In an effort to help you understand the man side of this mature dating experience, I’ve introduced you to The Princess, The 18 Year Old, The Scaredy Cat and The Wow-Me Woman: all FemiTypes* that send good men running.
Today I’m going to talk about perhaps the most challenging of all FemiTypes: The Bitter Woman. She is a little scary, a lot angry, and all about being a victim. Not only does she scare and briefly traumatize the men she meets, but her bitterness probably seeps into all areas of her life.
So buckle your seat belts; this may get a bit bumpy. The good news is that you will probably not recognize yourself here – though I’ll bet you have a friend or someone else in your life who is The Bitter Woman. (These are not women to talk to about your search for love, btw.)
Who hasn’t had periods of feeling bitter? Whether you’ve been passed over for a promotion, had a crappy childhood, or had a man do you wrong, by this time in your life you’ve taken a fair share of hits.
A grownup woman accepts that life does not always go her way. The Bitter Woman does not. She marinates in her victimhood and anger, making most anyone who crosses her path pay for her disappointment. (Especially the men.)
Not coincidentally, The Bitter Woman constantly meets bad men who piss her off. She may start with “He’s great!”, but she will always get to “He’s a total asshole.” When it ends (and it always does), she is even more convinced that all men are jerks. Her toxic anger then reignites, and she is ready for the next target.
When it comes to assigning blame for her crappy love life, she is all about pointing fingers and never about looking in the mirror. It doesn’t occur to her that the lack of a great relationship in her life has anything to do with her. It’s all about lousy men and bad luck.
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Perry’s Story
“I actually met her in the grocery store. She was attractive and I liked her spunk, so I asked for her phone number. We had a good phone conversation, and at the end I suggested we meet for coffee. She said something like “Oh…you don’t take women you meet in grocery stores to dinner?” I told her I thought coffee would be a good start, and if we wanted to we could move on to dinner.
I could tell within minutes after we met that she had a chip on her shoulder about me not taking her to dinner. She made a couple of snarky comments about it. And the rest of the time she was bashing her first husband and all her online dating experiences. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough! And then she had the nerve to email me wondering when we were going out to dinner. She was scary. I can’t imagine any guy making that woman happy.”
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Perry was a nice enough guy. He was making an effort to get to know her. She knew next to nothing about him yet was already assuming he was a cheapskate or a jerk…and he knew it. I’m guessing that she was telling herself something like “here we go again…another one just like the rest.”
He was put off by her demanding, negative attitude and then relieved when he escaped before dinner. In the end he feels he dodged a bullet…and he did.
Bitterness to Self-Awareness
The Bitter Woman has created this hard shell that protects a wounded heart. Her irony is that she just wants someone to love and accept her. (Don’t we all?) But she is the least willing of all the FemiTypes to reciprocate that open acceptance.
She feels damaged by the men in her life. She may have had a nasty divorce, a cheating spouse or boyfriend, or a messed up relationship with her father. (You don’t need to be a psychologist to figure this as a possibility.)
Whether it was one man or many, she hangs on the experiences and uses her anger like a protective shield. That use of blame prevents her from taking responsibility for the relationships in her life, especially with men. She is afraid, but anger is her go-to emotion rather than dealing with what she’s really feeling: fear, insecurity, sadness, etc.
The Bitter Woman careens between self-pity and self-righteousness. She says things like “Those jerks never even give me a chance!, the unsaid being: So there’s nothing I can do about it!
Her self-righteousness comes out as bullying: “What…dinner isn’t good enough for me? Are you cheap or something?” And voila! She creates her own negative reality. (Is anyone having fun yet?)
I admit that The Bitter Woman is challenging. Her transformation begins with taking an honest, sometimes painful look in the mirror. Seeing and accepting that she is the common denominator in all her bad relationships is her first step toward freedom. (If you’ve read my eBook, you know that this was an epiphany that changed my life forever.)
Create a New Reality
Another part of the journey is uncovering your beliefs and assumptions about men, mature dating and relationships. Men are only interested in sex. Relationships mean giving up your dreams. Men don’t want a woman like me. All the good men are taken. My man has to be/has to do xyz or he doesn’t really care. Dating is scary and you have to protect yourself. Go on…write it all down.
Next, start to validate your beliefs. You have a choice: focus on the guy(s) who did you wrong (at least that how it looks now) and assume they’re all like that OR start gathering new evidence.
Look for the good men around you. Maybe it’s your brother, neighbor, best friend’s husband, chiropractor or co-worker. I’ve never met a woman who couldn’t identify some men in her orbit who were kind and a good partner to someone. Are there really NO good men? Anywhere? Really? And look at their partners. Is it true men don’t pick women like you?
This is part of the work we during Step 3 of my 6-Step Find Hope and then Find Him System: I’m Fabulous So What’s the Damn Problem? We uncover your negative patterns and deep beliefs that have been guiding your interaction with men…probably for a very, very long time.
What you Believe is your Truth. If you see any Bitter Woman in you, you can choose to take personal responsibility for creating your new truth.
I know, because I did this work myself. It took some serious work for me to get past my “Men Are” nonsense. This was stuff I had believed since junior high school. And when I exorcised those demons, all of the sudden I saw good men all around me.
Eventually the One was right in front of me. The old me would have scared him away. The new me attracted him like a magnet. Score!
Thankfully, the vast majority of you rockin’ ladies take your lumps in life graciously. You’ve had your share of disappointments and hurt with men, but you don’t hang on like The Bitter Woman. You know it’s okay to get pissed off, vent for a while, and have a pity party.
Eventually, though, you move on with hope, determination and an open heart. That is the way to find meaningful and lasting love – and peace of mind.
I know this is possible for you: a devoted man, a peaceful heart, and some sweetness in your life every day.
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* If you haven’t already, I recommend you read What Dating Is Like for Men (Oh…ya think you know?).
After talking to countless men, I’ve identified the Six FemiTypes: The Princess, The 18 year old, The Scaredy Cat, the Wow Me Woman, The Bitter Gal and The Sex Pot. I’m sharing what I’ve learned with you to help you understand and appreciate the men you’re meeting. This empathy will surely lead you to become a more grownup, compassionate and HAPPY dater and, ultimately, life partner.
I want to hear from you! Do you see yourself in this woman? What will you start (or stop) doing to make shifts so you can attract your wonderful man??
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Ryan says:
Great answer! I appreciate your integrity and consistency.
Diane Spizzirri says:
Anyway all is well Lou Rawalls says YOU ARE GONNA MISS MY LOVING
Diane Spizzirri says:
Thank you so much I am struggling to shake this blame is not the issue and if it is so what I allowed it I should have left him the first day he disappointed me I don’t do not want to be scorn angry or bitter I’m not going back to when I was probably with a gentleman he’s passed on and I have a NEW ADITUDE REINVENT MYSELF I HAVE A SPIRIT OF BEING LOVEABLE Basically I put it in God’s Hands I just want to be happy and with.someone that respects me so I do not have a abnormal reaction to a normal situation thank you I ‘ve got a long way to go
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hey Anonymous here’s the thing: those are the women you are ATTRACTING my friend. Just like men there are wondering women and not so wondered. Take some time to learn why you may be meeting only those type. You’ll be much happier! Btw this is the same advice I give women. Bp
Anonymous says:
What about most of the women nowadays that drive many of us men real crazy since most women are now so very high maintenance along with their very high standards as well? There are many of us good single men out there looking for love, but unfortunately we keep meeting these very pathetic women most of the time that are real nasty to us too.
Sarah says:
I too am a bitter one. It is interesting that I have a good sense of humor with friends but I do tend to be a bit less forgiving when it comes to the men that I date. It is true what the article said, I do hope that these guys like me, but I hold them to a standard that they are not even aware of. I somehow expect to be treated like a princess! when I am not, then I act up and make matters worse. Then I begin to criticize myself for messing up a possible chance at happiness and so the cycle continues.
Why I am bitter? well I have been single my whole life. No I dont blame men for not wanting to date me. I am just scared of never finding love. Before there were many more fears. But over the years I learned to depend on myself and take care of my life and work and expenses but there is that one nagging feeling that I missed something.
Tried online dating, off line dating, going out without having or holding any standards but to no avail. There was never any chemistry felt (some time I didn’t feel anything and other times they didn’t feel a connection)
So the heartbreak and the voices in my head took over and I became a bitter, over analyzing woman, who cant help but cry some night about being alone. The frustration of being single and the fact that at the moment I can not change that is making matters worse.
But there is always hope for us all. I guess my goals and priorities need to change.
How to be less bitter and more content with how things are ! should be my new goal
Good luck everyone
Bobbi Palmer says:
To be honest I struggled with publishing your comment but decided that it’s good for other women to see what anger and bitterness look like. (Men see this from women pretty often.) Sorry, So Tired, but even with your name here, you ooze negativity. You are choosing the wrong men to date and you will only attract assholes and users, and insecure men with your attitude. What you put out comes back, sister. I don’t doubt that you’ve had shitty experiences with men, but the response isn’t to be hateful and angry. The response is to figure out why those kind of men are coming your way and how to change it. Here’s a start: Are All Men Making You Mad? I hope you read this, though doubt you will.
Bobbi Palmer says:
My advice is stop looking for a man and instead focus on YOU: your value as a woman, what you want and need, and you what you have to offer a GOOD man. CThat ought to be your priority. There are instances when I think women should not be even thinking of a relationship and this is one of them. Best to you.
susanne says:
I guess I am the Bitter one. My college boyfriend cheated on me and broke up with me after he was already living with a girl he brought from overseas. Then shortly after he saw me out on a date with someone new, he broke into my apartment and raped me (1980). The police said my chances of getting a conviction were slim..so I moved and carried on with my life – but I was afraid and didn’t date about 3 years. Then, I started dating again and met an alpha-male guy, fell madly in love and married him within a year. Didn’t know him or his family but everyone thought we knew what we were doing (26 and 29 years old) and in the next few years I gave up my career in PR to be at home with our children. My husband’s career took off and once the kids were back in school, I returned to work as well. I was attracted to Bob for several reasons: athletic, outgoing, intelligent, romantic, ambitious. Not having much experience dating, I didn’t realize that he was actually a capital N narcissist – everything was about him – job, clothes, house, kids…and I couldn’t do anything up to his standards. He flew into rages, scaring me and the children. I learned that he had had a very chaotic family history. I was so unhappy, we went for marriage counseling. Bob said all the right things at our sessions but nothing changed. When the kids were still young, I got RA and was in pain and afraid of the future. I went on antidepressants and during one of our many arguments, Bob told me that I could leave at any time – but he would keep the children and if I tried to go against him, he said I was unfit. I was terrified, didn’t tell anyone.. just cried and carried on as best I could. As the kids got older, nothing changed. It was not a marriage. More a business partnership. He went out and did as he pleased – meeting with friends for golf etc. At home, he watched what he wanted on TV – mostly sports, and I was left to do what I wanted. I was so lonely on Sundays. The only family time we had was on birthdays or holidays when our parents etc would come over. I had many girlfriends, and we all exchanged stories about our husbands, but I never told them what was happening with me. I guess I was in denial, big time. I suppose my parents marriage was similar to mine, in that my father was a hard worker but he enjoyed going fishing and watching hockey, while my mom liked movies and the arts. At age 54, my husband’s career came to a screeching halt. Downsized; given an exit package instead of a pension. He was furious – felt cheated — and he alternated between lying on the couch for days doing nothing..to flying into rages against me. He was out of work for 2 years before he found something part time. Meanwhile, my son was not working or going to school and I was very concerned – he was going on 22 and had been out of high school for four years and just floundering. One evening, things came to a head – and my husband attacked me for asking our son how he was doing when he got home. First he raged at me for about 20 minutes. I didn’t move – was terrified. He called me every terrible name you could thing of. My son witnessed everything. Then, my husband grabbed me and dragged me through the house and threw me outside into the cold. I waited a minute and tried to get back in. He grabbed me and pushed me outside again. I waited longer and a while later, went back inside and upstairs to our bedroom. He came in later and apologized. I was in shock. I started looking for apartments, checking our bank accounts, making plans to leave without him knowing. Then one day when I was curling my hair in the bathroom, I noticed that both my arms were badly bruised. I had proof that I was being abused. I pretended to be going to work one morning, but instead went to the police. He was charged with assault, and had to take an anger management course. I was given 10 counselling sessions to help me start a new life. After we split our assets, I was able to buy a small condo and after a year and half, our divorce was final. He met up with a rich woman and now lives with her in her nice house. She has children, grand children, they go on holidays now the way we used to — and my children really like her. So I am rid of him, but he seems to have a better life ..and I am the bitter one. I tried dating, but didn’t have much experience. Was scammed and catfished by online dating. My friends were not supportive of my dating and most are married so not interested in going out. Now, 8 years later, I am feeling better about myself, but struggling financially and bitter because my ex’s life hasn’t really changed. He and his GF still travel every year and she is retired now. I have 5 more years to go, and still have a mortgage to pay, as well as car payments and credit card debt. He doesn’t pay me alimony because he was out of work for 2 years when he was downsized – but I never made more than $30K in the nonprofit job and even in my new job working with special needs children, I do not make more. I had a chance to go back to school in my mid-40s, but my husband told me not to – that he would take care of me! So yes, I am bitter. I try to be grateful for being free and having a good relationship with my children. I have good friends and we enjoy going out to movies, dinner etc. I have good neighbors and coworkers and a relatively stressfree life. I’ve met 2 really nice guys – but one had very young children and I was not interested in being a step-mom to them and the other guy is sweet but has a serious drinking problem (very abusive alcoholic mother). My mother (my BFF) passed away 5 years ago from pancreatic cancer and two years ago I learned accidentally that my father is not my biological father – though I don’t know who is. My mother died without telling me. I think she was raped when she came to Canada and my dad said he married her because he felt sorry for her. My dad is 83 and has multiple serious health problems. He lives 5 minutes away and I see him nearly every day as he has no one else – my sister has a cottage and spends all her weekends there and she lives outside the city. Recently she started helping him out with groceries but I am the main caregiver. So yes, life is good ..but I feel like I have wasted my best years with a man who never cared about me – and now time is running out. I am overweight, tired, a bit stressed financially and looking for love, mostly on my own. I’ve tried meet ups, singles dances, online dating, going out alone, volunteering, and working part time at NHL hockey games and doing liquor sampling on weekends. I read romance novels to remind me of what love can be — if the girl is not too interested, and the timing happens to be right. I see men my age sometimes when I’m out with my girlfriends – but no one ever comes over to say hi. I smile and flirt and even walk around to go to the ladies room and still no response. I am not sporty and don’t have money for golf clubs etc. I tried gyms but am not really interested in working out (I do yoga and zumba but that’s mostly women). I hate hot yoga – though I know men who love it. I like dancing but usually do it on the dance floor with other girls. I like jazz and attend a lot of free concerts – sometimes on my own…no one’s ever approached me. I go to the art gallery, museums, farmer’s markets etc. I am out ..I am doing the best I can. My dad is going downhill fast…though I don’t know if he will be here for six months, a year, or longer. I can’t take a weekend away ..and don’t even want to -he was a good father to me and he is lonely and in pain and I feel its my duty to help him in these last months of his life. When a coworker once asked if I’d ever get married again – I said absolutely not — I’d be too afraid to lose the little bit of security I have (my condo). But people can be a couple without living together – and perhaps when the right guy comes along, he’ll be too good to resist. I’m open to possibilities …but also have to be realistic and careful not to be scammed. Any advice? First steps… ?
So Tired of Games says:
Not all men are that way. Just the unmarried men over 30.
They go to great lengths to remind us how we “have no value” while theirs increases every year. They call us old and ugly during the date. Classy and charming!
Tell us we’re not worth marrying but if we’re lucky they’ll use us as discount hookers for a night or two.
I don’t have to put up with that! Talk to the hand, you delusional jerk. You think you look like George Clooney just because you have the same color hair? Mine is the same color as Julia Roberts but I’m not dumb enough to think that makes me her twin. Find some 20-year-old gold digger if you really are that “valuable.” (Or a hooker, but your “value” may not extend to regular prostitute fees so you date to get some for the price of a MacDonalds Happy Meal.) Or play with yourself.
I’ll stay home with my cats. They’re kinder and better behaved than the guys who deign to date me. The kind who act like Gaston from Beauty and the Beast but they look like Le Foo. Lol.
Say NO to disrespect! I only put up with so much crap till I say “Forget this!” and head home.
Muriel says:
I have had bad relationships, and i’ve beard some say, you are the problem. But no. Men sometimes approach looking for only one thing. Fun! But sometimes, there are more important things,than just having a good time. I noticed that men can lie a lot, they are unsensitive, nowadays someone betrays you, and all i hear is : you expect too much, is your feeling,deal with it! I’m not a bitter woman, i treat my family members with love, they know me so well they do their best to please me, and when is not possible, we respectfuly disagree, men ,when dating are very poor in values, and don’t want to give little extra things that make things matters. I don’t like following the game of ” i’m the clever one,you are the fool” because i’m not a little girl anymore, i can tell when men just want to suck my blood, and is very rare to find the kind of man that want to share what he’s got, is rare to find a man that appreciates you from the very beggining, just for the fact you are a human being. I had men telling me: i took you for granted” , “i didn’t appreciate you. That’s how they start a series of erratical behaviors,that leads to dissapoiment, and that’s how they end their possibilities of getting a loving woman that gives them all their best selves. I am a great cook, i make money, i can make decitions,i am clasdy and beautiful, but they keep looking on the wrong side, and don’t like what they can find there…
Are You Waiting for Some Fantasy Man? (FemiType #4: The Wow-Me Woman) says:
[…] My next article on the Bitter Woman FemiType is here. […]
Are You Attracting Cads and Pingers? (FemiType #6: The Sexpot) says:
[…] have and still do at times.) The Princess, The 18 Year Old, The Scaredy Cat, The Wow Me Woman, The Bitter Gal and the Sex Pot live or have lived in all of […]
Bobbi Palmer says:
Yup, you’re not alone, Sherolyn. That’s why I wrote it. I trust you are going to start doing some of the work I recommend. This will make things so much better for you in the love department! I’m glad you’re here!! Bp
Sherolyn says:
Good grief! I see myself in every Femi Type!! Sherolyn
Bobbi Palmer says:
I 100% agree with you, Angie. It IS healthy to have times when you are angry, but someone in constant anger isn’t someone that anyone wants to hang out with. Thanks so much for your comment! Hugs, Bp
Angie says:
If someone truly loves you then yeah I think that they absolutely would put up with you on the bitter days so long as you don’t take it out on them! It’s okay to get bitter and / or angry every now and then – it happens to most of us – but it gets a little unhealthy when we start to stew in it all the time. And let’s be honest, it’s not pleasant to be in that state all the time, either.
Also I think there are plenty of people are willing to give people with mental illnesses a go in a relationship. I have friends who have depression/anxiety/bipolar who are in stable long-term relationships so don’t worry about that!
Are You Waiting for Some Fantasy Man? (FemiType #4: The Wow-Me Woman) - Bobbi Palmer, Date Like a Grownup says:
[…] My next article on the Bitter Woman FemiType is here. […]
KayNicole says:
This may be an old post but I’m just reading. I don’t think I’m bitter. I think that I’m angry as hell. You mentioned that the woman should look in the mirror. I don’t care how long I look in the mirror, nothing is going to make me blame myself for being repeatedly cheated on BEFORE I found out and no telling how many AFTER a marriage proposal. That’s nonsense. I had an awesome relationship with my father. He passed was a teenager. Have you experienced childhood traumas? It’s easy to say get over it when it’s not you.
I don’t jerk men around. I don’t deal with them at all. Once thing is for sure, yes, we all want love and to be love and equally return it. Well, I did. I’ve come to the conclusion, that the best way to not have your heartbroken is to not give it away.
We all have flaws. No one is perfect. It’s makes me sick to read post that are quick to tell someone to run from the bitter person, or leave the person with a mental illness as if they aren’t deserving of the same love and care. Why can’t someone come along that would love the ‘bitter’ person on the days when they aren’t strong enough to love themselves? No. That’s asking too much.
Just so we are clear, I think that women are just as shady and full of it as the men. I’ll save that for another time.
lm says:
” I hope you’re not getting all that crappy treatment. With my experience and that of the countless others I’ve worked with, I can tell you that it is not the norm.”
I’m not sure how vast your client base is that you’ve worked with, but as another woman who’s been through a lot of what “D” has been through (and we don’t know each other) — as have a fair number of my girlfriends and acquaintances — I think “the norm” is changing.
Innocent Bystander says:
I love that you admit to having flaws yourself and show us how you overcame them!
D says:
Lol!
Unfortunately, it is “my norm”. Welcome to dating in my area of Texas. But I am in an area that is heavily populated by retirees and families, so there is not a large population of singles. If I don’t do internet dating, I don’t get any dates. It is tricky to find singles in my age group of either gender who have time available for friendship or to go out -though there are lots of seniors and widows who have befriended me.
Thank you for your well wishes and please keep writing your helpful articles!
bobbi says:
“What I have learned in the past year is that mid age men have their own issues and baggage too, and if they drop me cold, disappear on me, or stand me up for a first meet, I don’t need to beat myself up or constantly question what I said or did because his action might not have had anything to do with me. And if I constantly second guess myself, I only end up wounding my self-esteem.”
You said it perfectly! Thanks. Though I hope you’re not getting all that crappy treatment. With my experience and that of the countless others I’ve worked with, I can tell you that it is not the norm.
Stay out there and have some fun. Hugs..
D says:
Thanks for the reply, Bobbi!
I don’t have any “he done me wrong” stories, so I am not bitter. I like men and love my father and have several married men friends, so I highly esteem men and thus am not interested in “male bashing”. I expect the internet dating men to like me when I meet them and am surprised when they tell me (if they do) that I am not what they are looking for or that we have a deal breaker and they do not want to get to know me farther/be friends (or even meet if we haven’t yet).
What I said in my previous post is what I meant. After meeting lots of men, I have noticed SOME after only a couple of emails or phone calls seem to have a ‘fantasy vision’ of me in their heads. They tell me they are certain they will love me when we meet because they think I am so intelligent, so sweet, and my photo is so nice. Then they find out about something or a deal breaker and don’t even want to take the time to meet me or get to know me- apparently because I didn’t live up to their ‘ideal’. It sounded like what you had written about with the “Wow Me Man”.
I am really glad you are going to be doing the articles on the Man Types because dating is so new to me. What I have learned in the past year is that mid age men have their own issues and baggage too, and if they drop me cold, disappear on me, or stand me up for a first meet, I don’t need to beat myself up or constantly question what I said or did because his action might not have had anything to do with me. And if I constantly second guess myself, I only end up wounding my self-esteem.
Anyway, I look forward to reading the Man Type articles (and all of your articles actually) as the only men types I have been warned about are the men that don’t want to work and the wife beaters.
bobbi says:
Hi “D”.
Thanks for your comment.I feel for you because I remember those days. I went on over 100 first dates. I remember arriving and instantly thinking he didn’t like me because of the way I looked. I know there ARE guys who won’t go near an overweight gal. (That was my “thing.”) But if you’ve read my ebook I have a section called It’s Not the Size of Your Thighs. In my case I learned it was more about (what I call) my Wall of I Dare You. It was about my ‘tude.
I’m not saying you’re doing the same, but I would encourage you to be conscious of how you show up to your dates. Are you being positive and friendly? Or are you (like I was) closed down because you’re expecting to be rejected and mad at all the guys before him? It’s really difficult to mask — men are more observant that we may think — and it makes for a bad impression. Just sayin’.
That said, I”m definitely going to do ManTypes. (Or some such thing.) There are some real losers, bores, superficial non-committals out there, for sure. Here is an article on one type: The Pinger. But here’s why I started with FemiTypes: because we have control only over our own thoughts, feelings and behaviors. And what I eventually learned was that I was the common denominator in all my bad experiences. I am committed to helping single women over 40 (who want to) find love, and I know it has to start with them.
I’m so glad you’re here, D. But if you’re looking for someone to commiserate with about how awful guys are you won’t find it. There are good guys and not-so-good; just like us. But I’m a proud man-lover. I hope you can join me.
D says:
Interesting stuff on the “types” of women. How about doing an honest article on the “types” of men we should avoid and the warning signs? It would sure help me as I am new to dating (and I am 44.)
In the past, I have not understood why I would go on a first meet and never hear from them again. But after reading the few lines you wrote about the “Wow Me Man”, I thought that could have been what I had run into. –It seems some of these men really get a ‘fantasy image’ in their heads of who you are after only a couple of emails/phone calls, and when you meet (or if you explain yourself more on the phone/email before meeting,) and they realize you are not going to live up to their fantasy, they move on. They really are not interested in trying to see who you really are. (The way they express their disappointment can be really ugly too.) At first it was quite startling, but I am used to this now.