When you’re dating someone and start noticing things going wrong, do you quickly go to asking yourself “should I break up with him?”
You know that Principle #1 of Dating Like a Grownup is to “Balance Your Head and Heart.” I think it is really smart to begin with your head when trying to answer this question.
I see so many potential relationships go bad for so many trivial reasons. Read on to get some guidance that will help you avoid dumping a good man who could end up being your wonderful life partner.
You see…after you’ve been together for a little while, blended your lives a bit, and enjoyed some future-talk. John Gray, author of the Mars vs. Venus books, characterizes the second stage of dating this way:
“The second stage of dating is when we experience doubts about the person we see as a potential partner. When our fears of rejection begin to surface, they often manifest themselves in a tendency to focus on the inadequacies of a potential partner, and we then lose our sense of attraction.”
I tend to speak in simpler terms. Here’s my translation:
“When you start realizing you have deep feelings and hopes for the person you’re dating, your fear of being hurt can trigger your need to run. So you start looking for what’s wrong with him. Since no one is perfect, you will always find something. Yippee! There’s an excuse to end it and avoid getting hurt!”
Regardless of how you say it, the key point is that our fears make us do things that are completely contrary to realizing our dreams. And when it comes to love, it’s not just women who do this; men do it too.
I’m talking about this today because my friend Pamela is going through this with her beau. They’ve been very happily dating for a couple of months; spending full weekends together, going on short trips, and planning future travels.
Pamela and her man have had talks that lasted hours, found many important and unique areas of compatibility, and have developed a lovely intimacy. She thought she was falling in love with him.
But this weekend the Pamela and Ricardo story seemed to go a bit awry.
The way she tells it, Ricardo seemed bugged by just about everything she did; and she was none too happy with his pettiness and pigheadedness.
He started picking on insignificant things, like how the newspaper was stacked and who had ownership of the remote control. His picking on these things made her start wondering if maybe he wasn’t the one for her after all. Should she break up with him?
Pamela started to notice a lot about Ricardo that bugged her. She then followed his lead and made mention of those things she’d hadn’t been paying much attention to in the past: the disgusting moldy cheese in his refrigerator and his propensity to tell his stories with too much detail.
The weekend ended with him saying, “Well, I guess I’ll call you during the week…that is, if you want me to,” and her leaving without responding.
Yikes. Their weekends usually end with a nice kiss and detailed plans for the following weekend.
Ouch! Pamela was ready to call the whole thing off.
Here’s my take (and I think Mr. Gray would agree):
Ricardo was realizing they were building what may be a meaningful and committed relationship, which made him feel certain uncomfortable feelings: uncertainty, confusion, and maybe fear.
Pamela, going into the weekend feeling like he could be The One, felt hurt and scared when he criticized her and, feeling incredibly vulnerable to rejection, started looking for his flaws. Of course, she found some.
She then used what she found to protect herself with a counter-strike. She started second-guessing and doubting their potential future and went straight to wondering if it was best to break up with him right then.
Pamela and Ricardo were feeling all kinds of icky-ness at the chance of letting someone into their heart, and eventually finding it was a wrong decision. Add to that, these two highly educated, highly competent, independent 60-ish-year-olds have some major fear of letting someone into their physical space. Each had successfully lived alone for many years.
Put that all together and you get two people scared of being rejected, who are now in the phase of focusing on the inadequacies of their potential partner.
Their feelings are confusing. They want love and companionship badly. But they also want to be right, to maintain their autonomy, and to avoid the pain they’ve experienced in the past. (I find that these feelings are especially true when you’re in this stage of mature dating.)
There are a lot of risks and unknowns in any human relationship. This ‘living the gray’ can be scary.
For Patricia and Ricardo there is a real possibility that one or both of them were (perhaps unconsciously) trying to sabotage the relationship in order to remain “safe.”
A lot of difficult feelings can come up as a relationship develops. The difficulties and the discomfort of those feelings can lead us to look for a way out. Finding someone’s flaws is pretty easy…especially when you’re looking for them; consciously or not. (I’m sure Larry has found one or two of mine by now. Or 100. And yet he sticks around!)
Here is how I counseled Pamela, and how you might proceed in this type of situation.
And hell yes, if you find a deal-breaker and good communication doesn’t resolve it, then get to ending the relationship in a kind and honest way. (You know, like a grownup.)
You can follow my 3 steps OR you can recognize his flaws and skip the step of conscious, adult review. Then you’re free! And still single, perhaps ruminating over whether you made the right decision.
Obviously, my advice is to give the situation a thoughtful review. And in this consciousness, not only will it help you make good decisions for yourself, it will help you recognize when your partner is in this place. Then you will be able to lovingly and gently help him through his review.
Think about it: knowing how hard you had to work to find a man who could be so special in your life, are you willing to walk away because you might have to listen to an extra several minutes as he tells a story or throw out his cheese yourself?
And are you walking away without giving him the chance to change what he’s doing to bug you?
Don’t give in to the nagging “Should I break up with him” voice. This could very likely be your fear, plain and simple. This isn’t protecting you, girlfriend! It van very well be obliterating real chances for the love you’ve been looking for. Fight it!
Love is just around the corner if you just let it in.
What do you think? Does this sound like anything you’ve ever done? What’s your story?
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hell no!
Bojana says:
My fiancee is cheating on me but I can not prove it. Should I marry him? Help
Bobbi Palmer says:
You really don’t know him after a few days, girlfriend. He Sounds like a quite impetuous man who is hot and cold. He doesn’t love you if he needs a break. And he hardly knows you. That can be exhausting and it won’t last. Yes, you should move on. You’re likely falling for a fantasy, not the real guy. Bp
Leslie says:
Met a month ago and all has been really going well, and a whirlwind of activity. I spent every day off with him (2.5 days a week). He started calling me wife, hinted at marriage, we are hot in love. Planned moving to an apartment at some point—hes a truck driver and gone a lot and looking for a place.
I guess maybe we moved too fast because he told me he needed a break of a week ( huh?) And there’s been no contact the last at 6 days. He said he loves me. I love him.
Shelly says:
OMG! I really needed this right now. I am 53 and widowed 11 years. I have a long history of short relationships and a lot of dating the past 9 years. Currently, I have been in a relationship for 4 months. We had actually dated several weeks, a few months prior, but went in different directions with different people. He invited me to dinner during the holidays and we have been in an exclusive relationship since then. We spend every weekend together, the time flies and we have fun. We have also taken 2 trips and met some of each other’s family and friends. The past month I start to think about bailing out of the relationship some time between Tuesday and Friday on a weekly basis. The anxiety starts mid week and builds as the weekend approaches.
Earlier in the relationship he would invite me over for dinner once during the week and we talked daily in between.
There seems to be a shift the past few weeks. Week night invitations to come over for dinner have dwindled. We also skip talking some days all together. I work 2 long shifts per week and always call him on my way home from work. He calls me on my days off. The past few weeks there are days we haven’t talked at all…because I am not going to the one putting in all of the effort and he doesn’t call. The only other issue I have with him is…he doesn’t like dogs.
We have not really discussed feelings, except once 2 months ago. He was acting chilly. He is a snuggler and kept moving away from me in bed. I got out of bed at 1AM, gathered my belongings, and left. I was already upset with the Valentines card he gave me the week before( it basically said I was lucky to have him). WTF?
He called me the next morning , we talked. I told him the card upset me. He told me he didn’t like my Friday and Saturday nights always included several glasses of wine.
He said I mentioned falling in love takes time, and he was afraid to get me a card that talked about feelings. He also admitted to whispering ‘I love you’ to me once while I was sleeping. I owned that I starting drinking more during the pandemic and agreed to cut back on my weekend wine consumption. I clarified want to find love, but it takes time for that to develop for me. We seemed to have worked through our first disagreement well.
We haven’t made any plans this weekend, typically we have party invites, entertain, etc. but nothing going on this weekend. We only talked on twice early in the week. I think we are to the point we both assume I will be there this weekend. His kids are out of the house. My daughter graduated college and works full time, but is still at home saving money to buy her own place. So I always go to his place.
I am sitting here Friday morning debating if I am going to initiate a conversation this weekend, and what that conversation will be. Part of me wants to tell him I am falling in love with him, and another part of me wants to break up with him… ugh!
Vernie says:
BP Maybe you should have read the last part of Jackie’s response, “awful rage episodes where he screams at me and says horrible insulting things while raging away” before telling her she’s got a problem with jealousy. She’s got a problem all right and it’s a man with anger issues. Run Jackie and don’t look back.
Nathalie says:
Yes so relatable! We start to doubt and want to run out of fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, what if… is this what I want/need…
I’ve come to a place I try to remain objective and take the risk of embracing uncertainty of life and not focussing on ‘the flaws’ or get the ‘grass is greener elsewhere’ syndroom.
What can we do when the man is the one having doubts, he is the one distancing himself, looking elsewhere… mainly out of fear?
This has happened to me in the past: the guy getting doubts and breaking it of, while it may have been so good if he just embraced the uncertainty.
Bobbi Palmer says:
To be honest I only read the first few sentences of your comment. 20 hours is nit ghosting, girlfriend. I think you better check yourself and your rules and really think about whether a confident secure woman would be angry if a man went 20 hours having fun with people other than her. You’re jealous. And maybe you dont trust him. IMO that’s on you. Bp
Jackie says:
Hey Bobbi! So my bf and I have been dating for 2 years. This past Sunday he went out to a super bowl party and the last time I heard from him was at 11 pm Sunday. Then he finally texted me on Monday at 7 pm. So basically 20 hours later. And when he texted it was him just saying hi honey and not acknowledging the time lapse. He knows he really messed up and instead of saying sorry he has been sending me all kinds of messages saying it’s my fault because I should have texted him. He KNOWS my rule about him going out and how I appreciate him texting me when he gets home. The last time something like this happened it was 6 months ago but he didn’t ghost me for 20 hours. He just ended up sleeping at a friends house. Anyway I am shocked because I gave him a May 1 deadline to propose (since I just could not take it anymore and felt he needed that push) and he said that was fine that he was going to get the ring and all etc etc but I realize if he wanted to propose he would have never messed up as he did this past Sunday. There is no way he partied for 20 hours and no way how I didn’t cross his mind. The fact that he hasn’t apologized because he has no face to is another hurtful act too. I just don’t think I can trust him after this because it was so out of character he’s always so good with texting me so I can only suspect he’s hiding something and since he can’t tell me he’s playing the switcharoo game and making me feel like what was I up to for 20 hours that I couldn’t text him instead. Aside from all this texting shenanigan he has awful rage episodes where he screams at me and says horrible insulting things while raging away. He has a kid of 9 years old and is divorced and I have none of that. He’s 37 and I’m 31 (just to give you a background). Anyway I cut him off everything because I had enough. What do you think about all this?
MALINDA MATTHEWS says:
Wow….I understand!
Val says:
This is good information; I realize that I’m in this stage of sabotage and fault finding. I am questioning “is he the one for one?” and am only looking at his faults – picking apart all the reason it won’t work.
Thanks for this clarification, Bobbie. Sometimes we do things because of fear, without understanding what is really behind our feelings.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Dan. Really good question and I 100% agree: seeing how someone responds to conflict or stress is an important part of determining if they are a good potential lifetime match. That’s one of the grownup indicators that many people miss. Funny, though, that in a good relationship we often don’t get that info for some time. When we’re getting along it doesn’t come up. Kinda a catch-22, isn’t it? I suppose you can pick a fight to see? Kidding!
My husband and I didn’t have our first fight for over a year. But during that time each of us had family drama, business bullshit…all kinds of life challenges came up. So that’s how we were able to judge our ability to handle conflict and stress; both as individuals and as a couple.
In Pamela’s case I would have rather had her tell him how she was feeling and have a conversation about it. And yes, it was telling how they both acted. No deal breaker behavior; like I said I think they were both acting out of some fear and desire to control. Human stuff. But you nailed it: how they then go forward is where the juicy learning is.
Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment here. Really appreciate it, Dan. Bp
Dan S says:
This may be something for another blog post, but what are your thoughts on adding stress or conflict, at the right time of course, to see how the other person handles it? This is something I’ve thought I might need to do, assuming it didn’t happen on it’s own. If everything is all wonderful and smooth sailing you never get to see how this person handles conflict. Finding everything we have in common and like/love about one another is all well and good, but as you’ve shown above it can all go to hell pretty quickly.
As someone who hates games this may skirt the edge, but it seems to me a critical part of the discovery. Will they blowup, leave and call it quits, or show caring and communicate (as you suggest and share a link for in point2)? The example with Pamela and Ricardo seems perfect; small stuff that none the less gets under your skin. In this case rather than communicate Pamela chose to return fire, but this could be part of the discovery, especially since this site focuses on women.
The proper response, based on your other posts, would be to sit back and wait for the man to make the next move, which in Ricardo’s case would be to reach out to Pamela and apologize, so they could begin communicating again.
Thoughts?
Bobbi Palmer says:
I agree with your definition, Noquay. Though don’t necessarily agree that all on your list is harmful. But that’s for each of us to decide, I will say that Ricardo’s behavior could be a potential red flag. If it was a pattern, for sure. Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Here here, Anne! I love what you said: …realising that it’s about our imperfections fitting together rather than perfection. We are all so damn imperfect.
Maia Sharp has a song that says “…battered hearts come together in a work of art…real love.”
Says it all, right?
Congratulations to you for being a grownup! Hoping things continue to be great for you two and that it is Real Love, And, if not, know you are so much closer. Bo
Bobbi Palmer says:
I agree, Linda. If he’s doing (or not doing) something that is important to you, express your needs. You will see if he is willing and/or able to meet them. Or if you can work things out together. That communication and willingness to please each other is the key to real partnership, I think. Thanks for participating and sharing here! Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Woohoo! Way to go Dawn. [*clapping*] Bp
Linda says:
Some caution here. While this is one direction things can go with nit-picking, some people have a more serious problem. Those who are truly commitment phobic exhibit the same behavior…..but never come around in the end and create a ton of heartache during regular time you date/are in love with them.
Anne says:
Bobbi your timing was great for me – am back with a lovely guy after a blip, what you say rings true. I am trying to be open and calm, hoping that we have enough jig-saw pieces that fit together to make a recognisable picture, realising that it’s about our imperfections fitting together rather than perfection.
I feel great with him, but realise we’re both a bit wary and independent. A really helpful post, thank you. Courage ladies – let us try to be brave and vulnerable, kind (first to ourselves) and always keep safe.
🙂 anne
Noquay says:
Flaws are annoying whereas deal breakers are downright harmful.
Deal breakers are stuff like:
Alcohol/drug abuse
No work ethic
Physical and Emotional abuse
Poor self care
Financial irresponsibility
Incompatible values and lifestyles
Racism
Dishonesty
I will say Bobbi that what was described in this case could be construed as excessive control on Ricardo’s part and a potential red flag.
Dawn says:
Oh my goodness. I recognize these behaviors in myself. Luckily my new beau and I were able to work our way past this. Unfortunately it took a six month break up to realize what idiots we were. After six months we were ready to have the grown up conversation.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Yep Tess, hang on to it for when that time comes…and it will! Bp
Maria says:
Raine I agree with your comments entirely. I don’t want to change someone as I do not want to be changed (or is that controlled?) I want to meet someone who complements me and vice versa. My problem has always been giving partners way TOO many chances and staying far too long when I am not happy. If I ever get into another relationship I mean to spot the red flags and ACT on them, not hope they will get better.
Tess says:
Thanks Bobbi – I feel like this information will be useful for when I am next in a relationship.
Bonnie Pura says:
Thanks, Bobbi for that perspective. I find that I use this exact scenario as a probability and it stops me cold. It keeps me from putting myself out there again or even considering a lasting relationship. There are many opportunities to try out (and hopefully, become comfortable using) your procedure that aren’t as scary as selecting a long term partner. I’m beginning today. Blessings.
Sonja says:
I just dont know what to try i have been the one thats seen the one trying to messme about and have told him after he comes back
Time and time again after sending an off message and blocking a d then coming back as if nothing has hapened always going back to try with his seperared wife that this has to stop ,yeah i like him dont understand him even wished him well last time and tokd hin hope he works it out which yes is a polite sod off still comes back must be the 8th time he does my head in im 45years old and would love to meet a nice man ormaybe if this one ha ha yeah right came to his senses
Alice Billman says:
Bobbi, you’re right on target here.
My guy is seriously OCD – he knows it, and even makes jokes about it from time to time. Since I’m the type to jump out of the airplane and figure out how to build a parachute on the way down, this disturbed me. The constant checking to see if the door is locked, thinking and re-thinking every problem, was beginning to drive me a bit nuts….until I remembered that this guy has brought me more happiness than I have ever seen in my life. I feel safe with him – I think the last time I felt this safe was sitting on my grandfather’s lap.
It’s all good – we each have our own way of navigating the waters of the world and listening to one more thought process out loud certainly isn’t going to ruin my life.
Thank you Bobbi.
Rachel Schmitt says:
Great article Bobbi. It is our unconscious fears that mostly keep us from seeing the
Good in quality men due to our fear of getting hurt. Self review and honesty with
Ourselves and a potential partner is a way to deal with negative fears. You are
Right!!! Thank you for your knowledge.
Julie says:
Great article and SO true!
raine says:
Thanks Bobbi, Very interesting take on this phase of a relationship. It’s so easy to find flaws in someone.
I believe at this age (over 50) it’s easier to end the relationship than to work on dealing with it. Working on the perceived flaws for me seem judgmental and that you are trying to change the person. I don’t want any guy trying to change me after I have lead a successful life without him. We should be complements to each other’s existing lifes. This situation is truly a balancing act of patience and managing expectations. Especially, if you are not looking to remarry. Enjoy the areas of the relationship that brings you happiness. The only time I feel uncomfortable with dating is at my age labing a guy my boyfriend!
julie daughter-inlaw says:
How do you know which ones are deal breakers?