Are “Friends with Benefits” Ruining Your Love Life?

Do you have friends with benefits? In other words, a sexual relationship with someone you have no intention of ever committing to? Or maybe they have no intention of ever committing to you?

It may seem like a very “grownup” thing to do – getting your intimacy needs met while still dating other men. But read why Bobbi says these kind of friends with benefits arrangements may be keeping you single.

Hi Bobbi,
I am one of those fifty plus women who definitely is still interested in sex. In fact, I have a standing arrangement with an ex – he comes to my home every other weekend, we enjoy each other, and he leaves the next day (he lives two hours away.) We are both on the same page as to the fact this is just about sex with a friend and that we are both actively looking for a ‘proper’ relationship and that our meetings will stop when one of us meets a potential partner. My question is this… How do I avoid feeling slightly ‘slutty’ when I go out with other men? To be clear, I do not have sex with any of the men I date and do not intend to, at least until I meet someone that I feel serious about at which point I would, as I said, break it off with my lover. Logically, I don’t feel I’m doing anything wrong. I haven’t committed to the men I’m dating and am not betraying them. I also would never lie about it if I was directly asked. However, in my heart, I do feel guilty, as if I’m misleading them and that they would think badly of me if they knew. Yet, on the other hand, since I have no clue when (or even if) I will ever meet someone with whom I want to spend the rest of life, I am reluctant to give up my lover. Do you have any words of advice to help me get over a guilty conscience?

You are calling yourself slutty; that tells me all. You feel guilty because what you’re doing isn’t right for you. I understand that sex is good but your standing arrangement is getting in the way of you finding a relationship, sister. Here are just a few reasons why:

1. Every other weekend you are taking yourself out of the dating market to be with your lover.

2. I don’t believe a woman can consistently have sex with and sleep with a man and not have him take up space in her heart and head.

3. You feel bad about yourself for doing this and your self-judgement has to leak out when you meet other men.

4. You don’t feel like you can relax and be your authentic self with other men because you are hiding this.

5. If you do manage to overcome all of the above, will this be a secret you’ll have to keep forever?

Your arrangement is getting in the way of you moving on and finding a real partner. So my advice: dump the ex so you can create space for what’s next.

Hugs, Bp

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