My client Rebecca had been dating Jim for six months. They had been exclusive almost since the day they met, and their relationship was moving along quite nicely. She really dug him, and they talked about a future together.
But there was one thing that constantly bothered her – and it was a BIG thing.
Jim had not yet introduced Rebecca to his daughter.
On more than one occasion (actually several) Rebecca mentioned that she’d love to meet her. Jim would vaguely nod his head and change the subject. No meeting was taking place.
Rebecca took Jim’s actions (or lack thereof) as a sign that he wasn’t truly serious about sharing his life with her. If he wanted a forever relationship, why wouldn’t he want her to meet and get to know his daughter, especially since they were super close?
She was prepared to move on; deciding that he must be stringing her along.
Thankfully Rebecca was still in one-on-one coaching with me, so I was able to give her some perspective. She was making a 100% assumption about what was going on. To leave this otherwise loving relationship without having a conversation about this just didn’t make sense.
With my coaching, Rebecca crafted a way to broach this subject with Jim. She was extremely hurt, so I helped her do it in a way that opened up the topic in a way a man would respond to.
She told Jim that she had something she wanted to share with him and asked what a good time would be. When that time came. Rebecca told him something like “Jim, I care about you so much, and I’m with you in starting to see a great future together. I know how important your daughter is to you and I’d like to share that part of your life. I’d like to have a conversation with you about why you haven’t introduced me. Can we do that now or some time soon?”
When you approach communication with your man in an open, loving, non-confrontational way what you learn may surprise you…
Let me break that down:
Rebecca started off with a truth that was positive (I care about you and see a future together), then she asked for what she wanted, (to share this part of his life and have a conversation about why she hasn’t met his daughter) then she got his buy-in (Can we do that now or some time soon?).
Rebecca was loving, direct and non-demanding. Grownup, right? No blaming, no accusations, no histrionics.
My client Ann had a similar issue with a new relationship. Ann loves to travel, and she likes to do it with all the amenities – nice hotels, expert tour guides, great theater tickets.
Ann and Alan were getting more serious but she noticed that when he talked about his past travel experiences it was all about planning on the fly and being as budget conscious as possible – not her style at all.
Ann was starting to think this might be a deal breaker. They were both retired and really wanted to do some serious travelling – but Motel 6 was not going to work for her. I encouraged her to check in with Alan about this – without judgment or expectations. In a way you do when you are mature dating.
Using the same approach as Rebecca, Ann told Alan that she thought they were simpatico in so many ways that made her happy. She then told him what she observed about their differing travel styles and stated the fact that she was concerned about their compatibility on this issue.
Alan laughed and told Ann that he loved that kind of travel too. He was more than happy to ramp it up a notch or three for her. (He thought from the day they met she was The One.) He explained that when he traveled alone or with the guys he was fine roughing it. But with her it would be completely different.
The next week they planned a great trip together. Ann made all the arrangements.
Ann, like Rebecca, almost ended a quite lovely relationship because of an assumption she was making. For both women, they were considering leaving, and it was simply because they didn’t know how to have the conversation required to get the facts.
Oh! And what about Rebecca and Jim? He was more than happy, and actually relieved to have a conversation about this daughter with her. Jim told her that he was concerned that Rebecca wouldn’t like his daughter. That was why he had been avoiding introducing them! Kinda not the story she had been concocting in her head, was it? This never crossed her mind.
Rebecca met Jim’s daughter soon thereafter. They aren’t best friends, but they get along. Jim and Rebecca got married about a year later on a ship while cruising to the Caribbean.
The third principle of dating like a grownup is taking responsibility for your actions and outcomes. As you date and develop relationships, you have endless choices to make. Especially as women dating after 40, you already have so many skills to help you navigate these experiences. Apply what you know, and keep getting help like you are here.
Before you start thinking you know what is going on with a man, before you’ve decide something is a deal breaker, take the responsibility to have an adult discussion and check in with him. If you have skin in the game and you’re seeing good possibilities with him, why wouldn’t you?
I’ve seen so many potentially good relationships never get off the ground or end, simply because of some communication that never took place, or a conversation that went awry.
When you approach communication with your man in an open, loving, non-confrontational way what you learn may surprise you – just like it did with Rebecca and Ann. And one more great thing: The experience of having such a conversation only deepens your connection and sets you up to have more meaningful communication going forward.
Can you think of times in the past where knowing this communication skill would have helped you? Have you ever cut and run when maybe some communication could have changed things? Leave me comment and let me know. I’d love to know if this helped you!
Bobbi Palmer says:
I always appreciate your comments, Tom. Yes, WE are 100% right on. even I, after being married 14 years, have challenges with sharing when I’m upset. I realize it’s hard. But it always turns out positive – if not in the precise moment, it does eventually when you care about each other. Take good care. Bp [1359]
Tom says:
Hi Bobbi,
I know this is an old thread, but I felt I need to say this as it might help women save their relationship or at least put them on the path to a fulfilling one.
I wish more women would communicate with their men like this. From my own experience from past relationships, which ended these have been the problems I encountered and could not resolve or repair and the trust was gone.
Shutting down – Doing this will do nothing, but cause resentment on both sides if you don’t communicate what is wrong how can we fix it.
Avoiding – The biggest issue with this approach is that if not expressed then it simmers until you explode and then say the most hurtful things in what can only be described as a verbal assault.
Over thinking/Over analysing – Why did he say that, why didn’t he say/do some action. People say things and do things all the time, which can be misinterpreted if you’re not sure what they meant ask in a friendly way. Personally I’ve said things that came out wrong when I had a lot on my mind (and not about the relationship) or believe it or not just hungry.
Ladies please don’t assume we men are mind readers we are not unfortunately as it would make relationships a lot easier. Don’t drop hints that all your women friends would pick up on instantly more than likely we men won’t if you want something from us ask us and save everyone the heartache.
If we have upset you tell us good men want a strong relationship where they can grow and build a life together and if we made a mistake tell us so we can repair the damage, but also make sure we never make it again.
However, be reasonable with your emotions. If you say you love chocolate ice cream and I say I hate it, which gets you upset (bad example I know) that’s on you not your partner.
If I say something in an off the cuff remark about something you strongly believe in or have experienced then that is on me, but I may not be aware and you need to educate me.
Trust me ladies when you meet a good man he will want to work with you to grow the relationship and he will not run away at the first sign of a problem, but you do need to communicate with them if you truly want that relationship to last.
cassandra says:
I absolutely do not know how to communicate how i feel. Im in a long distance r/ship and because of my not knowing how to communicate i could sabotage my own relationship with the way i handle things. I am with a loving guy and i can see it, he is genuine most times and ive been the one who has been unable to tell him if im not ok… most times i just keep it quiet cos i dont want to nag or sound like im complaining..
Bobbi Palmer says:
Way to go, Katy. I’m so glad your comment wasn’t about asking how to get him back. You learned a really good lesson, right? So there’s the positive. You know to look for signs early on. If you’ve communicated with kindness and directness, and he comes back with anger or blaming that’s a DARK RED FLAG. Sometimes men (and women) respond defensively as a knee-jerk reaction, but after thought come back to discuss. But this guy…no way. He did you a favor and I’m really glad that you know that! So my advice: grab the learning and know that you dodged a bullet. Move the hell on and next time express your important feelings and needs when things come up. You learn a ton about a man when you see how he responds. SO glad you found me. Keep learning. Hugs, Bp
Katy says:
Hi Bobbi,
I have only just found your website today after searching for help dealing with narcissistic relationships. I have just ended an 8 month relationship – there were a few things bothering me which he and I had managed to speak about, so I felt brave enough to tackle the most important one. Sex. He had become unloving and uninterested in my needs and seemed to be just after his own pleasure. He had previously been in an abusive relationship with a woman and also had some other issues around sex so I had been very patient and understanding with him – but I began to see that I was negating my own needs. So I wrote an email! I worded it very carefully and am pleased to see instinctively used similar phrasing to what you have advised above. Unfortunately it was not received well – he was very angry and defensive. When we talked about it he kept turning the conversation around to himself and blaming me – bringing up some insignificant things I had said but that he had made a judgement about me over. When I tried to bring the conversation back around to my email he became very angry and stormed out – I haven’t seen or heard from him since. I feel sad and angry I did not speak up sooner – and now I can’t believe I didn’t recognise his controlling behaviour. So thank you – I am reading through your relavent blogs and will make sure am never in the same situation again! Any advice gratefully received. Katy x
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Christine! I am SO happy to hear that my work has helped you so much. In answer to what you need to do differently, here is the article for you to read if you haven’t yet: https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/why-you-keep-attracting-narcissists/. Good work in your forward movement, sister. Keep it up and stay with me. Hugs, Bp
ChristineM says:
Bobby,
Although I have practiced having these grown-up conversations with the men I have dated, it has been with the wrong men. I know this because as a result of these conversations, the narcissistic rage has ensued! Since the common denominator is ME, I am on a personal quest to figure out what is causing the attraction of these men to me. What do I need to do differently than I have done in the past. No new applications for crazy are being accepted by me. Your blogs have helped me refine what my Grown-up relationship feels like at 47. Fortunately, by knowing what I want to feel like in a healthy partnership has allowed me to quickly uncover who he really is within a few months. I guess there’s a little more refining to be done and I appreciate your story of inspiration.
Bobbi Palmer says:
I agree 100%! Truth – no matter how hard it may be – is key to trust; which is key to love. Thanks for your input! Bp
Hairspray59 says:
The number one key to saving a marriage would have to be giving your partner full transparency. That way, your partner will be able to assure themselves that you are going to live up to your word. Unfortunately, this is one of the main ways to gain back the trust in communication with your partner. Hope my thoughts help.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Oh thanks so much, Kemisola. (What a beautiful name!) I love hearing that my work is helping you.
Glad you’re here with me.
Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Thanks for your note Gina! Glad you “got it” because it can open up so many new possibilities for you!
Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Good for you Brenda! Love to hear this! Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Yay Cris! So glad to hear and thrilled I can help you continue your lovely relationship. He’s a lucky man! Bp
Cris Ward says:
You must have been reading my mind, Bobbi! I have been dating my boyfriend for a year, and it’s been very good. But lately, I’d been brooding about some issues that bothered me about our relationship – things that I thought should be happening by now. Your article reminded me that 1) my sweet boyfriend can’t read my mind and 2) when I do talk with him in an adult way and let him know what’s bothering me, he has always been willing to work with me. As it happened, we had a very good talk the same evening of the day I read this.
Thanks for helping me keep things in perspective!
Kemisola says:
Thank you so much. Very useful information. So on point and crucial for relationship success.
Keep up the good work. I enjoy your newsletters. I wish you the best in life.
Warmest regards!
Gina says:
Bobbi,
This was a helpful topic and good examples of how we’re quick to judge others through our perceptions instead of the facts.
Thanks for sharing!
Brenda says:
I did this with a guy I really liked.. And he was equally nuts about me! But it seemed that he second guessed every decision I made! Or had unsolicited ” advice” Having been in a controlling relationship before.. I cut & ran without even bringing this up! Thankfully, he wouldn’t accept this without an explanation.. As it turns out I was reading it all wrong and he was just giving me his perspective on things and in no way was being critical. After a long discussion we agreed to reconnect and also to talk about how we’re feeling rather than assuming!! We’ve been together for a year now and have no trouble having grown up discussions… Good or bad
Karen says:
I chose not to meet a man because he was 55 and lived with roommates in a house he didn’t own. I was looking for someone more established and assumed he had nothing to offer to complement my lifestyle.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Kat, I’m so glad I helped you with this. And yah, lots of guys are really great but never learned how to communicate well. We can teach them though! Hugs, Bp
Kat Bourgeois says:
Bobbi, thank you so much for tackling this issue. I think it is a tough one for many women. Ironically, it can be difficult because a woman may be unassertive and reticent or because they can be too assertive and come across as nagging or complaining. Another challenge of course if your guy is wonderful, but non-communicative. I’m working on this one so any help is much appreciated!