In the past couple weeks I’ve had two spectacular clients realize they’re falling in love with the men they are dating. I’m thrilled for them because each of their guys is one of The Good Guys.
These women are confident, smart and emotionally generous, and they are seriously looking for life partners. These two men, like my husband, knew very early on that they made a great match. These two, like my husband, instigated the move to a committed relationship. (Do you see a pattern here?)
Along with the thrill of meeting a loving man with whom they feel safe, both these gals — one age 57 and the other 45 — seem to be coupling this wonderful discovery with angst. When “Jean” emailed me last night freaking out because her man hadn’t called, I finally had to give her a virtual smack upside the head. (Her words.) This was the third night in a row that I got such an email from her. And, lo and behold, the other two times he texted and called her later that night or first thing the next morning.
This guy has been in touch with her every day since they connected online. He has always done what he says he is going to do. On several occasions he has gone way out of his way to see her. For goodness sake, he asked her if they could both take their profiles down! In the world of online dating, that’s equivalent to asking her to date him exclusively!
Jean was exhausting herself and on her way to creating the very situation she feared: that dreaded rejection. I get it because I lived it for about 30 years before I got married at 47. But I finally learned to keep things in perspective and grab my grownup girl in times like these. I told Jean to grab her 18 year old and tell her that she is not needed in this situation. She should take her toys and go home.
Here is the email I got from Jean this morning:
Thanks, i needed that (insert imaginary slap in the face here). I AM acting like an 18yo. WTF? The guy texted me at 630 this a.m. just to say hi. When will I learn? BTW, there is a special place in heaven for you.
So…in honor of Jean and all you who seem to be paralyzed or exhausted by the fear of rejection, this is for you:
∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞
Remember when you were a child and the doctor gave you a shot…and you screamed your bloody head off? You probably started to cry before the needle even touched your arm and, even though it only hurt for a second, continued to cry for minutes after. Now seriously…did it really hurt that much? Of course not.
Fast forward 30, 40, or 50 years and think about how horrible you feel when a man you like doesn’t show interest, doesn’t show up or drops you like a hot potato. Ouch! That feels crappy. But I ask you: Does it really hurt that much?
Here’s what I say about that: Girlfriend, you have slain way worse dragons in your life than a man not returning your interest. You have overcome enormous challenges in your life that dwarf the experience of being rejected by a man, especially one you barely know.
I honestly think we girls like the drama and, sadly, some of us learn to be a victim. It starts with the shot as a child when that mean man is coming at us with a needle. It continues through our teenage years when a stupid boy doesn’t like us or our mean girlfriends exclude us. We feel such pain. It haunts us as we move into our adulthood and, try as we might, the man-thing isn’t working. (I felt a ton of sadness and cried many tears in my 20s and 30s. I just didn’t tell anyone.) This angst and feeling of helplessness can seem endless for some of us. It’s kinda what some of us girls do.
We can choose not to be that woman. We can be responsible and take some control of our emotions and, therefore, our lives. Here’s part of what I told Jean:
You aren’t crazy, but you’re acting like an 18 year old. You are going down the rabbit hole, and it’s very dangerous. Remember your goal and the reality of this situation. This is exactly how we ruin potentially great relationships. Take a deep breath and grab that grownup girl. Remember her? The one who up until a month ago was just fine without a man in her life?
So next time you find yourself moving into that place — the I’ll never find anyone, I thought he might be the one, I liked him so much, I’ll be alone the rest of my life place — stop! Switch off your young girl and reach for your grownup intelligent, experienced, highly competent woman. Ask yourself: Is it true that I’m being rejected, or could I be making it up? (Is the needle even coming at me?) Is this really such a big deal in relation to my life? (Does it really hurt that much?) Then, give your pain the brief audience it deserves and move the heck on.
Oh, and one more thing: that shot was good for you in the long run. I can make the same case for that relationship gone bad or the one that never got off the ground. Every one of these gives you practice and more experience with knowing yourself and what you want and don’t want in a man and a relationship. Like that shot, it hurts for only one split second. And when the real pain goes away, you are better for the experience.
PS: I love you, Jean! You are an amazing woman, and congratulations for the work you’ve done to get you to this place in your life!
nancy says:
Funny how this came at a perfect time. I had a similiar situation, I finally have gotten up the guts to email him (tomorrow) to say I made a mistake, I should have inhaled and let the air out slowly instead of reacting quickly after his initial text telling me i had overwhelmed him. ( I am a teacher, and deal with issues on the spot, I have 22 ten year olds!) in my class. So my initial reaction is to problem solve!
Your answer to Jan was perfect.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Jeanette. I know what you mean. Been there! I have to ask: Are the men you’re going after the ones who seem they might be really good (grownup) matches for you? And are they realistic matches for you? Or are you attracted to men based on some other more superficial reasons? I just want to be sure you’re not missing some good men who are showing you interest. Don’t quit. Just figure out a way to do it a different way, ok? Here’s an exercise for you to try.
https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/2009/06/time-to-meet-your-grown-up-man/
Jeanette says:
Great article!! But what happens if you’re rejected by most guys online and accepted by guys you’re not interested in? It’s really frustrating and it make you want to stop looking online. I know I’m sounding like the 18 yr old but it’s hard to find interest in a guy you don’t like. Signed so ready to give up!!
Janet says:
I know that my little girl self was and is very lonely. When I can, I talk to her and say, ” you sure are lonely. We used to be lonely, but now we have lots of friends to talk to, friends that hug us and encourage us and laugh with us. We don’t need a man to complicate our lives. Yes, it would be nice but it’s not necessary. I’m okay spending part of my life alone. I have things to do and I’m happy.”
You have to feel that way before you’ll attract the right man. We all give off energy and we don’t want it to be needy energy or desperate energy.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Darn! Well, it’s not too late! If you do something silly there’s nothing that stops you from emailing or calling and saying “Wow! I did something Stupid! I just reacted and I’m sorry.” You would probably do that with a friend. Try it. You have nothing to lose! Hugs, Bp
Jan Carr says:
Wish I had read this 2 hours ago before I sent that “I don’t need this” email.
Erin says:
Thanks so much for this. I went on a long-awaited date last night with a guy and I thought it had been going pretty well. He even shifted to the seat next to me at some point in the night rather than across from me but when it came down to sneaking a kiss, he laughed. I was so embarrassed. It’s true I don’t know him that well and I just met him last night, but the scorn of rejection runs hot and I find myself asking, “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, I know that not every guy I date is going to be interested, but I guess what makes it suckier on me is that I absolutely hate dating. Especially online dating. I really dislike recycling conversations I’ve already had on other dates and sounding like a broken record while talking about myself for them to get to know me. If only there was a way to figure out who you’re supposed to be with so you can save yourself the time (and money).
Nicole says:
Thanks so very much Bobbi! I needed that! I just met the guy 2 weeks ago. I hate this whole dating thing!We have had 2 dates so far and both he seemed really into me. He cancelled our third date this Wednesday because of a training test he had for work. I sent him a text this Thursday just to say hello and have not heard from him since.My friends told me to give him a chance and continue to talk to him if he calls again, but a lack of communication in the beginning speaks great volume to me.
bobbi says:
Hi Nicole: Sometimes there is a good reason he seems to have disappeared. Other times it’s because he’s “just not that into you” and getting back to you because he now feels ready to see you. In other words, he really doesn’t care what you want and just popping in on his terms.
I don’t know the situation – whether you’ve been dating him or you just met him – but it really doesn’t matter. When a man doesn’t respond to your communications, unless he’s been ill or hasn’t received your messages for some reason, he’s being a jerk and he certainly doesn’t care much for you. Don’t “play it cool” when you have an expectation or request from a man you’re getting to know. If it’s reasonable and important to you (which responding to texts certainly is), share it. The man who is interested and looking for something serious will oblige. The one that is not, will not.
Nicole says:
Not sure when this was posted. I just did a google search on this topic, but can someone tell me how do you respond to the “disappearing man” when and if he reappears after days of no contact or responses to your text? Do you play it cool? or let him know how you feel?
Susan says:
I am currently in a loving relationship, but for the first year and a half he was trying to NOT fall in love with me. He was dealing with his own fears. He would go nearly a week without contact and I kept telling myself that I was giving him the gift of missing me. I also didn’t wait around at home pining for him.
Once he let go of his fear and allowed himself to love me, things got real serious real fast. He is commitment ready, we are preparing to live together and he keeps telling me he wants to marry me (I’m the one dragging heels on that.)
bobbi says:
Rock on Katie!!! You have this just right.
Katie says:
Thanks to this one! Very Smart post Bobbi. Thanks for always encouraging Us to always continue with our lives and continue finding Mr. Right, I’ve been into so much rejection and before it really kills me inside but now every rejection is like part of process of making me stronger and continue on this journey. Every time I will date a new guy There is This thought that always with me “I’m better than yesterday” If I get rejected yesterday it’s fine cause I will never do the same mistake that I’ve done yesterday and will the best today.
bobbi says:
Hi Anita, Sorry about the disappearing man. You know there are so many reasons you may not have heard from him. His dog may have died, he may like women who wear a different color than you, he may have thought you weren’t into him…you know the drill. I’m glad you didn’t give it too much time. The One will cross your path. He’s coming…
miskwa says:
Good post Bobbi
I guess the best thing about this on line dating stuff is that I get rejected all the time and will hopefully become numb to it. Most of these rejections have nothing to do with me per se; they generally are due to where I live/work and short of bailing out of my job and responsibilities, nothing within my power to change. When I lived out east, there were far more suitable men for me to choose from so rejection was rarely an issue. Its also good to learn to reject as well
as many of these on line guys are completely incompatable with my core values. Maybe one way to avoid a lot of rejection on line is to read the darned profile first, eh? I recently rejected a guy who was tall, good looking, fit, seemingly stable and could probably come here to visit at 10,000′ without having a heart attack but he was both racist and unethical. It saddened me but it needed to happen. A question related to topic: how do you get over being rejected by a colleague that first pursued then rejected you? This is the one issue I am having a hell of a time getting over. I cannot avoid the person, he keeps volunteering to be on committees that he knows I am on. I have to avoid going to lunch and socializing with other colleagues (my only source of any socialization during the week), he offers to help me with stuff that I atrying to fix in my house yet never has actually shown up. He expresses worry about my going out into the backcountry alone ( no real choice here) and getting hurt but flirts openly with other women right in front of me so really my feelings and well being mean nothing. This sort of rejection is one I never, ever, want to deal with again!
Beth Luwandi says:
Bobbi, you are smart! I like the putting away of the 18 yr-old. Sometimes I think I’m more a two or three yr-old. I hope I’ve stopped having tantrums by now; I know better. My girlfriends and I were just talking about this. Why is it we women have all sorts of needless anxiety when there’s a lull from a man? And I do mean needless because no matter if he’s for me or not, if I just relax, I always get the truth from his actions. Silly, girl. Love the work you are doing. It’s so very helpful!
Terri says:
OMG You are SO wonderful! The “big girl, little girl” analogy is SO right on! I can’t believe I never thought of it before-and the “shot” scenario too! I do believe that with your grounding influence I may be able to finally put that rejected little girl to bed in my next relationship. I will be checking in with you regularly, Bobbi!
dolores says:
Very timely Bobbi! Thank you. Yes, I took the 18 YO and gave her a good talking to. No more of the I-will-be-alone-the-rest-of-my-life talk. I am an intelligent, confident and independent woman who does just fine by herself. I just went to Switzerland for 3 months alone. Loved it. I love my own company. If anyone cares to join me, that’s fine too. But the bottom line is – I don’t NEED that extra person. How liberating! Thanks for your weekly “talks.”
Anita says:
Bobbi, Thanks I needed this tonight as the guy who I met last Sunday,liked him, and called me on Wednesday evening disappeared and I was getting into self flagellation when your column arrived. Then I had to laugh at myself as I should know better..but those old patterns do not easily disappear. I think I need to copy the words, stay out of the rabbit hole and put it somewhere.