Whoa…are you thinking of dating after divorce? I’m guessing that your feelings are running from “this is a little daunting” to “this is downright unthinkable…what the f*@k am I thinking?”
Maybe the idea of doing that man-thing again seems akin to putting your hand on a hot stove. Why the hell would you do that again, right?
Well, because love rocks. Humans thrive on affection and intimacy. It’s what we need. (Yes, I said need. We need to love and be loved.)
So what if this time around you actually know how to turn the fire off before you place your hand on the stove? What if you knew the steps to take while dating that lead you to some fun, then some romance and eventually a committed, grownup, forever partnership?
You see…this is your Do Over! Your next (and last?) love affair doesn’t have to be anything like your last one. And just like working out or doing the job that you do so well – the more you do it, the easier it gets.
If you are open to the idea that you can learn from past mistakes and don’t have to repeat them, I invite you to look at this as a wonderful journey of rediscovery – both of yourself, of men, and of the kind of relationship that will bring you a lifetime of happiness.
Here’s the simple truth about dating after divorce (or any time) in a way to find grownup love:
(That’s also the key to attracting the right man.)
Sounds easy, but I know it’s not.
Especially if you’re dating after divorce and coming out of an experience that left you feeling unsafe, disconnected, or even somehow damaged.
If you are open to the idea that you can learn from past mistakes and don’t have to repeat them, I invite you to look at this as a wonderful journey of rediscovery – both of yourself, of men, and of the kind of relationship that will bring you a lifetime of happiness.
To get you started, here are my top tips for making dating after divorce an adventure and a success:
If you’ve been married for a long time or your marriage or relationship was intense (even if short-lived), it’s time to get to know yourself again.
Screw what your ex said or how he labeled you. And while you’re at it, add your family and the media to that list of who-gives-a-crap what they think.
This is about looking at yourself through your grownup lens; not that of other people in your life. Give yourself permission to think, self-evaluate, grieve, recalibrate, and rediscover YOU.
You are special.
You don’t have to be curing cancer or climbing mountains to be special. Being kind, compassionate, a good mother and/or friend…that makes you pretty damn special. You are that, aren’t you?
Explore what makes you a wonderful woman.
Take inventory of all the amazing things you’ve accomplished in your life. You’ve created all of that, sister! Which means you have the power to create the next chapter too.
Take the time you need to feel whole on your own. There’s no need to rush into dating after divorce. Knowing when you’re ready is about how you feel, not how much time has passed since D-Day. So when you feel ready, dip a toe in the pool.
Starting to date is just that; starting. It doesn’t mean you have to jump into anything. Enjoying different experiences – even the occasional crappy date – may help you realize what “normal” feels like.
Then again, going out with a guy that thinks you’re hot and wants to see you again will give you a shot of confidence. Believe me, your ex wasn’t the only man on earth interested in you. There are plenty more and they are the high-quality men you deserve.
And hey, if you start feeling you’re in over your head, you are in charge! You have the right to jump off the train. (In which case rinse & repeat #1.)
Take time to heal, yes, but don’t let your healing become hiding.
Get busy with supportive friends and do not hesitate to ask them for help! Cultivate new interests that you’ve had on hold. Travel to an interesting destination. Figure out what YOU love to do. (As opposed to what you did with him.)
There’s nothing like a change to create a fresh perspective!
A restyle of your look, home and routine may be just the change you need to feel like you’re “back”. Try a new workout or makeup routine, go to a new liquid lounge with your girlfriends…do something different.
No matter what, it’s better to be out socializing than at home depressed wondering what’s next in your life. You can create it! Call a friend, grab a coffee, go for a hike…you never know who you might meet.
Aim for doing one new thing every month. Start reminding yourself that YOU are in charge of your life, and you can do just about anything.
Before you start dating after divorce …start your new life path. Embrace it!
It may have been a while since you noticed the scenery around you. (Yes, by the scenery I’m talking about men.)
Keep your eyes on others, not on the ground beneath you. Start to say hello to the men who pass you, who sit next to you, or who are standing in line with you.
That’s it, just say hello. I bet you’ll start some conversations.
This doesn’t have to be about getting dates. It’s more about remembering how to engage with men from a place of femininity. This will help you break the ice for real flirting down the line.
It’s a new era, sister. At this time of life, using online dating sites is the very best way to meet single men. Where else would you have the potential to connect with hundreds or thousands of single men in your area? Many of whom may also be dating after divorce.
When you’re ready, online dating is likely just the thing to get you back in the dating groove.
With a couple of good online dating photos and a great profile, you can be meeting single men who are looking for a woman just like you.
DO have fun with it, and DON’T worry that this is only for the young or hopeless daters out there. I met my husband online and the vast majority of the women I coach meet their partner online.
To learn the A-Zs of mastering online dating at this time in life, check out my program From Online to In-Love: A Step-by-Step Guide to Finding Love Online After 40. Online dating does not have to be painful or full of drama!
Finding The One takes time. That’s good news and I encourage you to celebrate this fact.
You probably have a good list of what you don’t want in a man or relationship, right? But do you know what you do want? As you date you’ll gain perspective and hone in on your critical list of Must-Have’s.
Be honest about your goals. Whether you’re ready for a long-term relationship again or just want to get comfortable dating after divorce, knowing what you’re looking for will help you attract the right fit.
Keep an open mind as you meet men and view every opportunity for connection as an adventure.
Most dates won’t be “It”, but every date will teach you something. As long as you’re looking for the oh-so-important lessons, you will never, ever have a bad date.
Setting, communicating, and maintaining your boundaries in dating – especially dating after divorce – is key to making healthy choices, attracting the right men, staying safe, and enjoying an overall positive experience.
There are two types of boundaries. The ones you set for yourself and the ones you expect others to follow.
You can only control yourself, so it’s important to decide on your dating and relationship rules.
Promise yourself to follow them regardless of who the man is and how eager you are. Start this now, then update as you continue to have new experiences and learn more about yourself and dating. This will keep you SAFE: Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually.
If you’ve been married just shy of forever, this may be tricky. You may be good at marriage – at being a partner. And you may actually miss it. That makes it easy to settle in quickly… but GO SLOW.
Dating to find love isn’t a sprint, it’s a marathon. Give yourself credit for every single step forward. Reading this article is a step forward. Talking to a friend, buying a new dress, talking to that man at the grocery store…all steps forward. It’s important to celebrate every one of these steps. Give yourself the credit you deserve!
It’s been ages since you’ve had the opportunity to get to know someone new AND to slowly reveal the best parts of you, right? Take the time you need to enjoy the yummy get-to-know-him-and-yourself part of dating.
Congratulations.
Dating can be fun if you let it be. Take this chance to explore new people and a new You. You’ve accomplished much more challenging things in your life than having a few dates. Create space; enjoy the opportunity you now have to make intentional, smart, grownup choices. (Yes, you can be the picker!)
This a big opportunity for an amazing Do Over. Remember to laugh and enjoy it!
You got this, sister.
Aubrey says:
Such good advice – I really liked the way you spelled everything out. Thanks.
tech says:
Interesting concept when is is men who get screwed over in divorce 99% of the time
Bobbi Palmer says:
It does help to hear from “real” men like you. Thanks for your comment and I wish you peace as you move through your divo. Tough stuff. Bp
Terry says:
Hey ladies, 52 year old male. I read article trying to learn more about what women are thinking or expecting as I am headed for divorce. I dont want divorce but seems beyond my control.
Alot of things mentioned in article seems correct. As far as men go eyesight, hair, teeth, memory, 6 pack stomach, and sexual stamina are a thing of the past for us. Men and women are not getting their 18 year old bodies back. So dont go looking for every flaw in yourself.
At my age. We are looking for someone that is compatible and enjoy spending time with. It is just as scary for us too. When I was younger I was younger I looked at women with different eyes. Infatuation?? I dont know but now I can see women as a person.
If you was to find that older gentleman still hung up on looking young again just move on he probably would want you to do same. Myself I dont have time or energy to live in the gym. Be someone that a guy could see a future with that would be enjoyable. Men are out there but look for compatibility. Hope this helps.
Terry says:
Im a guy that is starting the process of divorce. As far as the number of men in your area I cant help with that. I am 52 and I can say RA is not going to be an issue with men. At our age we finally decided to grow up. Having somebody to spend time with is a bigger priority that we enjoy being with.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Barbara. Yes, wait for them to ask. I love to hear that you are following some of my advice and it’s helping you. Yay boundaries, indeed!!! I don’t have enough info on how you might be sabotaging, but there’s a hint if you wonder if you are too serious too soon. Here’s an article that will be of help to you. It’s about how dating more like a man will help you. Hugs. Bp
Jennifer Benn says:
Hello @Bobby. First, a big thanks to you for this post.
Though it sounds strange, but yes, love do happen for many times in our lifetime. So why crying and staying on the same situation when you can do better. Even after divorce, love with another person stays long. So you should take the risk and move ahead. Now as the online dating is one of the easiest and craziest medium to meet your man of dreams. It may take some time to forget the past and focus on the present, but when you start to talk with other people, it would bring a lot of opportunities to live your life again. But you should go slow and ensure safety by performing a background check [https://www.dateprotecther.com/dating-background-check.php] on the online dating partner to better know about them and their hidden secrets.
Barbara says:
I’m currently separated and almost through the divorce process. I’ve done alot of work on myself in therapy and continue to do so, read books by Brene Brown, come here to read and really feel pretty good about who and where I am on my life at 47. I felt like I was ready to start dating. So I jumped on Match and POF and have had a number of conversation with some really great men. Bobbi, reading here has helped me open up to men of quality and I started talking to folks who made an effort to connect with me intellectually (especially after my initial dating experience where romeo was very attractive, swept me off my feet over two dates and then benched me when I wouldn’t sleep with him (yay! boundaries!!!)). Eventually started seeing another man and we really hit it off, talked for four hours over coffee the first time we got together, talked frequently by text, him often initiating. Second date went really well. And we smooched a bit before I said, we really need to have some grown up conversations before we get to sex and I think it is too soon for that. We had more great conversations, him texting first etc. One day flirting and bam the next day he says it just doesn’t feel right to him. I’m kind of stunned because I was feeling really good things about this man. He was attentive, held doors for me, touched me from time to time, just all the right things. My gut says he just got scared, but I have to ask myself scared of what? What can I learn from this? Am i sending some kind of “too serious too soon” vibe to guys that scares them off after two dates? I’m not exactly on a mission, but I am looking for something that goes somewhere. I’m also not great at playing the field so to speak. Starts to feel weird after a while. But I am jumping back in to talking to multiple men and hoping to meet up with one or two soon. I should wait for them to ask right? Any insight for me on how I may be sabotaging my dating? I am still pretty wet behind the ears and only been on dates with the two men I have mentioned. Each one a learning experience for sure! And two guys closer to Mr. Right!
Bobbi Palmer says:
I’m going to be direct, Lucy. Why would you be in love with a man who hurts your feelings, ignores you and has told you that he’s not interested in a relationship with you? Time to grab your grownup girl and make better choices for yourself, sister. Here’s an article to help you get started: https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/why-you-keep-attracting-narcissists/
Lucy says:
Hi Bobbie
I have been divorced for 8 years I’m back now date site for 3 years now.
I didn’t have any success…
The ones I really like them and I was think will be perfect match they didn’t like me .
In three years surching I date three .
Now I’m in love with this guy … he is opposite from what I’m looking for if.
He can be very sweet and sometimes very sarcastic and can hurt . He told me he doesn’t want serious relationships and he told me he is unfaithful. He never married and no kids .. I have two small kids and work two jobs .
He sometimes act like my dream man we have a lot in common in taste actives and food …
but other hand sometimes he completely me ignore. I felt awful but I’m still in love with him .
I want him out of my mind.
The worst part we never had a relationship … sometimes we spend a day together but other times none.
I’m the one keep inviting him to go out or do something we both like
Please help I need get out of that .
Karen C says:
Dating after divorce is such an overwhelming concept!! Especially now with online dating (that wasn’t even an option when I met my husband). I am really thrilled I found this blog and I will definitely be utilizing your advice; I think it’s so important to make this a fun process rather than an end all be all search for “the one.” Your post really reminded me of an awesome book I read recently called “The Accidental Divorcee” by author Laura Scott (http://theaccidentaldivorcee.com/). It is short, insightful, and full of straight talk that lets you know exactly what to expect and how to deal with it. She shares her story and there were many times throughout the book that I felt like I was reading about myself and what I was going through. Not only does she teach you how to heal but then there is some great advice on how to begin again; start new routines, start dating, etc. I really hope you will check it out.
Larry says:
All this is complicated for us guys too. Bobbi’s advice is great. A guy’s perspective on all this relationship after 40 stuff is available here, if you’re interested: http://40andoverleague.com/blog/exes-with-benefits/. Just know that we’re as confused, frustrated and sometimes overwhelmed by dating after divorce as you are.
Good luck out there ladies. Hope you all find what you’re looking for.
Lara says:
I am not divorced but enjoyed reading about the perspective from the other side. I think that it’s good that divorced people are encouraged to take things slowly. I have dated some divorced men who seem a bit too eager and fast and I don’t think that they have considered how much baggage they actually have which is scary to someone who doesn’t have any. I have felt the need to nip things in the bud and jump off the train too.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Good advice, Steph. Hey…whatever works! Bp
Steph says:
I’m in a similar situation as Tammy. Smaller community in the northern plains and not able to relocate due to family commitments., I think I’ve dated just about all the qualified men online and I’m now running into them at the grocery store, restaurants, etc. it’s kind of awkward, but also kind of funny.
Tammy, a suggestion to Bobbi’s suggestion to eating at the bar if you’re uncomfortable doing that in your small town. You can tell the waiter/bartender you’re waiting for a friend and then make up some excuse why they didn’t show or you can order take out and have a drink while waiting for the order. Small towns are still pretty provincial and conservative.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Tammy, Glad you’re here! Yep, you have some slim pickings and greater challenges. But all you need is ONE! I think your best bet is to involve yourself in any way possible with local events. Take a class, join a poker or bowling or any other kind of club. Be sure to tell anyone you know that you are looking for meet a nice man, and give some key qualities you’re looking for. (Don’t make them picky ones; make them the real grownup ones.) Get out of the house for meals. (Better if you are alone. Sit at the bar or counter and talk to your neighbors.) Make eye contact with men and smile…say hi. These are the various ways you can meet someone ‘the old fashioned way.’ It takes some focus and effort. But it’ll be way worth it when it connects you with some local men with partner potential.
And btw, it’s a bummer about your RA. That sucks. But we all have somethin’ as we age. If you’re living with it and okay with it, most guys will be too. And happy almost birthday! Bp
Tammy says:
Hi Bobbi! I’m excited that I’ve stumbled onto your site, and I’m enjoying the videos and articles that I have seen so far. Thank-you!
But…I do feel that your perspective is a wee bit limited for some of us. That is, that I live in northern Alberta, Canada, in a rural area about 30 miles from our largest community, which has a population of less than 70,000. To top that off, the median age for men here is 29 years old. That makes meeting eligible men who are 50 to 60 a bit more difficult.
You talk about hundreds or even thousands of great men online for me to meet, but my reality is about a dozen on Match, and 2 dozen on Ourtime. It is frustrating. And those sites are giving me daily matches that are in Edmonton (300 miles away) and Calgary (500), and beyond, because there aren’t any more local members for me to see.
Any suggestions on how I can zero in on a perspective date?
Thanks, for any further help. I’ll continue exploring what you have to offer.
P.S. I’m one month away from my 54th birthday, and I have rheumatoid arthritis that is making me less physically able/active, but I’m very slim.