Attract Good Men: Show You Need Them

This exactly why I was rejected by someone whom I had been dating. She thought that by me being naturally nice, kind, and helpful that I was encroaching on her independence. I didn’t want her to depend on me, but I at least wanted to feel needed once in a while. It explains why every previous man in her life was a narcissistic her who used her, including her own father. She said I was not what she was used to in a man. I wanted to be with someone independent but not to the point of not needing a partner. That behavior doesn’t foster intimacy, which she admitted to having a lot of issues with. She told me that she friend zones almost every person she has dated because of it. I should have listened to her and ran away sooner.

Spot on! I wish this information was taught is school, and I had knowledge of it years ago. Of all the sites I stumble on, Ms. Palmer is a fountain of hope in the quest to bring love into our world.

I am a very active 70 yo male, divorced twice, who recently discovered the wisdom of several female comics. Their insights into women plus my need to understand happiness has lead me to a place I cannot turn back from – much like a monk, priest or rabbi – once you have seen the truth you cannot survive by turning back. And remember, no one is perfect but don’t dwell on errors – the past is gone behind you! (To date, I have not yet found my soul-mate.)

If the moderator permits me, I would like to briefly share what I consider 4 fundamental truths in the search for a soul-mate, for both sexes. (not taught in school)

1. Everyone (normal) wants to be happy, have a meaningful life and lasting relationships.
Friendship has core values, including integrity, caring and confidence. Love yourself, love others!

2. You are a soul, with a mind and body.
We have a collective-subconscious, living in the cells of every body from the beginning of time. It knows survival and fear, and develops habits for survival (instincts). Our body and mind seek to survive and procreate. We also have a soul, a divine essence that lives eternal, and can control the mind and the body. The soul either controls your mind and body, or you live as an emotional creature, with uncontrolled thoughts and expectations, causing anger and frustration.
Your soul seeks joy, love and peace. These are feelings, NOT emotions. Use self-control to thwart emotions and instincts, and develop positive behavior to realize your feelings.

3. Its about selflessness, a/k/a unconditional love. And it’s sacred.
Men want to know the woman’s heart. A woman’s heart is filled with love and men want love. A woman can also create souls – they are special from men in that way! Souls are the direct pathway to divinity. It’s not about sex, looks, money, things…it’s about love. Give love, give time.

4. You have free-will.
I our civilized society, you can do anything you want. So can anyone else. Respect that always! (assuming legality and sanity). Review point #3.

To conclude: Love feels good when you give it. You cannot feel me giving it; you can’t hold it in your hand. So it’s unique to the giver! Two souls working together with love…WIN!
Be happy! Evolve spiritually to the divine. Settle for no less!

Thanks.

I agree. They’re not all like that. I must say though they make me feel worse than the takers. I rarely ask people for help so when I do it means I really need help, and for it to be refused feels like rejection. I don’t ask people who aren’t capable so it’s not like I’m unrealistic. I’m a people pleaser so I guess I expect everyone to be willing to help like me. I learned the hard way countless times. Some men have actually told me that I seem like the type to always get what she wants so they’re not going to help! They get a kick out of knocking me off their imaginary high horse.

If I gave up from a string of bad experiences or one extremely bad one I’d have never experienced the helpful ones. And the helpful ones make my heart melt because well I’m not used to it. Sometimes I over appreciate the smallest things and they think the bare minimum is enough. That’s something I’m working on though it was uncomfortable at first, it’s nice to recieve!

When a man offers me help without me asking it usually shows he cares. I was so tired of falling for men who don’t care about me but I think I’ve changed because now I fall for ones who do. The hard part is figuring out if they’re just kind in a friendly way or they’re interested in me.

This is all fine and well, but when you kindly ask a man for help…

…and then he complains because you’re asking for help…or makes fun of you for asking for help…or does ANYTHING to try and make you feel bad about asking for help…

…none of this is going to get you anywhere worthwhile (with him).

These days, I will only ask for/accept help from a guy if he hasn’t displayed any of the above-mentioned responses in the past. I’m sick and tired of men complaining or making misogynistic comments when I’m the one being vulnerable and admitting that I can’t actually do something myself. I only ask for help when I actually need it; I don’t need some a-hole making me feel bad for it.

Maybe this is true sometimes? It isn’t as easy as just saying be needy and or the damsel in distress and you will get the better males. Men are very fickle. Some women can ask a man with a 40,000 salary for a Benz or a Birkin and he will go into debt for it. The same man will meet a different woman and do as little as pay for movie dates and complain about gold-diggers. I would take it with a grain of salt. A man has to WANT to go to great lengths for you all on his own and it won’t matter if you are dependent or independent.

Moderation?

I get treated like that all the time by men also. They start off by helping me with my problem and then ghost bomb me for no apparent reason. They expect me to do all the work in the relationship and read their minds at the same time and take from me. They know how to start out the relationship as good guys. Been married to 3 different men with three different signs who started out as good guys but turned into emotional con artists all 3 times. You sound like you might be compatible with me. This article doesn’t answer the question about how long I should date them and how to make sure he won’t change after the marriage. I hate playing games like that.

I was at the grocery store buying a roast, these were on sale but only certain cuts were buy one get one free. All I did was ask a man working in the department for some help because I wanted to purchase the right one, and then suddenly there was eye contact and he just seemed amazed that I was actually asking for his help on this subject. Very interesting. ☺.

I am so independent and this opened my eyes

I love your blog!I am a widow 82! I have connected with my husband’s college roommate of 61 years ago! He is 80. He is widower of 4 years. My husband has been gone for 9 years around Christmas. I really didn’t know his roommate. Your blog is so well written. Your blog is answering so many of my questions. He and his wife were married 54 years…happily, I think. I like what you said at first…that usually a widower who has made it this long…is pretty safe. Any advise you want to give, would be great! I am in CA and he is in Colorado…We email and skype. xoxo >

I appreciate it! I wish to learn alot from you !

Learned this one the hard way about not expecting anything gets you the guys (and friends) who don’t want to give you anything. My ex married a needy woman.

I too was raised to be self sufficient by a strong and independent mother. Intent was good, results were not. Thought it was a good thing by not being high maintenance. Had no clue that ‘it’s ok, I can do it myself’ was such a turn off [face palm]. Truly thought I was being considerate. My mother’s intent was to not be helpless and to avoid any obligation or pressure for sx. Have had the same experience as the poster about coffee dates and expectations for night time and even daytime action.. sigh.

Good points from the men about feeling useful and valued.

What about when he needs to be needed for everything? When he wants to be the sole provider and almost… controlling? He loved giving me a credit card, and working on my car and stuff… but was able to make me feel like I owed him and I was just a burden rather than him doing it because he wanted to or was being helpful.

BP, I didn’t understand this piece of conversation at all! We get lazy, because we call the same day, of! I would like to call that, spontaneity!

This morning I woke up to a text from a male acquaintance – the textversation turned into a therapy session for him (which was unexpected, but felt oddly familiar. I later Googled why I attract a certain type of male and stumbled upon your article. I saw the italic portion and had an epiphany! I’ve never told anyone I was strong & independent, but I certainly have a problem receiving – even compliments. In this textversation, the guy said something that echoed sentiments I’ve heard, repeatedly, from men – ones my age and those 20 years my senior: “you have a commanding presence.” Other variations include, “when you walk, the earth shakes,” (which wasn’t a joke about my weight) “you’re intimidating,” and my favourite, from a guy whose flat tire I changed while on our date, “you’re scary.” What I struggle with is asking for help when I don’t need it, and then watching someone struggle and unsuccessfully do that thing. I’ve told my male friends, “I’m looking for a guy who is more of a man than I am.” Men, who I would never seriously consider dating, have told me “you are my oxygen” are quite comfortable divulging their insecurities to me and ultimately emotionally depending on me. Meanwhile, the type of man I’d entertain doesn’t seem to notice me. I was forced to be an adult, provide for myself and live on my own as a young teenager – it doesn’t even occur to me to ask for help; this self-sufficiency, apparently, came at a cost. Now that I’m an (overly)educated adult, I’ve tried to downplay what I do for a living and how much I know, but what is your advice for giving the appearance of desire/want to attract the type of male I’d like while not feeling like I’m being totally fraudulent?

I sooooo needed this “heads up” right now-thank you!

A man will never have to compete with my son because he is my flesh and blood. He will always be my first priority. I wouldn’t respect a man who put dating ahead of his children’s needs. So if back-to-school night conflicts with our date, I’m going to ask to reschedule. If my child is sick, I’m staying home. Get over it.

So, yeah. No competition there.

I told my ex-wife on the day that we signed our divorce papers that “I would have died for her.” I absolutely meant it… at the time. She told me on a number of occasions that she really didn’t need me and she was correct. She had money, her grown children, her grandchildren, and a solid set of friends and my utility to her was minimal.

I didn’t serve a useful function except as an accessory….or so I thought. This is a very hard thing for a man to get his head around these days. The fact that they’re really not needed. They may be wanted, but not needed.

This event caused me to re-think everything I thought was true about relationships and how I chose to give myself to a woman. I focus on my business, my dogs, and travel and screen pretty hard the women I choose to let into my life. They have to bring something of value besides sex to the table.

There is nothing more off putting than a woman declaring that she is strong and independent at the outset. This sets off an alarm. My assumption is, that this is a given in the subset of women I’m attracted to and it really doesn’t need to be thrown down like a challenge. It’s disrespectful to men like myself who are seeking a partnership. I often will not call back for that reason. In the past, this has often led to ruin.

How this translates into dating advice may be: Lighten up. Flirt a little bit. Let me open the door for you. When we know each other a little better, ask me to fix the leak under your sink (even if you already know how to do it). Make me dinner once in a while and show me some appreciation by taking me to dinner. If it gets serious, then make me your number one and never, ever, place me in the position of having to compete with your children and grandchildren. This last point is real important.

Men absolutely need to feel useful but will bolt when it’s apparent that they’re simply one other competing interest that needs to be managed.

This sounds awfully whiney on my part however, what I have learned is that my time, emotions, and energy, are valuable and that I’m the prize. Part of getting that prize is feeding my need for utility. I won’t ask for it but I will certainly walk away if I feel like I’m taken for granted. I’m speaking for myself, of course but I suspect that a lot of men feel the same way as I do.

I am a 53 yr. old single man, recently divorced and this article absolutely 100% nails it. Thankyou

Wow Bobbi! A true revelation for me. I can be fiercely independent and have made this mistake when on a date. The men will say that they want to take me to fancy restaurants and show me great things that they enjoy doing. I always say that I don’t need fancy, I just like spending time with them. Going forward, I will not repeat that mistake. My biggest struggle will be to show them that I DO need them. Because I do, I’m not good at showing it.
Thanks for this gem and all of your other great articles!

Hi Bobbi, I find this really interesting and clarifying, if not a little mystical, still! But it feels good and less blaming than so many other sites or advice I read. I’m 38, and haven’t thought of myself as much of a grownup. I think therein lies part of the problem. I would love to write this one man I met on New Year’s eve and try these approaches. I’ve been honest and vulnerable with him more than normal, and he’s been communicative enough that I felt safe and positive about trusting that he wanted to see me again. But we also had super strong and comforting/safe-feeling sexual chemistry! I went with my instincts and kissed him and enjoyed it and we both had a lot of fun making out. I felt he was approachable and open and that it was ok for me to dust off a 5-year long “sort of” long distance relationship that just ended with some fun. But he’s also someone I could see evolving into a man I’d like more than physically, maybe. He’s been “gone” for 6 days without any response to my suggestion of a third date, after he said he wanted to see me and asked me my thoughts. I’m working hard to curb my anxiety, but I also sense that maybe I should just give up. I don’t know how much to pursue someone who’s seemingly ignoring me. But I’m also intrigued in this scenario to “ask for what I want” in a simple, nice way, (aka, to see him again) but i’m so mortified I might be throwing my dignity at his feet. I really have so little experience with new dating like this. I don’t know if I even need to it to work out a certain way, I just want to have more positive communication like we seemed to have had and which I enjoyed. So many men (well, people) do this “ghosting” thing and it breaks my heart. He wasn’t doing it and now he is which feels like a real shift. I know I don’t know him that well, but I’m wondering if there is anything to improve the communication even this early on in these circumstances. How to ask for what I want (not to be ghosted) when the very idea that I am being ignored might be enough evidence to show me NOT to ask for what I want? Does that make sense? 😛 sorry to write so much. Thank you for this refreshing perspective on dating. It’s not easy to take responsibility, but I find it feels more in line with my vision of myself (honest and non-game playing).

I was that person for most of my life. Didn’t know how to ask for things from my ex husband even, mostly because his attitude got me to walking on eggshells, and that became a habit over the years. oh well. Not anymore for years now.

I’ve tried online dating for one year, then went on a few dates with people I met in real life, then that was it. Single.

All the eligible men I met had one thing in common, they don’t like to wait. They’re not interested in knowing me unless the dinner or coffee they buy is going to bare fruit immediately. Meaning making out or sex. One man even told me, after calling him out, that if he buys a girl a coffee or a drink, he’s thinking in his head: “she’d better give a great BJ for this so that I consider taking her out to dinner”. We then had an interesting conversation about prostitution!
Where are the men who were raised better than that? I don’t know, but they’re definitely not around where I live, a paradise of meat market.
So believe me, the moment I meet an eligible man who is a notch above this low, I will ask him to bring his muscles, brain and body, and come over to fix things around 😉

Thank you for your wonderful article, different from most advise I see online.

I do this all the time…NOW. When I was younger….much younger…like
40 years ago, I didn’t know any better. Now I do! I still don’t get any dates.

These tips are all SPOT ON! I wish I would have found them before a previous relationship. Thankfully, they reinforce the fact that I’m with a great man now!

I think this is a matter of semantics. I don’t think it’s so much to be needy, but to learn how to allow someone to do something for you. I am definitely a strong, independent woman, mostly because I’ve had to be responsible for myself at an early age. And one of the greatest lessons I learned in a relationship was to do some taking, not all the giving. It was a big deal for me to allow my partner to do something for me. We were both givers, and I learned from him how to take a step back and accept an act of kindness. It was his way of showing me he cared for me, not me being a weak person, which is how I originally viewed it. I remember him actually getting upset and saying, would you let me at least make dinner for you? Do you think I am not a good cook? It was his way of helping me at a hectic time in my life.. and it went even further as it was a huge lesson for me– just because he makes me dinner or is helping me with my job doesn’t mean I’m needy or weak. Being able to accept is just as important as giving. While the relationship didn’t last, that lesson is one I will always remember.

as a man i can say it is tricky for women to understand what men are driving at.
There is the independent woman who by action or thought is “i do not need a man” and the man is like what am i doing here.
And then on the other spectrum is the woman who thinks a man is a racing horse. demanding and never contributing anything. obviously the man gets tired, frustrated and divorcy…cant get a better word.
the high maintenance woman is a myth. unless they are paying their own bills. men want a return from their so called high maintenance woman. some value. they are not that dumb as some women want to imagine.

Yes!

What an insightful article! I must try to be more “needy” the next time I’m interested in a guy and see how it goes! I have been doing the exact opposite thinking it would make me more desirable.

I have recently gotten back in touch with someone and wanted to see where it would go with them. Things started out great. He was calling me to get together days in advance, picking me up, opening doors, paying for everything and being respectful. Then he started calling me the day of wanting to see me or just hours before wanting to see me. Which I found disrespectful. I never brought it up to him thinking that it would scare him away and so he continued his behavior. Should I have put my foot down and confronted him? Would he have more respect for me if I did? Sometimes I feel like guys who start out great but then begin to go bad do it just to see how much they can get away with. And in the end to judge whether or not the girl is worth their effort and time. Am I right in this thinking? If I am right then your article makes sense in that it’s about gaining a mans respect, and you do that by being demanding.

It’s refreshing to read sensible advice for women, although I’m a man. It’s extremely hard to find women that have a balanced view of a man being needed.

I don’t share this view. Needy, low-maintenance, and jerk are some loaded descriptors and mean something different to each individual.

The gracious needy gal sounds great and all, but where are the fine lines between stalking needy gal and constantly needing your time and effort gal? It sounds like an idealized character, as does Mr Good Man. I really don’t see how being low maintenance is a problem. Codependent, perhaps. But they can still get “the guy” as you say…I don’t get this article.

I owe my life to a broken typewriter ribbon. Let me explain: my mother, who is a highly-competent, got-it-together, ducks-in-a-row gal, was typing a paper that was due the next day and her typewriter ribbon broke. She panicked – she would rather die than not have her paper ready to hand in – so she called my dad, whom she hadn’t been speaking to for a while. He came over, replaced her typewriter ribbon, saved her day, and the rest is history. Phew.

It didn’t work out. I didn’t have the opportunity to put your advice to good work. We didn’t really speak after that. He still messages me occasionally right out of the blue to chit chat although its been months and i have moved on and am dating someone new. Men Blah……

I love this sight. There is so much useful information. I recently left my husband on 15 year, am ready to date. I have admired a regular customer of mine for quite some time. When he knew i had left my husband he began talking to me more. Showing up in the same places and finally asked me to go out. Yea me right?? We went for brunch, went for drinks, out for ice cream as well as spending a couple of evenings at his place taliking for hours. This all happened in 5 days. Wow!! He was on vacation at the time. Now he is back to work and has called me a couple of times but we haven’t seen each other. Heres where I think I blew it. I expected to see him by the ebd of the week so when he called I asked him if we were going to get together. When he said no he was too tired…well i got a little upset. He said he was married to his job for the next 6 months until he retires… Then he asked me do I expect from him? We already discussed it. Help. I don’t want to loose this amazing man. I am not looking for anything serious right now but i would like to see where this goes.. any advise on how to fix this

Hi Layla! I’m so glad you came to visit and are reading here. Thanks for leaving your comment. And btw ladies: Layla is my Mary Kay consultant and she rocks!!!! Email her if you need great beauty an health products. They are yummy!