Do you have friends with benefits? In other words, a sexual relationship with someone you have no intention of ever committing to? Or maybe they have no intention of ever committing to you?
It may seem like a very “grownup” thing to do – getting your intimacy needs met while still dating other men. But read why Bobbi says these kind of friends with benefits arrangements may be keeping you single.
Hi Bobbi,
I am one of those fifty plus women who definitely is still interested in sex. In fact, I have a standing arrangement with an ex – he comes to my home every other weekend, we enjoy each other, and he leaves the next day (he lives two hours away.) We are both on the same page as to the fact this is just about sex with a friend and that we are both actively looking for a ‘proper’ relationship and that our meetings will stop when one of us meets a potential partner. My question is this… How do I avoid feeling slightly ‘slutty’ when I go out with other men? To be clear, I do not have sex with any of the men I date and do not intend to, at least until I meet someone that I feel serious about at which point I would, as I said, break it off with my lover. Logically, I don’t feel I’m doing anything wrong. I haven’t committed to the men I’m dating and am not betraying them. I also would never lie about it if I was directly asked. However, in my heart, I do feel guilty, as if I’m misleading them and that they would think badly of me if they knew. Yet, on the other hand, since I have no clue when (or even if) I will ever meet someone with whom I want to spend the rest of life, I am reluctant to give up my lover. Do you have any words of advice to help me get over a guilty conscience?
Suzy,
You are calling yourself slutty; that tells me all. You feel guilty because what you’re doing isn’t right for you. I understand that sex is good but your standing arrangement is getting in the way of you finding a relationship, sister. Here are just a few reasons why:
1. Every other weekend you are taking yourself out of the dating market to be with your lover.
2. I don’t believe a woman can consistently have sex with and sleep with a man and not have him take up space in her heart and head.
3. You feel bad about yourself for doing this and your self-judgement has to leak out when you meet other men.
4. You don’t feel like you can relax and be your authentic self with other men because you are hiding this.
5. If you do manage to overcome all of the above, will this be a secret you’ll have to keep forever?
Your arrangement is getting in the way of you moving on and finding a real partner. So my advice: dump the ex so you can create space for what’s next.
Hugs, Bp
Yvonne Barcewski says:
Freja – You hit the nail on the head. Simple – if this woman feels slutty then she should stop doing what is making her feel slutty.
CHRISTINE ELLIS says:
Bravo!
CHRISTINE ELLIS says:
All your perspectives give me hope.
CHRISTINE ELLIS says:
eek!
Bobbi Palmer says:
We can agree to disagree, Freja. Hey, if a woman just wants to have sex and that is her ultimate goal, I say go for it. But the truth is that the vast majority of us have an ultimate goal of LOVE. I lived what you’re talking about for years – thinking I could just screw around and “enjoy” sex until the right man came alone. And for about 10 years I’ve watched many women try that too. For myself, as well as these women I’ve supported, it only leads to the pain of getting stuck on men who only want sex. And false hopes. And hiding. And excuses for not going after the ultimate dream.
Oh and one more thing about saying “it is rare that the over 50 dating market is so hot.” It can most definitely be hot dating at this age. Here are just some of the many success stories of women who are living that truth.
I’m grateful for your comment, Freja and participation here. But nope, I’ll never recommend that women settle for sexual encounters while they wait for love. Just. Won’t. Happen.
Freja says:
I have to say that while there are good points, I disagree with this advice entirely. It’s important to be congruent with what you’re looking for, yes, 100% And if a woman is feeling guilty about having sex maybe her feelings about woman and sex are what should be examined, especially since her particular situation appears to be mutually caring and healthy. Sex is healthy, intimacy is healthy, it’s healthy emotionally and physically and is extremely important, it’s also good for the self esteem and helps with new relationships as well because a big thing is when you’ve been out of the sexual “game” for a long time it can be daunting to re-enter. To deny ourselves of a core need unless we meet Mr. Perfect who is going to be our husband is maybe a nice religious ideal, but not everyone subscribes to religious and sexual deprivation belief systems. Is she avoiding dates or looking for a mate to have sex with her ex? Yeah that could be a problem.. but as a poster below said, it is rare that the over 50 dating market is so hot that she’d be missing out on much by spending one night every 2 weeks with a man to make love. More people would be lucky indeed to have such a fantastic arrangement. Ditch the guilt and embrace the sexy. When the time comes to have sex with a man then monogamy or exclusivity can be a conscious and adult discussion or agreement.
Bobbi Palmer says:
I lOVE your perspective on this, Kenley and I find it to be true. Most men are very direct about it. And rather than being selfish jerks, they are usually just avoiding getting hurt (again). Thank you for sharing that.
NOW…on to you. I’d love for you to do some investigating into why you feel you can’t be open with men with whom you are in a relationship but you can with FWB. Seems that you’re the one who made the rule that you can only feel safe when there is no commitment. I bet you know (intellectually) that there are a lot of men who would be great partners AND would love you to tell them what you like sexually. So…what is it in your past that tells you otherwise? Something to think about. I’d love to see you with a committed, good man who is also open and communicative about sexual desires. He’s out there if only you are willing to let him in! Hugs, Bp
Kenley says:
Hi, Bobbi,
I enjoy your blog and much of the advice you offer. I must say that if the women you coach don’t run into men who are only interested in sex, they are very lucky indeed. As a woman over 50 dating, I run into tons of men that are only looking for sex. However, I have an interesting perspective on it that I think may be worth considering.
1. First, the good news is that many — actually almost all of the men that I have met who are only looking for sex are very upfront about it. There is no deception involved. They are not trying to trick women into having sex and then disappearing.
2. This one is big — only wanting sex is not about you, it’s often about them. What do I mean by that. Well, I was running into so many men who only wanted sex that I finally asked a few why was that all they wanted. And the answer really surprised me. Many said — I have been hurt and don’t want to be hurt again, or I don’t have time to invest. Basically, what the men are saying is I only want sex because sex is ALL they have to give. I think women often interpret the all men want is sex is somehow a deficiency on her part — if I were younger, or prettier, or thinner, or something, then they would want more. And I am not so sure that is always true.
While I think that the FWB is not great for many women. It has worked form me in that it was only with my FWB, that I was really open about what I wanted sexually because there was no judgement…no judgement in discussing our likes, our fantasies, etc. And, no pressure or resentment to do something we didn’t like. Sadly, for whatever reason, I never felt I could be that open with my full relationship partners.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Trish. We often rationalize because we are ultimately afraid of commitment, making mistakes, getting rejected (again). I did it for decades. I love this: why can’t we conscious women give ourselves permission to risk the comfort zone, and be scared all the way until that special someone shows up. You, my friend, are right on the $ there. Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Lisa. I definitely take issue with some things you shared but you have a right to your opinion. Of course, I’ll post your response. I have to say that your statement “EVERY one of those men (unless they are not very attractive, so may not have “options.”) are more than likely having sex with whomever they can get with” is way off the mark. Almost every day for the past 10 years I’ve been talking to women who are dating and in relationships. The number of them who encounter over-40 men who are only looking for sex is next to none. True, certain women continually experience men who seem only interested in having sex with them, but they are the very small minority. And they are somehow – usually unconsciously – attracting it.
I lived what you’re saying about being so single for so long that even the slight brush of a man against my arm would send shockwaves through me. I finally learned, though, that I was chasing away the good men and continually choosing the men you’re speaking of. Never, ever, would I suggest settling for a man who doesn’t make you happy. Though I will suggest that the pickiness you speak of is so often based on teenage silliness and nonsense. Here are some ideas for how to pick a good man. I hope you find peace of mind and happiness. https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/how-to-tell-if-hes-a-good-man/ Bp
Trish says:
Right on the $….agree totally with your advice.
How often do we rationalize our behavior with
regard to relationships, dismissing it as an action
totally unrelated with no consequences?
We delude ourselves. I’d have to ask Suzy if she
is truly committed to finding a significant other.
She may be ambivalent, not ready, or comfortable
sexing her ex-, yet convincing herself otherwise.
Why can’t we give ourselves permission
to be free, unattached, and not needing anything more?
Conversely, why can’t we conscious women give ourselves
permission to risk the comfort zone, and be scared all
the way until that special someone shows up.
is on the way. just not
plugged in to anythingsomething
totally
Lisa says:
Well I have something to say about this. This statement she made: “However, in my heart, I do feel guilty, as if I’m misleading them and that they would think badly of me if they knew.” She better get it through her head that EVERY one of those men (unless they are not very attractive, so may not have “options.”) are more than likely having sex with whomever they can get with (her too if she lets them) including maybe a booty call who they deem is just THAT and not anything more to them…although the poor woman may not know that!!…so why should she feel guilty about what these men think? She is obviously one of these women who think that going out with man a few times makes them EXCLUSIVE with her and we all know that is crap, as unless you have the exclusivity talk with them first they could be having sex with multiple women! Whereas with her she’s at least just having it with one…they know each other is clean…they like each other, and they know that it will end when one or both finds another. It isn’t IDEAL sadly enough! But all statistics in the health world and I have read these articles over and over again…state that people who have good sex and really more so with a partner than by oneself (!) live longer, have happier lives, are more desirable to others, etc. so I can’t blame her.
Every one of us women are different. Most of you gurus say us over -50 women should be going out on 3 dates a week. Laughable at best! I’m on 2 dating sites and first of all… I’m not contacted enough most of the time by any men I’d ever be attracted to in a million years! Most of them sound like morons in their profiles and I don’t find them attractive. Sorry but sooner or later a man will want to have sex with you, so you BETTER be physically attracted to him, cuz FAKING it… doesn’t work in the long run. I also get the young booty callers (so that in itself will let you know I’m not ugly myself, am fit and intelligent) in their 20s and 30s…not interested! And then there are the scammers who steal profiles who love to contact older possibly well off, but lonely women. I have turned in many to the sites. So
I usually don’t have even one man I’m interested in ever try to ask me out now per week, let alone three men! And let me tell you…a discriminating woman who is NOT willing to settle for what I’ve come across out there…can go for really long stretches…like years… without the touch or sexual intimacy of a man (I know this first hand) and I think that can really cause some emotional issues in making a woman feel very undesirable. So hey! If she has someone to make her feel desirable while she’s waiting for a man who may or may not ever come along…(and sadly it isn’t gonna happen for all of us. Just aren’t enough good ones left now to go around in our age group. Every year the pool shrinks. Note I said “Good.”) …then all the more power to her. I’m sure you won’t send my response to her…but too bad, as she truly needs to hear the other side. Thanks.