears as I write you this message… I am in love with a widower and he is a gem to say the least. What I noticed as I was reading your advice, was my reactions!! My friend would mentions her quite offten in all our conversation because everything we talked about that he did in the past she was there. “We did, We build. She helped …” There came a time I just wonted him to say, “I did, I built, I helped…” I get comfortable enough to communicate how I felt and he has adjusted. But now I am wondering if I am not grownup enough to handle his slip ups and we are down his wife and her family memory lane when I am trying to build new memories new connections. I could feel my immaturity rising up at your great advice. I love this man and he is a gem and I would like to grow up, being 68 on 11/7. I need more advise and tools because he is a keeper.
Juanita

I just wanted to say I am sorry that people who write for the pleasure in helping others does not need to be judged by her comments. Take it or leave it.
I was on a beautiful first time solo trip to Greece and met a wonderful man from my home town…which never happens. We talked for days, connected. I knew he was widowed. It was never mentioned when she passed. I am in Hospice, volunteering ..I knew that arena. We connected so well. It was like everything I had been searching all my life was in this man and I was going to meet him when I got home. The day I was leaving ( we have talked for a week) texts, phone calls. There was plenty of opportunity to mention that his wife passed Sept 23. One month. They had a wonderful, loving relationship For 36 years. I immediately said, “ no, no no” over and over again.
So fast forward we meet, the chemistry between us was super strong. A night together without sleeping together . But with lack of sleep from flying , the visit the next day and champagne made me very open and vulnerable.
It wasn’t until the next day he was going to come by that he calls instead in the evening and days that his behavior was inappropriate and again why are you on a dating site? I understand his feelings about getting on there. We both knew meeting each other was just not coincidence. So I know in my heart this Christian man needs to do the right thing for himself and his two boys (26 and 18). He figured me out like no one else has. So my connection with this widowed man is from a distance. But it came at a time in my life where I really know what I want.

Good article; just like any other sort of man, one has to go into the rship with eyes and ears open. I was in a nearly two year rship with a widower. I did everything correctly according to this post and also books on dating widowers I’d read. I was an exemplary “good girlfriend” according to your and all the other rship blogs out there. Still, after a great weekend, he tells me he’s been seeing someone else, it’s serious, the OW wants to meet me being into “all things Indian” and he still wants to train together and have the use of my home for an upcoming marathon here. My reply is not printable. After much rehashing, three things were red flags some of which didn’t show up til later on. First, speaking about his ex wife, it became clear she did not trust him when he was away from her. Two; although he’d begun dating me after enough time passed after the wife’s death, he’d actually started dating immediately. His treatment of the woman in question was so poor that it cost him his best friend. Three, he revealed some serious narcissistic tendencies over time. Mostly, I was treated like a Queen, he was proud of me, introduced me to friends and family; basically doing all the things a bf should do; that’s why the cheating and manner of breakup was such a shock. One thing was on me; when I’d met him, my gut was warning me big time. Also, we had a huge difference in intellectual levels and intellectual pursuits which was a problem for me at times. He hardly read at all; spending all free time on Faceplant and was not interested in learning new things. I’m pretty much the opposite though all these rship blogs keep telling me to date outside my comfort zone. From now on, if I ever date again, it will ONLY be with those sharing my values and who are equals; no exceptions. In some ways I am grateful to cheaterboy as the breakup was a turning point where I understood that living in my redneck mountain town ensured no quality man would want me and also understanding my toxic workplace would never improve. I retired prematurely, am moving to my 100 yo farm, sans all utilities, and living according to MY values. I may be alone for the rest of my life but at least it’ll be in an intact ecosystem. We also have our rednecks, our damaged, unhealthy men, but there’s a good many trees between me and them. Having the option of walking away from a culture you’re not compatible with rather than having it in your face 24/7 makes a huge difference. Widowers, like any other men, have good ones and not so good ones. Cheating happens as do many other poor behaviors and often it takes time before the bad stuff becomes evident. Apart from setting high standards and sticking to them, from the get go, much of this is beyond your control. This is why it is important to be living the way you want to as a single so you can weather the storm alone if needed.

Thank you very much for the insight. Just started dating a widower though he thinks am a little to young for him. How do I go about it. He agrees everything else is fine like says am mature, taken care of myself well save for the fact that am young. But as such he still calls n text back….

Thank you for these words of wisdom and comfort. I’ve recently started dating a wonderful man who is a W, and I was concerned that there hadn’t been enough time since his wife died…We’re headed into that falling in love area. I was trying to sabotage our relationship, out of fear of being played I suppose. Along came your writings, and I’m going to knock that crap off!
Thank you, again.

Iam in my early 50s. And my neighbor is in his 60s and very handsome. Cute. I never knew he was a widow? for 5 months. He is very nice & sweet. Iam not married. Single. No children. I would like to be close friends with him. But i dont know how to start. I have his phone number. And he has mine. No calls. I guess big red flag. help.☺ your advice for friendship with him.

I started dating a woman whos husband committed suicide almost 2 years ago. She dated someone for about 7 months before me so I’m not the first one after his death. I told her I didn’t want her to forget him, or think I was there to replace him, and that I was ok taking it slow on the emotions and her opening up. We’ve been dating for about 4 months and I recently moved in as a test to see if it would work. The house was the house they bought together, there are still pictures of them here and there and her whole Facebook is of them and she posts memories of them all the time on it. My biggest question is, is she ready. I’m trying to be patient, but it’s tough and I’m always questioning if shes being up front with me about her true feelings or if I’m there to fill a void. I love her to death and I want to support her and be there for her, but I’m not sure where to ask questions and where to just let her have space. I also want to make sure I’m not getting in my head and creating issues.

OK further to my reply yesterday, I have found out more. I went to visit the step-mom-in-law. Seems like a while hornets nest has been opened. The daughters are completely distraught especially the younger two (all are in their twenties). Mostly because this woman looks like their mother. She’s very “nice” according to the eldest but they are all shocked and sense an agenda. He was encouraged to start dating by his therapist and went online, picking her I guess as she looks so like late wife. She has been down 2 weekends so far and this most recent one included other guests all close friends of the late wife. Apparently the girlfriend did not fit in at all and while weekend was a disaster (according to eldest daughters boyfriend).
Step-mom has advised me to hang in there. She was great actually and it felt right to talk to her. She thinks he’s a long way off dating again as I suspected. I’m just sorry the girls are so hurt by it all. They don’t deserve that.

I’m Happily single 25 years.
While teaching a dance class there was a widower. He’s going on 3rd year loss of wife. Showing him a dance step he held me tight,
A pocker intense stare into my eyes and smiled, which i understood him letting me know
I LIKE YOU, he bit his lip; i got nervous but i had to stare back at his eyes. I had to meet him half way. I like him. It’s first time seeing him. He interrupted our stare saying, we should dance with others. Of course, I said. I parted to dance with someone else, and so did he. End of class he said to me, thank you for the dance class. I respo ded, nice meeting you. He left. I hope he is thi king about me as I am of him. Hope somehow he asks my friend, who he knows, about me or for my number. No way i will pursue him.

What do you think?

Thank you for your help and assistance.

I met and fell in love with a married man whose wife is ailing. She has gotten worse and wants me to wait on him. He has gotten depressed since her condition have gotten worse. What should I do

Hello I am a widower. I lost my wife on 1st of August 2019. She had a brain tumor. She asked me to retire and help take care of her. That’s exactly what I did. I was with her all 22 months of this fight. I know I am still grieving. I do eventually want to start dating again. How about some general advice please? I t will be hard to start dating after being out of the dating scene for almost thirty years except ,going out with my deceased wife. Thank you

I really hope you can help me! I’ve been in a relationship a little over a year! He was married 30 years and she had cancer! He had to give the ok to take her off of life support! At the same time his only grown adult child turned to drugs and lost his granddaughter of 7 years! He said he lost everything he loved at once!
I want to be there for him and have him be able to talk to me about anything, but I notice when he drinks he talks about it more!
I really try to understand when he talks about it, but at times when he tells me he lost his wife and how much he loved her, I feel like I ‘ll never will be able to compete against her! He tells me it was 30 years with her and only a year with me! I get that part, I really do, but if we got married tomorrow at our age, it would be a miracle if we could be together 30 years, therefor I feel like he’ll love her longer and no matter what I’ll do I’ll never be able to be the woman he loved for 30 years, so he’ll always love her more!
I have taken everything into consideration and I hate it I feel this way, I really do but it’s how it makes me feel! Please help!