We all know that dating over 40 can be a bit of a jungle with challenges, surprises and pitfalls. I’m sure you’ve encountered your share of Pingers, Needy-men and Players as you meet single men. I get it, and you belong to a large, loving sisterhood. But it’s not only us gals who have dating disasters. Men have their fair share of icky, confusing, ego-crushing experiences too.
In my ongoing effort to help you empathize with those nutty creatures with whom we’re trying so hard to connect, I’m showing you my 6 “FemiTypes”: the over-40 women men date who send them running for the hills.
(Btw, I know that many of my readers are under 40. To you, this will either be super helpful or a stern warning as to what not to do as you “mature.”)
Previously I’ve introduced you to The Princess and The 18 Year Old.* Today you’ll learn about The Scaredy Cat.
Deep down, The Scaredy Cat feels unworthy and afraid to receive love and attention, especially from potential romantic partners. She has been wounded by past relationships and hasn’t been able to move on emotionally. While she carries these wounds below the surface and they aren’t there for all to see, given the proper trigger (like a man not calling exactly when he says he will), her fear can take center stage at a moment’s notice.
She operates from contradictory perspectives: “I don’t deserve a good guy” and/or “There are no single good guys.” Because she says she will never open up herself to be hurt again, she makes her guy jump through all kinds of hoops to prove he’s okay and won’t hurt her. She needs him to show interest first. But when he does show his feelings, she questions it and ups the ante or runs.
When The Scaredy Cat perceives that she’s being let down, her walls go up and she overreacts. She projects her expectations into the future because this somehow helps her feel like she has some control. (She usually doesn’t actually know this.) She sees problems that exist only in her mind. She can’t relax and just get to know a man because she’s too busy picking every moment apart and questioning everything. She picks the bad guys because she’s familiar with them and (perhaps subconsciously) they prove her right.
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CHARLES’ STORY
“I ended what could have potentially been a relationship with a woman because she just wouldn’t get in the game. I’d do things like tell her I had a nice time and liked being with her, and she would respond with ‘Thanks.’ I’d compliment her and she’d shrug or give me some bulls*t about how it wasn’t true. All these ways I tried to let her know I was interested…and she just wasn’t buying it.
“Then, after about four weeks of dating, I had to cancel our plans for the weekend. She hardly let me tell her what was going on before she unloaded on me. I explained this ridiculous deadline my boss had given me, and she says ‘Fine…just call when you have time for me.’ The attitude was like: how dare you…like I was some kind of jerk.
“She emailed me a nice note after the call, but that was it for me. I really liked her but after that attack, forget it. It was way too much work, and I’m not going to pass tests or constantly have to prove myself to anyone. I actually still think about her and wonder how she’s doing. But I’m really glad I moved on.”
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Charles was really digging this gal and hanging in, hoping she would accept his interest. But when he canceled their plans she probably had her dating life flash before her, remembering the feelings from the hundreds of times she’d been lied to or dumped in the past. (In truth there were probably only a few times, and whether she really was being lied to or dumped is up for interpretation.) She was going to make him pay for all the men who “done her wrong.”
So The Scaredy Cat unleashes on this guy. She’s probably used this shoot-first-and-ask-questions-later-you-better-not-hurt-me approach ton of times before.
Understandably, Charles is overwhelmed and a little pissed off by her unbending and over-emotional approach to the situation. Coupled with her inability to accept his overtures and just enjoy getting to know one another, he wants no part of it.
For sure The Scaredy Cat has dated or even married immature, selfish and/or unkind men in the past. If she’s like many women, she probably had a couple real creeps early on and is just repeating the pattern. In my experience, the truth is that the real bad guys in her life add up to maybe 10; and when you’re in your 40s, 50s or beyond, that’s really not a lot. Yet The Scaredy Cat uses those few guys to represent the entire species.
(As a recovering Scaredy Cat, I get this big time. It wasn’t until my 40s that I came to understand that real men weren’t like the two jerky man-boys who broke my heart early on: one when I was a teenager and the other in my 20s. It took me many years to learn that most men were awesome…and so was I!)
Because her defenses are so sky high, The Scaredy Cat turns away good guys whom she prematurely judges to be “just like all the others.” She tosses aside his compliments and attention. She focuses a very bright light on the one or two things that don’t meet her expectations. She is always looking for a sign that he’s slipped up and shown her that he’s just like all the rest.
When The Scaredy Cat overreacts to some perceived insult or omission on a man’s part, he’s blind-sided by her emotions. He probably ends it as fast as he can and voila…once again she is proven right: all men are______(fill in the blank).
Then her play can start all over again with the next guy. She’s living out a self-fulfilling prophecy of “I’m not good enough and all men suck.”
When a guy like Charles dates a Scaredy Cat, he can feel confused or just plain uninterested. His attempts to please her go unappreciated, and his emotional generosity is one-sided. The brick wall she has erected is just too high for him to climb; and since they barely know each other, it’s very easy for him to just leave. (I used to call my wall the “Wall of I Dare You!” You can read about it in my eBook.)
Men need to feel appreciated and trusted. (This is huge!) They need to know that they’re enhancing your life. When The Scaredy Cat doesn’t receive well, holds back emotionally, and freaks out over slight disappointments, good men go running because none of their needs are getting met.
From Scaredy Cat to Grownup
There is hope for The Scaredy Cat! I know because I was one. It all starts with breaking down those emotional walls that took years to build. The first action is Step 1 of my 6-Step Find Hope and Find Him System: Falling in Love with Yourself. (I based my system on what I did to meet my fab husband.) Once you do this, you can start getting clarity about what and who will really make you happy (and how to attract him).
Imagine feeling good about yourself and deserving of love. Then heap on an understanding of what would truly make you happy for the rest of your life. Do you see it? With this you can start trusting your own judgment! And then the fear and angst starts to disappear.
Do you think you have a little Scaredy Cat inside you? Can you look back and see how it has affected your dating and relationships? If she’s lurking, I urge you to stop, take a breath, and give yourself permission to acknowledge and verbalize what is fantastic about you. Then make a commitment to change the thoughts and behavior that are causing you to turn the good guys away. (A great place to start your journey is to read my personal story of how I finally found love at 47 and then complete the exercises I give you.)
There are SO many good guys out there! I found one, and I have many clients who consistently have great dates and have found great partners! Once in a while these guys disappoint us. Sometimes we feel insecure or unsafe. But we trust ourselves and we’ve knocked down our walls. And we’re loving our grownup partnerships. Join us!
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* If you haven’t already, I recommend you read What Dating Is Like for Men (Oh…ya think you know?).
After talking to countless men, I’ve identified the Six FemiTypes: The Princess, The 18 year old, The Scaredy Cat, the Wow Me Woman, The Bitter Gal and The Sex Pot. I’m sharing what I’ve learned with you to help you understand and appreciate the men you’re meeting. This empathy will surely lead you to become a more grownup, compassionate and HAPPY dater and, ultimately, life partner.
I want to hear from you! Do you see yourself in this woman? What will you start (or stop) doing to make shifts so you can attract your wonderful man??
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Learn the SIX things you need to know in order to set a path to the love you’ve been craving
Anne says:
Wow, I’m sorta glad to see I’m not the only woman who is learning this stuff from scratch!
I’ve got you a bit beat though Vicki…53 and haven’t dated in 20 years! Though I can’t even call what I was doing back then “dating”. More like, “You want me? Great! You passed the test!” lol
I hope you find your guy and have a good, healthy, fun time doing it.
Thank you Bobbi for sharing all these articles. I’ve learned a lot from them.
Are You Attracting Cads and Pingers? (FemiType #6: The Sexpot) says:
[…] my FemiTypes ever. (I know I certainly have and still do at times.) The Princess, The 18 Year Old, The Scaredy Cat, The Wow Me Woman, The Bitter Gal and the Sex Pot live or have lived in all of […]
Do All Men Make You Mad? (FemiType #5: The Bitter Woman) says:
[…] talking to countless men, I’ve identified the Six FemiTypes: The Princess, The 18 year old, The Scaredy Cat, The Wow Me Woman, The Bitter Gal and The Sex Pot. I’m sharing what I’ve learned with you to […]
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Rick. You were smart to move on. Sadly, she probably needs more than a good man in her life; she needs to work through her past. It’s too bad we get stuck in our old sh*t, isn’t it? Just like this, it makes us miss a lot of great opportunities for real connection and love. You sound very kind. Thanks for showing us the real result when we don’t have the courage to trust and move on from our past hurt. I wish you the very best in finding your wonderful, loving woman. Bp
Rick says:
Bobbi,
The Scaredy Cat femitype really described a wonderful woman that I was in a three year relationship with and still love today. I broke up with her six months ago because I couldn’t take it anymore. It seemed that each time something good would happen there’d be hell to pay as she would start doubting sincerity or intention and get a scenario stuck in her mind. She would believe the scenario to be the truth and her attack would blindside me because it made no sense. Most of the time, it was prompted by something her ex husband did or said in the past, although she was still embroiled in a nasty little war with him. Things would remind her of lies or broken promises that he had committed. I tried and tried to understand what was going on in her mind but I could never soothe her. It hurt like hell, but I had to leave. I wish her happiness but mostly inner peace as it seems she has a lot of internal chaos.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Sirena,I’m truly sorry for your journey so far. But you are here! I’m so glad. In answer to your question of ‘how can you not be weary’ going forward? The answer is LEARN. Learn how to better understand and love yourself. Learn how to take care of yourself and YOUR happiness. Here’s a start: https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/2015/11/how-to-get-over-your-ex-heal-broken-heart/ Keep reading and take advantage of therapy. You won’t need it for the rest of your life, sister. But you need it now. Again, take care of yourself. Hugs, Bp
Sirena says:
Dear Bobbi,
I’ve been reading about all the Femitypes and this is the one I am most identyfied with. See, I’ve been married for almost 25 years to what turned out to be a covert narcissist. It was a very abusive and toxic relationship. He left me three years ago when I was thinking about suicide after a 10-year depression, 80 lbs. overweight and with symptoms of what would be diagnosed as Rheumatoid Arthritis. Without a word, after two years of giving me the cold shoulder, silence treatment et al. Fortunately, my depression seemed to vanish shortly afterwards, when my main stressor was out of sight. We’ve been going through a difficult divorce for two years already and I am looking forwards to the time when I’m finally free of this man and can restart my life. But, no matter how upbeat and hopeful I may be, how can I not be weary of certain behaviours and be on the lookout for others’ narcissistic ways? Am I too damaged to expect normal relationships with the other sex? I’m afraid I might need therapy for the rest of my life…
Bobbi Palmer says:
Here here Bren! You are right on, girlfriend. Be sure you’re being kind to yourself as you move through being the Scaredy Cat to the Grownup Dater. You’re on your way…I”m so happy for you and thrilled to be of help to you!! Thanks for letting me know. Hugs, Bp
Bren says:
Wake uppppp call for me, but I’m getting better…..it’s happened and I say to myself…ok…let’s see…..if he calls back, great and if not…..next. I’ve done some incredible work on owning my stuff…..wow wish I’d known this years ago. All our old stuff has got to be dealt with before successful serious dating. I look at my patterns and go to my energy center now before I react, which hardly happens anymore.what I’ve learned…..I’m the prize, I also get to choose who I’d like to see again, ithis gives me confidence to make choices too, not every man is for me either….I go on first time dates for coffee now…it’s less pressure. I Go out with no expectation but to ensure we both have a pleasant experience whatever the outcome…..got lots to learn…..we need a university course in dating and you’ve done it Bobbi.
Melisa says:
Dear Bobbi,
I think I may see part Scaredy Cat in myself when I think back. It’s like I end up attracting the unavailable or afraid to commit males mostly over the years. Maybe part of that may come to some of the mixed signals I send without realizing it. I kept hearing how busy he was when we would communicate between dates which were spread apart due to schedules and long distance. I can see where I reacted to disappointment more than I should have and some of the things that were triggers. Overall, he was a really good guy but had a pessimistic attitude and a tough time communicating things on a personal nature which involved feelings and clarifying where things were at from his perspective. At times, we may have gotten caught up in a reactionary cycle with each other. Failure to communicate where things were and where they were headed clearly, and lots of last minute dates was part of why we broke up after six years. Any thoughts on this Bobbi and how to agree on communication method and frequency early on? I tended to get frustrated over lack of response on to emotional questions of where things really were and where they were headed. I wasn’t looking to communicate more than a couple times a week and at least phone once a week as text and email seems so much more impersonal when you have also a long distance as a challenge too. I’m trying to guage if my my expectations were reasonable as I think the FM type you listed does somewhat ring a bell with me.
Sincerely
Melisa
Vicki says:
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Bobbi. I tend to worry about others’ feelings before my own. I am going to your website right now. I am so tired of being alone and feel like it was fate that I found you! Thank you again for your support.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Vicki. I will lay it on you by “playing back” what you told me: You met a man who has no job, no car, no home, is insecure and unattractive…and you are wondering if you should give him a chance because you may have unrealistic expectations? Hell no, don’t give him a chance! You are a smart, successful, attractive woman. Why would you consider this man as a match for you? I totally understand you’ve been living under a rock when it comes to men. I’m glad I’ve given you some support with my writing to help you start coming out from under that rock. But settling for a man who is nowhere near someone who could possibly make you happy…well that’s not anywhere near a first move you should be making Vicki!
I’m thrilled that you ventured out. Good for you! But maybe you want to do some work on YOU before you start making decisions about what men to give your time to. I suggest that you take a look at my 6-Step System I use to support my private coaching clients. Sounds to me like this may be a great place for you to start. After so many years of hiding, it’s a journey to come back in a way that assures you make good decisions and take care of yourself when dating. You want find a loving, responsible, commitment-minded man who excites you and has your back, right??? Ck this out and if you want to talk further about how I can support you, get in touch! I’d love to help you Vicki! https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/private-coaching-women-dating-over-40/ (And ps: This man is NOT for you in any way. Don’t worry about hurting his feelings. Take care of yourself! THAT is how you Date Like a Grownup!) With love and support, Bp
Vicki says:
You are fantastic, Bobbi! Omg! That’s me! I am a scaredy cat! Who knew I was a “type”? I guess the fact that I’m 55 and haven’t dated in 15 years and even before that only sporadically didn’t clue me in! Now I am in a bind of sorts. I met a neighbor (yes, he came right up to my doorstep, which was the only way I was ever going to meet someone, because, you see, I’m a scaredy cat) who has no job, no driver’s license or car, lives with his dad, is shorter than me, very heavy, looks unkempt and has a habit of popping by my house. I have a six-figure job, own my own home, nice car and vacations, meticulously groomed, blah, blah, blah. I should say my years of isolation have packed on the pounds, but I have a pretty face. I went out on a date with him after reading your blog and decided to be kind and compassionate. My question to you is I don’t have that attraction to him and am wondering if it’s because of unrealistic expectations and should I just keep dating him, or is this not what you are talking about? I am so confused. I feel like a child not knowing what to do. Please bear with me. I am thinking about calling him because I may have given him my scaredy cat claws, but will I be leading him on or something? He told me the kind of girls he likes are the ones who like him and that’s it. Please lay your wisdom on me, Bobbi, I can take it! I reslly want to learn.
bobbi says:
Hi Jim. Thanks for stopping by and for leaving your comment. I’m glad I was able to help you understand why we can do the things we do. So much “bad behavior” from both men and women is due to some silly attempt to self-protect. Yet that behavior is exactly what screws up our chances of love! I always hope my work helps both men AND women. Hope you read the rest of the series.
Jim says:
Bobbi, As a 53 year old fella about 5 months out of a broken engagement to a lady who exhibited many of these type traits, I am finding your writing very helpful right now. I am looking forward to the rest of the articles, Thank you.
Charity says:
Wow…this was a major wake-up call. THANK YOU BOBBI!
I have been dating a wonderful man for 3 months, and suddenly a whole bunch of fears started taking over my mind… I was feeling a lot of angst.
In my defense, I slowly started finding that he was telling some white lies about small things, which were my “triggers” for putting my old, subconscious fears up on to center stage …growing into huge projections my mind. I didnt really think he would hurt me or cheat on me, but this horrible feeling in my gut (which I am thinking must have been the trigger from my past wounds) was overwhelming me.
I guess I was fearing if he is lying about these little things, maybe he is lying about bigger really important things. I know trust is so important, for both men and women.
We both have learning and growing to do… but I am so grateful for your article. Now I can see where my past wounds (and fears) need to be kept in the past. And I know now not to over-react.
It is so invaluable to know what I was doing…I did not know until I read your article! Bless you!
bobbi says:
Hahaha Dave! People often ask me if I coach men and my answer is that I help men by helping women love and understand them. Hope you agree! (And thanks for the “Dr” but I”m not. Just a gal who knows a lot about helping men and women make loving connections!) Keep reading…I appreciate your comments.
dave says:
Dr. Palmer – Not blaming the guy? Are you syre that you are female?
Innocent Bystander says:
If ever there was a Scaredy Cat, it’s me. Dating just seems so BIG and OVERWHELMING and full of PRESSURE. I’ve never been able to find a balance between pleasantly confident and guarded/expectation-free so that I don’t end up disappointed or hurt.
bobbi says:
Your very welcome, Pat. And good for you for being so self-aware and committing to learning and growing. You should be proud of yourself and know, even if this guy isn’t The One, this relationship is setting you up for the Real One. I see it happen this way time and time again. Be kind and patient with yourself, ok? Big hug.
Pat says:
For me, reading this was a ‘voila’ moment. It fit me to a ‘t’. The only difference is that all of this didn’t occur when I first started dating the guy I am dating now, but began after we were well into the relationship and I developed deep feelings for him. When we first started dating I heeded your advice, lately however, I have been feeling out of sorts with our relationship and didn’t know why because he remains the same awesome man he has always been-and now I know. I will read, read, and read, until it sinks in. Thank you so much for helping me get my head straight!!