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When He Won’t Make a Commitment…It’s Everything

I’ve heard it more times than I can count: “He’s got everything I’m looking for… he just won’t make a commitment.” The other day I heard that through the sobs of my gorgeous, ambitious, loving friend. She’s been with her man for over a year.

Including this one little word — JUST — is an effort to minimize the enormity of what is actually the truth of your relationship.

After she repeated “just won’t make a commitment” several times, it came to me that it’s not like he just won’t go to a party with her or just can’t buy her some piece of jewelry.

This is big.

This is everything.

Especially at this time in your life.

And, girlfriend, including this one little word — JUST — is an effort to minimize the enormity of what is actually the truth of your relationship.

When a man just can’t or just won’t commit to you, that means you will likely have a relationship without:

  • Trust
  • Honor
  • Loyalty
  • Security
  • Reliability
  • Support
  • Fidelity
  • LOVE

If you’re willing to stay with a man who “has everything” but won’t commit to your relationship, it means you’re willing to accept disappointment, fear, and insecurity rather than the love and devotion that you deserve.

It’s not a little ole’ just. If you’re looking for love, it could be everything.

 

  1. Don’t know why, but do know that if you want a forever relationship you ought to start thinking about moving on. Been where you are. I finally left after 3.5 years and am SO glad I did! I’d have missed my husband who I’ve spent 15+ happy years with. Bp

  2. I’ve been with a great guy for almost 3 yrs. He hasn’t committed, because he’s been hurt in the past. His family knows & likes me, but he won’t tell them he’s seeing me. Why?

  3. Why are you with him is the question. If its for pity you can refer him to a caregiver company and if you do feel the need to take care of people or need older friends there are groups and day centers to fill that void you may have.

  4. You know the answer. He doesn’t sound like a man who cares about you. Why would he marry you when he gets you to do everything he needs and wants. Please move on and find a nice, generous, man. Bp

  5. I learning from your site but I still have question. I’m 71 years women and met
    84 years old man.We are both widowed
    3 years ago he got heart attack and asked me to in His house. I did.Renting out my own house.
    I don’t have clue why He don’t want getting married.He was complaining He lost allot- ?He said because I was going to different clubs to meet new women 6x a week.I give it up for YOU
    What about my sacrifice?
    I’m sole caregiver- for free all chores and more because He don’t drive due to health issue.Don’t even make breakfast for himself and not eating when I’m not home.Complaining about my cooking- miserable
    I’m fed up with this and should really end up this relationship.Feeling like slave.My late husband of 50 years will
    Pay for garden upkeep and never wanted me to do heavy work.
    In my age I don’t know why I feel pity
    And where is my life?I never rest work and more work.He will not marry me because He was married 52 years good marriage and say most marriages ended in divorce.
    Well that’s tell me He don’t love me enough to be His wife.

  6. We are friends for 13 years then we became in relationship for about 6 months but he totally changed he stopped take caring
    With me. He became more jealous don’t supporting me or listen to me in anything. I don’t know what to do

  7. Wow..i am reading these comments of women who spent years..Listen ladies 1 year should be enough! Then walk..no matter how hard it is..

  8. So true. I just ended a relationship from someone i loved dearly who didn’t want or wasn’t willing to commit.. The anxiety and insecurity i lived with just wasn’t worth it..it took a friend to say. If he wont commit..he is going to hurt you over and over and over…and i didn’t want to experience that anymore

  9. Maryann, there is probably a reason why he is 58 and never married. Of course he could have made a commitment if he truly wanted. To me that is a big red flag. But of course the heart wants what it wants. I hope you soon find a wonderful man who is kind and loving toward you; you deserve it.

  10. I hope you do, Merrili! I’m so sorry for you loss. Bp

  11. So so true. Left my ex after 9 years because of this. Way better off not to be used.

  12. Congratulations Maryann. It was probably hard but you’ll look back and be so glad you did! I did that after 3.5 years in a previous relationship. It was HARD! But here I am all these years later SO freaking glad I finally broke free. You’re on your way, sister! Bp

  13. I am in my mid 50’s . I became widowed a year ago. Glad this advice is here. I was married to the same person for 35 years. If the universe has anotMr Right set aside for me then I would like to meet him.

  14. I broke up with my ex over this issue. Was with him almost 10 years. He is 58..never married, no kids. He cant make a commitment to me. So done and I feel so used! Your article spoke volumes to me! Very well said..and there was nothing to hold onto.

  15. Hi Bonnie. I know it can seem daunting but it can be interesting and fun. I”m glad you’re here and that I can help you. You’ll be just fine. Bp

  16. Thank you for sharing. I’m 50, and for the first time in a long, long time, I’m single. Learning how to date is not easy. I appreciate all the advice!

  17. And, btw, Rebecca, I find that for the older men — say after 50ish — most know very quickly whether you are the woman to whom they want to commit. These aren’t guys who are trying to fit you into career or raising kids. The grownup men seem to know their woman when they see her, and they let her know quite clearly that they want a committed relationship with her. In other words, if you’re with a mature man and he isn’t committing pretty quickly; he probably never will. Thanks so much for your comment!

  18. It is wonderful to get a man’s perspective. And Phil, your comment made me stop and think. I like how you expressed BELIEVE HIM . Because sometimes I think when a man speaks, sometimes we try and interpret it to our timeline, our wants,etc, So to believe him and decide if that is where you are and if that is what you can and want to live with. Thank u. something I will keep in the front of my mind.

  19. Hi Phil!
    I agree that sometimes we ask for commitment Yet we don’t truly understand and know the man from whom we are requesting it. I think it’s often because we are so anxious to feel some “safety” in our relationships. Your points about the importance of getting to know the man, what he believes and where he wants to go in his life are right on.
    Thanks for stopping here to read and to give your point of view. We love when men participate here!

  20. I’m with Naja on the expansion of this concept and totally get this message in theory. As a man who coach women, often they seek this “commitment things as if they are buying a pair of shoes.” I believe in understanding a person’s life stages and current love time-line of the man you are with. He will tell you everything you need to know about his goals and intent for the future but YOU MUST believe him. So many women believe they are able to adjust a man’s timeline because of their uniqueness that sometimes it creates more distant. I share with women to embrace curiosity in their conversation with the intent of leaning their man. If you are driven to satisfy his human needs as he want them satisfied, you will never have a commitment problem. You WILL be the woman he cannot live without but this requires skills. For me curiosity helps you to learn exactly where a man may be in his life and appreciate it totally. Compare it to where you are and then make you decision.

  21. THANK YOU BOBBI – for writing about this subject. All those things you mentioned ARE huge – GINORMOUS, in fact. So if a man is going to commit to ONE woman, then the entire relationship, top to bottom, side to side, inside and out, had better be “perfect” for him. Ladies, that doesn’t mean you have to be perfect or to change (especially not for a man, of all people!) If you want a commitment, and he simply will not commit – especially if he tells you verbally in a language you both speak and understand that he is not ready to or going to commit – then you (yes, the lady) will need to move on to find a man who will commit in a relationship. OR you can tolerate it and stay in a commitment-less relationship.

    Here’s another way to put it. When a man tells you he will not commit to you, then he is giving you exactly what you want in terms of honesty that he will NOT give you what you want in terms of relationship. At that point, you have a choice to make. And that choice is all yours.

    Take care!

  22. Hi Naja:
    Great question! I don’t think there’s any one description of what “commitment” means. I think it looks a little different to every woman.

    For example: my friend Helen has been with her fabulous man Tom for about 2 years. They live together, have promised monogamy, have a loving and meaningful relationship, and have plans for the near and far future. He is hesitant to get married, but not to make a lifetime commitment. Is he committed? Some women in this situation would feel that he is. Others would not be able to feel so unless he married them. (I do want to point out that I do think Helen is getting more commitment from Tom than some married women are getting from their husbands. Something to think about.)

    I suppose the definition of commitment is whatever makes YOU feel completely and unconditionally loved, secure, and supported – no matter what.
    It’s important that every one of us take time to consider what a committed relationship would look like in our lives. How will you feel when you know you have a man’s full devotion? What would you have to get from a man to be able to feel this way? We should form and express very clear expectations, and then not waver from those expectations when we are considering who to give our love to.

    A good man isn’t enough; you also have to have a good relationship.

    You’re right, Naj, we can talk forever about this. Let’s talk more!

  23. Hi Bobbi,

    I wish you would have expanded on this one… It’s SUCH a big topic between men and women (or more like women and women) but it’s also a controversial topic that deserves clarification.

    What does it mean to commit?
    If a man knows he doesn’t want to get married but is otherwise fully committed, does that make a difference?

    Would love to continue this conversation!

    Thanks!

    Naja

    PS. LOVE the new look! Great work.

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