I am asked all the time: When’s the right time to be exclusive with him? How many dates before you say “yes” you want to focus on getting to know one another? When is it too soon? What are the red flags?
If you’ve been dating online even a little bit, odds are you’ve been dating several people (maybe even at the same time) trying to figure out if there’s someone you want to really get to know better. And sooner or later you’ll want to just dive in further with one guy.
But you and your suitor may not have the same ideas about when this should happen.
So today I’m sharing a couple of real-life questions from readers that will help answer this very thing, help you gauge your own exclusivity timing, and get a read on his:
Sometimes it’s a guy who wants to snag you and control you. Or who is impulsive and not thoughtful in his actions. *RUN*
Sometimes it’s just a nice guy who really digs you. (My husband did this and he’s a super nice guy.) Showing a lot of attention and talking about exclusivity is often the sign of a Good Grownup man honestly and confidently letting you know he’s interested in getting to know you. *DON’T RUN!*
Q: I went on a second date with a man and he told me that he only dates one woman at a time. Is the second date the right time to be exclusive? Isn’t it too soon? What would you say to this?
A: GREAT question!!
Here’s my take: I don’t know why he said that.
Maybe it does come from insecurity, desire for control or being an inept dater. Or, maybe when he meets someone he likes he prefers to focus on learning more about her. Or, he lives a pretty full life and doesn’t want to the complications and time requirements of dating multiple women. (I know many women who feel this way.)
What to do when this happens? You have choices.
1. You can guess his intentions and make assumptions.
2. You can wait until the next date and learn more about him, which will help you better understand his situation.
3. You can tell him that you’re curious why he chooses to do that because it will help you get to know him better. (Which is why you’re meeting him, right?)
You know that I encourage these two things in dating like a grownup:
1. Look for what you like about a man and give him a chance to show you who he is (or isn’t).
2. Have grownup conversation when you are unclear or uncomfortable with someone you otherwise like.
Here’s something really important: he didn’t ask you to be exclusive. If he did, *that* would be a different story. Something is not right with that.
But he didn’t.
So you can either not respond and keep learning more about him or tell him you’d be interested in understanding why he chooses to do that so early on and have a conversation about it.
One last thing: The day after our first date, my husband, Larry, told me that he took his profile down because he “wanted to focus on getting to know me.” I just nodded my head. I thought ‘wow I think he likes me’ and left it there.
That was all he said. He didn’t place any expectations on me.
Very soon after – like maybe 10 days – I took down my profile for the very last time. (We went unusually fast.)
Just sayin’
Q: I met a man yesterday for coffee and the conversation was easy. He touched my hand as we spoke a few times. Later that evening he texted me his bowling score. When he was finished with team bowling he called to say goodnight. We made plans for Sunday. This morning he called on his way to work. Is this a red flag? Too much too soon? Or is this nice and breathe deep? When’s the right time to be exclusive with him? I have serious trust issues so any insight would be helpful. Thanks!
I’ll answer, but first, some great advice from my magnificent grownup daters as we were discussing this online:
If it doesn’t go well, you’ve tried and learned. If it’s enjoyable, march forward. Good luck!
My A: All good advice from these ladies! And yes, trust issues always are about fear. Sometimes it is hard to distinguish what one is feeling in one’s body but practice makes perfect!
What I want to help you understand is that when a man comes on strong, it could for a bunch of different reasons.
Sometimes it’s a guy who wants to snag you and control you. Or who is impulsive and not thoughtful in his actions. *RUN*
Sometimes it’s just a nice guy who really digs you. (My husband did this and he’s a super nice guy.) Showing a lot of attention and talking about exclusivity is often the sign of a Good Grownup man honestly and confidently letting you know he’s interested in getting to know you. *DON’T RUN!*
(That seems weird…uncomfortable…makes us feel unsteady, right? We’re so used to having to guess every step of the way. Strange that we have to get used to mature nice guys, but it’s true.)
If you feel pressured to make a decision then it’s YOU doing it to yourself. What I mean by that is regardless of what he wants, the decision is 100% yours to make.
Take all the time you need.
Discover Don’t Decide.
Have grownup conversations with him.
Remember that being exclusive isn’t getting married. It is committing to focus on getting to know one another more intimately so you can decide if that forever thing could be in your future.
……….
So, I can’t tell you exactly the right time to be exclusive. And I can’t tell you exactly how much is too much attention from a man. In my book, anyone who attempts to quantify this for you is just making things up.
What I CAN tell you is that it’s important to learn some new skills. Learn how to have grownup conversations with the men you meet. Learn to trust yourself and make decisions that are good for you. Learn to lead with love, not fear.
If you haven’t been able to do any of these yet, stick around with me. I’ll help you get there. It’s my mission and my honor!
I want to know what you look for before you feel good going exclusive…leave me a comment below!
Agirl says:
I need your advice asap. I met a guy online. We had similar interests about movies and books. We had normal conversations sometimes. I liked to date him because he seemed to be a nice guy and did not ask for sexual photos like the others. He then sent his picture. That was okay. I sent mine. And then, days after, he suddenly told me he is turned on. Why the hell should he say that. Then he told me some sexual things. I told him I am not your gf. Then he asked me if wanted to be. IDK what to say. I liked him before, and besides, he is cute. He said he is ok with a nsr either. What should I do?
Jita says:
I have 3 dating with same man. He actually behaved good kind but the problem he told me he like to have it with partner and ask me to have by explain it’s normal to have date with someone and do it. Myself told me he doesn’t have true love but I still want to discover and learn more from. What should I do in this situation.
Joyce Mae A. Amadar says:
how would you know that it’s time for me to say yes to a guy?
my question fo hehez:)
Lexie says:
Before my current boyfriend and I started dating, I said “I wasn’t sure and I needed time still” when he asked me to be his girlfriend a month ago (I said yes recently). I said this because I didn’t expect him to ask me then and there late at night but I knew he had been wanting to for so long and that moment felt right for him. I was caught off guard a bit and knew how much I liked him but I wanted to make sure I was 100% ready since my last relationship (2 years ago) was very bad. Those feelings started to pool all on me in that moment because I was scared of getting hurt again in a what I thought had been a “serious relationship” 2 years ago. I took some time and there wasn’t anyone else I just wanted to do something for myself once and not say yes because HE wanted me to. I talked to him about it the best I could and he stayed by my side until I did say yes a month later. I feel much better about being in a relationship then I did a month ago if that makes sense. I just don’t want him ever thinking that there was someone else. I feel a bit selfish that I said no at first. What do you think?
Bobbi Palmer says:
I agree with your family. This man is emotionally immature, to say the least. Why would you give him your time? Don’t feel sorry for him. He is an adult and responsible for his own feelings and reactions. You are the same. You had a terrible experience in the past and I’d hate to see you have another because you choose a man who is incapable of making you happy. This man clearly can not. Best, Bp
Lucy Smith says:
I am 50 yrs old, was in a 29yr relationship (married 24yrs), my husband left in 2017, divorced in 2020, a difficult and painful divorce. 3 grown up sons. My ex husband moved in with my ‘friend’ next door. It was a really awful time and my heart was completely broken. I closed my business, left our joint business, found a job, sold our family home and bought a small house of my own. I’ve worked hard to move on but its been a tough road to follow. I found out yesterday that my Ex and that woman are getting married, this was hard to hear, even though I wouldn’t want him back in a million years.
I have been seeing a man I met online for the last 3 weeks, things moved very quickly indeed. He is totally besotted and saying he loves me….already! But yesterday when I messaged him with the news about the ex getting married and that I had found it upsetting, but that I do not have feelings for him at all, I made that clear. He freaked out and ended our 3 week intense relationship. I was totally flummoxed. I was beginning to really like him,but I had a few minor concerns, but I thought I’d give it a go. But this behaviour really shocked me. Then he was messaging that I’d really hurt him, then he said he’d talk to he today. Thus morning he said he really adired me and not to throw away our future!!?? I saw him today and he apologised and was quite emotional and explained his reaction….all to do with a previous break up.
I’m so confused? It’s such early days, I think I got in too deeply too soon maybe? But I dont understand his behaviour, he’s saying he loves me, then he breaks it off, then a few hours later he’s saying we must not throw it away. And today hes declaring love again. One of my brothers and sons say I should get out of this relationship. I felt sorry for him, he almost cried when I said we could try again (against my better judgment!), please help!
Bobbi Palmer says:
3 weeks isn’t long at all…usually. This article will answer your Question. https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/when-is-it-safe-to-be-hopeful-that-he-is-the-one-2/
Best. Bp
mary Lee Martorelli says:
I am a 57 year old divorced( 20 year marriage) woman who has recently met a man I like. I am having trouble trusting/believing. My Husband cheated. Left with another woman. I’ve devoted myself to my 3 children. That was enough for me for a long time. The man I’m dating says he wants a long term relationship and is not pushing me ‘into bed’. Still I’m very skeptical. I enjoy being with him. He sort of ‘checks all the boxes’. Is it normal that after 3 weeks I still feel unsure of his sincerity?
Michael says:
I am a 57yo divorced man, 25 years married… trying to figure things out. Making so many mistakes, not having ANY dating skills… I read “Q: I went on a second date with a man and he told me that he only dates one woman at a time.” I thought wow that’s me!, I thought that was a good thing to say, as I want to explore, not play. I guess I need to not say that. but ladies it comes from a good place. So don’t think run, right a way, might just be a regular guy like me trying.. Good advice on this site thank you!
Bobbi Palmer says:
Here you go! https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/when-to-have-sex-dating-after-40/ Bp
Sakura2 says:
Just out of curiosity Bobbi, I am in a similar situation of you and your husband, where he knew he met you, the special person he met who may be that one special person. We are both older in 60’s and he told me straight off the bat from telephone conversations because he was working out of town that he does not play games and he wants a relationship which is my desire too.
We spoke on the phone for a week and a half before meeting in person. It has now been one week since we met in person and we have had 4 dates.
My question is ….. how do I know when is the time to become physically intimate? We have both discovered we get along and enjoy being together. He is a healthy man and does not pressure me. What is your opinion?
Bobbi Palmer says:
Nancy, do you want to be with a man who doesn’t know how he feels about you? Do you want to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t have good conflict resolution skills and will disappear at the next fall-out? I think you know what to do here, even though it’s not easy.
nancy says:
I was with a man. We both fell hard and fast. At our first argument he disappeared. Then we got back together. His feelings are confused. He’s a mess now. He’s emailing wanting to get to know my mind to see if we’re compatible or not to get back into a relationship now. This is so frustrating. I love this man and he said he’s scared and is now confused about his feelings for me. Should I keep emailing like he wants to get to know me? He asked me what a relationship means to me, if I’m happy alone, and why I choose him vs. any other man out there who is better off than him and happier than him. He wants a LTR but seems to flee at any sign of conflict and his feelings gets confused. What’s going on? Help me. I love him so much but I want a man who WANTS me.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Woohoo! You found a grownup guy. Yep! Aren’t they fantastic? Bp
Janice says:
Don’t decide, discover is soooo important. I have always felt I had to give a yes or no answer when asked. What a delightful surprise when a date reacted positively to a suggestion of some discovery time before hitting the sheets.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Glad you’re here Dee! Thanks for your note. Bp
Dee says:
I just discovered this site. I am enjoying this so much because I jumped into a relationship exclusively too soon. I look back and realized I felt rushed, but was vulnerable after a long marriage ending in divorce. If given an opportunity again(and I believe I will) I would do as you say, Discover, not decide. Listen and ask more questions. Look at what he is DOING not just saying. And not seem desperate, and see if he seems desperate. 20/20 is perfect hindsight vision.
Bobbi Palmer says:
My advice: tell him how his words made you feel! You will learn a lot from his response. Regardless of his response, girlfriend, remember that you are imperfect AND You Are Beautiful. Oh, and if he really has a problem with a little pooch then f*%# him. Most men would care at all. That. Is. Truth. Hugs, Bp
Pia Thomas says:
I am a late 60s female and have been dating this great guy for about three months!! One night we started to undress and he told me I “needed to lose that little pooch belly!” Everything stopped, I was horrified and now self conscious to ever be naked with him !!
Advice please !!
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hell yes you dodged a bullet, Gail!! This guy is a possessive, selfish jerk. Check this out: After our first real date my (now) husband told me that he was taking down his profile so he could focus on getting to know me. I said something like “Oh, that’s nice.” That was the end of the discussion. A lot of men (especially our fabulous grownup ones) seem to know very quickly when they’ve met someone who could be special. The key though, is whether they are trying to force you to do the same. No man should do that. He pressured you right from the beginning. Gave you ultimatums. Told you how you should behave around his children. RUN, Gail, RUN! I would cut off all contact. Move on, sister. There are so many nice men out there. Hugs, Bp
Suzy S. says:
I think it’s really great that you point out the difference between him saying that he only wants to date you and his expecting you to only date him from the beginning.
I started a relationship with a man who told me that he wanted us to focus on each other exclusively from the second date. He told me that he felt it was hard to get to know more than one person at a time what with time restraints and it actually made sense to me – I appreciate someone with a full time demanding job, kids, etc. might not have loads of extra time to spend meeting tons of people. So…..if I agreed with him in theory, why did I feel rushed and a bit uneasy?
Well, you hit the nail on the head – it wasn’t that he wanted to just focus on me, it was that he wanted me to just focus on him! Big difference!
Anyway, I ignored my gut uneasiness and went ahead and, yes, while he was a truly wonderful man in many ways, he also turned out to be VERY jealous and possessive. In fact, eight months later, that is what broke us up which was heart-wrenching because we were good together in so many ways. But, unfortunately, he wasn’t willing to listen to me or deal with the effect his jealousy had on me and, knowing myself, I knew that I couldn’t be happy long-term with all the unnecessary drama and volatility that being with a very jealous, possessive man would entail….I’m in my fifties for pete’s sake! I don’t have the energy to deal with that! :/
Anyway, just wanted to thank you for this article which – as I said – hits the nail on the head as well as for everything else you do!
Best, Suzy
Gail says:
Excellent discussion on this topic. Thanks. Im writing from Sunny South Africa.
I dated a fellow a while ago. On the 3rd date he declared his love. On the fourth – sixth he insisted on exclusivity with the threat of walking away. I just smiled sweetly and said I really enjoy spending time with him but want to take things slowly. The insistence became caustic and unpleasant and I started to reduce contact because of that. I explained my reduced contact by saying that possessiveness and suspicion so early on is a turn-off for me. He was keen to ‘seal the deal’ physically and showed much disappointment when I reiterated my need to go slowly. There were comments about being a ‘un-affectionate person’ when he brought his kids around for dinner and I didn’t allow a lot of kissing, etc in front of them (age 11&14) We are now texting occasionally only. Any thoughts on this? Did I dodge a bullet? Would love some input.