Do you have friends with benefits? In other words, a sexual relationship with someone you have no intention of ever committing to? Or maybe they have no intention of ever committing to you?
It may seem like a very “grownup” thing to do – getting your intimacy needs met while still dating other men. But read why Bobbi says these kind of friends with benefits arrangements may be keeping you single.
I am one of those fifty plus women who definitely is still interested in sex. In fact, I have a standing arrangement with an ex – he comes to my home every other weekend, we enjoy each other, and he leaves the next day (he lives two hours away.) We are both on the same page as to the fact this is just about sex with a friend and that we are both actively looking for a ‘proper’ relationship and that our meetings will stop when one of us meets a potential partner. My question is this… How do I avoid feeling slightly ‘slutty’ when I go out with other men? To be clear, I do not have sex with any of the men I date and do not intend to, at least until I meet someone that I feel serious about at which point I would, as I said, break it off with my lover. Logically, I don’t feel I’m doing anything wrong. I haven’t committed to the men I’m dating and am not betraying them. I also would never lie about it if I was directly asked. However, in my heart, I do feel guilty, as if I’m misleading them and that they would think badly of me if they knew. Yet, on the other hand, since I have no clue when (or even if) I will ever meet someone with whom I want to spend the rest of life, I am reluctant to give up my lover. Do you have any words of advice to help me get over a guilty conscience?
You are calling yourself slutty; that tells me all. You feel guilty because what you’re doing isn’t right for you. I understand that sex is good but your standing arrangement is getting in the way of you finding a relationship, sister. Here are just a few reasons why:
1. Every other weekend you are taking yourself out of the dating market to be with your lover.
2. I don’t believe a woman can consistently have sex with and sleep with a man and not have him take up space in her heart and head.
3. You feel bad about yourself for doing this and your self-judgement has to leak out when you meet other men.
4. You don’t feel like you can relax and be your authentic self with other men because you are hiding this.
5. If you do manage to overcome all of the above, will this be a secret you’ll have to keep forever?
Your arrangement is getting in the way of you moving on and finding a real partner. So my advice: dump the ex so you can create space for what’s next.
I have to say that while there are good points, I disagree with this advice entirely. It’s important to be congruent with what you’re looking for, yes, 100% And if a woman is feeling guilty about having sex maybe her feelings about woman and sex are what should be examined, especially since her particular situation appears to be mutually caring and healthy. Sex is healthy, intimacy is healthy, it’s healthy emotionally and physically and is extremely important, it’s also good for the self esteem and helps with new relationships as well because a big thing is when you’ve been out of the sexual “game” for a long time it can be daunting to re-enter. To deny ourselves of a core need unless we meet Mr. Perfect who is going to be our husband is maybe a nice religious ideal, but not everyone subscribes to religious and sexual deprivation belief systems. Is she avoiding dates or looking for a mate to have sex with her ex? Yeah that could be a problem.. but as a poster below said, it is rare that the over 50 dating market is so hot that she’d be missing out on much by spending one night every 2 weeks with a man to make love. More people would be lucky indeed to have such a fantastic arrangement. Ditch the guilt and embrace the sexy. When the time comes to have sex with a man then monogamy or exclusivity can be a conscious and adult discussion or agreement.