Are you just a little (or a lot) scared of dating? Or maybe of actually entering into a relationship? You’re NOT alone!
I’ve been helping women over 40 find passionate, grownup love since I became a first-time bride in 2006. When these smart, independent, accomplished women come to me for support, almost 100% admit that they are scared of dating.
(That’s after they deny for some that they have any fear. It’s hard to admit. I know it was for me.)
Would you be surprised to know the women who have been widowed after enjoying a good marriage find love (again) much quicker and with far less anxiety?
I was kinda astonished at this!
These strong, magnificent women have been through such a horrible experience, yet most have far less hesitation about putting themselves out there again. Here’s why:
These women know the reward of having a loving, devoted man in their life. They know the splendor and security of grownup love. They miss the intimacy and partnership and don’t want to live their lives without it.
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So, even after the tremendous pain of loss, they are much less content with staying in their safe, “my life is just fine” place. They are willing to do what they need to if it means finding love again.
I finally realized that the reward of being loved by a good man far outweighed the risks of getting out there and unapologetically looking for love.
You see, women who have been well-loved are not scared of dating because they know it leads to the ultimate reward: a partner in life.
That doesn’t mean these women aren’t scared as crap to be “on the market” again. They are just as afraid of getting rejected, being hurt or possibly even not meeting another man to love.
They are bummed that, at this stage in their life, they are single and have to put themselves out there.
Women who have been widowed have already been through a terrible emotional ordeal. They feel the fear and worry.
My private coaching client “Lori,” was in her fifties when her husband died, leaving her to raise her teenage son alone.
As scared as she was to date again after 20 years, she just couldn’t imagine living the rest of her life without what she had with her husband.
With him, she felt safe, loved and adored every single day. They were physically and emotionally bonded, and the very best of friends. He always had her back. And she his. They were a real team, facing life together.
Lori knew what the rewards of a good relationship felt like, because she experienced it for 20 years. It took some time but she had no doubt that she would go after love again.
She listened to me carefully about how to date like a grownup. (She hadn’t dated since she was quite young.) She learned to open herself up to men, and how to express who she was and what she needed to be happy.
Lori also learned how to talk to men about her loss, and make choices based on the (different) woman she now was.
I taught her how grownup men are different than the boys she dated before she got married. (Thank goodness!) I got her online and she dated several nice, but not-for-her, guys.
Then, Lori met “Steve” through friends. They have been together since their first date.
Their lives are complicated. They both have children and Lori is very careful about bringing another man into her son’s life. Still, both she and Steve are committed to trying to make it work.
And hell yes, she is still a little scared.
Lori still has times when the pain of her loss overtakes her. She worries about judging Steve against her husband. He is a very different guy than her husband.
But the feelings Lori feels and the rewards of their relationship are familiar in all those meaningful ways.
Lori had felt this security, passion, and partnership before, and that’s what she didn’t want to live without. It’s exactly what gave her the courage to Go. For. It.
It wasn’t overnight, but Lori’s found that spectacular love she was so missing.
During my 30 years of singledom I never felt loved by a man. I was pretty happy with my single life and, like the women I now coach, the process of dating really scared me. (Not that I admitted it at the time. After all, I Was W.o.m.a.n!)
When dating got really hard, and my fear of dating became stronger than my fear of dying alone, I would retreat and go on dating hiatus.
There were periods of years between dates. During those times I would just keep repeating my ‘I don’t need no stinkin’ man’ mantra.
I told myself that I was better off without the confusion, rejection and potential heartbreak. That I couldn’t stand the hurt again…it was too damn much.
The act of dating didn’t seem worth it to me. Why go through all that pain? For what? My life was great just the way it was.
Months, sometimes years went by when I wasn’t even touched by a man. An accidental brush while walking past a man would seem so extraordinary. My entire body would feel it.
I thought I was being strong by choosing to stay single. I wore my strength and independence as a badge of honor.
I was about 45, still super single, and still had no clue why. So I decided to seek a professional to help me figure out what was “wrong with me.”
With her guidance, instead of learning what was wrong with me, I learned what was right. And I finally admitted to myself that — more than anything else I could imagine — I wanted to love and be loved.
For all my single decades, the risks of dating seemed far greater than the rewards. With all the insecurity, self-doubt and false beliefs that I had, it was easy to retreat into “my life is good enough” and give up on the idea of having love in my life.
I didn’t know what being loved by a man looked or felt like. Before I met my husband in 2006, I had never experienced the kind of love that made me feel safe, cared for, and special.
I never had a man I could count on. I didn’t know what it was like to be anyone’s #1. I certainly never got anything close to that from a man.
With the help I found, I allowed myself to imagine being loved like that. I purposefully searched out women who were in happy relationships. (They were all around me; I just chose not to see them.) I started to believe it was real…and possible. I believed that I deserved it.
Unlike Lori, I had to imagine how it would eventually feel. But we came to the same conclusion: the reward of being loved by a good man far outweighed the risks of getting out there and unapologetically looking for love.
I walked down the aisle as a first-time bride in 2006. I’m here on the other side.
The blush of early love is over. Larry and I have been married for 11+ years as I write this. We have been through a lot. It hasn’t always been easy or happy.
But we truly know each other, like and love each other. We’re equally committed to our lasting partnership.
If you’re like I was, and having trouble imagining what grownup love (the reward) looks like, here are just some examples:
I love being part of a couple – more than I even thought I would. I have a travel partner, a constant dinner date, a cute guy to snuggle with on the couch each evening and most of all, the security of knowing that this smart, fine man always has my back.
So, in retrospect, was this reward worth the risk I took of getting help, doing some things differently, and putting myself out there?
Was it worth the hassle of putting together a profile, answering some emails, going on a bunch of dates, feeling broken hearted a couple times and dealing with a few jerks along the way?
As my granddaughter would say, “Duh, ya think?”
Are you like I was? Do you sometimes feel overcome by the weight of the fear, confusion, and frustration of being single and dating?
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Well, I’m here to ask you…no, to tell you…that it’s time to get real about the risk vs. reward here. Is what you could have really not worth a few crappy moments along the way?
The first step is to acknowledge the fear. And then get out there anyway.
I want to hear from you! What are your thoughts on my risk vs. reward theory?? Which of the three categories are you in? Are you willing to finally “go for it” even though you have some fear?
Leave me a comment below.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Thank you for your honest comments, Rebecca. I heartily encourage you to pursue all kinds of love. Even though I’m married I still need love from my friends, my cat, my community, my neighbors, etc. That never ends, so fill up that heart of yours! And you can still save a part to want a romantic relationship. You do NOT have to be perfect or anywhere close to it. This article might help you: https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/imperfection-does-not-equal-dating-rejection/. You sound like a wise woman with a lot to offer. – Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
I’m with you on this, Rebecca! Wishing and hoping and praying alone will NOT find you your forever guy. Got to have a plan, then execute it! – BP
Rebecca says:
Marie said:
“I use to fantasize about havibg a man that loved me but my therapist said,”That’s like an alcoholic taking a drink. Stop doing that.” So I did.”
Bobbi said:
“First, I hope you’ve fired your therapist! Are you kidding me? Fantasizing about having a man that loves you is like an alcoholic taking a drink?? That is preposterous!”
My two cents: for those of us that live TOO MUCH in fantasy, it is necessary to put our feet on the ground and get real about our goals, hopes, expectations, etc.
I would also suggest that there is a big difference between a fantasy with no plan, and a desire/goal WITH a plan.
I spent/wasted many hours of many years escaping into mental fantasy and daydreaming. It can be a compulsion.
Rebecca says:
Hi Bobbi! I’ve spent quite a bit of time reading on your blog over the last couple of days. You have great advice, presented in an empowering way. Your approach is very confidence building!
You asked, what about the risk vs the reward?
I’m in the category of never been married, though I have had a couple of experiences of very long-term male roommates who were great friends. So I know what it’s like being around a good man. I’ve been single and celibate for 20 years.
My baggage is a bit extreme I think, and so the risk for me is perhaps higher? I’m 52 and have a mood disorder (bipolar II), and have had a hard time maintaining employment. I’ve experienced my fair share of death and trauma. Periods of deep depression…
If you were to meet me, you would think I’m perfectly “normal”, even above average. I dress nicely, am well-spoken, have truly good relational and social skills, and am attractive though no beauty.
I have been interested in dating for the last year and a half or so, put a profile on OKCupid, which has resulted in no dates…however I am evaluating my experience of even having a desire for a boyfriend and I’m seeing that the “wanting” is far worse than the “not having”.
“Wanting” has activated a ton of insecurities, which I am learning to deal with. Activates my fear of men. Has had me on a bit of a roller-coaster with a couple of guys I’ve only messaged with. A reaction that has me wondering what kind of emotional trip would I subject myself to if I were to actually DATE someone, get involved physically, etc. Would I be able to deal with it if things were to come to an end? And the potential rejection for characteristics that I am already ashamed of (mood, employment).
I look around me and I see couples made up of folks with all sorts of imperfections and wonder, what is so wrong with me? But then I look at the dating “market” and see that I don’t have much to sell. As you pointed out in another blog post, quality men this age have a LOT of fantastic women to choose from.
There are men that might find me appealing, but what is their baggage? Certain things I just can’t put up with, behavioral or substance abuse issues as starters.
So, I am very nearly ready to let go of the “wanting”, and do the work to fill my heart with love of different sorts. To learn how to have my own back, and truly be my own best friend.
Thanks for the work you are doing Bobbi!
Bobbi Palmer says:
You’re on your way, my friend. Keep moving forward. Bp
Jade says:
I think I am in the midst of a breakthrough. My issue is that I am one of those 30 year old women who has never been in a quality and lasting relationship. I experienced sexual trauma and emotional and physical trauma as a child and now, I constantly find myself in relationships with unavailable men.
I’ve finally started to challenge my subconscious behaviors.
Tonight, I started to look up dating sites because I realized that maybe I needed to admit that I wanted love and that I should be…intentional about seeking it instead of having random hook ups w. unavailable men and hoping it turns into more.
My problem is that my sexuality is somewhat alternative and a huge part of who I am, so I am on some sex-themed websites. I am scared that will become the main focus, but I am promising myself that I will still get to know people before doing anything of that nature. It’s just that it makes it easier to know if I can truly be with someone by going that route, but I don’t want to keep putting sex first. That’s just a mask that stops me from going deeper emotionally.
I recently turned someone away who has been trying to take me on a date for years (we don’t live in the same city) but I am starting to think I need to be open to people who really like me.
It’s so hard because although I am loved in many ways I realize that I don’t respond well to someone who shows me their affection first. But reading this, and other articles about fear of intimacy and why women date unavailable men, has allowed me some more tools to continue moving in the right direction.
I hope to heal as I am starting to see that I am looking to play the long game. It still feels scary to actually commit although I dream of feeling loved the way that I deserve, but I pray, go to therapy and continue to question those parts of me that keep me stuck.
I hope to be like you and to move on from these old ways. Maybe someday soon!!!!!
Bobbi Palmer says:
I’m sorry about your situation, Saira. The best way to avoid repeating a horrible pattern like that is to keep learning more about yourself and men. It’s probably difficult where you live but use the Internet and research how to keep from repeating what’s been happening. I’m not an expert at that but there is a lot of excellent information available for you. Hugs, be safe. Bp
Saira says:
I have fear of relationships because I was a battered wife twice. I am terrified of falling into the trap again. There’s no help either where I live
Rosalie Jeanna Guarino Berger says:
WOW…I Think you are my Twin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for this
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Rebecca, First, I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear husband. I know it takes courage to get back ‘out there’ but you know how lovely love can be. Should you even dream that I can still do this again? YES! Here are a couple articles for you. A Single Man’s Thoughts About Your Body https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/19958/ https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/dating-after-breast-cancer2/ Go for it, Rebecca. It’s out there for you. Hugs. Bp
Rebecca says:
Hi- I’m one of those widows you described. He died 8yrs ago, and we were together almost 34yrs. Since I was 19, in college. I’m now 61, and also out of remission. Stage 4 MetBC. It’s not as bad as it sounds. I’ll have a normal life expectancy while taking meds the rest of my life. And I’m still interested in the possibility of a second love. Besides cancer, I’ve also had bilateral reconstruction with 10 operations. So there’s also the body image worry. Should I even dream that I can still do this again? Why would any man even consider me? My hubs stayed with me thru the first cancer rodeo, as I cared for him after his heart transplant. I’ve been thru hell yet still believe in that kind of love. But now I’m going thru this again, without him. I don’t know….
Mara says:
I just started dating someone and I am 33. But I am terrified because I have been single for so long and this guy is great. The fear is weighing down on me so hard I don’t know what to do. I was told I overthink things. Can fear make us do that?
Bobbi Palmer says:
You have fear because you don’t trust yourself. Learn all you can about yourself and him (if you stay connected with him). Love is worth it!
Mara says:
I started dating a good guy. Problem is I only feel infatuated with him. I feel scared because I’ve been single for a long time and I’ve never been in love. The fear weighs down on me
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Casey. I’m glad you’re here! You don’t have to stay single – that’s just hiding. Instead, FIX your MAN PICKER, sister. It does suck that you had that long bad relationship but you can LEARN to TRUST YOURSELF to make good choices. That’s what you need, girlfriend. I hate to hear that a lovely woman like you is hiding out of fear of picking the wrong man again. Please visit this page and read about my Fix Your Man Picker program. I can tell you that it has been life-changing for so many women who felt the same as you. Big hugs. Bp
Casey says:
What if you never find someone? What if the only guys that are interested in you are jerks that just want to use you? I have been staying single for the last year trying to figure out exactly what kind of man would be worthy of me. I spent 13 years in relationships where I was not truly loved or appreciated, and my biggest fear is settling again out of loneliness. That is why I am have stayed single. I want love, but I don’t trust it at all. I think all of my “love” before were nothing more than infatuation.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Marie. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way.Larry is the first man who every said I Love You to me, so I’ve been there. And, like me, that doesn’t have to be the end of your story!
First, I hope you’ve fired your therapist! Are you kidding me? Fantasizing about having a man that loves you is like an alcoholic taking a drink?? That is preposterous! Unless you’re the kind of person who just had everything fall in your lap, what have you ever achieved in your life without first WANTING it? Everything begins with the wish, the desire…the fantasy! That creates the intention that actually gets it done.
What you’re doing isn’t working so let’s get you back on track. How do you change your results? Start with changing what’s in your head and heart right now. First, you should definitely take my Dump Your Love Junk course so you can start clearing some of the old stories in your head that are holding you back. (Including the nonsense from your therapist.) Learn about the program here and please register: https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/lovejunk . Also, my ebook will help you SO much. It’s my story, and I think you’ll relate to it. Go back to the programs you’ve already done with me too. It helps a lot to review and get refreshed. Hugs to you…you can and will start a new journey, my friend. Today is a new day. Bp
Marie says:
Hi, Bobbi. I really enjoy your articles and have been following you for over a year. I went yo a motivational seminar last January and felt motivated at first but the fire has died. As awful as this sounds; no man (besides relatives) has ever said, “I love you” to me. I never got married or had kids. I am letting go, little by little, of the pain and anger. But it’s just so difficult to get back out there. I use to fantasize about havibg a man that loved me but my therapist said,”That’s like an alcoholic taking a drink. Stop doing that.” So I did. Now I just can’t see myself in a loving relationship anymore. I’ve always had the married guys and users come after me. I always say no. I know I should work on “improving myself” But I honestly think I’m doing the best that I can. I think if I try any harder it will be an inauthentic, impossible to maintain facade. I’m already outgoing and social etc. I’ve travelled alone etc. What do I need to do to change my results?
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Rhonda. So good to hear from you! I’m happy to hear that my work has helped you. It means a lot to me that you took time to share with me. About your fear: you can have it…and still DO it! It’s not your heart keeping you back, it’s probably someone else’s voice from the past telling you that it’s ‘not what women do’ or that you’re not up to doing that or you won’t be good at it. Bull! There is nothing wrong with you, remember? And listen, sister, if you had the courage to leave your marriage, you have the courage to do this. It’s a piece of cake compared to what you’re already accomplished!
Here is a way to ease in: go have a few meals alone. Sit at the counter or bar. Start by talking to the server, then to the man or woman sitting next to you. You will see that it’s not hard and it’s not scary. It can be fun! That’s how you can get some practice and start realizing your fear is unfounded. You’ll be fine.
Yah, it’s out of your comfort zone a little. Think of how good you’ll feel once you DO it! Give it a try.
Hugs, and keep up the good work. Bp
Rhonda Jane OBrien says:
I left my close to 23 years of marriage a couple of years ago and have not looked back since. I don’t wish ill will on my ex…it just took it course. In the two years I have been single there has been no one serious and very rarely have there been any dates. When I first tried online dating I had terrible experiences with various sites…namely, all I kept attracting were scammers. After a while I just gave up. Then I started reading your advice columns, I had professional pictures taken to feature on my online profile…and most importantly I am making an honest change in my mindset that he is out there…that there is nothing wrong with me…and that I am a fabulous catch. There are days in which I am not feeling it…but I’m still thinking it. I am still discovering how to get over my fear of going to places on my own and speaking to people I have never met yet. All of my girlfriends are married…they do not know anyone that is single. I sign up for meet up groups…but I don’t go because I am going by myself…and that scares me. My head tells me that I need to get out there and get out of my comfort zone…my head also tells me that sitting at home is not going to get me anywhere closer to my dream. But the thought of going somewhere, by myself, and try to start small talk with people I don’t know scares the crap out of me. Again, my head knows what to do…but my heart keeps me back.
Bobbi Palmer says:
HI Robin. First, congratulations on your huge accomplishments. You’re (re)building a wonderful life for yourself and it delights me to know that you are now including adding LOVE to that great life. This really is the best time! Please know that you are not alone. Your challenges are shared by many, many smart women around the world who have had past experiences that left them feeling closed off or vulnerable when it comes to men.
You ask a lot of good questions; ones asked by a majority of women I serve. Here is what I can give you right now: The KEY to moving on so you can be your lovely self with men, and attract the right man into your life is this: Trust In Yourself.
Can you see that when you trust yourself to make good decisions and take good care of yourself, your heart and mind can safely open?
How do you get there? By learning how to move past your old fears and beliefs that are getting in the way. And by learning what you don’t yet know about dating at this time in life. Who ever taught any of us this, right??
For now, take a look at my private coaching program here: https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/private-coaching-women-dating-over-40/. If this seems like a good potential fit for you, use the form there to set up an appointment for us to talk. Also, toward the end of December, I am going to be releasing a new program that will help you start clearing out some “old stuff” called Dump Your Love Junk. 🙂 Be sure you are on my mailing list so you get that information. If you’re not yet on my list, take my quick quiz https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/man-o-meter-2/
I am SO happy that you’re here, Robin. I can help you. Let’s do this! Bp
Robin Ridgway Ross says:
Hi Bobbi,
I’ve finally hit the point where I’m actually interested in finding a man to love again. Someone who is 1. trustworthy 2. solid 3. willing to take time to get to know him enough that I can feel comfortable to be vulnerable again. (apparently there is a 3-5 date rule that I heard is not true but I see is secretly true)
I am a guarded person who is open and funny large personality but I reserve my affection and deeper thoughts to myself until I’m comfortable. Its almost like people expect me to be a jump in and swim type of woman, and in most risks I am, but not with my heart and soul. I could give you so many reasons why but it isn’t helping me find my own power to move forward. What can I do to be more open on a meet date? How to allow myself to show that I want and need a person when my “shell and boundaries” are so clearly present. I hate to be seen as weak or needy. I’m not a wallflower but I am shy and fumbling in the dating world. I have been told I’m bold and intimidate men. How can I stop that?
I have been divorced for 6 yrs. Have spent time improving my own life. I want new things that in the past weren’t possible. I’ve gotten degree from a ivy league school at 48. I raised my children who are now independent.
How do I find someone who’s part of the new lifestyle I’m working towards if I’m not already there?
Rebuilding my life has been difficult at times and I have been closed off to the idea of finding a new love but now I feel that space opening up again.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Paula. I understand about consistently meeting non-Commital guys. I’ve been there. I have to say that it’s likely some energy you’re giving off. Be sure you are showing that you expect them to step up and show up. Don’t settle for less than grownup behavior. And before you honor make sure they are clear about (ultimately) looking for a relationship. That will help! Bp
Paula says:
I was married but I am not sure my husband loved me, if he did it was for a brief time. I got counseling twice after being divorced first to deal with the feelings of anger and betrayal and then for other issues. For the last year and a half I have been dating and despite trying to remain positive,, I am not attracting men who want a relationship. I have tried online dating and meeting people organically. I will be honest and say I am frustrated and decided because of that to take a break.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Mel. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m really sorry for your previous relationships. I can’t imagine how awful it would be to find those things out after the death of your ex. I want to say that I don’t believe people without a partner are inadequate in any way. I was one of those people for many, many years, sister. What I AM saying is that, for women who want to love and be loved, I want to help you stop shoving it aside and saying that you don’t want it. Draw the line in the sand and work to figure out how to bring this wonderful experience into your life. You can have a love-filled life, but not if you opt-out. I hope you change your mind. With love and support, Bp
Mel says:
Hi Bobbi
I’m in the “previously married but never felt loved” category. I’m also in “the small reward from dating isnt worth the hassle” category I have never had what I felt was a truly loving relationship. My only long term relationship was with my ex husband – we were together for 12 years, he cheated and lied throughout ( so I discovered after). Since then 3 months is the longest Ive been with anyone. I found your site a while back, tried your suggestions, dated a couple guys for a short time, but in the end it wasn’t happening. I’m having a dating hiatus (again) which typically for me lasts about 3 years. I’m currently more sick of the hassle of dating, than being alone. I feel that I’m a lost cause as far as men and dating are concerned, But you know what? I’m ok with that! Not everyone is meant to be in a partnership and women like me shouldn’t be made to feel inadequate just because we’re single.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Linda. Ugh, sorry for your experience. Yes, there are a very small number of men (and women) who are very cunning like this. It’s an illness, I believe. Regardless, we all want to stay away from them. I’m not going to lie and say that there are foolproof ways to identify these guys. They can be quite expert at lying and manipulating. (I was raised by a narcissist Mother so I know what it’s like.) That said, there are often signs we missed, but can see in hindsight. I recommend that you take an honest look back (as I’m sure you’ve done to some extent) for any patterns and flags you may have overlooked. Consider if, while it appeared they were trying to please you, in fact it was always on their terms. Did you set boundaries and did he respect them? Did he respect your opinions and needs? Did he treat you as a true partner, or rather someone he could mold into what he wanted you to be? Asking yourself questions like this may uncover some patterns that will help you make good choices for yourself in the future. Yes, you definitely deserve better. Let’s work on this together. Hugs, Bp
Jo says:
After a life full of short relationships I found Bobbi´s website packed with great knowledge and inspiration. Last summer I decided to start dating with a new, more relaxed and positive attitude. Since then I have had several dates and also a fling. My focus: stay positive and enjoy EVERY encounter, regardless of the outcome. So when things didn´t work out for either me, or the guy, I just gracefully let go! And moved on, even when I felt sadness.
My insight where that there are so many nice men out there looking for quality love, and I also realized that the men around me in daily life might be one of them, even if they don´t show it.
A couple of months ago I noticed a profile that stuck out… I took action and bingo. This man is just “right” for me. He is caring, warm, responsible, funny and attentive. He is also tall, has a beautiful smile and great energy. There are no guarantees, but I feel secure in myself. Whether we choose to stay together or not it´s a win-win situation. I now know that I can – and will, cocreate a great love-relationship.
Thank you Bobbi. To all of you ladies who are longing, just keep up. And please remember to enjoy the journey. Because you are worth it.
Linda says:
I don’t neatly fit any of your 3 descriptions. My story: married for 20 yrs to a man I loved deeply and whom I believed deeply loved me. We were best friends, satisfied lovers, and still finding opportunities to fall in love with each other after 18 yrs of marriage. But at the end, I discovered he had been hiding life-changing financial information from me. He was glib, charming, and a fantastic liar. I divorced him 13 yrs ago when I found out about the illegal stuff he was involved in. Spent a couple years in therapy then met a man I thought was quite different. It’s been quite a different kind of love with him but I thought he was just the strong silent type who showed his love instead of saying “I love you” frequently. My love for him grew slowly, which I was content with after feeling so taken advantage of emotionally in my marriage. Then, after nine years he says he’s been living a lie with me those past nine years and he breaks up. The underlying things that ties these two men together into a pattern I seek to overcome, as I see it, is that they were both narcissistic, both lied to avoid conflict/get their way (like little boys), and both utilized very sly, cunning taclick to be emotionally abusive. I want to learn how to find that man who can love me for my assets as well as my flaws. Bobbi, how you described your husband’s active love for you is what I experienced while I was married. But being married to a sociopathic liar is dangerous as his new wife found out when she ended up serving jail time because he lied so expertly to get himself out of the hotseat. I’m looking for a GOOD man who offers what you described because I know I’m a person with a good heart, a healthy attitude towards life, and a rich personal and professional life. Bobbi, what do you suggest?
Bobbi Palmer says:
My pleasure, Linda. It makes me so happy to know that I’m helping you. Thank YOU for letting me know. And stay with me. Everyone deserves love in their life, and it is so possible! with love and support, Bp
Noquay says:
I am like the widow situation. My marriage broke up because I was forced to leave in order to get a job in my field, save for retirement etc. There was no other choice. My ex was the perfect man for me. Attractive, kept himself healthy, a retired Dean who, along with myself, is a strong environmental and social justice activist. He truly loved me and respected me and vice versa. We remain friends to this day.
I understand you cannot replace a person but I struggle to find anyone remotely compatible on a deep level. Part of the issue is that I live in a very anti-intellectual region, out earn most available men by a factor of 5, and am triracial. I date solely out of town, as in 100 miles away. I am a weird combination of intellectual and serious woods person. I work hard on self improvement, keep in shape, constantly improve my mind and body. Since being horribly betrayed by a colleague, I read everything I could about relationships. On dates, I pay attention, never emotionally overinvest too soon, and spot red flags pronto. I have no problem walking away if need be. As family is dead and dating season is mainly summers ( teaching schedules plus deadly roads), I am involved in community, running a small farm, writing, reading constantly. I socialize weekly, dress with class, with no intention of meeting anyone. (locals crowd). What worries me now is that after 9 too long years of this, (55) I find it impossible, almost nauseated when told to settle for someone I do not want because yes, I do know what a good relationship looks like. Maybe when you’ve had a “10”in all respects, anything less no longer works. At what point do you throw in the towel?
Linda says:
Thank you Bobbi, I just adore you and what are doing to help all us single women. I myself have been single most of my life and no I have never ffound that kind of love and don’t date. But I am searching and trying to fillow yiur advice. I thank you so much and certainly read and follow everything that I can. Thanks again…
Bobbi Palmer says:
It’s so great that you’re here learning as you move toward your love story. Don’t forget to also tell them that you’re doing it ‘better’ this time! Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Thank YOU for your honesty and sharing a little of your story, Karen. I understand that the journey can become tiring at times, but like you said, when you remember The Prize, you keep going. Congratulations for your fortitude and for taking such care of yourself! I’m so happy I can be of service. Hugs, Bp
karen says:
As a single woman (62) with teenagers and high standards it feels frequently like a daunting task to find love. It’s been a long long journey since divorcing a narcissist/addict in 2008. I am very deserving of adoring love….I haven’t given up though my patience can wan from time to time as I search for a soul connection.
Thank you Bobbi for this article. I saw myself in your words.
All help is appreciated!
shardavy20@yahoo.com says:
As a single woman of 62 and back in the dating game for the last year and a half. People ask me why am I doing this over and over? My reply to them is I am not giving up!. I want a partner in life and there has to be someone out there who really wants the same.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Thank YOU Laurie. You are so right and I love hearing from you.
Laurie says:
I say, as a single woman of 53, to all of single women…never give up no matter what! Have to be in it to win it! I concur, Bobbi. Thanks for all you do for all of us. :))