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Why Does He Keep Disappearing and Reappearing?

So…your man gets in touch and stops. And keeps doing it. Why does he keep disappearing and reappearing? It’s frustrating, confusing and maddening, isn’t it? Well, sister, there’s a good chance you’re being “Pinged” and I’m going to tell you why he’s doing it, and what to do about it.

Whether you’re 20 or 50, you probably have had a pinger in your life. Maybe he’s still with you. Here’s how this goes:

You meet him and spend a few terrific nights or weeks with him. He calls when he says he’s going to, he takes you out, and he tells you how great you are. He seems like an overall fantastic guy and you’d gladly jump into bed with him. And you think: he could be the One.

Then… he fades. Your dates are few and far between; if at all. But unlike the others, he doesn’t quite disappear. Every so often you get a text or email that goes something like: Hey babe. I’m thinking of you. Maybe he calls occasionally and tells you how much he’d like to see you, but just can’t right now.

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And then he follows several days or weeks later with Hey babe, what are you doing tonight?

You figure he’s busy, but still interested. After all, he’s going out of his way to stay in touch. He’s not like those other guys who simply vanish. He’s making an effort. He gets points for that.

On and on it goes; for a few weeks or a even a few years. Your man man keeps disappearing, but then gets in touch. He appears to be making a huge effort to fit you into his life; but somehow he just can’t seem to do it on any regular basis.

You remember those great times with him, and you think of the potential… so you hang with it. You look forward to his texts and calls. You hope each week is the week he frees up to take you out Saturday night. You jump to meet him at the last moment when he tells you he wants to see you.

You, my friend, are being pinged.

Here is the definition of pinging (which I happen to know from my years in the technology field):

A computer network administration utility used to test whether a particular host is reachable across a network and to measure the round-trip time for packets.

Interpretation: a signal sent to see if the other object is receiving and test how long it takes to respond to a request for connection.

Getting my drift?

Pingers want to keep you out there and available. Pingers get in touch just enough to make you feel wanted and set you up to receive. Then, when they are ready, they send their request.

Sometimes the request is a date. Sometimes it’s simply the ego boost of hearing your desperation in wanting to see him again. It only takes moments, but fulfills a huge need for those guys who are looking for adoration and sex.

Pingers don’t all of the sudden decide that you are a priority in their lives. In truth, the mere fact that you put up with his nonsense is exactly why he will not move into any committed relationship with you. The sad irony is that by sticking around you have lost his respect.

This is a warning to all of you ladies who are waiting for your guy to go back to “how it was.” Chances are it really never was; it’s just your wish that that were so.

So…the next time you get the ping, do not return the signal that you received it. Dump your pinger.

What to do next? Learn how to spot these guys  because…aren’t you tired of wasting your time and having them chip away at your heart and your hope?

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  1. Smart! Glad you did that because you’re right. Not a relationship guy. Bp

  2. Seems like I have been pinged. I met a guy (a cop) who gave me his number– I called him two weeks after. We hit it off by text and met up the next day for a walk in the downtown area. He had a bit more free time at work due to training so we texted all the time. We talked about our previous relationships, family, and careers. Days later, we met at the beach for a full moon sighting and had our first kiss- nice make-out session but no sex (as it was too soon). He continued to text me but once the training ended, he was busier at work. Since he’s also a SWAT officer, he worked long hours and worked out a lot during off hours. Texting frequency decreased but he continued to reach out daily. Shared selfies but nothing else. One day, he asked to see me– lots of flirting text msgs, selfie, then tells me his son had an emergency and canceled on the last minute. He apologized and said he would pass by my job the next day to see me. Next day came along – no communication.
    Weird part, he texted me, he flirted, he sent pictures — wasn’t even for sex because we never got that far. The attraction was definitely there from both ends. However, it seems as if he could never see me beyond work schedules. (This all happened in 3-week time frame- I only saw him 3x, one of them during his workhours) I feel as if he’s talking to someone else too and whenever they came through or fixed their differences, then he would try harder. Perhaps, because I am 36 and he’s 49. Some guys get scared to date a younger woman. Either way, something was definitely up with him, and he was not being transparent. I was understanding of his schedule because I wasn’t ready for a big commitment and my life is just as busy. However, I was willing to make some time for him. After the last-minute cancelation – I decided to stop texting back and end it. Definitely pinged.

  3. I know this is a few years old but I had to respond to this comment. Sure you need to cast a wide net well you are dating and especially if you are looking for marriage and a father of your children. However why would you not ignore a Pinger? That’s like saying why are you ignoring an abuser? Why would you engage with people who are flaky that’s just the dumbest thing. It’s a waste of time I don’t care how fun the dates are. If the goal is to have fun and no adult relationship then engaging with the playgroup finger is OK I guess.

  4. Sure does. Bp

  5. Does this apply to a 31 year old who has never had a girlfriend. Been doing this dance for 8 months and keep telling myself he just doesn’t know what he is doing.

  6. I don’t know his “thing” – narcissism, avoidant attachment, asshole-ness – but it doesn’t matter. He is making you feel terrible. Stop trying to figure him out or waiting for him to change. You can’t and he won’t. Get him out of your life, girlfriend. Fast. Hugs. Bp

  7. Your article was very helpful. Thank you!
    I think something similar happens in my situation. For more than a year I’ve been friends with this guy and I was fine with it, but he started texting me often and asking me if I was gonna attend the classes he attends. He has sent me some love songs and asks me to tell him what I think about them… He seemed interested in me and of course I was always super kind with him, but once I response back wanting to have a conversation, he would just treat me with so much indifference… So like he replies to some of my stories and then I reply back and he gives a short/cold reply and even leaves me on seen.
    I really liked this guy, but his game is killing my nerves, I’ve been so anxious all these months, I opt to avoid him, but somehow is like he notices I’m distancing myself from him and then he contacts me again and I fall in the same game over and over.
    I find this as a lack of consideration, I’ll never do this to anyone, if I like the person I would just show my feelings and don’t play around, but some people are so selfish and the fact that they have someone falling for them gives them that self esteem boost..

  8. I had a similar thing happen to me about a month ago and the guy was a cop. Although mine wasn’t all that sweet to begin with lol

  9. He’s a Pinger…
    How about finally just riding back call and I have no interest in texting you.
    You will have to find your ego needs met somewhere else.
    That’s really all you’re texting is about.
    So an interested and a man that needs his ego met this way!!

  10. I don’t understand why you would want to continue any kind of relationship with a creepy man who sends you porn and stalks you. Please…get a grip. Run from him. Bp

  11. Hi, my situation is different. Four years ago my mom had a landscaper come to the house and I would go out and talk with him. We had a connection every time we talked. So I asked if we could meet for coffee and gave him my number. He suggested we get massages. I agreed but I knew I wasn’t doing that. So he started stalking me. So I called him on his business phone and told him I was upset and I was crying. So I come out of the store and he’s parked next to my car and I got in m car and drove away. So around the middle of August some creep sends me porn. I didn’t look to see who it was and then 2 days later the shy landscaper 67 sends me an emoji winking and blowing me a kiss. So I wrote back and told him not to send me emails. I wrote him a letter and asked if we could be friends. It’s almost 3 weeks and I think he feels rejected and I like playing games. I don’t think I will ever hear from him ever. I’m almost 62. I haven’t slept and my appetite is poor. I think we could have a good relationship. I love older men. Sincerely Rita Jean Signore

  12. Sorry Lisa, doesn’t seem like it’s going that well now. Move on, girlfriend. Bp

  13. There is a guy I really like and we went on a couple dates. He’s a cop and his work schedule is a little hectic, but he would always find time to text or call me everyday. He’s very sweet and always did more than enough to show me he was interested in me. One day he said he was having a rough week and needed space and he didn’t talk to me for two weeks. At that point I thought he had dropped me, but when he texted me again randomly, things were back to the way it was – texting and calling on a daily basis and seeing me on his days off. Recently we were supposed to go out of town, but he changed plans on me last minute and I expressed to him how this upset me because I put time aside to see him and I felt like I was being brushed off. He apologized, but I haven’t heard from him since. I’ve tried reaching out, but he isn’t answering my calls or texts. What is happening? I thought things were going so well..

  14. I don’t think she needed to reread the post. Looks like she was giving a story to let you know she’s been there and that she didn’t fall for it cause of what she knows she really wants.

  15. I think you need to reread the post, Vanesa. You’re being pinged. Next! Bp

  16. Linda your friends were right. After 3 weeks of texting, you should be meeting, girlfriend. You don’t want a pen pal, right? That he disappeared only meant that he wasn’t online for a real relationship. You didn’t scare him away. You stopped wasting your time!

  17. I have only been on a date once with this guy. The date went really well and he immediately asked me to see me again. We both had trips planned so we said let leave it for when we come back. The day after our date he texted good morning and continue to text sporadically throughout the day. I asked him something and he left me on read. A week and a half later he texted me sayin “hey how was your weekend?” I replied very short and sweet saying good and that I was enjoying my trip. He left me on read yet again. A week later he texts me saying “hey how was your trip?” I honestly did not feel interested in replying again. Not especially if he will be on and off. I know we only went on one date. But how are we supposed to get to know each other if he only does “weekly check ins” I want someone whose more consistent and more intentional in dating.

  18. Good for you! Stay strong! He’s obviously using you. You must be delightful for him to keep coming back but he’s clearly not ready ( and possibly never will be) to make commitments. Remember, it’s not you-it’s him. It’s his problem!

  19. So very happy to have found this site!
    I’m new to the online dating game for seniors! Finding it fun but frustrating so I’m so happy to have found you!
    First I meet someone on line – text for a week or 2 telegenic he disappears! One man I was super interested in . After texting for 3 weeks I listened to friends who suggested I ask him to coffee! Went against my better judgement but I did it anyway and never heard from him again. Kind of knew that men in this age group would be put off by the woman taking a lead! So very disappointed . Everything about him that I keRned I really liked!☹️

  20. Tell her, for goodness sake!!

  21. As a guy, I can promise you this is not the case for every person, men come across as simple, but we do have emotions. Yes, there’s a possibility that a man is doing this for his sexual pleasure. But, I had a heartbreak due to a dream woman thinking this way. I fell in love with a girl, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. But I started to keep my distance, because I was scared to make a commitment, and I never told her that, because I’m a (man), and I didn’t want her to know I was scared. I didn’t even want to have sex with her, because I might have a child. So I kept in touch, but kept my distance. After a year of stressing about this, the women of my life started dating someone else.

  22. Yes.

  23. I’ve known this man for over twenty years last five years and we talk about really being committed to one another, love , love,love etc. etc. Then we disconnect again. he comes over to my place, I spend time with him at his place. then he pushes me away. it’s been a whole year this time we spaced off but in December we connected again, talked about merging for good this time. mind you I haven’t been with anyone else since last january, when i saw him last at his place. a week ago he sent me a text saying how much he just LOVE what i said, and to let him know what time I’m coming over that evening. Problem is he had another name on the text, it wasn’t for me. We had already planned for me to come over the following week! Bobbi I think he just wanted to use me for sex because he know i wasn’t with anyone else, and keep whoever this is he’s with now. Sad part is i love him and this hurts, but i told him to leave me alone FOR GOOD! I blocked him everywhere because I just can’t do this anymore. BTW, I’m SO glad i wasn’t intimate with him(i dodged a bullet). I’m gonna stay on this journey until i meet the man who truly deserve me” all of me”. thanks so much for listening.

  24. So I’ve been talking to this boy, and we chat pretty smoothly but then he would end up leaving me on read. And he’d be online and still not message me back. Do I move on?

  25. I’m aorry I can’t respond to questions this long and detailed. This is for my group or private coaching support. Bp

  26. You said it: he’s trying to manipulate you. All who. Don’t let him. Bp

  27. Hey! I was on and off with this guy about two years ago and it ended pretty badly… Basically he said he didn’t see a future with me and he doesn’t think he could be serious with me. I was heartbroken and never really got over him, but I made efforts to because it was hurting me still being attached to him even though we haven’t spoken in so long. Out of nowhere, he texts me asking to hang out. I was shocked and thought I was dreaming… I replied saying sure and he hasn’t responded. Why does he do this to me… he made it very clear he didn’t want to see me again so why is he sending mixed signals. So manipulative……

  28. i know some guy from college, we werent together. i liked him back then. i was only 17 and he too. but it seems that he likes me. i remember that we had a walk after class and we kissed. but it was just some liking each other. and thats it. we werent a couple. i came back to my country, he went to army and then after a year i came back to college and i remember i kind of dissapinted from him or i was scared too from relationship and that i was going back to my country and hes was going to army … so i remember that it “ended” (cause it not even started) with him being angry ..so anyway i came back to college and thought that the 3rd year he be in and i remember writing him that i will always love him and whatever i was younger and have some emotions and exctiment that moment i guess cause i wasnt in love with him. i only had a crush on him i guess. anyways… and he answer me nicely .. anyway i didnt saw him at all after that first year in college. after graduating i came back to my country, one and half year ago he wrote me that he sorry that he answer me that way (though i remembered that he answered me in mature way and by saying the things that he didnt like back then. its his right to say thay) i said that its ok and that i didnt even remembered something bad so everything is cool . and thats it.
    one year later ( last year) he saw me in social media updating my profile picture , and immediately wrote me . i was shocked , it was very quick.
    anyway. we talked, and it was very cool and like friend you know .. not any weird talking or whatever .. he said that if he can hear my voice and then if we can talk on facetime , and i was like yea .. cool why not. i dont mind
    we talked like everyday from that day for a couple weeks , and he always was flirting with me and asking questions that i know that he would ask me that . cause he was very expected by everything that he would say .. and i kind of was getting from him a vibe that he is checking everything by the questions that he is asking me.cause he was doing that very clear ..
    anyway when we talked abouth that year in college i made it clear that indisnt have emotions .. rhat i just liked him thats it.. ans that eveyrhung is cool..Sixyears have passed.. im mean we grown up. and giving that vibe him that we can talk about that .. it fine its funny.. i mean we werent even a couple .. like cmon…
    sooo…. one time that i said that he made it immediately very clear and kind of wanted to make me
    clear by saying like that , that hey “me too” i didnt have emotions.. like in some kind of way.. but im sure he didnt have cause as i said .. im
    mean cmon
    one time he said to something that i kind of started to get tired of talking with since he said that. and its the thing is that he didnt really thought i was smart and that ineas some kind of naive person , and that is not that good being naive person. the fuck….
    and when he said that i didnt really pay that rhat much attention cuae it was six years ago like who care.
    but then i stared to think. so why you walk with me ? and that we kissed. like why….
    and i kind start to think about that in some kind of way , that What does this say about him. but then im saying like.. im mean cmon he was 18 so what? but im like… why are you saying that. why are you think that being naive especially in that age is somethinf bad? like.. it srarted to
    piss me off. and i was talkint with him
    still for more a couple weeks but the less and less but still like everything is cool .. cause i dont like to jump ocer some thoughts so much and thinking like that cause i didnt ask sk much… but anyways he was
    continuing for calling and hw was the one that always calling
    and after like month we disnt really talked ..
    i guess he felt that im answering after ling time i dont know..
    and then Radio silence for 3 months.
    1/1/2021
    he wrote me that he is wishing me happy new year , he wishing me a lot a lott of love and strenght and a successful year” and i was like thinking to myself … its not weird? i dont know… i answered him we talked like a really small talk because of me and then he maybe felt in some kind of way cuase he said “i dont want to bother ” and i said ok have a good day
    and like everything is cool cause eveything is kind of ok .. he didnt hurt me at the end of the day.. and he answer to me i wish you three times more and thats it.
    my qustion is, i wish it was from a male perspective the answer for this. but my question is – it is fair to even kind of judge someone for something for 6 years ago? amd that maybe he is not serious?!
    sometimes i feel like judging ,. and then im like.. i guess every girl would feel that way and was like what the fuck?
    i dont know. please i want to hear thoughts.

  29. If you read my article you have your answer, girlfriend. Next! Bp

  30. Stay away from ANY guy who insists on getting your address unit you are comfortable. Period. Bp

  31. Trust is a MUST in a relationship, Michelle. Don’t put off that conversation any longer. Ask him to explain those things. You may be surprised. It may be another woman, or not! A lot of times our imagination makes things much worse than they are. Get this convo done, girlfriend. Bp

  32. Nope, not too much to ask. If he doesn’t do it after you ask, you have a decision to make. Is he really reliable and good for you? Bp

  33. Help. I’m 56 hes 61 met him on a date site 4 months ago I fell hard I though he did to. We met once kissed he promised to meet me several times and always has an excuse to cancel Calls or texts when he wants. Totally freaks out when I try to break up with him. I’m just at a total loss. Reading this I guess it’s time to let go. He says I need patience. He has relationship issues
    Yea I do now to.

  34. The guy I met wants to get married he has a child he wants me to get to know. He wants my address we only been talking for 2weeks he called me his wife he now is mad with me because I would not give him my address so he could mail items to my house

  35. My boyfriend and I live together and he was gone since yesterday at six am and didn’t think to text me back. He finally texted me back around three am saying his phone was dead. (He sells phone cases with his friend) Anyway he told me he’s staying with his friend since he has more customers. Ok understood that you don’t want to keep driving three hours there and back home but at least have the decency to send a text that you’re safe. He’s done this before too and same excuse. I almost filed a missing person report on him. I don’t ask for much- just a simple hey I’m staying at my friends house would have been great a lot sooner.

  36. Well this guy 68 and myself 70 have known each other for a year….yep…he says I have to leave town for a few days because of work….really…then he does text and call even when away…and we do spend time together a week or more….he says i love you and want no other…but things at his house say different….so i am going to talk to him. you see there are female bath things…slippers….it could be his daughters uses his home….as a way station . Just tired of his lies i guess….so i will talk to him….and go from there….women like to hear from there guy every day and know they are in there minds.
    MH

  37. Feeling good when you’re apart is as important as when you’re together. Maybe more so. If you have asked him directly to communicate more – and every other day is at a lot to ask – then it says something if he won’t. Sounds to me like you’re not really happy with him. Have a serious conversation. Express your needs clearly and succinctly. If he won’t step up and has no good reason why, I encourage you to consider moving on. A good grownup relationship is About a lot more than just having a good time when you’re together. It’s also about how you feel and how you can count on each other when you’re not. Hugs. Bp

  38. I have been seeing this guy a second time, when we are together everything is amazing but afterwards his communication is terrible in my thinking, I have to say I don’t think we are wanting the same things to get a reaction out of him, he seems genuinely upset when i try to break things off but still doesn’t do any better on communicating, he is a wonderful person, never been married, hes 40 and im 46 we have amazing chemistry but hes just not giving me what i want on a daily.
    Am I asking for to much because I would like a phone call maybe every other night?
    Communication is very important to me and i have continued to stress this to him and hes says “I understand” should i walk away or be more patient?

  39. hi, so I met this guy more than 15 years ago hang around same group he came into where I worked pretty much everyday and I looked forward to it, one problem I just had a baby and was newly married. I felt intense strong feeling for him like I never felt idk the attraction was just giant and he laid it on quite thick. I ended up having too move,and feeling very confused I wanted my marraige to work out and knew alln this flirtings not good. but Its a feeling Ive NEVER had before. fast forward 16 years. we he “liked” one of my pics on UK insta do did I for him just that sent me over the moon butterflies. All the sudden I just cannot stop fantasizing about him. we both grow plants 1 day he asked if im still In mi and “we should hang out somtime”
    well my heart basically flipped i was so excited i was shaking

    and I cant calm my nerves around him still he just does somthing to me
    so I thought about it and ultimatly ended up going. at first it was awso.e he was staring at me complimenting me.we were romantically rubbing arms/hands (we were in car,him driving) god Now its like he got scared he honestly needs to grow up himself which I know he sees now hes almost 40 im 35 ,36 soon.

    and a bunch happened Im gerting divorced , my ex stalks/harrasses called cody when he got out of jail etc.
    and now codys been real quite.he was in jail for 3 months for skmthing dumb (which he realizes) welln he called daily somtimes 2 or 3 tin mes daily I picked him up frkm jail we spent 2 days together. he said he was really stressed which I KNOW he is
    he doesnt even really have a place to stay.

  40. I have been txt a guy for three months ,has cancelled plans to meet twice , not heard nothing for three weeks now , and has invited my messages.

  41. Agree. Bp

  42. That’s great. You had a realization as you wrote your comment, didn’t you? YES! You DO matter. Show up as your best and true self and the right men will celebrate you! Bp

  43. Thank you! it seems that the pingers in my life all come out in the spring. I have decided to take up some control of my garden instead of replying …mind you a few times (okay, maybe more than a few) I have replied, eager to hear that maybe today I actually matter and that he is on his way with everlasting love. As I typed that I realized how you truly nailed the pinger and how I need to block a few numbers on my phone and how I actually do matter and it has nothing to do with them. I really love reading what you have written. Thank you.

  44. lost his respect?

    Who wants respect from a male gigolo please we have better things to do

  45. I’ve been dating this guy for about 2 months. Things have been going great and he made it official about 1 month in. We’ve been hanging out 2-3 times a week consistently. I had to move home for 2 weeks before moving into a new apartment in the same area. This didn’t seem like too much time. We went out the night before I moved out and it’s been a week of no communication whatsoever. We were talking daily before this. I move back next weekend and don’t know if I should reach out to tell him I’m annoyed. I have no idea what to think?

  46. Like I’ve said many times in many ways…if a grownup man is interested you’d know. This guy is a pinger, And besides, texting his not dating. Remember that you don’t know him. Bp

  47. I started talking to this one guy, and then he stopped but in about 2 weeks he text me back. We were talking great and he even said he still wants me as his girlfriend, but now he only says one simple thing every night and doesn’t respond. I asked him if he wanted to keep talking, or no and he said yes. Then that same night he stopped talking again. I’m so confused what he means.

  48. I agree with BP. By the way, for my own personal growth and happiness I prefer to be around people who are honest, positive and have good hearts. I am unable to be “energized” by a pinger.

  49. Met a guy couple months ago,. We never sleep together at first he tells me 3 weeks later after I he dissapear,,he knows he wants to be with me, so comes here I go 2 work,come home and he’s gone. Don’t hear from a week later, then had left stuff T my house I didn’t think he was coming BK for them I gve stuff away. We’ll hell he came BK and found out I gave his stuff away ,3 days later he walked out and won’t speak. I’m confused

  50. Ugh Kathy, sounds like he’s just not available and that he’s trying to charm you into sticking around for when it’s convenient for him. A good man shows up! He doesn’t make those sweeping promises like ‘ I’ll never hurt you’ as you’re telling him that he’s doing just that. Based on what you’ve shared i’d tell your to RUN girlfriend. Be good to yourself, Bp

  51. Newly single. I was clear that I wasn’t ready to date really but this guy, who I’ve known since high school but we have lost touch, we are both 40…He is so unbelievably sweet and charming. Gives me a million compliments a day. Talks about our future, how amazing I am. We met once, kissed but both agreed to take it slow…I was head over heals I really thought he was the one. He will also disappear and come back with some excuse, sometimes valid, sometimes not really believable. I’ve been trying to play it really cool and not let it bother me because I’m just getting out of a 12 year relationship with kids and I don’t want to prioritize another relationship over making sure my life is in order but it hurts. I go through all the emotions of getting over him and swear I’m done but then he comes back as charming as ever and I can’t help it. He says I’m the only person he thinks about and he will never hurt me….I’m so confused and new at this and I really don’t want to be hurt. I just don’t understand how you can be so busy that you can’t respond to someone who you “think about all the time”

  52. You have nailed it! Done with my pinger. Can’t wait to not tell him lol

  53. He’s not into you. Sorry. Move on. Bp

  54. i chat a guy , 40 yrs of age , single never been married no kids for 6 months and suddenly disappeared. we never met yet but he wants to , he texted me last time like hey you , i said what then he said nevermind. i asked him why since then never replied. we never called each other or having a video call before . 5 days since he never contacted me .

  55. I think you know my answer Michaela. You two are arguing and playing games with each other. Sure doesn’t sound like you’re a good match at all. Next! Bp

  56. Hi I met a wonderful but traumatised from his nasty divorce guy last year July. Loads of chemistry we are ALWAYS really happy in each others company. After a months dating he said he was having problems with his kids. And didnt hear from him, so a couple of weeks later I went on dates. October he gets in touch I gave him the long arm treatment and eventually met up a month later in November. December January he went abroad and end of January got in touch. Gave him the long arm treatment and eventually met up in March. A big argument happened our first and he took it badly. I blocked his ass. I absolutely adore him we have a great connection we chat for many hours we understand each other. We are both our happiest in each other’s company and his friends have also pointed it out. But this disappearing and coming back has to stop. I have faithfully promised myself I will keep him blocked minimum 4 months and I am keeping to that. After 4 months I may or may not unblock him. The huge argument was about me admitting to moving on after he disappeared. He took that badly but he had also moved on briefly. Please help

  57. ”In truth, the mere fact that you put up with his nonsense is exactly why he will not move into any committed relationship with you.”

    I find that extremly UNlogical , if there is no woman who WILL keep up with his sudden come back and then ghosting again and then comes back again (on and on), then there is no woman AT ALL (unless he finds it great if a women shows no to way too little interest). So there’s basically NOBODY who he could be in a relationship with, not all men will run after you because you show him NO interest at all or only a little.

    I have a few male friends who are just like this , if a woman doesnt show enough interest (after doing exactly what you say in your text) they just cut her off and go to the next one actually , thats exactly also why i said ,then there would be nobody he’s ok with having a relationship with. No one will date anybody who shows too little interest, or not enough in the mans opinion.
    And besides those i knew many men of this kind (rarely from own experience , but i have many female friends who all had these kind of guys). Out of my male friends all are also 35-45 years old and they had no relationship at all in 8+ years , in fact they like to keep several women and just do what you mention in your blog.

    Men like this will have it hard to ever be in a relationship , and if they change ,they change very late. All men i knew or know who are like this are still single. And they all start to get older.

    One of my friends, 38 , he had no gf for 10+ years (also none of them were monogamic relationships, hes only ok with OPEN relationships so he can have sex with other women still) he does have many women who like him (a few know about it ,that he only wants open relationships ) , they find him super attractive and he likes to have theyr attention. Until know he keeps playing a lot of games with them though. There are a few who dont show him much attention ,and some do show him a lot of attention ,but he doesnt REALLY want anybody of them for something serious no matter what they do, it goes like this since many years already so its not just a short thing he does (he tells me most of his stories) .

    All in all , i DONT agree to that sentence you mentioned there at all.
    Some guys just dont want anything serious , and they do this bcs they have many women to choose from. If someone bores them they go to the next one and come BACK after when they want you again, and that goes on and on. The reasons can be very different.

  58. Hope you’ve moved on by now Marshelle! Bp

  59. I think the post answers your question, Joy. Block him. Bp

  60. Why does a man in his 70 bday continues to text me every single day at night just to say good night but that’s it. He was my fiancé and he left me for he was not ready last minute.

  61. Read the post again, my friend. I’ve given you my advice. I think it’s time to move on. Don’t you? Bp

  62. I need coaching on being played after seeing and having a relationship for 2 yrs, and continues to tell me he still wants this with me.
    But otherwise he is showing me leaving me insecure and unsure.
    He hardly text me but he will call me 2-3 times a week but not texting anymore and I see him on messenger that he is active. I’m sorry I cant help noticing.

  63. Thank you and Thank you. Truth is I was a pinger when I was younger without even knowing it. I guess it’s pingback.lol Moving On

  64. He will call four day straight then disappear for 4 days. I guess I’m guilty of doing this before. I left for a month then popped back up like hiiii. So could be payback could be he messing with someone else. Either way I’m tired of the game if u can’t call at least every other night to check on me then I’m moving on

  65. Very useful. Thank you

  66. I must say this is 100% the best way to treat this situation. Through experiences you experience growth.. no different in your romantic relationships. Sometimes you must date a pinger, to be able to fully appreciate a man who is 100% opposite.. you learn to make your list of Wants, needs and your overall type of man you wish to have a profound relationship with. I truly believe that everyone you date, meet were placed in your life to teach you something, whether you realize it subconsciously or not at the moment.. it most the time will end up resonating. It reminded me of one of the “Sex in the City”, episodes where Carrie was devestated when Mr. Bigs was being a pinger and wouldn’t define their relationship.. Charlotte innocently said “well, what if we could be soul-mates (referring to the four girls), and guys could just be there to have fun with”. Classic

  67. I agree with abc .

  68. As explained in this article, there never will be. Move on. Bp

  69. My date has been comming and going for 6 months..
    We have no commitment yet.
    Mayb there never will be.
    Trying to work out why men come and go is confusing.
    Or a totall waste of time.

  70. Hi Kelie
    This guy uoy talking about his name is Hector? Lol everything you saying you describing my boyfriend and you know he also went on a 2 week vacation to Minnesota lol

  71. Hi,
    I met a guy and our first date was special to me and we had a thing. We got physical too. Then we had second n third date. I told him that i love him. Because we both are of same age and i don’t think either of us wants to do casual stuff. Then he was going for vacations for 2 weeks. We texted a few times when he was there. He told me he can’t be in a relationship. I was heartbroken. When he came back, I decided to reach out to him. We met yesterday and we again had a thing. He told me he missed me but i am scared that was that just only because of the moment and he has nothing special for me in his heart.
    I really don’t think that I am doing justice to my heart but I really like that guy and I feel that we are made for each other.
    Yesterday, when we were together, i asked him if i can keep his tshirt and he said yes you can. But, this morning, he didn’t even text back or reply to my texts. Like nothing!!!
    I am not sure what is happening but this thing is killing me. I know he is busy in his routine but i wonder if he really wants to keep me in his life, he would have made a small effort towards it.
    I don’t want to be his booty call.
    But I don’t know what should I do.

  72. If you’re being honest with yourself, and that really enough for you, that’s great. If not, time time to think about that hat might Ben next for you. Bp

  73. My man disappears and reappears every so often. We’ve been doing this for 2 1/2 years. He always comes back. If I don’t hear from him the family usually says something and in a few hours he reply’s. I don’t know why I stay but I don’t get sad anymore I do things instead of thinking due to the doubts of him not coming back this time for good. It gets harder before it gets easier and if this is love then he’ll be back. If not I’ll get to know someone else again and not see it happening.

  74. This is why I’m drunk alone while he’s out at his buds house and will be back when he’s done

  75. If you’ve read my article you know the answer Maddie. Move on, sister. Bp

  76. There’s this guy I’ve known for years and although he broke up with me without giving me a reason he still comes back saying he thinks about me, wants to try again and says certain things just to make me happy and to seem romantic in a way. If he keeps coming back and leaving with months apart Am I being pinged? I’ve known him for so long and I know he has changed but I kept thinking that maybe he would have a change of heart but he just keeps hurting me over and over. This was my first relationship and his too, so I figured maybe it’s hard to let eachother go? But maybe that’s not the case since I’m always the one getting hurt. I always told him to be honest and upfront but he never is, I still care and love him but I think at this point I’m just being taken for granted.

  77. Just move on Nancy. No goodbyes or trying to change him or figure him out. Wasted time and energy. Bp

  78. Should you let the pinger know your onto them? I have one and you have described him perfectly. I’ve kinda taken him seriously because I’m new in the single scene, been married 21 years and have so far learned about players and pingers. Lol it’s unfortunate that people resort to being like this and find fun in it when it’s not so much fun for the one on the other end.

  79. You’re of course entitled to your opinion and you have some great points about being confident and having fun. But in the 10+ years I’ve been helping women find Their One having a pinger in their life is not anywhere near something that would work for 99%. Glad you. Women generally get too attached. But great that it can work for you. Bp

  80. *i meant to say precious time. But you get the gist!

  81. I don’t necessarily agree.

    The pinging isn’t the problem. It’s the woman who is hinging all her romantic expectations on the man.

    Think about it: if you are carefree, dating around, having fun and aiming to attract the right man for you by radiating self-confidence, having a pinger does not matter. In fact, as long as you are having a healthy and full dating life, having men who you can enjoy from time to time is a blessing.

    The thing is, these men are for fun. They are rarely if ever Mr Right. That doesn’t mean you need to sleep with them but manage your expectations around them.

    When you are carefree dating but with high standards, men will instinctively know they need to step up. And even a man who is initially a pinger (and good men can be for various reasons), if he wants to be serious with you, he will eventually step up.

    But hinging expectations on the man to be boyfriend material never works. You need to fully accept him for what he is at that time and enjoy dating others.

    By just ignoring pingers, it is actually showing you are letting them get to you emotionally when they haven’t earned your emotion. And there is an undercurrent of emotional response when people ignore others with the attitude of “well, if he’s like that then I’ll show him by ignoring him!”. That does not encourage self growth or acceptance.

    Dating is a numbers game. The idea of dating one man at a time and hoping the man of the moment is the one, is a waste of emotional energy and precious. You get to your destination faster when you maintain standards but do not force expectations.

    So instead, as long as they treat you well when they are around, enjoy the attention of pingers for what they are: to reenergise you, keep your dating skills up and have fun. Your openness to enjoy life will invite the right man in as long as you maintain good standards.

  82. Shdonna, I understand your dilemma. I have MS and had it while dating. It was something I knew I had to share with anyone I really liked. Don’t feel like this is something you need to lead with. Here is an article I wrote about how to share our “baggage” in a grownup way. Also, just know at this age we all have “something.” https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/handle-your-baggage-dating-after-40/- Hope this helps. -Bp

  83. I always have an hard time finding that right man to be with especially when I have epilepsy seizures

  84. If you’re cool just playing and being played…go for it. But I already gave you my advice, right? Bp

  85. Wow! Your talking to me here! So let me ask you this, is it possible that both people get something out of this “pinging” thing? I know I have a pinger….and what’s worse we never had a date! Been texting for months, hes dropped me a few weeks at a time and yet I respond. Why? At first I was desperate, but I soon figured it out, but since I decided not to pursue dating anyone at all (recently widowed and started dating too soon, I had already met this guy after deciding to take a break from dating) and I had already gotten to know him by text only ofcourse I figured, why not. I know this isn’t going anywhere but it kind fills a void for the time being. But when you said he lost respect for me, that struck a nerve. What should I do?

  86. This is soo good!!!
    Like literally, mhmm mhmm good! lol I love how you defined it and then truly broke it down to us in terms that we would understand. Many women go through this every day! Just sending back that signal and holding on to everything they have, in hopes that he will one day commit and love them. We will literally jump when, where, and how they say jump! Lord help us! Why do we do this?!? Why is it soo easy for women to forget that we are worth more and feel sorry for reminding a man that we are as well? Everything you said was truth and hopefully confirmation for many others.

  87. Hi Lynette. My answer is “probably.’ When we don’t have expectations of being treated a certain way and we don’t take care of ourselves by setting boundaries (while treating them kindly as well)…then the men who are jerks will take advantage. They can see us coming a mile away! I know…I was one of “those women” for a long time and I attracted all the losers and leavers. Go to my blog page and look under my “Being Your Best” category. There are many articles to help you there. here’s one to start with: https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/the-key-to-finding-love-is-believing-that-you-deserve-it/ Bp

  88. Im tired of guys just dissapearing on me, am i too nice, too available?

  89. Ok
    Ius d see a guy years ago he went back with his with years past he message me on Facebook I responded he was Divorce now and he was looking all over for me when I respond if you wanted to see me I made effort to see him in a week when I went with him he grab me he held me he touched my face and he said I love you and everything about you I love you I’m divorced now you have everything that I like your face your beauty just everything I wanna marry you I wanna be with you conclusion was we had sex and the next day we woke up it was Easter I had to go to San Diego to my children everything was great then after that I didn’t hear from him at allBut I finally got a hold of him he said he made everything he said but there was something else going on I don’t get it I’ve seen them a few times and he still tells me the same thing I’m madly in love with this guy I don’t know what to do what do I do

  90. I was dating someone for four months who I really care for deeply . We spent the first two glorious month in an amazing honeymoon bubble. At first it seemed ok. Saw each other once a week and communicated pretty often. Then he seemed to go longer and longer returning my messages. Hours , then days, then a week. I called this behavior out and said I didn’t like that and didn’t understand why it took so long to get back to someone and if he was dating others to his let me know so I can go do my thing too and not have any expectations and he asked me to be exclusive assuring me that he was really into me and wanted me to be his girlfriend. For a week or so he was super into me again! Then he disappeared for a week AGAIN and didn’t make plans to see me for three weeks. Meanwhile he was logging into social media , ignoring my messages for a week and liking literally every other woman’s photo that crossed his path. It was like the things he was telling me were who he wanted to be but his actions were who he really was. So I dumped him and told him exactly why I wouldn’t accept that kind of relationship. I’m not needy, I don’t ghost people (I think that’s low vibration behavior and avoidant) and I speak up when things aren’t working. I’m sad it didn’t work out but I’m hoping closing that door to what I don’t want will open the door to what I do want. I hope I made the right choice

  91. Beats me. I’m not a therapist. I just know it’s an answer you may never get and it doesn’t matter. Just Move On. Bp

  92. My loving one keep disappearing and reappearing .I gave him several of chances but he repeatedly did it so.I think he is mentally sick.I closed that chapter in my life thinking that relationship is not that pushed one to loneliness instead it is for to recover from it so

    Can u please inform me is it a mental illness that cause a way from loving one as he faced a truma in his life by several women?

  93. Met an old flame from 18 years ago..conversed very heavily and he stated I was meant for him because I reappeared back into his life after my divorce. He even claim that he was willing to wait on sex. After a few months of flirting, we consented to the bed. After the moment he exclaimed that he desire to wait and he would be back to help around the house. Since that night no reply or call…go figure…??

  94. Is my man a true linger? Help?

  95. Good article explaining nowadays reality!!
    The plague of these modern times due to technology.
    They just check in to have an ego boost. When you send them a message when they feel fine no answer. But ow Heck if you do not answer when they send something when they are in need of their “fix”
    I thought that grown up men would act like grown ups… well no.
    Dating was so much easier and clear in the 80’s and 90’s .
    People had to do stuff to date, call you, take you out. And yes there were also games played, but far less…
    I know there are still good men out there in the jungle.
    It is just difficult sometimes to navigatie the Amazon
    I give them 2 chances, if I notice they are pinging me, I do modern thing too: ghosting,m and I just ignore them.
    Next!

  96. I started dating this Pilot from match.com…. When he 1st came into town he met my family and my dad approved of him. He left town and I didn’t hear from him in awhile. He kept trying to say that it was me that needed to reconnect with him when I did try but I never heard anything back… I never met his family he said his job was the cause of him not being able to come in to town as often but then one time he admitted that he was seeing someone else while he was seeing me…It seems like he can’t ever disconnect himself from me and keeps trying to reach me through other social media networks. I’ve changed my number & moved. He still constantly looks me up & kept manipulating me in to giving him my new address. I’m finally to the point where I’m fed up with him constantly showing up at my place and wanting to just sleep. My plan is if he text me again I’m going to just ignore him.

  97. Im unsure, and hope im wrong. Im back to work, spend time isolating, or with my, love or pinger, im hoping im wrong,,, stil…could really use supportive friends.

  98. here’s what i do: plan of action to prevent this….if a guy i’ve seen does NOT message me and see me for 2 whole weeks……….I tell him where to go and block him. GONE. this cuts out any orbiters and men thinking they can just take off and come back when they feel fit. I used to be that girl now I call the shots, I have standards and I REFUSE to be someone’s piece of meat they can come and nibble at when hungry and take off again until starving again. They are either in my life and active or out. No ifs or buts. So, 14 days and I’ve reached out maybe once, and if we chat, ok…but if he says he’s too busy or I haven’t met up in 14 days, I’m gone………boy bye! NEXT!

  99. because people, not necessarily you but other people catch feelings for the other person and when the person on the end of that attachment abuses this by coming and going and using them for sex it hurts the one with feelings. If both like in your situation are happy to just hookup when wanting sex once now and then that’s great but for most people it is not the correct way to treat someone. For me if i have a FWB i like them to at least say hello how are you? once a week or fortnight at least and see me once or twice a fortnight, I feel it is rude behavior to just take off for weeks or months at a time, even if once every month or two we chat for a day, it is still not what i call a proper friendship or relationship of any kind,it’s just B.S behaviour. But you are obviously happy so great for you, but most of us don’t and shouldn’t want to put up with that orbiting B.S

  100. If you read the article it gives you the answer. Bp

  101. He date and know me through facebook. Our first date is watching movies.. It continues for 4 date in a month.. Then he stop date me for 2 months but keep texting me 1-2 times a week.. After 2 months, he date me again continuous for 4 date in one and half months.. Then stop again date me.. Even I asking him out, he will give excuse to rejected me.. Are this guy’s serious with me or just pass his time or else?

  102. Bullshitting is the key word here. Sounds like it’s all on his terms. Think about that. Bp

  103. I’ve been going out with this guy for 2 months. We constantly talk throughout the day. Sometimes he’d show up unannounced at my place but we don’t have sex (we actually haven’t yet though I really really want to lol). Sometimes he’d stay for coffee, but sometimes we’d only talk for a couple of minutes then he’d leave to go home. His work is approximately 2 hours away from me and his house is also 2 hours away so I don’t really know if he’s bullshitting me with all the coming over for 5 minutes or if he just dropped by before going to see someone else nearby hmmm who knows? Recently he’s been disappearing for like a day a week and then tell me he forgot to charge his phone so he wasn’t able to message. I don’t really know what’s up. I’ve been so paranoid lately.

  104. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. At first things were great but then all of a sudden lately he’s been distancing himself more and more. He don’t text me or call and I hardly ever see him but when I do its only long enough to have sex then he leaves right after. I’ve tried telling him its over but he take me serious. I keep hoping things will get better but they don’t. I’m not sure what to do or why he’s treating me like this.

  105. I read your responses and you are so right. I had a similar experience with someone…I am a divorced mom of 2, I am 38 years old. I met this guy online and talked for like a week, then we met and it was perfect connection, we started going out on regular basis. He would sometimes like every 2 or 3 weeks kind of disappear on me, telling me that this weekend or this day he wanted to his aunt’s house and visit and stay over or he would fly to NYC to see his parents or he would have business trips or he just said he would be working until late and when I called him he wouldn’t answer, then next day just tell me that he went to bed tired and didn’t feel like talking. he met my kids and all and he was really attentive to us and commitment when he was with us but I always had that feeling inside of me that he was seeing someone and that he had women over at his apartment because I would find feminine items but he would just tell me that he likes to have stuff around just in case his cousins or any female family member stayed over, then they will have it in case. after 8 months, one night after o few drinks I checked his phone, I know its wrong but I had to, I just had enough doubts, and I was right, I saw text from two women. That told me it is enough and I broke up with him right away even though the following week there was a trip planned and paid for, for the 4 for us to take and one next month to NYC. I still took the trip with my kids and I feel like everything he said, did or planned with us was a lie. I miss him but I also feel free and better yet my kids are okay as they were not that attached to him. Hence, my dog never liked him…Go figure!!

  106. I used to crush on this guy in college and eventually we got to talking and I really really liked him. He had a gf at the time and once I found out I stopped reaching out. Through the past 4 years I’d say we would catch up once in a while like every few months however many times he’d just ignore me or claim he’s a bad texter. A year ago he confessed that he likes and always has even when he was with his ex-girlfriend.. I confessed I liked him to and we spent a dreamy 2 weeks together and I got to meet his family to.. he claimed I was the one for him and how he was going to marry me and yeh after meeting his parents he stopped replying to me for a whole 3 months.. we had once convo after and then again I didn’t hear from him in months… he reached out to me again and wanted to meet up & I agreed .. he cancelled on me on the day claiming that his life was a mess at the time and didn’t want to get me involved lol.. he always used to say this too and I got sick of hearing it. I told him to stop contacting me because im tired of it all. He tried and I ignored. Eventually it reached a point where he’d call non stop and text me for hours straight and it worsened my anxiety at the time. I still ignored and blocked him off everything. Months passed and he made a fake account to reach out to me again and I got a friend to message him telling him to stop.. at this point he still claims I’m the one and that he can’t lose me cause it will be a loss for him mostly lol he’s very manipulative. After that I’ve not heard from him, yet I’m still expected something .. my mind always bounces back to him

  107. Lol!!! Like exactly. Plus not all men have true narcissist personality DISORDER. It’s much more serious than being considered any guy that pings.

    Btw- this is brilliant . I love the definition of pinger, it is spot on with the situation you are talking about here.

    I found a quote on Instagram and i now have it as the background on my phone to help remind me :

    “Just when you start to realize he doesn’t like you, he’ll make you think he does…only because he knows he can.”

    And it’s like clockwork- almost uncanny how I will get a text from him randomly after he slow fades & it’s so obvious now. So so so so so so obvious. So although it sucks, I have accepted nope, not him. I don’t wonder or ask my friends what they think this means or that means. It’s just a fact.
    Sucks, but Ima keep my pride and not accept less than what I deserve – what we ALL deserve . For me, it’s still so much easier said than done. Occasionally, I’m reminded of this little light of hope in the back of my mind and I am fighting it. I think of him less and less each day.

    Thanks for your insight ❤️❤️ This needs to be read by anyone male or female experiencing slow fade bread crumb BS.

  109. Have a guy like this. I am not looking for serious relationship and he isn’t either. I am not seeing him as somebody whom I would commit to or bring into my life for various reasons, but things are hot between us when we see each other and I like our connection. It is rare.

    Last time he was making such a mess with meet, I basically gave him two dates to chose from. He showed up just so I don’t ghost him and cut him off. He knows very little a
    details of my personal life but he knows a lot who I am as a person.

    He is what he is. And there are no expectations he will be more. What I get, when I get it, is great. Not waiting around for him. Life goes on, somebody will come along that will make this guy disappear at some point. Meanwhile ego boost and fun I get is good enough. From him. Nothing more. No expectations. Not waiting for his messages. When I want to hear from him I text him, he replies always. When he wants to hear me, he does the same.

    Why cut the relationship off just because you aren’t getting what you want if it is not stopping you from searching for that something you do want? Relationships are fluid and help us self discover. Putting labels on them will keep us from getting stuff we didn’t know we might get.

    This guy changed my DNA in a way, but I never wanted to have a future with him.

  111. Nice article. I’ve been going out with someone for 6 months right now. We both met at the parking lot at work and so it happens we are neighbors at work. We both were just getting out of a hectic relationship. We went out had sex. We have sex once or twice a week. We see each other at work but then he cools off till next week. Seeing him so extremely sexually active, I have my doubts he is seeing someone else. I told him that sexually I’m exclusive for him and that I hope that for respect to me and himself he does the same. He never asks me about my work children or anything our conversations are all about sex. What is really going on here?

  112. Yes I call them tomcats. They show up out of nowhere, perfectly groomed, handsome, overly friendly and say all the right things to win you over. They stay and get fat and then up and leave just as quickly as they arrived.

  113. Don’t unblock him ever again, ok? You know what you need to do to take care of yourself and, as a grownup, you’re responsible for doing so. Don’t blame him. He’s just doing what you’re allowing him to do. Move on, my friend. Bp

  114. Good…dump their ass! Next! Bp

  115. I have two pingers in my life sometimes we go up two to three months without talking I been like this with for two years. I just realize that neither of them are going to commit . I even try the no contact technique. But I gave up. I just block them both from social media and my cell phone

  116. I came across a guy on a dating app, a month back. He’s a doctor. We havent met in real for now. We chatted alot for hours on the first day itself and then he called me, confessing that he really adores me. He confessed I love You on the second day which was quite eccentric but I went with the flow cause I really liked him. Not to forget, I am 20 and he’s 7 years older than me. He started calling me regularly and tried to have fun on calls as well(nasty one) and I didnt object much to it cause I was also into him. But, after a week, he started disappearing….not texting for 5 days or even a week straight and then when I whine or go away, he casually sends a text or an I Love You which melts me. The signs are crystal clear, I even caught him using that dating up despite of being with me but he retorted that it’s a fake profile which was a hard pill to swallow. I completely understand that he’s in a really busy profession with 24 hour shifts and everything but not contacting me for days in a row and being active on social apps all the freaking while makes me go crazy. Due to this, i even deactivated all my social media cause watching him being active and not contacting me used to hurt me alot. As of now, it’s like when he doesn’t contact for days, I try to cheer myself up and get over the shit to move on. When I am trying to get over it and start being happy, he repears all of a sudden saying I love you which is very absurd. I know he is a player but what astounds me is that a person with such a high regard profession is a saga boy in his personal life. It’s hurtful. I have blocked him a couple of times as well to keep toxicity at bay but everytime I unblock him impulsively after wailing and missing him so badly. He is too busy to even noticed that I had blocked him a couple of times. But, after reading this write up of yours, I feel a lit better and now, I am determined that I wont revert whenever he tries to contact. Karma is there to screw such guys.

  117. Literally got a text from a guy who swears he wants to be with me but keeps disappearing on me. He reached out again since about 4 months ago. This is our 4th go round with
    the same crap

  118. Hello, I would like to hear your opinion about my situation. Firstly,sorry for my bad English (still learning)
    I met this guy from tinder we are both 25, he super like me and message me first. We talk a little bit in there then move to snapchat. We have conversations almost everyday mostly just teasing each other, but when i tried to asking about himself like what is his job, his answer always be “I work on base” never specifically mentioned what kind or when i asked “How’s work?” He only said its just work. Also he never ask me anything too. Been like that for 3 months without him or me mentioned about meeting up. And he keep says he likes me already even we have never met. He said he doesn’t know why but he just likes me.
    Suddenly, he out of no where texted me “I wish i could meet you one day”
    But that time i was out if the town so i said we can meet up when i get back there and we agreed to meet on the day i get back in town because he have to fly to LA for 3 weeks for work in the next day. However things happened i was sick 2 days before my flight. When im on the plane its hurt my ears so bad i remembered i was crying on the plane. After landing i texted him said im here and i just wanna tell him thats my ears hurt. But he misunderstood and thought I was flaked on him because i needed rest! He doesn’t texted me back for 2 days. Then he texted said he have made it to LA safe so i explained to him about what happened, he seems to understand and said its ok. So we started texting everyday again along with him starting to call me baby, boo and babe. Yes, I got my hopes up of maybe he is really into me? But then he disappeared. Im so confused and frustrated. 2 days later he said “Im back now and I really want and can’t wait to finally meet you!” But makes no plan
    So, Im the one whose asked him if he wanna grab coffee on the weekend. He then said he doesn’t like coffee. So we changed to restaurant instead, but on last minute he said he have to work extra hour so he can’t make it would i mind to go for late night movies? Thats fine for me. He told me its will feels wired to come picked me up because its too soon, can we meet at the theater?
    When he showed up he awkwardly hug me and say hi, I can tell he looks really shy (he mentioned before that he’s really shy person) He paid for movie tickets and I paid for drinks and popcorn. The movie went well we teased each other all the time like we did through texts. By the time movie almost end he then hold my hand. After that he walked me to my car and hug me again but he didn’t let me go. We ended up have a long passionate made out. My friends throw a party that day and i invited him but he said he’s too shy to meet lots of new people and said next time. So I said goodbye to him then texted him that I feel really good to finally meet him. He said he really do enjoyed being with me… And i never heard from him again for 3 days now.
    I really don’t understand what’s happening between us. Did i do or said something that turn him off?
    Ps. He’s my first American guy i have talk to. So I don’t have much experience. Is this the way he said he doesn’t like me in person??

    Thank you so much

  119. Om my,Kristy…this guy sounds like a shit show! At least his life does. Why would you want to stick with this? I suggest you ask yourself that question and explore the answer. Why are you settling for absolute crumbs? Hugs. Bp

  120. I’ve been with K for a year now and we’ve had our ups and downs in the last few months because of this he blames it on his new job it takes him out of town a lot, his 5 kids from his ex wife, I’ve helped him out of financial debt due to a mistake he had made he went to jail for 90 days, I talked to his aunt every day then and now everything has stopped except when he’s around the area. I tried to move on but then he sent flowers and a card saying he missed me. He used to tell me he was moving in but with child support and an ex wife breathing down on him it’s like he can’t get a head. I’m at my end thinking I can do better but I love him met him after my divorce and we’ve taken things serious and slowly because we’ve both had bad issues with ex’s. I just don’t wanna lose out on love he says he loves me but money is important right now. I told him do what you have to do and we’ll see if I’m available in the future. I just hate being hurt when he leaves me hanging for weeks at a time and then magically shows up.

  121. I have had this experience. I do not consider anybody who does this “my man”. I can think of somebody I dated a few years ago who told me he was not sure what he wanted and I found out he wanted somebody else. He still sends me a text or email once in a while I assume he does this when he is having a rough spot in his current relationship and wants some validation. I ignore it and do not respond. Another person who said he wanted a relationship until he did not want a relationship also sends me a text once in a while the first few times I was dumb and I responded because I had some very naive idea he wanted to reconnect. Then I realized again he wanted validation and knew that at one piont I had feelings I had expressed. I stopped responding.

    A friend of mine went out with who she thought was a pretty nice guy a few times. He abruptly told her a woman he had been in a relationship with who ended thing sover religious differences changed her mind so he decided he would give her another chance. We both think this man will show up again as a pinger if things do not work out.

    The only problem I have with this issue is wondering if I am putting out some kind of signal or vibe that tells men I have dated that is is okay for them to try and touch base or get a reaction from me. It initially angered and upset me. Now it does not. I do not wish any ill will upon anybody I have dated in my post divorce era but I do not want to connect with them again either.

  122. Okay here it is straight: First, why are you believing someone who says that after just messaging with you? He doesn’t even know you. Second, why would you be hurt over a nasty man leaving you? You should be thanking him. He’s one of those few assholes.
    This is the time to grab your grownup girl, my friend. I hope you explore these two points before your next foray into dating and getting attached to any guy. Bp

  123. I was messaging a guy online for quite a while. He was telling me he had feelings for me, he loved the person l was, I’m his girl. Although her never meet me in person or even talk on the phone! After several attempts at trying to get him to meet me in person, l told him l didn’t think he was the person he’d led me to believe. He was so nasty to me, it still hurts but l think he was either playing me and or in a relationship and using me as an ego boost. Still hurts

  124. Perfect timing

  125. I’m so glad I could help, Zina! In the wind, baby!!! Good learning for the future, right? Hugs. Bp

  126. Martie, my friend, Run do not walk away. I can come up with a lot of theories about what this may be but none of them make him look anything like a man who could make you a good partner. He’s playing with you. And after you leave, give some thought to why you put up with his really bad behavior. Do some research on this. Get some help. That way you won’t repeat it. (Been there,btw. No stones being thrown here.) Hugs. Bp

  127. You’ve cleared a lot up for me about a present relationship. Several years ago, a guy I hadn’t seen in years and who I never dated when I did know him all those years ago, suddenly asks to friend me on Facebook. He’s very good looking, very charming, and I know he has lots of women interested in him. But as we got re-aquainted he started calling me everyday, then wanted to come visit (he lives out of state). That escalated into what I thought was becoming a serious relationship, but then the disappearing act started. At first, I didn’t think much of it because he travels a lot on business. And I wasn’t sure I wanted to get too involved anyway. But it was long after that he had my heart and he knew it. Then he started pulling away. I never bothered him. I always let him call me. I’m old fashioned that way. Experience years ago taught me that men don’t respect women who “chase” them. Anyway, he came for one of his visits recently, we had a great time I thought. He left and the n ext day sent me a text telling me he missed me. I responded that I missed him too and then no response from him at all. Nothing. After a week of silence I texted and asked if he was ok. No response. A couple days later I called him. He sounded aggravated and said, “I’m fine. I just talked to you last week.” What really gets me is I was perfectly content in my single life (I’m over 50) and I wasn’t looking for a new relationship, but he chased me and wore me down. I fell in love against my better judgement and now he’s in the wind. What a crappy thing to do. Thanks for your article. It has saved me a lot future heartache.

  128. My guy is great all week, then disappears every weekend as soon ad he leaves work on Fridays. I let him have it and stopped communication for 3 months. He text this week. I received him and Friday hes gone. No change.

  129. You answered your own question Maggie. why keep on reaching out if he doesn’t care ??? Bp

  130. Omg!! I recently met a guy like that .. we met at the gym .. starring at each other for months , before he came up .. than started seeing each other .. but very weird the whole thing … so we hang out , have fun and than he doesn’t contact me for 2 weeks … but we see each other at the gym .. there was a time when he wouldn’t even say hi to me and times when he saw me at the gym and would start calling me on phone and texting .. so weird … now we didn’t talk for like over a week but 2 days ago he sends me some stupid video through Instagram… i didn’t reply or anything.. I’m so done … why keep on reaching out if he doesn’t care ???

  131. I know it’s hard to release yourself from a guy who’s been in your life for so long but you need to do that for yourself, right? Next step is to delete him from your phone and block him, girlfriend. Dating doesn’t have to be depressing Tricia unless you make it that way. You can choose to make good decisions and take care of yourself instead of allowing a man like this to take over your life. Keep learning, you’ll get there. Bp

  132. I’ve never heard the term “pinger” until today. My term for this type of person is “user”. I’m still trying to get over one that kept me on the line for four years. I fell hard for him. And it has taken a lot for me to see who he truly is. I have him listed as “user” in my phone. The things I tolerated from him, I drop another guy for the first sign I see. Dating in this era is really depressing.

  133. Thank you for this and yes I have been pinged. SMH lesson learned

  134. Um, yah. That was my advice. Thanks for the additional info. Bp

  135. Dear Datelikeagrownup,

    What you’re referring to as “pinging” is a manipulation technique better known as “hoovering”, practiced by narcissists, and persons with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Do not engage with these people. They will suck you dry emotionally and can be dangerous. Whoever is commenting here or asking for advise. Run in the opposite direction. Don’t waste your time.

  136. This is amazing

  137. Sorry girlfriend but this guy is not that into you. A man who is interested wants to BE with you; Not text you. Please move on and take your time to learn how to spot a man who is worth your time. He is not. Hugs. Bp

  138. Dear bobby, I started talking to my sons football coach a little over a month ago. I knew him for a few years prior just as my sons coach. I’m divorced, over 10 yrs. he over 4. He said he left his wife because she cheated on him and he got married for the wrong reasons.. anyways, we initially started out talking, got along well, he took me out once , had a good time. We were both very attracted to each other and sparks flew. I saw him a few times afterwards , basically just a few hrs of intimacy and closeness. Eventually we ended up in bed once. Well this man is a texter, he texts me every day good morning beautiful, I can’t wait to see you again, I can’t get you off my mind, etc. well his job takes him traveling in the states and he is gone quite a bit. When he is home on the weekends, he lives 5 minutes away from me, any plans we make , over texting are usually foiled, by him. He does have other responsibility. I know as do I with family. His kids are grown and out, min are still all minors. This whole pinging and texting is new to me and personally I told him initially I rather talk, find texting impersonal for main firm of communication. He has sent me 151 texts over a28 day period. Anyways last week I told him on the phone how I felt about him , I thought he was a great guy and I liked everything about him but didn’t want to pressure him or push him away . He told me n the recent past he was nervous about his feelngs after we were intimate. So after I told him I was so into him all he said was wow, and that he appreciates my comments about not pressuring him. He has since left for vegas for a week long work convention and I have heard nothing from him , no texts, no calls. No good morning hellos. I am so confused and heartbroken . I feel crazy , should I try to contact him or just walk away.. in words on a screen I am always in his mind and he’s so adoring, outside of that I feel like I’m last. I feel so stupid also. This is my first dating exp. after my divorce, it took me yrs to get to this point. What should I do. Ty.

  139. More about pinging please.

  140. I think my article told you what I make of that, Lara. If a guy loves you he doesn’t disappear over weekends. But I think you already know that. 🙂 Bp

  141. Hi Bobby I met this amazing guy 8 months ago on a dating site,we met in person n immediately started a relationship,he adores my two kids but he is broke n likes asking me to help him out,but then he occasionally just disappears the whole weekend n he does not answer or return my calls that whole weekend and the last time we talked it was friday when he told me he loves me and then he resurfaces on monday or tuesday,what do i make of tha?

  142. Hi Marissa,

    I have an absolutely the same situation what you’ve described! He promises me absolutely the same things! But nothing ever happenes and I had a suspicion that he is talking to other women as well! I’m curious if this guy lives in Monaco? Are you still in contact with him? An Italian guy M?

  143. Sorry but you’re being pinged. He obviously enjoys you but if he was interested in anything ‘real’ he wouldn’t be disappearing whenever he feels like it. Move on, Kimberly. Find a Real Man who cares for you and treats you like the special woman you are. Bp

  144. Hi Bobbie,

    Loved the article! But HELP!

    I’m 33. Met a guy last summer. We went on one date and the next date it was a movie at his place. Enjoyed both evenings and went home. After that we texted only for a while but I became very busy in my career and the texting stopped for 8 months. 8 month and no communication. So then 8 months later he hit me up. Invited me out to dinner and to meet up at his house. I got there late so we ordered in and watched a movie. It was a very intimate night, and later sex. Of course afterwards, I felt a connection because I had not received pure intimacy in such a long time and to add he’s actually a good catch. I think I began to act a little needy through texting because at that point I wanted to know what his intentions were. He began responding to my text messages hours later and then went 2 days not texting at all. So I didn’t contact him either. Then 2 days later he began texting again with simple messages like…hey, how is your day going? and telling me about what was going on with his job. Never asking me on another date, never calling for a phone conversation, and never inquiring to know more about me. However, for me it was ‘mixed signals’ because yet and still here he was still texting. I called one night and he didn’t answer the phone. So I texted him and told him…I give up. Now I’m just waiting to see if he starts chasing me or responds in any way. It has only been 2 weeks since we began communicating again but I’m so confused. It’s either he’s running because it seems that I’m chasing him or he’s just pinging.

  145. Hi Marissa, If he’s really interested and looking for a real relationship he would see you in person. I wouldn’t waste time and energy on him unless he steps up to come see you. Move on to a man who really cares and wants what you want, ok? Hugs. Bp

  146. That’s a good point, thanks. You seem to know how a good man shows up. It’s so freeing, isn’t it? When he’s not for you, move on. No drama, just Next! I’m glad that you have found how to take care of yourself this way. And glad you’re here! Bp

  147. Hi Bobbi

    Great article on pinging! I would love to hear your thoughts on my situation.

    This guy and I had met through work and we’ve been texting everyday for several months now. We live in different cities, 8 hours flight apart.

    Lately, though we still text everyday, the frequency and quality of interaction had dropped. I’m not sure whether to attribute this to his work as he just changed job and work keeps him busy.

    His job requires him to travel often. He did ask me to come visit him or join him on work trip and spend weekend together (offered to cover my travels as he earns alot more). But I felt that as a gentleman, it would be ideal for him to make the first move to visit me at my city as a sign of his commitment. Thereafter, I wouldnt mind travelling to meet him. Although he keeps saying over text that we should meet and on several occasions even planned to come to my city (he suggested exact dates but trip never happened), I dont feel that this is concrete enough if he genuinely likes me. Not sure if he might be stringing me along or really busy?

  148. Usually this is true unless perhaps he is a widowed father to small children. When I was first widowed I was truly so consumed with caring for my infant child alone that some days by the time I had a second to text back I fell asleep or it was too late to call or contact my date. Then often the men did not want to go out with my child and so often my sitter canceled last minute or my child got sick….my heart was broken each time I could not go out due to responsibility of parenting. So please make sure you know the situation.

    However I have been pinged! Men don’t bond like us and are OK with sex with many, etc….until they know they meet their soul mate. I have been hurt holding on, only to be dumped. Also if man really cares he will be OK with you and your child! I had situations where they would go out without me to singles events that did not allow children on days I could not find a sitter. I look back and now clearly see this was not a man really into me!

  149. Ok, Lynne, this guy is a pinger. It had nothing to do with you offering up a date. He asked you for geez sake! Don’t waste one more minute trying to figure him out. He’s not worth your time or energy. So…here’s my magic word: NEXT! Don’t give him another thought. Find a man who shows up and does what he says he’s going to do. Don’t you deserve that? Bp

  150. Hi Bobbi,

    I got a question. I was talking onine to this guy whom I had had a date with. I thought the date went ok because he texted me for 2 weeks after that but he didn’t set up another date with me. Then for three months I didn’t hear back from him, until suddenly one dat he started texting me again and then he said he wanted to go eat at this restaurant in the area and asked if I would like to go to. So I said yeah and then he told me to pick a day and I told him this Thursday, and then he started talking about other stuff. So I asked him if this Thursday was ok, and then he said, well I don’t know if I want to go or not. Why would he try to set up a date, and then, when I agree to go and say yes, he then turns around and backs out? That sort of thing is confusing. It makes me not want to say when the next guy asks me out because I would think he would back out if I come up and say yeah.

  151. Yah, Sophie, unfortunately, technology helps encourage this. I”m really glad you’re here! I get asked if it’s “okay” for women under 40 to be here. Heck yes!! I want to help any woman – of any age – who wants to find grownup love. Bp

  152. Hi Bobby,

    I am a 33 year old still trying to find true love. I have found your blogs and your advice to be very helpful. Many of the dating truths you’ve mentioned hold-up regardless of age groups. I thinking pinging is becoming much more common with more people dating online.

  153. Hi Diane, I want to hug you for doing what you did! Congratulations. You took care of yourself and, I agree, his response speaks volumes. He isn’t able to/willing to make real connection or commitment. Here’s an article for you to help you grab the learning that’s waiting for you. This will ultimately be a good experience for you. Good move, sister. Bp
    https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/how-to-get-over-your-ex-heal-broken-heart

  154. Very good advice, Lara. Thanks so much for sharing it. Yes, when we fall we can get pretty silly. And yes, the inner work is what it’s mostly about. Big Hugs, Bp

  155. Hell no, they don’t need to be cruel! That’s awful and I’m sorry…about your husband too. You’re meeting the wrong men, my friend. There are so many good men out there. Are you a member of my Grownup Girls’ Night Out group? I do free webcasts each month. Register for free and let me help you feel better about yourself and find these nice men who will appreciate you (once you appreciate yourself). No more nonsense, I agree. Hope you join us. Hugs. Bp

  156. I’m SO happy that you’re here Stephanie. I’m really proud of you for dumping your pinger! And be sure to watch this month’s GGNO. You should have an email in your inbox with the link. It is absolutely NOT too late for you, sister. Stick with me. I’m happy to be able to help you get there. 🙂 We’ll do it together. Bp

  157. Joan we had some issues with our new website but links are working! Hope you come back and try again. Carolin (for Bp)

  158. Hi Valerie, You’re not going to like my answer, but it’s my job to be honest: I think he’s married. Can’t be sure, of course, but here’s what I can be sure of: an available man will drive to see you. His defensiveness at your suggestion to be creative so you can see each other raises red flags, in particular. If he was serious about you as a potential long-term mate, he would be spending as much time as possible with you. It’s not pinging, girlfriend. I’m afraid it’s lying. I don’t often go “here” and I hope I’m wrong. But, look, it’s not like he lives that far away. Giant. Red. Flags. And even if he’s not in a relationship, I still want you to find someone who is available to spend time with and get to know. Move on. Here’s an article that will help: https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/is-he-into-me

  159. Bobby

    I have never written to anyone on any website and here I am writing to yours twice in a day . Desperate measures ? I do feel love it out of reach for me by now (45) and I have lost lost hope to ever find that man .

    BUT in the last webcam video I watched (4 good things and 4 bad things about a guy ) you talked about the “pinger ” and I had just written goodbye to my own pinger ! I felt rejected and disappointed and still do but also empowered to have spotted him straight away and told him to disappear . Your video and the way you say “hello beautiful ‘” “how is your day ” made me laugh between my tears . It is sooo true! My god that means here are many pingers around ?! And technology (texts and WhatsApp in particular ) make it easier .

    I think the attractiveness of your site and advice is the honesty and reality of it – we have all been there .

    I do hope we will get where you are too…

    Warm wishes Bobby

  161. Femitype #6: The Sexpot: “attracts the Cads, the Sharks and the Pingers..

    Do you have more advice on this, or was it a one liner?
    I am a Tango Diva, and my sensuality is as present as my sense of humor and strong boundaries.
    I still get blind sided sometimes .
    The last relationship seemed present and generous with what I needed, and recently started to cancel out last minute on promises made. He ‘s disappeared just before a vacation, and finishing a project he was helping me with.
    Argh.

  162. The link to this is broken…

  163. Hi Bobbi, I loved your talk on pinging and it makes so much sense! I also need your advice… I met a great guy online but he lives 3.5 hrs away. We started talking last November. We met face to face in February when he was in my town for work. Twice he drove back for the day and we spent the afternoon talking and getting to know one another. We text everyday and talk several times a week but the last time we saw each other was a month ago. I’ve expressed a desire to see him and willingness to be creativity in how we connect with your coaching on sharing what I need. He seemed a little defensive at my suggestion. His suggestions for getting together fit around his work schedule back to my city which would be late eve connection or are in conflict w/ my travel schedule I had shared. I will probably decline the offer to see him while he’s here for work b/c the time doesn’t put me at my best so it will be a good 2 months before its possible we see each other again. Is this just miscommunication and busy schedules or intense pinging? I’m I expecting some ‘integration’ and pritorizing seeing one another too early?

  164. Yep, what Nia says. He is not a “Keeper”. no matter what he’s telling you, his actions say otherwise

  165. I’ve had that happen too. I had to learn the hard way. It really hurts. Now that I’m 47/older I just rather be alone. I’m tired of the dating scene. I had a great husband but he died. I miss love but I just feel my heart can’t take anymore rejection or non sense. The men are mean and disrespectful, pinging, cheating and tell me I’m ugly, fat and not good enough. They don’t need to be cruel.

  166. I think it’s good to separate fact from fantasy and to ask questions. I think that it means that you aren’t dating and looking properly and doing inner work if you become consumed and obsessed by men like this. I think that it’s also good to tell friends and family that you want reality checks and honesty from them in order to get a better relationship. There is also such thing as plausible deniability. You might be making things out to be significant but in fact, they are minor things that need no real effort on his part like putting milk in your coffee and he will look at you as if to say ‘what are you talking about? You think we’re serious and have got something going on?!’ Putting your life on hold is never good. Time also flies and you could lose your best years for finding a proper life partner. I am only saying this because I am prone to crushes and being drawn in by men who aren’t going to give me anything. Yes it’s harsh but it’s true.

  167. Just before Thanksgiving I let a long term guy know I would no longer see him. It was with huge difficulty because I loved this man, but over the several years he was on/off. I finally acknowledged to myself he was seeing me not because he loved me but because it was nice and he could stay over. I believe he cared about me in a way, but I realized I wanted more and he was never going to give it. It was devastating to do that and I have been hugely sad since, but when I told him I would no longer see him he was very nice and complimentary but every communication stopped, a huge sign for me. I struggle with the memory of him and my lingering feelings but know I did the right thing.

  168. I’m so happy to know my work is helping you cut through the crap and make good decisions for yourself. Glad you’re here! Bp

  169. I love to hear your advice re all of the above Bobbi. It is so matter of fact and cuts through all the C____. which i appreciate . We women can waste so much of our time and life energy on men who are just playing with us and our energy. We need to take back our own energy.

  170. BP I need advice pls my situation is causing anxiety.

  171. I certainly understand how frustrated you feel, Debbie. Been there. If you’ve read my book, I talk about the three epiphanies that led me to make the shifts that changed my life. One of the epiphanies: That it was all about ME! So…good for you for getting there. I mean it. It’s a really big step forward. You’re on your way. 🙂
    I don’t know enough (yet) to give you an answer, but here are some resources to get you started:
    Here are a couple things you can read:
    My ebook “7 Secrets to Finding Love After 40”
    How to get my personal, 1-1 support
    Why Needy Women Attract the Nice Guys
    Why You Keep Attracting Narcissists and Jerks

  172. Oh my word! This sums up someone who was “pinging” me for two years up to end of last year. It’s him! However I’d known him for two years before that as platonic friends and so thought I was safe!
    So I moved on and in January I hooked up with a guy I had met skiing, b he’s French, I’m English and live in our respective countries). Had a good three months, visiting each other at weekends, in touch by text, post etc., then he told me his heart was hard and he couldn’t continue.
    Started seeing a guy in August having met online, we had lots in common ski, sail (in fact did a course together), talked about doing stuff like holidays etc, travel. But he was still in marital home and new to (online) dating … almost 3 months in, This is his text:
    Debbs You are right. I am at the moment messed up in my mind. I’m at a crucial point in my divorce and at the same time felt I was getting more seriously involved which at this stage I find difficult to deal with, I feel like I’m very volatile . You are a wonderful lovely woman and I just want to say I’m sorry as you deserve so much better.
    What on earth am I doing wrong, they’re all different other than realising it must be me!
    Debs UK

  173. Hello he may or may not have mental issues but just to let you know he has a wife or girlfriend that’s why he disappears

  174. Hi,
    I was wondering if you could help me with something.
    I am 24 and this guy is about 28, we started talking on eharmony back in 2013, and I didn’t meet him straight away cause i wanted to get to know him a little better before hand. Anyways, time went by and we didn’t end up meeting because of personal issues he has had with bipolar and at the time anytime he disappeared i continually thought it was something i did and soon learnt that he had these emotional issues to deal with. Anyways, years have gone by and i still find him appearing and disappearing every 6 months or so. It still doesn’t bother me as much as it used too because i know he has issues and he has tried to get help, and i just figured the more i stay away and let him deal with his stuff then it would just be for the best. But this time, he has reappeared and I’m finding myself wanting to meet him just as friends so this whole appearing and disappearing thing doesn’t keep happening. There was never time i didn’t want to meet him- I always have but was unsure of how stable he is with his issues. I have noticed though he disappears when his issues seem to be on the high and it’s just easier to stop communication. He says he feels bad when it happens- but still does it anyway? I get that it doesn’t excuse the behaviour, and I’d like to think i’m not allowing him to keep coming and going cause I think he is aware of how it annoys me but it doesn’t bother me because we have never met, so it’s like i can’t be affected by something that’s not even in person. I have told him that i would still like to meet as friends but am worried if we keep talking he will disappear again.

  175. Hi Feisty, Sorry to say but your man has moved on and, yes, he’s pinging you. The chance of a long-distance relationship like this succeeding is very slim. His disappearance over time tells me that he doesn’t have the commitment to trying to make this work. I’d move on as well. Best to you. Bp

  176. Hi Bobby,
    I’m so unsure if I met a pinger or not. We met online, at the very beginning, we texted and flirted with each other almost everyday. He is American and I’m Asian. After a month later, he got a chance to come to my city for few days and then we finally figured out the time to meet up. On a first date, we went out for dinner and drink. Second date, we spent a day on the beach which I do enjoy very much although he’s quietly disappeared in my life lately.
    After we met up in my city, we kept communicating with each other everyday although with 7 thousands miles between us and a huge time difference. We worked out the timeschudle to text and did FaceTime at weekend for the first 2.5 months. The memory was sweet and I did enjoy to chat with him as he’s funny, sense of humor and always make me smile when read his messages. Then I decided to take a leap to come visit him from other side of the world. After spent two weeks with him in his country, I found that he was quietly disappeared in my world after I came back to my city. First was few message in a week, no more FaceTime, then was one to two message in two to three weeks. He said he was busy at work all the times, I sort of got the feeling either he might be having a tough time at work, or dating other girls in town, or he lost interest in me. I tried few times to ask time to define our status but seemed that he didn’t want to move on or commit anything but he would say although we lived far apart from each other he won’t consider as a deal breaker. Hence, I’m confused and always wanted to believe him, he might be too busy at work and no time to think of romance. He has been quietly disappeared in my world over 3 months, every time when I wanted to give up and move on, the I would receive his message. What shall I do? Need some advice as this is my first time to date with the American guy.

  177. Hi Tracy! If it’s just been a short time he may just be busy, like he said. You can respond to one of his texts with something like “I’d like to get to know you better. I find phone or in person works better than texting. Are you game? Here’s my number. Hope that works for you.”
    One more thing: Never let a man you hardly know (like this guy) haunt you in any way. Not a good use of your energy, right? Hugs, Bp

  178. Hi Bobbi,
    I believe that I may have found a pinger and, yes, what I realize is that I really REALLY like the “idea” of him based on the few times we have spent together. Like all your other examples, he started out great but over the past week he was sick and now busy. Very frustrating. He checks in with me everyday but it’s more like status updates about how busy he is than anything else. It’s only been a week but this pinging thing is getting real old, real fast however I don’t like to give up that easily. I’m still dating lots of other guys but can’t get him out of my mind. I’m not convinced he’s actually a pinger (yet) and I’d like to push it a bit to see if he’ll step up. The man I was married to for 20 years started out this way but when I confronted him it got his attention and he became 100% committed very fast. It took time and patience but it was worth it.

    So, my question is this:
    I want to know what kind of things we can text back to these guys to kind of gently confront them and ask them what’s going on, let them know we like them but that we’re not going to wait around much longer foolishly hoping for a chance to get to know them better.
    I have lots of options with other guys but I know myself and I know that simply “moving on” without a word or an attempt to get to the bottom of things will haunt me and make it harder to make room for another guy.
    Thanks!

  179. […] and horror stories. Just like how you’ve dated your share of challenging types of men like the Pinger, the Couch Potato and the older-and-balder-than-his-profile-guy…men also meet and enter into […]

  180. […] If you are involved with a pinger, girlfriend, you need to end that so-called relationship right now.  You can read more about pingers and learn what you can do with them by reading this article : Dating the (Somewhat) Disappearing Man. […]

  181. 100% agree with you Bren! Thanks. Bp

  182. Do some inquiry into narcissists…..this is them…run fast, they’ll play with you till you go crazeeee. Codependents get hooked in…this is not who you want to be with……move on. They are wasting your time.. The minute they got you, they pull away. These are the boys, not the men. Sorry but this is it.

  183. Thanks for your comment, K. It’s good to hear your story. Thing is, after a year if a guy needs you to leave him in order to realize he wants you…is he really the MAN you want? Either he is present and steps up, shows up and acts grownup, I don’t think you should waste your time. Good for you for moving on! Hugs. Bp

  184. I agree with this the majority of this article but I know from personal experience that even men who really care about you can act like this. I have had this happen many times and every time the reason is different. Some (or maybe even most) are stringing you along, trying to keep the door open without actually dating you, but others might not be emotionally ready for a relationship despite wanting more with you. I once dated a man for a year who did this and it wasn’t until I started dating someone else that he told me that I was the love of his life and he was going to try to win me back. He acknowledges the fact that he was scared and as a result lost me. He told me that I’d always be the one that got away. I guess you can’t really ever rely on these types of people to snap out of it until it’s too late so I agree with you in the sense that you should walk away but don’t shut the door if you feel there is a connection. Sometimes people just need to time to know you aren’t going to disappear on them.

  185. Hi Mari. Yah, we’ve all been there. Sounds like quite the selfish jerk. He liked you and wanted you..when he wanted you. Good lesson learned, right? Hugs. Bp

  186. Hi Bobbi:

    I am 45, divorced for almost three years. I would very much like to be in a relationship so when I see a chance, I take it. So far with no luck though. I agree with you. I wish I had seen this sooner. I met a 45 year old man back in July. At the beginning, we would talk, text every day and we would see each other on weekends. Soon enough, he continued calling, texting, but could never commit to a set time or date to see me. I knew something was wrong, asked him a couple of times, gave him plenty of chances to leave without the need for an explanation but he wanted to stick around. Many times he told me I was the only pleasant thing in his life and that only with me, he felt at peace. He does have a complicated situation between work and family so I gave him a chance. The Friday after Thanksgiving I found out that he had been in a relationship with a coworker and the woman was pregnant with his child. Far into the pregnancy (before we even met) but still. Ever since I found out (one of my kids bumped into them at the supermarket) he has been calling maybe once a week, texting maybe a few times during the week, and for the entire month on December I saw him twice. I have not met any of his friends or family. But I know I only have myself to blame. I should have ended it way back then but I liked him and I figured relationships take time, etc. 🙁

  187. […] Sex Pot attracts the Cads, the Sharks and the Pingers. They take her bait, use her and follow up only when they want more sex or maybe just a stroke of […]

  188. Well I can say exactly if he’s a pinger but let me describe.He doesn’t call for 3days.texts me mosts times in d evening with just a few words and sometimes doesn’t call or text for the whole day and he’ll be online.Then wen he finally calls,he’ll talk to me as if nothing happened.I have complained a number of time. He gives me the excuse that his not very good at chattin.he prefers a face to face conversation.When I do,he gets impressively better which only lasts for a maximum of 3days and then his back to himself

  189. Just ignore him Tracy. That’s what you do. He will eventually go find another woman to play with. Best to you, Bp

  190. Well,I realize dat am with a pinger.All the time am always havin to reevaluate our relationship and all.I’ve tried breaking with him once and he came back begging.I took him back,he was good for a while and then he started again.the problem is if I ignore his pings as you said,he’ll know something is up and beg anyway,is there not anything else I can do as a remedy

  191. Thanks Bobbi
    I think someimes we know in whats really go on. Well i certainly do but it just nees for someone else to say it. Thanks for the hugs and back to the dating we go.. x

  192. HI Jo: Well, if he comes back every so often with a text or call but can’t make dates, then he’s likely just stringing you along. But it sounds more like he may have just made a choice not to pursue you further. Doesn’t mean anything other than something else came up, he realized something that he thought made you an unrealistic match…whatever. Sounds like he may have changed his mind. Doesn’t mean you did anything wrong btw. Just that this nice guy (who you hardly knew) may have moved on. So…good for you for connecting with him! And now…you move on too unless you hear back with some solid plan to see each other again. This is dating, sister: Meet men, be real and be your best, have some fun, go through a bunch of “no’s” (some from you; some from them) until you get that one final Yummy Yes! Hugs, Bp

  193. Is this guy a pinger or ???
    First two weeks of chatting, he emailed everyday. Even when he was away. Couldnt meet up because he had family commitments the two following weekends. We arranged a date for the friday, which went well enough for us to spend the day together on the sunday. After he mentioned us doing something else. His little girl was back last friday and he has both of them all this week. But … he has changed his communication no texts in the morning and only one or two in the evening. i dont instigate texts, saturday just gone was the first day we had no contact at all in three or four weeks. i did send him an email that went
    Just popped in to say hi 🙂
    Hope you have had a nice weekend.

    Hee hee i felt like a little kid today went to the park and had a go on the swings,
    was funny and got a couple of funny looks lol. But was so worth it.

    Forgot to say last weekend .. cute bum by the way 😉 hee hee
    and yeah i checked it out … lol..

    Maybe we can do something again (doesn’t have to be anything to do with motorbikes lol)
    But only if you fancy it of course.
    I did use some tips from some of the articles i wrote. Any input would be brilliant. Thank you

  194. Now that I am meeting the right guys- finally- I am very grateful for this advice… I am happy for the girls/women who get it now, because I certainly wasted some precious time with a few of these…
    This is my first visit to your blog, thanks to one of Stacy´s tweets… And I love it, it´s down-to-earth truth that I certainly appreciate… It shows what a great person + professional you are… Thank you again, Bobbi!

  195. What a great question! I’m going to share this by writing a post. Stand by…and hopefully some of your confusion will be assuaged.

  196. I’m wondering if an older man (20 yr difference)wanting a couple of weeks to think after two months of good times together is a really bad sign? Does this mean I’m being pinged or is he just scared? How should I handle this situation so that I’m respecting his needs and feelings without neglecting mine?

  197. Hi Andrea – Thanks so much for commenting here and for being so honest. This really isn’t a known term – I kinda made it up — but it certainly fits the description of some guys. We’ve all had them, and we’ve all stuck around too long waiting for them to “come around” and realize how fabulous we are. Don’t feel bad…just focus on what you’ve learned from it and let it help you spot it if there is a next time. (I’m sure you won’t let it happen again.) Great to meet you!

  198. I never once heard of this word before. “Pinger.” It sounds innocent, but in reality, it’s horrific. It’s sad. After reading this article, I realized that I was with a Pinger for 1 1/2. I was always so hopeful that one day my [then] guy would come around and realize that he wants to be with me in a committed relationship. After many heartaches, he ended things, and my hopeful dreams were dashed. I was torn. But, I didn’t know there was a description of a type of guy like this. I just thought, maybe, this was his “not being ready because of his past” 🙁

  199. You know I always appreciate your POV John. I agree with your statement, although most of us here are looking for a life partner…something meaningful. So I stick to my dating advice to stay away from these guys. And if you think you can just “play” with one of them until Mr. I Love You comes along — think again. Sex = connection for 99% of women. So don’t do it unless you’re sure he’s someone who is honest and looking for the same thing you are. (And, btw, that doesn’t mean that you guess he’s looking for the same thing as you are; it means you actually had a conversation with him.)

  200. I’m going to offer another point of view. A pinger is also not there when “you DON’T want” him. That may be a good thing for some fabulous independent strong willed women who don’t want to alter their lives so much for a relationship. And when the pinger does ping, then by all means, let him rock your world. Unless “you want” much more than the pinger is willing to give, what’s so wrong with that? (Key concepts: It’s about what “you want” and what “you DON’T’ want”.)

  201. I know; it’s sometimes not easy. Here’s my question to you: do you really like him? Or do you like The Idea of Him? Take some time to reflect on that question. What has he actually done for you to warrant your adoration? How does he show his interest, caring, respect for you? How do you feel when you’re with him and when you’re not? So often we fall for these guys at the beginning of our “relationship” and refuse to let go of the wish and dream we conjure up about him. What is the reality? Good luck Stacy.

  202. I just realized I am with a pinger now and it is hard to let him go because I really like him.

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