It’s a fact: when you are dating to find love, especially later in life, taking the slower road may be the best AND the quickest path.
I admit that I love when I’m proven right. (Who doesn’t?) Especially when it comes to the things I teach, encourage and nag you to do in order to find love.
When it comes to dating, here are a few of the things I always urge you to do:
Here is how science proves how powerful all of my nagging, I mean coaching, can be. My colleague and friend, Dr. Helen Fisher (I have a total girl crush on her), participated in a survey with the Kinsey Institute and match.com.
In the survey, 33 percent of men and 43 percent of women answered yes when asked if they had ever fallen in love with someone they did not initially find attractive. Dr. Fisher terms this process “slow love,” and says it is becoming more common as people take longer to marry.
“Everyone is terrified that online dating is reducing mate value to just a few superficial things like beauty — whether you swipe left or right on Tinder,” she said in an interview. “But that’s just the start of the process. Once you meet someone and get to know them, their mate value keeps changing.”
When the survey respondents were asked what had changed their feelings, the chief reasons they gave were “great conversations,” “common interests,” and “came to appreciate his/her sense of humor.”
43% of women have fallen in love without having that instant buzz! This is true of almost all women I have helped find love. There weren’t fireworks. There was a constant simmer that heated up every time they were together. And then…BOOM!
This article goes on to say that the longer you take to get to know someone, the more your and their mate value can vary. And that’s regardless of initial attraction.
You’ve experienced this before. You know how you meet a guy who looks like he has it all? His profile is juicy, he says all the right things, he has hair, a great job and loves dogs? Then one or two dates in you see he’s just a selfish jerk, or a narcissist or rude? Pretty quickly he’s not so hot at all. His mate value plummets.
Well the opposite happens just as often. The more time people spend together, the more potential there is to uncover commonalities, understand each others’ humor and values and, therefore, increase mate value; for him and for you.
So what can you take from this that will help you find love sooner than later? And also so you don’t pass up a really good man because you made a quick decision that he’s not for you.
* Nuggets are my secret to helping the two of you see if you are compatible and have potential mate value relatively early on. Nuggets quickly and naturally let your date know you in some meaningful way, without you having to brag, recite your resume or interrogate him. Nuggets also add to your confidence and self-esteem by giving you tangible tools to help you create conversation and express yourself on a date in an honest way – always a good thing.
So often we think if there isn’t instant attraction or he doesn’t wow us in some way it’s time to move on. Remember, 43% of women have fallen in love without having that instant buzz! This is true of almost all women I have helped find love. There weren’t fireworks. There was a constant simmer that heated up every time they were together. And then…BOOM!
When you show up with each man you meet being truly open to getting to know him, and when you are able to express yourself authentically, the two of you can really begin your discovery. And if you give yourselves a chance to get to know one another, you just might find that your respective mate value increases…and love follows.
But that’s ONLY when you’re open – both to him and with yourself.
To see ALL the ways I’m right (just had to say that one more time), read the whole article here: For Couples, Time Can Upend the Laws of Attraction. If you have not yet learned what they are proving here, I really hope you dig in and get the message. I guarantee it will change your love life.
Bobbi Palmer says:
We’re talking semantics here. If he doesn’t gross you out, that means you probably find something attractive about him. Look, I have 15 years of experience helping women find love. 99% of them who have told me the man they ended up being happy with was “nothing like the man they imagined they’d be with.” And about that same percentage weren’t hot for the guy at first. No sparks. Just “I liked being with him.” Statistics show clearly that women can find someone attractive once they get to know him. I see it all the time. Bp
Ankara says:
This is the second relationship expert who advises women to give a man ‘who doesn’t gross them out’ a chance. The other expert put it this way: “if the thought of kissing him doesn’t make you nauseous, give him a chance.” Why set the bar so low? Excuse me but … is this how men decide to give women a chance? So why should women settle for someone who doesn’t gross them out or make them nauseous? Are we really that desperate to get married or have relationships? Sexual intimacy and compatibility and being physically attracted to someone are important, at any age. Of course people should be given a chance. But, even if there is no immediate spark or ‘chemistry’, there should at least be enough physical attraction to motivate me to get to know him better, in the hope that the spark will eventually be there. This is how grown up men approach it. They’re willing to give nice women that they find attractive a chance but they certainly don’t set the bar as low as women seem to be expected to do.
Rachel says:
Good idea to take time to get to know your date and let him get to know you.
Good advice Bobbi.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Thanks for sharing your story, Christine! I’m so happy to hear about you and your sister. LOVE what you said: the most dazzling dates didn’t turn out to be the best partners. That’s almost 100% true. The WOW dates are most often the ones that never turn into a relationship. Glad you’re here! Bp
Christine says:
I can personally vouch that all of this is true. When I first met my husband, I knew that I liked him, but we didn’t have instant fireworks at the beginning. We didn’t have witty repartee and our first date would never be the script for a romantic comedy. It wasn’t until about the fifth date that I felt like, maybe, he could be the one. I think we did things right in taking things slowly, and getting to know each other. The funny thing is that my sister has a similar story about my brother-in-law (and they’ve been happily married for years)
In my own experience, at least, the most dazzling dates didn’t turn out to be the best partners, and vice versa.
Bobbi Palmer says:
I assure you that my intention was not to put anyone down, Martin. The truth is that some women find bald men incredibly sexy and attractive. (I do!) Others, maybe not. We all have our attractions. Sorry but it’s not up to me to help you build your self-esteem. It’s on you. That said, your hairline matters very little to grownup women who are looking for a great relationship. Please try to let this go. It’s more about who you are and how women feel when they are with you. Hugs to you, Bp
Martin says:
Great stuff. Do you have post where you don’t put bald men down like this one and “8 lies….”? I’m trying to build myself back up after a bad marriage.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hmmm Nancy, I had to give this thought. I agree that it’s a flag when anyone lies about anything. But I think you’re being judgmental. People have various insecurities about certain things in life, but can be quite secure in others. I work with women who are powerful as hell, but consider lying by a few years on their profile. Why? Not because they are pathetic or ‘low value’ human beings. It’s because society says only young women have value. They’ve heard this message their whole life. And it’s hard to fight against it. So it gets to to us sometimes.
It’s not different for men and what society says about him if he doesn’t make a lot of money or have a nice car. It can feel like crap. Maybe he does feel kinda bad about it. But he’s also incredibly kind, generous with what he has, great at what he does, and a heck of a lot of fun.
A little compassion can go a lot way. Hugs, Bp
Natalia Vyzhol says:
Nice blog. Thank you so much for sharing your information.
Nancy says:
Wouldn’t you say it is a non-starter if you know someone has misrepresented themselves, indicating there is no good reason to hang in and look for potential? Examples: 1) A guy I met many years ago (who seemed to not have a lot of self-esteem, pointing out his expensive car in a wounded way when saying goodbye) wrote — forgetting we’d met — but now his age is listed as 10 years younger (I Googled him and he has a professional online presence, so I confirmed when he graduated college, etc.) 2) Guys who claim they only had one marriage. 3) Guys who exaggerate their income and education. . . . Sometimes it seems tempting to write back to the person who misrepresented his age, except I would fear there is a pattern of low self-worth reflected in the clues I saw and that issue shouldn’t be overlooked and does not bode well. Plus it would be something that would have to be addressed and I wouldn’t know how to do that without being sort of parental or accusatory in bringing up the discrepancy.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Dee. You were honest and kind,and that’s exactly what you owe him. If he grosses you out and bores you, there’s no question that he’s not for you. That’s it. If he’s upset, that’s his challenge. He’s a grownup, right? He’ll be ok. Dating is about getting to know someone and, at some point, deciding you want to continue to be with each other, or you don’t. Most of the time you don’t. One time you will…and so will he. Voila! Keep taking care of yourself. Bp
Dee says:
I just ended things with guy today after seeing him for two weeks and 8 dates therein . Something just didn’t feel right after the third date and i couldn’t put my finger on it but every time he approached me to kiss me i felt repulsed . He didn’t get further than a quick peck and i felt the need to pull away then .
On the dates i did my best to let him take the lead with conversation but all he talked about was cars ,tv and his work whenever he eventually did find something to say ..
The rest of the time i brought up topics such as what i was looking for from relationship , what my interests and hobbies were , music i like and dislike , healing , family , children , animals , religion, politics , sex , you name it ! and i asked him what he thought about these things i brought up and asked him questions about him and his life and likes ,dislikes etc… to which he gave vague answers or no response at all ????
Initially i thought maybe it just takes him a while to engage in conversation because he did confess to not being much of a talker and of being quiet and shy which he put down to lack of confidence when i asked him what that was about . I found conversation dried up really quickly between us and it was beginning to feel like extracting teeth it became so painful to have conversation with him .
This all sounds really negative and i felt i gave things enough of a chance to see if there would be an improvement but after last night i just didn’t feel i could take any more and decided to call t quits . He wasn’t pleased and hung up on me even though i felt i let him down gently . I felt i did what was right for me and that we just were meant for different people . What is your take on what i have said here Bobby ? I gave mostly an overview but wondered mostly about the feeling i got when he tried to kiss me full on so to speak . I honestly felt like i was going to be sick each time he tried that and i felt the urge to pull away as soon as he attempted more than a peck . I’d appreciate some feedback on this . Thanks and love x
Bobbi Palmer says:
Love your story, Jessica! Thank you so much for sharing it with us. You GO! Bp
JessicaTrot says:
Great articles as always. I just met a guy on eHarmony. Things were going great, but every time we met, he acted less confident than he did when we were chatting online. It felt weird meeting someone who isn’t that person. Of course, it wasn’t that bad, but I immediately placed him in the “no-go” zone. It’s foolish to judge people so quickly and I knew I would be losing a great man because of one tiny thing. I had the patience for him to relax and be himself in front of me. Totally worked! Patience is definitely one of the keys to finding love.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi TooSmart. Hell, I don’t care if that man was a millionaire, a Mensa member and looked like George Clooney…if he criticized you run or the freaking hills! You’re so right.
Three are millions of men out there, sister. Some are looking for the chemistry thing, which, btw, I find most women are looking for until I coach them about how silly that is. But many men are like you and looking for a real connection. You need to attend my free webinar on Sept 10: How to Meet More Men. Here is the link: http://events.datelikeagrownup.com/event-registration-2/
Hope to see you there! Thanks for your message. Bp
TooSmart says:
I like the “start with finding 3 things you like about him.” advice. As a matter of fact I already apply that. But shouldn’t men do the same? My impression is that it are men who are obsessed with the instant chemistry thing. I have had a fair share of dates where I thought that we had a pleasant conversation and would have accepted a second date only to never hear from the guy again or get the dreaded “there was no chemistry” email (at least these guys let me know something).
Let’s be realistic: men can afford to do this because they know that there are more women than men, so they have more options…
Another thing. Sometimes you do find three things you like about a man but you also notice a character trait which overshadows everything. I recently had a date with a man who is intelligent, financially stable and not bad looking. I found him however pretty negative and critical of me during our first date. At 50 I don’t have that many options but no way I want to be with someone who makes me feel as if I have to justify myself all the time.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Lynn. I know. It IS frustrating! I really want to help but am reluctant to “diagnose” anything here (with so little information). My next Grownup Girls’ Night Out is about online dating. Why don’t you register (it’s free) and join me? https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/ggno . Also, I have a new program coming up in a few weeks that may answer a lot of questions. I’m glad you’re here. Stay with me, ok? Hugs. Bp
Lynn says:
I’ve done professional pictures, written countless profiles following lots of dating guru’s advice, etc….NOTHING!!! I’m 53, very fit, attractive, financially stable, active, fun, emotionally prepared to be in a relationship and I just don’t get it. I’m currently on eHarmony and get no responses. I was on POF and found every ‘lounge lizard’ over 60 years old creeping my way. I can’t keep trying to “sell myself” any longer online. I’m at the golf course almost every day, in the gym, on the hiking trails and still…a BIG FAT ZERO! I’m just living my life and sending out prayers to the Universe every day. It’s so frustrating.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi M.E., I recommend Match.com for the volume and maybe OKCupid; OurTime for over 50 dating; eHarmony if you prefer to be less passive; and there are many niche sites you can also do like ChristianMingle, Jdate, FarmersOnly…there are many. But the key is that on any sire you have to really know how to do it right. I’ll be announcing a program in August to help you do just that!
Bobbi Palmer says:
Thanks Lady Yudy! Glad to hear from you. Bp
Lady Yudy says:
Nice one. Though I believe one should look out for red flags and deal breakers from the very first date. Its better to cut out and go your separate ways early, before emotions get all tangled up.
Cheers.
M.E. says:
So true.
Which dating sites are good?