Why You Keep Attracting Narcissists and Jerks How to Stop NOW!

This article is accurate, but like so many others, it gives the incorrect impression that narcissists are only men. Women can be narcissists too. My own mother is one, and as a result, I’ve attracted multiple FEMALE narcissists. This isn’t a gender problem.

As a woman who was married to a narc for 20 years, it’s unbelievable I gave my trust to anyone. But I did. For over 4 years. And we (me?) loved hard. I really adored this man…..And he couldn’t maintain boundaries with his ex and his baggage, he got tired of me being upset and cheated on me out of spite. He told me as much. This was a self proclaimed nice guy. They both were. I licked my wounds, waited and put myself out again. Date one guy was okay, but not for me, and I told the gentleman as much and we have remained friendly. Date two guy…met online, he asked me out, told me over and over he liked what he saw/read. Took me to a nice place. He’s accomplished, nice looking, we agreed on politics, on EVERYTHING. He charmed me. He jokingly said he was going sooo good, we should just get married. Told me I was wonderful, beautiful, invited me to his beach place the next weekend. I believed it all. (we are both around 50). I’ve never felt so good on a first date, we had sex. I thought at this age, if I’m a grown woman and we do this, fine. He asked me to text when I got home, he told me how wonderful/great I was. I texted next day thanking him, and to have a nice day. He replied he hoped I was good. The second date that was talked about never happened. And I haven’t heard from him. I’m not so much upset that he doesn’t want to see me, I’m upset that I suppose I was used. He said those things to me just to get me in bed? Aren’t we too old for this? Am I being discarded bc I’m a “whore”? I’m so upset and down on myself. I give up. I’m told I’m so much fun to be around, I’m attractive, in good shape. Independent. The whole package…but clearly I’m not. I’m a whore and I deserve this???? This is what this so called wonderful date has left me.

Thanks for the advice
Boy it hurts

I loved your article! I need to learn more on staying away from Narcissists! I’m single and strong again from my last narc, I do NOT want to end back up in that situation ever again!

Nicole, you are absolutely correct. I just broke up with my ex of 5 years and because he has never been violent towards me, the day of our final break up was devastating. I say never, but hindsight- there were signs…. the day of when he came to get his things that I had already put out,he barged into MY home and refused to leave when I asked him stating he needed to do a “walk through” to make sure I didn’t keep something. He basically took things he had bought for me and was now taking back because he had bought it. I considered immature, but now I understand it was evidence that his love was conditional. The cops were called and of course HE actually tried to play victim! I am so grateful it is over!

Bobbie God Bless You sister you just know the right things to say to make me get that positivity back and realize that this wasn’t anything I did it’s simply him and that he is a narcissist I sat here crying all day today and all day yesterday and the days before wondering what I did wrong I know no I did nothing wrong he manipulated me and played with my heart and took advantage of my kindness and love and I’m not the broken one he is and thank you for giving us some of the signs to look for that really is very helpful thank you so much Bobby have a blessed day

Love your explanation because your nail it!

Dear Lynn
I am 50 and just realized with my last relationship that all my life I’ve been attracting those type of men. My own father is a narcisist. He poured all his bitterness and resentment on me all my life. In a way is liberating to know the root of my problem but then I am left with all the scars from all of my relationships. How does one heal from a lifetime of abuse? My son is a true gentleman because I made sure I wasn’t what my parents were with me. I blame myself for letting myself fall for these men ()so the struggle is more about me forgiving myself than them.

This was extremely helpful. Hopefully I can start seeing them before I get to far in.

You really describe what I should have known. My first husband, who died tragically, was one of the good ones. I guess when I met my second husband, I was too vulnerable to see clearly.

That sickening gut punch when you’re looking up something for a random reason and suddenly you realize almost everyone you’ve ever loved has been a narcissist and/or a sociopath. Finally it occurs to you to check if anyone spectacularly manages this. Your first go at Google returns only more articles on NPD and you begin to think you might just be the biggest idiot on the planet. Recovering a bit you try a few different words, and finally land somewhere like here. You learn at least that you’re not alone & find some tips that will help you. Though maybe I AM finally learning as the last guy I quit (15 months ago) I actually did figure it out early & escaped rapidly before there was any permanent connection, shared household or anything I could genuinely be harmed by. I knew I had made a good choice. Realized I really wanted to take a break from dating at all. Maybe try learning some new things. Company would be nice once in awhile. But I’m learning it’s so empowering NOT TO BE focused on the other person in a relationship who forever needs bolstering where I become smaller and smaller until I disappear altogether. Hope everyone is staying healthy and safe out there!

Wow. Right on the head

Thanks for this.
At 62 I find myself in exactly the type of relationship that you describe. It’s obviously been a pattern for me. Having lots of time to think right now, I’ve been driving myself a little nuts over it. I found this and immediately could breathe again. I’m not sure how I’m going to fix me, but at least I know, now, what I’m dealing with.

Be careful leaving the narcissist too. Similar to leaving a physically abusive partner, leaving a narcissist can be the most dangerous time. I finally put my foot down and refused to co-sign for my narcissist boyfriend to get a new car and he made sure to do as much damage as he could on his way out the door. I am now looking for a lawyer to fight a domestic violence case (class c misdemeanor – assault by contact) because he pushed me to my limits and I pushed him. I am still reeling over how he was able to charm the cops. Meanwhile, I was a mess of tears trying to explain to the cops (even showed them bruises) that he owed me money, was taking my property, and insulting me while he packed his things to move out. There were definitely warning signs though so I only have myself to blame at this point..

I read your article and can relate to every stated point. As a child I grew up without a father figure and my mother was a very busy (not much around) person. I have always been a really sensitive person, trying to be true to myself and significant others. At this point – after just once more realizing I’ve lost again time on some ‘heartbreaker’, who really called every day to get my attention and validation, to then drop me like a stone – I wonder why I can’t seem to meet anyone who is genuine, and who wants to build something in order to both benefit from it. Every time I go in thinking ‘everyone is worth a proper try’. But in future I will keep your three points in the back of my head. It’s time to stop ignoring the red flags… Thank you!

Narcissist are highly attracted to a very empathetic people because they are lacking those qualities in themselves as simple as that. They are wounded, empathy people who didn’t get love they deserve in their childhood. And by holding onto you they are compensating that void they had long ago. They are manipulating yes that true but they are very wounded and loss people in reality too. Unfortunately they don’t see that they are doing anything wrong to you ( even toxic types ) because of their trauma they build that shell around them that they are masculine, powerful, reach and successful, and most often than not they are. But inside then beneath that shell is dark emptiness. They are holding on to you because they fill whole, appreciated and loved, due to their lack of empathy they don’t see that they are only taken and taken and not given anything in return. They are like small children who stop their development at some stage and believe that life is revolves around them. Unfortunately there in not much you can do to change them, do not criticize them either because they only get hurt more and start planing revenge on you. There is two option to tell them that unfortunately relationship has exhausted itself naturally and there is no future or explain that you suspect that they have NPD and they need to see a professional. Then cut them off.

100% valuable information!

I just read and article on why do I attract narcissist and low and behold it began with empathy are targets for narcissism! I am an empath. I’ve stopped dating for nine years now to get a clear perspective on myself around this. Just want to say that I am finding that many woman friends have these strong narcissistic qualities as well especially if alcohol or drugs are involved.

This is what I’m dealing with now a narcissistic man and these are all bk is traits I gotta get away from this

I have similar concerns (above reply.)

I have learned: It is the space between two people and not the absence thereof that is a relationship.

“The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

I have been the man in these scenarios. I found this article when typing: “why am I attracted to weird girls” and could not resist clicking the suggestion: “why am I attracted to narcissists” Probably because subconsciously, I am worried that I am attracted to people who are easy to manipulate. That, and I have realized that my father is a narcissist. Close friends have helped me unlearn some of the idiocy but romantic relationships are something I have mostly avoided because they are always all or nothing. I have never begun a relationship anyone I wasn’t already ‘in-love’ with. I’m just realizing how abnormal this is as I’m writing. (There’s something to keep me up tonight.)

I’ve read that a true narcissist cannot even entertain the idea of being a narcissist. I hope that is true because it leaves me some hope that these are just learned habits that can be undone. Either way I am grateful for the perspective. BTW: I know mothers are implicated in the making of narcissists, so I want to acknowledge my mother and two older sisters who raised me and generally loved the poop out of me.

Great article. Thank you!!! Once again, I fell for the love bombing. In the beginning, I thought I was resisting it and trying to stay true to myself with (possibly) over communicating with him. This definitely let him know how to “handle” (his exact word) me. I have an issue with not wanting to see the red flags. Something I have to work on for sure.

I think I have been on again off again dating a narcissist for the past 9 months. He was over the top at the beginning with calling, texting, planning getaways and gifts. Then he stopped. When I told him something I need like an occasional phone call or drinking him on weekends, he told me that I didn’t appreciate his efforts and he planned and paid for everything and I did nothing. He cut me off from his family who I visited and brought gifts to. I helped look at his nieces and loved them but he sent me pictures of all of them having fun with out me and made it all out to be my fault.

I’m such a magnet for narcissists..Love bombed then dominated and slowly crushed by them. I left one narcissist for another….Had a landlady who was a narcissist and she made my life miserable for years as I had nowhere else to go…she collected flying monkeys on a consistant basis and when I tried to stand up to her those FMs were at my throat defending her no matter how insane her actions were. One male narcissist worked at crushing me all the time once he got me, moved me far away from home, was angered by friends and family keeping in touch, wanted my cat gone gone gone and she disappeared when we moved to another state..I could write a book about the narcissists I’ve had in my life. Just recently I fell very , very chronically ill and had a neighbor feign concern and then the abuses began and I was so sick I just became so confused and tried to defend myself against her and the strange calls at all hours and the insane actions of hers that she defended…even when I got a mediator..she was so charming and still defending herself and her actions as “concern”. This has traumatized me so much, I’m still ill and now trying to absorb the trauma and get over it. WHY do I keep attracting this kind of person? I guess I’m too kind and trusting and yet consider myself highly intelligent (but obviously not smart enough to see the narcissists coming. Being so ill, I can’t blame myself for this last one…what a monster to swoop down on someone so ill and abuse them…for what?) My heart is broken. I’d love to post all my experiences with narcissists but there isn’t enough room here…BE very careful, if you gut ‘says’ something is wrong..listen!

Great article! Funny thing is that from a guy’s point of view, this is an article about what women are attracted to!

Thanks Bobbi for this oh so accurate information. I am a year out from a very intoxicating and life-altering 2.5 year relationship with a very charming and accomplished narcissist. It truly transformed the person that I was from strong and independent to insecure and paranoid. It sucked the life out of me to the point that I was unrecognizable to family and friends – those who love me.

The saga still continues and while I am in a very stable and loving relationship with a great new guy who genuinely cares about me and my safety and well being, the devil still fights to reel me back in every couple of months. Like others have said…I still remember the love-bombing episodes, intense emotion and remarkable passion and I have realized that it keeps me from getting closer to the loving man I am with currently. The subconscious comparisons are inaccurate and unfair. I guess in realizing that these “ghosts” of the narcissist are creating barriers for me in my current relationship, I can mindfully work to remediate these affects. I get a little better each day and information like this helps to affirm my resolve. I can tell you – the one true gift that the traumatic relationship with him gave me was a real sense of self awareness and gave me the motivation to start doing some real interpersonal work and learning more about healthy, functional relationships that I put into practice with the sweet man I am with now. Every day the love bomb memories fade a little more and the true and ugly reality of how he truly tortured me comes a little more to the forefront. My constant affirmation when those love bomb memories surface: “fundamentally – he is not a good person – your life with him was filled with abuse, uncertainty and judgement. It would have only gotten worse. YOU DESERVE BETTER! YOU HAVE BETTER SITTING RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!”

I keep on getting caught because: 1. They are drawn to my empathetic nature and I have an uncontrollable need to “fix” broken men. 2. It still takes me a while to snap out of the spell if I’m at a lonely period in my life. For the most part, I’m still relatively new at picking up the red flags. I just poked my head out of the fog last December when I was getting out of a 12 year relationship with a Cerebral Narc only to be swept away a month after by a Somatic Narc. The behaviors of both of them were so beyond crazy that I started to do research on what the hell I was dealing with. The Cerebral went years without wanting sex or intimacy yet displayed severe signs of jealously or possession if I wanted to leave (even put a tracker on my vehicle). Meanwhile, the Somatic was bombarding me with love and affection and plenty of sexual attention yet was also severely possessive and jealous. I was stuck in a world where I began to lose touch with reality. I was so far into the fog last December that I had no idea where I was, who I was, who my ex of 12 years was and who my new guy was. Still, a year later. I do get manipulated into a Narc’s web…at first but I do remain somewhat conscious of not getting lost in the love bombing and it take it with a grain of salt and KNOW DAMN WELL I’M NO SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE! I know now that while he’s love bombing me, he’s giving someone else the silent treatment. Possibly, he’s love bombing several other girls as well.

Oh so here I am…again (for the 7th time) being sucked in by a narcissist. Currently being love bombed by a man I met through fb just a month ago. Here I am initially being swept off my feet for the word “love”. I somehow trust someone’s intentions when they say they love me or falling for me. At least now after extensive research and experience, I can pick up on the initial stages of the narcissistic relationship cycle which begins with love bombing. I, like most women, fall for it at first until we realize how f*cked up it is to believe someone is THAT much in love with you in just a short period of time. I’m being told “I want to move to your state to be with you.” “I’m falling for you fast.” “You are not like the other girls.” Sure, love at first sight does happen. There is no time period of when we fall in love. Hell, I’ve fallen in love with people easily because of my attachment style which is Anxious. But, love bombing is unique. Narcissists are doing it to brainwash you. To condition you. To prep you for the hell you are about to enter. To allow you to forgive them in the near doomed future when they devalue you. You will think back to a few months ago when they once loved you. You will constantly replay the love bomb stage over and over so it makes you forgive him for dropping his mask and showing his true self. Even after the discard and silent treatment, you will always reflect back to that “magical” love bomb stage. As with all narcissists, they can’t resist randomly popping up again so they will hoover you back into the loop and love bomb you all over again. Ahhhh you crave it “He did love me. He did miss me.” He’s thinking “You stupid fool. I got you again.” So next time you sense a potential narcissist is making his way to destroy your life, remember love bombing is nothing but actions by an insecure man wearing a mask to try to lure you into his selfish loveless and incredibly fake world.

My Narc was extremely good at fooling everyone stayed 22 years made me feel like I was the greatest at the same time as making me feel like shit.
He had some serious sexual deviant issues which crossed many lines.
That he hid well but would give me warning signs but I seen a lot of red flags over the years. My eyes are wide open now it is the most crushing blow when you learn so much deviancy about him but he Never admits even the smaller stuff. I am 100% wrong no matter what evidence I have he even denied a video. He can not be accountable for anything I left him and he is the victim?????? But some more common signs I learned from research and him ANGER when caught and LACK OF COMMON SENSE for anything they do but mine had great common sense with others there he was logical. Mine tried to convince me that because I have MS I was going crazy. But I learned to try and keep quiet and he showed himself to a lot of people. The whole time he was never able to convince anybody I was crazy he went as far as to call my neurologist and tell them that he thinks the MS is messing with my brain but like I said nobody but into that or most f his bullshit. But I am free now and so scared f finding another one but I know a lot of what I am looking out for just like Bobbi says keep reading and trust your gut and definitely know what your about because I know when the truth comes out and I go over the countless ways his behavior was I should have never tolerated it but he always acted like I did no wrong how do you fight with that? But at the same time I never did anything that was better then ok? It took years to start getting compliments even though he loves the way I cook he would make me feel attractive, but then take little digs at me I look really good and I don’t look my age I had many qualities he loved and I knew but he knew how to keep me down too. Anyway I know what I have to offer. Just gotta make sure we don’t fall into that trap again .If he makes you feel like your the only one and flawless but then points them out subtly but sometimes a little blunt beware.

Yup. So true it took 2 years to find myself after the last one and I feel I am repelling these nasty men of this sort now by my upfront boundary setting. It’s funny once you know what you want and can ask for it the world changes. Granted I was swooned over by many men when I didn’t know what I wanted or know my worth to say my needs. I’m not expecting perfection and don’t want perfect because I would feel inadequate around perfect. I want a real man who is not afraid to be close and vulnerable to be my best friend, enjoy life and snuggle up to. Yes I want someone who is at the same level as myself in career, life, ect… not rich, but has a goal has work towards his ambition. I know what I want and it’s not like I’m asking for more than I offer myself, still just became available (not out of relationship available but from self searching) so I have repelled some narcissistic men and I have met some nice ones. We shall see what the cards hold I have so much love to give I hope I find a man who gives love back as well.

thank you for sharing- this means a lot

Thank you Bobbi for such great information! One of those aw ha moments. Now I know. Be blessed and thank you..

I Hate that when I was in my most happy relaxed place, he spotted me. I laughed at his gestures.. biting my neck, kissing me in a crowded bar. I was “the woman he always dreamed of” Then i decided to trust, let go..go for it. Luckily he lived 1700 miles away. It has still been a painful, exciting, disappointing humiliating experience.
Half of the stories he told were true…how dare I be so mistrusting. His favorite line ” i dont know what you’re talking about?” I’ve never been so high and so low. It’s awfully good? Bittersweet? Horrible. And I miss that asshole. Ugh.

My painful experiences with a narcissistic, insecure man and a control-freak after one and a half years

Characteristics:
– he is so selfish that he only cares for his stuff
– first of all his goal is: to meet his own needs by others!
– he is a person of interest
– he requires lots of things from others however he can’t meet his own requirements
– while you give a lot, he receives all the time and you don’t get much or anything in return
– he lacks of the ability of empathy that’s why his behaviour is indifferent, insensitive and cruel
– if you tell him a story, he often states that he can’t tag anything to this however there are themes which he can talk for hours about!
– he likes to be heard while he can’t even notice how exhausting his behaviour can be for others
– you don’t even notice how quickly and easily he drains your energy
– after a conversation or spending a little time with him, you find yourself having a bad mood all at once, being anxious, stressful, angry, exhausted, depressed, feeling empty inside
– it can happen that he doesn’t even have any friends, can only count on his family members
– as he hasn’t got a sense of responsibility, he never takes responsibility for his actions
– he always blames others because he is certain of that he never makes a mistake
– he loves to argue, however he would never admit it
– he always looks for the reason of the problem in you, in others
– he finds himself too special and perfect
– he can’t tolerate criticism, however he easily criticizes and judges others
– he loves to provoke and when he perceives that you lose control of yourself, he immediately finds out one of your weak points and blames you for his own action!
– even by the help of a word or a sentence he can cause you so much pain!
– you can’t share your happiness or success with him
– every time things are going well by you, he feels threatened by you
– he can’t handle the situation that you are a strong, confident, brave woman
– he can’t stand when you feel good and full of energy that’s why he always tries to bring you down and take away all of your energy – at all costs!
– you feel uncomfortable in his company because instead of respect you only experience humiliation
– he never makes you feel precious, worthy of love and capable of anything
– he doesn’t know what honest, unselfish love means
– however he pretends that he doesn’t need compliments, he usually enjoys them
– he doesn’t take advices because he knows everything better
– he sticks to solve every problem alone so you feel like excluded in his company and in the relationship too
– he doesn’t make you feel like you were in the same boat: he isn’t able or doesn’t want to think as a team in the relationship
– the relationship with him is characterized by insecurity: he can’t promise anything!
– he is often a jealous and an owning type: he constantly monitors you, controls you, manipulates you
– although he expects unconditional trust from you – even in the beginning of the dating –, he is often an unfaithful type!
– you can never ever be good enough for him because he looks for perfect!
– he isn’t reliable: his words and actions don’t match!
– he is up to anything that is in the interest of him
– if he hurts, insults, humiliates you, he causes deep wounds that you can’t even believe that a human being is able to do such painful actions
→ the craziest part: after that he acts like nothing happened!
– he hates to apologize or doesn’t even do it!
– you can’t even notice the slightest sign of regret on him
– he lives in a world without consequences and often in a dreamland too
– he doesn’t like changes, rather likes to stuck
– he always expects change from others because he isn’t able and doesn’t want to change
– he complains a lot, he likes to force out regret and compassion from others, he is often a pessimistic person
– instead of building you up, he pulls you back, destroys your personality and ruins your life as he is interested in seeing you weaker than he is!
– he enjoys seeing your sorrow, suffering, depression and when things aren’t going well by you because at this time he can foster you
– he is often abusive – verbally and physically too!
– he likes to misuse your kindness
– you often have the feeling that he or the situation is too good to be true
– he plays a part the way to measure up to your expectations so he doesn’t have to be himself!
– you have the feeling many times that you have to think everything over several times because he is too insecure not to tend to misinterpret things, imagine things which don’t exist, take on things which he shouldn’t have to
– he is a skillful manipulator
– he is often addicted to a relationship and/or a partner
– he feels forced to measure up to your expectations and he expects the same thing from you too
– he is out for perfection so he often can’t be present in he moment and enjoy life
– he isn’t curious about you and isn’t interested in you
– he often chases an ideal partner that’s why he isn’t interested in getting to know your personality
– during a conversation the most important thing for him is to tell you in detail what he wants
– he doesn’t even care for your opinion and if it’s necessary he can even break you without compunction any time
– he often silences you but after that he doesn’t even asks you what you wanted to say

These men/people are really dangerous! They steal your optimism, destroy your self-esteem, ruin your life and you can only heal yourself by the help of hard work.
God save us from these toxic people!

Many thanks for Bobbi because of her precious work to take care of us, women!:)

Best wishes,
a 34 year old woman

This is really great info, Bobbi, thank you! I’ve been quite susceptible to Narcissists most of my life – even married one. It took a lot of getting over. I’d add the biggest “Tell” for me is Shame. A Narcissist will do -anything- to avoid what he perceives as shame to his self-important image.
*One guy would change dinner plans, ditching his reservations and going somewhere else lower class, if he didnt approve of my looks that night. With a perfectly charming explanation, I discovered it was really about not impressing either his friends or ex-conquests.
* He sees you as “less than”, (so he can be your savior) so you aren’t invited to certain events where you might embarrass him. Or, if he’s angry with you, for example, you’ll be invited to events without appropriate attire info, so he can patronize you to others, and put you back in your proper place. He’ll even dis you in public or private, if your ability at something starts shining, and comes perilously close to his.
*One guy who fancied himself a linguist would cross the street in foreign countries,disassociating himself, in case I mispronounced a word.
I just look for anything he perceives as an affront to his “specialness”; whether he snarks at waiters, gas attendants, or co-workers; or refuses activities beneath his station and dignity (like bowling or parades)
Thanks again for this info, I can hardly wait for the next GGNO!

Bobbi:
Thank you so much for your posts and webinars. The Narcissistic post and the online pictures articles are spot on, and I will apply them in my next profile.

I met 2 narcissistic men in 2 months!! Wow I was hurt by the second one, who love bombed me and I was cool enough to believe. After some soul searching and reading these articles, I’m ready to try again, hoping to have learned from past mistakes.

Thank you for helpings is out in such an unselfish and loving way. You are like a sister to all of us and guiding us until we find our true love like you did!

Lots of hugs to you!!

Melanietoniaevans.com…changed my life on narcisstic abuse.