If you are a woman dating after 40, it’s likely you had at least a few breakups that have left you feeling brokenhearted. So…how DO you get over your ex?
Maybe you’re going through a breakup now. Maybe you broke up years ago. Maybe you’re still aching over that intense month-long “thing” you had with the hot guy, that ended abruptly when he disappeared.
Is there some man in your past who seems to be haunting you? The one that got away, or the one who you wish you could have back? You still care about him. You can’t figure out what you did wrong. You’re angry. You can’t shake the sadness.
You just can’t seem to move on.
I don’t care how strong or independent or confident you are, breakups can hurt like hell.
There is a lot of practical advice on how to get over a breakup, most which I agree with. Block him on Facebook, take a trip with your friends, remove his personal items from your home. These are all good ways to help you stop feeling the emotional pain. I recommend you take these actions, but they only help you avoid. They don’t help you truly get over your ex and heal.
I don’t care how strong or independent or confident you are, breakups can hurt like hell.
If you are going to move on to create a happier future – one where you can fearlessly love and be loved – you have to do some icky, scary work. You need to go deep. You need to learn from your experience.
Yes, I’m talking about digging in and reliving it – all of it. The meeting, the relationship and the breakup. The joy, the pain, the confusion…the feelings. It can be messy. It will challenge you. But I promise, this is what leads you to new love.
Almost every woman I know, both friends and women I coach, have some unresolved past relationship junk that is hovering in the background of her life.
What did I do wrong?
Why didn’t he want me?
How could I have made such a bad mistake?
Why can’t I forget him?
Will anyone ever love me?
Wow. These are some powerful questions! You can see why, when they go unanswered, we can feel unworthy, insecure, unlovable, even hopeless.
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There’s also the anger.
We have trouble trusting men.
Or even worse, we can’t trust ourselves.
If you are going to move on to create a happier future – one where you can fearlessly love and be loved – you have to do some icky, scary work.
Until these feelings get acknowledged. and the dynamics of your relationship get processed in a way that helps you understand your experience and learn from it, you are sure to keep repeating your patterns or simply remaining single.
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There are an endless number of steps on the way to your forever, grownup love story. The lonely super single days, the bad and boring dates, the fun dates, the childish mistakes you make feeling loved and, yes, feeling like your heart is broken.
Every one of these steps are rungs on your ladder to love. You can choose to look at them as failures and wasted time. Or you can choose to see them as requisite experiences leading up to your life’s ultimate desire.
The first step in getting over your ex is to agree to open your heart and mind so you can look for the positive in your experience. When you do, I promise you’ll find it.
This man and this partnership wasn’t right for you. Ultimately it didn’t make you happy. (Understatement?) I’d even venture to say that, once you look closely, you’ll find you weren’t too happy while in the relationship.
One of the most positive aspects of your breakup can be that you learn how to make better choices and take better care of yourself. To do that, you need to start with knowing – really knowing – the FEELINGS you must have in order to be happy in a relationship.
Let me say that again: You want to know how YOU need to feel in order to be happy.
How you feel is the bar by which you can truly measure the value of your relationship with a man…especially one that you want to last a lifetime. It’s not about what he DOES. It’s not about how much he makes you laugh. It’s not even about how he feels about you.
This can be hard. Many women don’t even know what we want or need. We’ve never articulated it. We’ve never allowed ourselves to ask that question.
Instead, we go by some general sense, an intuition, a day to day thing. Today I’m happy and feel good. I like this about him, I don’t like that. We’re getting along. We’re not. He wants me so I guess I want him.
When I coach women in my 1-1 coaching programs, we work on my 6-Step Find Hope and Find Him system. Step 3 of that system is “Who is He: Getting Past My List.
Basically, the work you do with me here helps you “fix your picker.” It helps you understand the feelings that are important for you to have in order to feel fulfilled and whole in a relationship and then identify your must-haves.
Here are just a few of the common examples of what comes up for women:
I want to feel safe.
I want to feel special.
I want to feel understood.
You see? When you look at your relationship based on how you feel with him (and, btw, when you’re not with him) things can look quite different. This will be even clearer in your next step.
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Relationships are made up three distinct elements:
#1 You
#2 Him
#3 The relationship
When you explore each of these elements separately, you can expose some really juicy learning.
The purpose of some exploration isn’t to find out who was right or wrong, or what mistakes you made. The purpose is to take a thoughtful, truthful look at this life experience, grab the learning, and forge forward in your journey to lasting, grownup love.
Sister, if you have a man who’s haunting you or a relationship you can’t seem to leave behind, I want to help you get to your positive takeaways…and move the hell on!
The questions here will guide you to clarity about how you can be a better partner, choose a better partner and better nurture a relationship.
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And here is a biggy: You will also get clear on who and what it is that you are truly mourning. (This may surprise you, in a delightful way.)
If you feel reluctant to revisit the past, I get it. It may feel like you’re finally getting over him, and the idea of dredging it up again feels pretty sucky. But like I said earlier, it’s not enough to stop feeling the emotional pain because you’ve learned how to block it.
You want to heal!
With healing, you will see the positive in this relationship. You will be able to use the experience to ultimately make your life better. You will be so much closer to your grownup love story!
You can let go of the past and use the positive side of heartbreak to move on with lightness, clarity and a fresh start.
Click here to get your worksheet: How to Get Over Your Ex, So You Can Learn, Let Go and Love (for Real)
I’d love to hear from you. What comes up for you as read this post and as you work the process? What have you learned about yourself, him and your relationship? Let me know by leaving me a comment!
Bobbi Palmer says:
Sorry, Susanne. I have no answers for you. Except, as I say in my writing, sometimes stuff happens to the other person and we’ll never know. And it’s most often nit even about us. I know it may be really disappointing but now…move on and be ok knowing there was just something about him that wasn’t a good match for you. Hugs. Bp
Susanne says:
I dated a guy for about 5 months. We had a great connection. He said he wanted to be exclusive and was looking for a long-term relationship. Then the pandemic hit. For medical reasons, we both agreed it was best if we didn’t quarantine together, but we kept in touch regularly. As we were about to get vaccinated, he let me know that he was very much looking forward to rekindling our romance in person. Then he disappeared…(no, he did not have Covid-19). I’m still left wondering what happened, despite a phone call which didn’t really clear things up or give me any peace about the situation.
Bobbi Palmer says:
First, decide why it’s bothering you. Is it representative of a bigger issue? When you’re clear on how you’re feeling and what you need from him, tell him just that and ask him the same. Have a conversation. Bp
Edie says:
I am dating a widower and wish he would stop wearing memorial pendants and chains around his neck. How do I approach this subject with him?
Bobbi Palmer says:
Lovely.
Sara says:
About myself – I seek to compassionately accept all parts of myself and others, good and bad,
And I seek someone who can do the same , for himself and for others.
I seek someone who enjoys his s’mores slow-cooked if you know what I mean. In every context of the relationship though lol. Who isn’t in a rush to get to intimacy, who is comfortable with the unknowns and with the pauses.
I have learned that he wasn’t in a place to accept all parts of me or himself compassionately, and had some things he needed healing/support with that I was not able to provide. And vice versa.
I learned that our relationship was much like a flower that had some lovely small blossoms that are to be cherished by the world forever, but the plant was only meant to last a season.
Meanwhile I continue to see deep, lifelong trees taking root beautifully on their own.
Xoxoxo
Destri Ferguson says:
Hello,
I was dating a man who I thought was my forever for. The past two years. The first year was great. We got along perfect, than the last 6 months of the relationship something changed and to be honest I don’t even know what it was but what I do know was that we began arguing all the time and there was this distance between us that wasn’t there before. We ended up breaking up just a few weeks ago and I have been miserable ever since and the saddest part about it was he had actually asked me to MARRY him just a month ago! I am beyond heart broken. I would be SO appreciative to any advice. Thank you so much in advance!
Bobbi Palmer says:
It’s true you can’t force yourself to like someone romantically. But it Sounds like you’re looking for that chemistry-thing Sharon. That’ll render your decisions pretty stupid every time. If I”m reading this right, this might help: https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/dirty-john-mature-women-dating/
Sharon says:
I totally agree with what you said. I broke up for good finally after 4 years with a covert narcissist who lived in my home and took advantage of me. I then fell in love with a work a holic Narcissist who just barely fit me in. I broke it off with him after 5 months. I got over him pretty fast but went right back to thinking about Narcissist #1. I’m not acting on it and he has a girlfriend now. I just started dating a normal intelligent man. He’s not a narcissist. But I don’t have that feeling with him. I want to. I am actually attracted to his kisses. But he annoys me. Is somewhat of an eccentric college professor. He’s crazy about me adoring. I have someone good to me. Generous but I want to be in love with a man. I can’t force it. I did all the childhood memory reliving and processing in therapy. Nothing changes that I havevonly fallen for a narcissist in my life. I’m 65. I’d really like to change this. How. Please do tell some steps
Bobbi Palmer says:
Though it’s difficult to face, I’m glad you are getting clear on what you were feeling and what you weren’t getting that you needed. This is important learning to help you move on and make good decisions for yourself going forward. Good for you. Keep learning and growing. Bp
Michelle says:
Well, Bobby I really feel like there were so many parts of my 24 year relationship that I never really examine. Yeah we got engaged and got married and had three beautiful children but I never actually sat down to think how do I feel in this relationship overtime as I look back I felt alone I felt sad I felt abandoned as my ex was in the military and overseas he went to 12 to 15 different foreign countries and I felt rejected. I felt like I wasn’t what he wanted. I wanted to feel loved and excepted for who I was and who I am but I didn’t feel that I felt like I was never enough for him and I knew I didn’t want to feel like that I wanted to feel like I was happy for who I was in myself and I didn’t have to change myself to be somebody he wanted. I’m kind of all over this in this answer but I also felt unloved. I felt like the efforts that I made for him we’re never enough. And I think in the back of my mind I knew that there was something wrong about that. It didn’t seem like a relationship should have to be everything that I need to do to be better and nothing you need to do to make me happy . This is just the beginning but I think I can I know I wanted to be loved for who I was and what I have to offer and what was special about me and that was an always there.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Suzanne, I’m so glad you’re here! I’m sorry you’ve had these experiences but hope you see that there is a way out. It’s all in your control. 🙂 I will be teaching a course soon called Fix Your Man Picker. You need to be there, right? Keep your eyes open and stay with me. I love to help women who are ready to help themselves and you are obviously there! Hugs. Bp (PS: Be sure you are on my mailing list so you can find out about my course in April.)
Suzanne says:
Your blog and videos have been a great help for me recently. Long story short, involved with a married man right after my divorce. He did get divorced after 6 years and after I broke up with him numerous times, only to get back together with him. These last 4 years have almost been the worst, and again, I have broken up with him multiple times. So now after a total of 10 years, I think I might make it without him. But it is killing me, for all the wrong reasons. I KNOW he is a narcissist, cheater (multiple women while I was with him AND married), and liar. He started dating someone else almost immediately after this final break up and continued to want to get me back, always loved me, etc. It was all my fault we broke up, he tried hard this time (according to him), and he may have, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. The “magic” was gone. It was just toxic, but it was soooo easy (ie convenient, no effort, good sex) to be with him. I am so screwed up now I have no idea what is my fault, what is bad judgment, what is pure desperation on my part, and what is just crazy. I think I am all of it. But reading your posts have helped me at least cut myself some slack. I attract narcissist as I am the poster child for your description of what they are attracted to as I think my first husband was also a narcissist. I want everyone to be happy, I forget me and worry about everyone else, and it never seems to be enough. 54 years old, come on now! I need to get it together!!! So, thanks for the advice in these posts. I am making it my homework every night!
How Do I Break Up with Him Without Drama and Bad Feelings? says:
[…] I’m sure he really digs you, but you’ve recovered after your breakups and so will he. Again, you’re both grownups; each responsible for managing your own emotions. Just like you had to do when your dude disappeared or told you he didn’t want to see you anymore, he will go through the process of getting past it. And then, like you, he will move on. (Just in case, here’s help for you if you are still having trouble getting over your ex.) […]
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Denise, I’m so happy to hear that my work is helping you. Thank you so much for telling me. Congratulations for ‘doing the work’ and being so honest with yourself. I look forward to hearing more. With love and support, Bp
Denise says:
Hi Bobbi
I’m learning a lot about myself reading your posts and watching your videos. I realized that I need to let go of an old love in order to move on. Funny doing your worksheet, I wasn’t getting everything that I needed from him or the relationship. Although, I definitely didn’t know then what I needed or how to express it. I wasn’t being honest with myself. I let my fears get in the way. The “I don’t need a man” kept me safe or so I thought. I think my biggest struggle is putting my fears aside and being brave enough to open my heart to a life long love. I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts and learning more.
Thank you for all you do for us!!
Bobbi Palmer says:
I 100% agree, Che. Well said.
Noquay says:
Bobbi
Problem is, I literally cannot physically respond to a guy that I am not attracted to and yep, I am a serious thinker. I really need to be with someone I can relate to as an equal. Intellectual connection is very important. I do reject very attractive men who lack character or don’t share my values. Dated the very best, healthiest man in the region yet broke up because I could no longer tolerate his redneck, racist ways. Just rejected a very good looking fellow organic farmer who disclosed his pot smoking habit and reckless driving; both dealbreakers. Get lots of inquiries from attractive men on line who are pretty much ski bums, scraping by by choice. Gone. I look for attraction then pay very close attenton to character and values. I dont keep anyone around solely because of their looks. As for Narcboy, he was very, very good at hiding who he was. Serial cheaters are. His line of work made it very easy to live a double life. Didn’t know the full extent or duration of his cheating until AFTER I’d already walked away from him. Within our institution, he had duped literally dozens of women. The majority of the men hereabouts really do not take care of themselves. Is weird, but no higher end woman here, regardless of age, dates regionally. I am currently sort of seeing a widower who does treat me well but I am not really physically attracted to him. Don’t feel good about holding him while wishing he were someone else but it may well be the best I can do for now. Realistically, a Native, PhD level, 55 year old environmental/social justice activist, organic farmer and writer is probably no ones cup of (herbal) tea except in cities and I am definitely a woods/outdoors person. However, there is an off chance I will loose my job soon so the solution may be leaving the dating pool for good.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Noquay, Sorry that that you have had these bad relationships. I really want to help you. One thing stands out SO much to me! Here’s what you wrote about your horrid, narcissistic, womanizing, lying, disgusting, creep man:
I want someone not with his character but with his looks, intellect and potential.
Here’s my big tip for you: Start choosing guys by their character and get over your focus on looks, intellect and sophistication! If you want a man to treat you like a queen, someone you can trust, someone who makes you feel good and happy to be alive every day…his looks and, ultimately even his intellect…don’t mean a damn thing.
NO, I don’t want you to be with a dumb, ugly man. But there is a hell of a lot of distance between a tall, great looking, brilliant guy and one who is short, dumb and dull. Do you see what I mean? I know you live in an unusual area, but I guarantee that there are many men who are somewhere in the middle…and I think you’re missing them, sister! My take. Be good to yourself. Bp
Noquay says:
Great post Bobbi. Sorry I can’t do the webcast thing but I barely get home from work in time to do my farm chores, get firewood in, etc. I have had three men who haunt/haunted me. One, a med school professor supposedly fell head over heels with me, then proofed. He was the first man who really seemed to respect my intellect, who I was. I lost my best friend, his mentee, in the process. The second is my ex husband. We split because I had no choice but to leave the area. I hurt him terribly though he has told me I had no choice and not to blame myself. He was my ideal: highly educated ex Dean, attractive, stayed in shape, non Middle class values, involved in social and environmental justice. Had 12 good years with him. The last one is a big problem. A colleague who approached me, not the other way round, suddenly after two years of ignoring my existence. Unbeknownst to me, he was involved with someone else the full two years he pursued me. A true peer in terms of intellect, environmental values and yep, tall and very attractive. Most men here are in horrid shape, uneducated, down and out, and very redneck and yep, short (I am somewhat taller than average and like to dance which doesn’t work well with shorter folk). One morning he asked me to spend a weekend with him, less than an hour later I inadvertently heard him leaving his hotel key for another woman who showed up that evening. We were at a conference with another colleague; very public , very humiliating. There was never any discussion, any closure. For a few years, he would approach me, offer to help with house stuff unbidden, then often not show up. He overlapped the OW with a friend of mine whom he just married. Ironically, it was I who comforted her. My former friend treats me like I am the one at fault. Since we all are at the same institution I deal with them often. I have stopped attending many meetings and may eventually be fired. I am apparently too old to get another academic position as is he. We’ve both been looking. I found out he was a serial cheater and extreme narcissist. True, I want someone not with his character but with his looks, intellect and potential. What scares me now that I have been out there trying to date is that my choices are stay alone forever or settle for someone I feel no connection or attraction to. In short, be alone or marry way, way, down and pretend. I cannot do this. However, I have learned much though it has destroyed my love for my job and wasted years of my life. I step back, pay close attention, don’t emotionally attach too soon, and stick with folk I’ll never have to see again if things go bad. Am currently seeing a widower and am doing just that. He is not my ideal but I do enjoy being treated like a Queen when he’s around. Just being present, paying attention.