I asked my Facebook community “What do you enjoy doing as a single woman that you would NEVER want to give up in a relationship?
I wondered because I know that before I was married at 47, I had the impression everything in my life would have to change drastically.
That worried me. I liked my life.
Seems the women in my Facebook community feared the same. Here are some of their answers:
This is part of what keeps a lot of us single, right?
We believe that we might lose the things we love about our perfectly fine single life. Girlfriend time, peace and quiet, buying things no questions asked, and, as one woman said, “The things that make me ME.”
The reality is, of course, there is compromise in any relationship. When Larry and I joined our lives there were things that did change.
I don’t spend AS MUCH girlfriend time as once I did. (Yet I CAN any time I want.)
I disclose purchases above a certain dollar figure since we share bank accounts.
And I DON’T leave my dirty tea cups around the house anymore because it drives him wonky.
Big deal.
All those things are a no-brainer when I compare it to everything I gained when we married. The things I have to change or give up are compromises. There is a big difference between compromise and sacrifice.
If you are confused between the difference, this article will help.
It’s understandable that a lot of us mistake one for the other. If you’ve been in a relationship (or your parent’s role modeled one for you) where the man is always “in charge” then no wonder you have these beliefs. Controlling, narcissistic, self-centered men will expect you to sacrifice many of your pleasures and self-care and interests so you can focus on THEM. And do what THEY want you to do.
On the other hand, it may not be about the man’s desires at all. As women we can give up control of our own lives all by ourselves.
That was another fear I had about being in a relationship: that I would lose my sense of self. That I would be so concerned about making him want me I would forget my needs and focus only on his.
As my wonderful client Suzanne explains in this video, it’s also about adult communication. (Btw, Suzanne is 63, and after 15 years of being single is now happily cohabitating with the amazing man she met after coaching with me
What do you think you’ll have to give up in a relationship? What sacrifices are you worried a man will expect from you? And where did you get those beliefs? From your past or your parents?
Please share below.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Ok April…you STOP that right now!!! We all have our stuff. So you find a man who doesn’t have a travel bug and who understands your need for alone time. Not such a tall order, girlfriend. But, hey, you never know how being deeply loved and in love might affect your ability to sleep. 🙂 Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
I LOVE that you shared your story here, Alice. I know you waited quite some time for him to show up. But you now know it’s worth the wait, right? You deserve all the happiness you’re living — and the great music!! Love, Bp
April says:
I was married for 20+ years and have been single about 2 years and love living on my own. What you wrote about here is an issue I’ve been struggling with for sure. I’m a fun and sociable person, but definitely an introvert, so having alone time is really important for me.
I’ve decided that if I ever cohabitate with someone again I will need my own room. I need that space that is just my own, and I have never been able to sleep well with another person and would need to sleep by myself at least part of the time.
On top of that I have an inner ear condition that makes travel really uncomfortable and stressful for me, so I’m not a big traveler and prefer to do more low key things for fun. I find that I am resisting dating because I worry about feeling guilty about these needs, or misunderstood or rejected because of them.
Alice Billman says:
When I was dating, I was really worried about losing my “self” if I got seriously involved with anyone. My time, my passions, my free time – I was terrified of sacrificing them.
Bobbi worked with me, and helped open my eyes to different ways to meet men. She encouraged me to go out on coffee dates even when I didn’t see a guy as a “possible.” I learned to use these casual meetups as practice. It was all very weird for me, but after a while, it became easier and easier.
I met my “One” about four years ago. I was doing what I love, listening to live music in a casual coffee shop setting. I remember thinking….”why can’t I have a guy like THAT” as I watched this seemingly great guy sing and play and chat it up with the audience. I went to several more of his gigs, never saying a lot more than “Hi” and talking about some of this music when one day, during a break, he came over, sat down, and said…”I’m not seeing anyone….”
We got married last February. I’ve had to give up a lot of my personal free time, but it has been replaced with lots and lots of live music. Heck, it’s what I love, and I get to watch that really great guy, and actually take him home!
Bobbi Palmer says:
Easy Lara, here is my thought: I wouldn’t stick around for any of that. While it may be true that you can improve your communications skills (who can’t?), that doesn’t excuse a man blowing up at you. Or challenging your intellect. Or just being mean. Never, ever is it okay to be mean to another human being; most certainly an intimate partner! Giving up your feeling of safety – which this seems to be – is never acceptable. And btw, being thoughtful and measured is how most people would prefer communication take place. You’re good, Lara. Hugs. Bp
Lara says:
A chord was really struck when Suzanne said that she had to master adult communication and had spent a lot of time not communicating. In my last mini relationship, I was having to absorb and assimilate an awful lot of stuff from my boyfriend who I suspect had Aspergers, thought and spoke more quickly than me and I was possibly over tolerant, walking on egg shells and aware of things potentially blowing up and becoming a free for all. I was also having to ensure that his suggestions of what I could do were actually what I wanted to do. I became overwhelmed by him in my own house and once I actually threw him out and told him to F.O. because he couldn’t say anything nice. He did apologise at length but said that I needed more quick fire and that he would have preferred to have known what I was thinking. I felt that if I did have quick fire, it would have just made for a tempestuous relationship that I didn’t want. I prefer being thoughtful and measured in what I say rather than being sent over the edge and just blustering. Any thoughts about how to handle being a bit intellectually dominated, still working out what you feel and being unable to articulate yourself?