Dating to Find Love after 40: The Slower Road CAN Be Quicker

It’s a fact: when you are dating to find love, especially later in life, taking the slower road may be the best AND the quickest path.

I admit that I love when I’m proven right. (Who doesn’t?) Especially when it comes to the things I teach, encourage and nag you to do in order to find love.

When it comes to dating, here are a few of the things I always urge you to do:

  • Unless the guy grosses you out on the first date, give him another chance.
  • Come to your first few dates open, relaxed, rested and ready to help him get to know you (which helps you get to know him).
  • Don’t start a date by looking for what’s wrong or what won’t work. Instead, always start with finding 3 things you like about him.
  • Remember that you’re looking for a great mate, not just a good date.

Here is how science proves how powerful all of my nagging, I mean coaching, can be. My colleague and friend, Dr. Helen Fisher (I have a total girl crush on her), participated in a survey with the Kinsey Institute and

In the survey, 33 percent of men and 43 percent of women answered yes when asked if they had ever fallen in love with someone they did not initially find attractive. Dr. Fisher terms this process “slow love,” and says it is becoming more common as people take longer to marry.

“Everyone is terrified that online dating is reducing mate value to just a few superficial things like beauty — whether you swipe left or right on Tinder,” she said in an interview. “But that’s just the start of the process. Once you meet someone and get to know them, their mate value keeps changing.”

When the survey respondents were asked what had changed their feelings, the chief reasons they gave were “great conversations,” “common interests,” and “came to appreciate his/her sense of humor.” 

43% of women have fallen in love without having that instant buzz! This is true of almost all  women I have helped find love. There weren’t fireworks. There was a constant simmer that heated up every time they were together. And then…BOOM!

This article goes on to say that the longer you take to get to know someone, the more your and their mate value can vary. And that’s regardless of initial attraction.

You’ve experienced this before. You know how you meet a guy who looks like he has it all? His profile is juicy, he says all the right things, he has hair, a great job and loves dogs? Then one or two dates in you see he’s just a selfish jerk, or a narcissist or rude? Pretty quickly he’s not so hot at all. His mate value plummets.

Well the opposite happens just as often. The more time people spend together, the more potential there is to uncover commonalities, understand each others’ humor and values and, therefore, increase mate value; for him and for you.

So what can you take from this that will help you find love sooner than later? And also so you don’t pass up a really good man because you made a quick decision that he’s not for you.

  • Hold your judgments until you get to know something substantive about him.
  • Be yourself and help him get to know you by sharing some juicy nuggets.*
  • Slow down and remember that dating is a journey – a process.
  • Approach every date as a wonderful opportunity to get to know the man you’re meeting. Period.

* Nuggets are my secret to helping the two of you see if you are compatible and have potential mate value relatively early on. Nuggets quickly and naturally let your date know you in some meaningful way, without you having to brag, recite your resume or interrogate him. Nuggets also add to your confidence and self-esteem by giving you tangible tools to help you create conversation and express yourself on a date in an honest way – always a good thing.

So often we think if there isn’t instant attraction or he doesn’t wow us in some way it’s time to move on. Remember, 43% of women have fallen in love without having that instant buzz! This is true of almost all  women I have helped find love. There weren’t fireworks. There was a constant simmer that heated up every time they were together. And then…BOOM!

When you show up with each man you meet being truly open to getting to know him, and when you are able to express yourself authentically, the two of you can really begin your discovery. And if you give yourselves a chance to get to know one another, you just might find that your respective mate value increases…and love follows.

But that’s ONLY when you’re open – both to him and with yourself.

To see ALL the ways I’m right (just had to say that one more time), read the whole article here: For Couples, Time Can Upend the Laws of Attraction. If you have not yet learned what they are proving here, I really hope you dig in and get the message. I guarantee it will change your love life.



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