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How Long Should I Wait to Have Sex?

There is a lot at stake at the beginning of a relationship, so it pays to ask yourself the question, “How long should I wait to have sex after I’ve met a new man?”

Sex can be a glorious part of a relationship, but get intimate too soon and the experience can wreak havoc on your emotions and mess up an otherwise budding relationship.

Getting this right is the key to maintaining your dignity and confidence, not falling for the wrong guy, and keeping safe.

Whether you’re coming out of a long marriage or have been on an extended dating-hiatus, this is a new time in your life. Our bodies and minds work differently than they did at 20 or 30.

And this time you want to get your needs met in a grownup, relationship-minded way.

Listen, I’m all for having fun and enjoying some amazing sex. So if you’ve got long-term love on your mind, check out the answers to these top 4 questions I get asked about WHEN?…

Q: Just how long should I wait to have sex with him? Is there a magic number of dates?

A: To sleep with him or not to sleep with him isn’t really the question…date 3 or date 6 is beside the point. If your end goal is a relationship, give it time.

My best advice: discover, don’t decide.

Enjoy the early discovery phase without getting overly invested. And by overly invested, yes, I mean jumping in bed.

Studies show that the oxytocin that women release after having sex gets most of us emotionally attached (which is part of the magic of femininity!) That alone can muddle up this discovery phase by getting you attached too soon and relying too heavily on the sexual attraction.

When in doubt, err on the side of waiting.

Just Wait

I’d rather you wait and get hooked after you decide a man is good, kind and interested in the same kind of relationship as you. Look for signs that he’s trying to make you happy.

Notice how you FEEL around him. If it’s too soon to make a decision about whether this guy is actually relationship material for you, hold off.

Realize that the wait IS NOT a game, rather a way to give you time to really sniff out his intentions (and yours!).

If he’s relationship-minded and willing to commit, he won’t mind waiting. The wait IS about making sure he’s willing to invest in getting to really know you.

If the wait is irritating to him, odds are good he wasn’t looking for the same thing. Either way, good news.

Q: But what if it’s so hot, we just can’t wait to have sex?

A: Ummm…still act like a grownup?

It all depends on what you’re looking for, sister. Believe me, I get it. When it’s hot it’s hot, and test-driving your compatibility in bed can seem like an ok idea in the moment. (When it’s really just an excuse to give yourself permission to go for it.)

Let me break it down for you: if you’re both truly interested in a capital-R relationship…a Grownup Man Will. Wait.

I see men graciously wait every day. Women aren’t the only ones who want to know if this is going somewhere.

Men who are relationship-ready want to know that you’re taking them seriously too. And if you’re quick to hit the sack he’ll wonder if that’s your pace with every man.

Giving it away too soon doesn’t require much of him (or you!). Wait until he can provide you with the trust, confidence, and honesty that you need – it’ll up the ante for authentic connection. And be sure you give him the same.

By the way, there’s nothing wrong with a fling. Nothing wrong with getting straight to it – but know that the odds of him taking you seriously as Relationship Material are slim. (Yes, it happens, but not most of the time.)

If you want to know – without a doubt – that he isn’t making plans with Suzy-Q tomorrow night after sleeping with you tonight, get to the commitment of a relationship before you go there.

Q: How will I know if he’s ready for a relationship?

A: There’s really not a lot of guesswork that goes with this. A grownup man who is looking for a relationship will tell you. Period.

If things are going well and you’re moving into 3rd date territory – ok, maybe 4th or 5th – he will likely ask you about exclusivity. (Here’s advice on when the right time is to be exclusive, and when it’s a red flag.)

Relationship-minded, grownup men are not into playing games. They just want to meet a nice woman, have an easy time getting to know her and eventually end up with one wonderful partner to share the rest of a great life.

The man who is looking for that will make it pretty darn clear that he’s interested.

This kind of man isn’t going to just have a romp in the hay with you. He is decent and has respect for you. He’ll show his interest while letting things unfold at a healthy pace. Yes, really. You’re not dating 30-year-olds anymore.

Q: How will I know if we’re ready to have sex?

Man and woman discussing how long should they wait to have sex

A: First, you have to know what YOU need in order to feel safe emotionally, physically and spiritually. Figure this out NOW…before you sleep with him.

Do you need to be exclusive? Do you need to use protection? Do you need the lights off, or for him to know about some scar or some physical feature you’re uncomfortable with?

Have a grownup conversation about how long to wait to have sex and do it before you are both so hot and bothered you’re not thinking straight!

Not to mention STDs and safe sex. STDs are on the rise for over-40 age group, so talk you must.

You have to be able to sit down, look at each other in the eye, and have an adult conversation about your relationship, safe sex and what you need to feel safe. If you can’t…do NOT have sex with him! The two of you are not ready!

Too many times I’ve coached women who thought they were in an exclusive relationship only to find out that the man never felt that way.

This happens when she assumed…but they never had a grownup, open conversation about each others’ feelings, expectations, and promises.

Being surprised when the phone doesn’t ring the day after really sucks! So don’t make any guesses!

Find the words. They don’t have to be heavy and scary. But know if you’re on the same page about future and expectations.

I’m all for having fun and enjoying some amazing sexual intimacy. But if you’ve got love on your mind, follow these tips.

I assure you they will limit your disappointment and help you find the happiness you so deserve.

A good grownup man will go right along with you. He will respect you for taking such good care of yourself. And, hey, if he doesn’t, then he’s not a man; he’s a boy.

Good thing you dodge that bullet early on.

Next!

How do you gauge how long you should wait to have sex? Will any of these tips help you in the future? Leave me a comment below.

  1. That’s a long time, but first having a commitment is so important. Sounds like he’s not willing to do that and if not, he’s not the right guy for you.

  2. Hi I’ve been with my boyfriend for 9 months off and on. We haven’t had sex yet. When he bring up the conversation about us not having sex yet he tell me if it doesn’t happen soon he might get resentment and might blow up and he doesn’t want that. He also says that since I’m not having sex with him he struggles being with me . I told him he makes me feel replaceable and like and option and he told me that the harsh truth is everyone’s and option. I just want some type of commitment before having sex. And not to be talked to like I’m just here for his convenience . Am I in the wrong
    ?

  3. Less effective alpha? Gross. First of all the concept of an Alpha male doesn’t even actually exist in nature. The leader of the wolf pack stands in the back of the line and protects the sick and elderly, checking behind them and walking at their pace. He doesn’t stand at the front of the line spewing testosterone, marching and howling.

    So if a man wants to be a true “alpha”, shut up and listen to what the women are telling you.

  4. When it comes to boundaries, no. Your feelings do not matter. The boundary matters. God there are some gross dudes in this comment section.

  5. Yes

  6. I use to, but I like the wait
    This one is a keeper.srsrsr

  7. I’m seeing this man . We like each other. He says he wants to spoil me and look after me. But two dates in he says untill im “ready” we will have to be friends. We agreed at the beginning that we are both looking for long term relationship. He makes excuses when I say shall we go and do x y z but then says come to mine I will cook you can stay over no sex as I will stay on the couch . I know he wants sex but I don’t so I’m avoiding staying at his house. What is going on

  8. If there’s a connection on the first date I’ll have sex with him

  9. So what happens when men turn around a say, you pay half?
    We don’t want to be used like ATM machines.
    What will you do if men decided to just pay for sex, instead of dealing with your insecurity.

  10. Yes!

  11. Definitely thanks i needed this

  12. Not only are they being disrespectful, they are being rude man-boys. Absolutely no! Do not accept any talk of sex at the beginning. If you’re are having this happen a lot you need to revisit your profile. There is likely something in it that is attracting these imbeciles. Well there are men out there who only want sex the vast majority of men are looking for a relationship so this shouldn’t be happening to you on the regular. Bp

  13. I’m 51 and I’ve been trying to meet someone to have a good relationship with. I met this wonderfully attractive man, and I’ve seen with pretty much EVERY guy on there, including this one I think I really could have something with, that after a few chats, they tell me how much they want me and describe fantasies pretty graphically. I always ask them what they are looking for beyond that, they tend to either beg me to talk back sexually, or say they don’t expect sex when we meet, as did the one I like. But then he does the sexually explicit talking combined with deeper conversation. Should I allow graphic sexual talk? Should I make him stop? Should I engage in talk, then not have sex when we meet and wait it out till we spend “enough” physical time together? Text and phone aquainting doesn’t count for time spent? I’m not used to online dating and just can’t seem to get my head around what constitutes “time spent” anymore. Should sexting wait till we know each other enough, like actual sex? See what I’m saying? Is it disrespectful for him to be so bold with only words? Can I engage with that as long as it’s not physical? Ugh.

  14. I am amidst a lot of complication currently. I am currently living with my boyfriend once, ex fiancé. We went out and got engaged about a decade back. He left the country for further studies and we grew apart. I moved on with somebody else, in a toxic relationship. My boyfriend after leaving the country felt cheated but was never available for me. He too later moved on with some girl. We somehow got back after 5yrs. And he now wants to give this relationship a chance. But we have no physical intimacy. We never had sex in the past, when we went out. It’s been two years after getting back, we’ve been together and we still haven’t had sex. I try to get close to him, he gets repulsed for some reason. He never wants to make a move or does it. We’ve been trying to talk to each other a lot since more than a month, how to deal with this situation. He neither wants to abandon this relationship without trying. Although I am getting mentally exhausted of waiting and waiting.

  15. Very informative..love this article

  16. I usually never leave comments on these articles but seeing so much bad advice coming from women I have to say something. Withholding sex is a form of manipulation. I see a lot of single women here because they want to wait 6 months to have sex? Who’s advising you? Are you looking for a relationship or a pen pal? Maybe someone to just give you attention? Sex is part of life and part of relationships, I’d say a big part. Please hear me out. If it is a relationship you want be upfront about waiting to have sex. But by no means make a guy wait months and months, you will lose him.

  17. Hello mike good evening,I have read a lot about your post
    There is this guy I met,we both work at the sample place but different departments,and we have known each other about 2 years then we were not dating ,we were distant friends,late last year his senior brother came to me that Is brother like me,I never took him serious during Christmas Day he invited me to his house for Christmas but I gave him excuse that I was not around,then just last month I went to his house,on my first day in his house he was trying to kiss me I declined but at the end I finally gave in by kissing him back,then after that day I was avoiding him and he noticed that, he always tried His best to check me at my department,but before the meeting in his house he has always called and chat but not always,just yesterday I decided to chat him up, then we hangout and he make mentioned that he thought I was avoiding him because he kissed me and my reply was that no I told him my new job has be taking my time and he want us to see by weekend and want me to sleep over,please I need advice do you think I should sleep over or just declined I don’t want to have sex with him now because am not sure if throughly he loves me or he just wants to hit and run am confused.i want to settle down.

  18. On till marriage

  19. It sounds like you have a good potential with this man. I’m happy to know you two are talking about “real” things about one another and discussing grownup topics; making plans together about how you want to approach getting to know each other. Good for you! Wishing you the very best, Bp

  20. My advice is to keep doing what you’re doing. Have grownup converstaions. Keep discovering about each other. Since you are LD, I hope you are using video to talk and get to know each other; not relying on texting, for instance. You know I’m rooting for you! Bp

  21. Have an adult conversation with him. Share your concerns and boundaries. If he’s not understanding and expects something more than you want to give, he’s not for you. Bp

  22. I thank you for this information. I have been in horrible relationships and I finally found a gentleman however he is talking about sex not about having sex but how do I like sex. He is out of state and we’re supposed to get together but Coronavirus is hinder our meeting. I made it very clear I don’t want to have sex the first time I meet him and he said he doesn’t want to either that he wants to get to know me . My last relationship we jumped in the bed on our third date and that’s the only thing we had to have in common and we were together 7 years. It was a very abusive and emotional relationship because he told me seven years later that he never wanted a relationship so he never respected the relationship. I think he was only in it for the sex. So I want to go slow with this man because I think he is the one, just from what I hear and we’ve been talkin two months probably at least 20 days to 30 days of it. I just don’t want to be used so I want to be cautious but not too overly cautious. I am 61 and just don’t want to play the game. Any help you can give me would be awesome

  23. Hi Bobbi,
    In the past, I’ve quickly jumped into bed with men that I felt attracted to, that were funny, that I could see something blossoming with. Even ones that met the tests you described of caring, of being interested, of supporting me emotionally, etc. But, here I am, still single. I’ve been feeling for a while that my issue lies in just being too easy to get.
    I just started talking to someone I met on a dating site, and he seems totally wonderful. We video chat, we text, we’re starting to get into talking about what we want for the future. The plan is to go visit him in two weeks time (he lives in a different state), and I want to hold off on sleeping with him, but it feels like since I will be flying to visit him, sex is a normal expectation (due to the cost, the amount of one on one time, etc). How do I share with him that I want to take things slowly this time around? Or do I even mention it? Is bringing him into the decision-making process too much of a buzz kill? Should I just go see him, let the weekend happen, and when it comes down to the nighttime activities, just say something coy like “you didn’t think I was that easy, did you?” or more straightforward like, “Let’s take things slowly?” I don’t want to game him, just want to make it last. Help!

  24. This was good information. I’m in my thirties and haven’t really dated much at all. I have kids that have kept me pretty busy and also provided an excuse to avoid dating. I’ve just had very bad luck with the wrong guys. I’ve been on dating sites for a long time, and no one has really caught my attention, until recently. After a few messages, we switched to texting, and have since started talking on the phone. He is the first man I have talked to that actually refers to the future as “when” not if. We have not met in person, but live nearby with plenty of mutual friends and a good chance we have actually met over the years and just were busy in our own worlds. I’ve went a very long time abstinent, and we have already talked about that to some extent. He knows I decided to wait for something more than a simple fling. We will finally officially meet in a few days and I’m not even nervous, which seems odd to me. Our first date will be just watching a movie at home, talking, and cuddling. It seems crazy that I am already considering how soon is too soon for sex, but we’ve also spent over 6 hours talking on the phone and who knows how many text messages back and forth. Everything seems so fast, but it feels like time is moving so slow at the same time. Usually a first date, I wonder if I will kiss a guy and I already know that is probably happening within minutes of first meeting (well up to him, as I won’t go for the first kiss). Our lives/activity preferences are just so similar that he sounds like a perfect fit. It really seems to be that he could slip right into my life and me into his without truly disrupting anything. A complement to our already happy lives.

  25. Thank you for the good information

  26. Thank you.it was really helpful.

  27. I think anyone reading this article should make some boundaries up for themselves no matter how much they like someone.

    For example:

    My boundaries for sexual intimacy

    At least 4 or 5 dates, out in the open.
    Have communicated what we want from a relationship. What stage life we are at.
    Have spoken or communicated about sex in at least one conversation.
    He seems actively enthusiastic and engaged in me and my life.
    He is consistently respectful.
    He goes to trouble to see me and make time for me.

    My boundaries for sex

    At least 2 or 3 months. Or 10 dates. Whatever comes first.
    Have spent time together exploring sensuality and it feels right.
    He doesnt pressure.
    Know that we both want the same things.
    He is consistently respectful.
    Know we can see a relationship together.
    He knows my triggers and past.

  28. He isnt respecting your boundaries at all mate

  29. Ugh. I’m posting this against my better judgment, but he did take the time to comment. Just remember ladies: this is One Guy. That’s it. And Brendan, I’m glad you found Your One, tho it doesn’t seem to have much to do about when you had sex (or didn’t). Bp

  30. I can agree with you time limits. but it depends on age and if she is of child bearing age still IMHO. But it all begins with frank and honest conversation. If the first date was just coffee and a short talk. etc 2nd date dinner and walk. it depends. I feel like there so many web site and so many “RULES” its insane. I get it its not tinder and you they are not looking for a HOOK up.
    but in my experience, if they is not sex in few 2 months, its time to ask why? have they dropped you into your sweet and just a friend territory? probably.

    My 3rd wife told me she had no intention at start of date to have sex with me, after diner a walk and drive home, see invited me in and played a song that make me think she wanted me, too soon? well we were married 33 years. until she died on breast cancer after the 3rd time. and yea she was older than me and had cancer at 29, so time and life was short, and its time to get on with it…..

    my 2nd wife I waited 8 months., sex with her(virgin) was ok but boring. my mistake. we only survived 1 year of being married, and trust me I did really want to marry her. and we talked about sex. but she was too rooted in religious hangups and I was too blind to see it. so lesson learned but years wasted…you pick? I say if u 50 and over; get it over with. better to find out your not happy with whatever right off the bat. its just sex. love come later and if u fall in love after 1 round of sex, well you got bigger problems. I never think any less of any women that has sex, on first date…I do get it. you figure its all they want…nope, but we do want to know if there is no spark and trust me sex is the biggest spark of all time.

    just my advice…

  31. He has high attraction to you or he would be gone.He is serious about you.He told you that you are difficult.Chances are you both have talked about sex and when he showed up he was ready.He is not manipulating you.Trust me I have nothing to gain by telling you this.

  32. Facts!Bro tell them again had a female just learn this and now she is crushed.I am so happy she did that because I found a ultra feminine female.

  33. Move on.I do not wait long.3 dates.A woman knows.There is no need in waiting you could loose your potential match.Had a woman try and make me wait.I was strait up.Told her I understand your game but making me wait will make me loose interest.Now I met a business woman from Beijing she is 27.The other woman is 42.I am 39.Now that I have started dating this other woman she is trying hard to give me sex but the wait just was to long.She believed that if I waited it would make me have more desire fir her…wrong I lost my passion for her.I was legit smitten with her from day one.Then a younger better woman came along with more to offer and no games.After meeting a couple of times.We dove head 1st.Now I am dating her fulltime.I value my time and have so little of it to give away so it is important it is not wasted with games like this.This is like women PUA stuff.Honestly I am happy she made me wait.I never would have found the one I am with now.I have higher value with the other woman.Women if you feel us make the plunge not all guys are players.We just move different.We are super sexual.The wait will only make us leave after getting sex,or leave before.A guy who waits to long has no real options.I believe because I speak well and have white strait teeth no tatts Im no thug I get a label or the nice guy…I am not nice.I am fare.Anyway much love and good luck ladies.

  34. Just make sure he’s not a tobacco-drug addict! They are SOOOOO messed up.

  35. The dude sounds manipulative and only has sex on his agenda. Personally, I wouldn’t bother with another date. He has no say in when YOU are ready. Sex is very intimate, it sounds like they constantly are on the lookout for a fling. Don’t be easy, stand up for yourself.
    They aren’t worth it.

  36. Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Mike. I think this is really good advice. I love “don’t chop away a man’s manlihood with too many months.” She may have a good reason for wanting to wait. He also has his good reasons for not. What helps with this whole situation is when the two people talk like grownups – with honesty and compassion. We can usually work things out this way. Bp

  37. There is no precise time set for : too early , or too late ,( i will be blunt )
    see it as a meter , with 3 zones , –1=too early –2=good potential for relationship–3=too late–,
    every man has a different gauge for those 3 zones , different life experiences will make the man think that his new woman does not fall in the ” spend a stretch of life with ” , that area is in between the “too early and too late ” gap of the meter .
    Eddy Murphy said it best , after waiting too long after showing you are not a player,
    a man will feel sad , and told to wait , he will wait , but after it finally happens when the controlling woman decidesthat the time is arrived , he will get the reward and leave .
    beware of stretching it too long , in a comment on this page , there is a9 month wait ,
    are you joking …? ball park figure = 2 months before the man starts to feel like he is not taken seriously ..
    fire away the mean comments , it is the truth .
    so of course don’t give it up soon , but don’t chop away a man’s manlihood with too many months .

    ..

  38. ML, I honestly don’t understand why you’ve waited 9 months without some concrete understanding of why she is making you wait that long. Is it religious? Has she had a traumatic experience in her past that makes her afraid? Does she have health issues she’s worried about sharing? There may be a valid reason but you deserve a clear “why” after all this time. It’s extremely unusual for adults to wait this long. If you can’t have a serious, honest, adult conversation about this I question whether you’re a good match for the long run. It’s time, I think. Best. Bp

  39. I have a question. I’m a relationship-minded man. I started dating a wonderful woman a little while ago. The relationship is my goal, and I know that sex is a part of any good relationship. I have not forced anything, I’ve been patient, and I only talk about the subject when she brings it up. But it has been about 9 months now, 80+ dates. She seems to be very comfortable around me and she does express an interest in having sex but it never goes anywhere. Whenever we are alone and we are holding each other and kissing, she stops me saying it might not be the right time or we should save it for later, and I oblige. So I guess what I’d like to know is, is there something else going on here? Am I missing something? She’s an amazing woman she really is, but it would absolutely break my heart at this point if she’s playing a game or something like that. Any advice would help!

  40. You can assume that all you want, though you’d be quite wrong judging that’s true of *every* woman. I’m going to assume that you are an immature man who has no grasp of the concept of Women needing to feel safe before screwing some Man who turns out to be some kind of asshole. Bp

  41. If a woman doesn’t have sex within a few weeks or 4 dates, I assume she’s emotionally frigid or doesn’t like sex, and I move on. You can play the manipulation and sex as a bargaining chip if you want, but you will filter out all the high quality men in your life, because high quality men do not tolerate manipulative behavior. Men like Fun, spontaneous, feminine women. They don’t like manipulative, scheming, controlling women.
    Sex is not an investment, it’s a connection, and depriving a relationship of connection is a great way to end up alone.

  42. Hi D. My advice is to follow up What I say in the article. Have a serious conversation with him about his intentions for your relationship. If you don’t feel Safe and secure after that, cancel your trip. Bp

  43. Hello Bobbi, great article first of all. I have been dating this man and it is going well. I just have some doubts, I know he is honest somewhat. I just think he still has relationship ties with the ex besides the kids. I have asked and denied it. Now, we are on about the 5 th date, no sex knowing each other for about 3 months. We are going away together in 2 weeks. I just think maybe it is too early to have sex. I agree it is a big investment. I really like him a lot. I am serious about him I think he is serious about me. He said he was serious. What do you think?

  44. I also am very glad I read this article! Bond before bod!!

  45. I met this guy two months ago ,am 23 and his 26, but our first date he tried to sleep with me but I said no to him ,same to our second date ,and Sunday will be our 3th date but I gave him an excuse and we prospone it to d next week Sunday, sometimes he find my tricks funny and laugh over it or sometimes he tells me he difficult I am ,but this tym around he said I shouldn’t fail him ,pls can you tell me wait to do on this

  46. Did you follow my advice here? If not, no. If so, probably. Bp

  47. I totally agree with you!

  48. I’m sly 23 my guy is 27
    We’ve known each other for a month now and on our first meeting,we made love
    Did we rushed things?

  49. Good move, Cat. I wish you all the happiness with this nice man. Bp

  50. I have started dating a guy and we really like each other. We are honest with each other 100%. I have told him I want to wait to have sexual because I need to make sure I’m respected and to respect myself to not let my emotions get in the way. I think there are intimate things in lives of a relationship that are beyond just sex.
    Communication, hugs, kissing, sharing a meal, sharing time and exploring life together. Activities and such. I told him it’s about connecting and growing our bond before focusing on the bedroom cardio.
    He said I’m in control and he respects me so much that he would never do anything that would result in me being uncomfortable. It’s about us and he can wait.
    It’s hard but it’s so worth it.

  51. Best to you Rene! Enjoy! Bp

  52. There’s no right answer here Mary. Sounds like the two of you have pretty good communication. Just like I say here, you have to decide what you need in order to feel safe. And remember that his is a journey and at every step you both get to make decisions. It’s not like once you have sex you are bound to loving each other – or not. One tip though: STOP holding back, especially letting him know how you feel about him. There’s no reason for that and don’t you think he deserves to know how you feel? Saying you’re attracted to and like someone is not by definition connected directly to sex. They are two different things. Try to just keep getting to know each other and stop over-thinking and trying to figure out the future. It has to unfold. You can’t control it right now. Bp

  53. I am 40, he is 52. We have been dating for about six months. We took things slowly because we are both looking for a serious relationship. Things were sexually warming up right before covid-19 hit. But then we had to stop seeing eachother and touch. Meantime we kept in touch on zoom and on phone. We both have been reliable and trying to keep a ritual about that. We finally met and he said something like he feels a connection only when we touch and he is confused. When we touch he can imagine a romantic relationship growing out of it, but he doesn’t feel the in love feeling when we didn’t touch. I have been holding back at expressing my attraction to him, and my desire to him, and verbal praise to him because I feel I first need the sexual intimacy to be able to freely express it. We both feel like our love language is touch and that because we had no chance to touch we can’t decide if we would fall in love.
    But we are also scared not to fall into a trap of just physical love. Sex could help us decide, or would make it even harder. Any advice?

  54. Yes it has helped reading this because I’m in this situation right now. I’ve started talking and I’ve seen him a few times. We went to school together but never dated in school. And have reconnected through Facebook with in the past few years talking. And just saw each in the past month since we were in school. I’m very interested and happy with him and he seems to be with me . So I guess we will see where this ride leads us to. RENE

  55. Great Katherine! Love to hear my work is helping you take better care of yourself, Hugs, Bp

  56. such a beautiful yet meaningful piece. I was thinking to have sex on my first-date, m having tonight, but now I will give it a think

  57. This is an awesome answer. I absolutely agree with these things that a woman must do in order to not sell herself short.

  58. I think that depends only on you

  59. Omg I love your comments, and I totally agree with you girl !!!

  60. Absolutely my pleasure! Glad you stopped by. 🙂 Bp

  61. This was the most sensible articles I’ve read. It gave me more confidence to wait until I am comfortable taking the next step. I always feel like I’m old fashioned in my thinking.
    Thank you!

  63. Hi there! Love your article.
    It really helped me.
    I was wondering if you had any advice on how and when to tell a new partner that you have an STD.
    It’s not an easy subject to bring up, and I’m worried my emotions will get the best of me.
    Thank you.

  64. Great article, thank you!

  65. Hi Helena,
    Considering what is going on right now & also that dating apps have changed the dating game. For some people, love might come easy as a month but to others this might just be the infatuation/lust phase so you want to make sure that true feelings are there before you gift him something so precious. You have just met him during covid19 phase, many of us have a lot of extra time and we are spending it talking to people on dating apps since we can’t do much other than that. So Id say keep getting to know him more and wait until things calm down a bit. This will make it more clear to see if he is truly interested in you and means everything he says or he could be hanging out with you more since he might not be able to practice his regular activities. Now what happens if you engage in sex and then all this chaos calms down and he starts to give you less of his time. Sure you’ll go back to your routine as well, but wouldnt that leave you wondering if it’s you that he’s avoiding? And that’s what can happen when you haven’t given each other more time to know one another. So I’d say, sure give him kisses but hold off on sex and get to know him more. Chances are you might enjoy the relationship even more then since you’ve both have gone through this chaos together!! & That can sure strengthen the relationship & make sex that much more enjoyable ❤️ Stay safe !!!

  66. maybe he is too good to be true or maybe he feels he is being honest. That fact that you are asking this question makes me believe you are already a little caution yourself. what’s the harm in waiting until you both solidify your feelings.
    Currently, with life being a little crazy it can speed up feeling- don’t we want security/love/feeling of safety when life isn’t? We also aren’t able to do normal relationship things like go out to eat, meet up for a drink, show him off to the friends- which maybe also creating a faster physical relationship since its either my place or your type of thing. I would say if you want to wait then do it if he is truly a great guy he will wait! Continue to discuss the hard questions which will only make your relationship more solid!
    Stay safe!
    (advice from someone who started to date just before quarantine herself : )

  67. Great article, however sex should never be an indication as to determining a long term rel or marriage. As for me I always feel things out, also I expect a man to work hard to get me, for example taking me to dinner, being on time, being consistent with his words and actions and basically meeting my standards. I can always tell if a man is a good lay for one night or if he’s a keeper based on how he presents himself to me. A lot of women do not allow men to pursue after them before they start treating the men like husbands (eg:cooking dinner for a man after 2 dates). Also a quicker way to know if a man is really set on you is to pretty much make him believe you are a lotta work (eg: I hate cooking, I like breakfast in bed, I like to be pampered etc) even if it’s not true. If he’s still coming around then either he really likes you or he is waiting to hit and run. But within that time he’s keeping to your demands, he is investing in you without realising, you can make out with him to encourage him if you are not sure you won’t lose your confidence after having sex with him. Personally, I feel more in control after sex with a man.
    Men love to invest, and though I like this article, it is not applicable to a lot of women who allow men to date them without setting any standards. Men love to work for what they want, giving them sex after a long wait makes no difference if you are not strict with your demands from the onset. Let a man be man, if they wanna impress you, Let them.
    We have allowed feminism to put us into playing the role of men and then we wonder why a lotta men are eating their cake and having it or why they ghosts us after getting the cookie from the jar.
    Sex creates bond regardless of gender and as women we should never forget the power the cookie holds, always 😉

  68. If anyone can give me advice on my situation I would greatly appreciate it! I am a 21 year old woman and I’ve recently started talking to my current boyfriend who is 21 years old as well. I have only known this guy for a month we met off of a dating app. But, we have talked everyday and have hung out everyday other day since meeting. He’s expressed to me multiple times that he wants me for his future and has been immensely kind to me. We can have those deep conversations about sex and he seems to respect me and understand me. I’m just worried that he’s to good to be true. We have moved into a serious relationship with commitment. He has also expressed to me that he loves me and that he thinks I’m his soulmate. Do mind you it still has only been a month. I know that he wants to start exploring my body and eventually move in the direction of sex. But I’m nervous to and I think my mind his holding me back from acting on anything or the time frame is holding me back because we’ve only been apart of each others lives for a month. Should I explore this part of the relationship or wait. Someone help!

  69. Good move, Helena. Go for happiness; not momentary satisfaction. If you feel you can’t control yourself then tell him to help you. Angood man will wait. Bp

  70. Wow, that hit me hard. It seems like a vicious circle. Women wait for the right one, lack intimacy, then try to show a nice guy how good the sex is… But guys put these women into bad categories. The only option is if we all keep our legs closed until the bond and trust is strong enough. I am dating the man of my dreams now, and he is crazy about me. I want it to last, so next is my third date, still only little kisses on the nose and cheek, I love it. He treats me with respect and I want to keep it that way. I rather set a nice man dry for a couple weeks/months than give into a fuckboy right away.

  71. Excellent article, this really helped me. I have a tendency to give into my physical feeelings too fast because I know when I love someone. I want to stop doing that because I am fooling myself, because I don’t know if it was mutual. With my ex, I got on top of him on the second date and it was super one sided. Really strange I find now. I just met someone new and I am going to show my love in different ways. We had two dates in two days so I don’t wanna mess it up, we really like each other! He’s also very mature so I don’t feel anxious to wait with sex. I don’t think I will ever lose him. It helps that he lives nearby and doesn’t use apps. I am going to wait a while and surpress my own desires to show him mine and that I am gf or wife material. I want him more than anyone I ever had before.

  72. After 7 months I want have any sexual attraction anymore.

    This type of behavior has biological consequences, his testosterone level starts to drop, it starts affecting things like his work, finances, family, personal

    You’d be killing his ego, libido and drive; making him a less effective alpha

  73. I absolutely agree with you about everything except for the first date.

    We are grown, not in high school I have A business to build I don’t have time to be worrying about when we can have sex, that’s a distraction and your wasting time when Yu could be living your life

  74. How is he a womanizer if he doesn’t wanna wait? That just means they may not be meant for each other.

    Also, how is it only about the woman’s boundaries, does the males thoughts and feelings not matter?

  75. My absolute pleasure! I love to know my work and words help. Have fun! Bp

  76. Wow, “Discover – Don’t Decide!” is exactly what I needed. I met a man 20 days ago off an app. (This is the first time an app has yielded anything substantial for me.) This man is a real serious man. He is flying in for a third date this week. I’m overwhelmed but you just put my head straight.

    Thank you for your words.

  77. 71 yrs old. Most woman will have sex right away. Wen they only want a relationship. They are very lonly. I avoid these woman. I like a woman with standards and requirements for a guy

  78. I’m glad for you Monte. Gotta love being in a Grownup relationship, right? Way to go. Bp

  79. I met a woman on Match. We are just short of a month in on our discussions. We are remote from one another now, but have had 2 dates. She is spending Christmas with me. We have committed to take the physical very slow. I am 63, she is 58. We both know that it is an exciting time, and that waiting will be good for us. We have already had good adult conversations about sex, and will have more. I find it fascinating to be at this stage of our lives and to be open and honest about not only our needs, but our limitations and how we will handle them. The more we share, the better it will be.

  80. I’ve personally waited 10yrs with my partner before even spoke about sex .
    She had kids when we meet so I became a father figure to her kids . More rewarding than sex.

  81. Thanks 4 ur msg am really grateful.
    God bless u and keep on advising us.

  82. I feel the same way…I been single for 6 years and it’s so hard to find a man who only into me…Im faithful..honest..respectful…not perfect but a good catch…hope we find what we looking for

  83. Yeah I love all I have red tho, it will me in my relationship. But I still need some more advice. Thanks

  84. Right on Maria! – Bp

  85. Poor Virginia Branch – this sounds like another edition of the movie “Good Will Hunting!” Will lies to Skylar the whole time about his past with having a bunch of brothers and such. It took Skylar forever to meet his friends. Truth is, that movie was much deeper than that in that Will was an abused kid who had no concept of the fact that a woman could love him back despite his horrific past and emotional trauma. Just glad the film ended up with Will following Skylar to Stanford. I always wanted to know what happened next! There is no possible way I could understand this man’s mind and what’s going on, but based on my experience and the experience of girlfriends of mine, is this man heavily introverted or terribly shy? Does he lack self esteem? It could really be that he genuinely lacks male friends and is ashamed of admitting it to you. A lot guys these days have a hard time making male friends if they are artistic or don’t fit into certain male gender stereotypes. Does he have roommates? I can imagine that any guy would be hesitant to bring his girl back to his place if he didn’t have his own bachelor pad. Lastly, he might feel his place has to be perfect, or you won’t like him. But as Bobbi says, he’s gotta talk and let you into his emotional world or you will be guessing until your grave.

  86. The first question I ask after a couple of dates is, “can I imagine this man being my best friend one day.” If not, I am out. I have fallen for men who I wasn’t initially attracted to. I have already been thru one divorce, and I am not doing it again.

  87. Tamara – then how do you explain the hundreds of thousands of couples in this country and in other societies who weren’t even attracted to each other for YEARS until one day, at the right time, the right place, some spark happened. My best girlfriend’s mom was not even attracted to her husband until one year after they met and it just hit her. They are still with each other. I am with Bobbi. I think the single biggest mistake women are making these days is expecting a romance novel like connection with a man. They expect things to play out like a Hollywood script and are expecting their knees to be shaking and their palms sweating too quickly. It ropes out too many good men, especially those who might have an introverted side. Type A guys suck at emotionally connecting with women, even though they will give you a nice car. Is a spark important to have? Yes, but it is not chemistry. Chemistry leads to women falling for players and selfish lovers. You will be seeing your partner 95% of the time with their clothes on.

  88. I have never met a guy who was really interested in me as woman – mind, body, spirit and soul – who refused to wait until we were serious. Also, saying that you’re only physically intimate with men within the confines of a closely committed relationship is a great way to weed out the players in your life. None of these womanizers have the patience to wait around for a girl that holds her ground in terms of her boundaries.

  89. I completely agree with Julio on this as a woman. I have a g/f who has been seeing a guy for 5 dates now, an unlike other men she has dated in the past, he hasn’t made a move towards the bedroom. She is just so used to seeing guys make this move that she got concerned if she was attractive enough. I mean, they have been kissing, so there was no question about this man’s sexual orientation. She finally just invited him over for dinner and to bring over a “fresh set of clothes” just to see how he would react. Turns out that he prefers to wait, and is not comfortable making love to females he doesn’t have an emotional investment in. He assured her it had NOTHING to do with her and his attraction towards her. He would say the same exact thing to any gal. She actually thought it was sweet for a change. He said it with such confidence and with such an adherence to his boundaries that she’s actually even more turned on by him now!

  90. I simply have to wait until commitment after a long, getting to know you phase. I don’t wish to wait until marriage. Doing that would be like not paying attention to your partner’s financial habits until after marriage, although I respect people who mutually agree to do this for religious purposes. Whatever consenting adults agree to do is none of my business. I think one of the reasons why divorce cases have skyrocketed in our land is that people are wanting to rush, rush, rush relationships. Both males and females have forgotten just how emotionally powerful sex is, and also how risky it can be if you doing it with partners you do not know. Also, you are severely limited in what you can do sexually, even if you practice birth control, if you don’t wait. If you do not have commitment, and if you haven’t been tested (together) if either party suspects that they may have put themselves at risk health wise, you are limited (use your imagination). That’s uninteresting to me. I have zero idea if research backs it up, but I know that while Oxytocin, that lovely bonding hormone, is more present in women, it could possibly be that I have more of it in me than the average male. I know that it’s not absent in men. I have never liked casual sex, but that’s me.

    Communication allows you to discuss likes and dislikes, whether or not trauma has occurred with either person (it will affect your sex life, even if the “victim” has done a lot of therapy work), and any possible hang ups. And regarding hang ups, I strongly advise that people don’t drop someone just because they have a hang up or two. Maybe they just have not been with the right partner……you. It’s like what I say about red flags in dating. It’s not the red flag that is the issue (well, if the guy has three felonies……), it’s whether your partner takes ownership of the issue, is willing to discuss it, and work on it on their own and with you.

    I also strongly feel that couples should address sexual issues (or other relationship issues) as OUR issues if the person who has the issue, again, is willing to discuss it and work on it. If they’re in denial, or refuse to work on it, you possibly have a problematic person on your hands. Especially with a man. You don’t want a stonewaller. However, by isolating a guy and saying, “Hey, this is your issue, you deal with it chump,” when he has clearly admitted it is an issue and that he could use your help, you could really be missing a special person. You can choose to use it as an opportunity for deeper bonding, or a chance to possibly reject a really great guy from your life.

    For me as a male, I just prefer to wait , and the only woman who threw a hissy fit when I said this I later found out was a headcase. I avoided a landmine of a relationship.

  91. It was very helpful as the serious man has to show me respect.

  92. I also agree. Trust is huge for me.

  93. I agree

  94. Didn’t read the whole thing, but with what I’ve read, I couldn’t disagree more. This is the kind of thinking that ruins something that has the potential of being something really nice.
    I understand, if you’re in high-school, maybe it’s ok to be reluctant at first, but since you’re both grown ups, I think you should be more mature about this. I’m not saying to jump in bed with everybody at the first date, or the second, or the third. But after that, if everything’s going well and he shows interest, but you keep finding excuses not to sleep with him, it’s going to put him off (also, first date sex is going to put him off).
    It’s not like you’re going to benefit from putting it of for months. By doing this, you’re just wasting your very limited time on this earth. Maybe you’ll go out for a couple of months and then decide not to see each other, or maybe you’ll end up staying together for life. Who knows?
    So what if you slept with somebody and a couple of weeks later, you decide to split? That’s life, and for a short period of time, you were happy together. You shared a moment that will turn into a positive memory.
    That’s what I think.

  95. Oh I blew it…
    In the online dating arena I have usually talked , texted, pictures with a man before. So by the time you meet under 3 weeks you have gotten to know them that way. But in person, they don’t have the text wall up anymore. They are far more insecure . I can’t give it all away for my pleasure because there is than nothing to work for.

  96. I have very strong feelings on this if your intention is attract a man for a long term committed relationship…..whether it leads to marriage or cohabitation. I simply will not have sex with any man unless there is not only commitment in the relationship, but a high level of trust, communication and emotional intimacy. My primary focus in dating, at first, is to weed out all the womanizers and players, and there is NOTHING that will weed those guys out better than what I suggested. I cannot believe some woman wrote a 200+ page book called “The Player Slayer” when this method is so simple and works without fail. No man who is a player is going to stick around for a girl who won’t put out and has drawn a line in the sand. Who has created strong boundaries. The other issue is that I feel that one of the major issues with divorce is this nation is that people are getting physically intimate way too quickly. I am not anti-sex, but I am anti having sex until you for gosh sakes know someone. This is an intimate act that can give you an STD, a baby or an orgasm! If you just want to have casual fling that is one thing (not my kind of deal, but more power to you), but I want to know my partner inside and out before I engage in this level of intimacy. It is the only way I feel safe. And I feel one of the worst stereotypes about men that women get handed is that unless they “put out,” a guy will go away. It’s nonsense. If a man is really, really into you, he will wait. HE WILL WAIT! He might not wait until marriage, but he will wait. Lastly, the key to great sex in a long term relationship is communication. I just don’t like talking sex with someone I do not know very well. Especially a member of the opposite sex. I do not feel there an exact number of dates, etc. But I just will not do it until there is commitment, emotional intimacy and communication. I think we have made sex into a amusement in this culture in some ways. It’s a sacred act with all sorts of consequences. If your desire is to have a long term partnership, the longer you wait, the better off you are, although I certainly wouldn’t want to wait until after marriage. I don’t know……….7 months? It just depends on what you both feel is right. Keep the communication likes are open. But as far as I am concerned, the quicker we get rid of the 3 date rule, the better. You hardly know someone after three dates. You want to risk something like that?

  97. Neela, your question to me is what to expect from your relationship with this man. You can expect more of exactly what you’ve been getting. Mixed messages, no-commitment, and no real healthy relationship you can count on. He was honest from the beginning about what he could offer you – nothing. Please listen to him and consider moving on asap. Otherwise you are wasting time and setting yourself up for more future heartbreak. – Bp

  98. Hi, this article seems interesting and I hope you have answers of my complicated relationship.

    I’m 25 years, female and I’m dating or more likely he is my boyfriend, 36. When we started out he told me he wasn’t looking for anything serious due to his background. He’s divorced, has a son, and living with his parents since divorced. He still lives with his parents nothing has changed. He also go through depression and he takes antidepressant sometimes. Okay, we are co-workers and that’s how we met. I asked him out and he actually wait months to told me he wasn’t looking to date and he rejected me several times. After I stop interacting with him he would do absolutely anything to get my attention and I did give up and talk to him. One day we kissed and he told me we are partners. I agreed I wanted him more than anything and we had on and off relationship. It’s been ten months since we started dating and we only had sex two times because he doesn’t have time to go out with me on weekends and we get to see each other at work. I told him I loved him via text and he told me I’m nutty. He also told me he’s not romantic and I get that because he is very shy and private person: He said he is committed to me but he never plans dates. But he can’t stay mad at me and even if I pissed him off he would always wants to talk to me. I don’t understand what kind of relationship we are in. His parents/sister knows about me but He haven’t taken me to meet them or his son. He acts like he cares for me, maybe loves me but he doesn’t say it. I don’t know what to expect from our relationship.

  99. Thank you so much for your response and such a prompt one at that !
    It reaffirms my belief that waiting for love first before getting intimate may be old fashioned but not out of fashion . The right man will be fine with it .
    Thanks again
    Namrata

  100. First, This man is a total jerk and I hope you NEVER have sex with him. A good man would never pressure you and put you down like this. Please get him out of your life. As far as how long to wait, wait until you find someone you fall in love with. Some men may find this difficult, but a man who is serious about getting to know you will show patience and talk with you about it, sans the pressure. Bp

  101. This is a great article .
    My situation is somewhat different ( although the underlying concern is the same ).
    I am in my late 30s and have never been intimate with a man . I moved to US in my 20s from India , got caught up in my education ( I am a doctor ) and also body image issues . Hence no serious relationship, hence no sex thus far .
    Now I am freaking out that I am in my late 30s, haven’t found my soulmate and by this age , men expect you to have a certain amount of “experience”. It has happened to me before but most recently, as I started talking to this guy ( online ), he very quickly started talking about sexual preferences. He told me that he was just not looking for a fling but something more serious but he quickly guessed how inexperienced I am and can’t get over it. He keeps going on and on about it.About how I live in my fairytale bubble if I feel that romance will precede sex. He told me he had gotten farther in junior high than I have in my life. When I told him that intimacy will grow after emotional trust, he told me how was he supposed to take care of his needs while I get comfortable? This is not different from what I have heard before . This time , this man is younger than me by 7 years ( but still in his 30s) and American , the last one who said that to me was older than me by couple of years and Indian , yet felt the same way . I understand that I am from a traditional mindset but I firmly believe love precedes sex.
    I read your article and majority of the comments. How long would a man be willing to wait specially for a virgin ? What’s reasonable ? How do I answer if he keeps bringing up his “needs”? Am I living on a different planet if believe that love should precede sex. I hate all this pressure . Totally sucks the fun out of it .
    Thank you much !

  102. He’s pressuring you. He has no potential. Bp

  103. Hi thanks for this article I pretty much know the answer to my questions just wanted clarification met a guy 4 weeks ago and he has a lot of great qualities that I’m seeking in a man however we haven’t been on a date nothing at all he has been to my place twice I’m been making a effort to try to get to know him but he isn’t doing the same he has been coming on strong about having sex right away that’s all he talks to me about it’s very frustrating he claimed to want a relationship about a week in but I feel like that’s crazy we still need to get to know each other and he says he can’t take me seriously until we do the do well I can go on and on and on but just leave it here he seems like he has potential if he would just stop pressuring me to sleep with him

  104. Hi Patricia. I am so happy you saw the value in my work here and that it helped you realize that you have a “good one.” Yep, this is the lovely part about dating at this age: they have grown up also! Keep taking care of yourself and communicating openly with your man. You’re on a good path! Hugs. Bp

  105. What an awesome article! So on point and genuine. I recognized some behaviors in my new potential steady that were mentioned here. I have to admit, it hit home pretty hard and felt good to know that there are good, decent men out there still who appreciate a woman who knows her worth and is WILLING to wait for her. He said it! I can definitely see myself with this one..thanks SO MUCH for the insight.

  106. Why? You should talk with him and tell him how you feel. If he really wants to be with you and learn who you are, he will be there to hear you tell him how you feel. Maybe he have the answer to your questions.
    I get the feeling that there’s something you are afraid of. I sense that you don’t trust him, or yourself. At least not enough to tell him. You would talk to him if you didn’t fear, what ever it is. Don’t you think so?
    I learned a lot when i was in the army. About myself, others and many different things I have had use of. But if I had to choose one I could not be without today is, if you’re in doubt, you’re not in doubt. Then you ask. You say you doubt. Don’t know. What?

  107. hi Yvonne. I love this: Remember the good part of life is short and the less then good part can seem very long. Indeed.
    I agree with most of what you say here though in my personal and professional experience you are an exception if it was easy for you to have sex with a man and THEN have him tell you he doesn’t want what you want. For most women that is a really difficult thing to go through and, after it’s all done, just getting laid wasn’t worth it. Thx for your comment! Bp

  108. I am with you Tamara. We are adults and can decide when we want to have sex. A mature man won’t hold it against us if we agree to have sex early rather than later. This isn’t high school anymore, nor it is it 1950. Not all of us want to get married again, but many of us do want to date and perhaps have an exclusive relationship. In fact, all but a very few of my friends say marriage is not something they even think about. Many still married flat say they will not marry again. Does that mean we should not have sex? We just have to be ready to be disappointed if it does not turn out how we want – and move on. For example, I dated a guy I liked a lot. He said he, and I believe he did, liked me a lot. But when I asked him about being exclusive after we had been having sex , he said he was not ready. I asked for what I wanted and did not get it. You have to be OK with that. I moved on because I wanted an exclusive relationship, but not marriage. At this point, many of the men out there in the appropriate age bracket are not doing well – many and I mean a lot cannot get it up and are embarrassed about that, forgetting that they can be good lovers without an erection. Many seem to have emotional or mental problems. Remember the good part of life is short and the less then good part can seem very long.

  109. I’ve waited 2 months and I know full well he wants an exclusive relationship. Problem is is I don’t know. I just DONT. KNOW!

  110. I feel your pain. I dated this guy for little then a month and we also had the conversation about sex he always said it’s not about that for him and the day we had sex after that we never met neither did he replied to my texts and on Thursday he texted me saying he doesn’t think it will work out for him. I tried contacting him again and again but he blocked me. I ended up feeling like a complete idiot . He was a really nice guy he also told me that he wanted a long term relationship.

  111. Samia, it sounds like this man has issues around sex and doesn’t want to talk about it. If having sex is a must-have for you as part of a long-term relationship then you should tell him this and be prepared to move on. You can’t force him to have sex nor to talk about it. You are just in charge of you here. Best of luck. – Bp

  112. Hi I’m samia. I really like the posts here its very helpful. Well I’m dating this guy for 1 year now and we didn’t have sex yet. I offered him twice and he said “I’m not ready.” I asked him several times that what is holding him? He said I had bad experiences with my past girlfriends. They made me do the sex and after we had sex they broke up with me. He also said he is not good at it. He never talks about sex because he is kinda afraid that I will break up with him after well have sex.He said there are religious reasons to and he is kinda afraid what my parents will think of him. The last time I had this conversation with him he said I don’t know and I don’t have any specific answer for it. He was a little upset about the conversation we had about that. I’m giving him some time now. He is a nice person and respects me. He even introduced me to his family and willing to meet my family. I’m just confused what to do next?

  113. This is great advice, thank you for sharing! 🙂

  114. Let me know if it makes a difference for you! Enjoy the relaxation of Being the Real You. Bp

  115. Thank you it was very powerful and I’ll apply it into my life.

  116. Your advice is here in this article. Also talk to your family, clergy, and older more experienced friends. It’s a BIG decision. Don’t rush. When you know it’s time just share with him your concerns. If he’s a nice guy he will show you total respect and acceptance. Anything less…leave! Bp

  117. Hi. Im a 17 year old girl and I just got my first boyfriend 2weeks ago… he’s 19 and I really care for him… I was wondering since I’m a virgin, how do you know if you’re ready?

    I know I want to have sex, but am I ready for it?

    He’s really nice and respectful, but I’m scared to show my body and for him to feel my scars and body in general… what should I do?

  118. Seslie, getting dumped after being intimate is so painful. You said that you had “those discussions about commitment,” but you didn’t share what he said. Did he agree that you two would be exclusive and that he was open to exploring long term commitment with you? Were those his words? If so, and he flaked, then you have been “played” as you say. If he didn’t explicitly agree to those things using his words, then it was up to you to put the brakes on having sex. Next time go slow and listen very carefully. And yes, it’s his loss. – Bp

  119. I am sorry Selsie. I know it feels bad but you’re right: he just wasn’t the man for you. Disappearing, particularly after sharing intimacy, is a bullshit childish move. He didn’t deserve what you were willing to give. Hugs. Bp

  120. I am sorry. Sometimes people are just not right for eachother. Yes I am trying to get over the fact, I have been played. I had those discussions about commitment with my new guy. I was ready to commit and obviously he wasn’t, because we had sex n now I haven’t heard from him in two weeks. I am a honest and genuine person
    I would have been considerate enough to respond to his text, if it was the other way around. I am so mad and disappointed, because I really felt we were on the same page. It is a different time in the dating world, since I have been out here. Me and my late husband had a whirlwind and had sex very early on and were together for 20 years with one three months separation. So I don’t know know next time I would probably wait longer, before having sex. This man was six years younger than me and I don’t know if that makes a difference. I am so mad and having a difficult time not texting him or calling him. C’EST LA VIE. His lost.

  121. Well, I am the main example of maybe having sex too soon with a guy. I really felt that we were on the same page of a relationship. Things were going well N we had that talk about wanting a commitment. We either talked or text everyday. Anyway we had sex and for me I enjoyed it, after coming off not dating for years from my husband’s death. He talked about how he wanted me to meet his family and now I haven’t heard nothing from him. He had a trip already planned of visiting his son overseas and I am so disappointed to say the least. I guess I misread him and it won’t happen again. As a woman it makes me so mad, because I feel that he wasn’t the usual man I preference, but I wanted to give it a chance. I learned an available lesson. But I really feel, it depends on the people. He is just not the man for me

  122. Pam I’m sorry to say but this guy is not one you want to get closer to. A decent grownup man who wants a real real relationship will wait. I see that time and time again.
    You dodged a bullet, girlfriend. He’s an immature boy. Be glad he’s gone. Bp

  123. I am 65 years old. I met a man and we have been dating for just over a month. We laugh a lot, have fun, just starting to connect emotionally and I am very attracted to him. I just received a text from him that the relationship essentially isn’t working for him because I have not had sex with him. I tried to explain I need to go slow, he was just coming out of a relationship and so forth. No response. He just went dark

  124. Great advice! Just what I needed to hear!!!

  125. Where have you been all my life@! Seriously love your message!

  126. Honesty this helps so much. As a guy in his 30s dating a girl in her 30s, it’s been going amazing 6 dates in, but I’ve had friends asking if I’ve hit it already. It’s made me question a few things, but reading this has actually reaffirmed that im on the right track. Its not just about the sex. She is taking her time and im honestly looking forward to our 7th date next week. Its about that connection. Im panicking a little inside, but this helped me calm myself a little bit.

  127. Thanks for the advice. I’m a 54 widow who met a gentleman online who is a widow as well. Very scary since I haven’t dated for 39 years! Your advice really helped! We been on 5 dates. I really like him. But we need to have that talk. So I need to bring up this conversation about where we want this relationship to blossom. I already told him we need to take it slow get to know each other and build a foundation and he agrees

  128. Great article! Perfect for me at 42 newly seeing a 54 year old that really wants it bad but definitely seems to respect me. Going out with him tonight and Saturday nights. I’m putting the kabosh on sex both nights . Out of an 11 year marriage and just had a 9.5 month relationship with ex boyfriend decinegrate (his own issues). It has taken me a while but I am learning to NOT make assumptions and that waiting will spare me of any disappointment if it doesn’t go anywhere. Though this guy seems to want to go everywhere with me…I’ll see I guess. Thanks for your tips!!

  129. The advice on here is very good. I am a 51 year old male that just started to date after a 16 year relationship/marriage, preceded by a 18 year relationship/marriage. I have always been different than most men as far as sex. I need an emotional connection first. I prefer to wait and get to know the woman first. I dated my first wife for 5 months before having sex and I was 17 at the time. If the guy won’t wait, move on. If he can’t respect your values or boundaries in the beginning he is not going to get better with time. I know of couples who have had sex on the first date and have turned it into a relationship, so people are different, but it is what is right for both of you. I personally would not have sex on the first date and would not have a second date with a woman that would want to. Nothing against her choices, but it just makes her not compatible. I also think a woman/man who would have sex on the first date would have a much higher probability of cheating if you did have a relationship with them. But just my opinion. I always like the line from the movie “Hitch” when Will Smith (he is a dating coach) is talking to Vance (a man trying to become a client) and Vance is saying how he needs to hit it and quit it with a woman and Will Smith says…”You don’t understand, my clients actually LIKE women”. If a man is looking for a relationship the sex comes later. Yes, I eventually want to see if we are compatible sexually but that is after I get to know you. If you are considering having sex earlier than you are comfortable with in order to please the man that is not good. IMO that is not a sign of a strong woman and for me would be a turn off. A man that wants to pressure you into sex is nothing but a predator or a narcissist or worse and clearly already has no respect for you. I have lots of respect for a woman who values herself and her body and doesn’t give it away to any man that pressures her enough. I have told my daughters to never have sex with a man unless they 100% want to on their own and to never give in if they aren’t ready. I have also explained to them that they have the right to be a woman that has sex when they meet someone or a woman who waits. It is there body and their right but it should always be their choice…Period! I think women are amazing and think the world is a better place when they are empowered. I think better women make men be better men. Trust me, most need the help.
    I read several articles on here as well as the comments. It is great advice. The article about dating after 40 surprised me with the comments. Where are all these women writing the comments? Trust me, that good guys are out there and I am not sure why I am not finding women like you. I have just started dating and I am lucky to look younger than I am. I work out regularly, am told I am attractive (a solid 8 according to several women) . I have dated a 35 yr old, 49,55,63(yes I am open minded) and now a 52 yr old. These have just been dates/meeting no relationships yet. I have found an odd similarity in all of the women so far that I can’t exactly put my finger on. A few have had their lists which I am not really fond of. One said I was perfect if I just played golf?? I have tried to approach dating with a positive attitude of just having fun meeting and getting to know new people/women. I have taken pressure off of myself because I just don’t want to be going into the interactions with too many expectations. None of the women I have met so far seem at all interested in my character and that bothers me and honestly turns me off. Sharing common interests is nice but I am looking for a good women with integrity, honesty and the capacity to give as much love and respect as I am willing too. As corny as it is, I am still looking for my soulmate, someone to share my life with. I in no way mean perfect. Perfect would be boring. Just truly compatible (values and integrity) and relatable. So far the women just seem mechanical and looking to fill their checklist. I feel like I would just be filling the space in their chessboard. I am only saying this because I believe this site understands this about women and is offering solid advice to get you out of your own way. And yes common interests do help but you can also make new ones together if you don’t already share some. I also always found that with my previous spouses that I could really enjoy seeing my spouse enjoy something even if it was something I didn’t particularly like. I could enjoy it through them and it made me feel closer too them. I am also different in that I wear my vulnerability/emotions on the outside. I always have. It’s me, like it or leave it but don’t be disrespectful. I am looking for a true authentic soul connection and I am not afraid to say that and to move on if you think that is corny. I am so intent on finding it and not settling as I have in the past that I am good to be alone until I do or if I never do. No more settling. I am optimistic, I believe it will happen.
    And now I have rambled on…but my point is that there are guys out there wanting what so many of you in the comments are saying you want but I am not sure why the connections are not being made. Maybe you are being more honest in the comments than you are in person. I say put yourself out there and say what you want. If guys don’t like it then they weren’t the ones you wanted. Look for character, I think it is everything. This website could definitely be helpful. Good luck to everyone, at least if you are here you are open to introspection and improvement as I am.

  130. I’m so happy to hear that Michele!! Yes! Enjoy and keep taking good care of yourself. Bp

  131. Thanks Carmen. I’m glad you’re here and so happy to hear that your man sounds like a grownup.Good job taking care of yourself. Bp

  132. It’s not just hope, it’s a lot more than that. You’re going to ‘fix your picker’ so your attraction is for the good guys and having sex with them will be a positive experience. He will want to have the conversation and he’ll want you to take the time you need. I’m glad you’re here reading this. Remember, you’re going after HAPPINESS not just PLEASURE. 🙂 Bp

  133. I’m sorta sorry to hear this, Mecheal, but it sounds like you took good care of yourself. You know what we say: Next! I know another will come along. You’re going back out there, right??

  134. Hi Robin
    Of course Bobbi’s right!
    When it’s right and YOU are comfortable, it will happen. Don’t think its shut down…a good man will stir it up, li’le darlin (I discovered that after 5 years n thought the same) and yes, maybe SOME discomfort at first, but that’s part of the discussion to have and to take it slow and talk to him, he can’t feel your discomfort. There’s also lubrication available, as some women may have trouble, or at least at first when the cogs start turning again…but they DO turn Sista! 😉
    Hugs
    Mech

  135. Hi Bobbi,
    This is SO TRUE!!
    I’d said I wanted to wait, but he pushed and around date 7 I had sex with him (George). Things were great for a while but my emotions stopped growing from there, they didn’t deepen (as I feel he didn’t listen or actually respect me then, and it wasn’t just that time). I gave it some time and discovered more about him and his life style, and after 4.5 months called it quits.

    It was feeling more Friends with Benefits and I told him I wanted a relationship from the beginning, so this wasn’t working for me. Between his work and his son, I saw him every 2nd weekend…not enough to grow a relationship for me.

    Thanks Bobbi!

  136. I’ve been dating a nice guy for
    a month now. We have kissed and cuddled but that’s about it. We did talk about sex and our past experiences. I liked talking about it instead of rushing into
    Sex too soon like I have done before. I told him that I want to really get to know him before we go that far. So far he’s been waiting and when it does happen I hope it will be worth it. Great article Bobbi.

  137. Hi Bobbi:
    Great article! I think every woman reading this has had issues with this subject. I am working on “trusting myself” when and if that moment comes again (because it’s been awhile, girlfriends!!) because when the chemistry is there, look out, sisters – I find it’s really hard to resist that amazing male magnetism that is so much fun to feel in your body. I have been really bad with this issue because if I finally find a guy that I like, respect, have common interests and beliefs and see a possible future with (that is a miracle in itself) I try to be cool, get to know him slowly and look for red flags, and if the red flags aren’t there within 2 months or so, sooner or later I just can’t wait to open the present : -) I get in my stupid male energy. I am really working on this issue because, like I said, I need to learn how to pace the relationship, get to know him slowly and see who he is and be very discerning, and look carefully at what we can offer to each other to meet both of our needs and only have “1-3 hour day dates” for the first month or longer if I can swing it. I am a full fledged older adult now (61 years of age, divorced over ten years, and I have had 4 serious over 12 month sexual relationships since my divorce that did not lead to remarriage for various reasons) so you would think I would have learned something but that dang oxytocin – the strong hormone that gets our motor going and wickedly bonds us to the guys we sleep with – is still there percolating, and I need to keep it under wraps until “the right guy” gets in my web and we take our time and slowly start a real, adult, honest relationship that has respect, honor, kindness, communication and honesty and when we are ready we will have “the talk” about safe sex, STD testing, etc, and in our own time have our special moment and hopefully it will be amazing for both of us. One can hope!

  138. Thanks for the article. Dating after being married for over 20 years was a learning experience. After 3 years and your advice, I’m finally “dating like a grownup”.

  139. Thank YOU, Freida. I’m glad you’re here. And, yes, those rules are all old and meaningless. Glad you’re making your own grownup rules now. Bp

  140. This is great advice. I see so many guys who are so desperate for a connection that they do not try the “getting to know you” part of the relationship. It is really impossible to date these guys. They disqualify themselves with their desire to have sex so quickly.

    I made a mistake with my last guy by assuming he was a keeper.
    HOWEVER, both of us waited a long time before having sex and we did have a good relationship for a few years. He did not want to marry me in the end and I was extremely disappointed.
    You can’t win them all but definitely I do not have sex with any man until I am comfortable. Someone made up this “3 date” rule. What could you possibly know about a man from only knowing him for such a short time, particularly if he is a perfect stranger from the internet? It’s a ridiculous notion. And to me it is just scary and creepy.
    Love your advice Bobbi.
    Thanks for your very clear writing.

  141. If he cares about you he will wait – within reason. That’s what Good Grownup men do. I’ve seen it many times. However, not only are you making him wait you are missing a wonderful part of a relationship! I highly recommend you have an honest conversation with him. Share your fear. Tell him what you need to happen before you will safe. And look, if you don’t feel comfortable having this open, adult conversation with him then you two certainly should get into bed yet. Hugs. Bp

  142. Hi Bobbi,

    I just came across your blog because I was SEARCHING for advice, answers. I’m 49 with 3 kids over 16. Only one at home. I haven’t dated in 8 years! By choice. I’ve started seeing an old flame from my 20’s. He was always kind and I was selfish and took advantage of that. We’ve reconnected and I love getting to know him again and he seems to feel the same. He never married or had kids. We’ve had some heavy kissing but I disconnect when it gets too hot. I told him that I haven’t had sex in 8 years and am not ready. He says he understands and will respect that, but feels that knowing if sex is good is important. I agree. But I’m scared, mostly physically. Like, has that thing grown shut? Lol! But really, I’m mostly scared of physical pain. I know he will wait as long as I need, but I don’t want to take advantage of his kindness or feel like I’m leading him on. Even though he tells me not to feel that way. HELP!

  143. HI Renata. I’m sorry this happened but so glad you are finding your way out. Please stop wasting time feeling bad about yourself. We have all fallen into this “trap” before. That’s why I wrote the article. 🙂 We can get very silly when we feel that excitement. So my tip going forward: remember that you don’t know a man until you’ve spent a certain amount of time and experienced different things together. Until that time, stay in Discover Mode. Keep learning about him. Discover – Don’t Decide! Hugs to you. And again, stop kicking yourself. It’s wonderful that you can be excited about love. Now go give that to someone who earns it, ok? Bp

  144. Well, I should have known about you, your website and marvelous tools just a week ago!

    First, English is my second language, therefore, I will do my best to write in an understandable way that makes sense!

    I am 52 years old, currently divorcing after 16 years of marriage; and I thought I was convinced of not wanting to be dating for quite long… but unexpectedly a month ago I meet overseas a man near his 50’s during a business trip in common. The attraction were mutual since the first time, that attraction that gives you butterflies in the stomach, hahaha yes, like that! We exchanged numbers, and he is been in contact since then every single day. Even during his traveling time, which is often due to his job career and position.

    At the third week of texting, yes I said correctly, texting, we ended up flirting and exchanged some pictures… after I did that, I felt so bad. I felt terrible breaking my rules and values, I felt like a crazy and irresponsible teenager! At that moment I landed on earth and realized about my incorrect behavior. I was so worry about the image I sent to him, and afraid of ruining a nice opportunity with someone I felt so good with. Any way, full of second thoughts, I made my decision to let him know about how I felt, and I did it out of my heart… he answered that he have to process what I said and he acknowledged that my words came from my heart.. I haven’t hear from him for about five days…

    I feel horrible with me for acting like that, I lose my mind while immersed in all that magical time! Not hearing from him a word makes me feel more bad with myself!

    So, please don’t do it, don’t be like me, and no matter how hot he is, please hold off, like Bobbi says, until we know what we want, etc. etc.

    I wish I am wrong taking his silence as his response of backing off, but I am afraid that is the answer…. very sad because I really like him!

  145. Agree Eloise! Bp

  146. Bobbi, I agree that we shouldn’t just date a certain “type” to exclude other potential guys. However, if there is zero chemistry and the kissing is bad, then it’s not a good match. He is good as a friend but there has to be at least some sexual attraction on the woman’s part if sex is important to her, otherwise she’s giving up a very fun part of marriage- the sex! I dated a great man (great on paper) for 18 months. I finally had to end it because even though he was physically attractive, I did not feel attracted to him and did not like kissing, at all. Not even a little. I am now dating and going out with men who I feel that physical attraction for and there is a difference in how the physical connection feels. I would encourage this woman to let go of having a certain “type” of man but also know it’s okay to need sexual compatibility.

  147. Hi Tina. I understand what you’re saying and it sucks. Thanks for sharing this because I know there are a lot of women who share a story like yours. What I’d like to point out, though, is that you missed/overlooked early signs, right? I see this so often; women get totally surprised when they learn something nasty about their man but when guided, they see that there were many signs they excused or missed. I hope you can grab some learning from this and apply it to your next potential relationship. Maybe this can help: https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/why-you-keep-attracting-narcissists Glad you’re here. Hugs, Bp

  148. Hi Bobbi,
    I think you give great advice. I am hoping for some help with my situation!
    I am 41 yrs old woman in london . A guy I had dated 2 yrs ago contacted me. We had got on well at that time but lost touch as he went abroad. We started texting and he seemed very interested. we met up 4 weeks ago. As usual I enjoyed talking to him and we kissed, got a bit intimate and I felt it went really well. I texted him next day to say I had a good time ,He also said he loved it and should do it again. we had a good text convo and it all looked straightforward.
    We are both busy professionals but we texted on/off for a week. I felt I was initiating most texts but he would always respond well and within reasonable time. I then decided not to initiate texts so much and basically over the last 3 weeks I have had about 3-4 text chats with him and no contact in the last 10 days. I understand that his job has been very stressful recently and has been travelling abroad a lot but anyone can spare a min to text. He knows that I don’t do long text convo anyways.
    I feel I am getting mixed messages from him. we called each other twice but both missed the calls. In the last text convo we had 10 days ago he said that he hopes I understand him??
    I also suggested that we meet again and he said yes we can arrange it when he gets back from the US. Its been a week since he is back and no contact!!
    I am not sure if he is not interested and is too polite to tell me. I find that strange as I am not a stranger he is getting to know. Is he scared to commit so doesn’t want to see me anymore. Is he just playing games?
    How do I tell him that I am not looking for commitment? Because of our past history and how well we get on, I consider him my friend and trust him. I just want to have a good time, have a sexual relationship and see how it goes. How do I tell him this without sounding too keen!!

  150. This is a grey area. I am a very attractive woman and I have had men say they are committed just to get me into the sack and a few months later I found them messaging other women to go out with them. One guy actually used my computer while I was cooking him dinner….he had spent the weekend with me. We had been dating steadily or so I thought for 6 months.

    There are no guarantees with this. If he is a stand up guy then you may stand a chance. Some pretend to be good guys but, they really are not. You will find out as time goes on. When you want to go to the next level they lose interest. I found out in 6 months because I pushed the issue. I told him that I didn’t want him to waste my time if he was not serious about me so, I guess he decided to keep me on the hook while he looked for someone else. God had to be watching over me because I just happened to go on the meetup board and there it was in black and white..he had asked another woman that afternoon to go dancing with him. I then checked my computer and found that he was on a dating site while spending the weekend with me. He was using me all along. He turned out to be a creep with a hidden agenda. So, you don’t really know these days. There were some signs and I should have listened to them but, I only invested 6 months and I got back into ballroom dancing with him so..I got something out of it too.

  151. Hi, Bobbi–I recently met a man online who is amazing–has integrity, intelligence, sense of humor, plans dates in advance, thoughtful, considerate, wants to meet my friends & family, etc. He wants to be exclusive and was open about his intentions for a longterm relationship and possibly marriage.
    Problem–he’s not my “type”. I’m tall and like big, burly men (which hasn’t worked out) and he is exactly my height. Bigger problem–zero chemistry and bad kisser. He is not pushing me for sex although he wants to but if I feel nothing with a kiss I can’t imagine having sex.
    Last man I dated was a big, burly man and we had great chemistry but I was more invested than he was and he eventually ghosted me after dating for 6 months. This new guy is the polar opposite of him!
    What to do???
    Cindy

  152. Thank you for sharing your story, Trish. Huge kudos for all the work you have done on understanding yourself and moving through your early “stuff.” That’s a lot, and I admire you. Sounds like you’re on your way to letting go of what’s holding you back. Keep it up. Glad you’re here!! Bp

  153. Sage advice all across the board, Bobbi. Haven’t dated in decades but when I did, I
    either felt that strong chemistry right away and went for it, later to regret every time,
    or if I insisted on waiting, the men left and most never called again. Now…it’s taken
    me this long to understand that my underpinnings with childhood trauma and incest
    kept me avoiding real intimacy with anyone who was capable of commitment, least
    of all me. Yet, I still have hope. I’ve worked through all those limiting beliefs and I’m on
    my way. Yes, I’m older now, never married, but I know how to have that meaningful
    conversation with a guy that I never did. Online dating not for me. It’s also taken me
    this long to realize that my feelings for my soulmate of 55 years (married and doesn’t
    live here) are keeping men away. (Like months go by and we don’t talk!) Never thought
    that was a barrier for me, but apparently it was a barrier to magnetic attraction for other men.
    Anyway, soul mate not expected to live long. I have tears, but the future is all good for
    both of us.

  154. Hi Mel! I know the feeling. It happened, and can make you feel insecure about where thing’s are going. My advice, stop worring and continue to live your life. He will bring it up when he feels ready. And than you’ll know how he truly feels about you without any kind of pressure from you. Let him initiate dates, calls and plans. As long as he’s doing that; rest asure he is interested. Keep being a warm, fun and loving woman and keep him coming back for more. And why wouldn’t he when being around you makes him feel good and like a man who have to pursue you cause you have such a interesting busy life with or without him. And if he is not stepping up, enjoy him for what he can give and keep dating other men.

  155. I like getting different perspectives but with all due respect, I have to disagree with you. Chemistry mentally AND physically are important in short-term and long-term relationships. It can’t be forced. And it is really rare. Thank you for all the great blogs.

  156. You are so welcome, Anna. And thank you for taking time to let me know that my work helps you. Love to hear it! Bp

  157. Hi Virginia. I agree that there is something he’s hiding. He may have all that going for him but something is off. I agree with your decision. I assume that you had a direct conversation with him about your concern and he still held out? I’d remain friends unless he wants to explain what the big secret is. It’s the smart thing to do. Keep looking…there are lots of good men out there! Bp

  158. You are SO welcome Kim! I appreciate you taking time to let me know that my work helps you. Congratulations for approaching dating in such a conscious grownup way. Big hugs, Bp

  159. Absolutely worth the journey, Heather! I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself, and that you’re here with me. Thanks for leaving your comment. Bp

  160. I’m so sorry about your loss, Jan. But happy that you’re here! No one ever taught us how to do this dating thing at this time in our life, right? For now you can read articles about online dating here: https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/?s=online+dating
    Stay with me and keep learning. With love and support, Bp

  161. Hi Tamara, Your 18-year-old is the one looking for chemistry, my friend. That’s not how you choose a mate – it’s how you choose a date. I have some reading for you. I want to help you understand how looking for chemistry and fireworks really messes up a grown woman’s chance for love. Happy reading. I hope this helps you. I’m glad you’re here!
    https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/four-reasons-why-you-may-be-chronically-single/
    https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/your-ideal-man-isnt-who-you-think/

  162. Thank you for sharing your wonderful story, Eileen. Enjoy!! Bp

  163. It’s still right to bring it up, Mel. Be honest with yourself, and then him. Do you want to keep sleeping with him not knowing how he feels about you and what his longterm relationship goals are? Decide what you want and need, and if you feel it’s important to clarify this (and I hope you do!)..just get it out. Tell him you that you read this article and realized that it was important to you to have this conversation with him. Tell him how much you care about him/like him and even that you like having sex with him. Share what you feel you need in order to feel safe continuing to have sex and ask for his thoughts. It can be scary, but it can also be the best thing for your relationship. If you two can have a good discussion about this, it says a lot of positive things about your relationship. This is what makes relationships better – not worse.
    One more thing: wouldn’t you want to know now if he does not share your ultimate relationship goals? I know that would hurt, but better now than after you got even more attached. You can do it! Hugs, Bp

  164. Right-on. That’s all I need to say. Thanks, Jill. Glad you’re here. Bp

  166. Thanks Dr. Liz! Love what you said: Experiencing lasting love is at least as good as the best sex, or maybe it’s even better. I say wayyyy better. Love to you! Bp

  167. First, yay for great sex! And hey, just because you’ve ‘done the deed’ before having the convo doesn’t mean it can’t work. However, now that you’ve read this I encourage you to think about what you really want. It sounds like he is only seeing you, but if you feel you need to have a deeper conversation in order to feel safe sleeping with him, do it. Let him know you dig him and think he’s hot, but that since you’re having sex you want to be sure he is monogamous and that he, like you, is focusing on seeing whether your relationship can turn into something long term. Enjoy…but remember to do what will make you happy forever; not just for a night. Hugs, Bp

  168. Bobbi, you are simply the best at this. Having gone through this process, it is not always comfortable to be “grown up”! What helped me the most was remembering how you say “Keep your eye on the prize of lasting love.” Experiencing lasting love is at least as good as the best sex, or maybe it’s even better.

  169. I love that you passed this on, Rosa! Wonderful. Bp

  170. Thank you I really enjoyed your article. Where can I find that man to have that long-lasting Relationship. LOL. I’m recently divorced and have not been dating much. You’re article gave me lots to consider. Thank you.

  171. I think your advise was excellent. We want everything yesterday because of the world we live in. Having and amazing sexual intimate relationship takes time. Why we have to get to the finish line so quickly is so wrong. Enjoy the journey and look around because it will come. So many of us have the limiting beliefs that there are so few good men out there. We have to grab the first one that comes around. The more you believe in your worth, the more men will too. It takes time to get that confidence. Treat men with kindness and respect and they will make the effort.. I treat those the way I want to be treated.

  172. Great and important information! If you wait then you will know that they really care about you!

  173. Hi Bobby,

    I really do want the R in Relationship. I failed and I think I hopped in the sack too early. Now that I have had intimacy,, which is really nice by the way, it is really hard to have a grown up conversation with him. I just don’t know how to open the conversation. We have been dating for several weeks. I do like him a lot I just don’t know where to go from here. Should I stop and try again. He’s a really good guy. He’s doing everything rights and it seems he does try to do things that will please me. We have not had the conversation about each other’s feelings, expectations, and promises. Is this something I should bring up or if he has not done so already maybe he’s not wondering about it at all?
    Thank you,
    Mel

  174. WOW Bobbi! Great ideas. I’m going to share them with my daughter too. Great girl to girl advice.

  175. Thank you so much! i did just the opposite in my last relationship (my first real relationship after my husband died). It was a roller-coaster of lack of trust, from the beginning. This time i am going slow, not even sitting beside him on the couch setting clear boundaries, taking the time to get to know all about the person. I have no number of dates in mind for this. It could be 2 months, or 3 months. It could never happen as i may realize my current potential boyfriend is not the right material. I loved your article! I wholeheartedly agree and am so happy i am going this route, now. God bless us All. it’s not easy, but worth the journey of self-care.

  176. Excellent advice! If a man tries to convince you that “at our age, why wait,” then he is obviously not looking for a relationship! He is a player and just wants a hookup! If he is willing to wait until you are comfortable and in a committed exclusive relationship, then he is a good man!

  177. You are right on the target. When friends have talked to me about this, I’ve said, If he really cares about you he will wait (my husband of nearly 45 years did) and that was 50 years ago but the same still applies. When I was widowed and began to date two years later, I talked with some of my high school girlfriends (my hs classmates meet about every 3 months for dinner and conversation) because I had met a man at country-western dancing whom I liked (after meeting quite a few men-boys) but he was 13 years older. I told them I felt like a queen/very special when I was with him, loved his positive outlook, intelligence, kindness, sincere, funny sense of humor, etc. I also noticed how his family and friends responded to him which told me he was well loved and respected. Many told me he was a gentlemen’s gentlemen. He had the qualities that had drawn me to my hubby. Still, I was unsure about the age gap. My friends and coworkers said, at our ages age doesn’t matter-glad they gave me food for thought as he & I have been together in a committed relationship for nearly 4 years now. He said, he makes no demands other than a smile from me. I now need to get ready so we can go dancing.

  178. This is crystal clear and I’m glad I hold off – I don’t count the number of dates or wonder if I did the right thing. I like casual sex as well but I make sure that I am okay with not seeing this guy again but I don’t really miss this. Thank you!

  179. How rare is it to have a strong connection with someone? Like real chemistry, feel like soulmates and have known each other for a long time. I am 46, divorced and luckily have been on a lot of dates but have only felt a true connection once. Sometimes it can be one date or several dates but for me there’s only been one since my divorce two years ago. Am I being too picky or is it chemistry that rare? I feel when there’s chemistry, things can move faster and the intimacy reiterates the fireworks. Thanks.

  180. I just started the internet dating experience and just want to say, you have been a tremendous help with your coaching. I was married all my life until my husband died 2 years ago. This may explain I have not a clue of what to do. Thank you so much and I look forward to more of you….Jan

  181. I needed that! I’m not dating yet, but am preparing, educating, arming myself for the time. I was conflicted about this topic – my spiritual beliefs are different now, lots of hard-knock life under my belt, raised a son and almost at the end of having influence on my daughter – thought I had made my decision but have been recently questioning my plan. Love your non judgemental, ‘take good care of yourself’ answers. Perfect. No matter our belief system, age, or other differences, your answers are true for all – well, all aiming for a commited, long term life partner. Thank you!

  182. Hi and thank you for the words of wisdom! My last “short term” relationship certainly had me confused, so i will share. Met the man on a dating site and we dated for 7 months, we did engage in intimacy around the 3 month time, and it was good. We saw each other 3-4 times a week, he was very respectful and kind, BUT he never invited me to “his place”, nor did I meet any of his ( what i now call) imaginary friends. This was a red flag for me. When I had the conversation with him, he used the excuse ” my place is not as organized and clean as your’s”, he would not budge. Oh, let me also say, I never even knew his address. So, I broke it off. He has since contacted me and we have had lunch a couple of times just as friends. Did I handle this correctly? He is quite gorgeous, tall and well kept, never been married, no kids and 68. I am quite gorgeous, fit/fun and 66.

  183. Ok I’ve already met someone and we have had sex, great sex! I know I want a relationship with him but we’ve only been seeing each other for almost two months. I asked him what we were and get said he was just getting out know me and that he’s not seeing anyone else. I’m just not sure though. Is it too late for something serious since we’ve already had sex?

  184. What a great advice and exactly at the right time…I am dating a very nice man for about 8 weeks now and I am wondering when we should have sex…also I wonder if I should take the initiative…But now I understand that we should first have a good conversation about this subject before we take any action…

    Thanks a lot….

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