I asked my Facebook community “What do you enjoy doing as a single woman that you would NEVER want to give up in a relationship?
I wondered because I know that before I was married at 47, I had the impression everything in my life would have to change drastically.
That worried me. I liked my life.
Seems the women in my Facebook community feared the same. Here are some of their answers:
This is part of what keeps a lot of us single, right?
We believe that we might lose the things we love about our perfectly fine single life. Girlfriend time, peace and quiet, buying things no questions asked, and, as one woman said, “The things that make me ME.”
The reality is, of course, there is compromise in any relationship. When Larry and I joined our lives there were things that did change.
I don’t spend AS MUCH girlfriend time as once I did. (Yet I CAN any time I want.)
I disclose purchases above a certain dollar figure since we share bank accounts.
And I DON’T leave my dirty tea cups around the house anymore because it drives him wonky.
Big deal.
All those things are a no-brainer when I compare it to everything I gained when we married. The things I have to change or give up are compromises. There is a big difference between compromise and sacrifice.
If you are confused between the difference, this article will help.
It’s understandable that a lot of us mistake one for the other. If you’ve been in a relationship (or your parent’s role modeled one for you) where the man is always “in charge” then no wonder you have these beliefs. Controlling, narcissistic, self-centered men will expect you to sacrifice many of your pleasures and self-care and interests so you can focus on THEM. And do what THEY want you to do.
On the other hand, it may not be about the man’s desires at all. As women we can give up control of our own lives all by ourselves.
That was another fear I had about being in a relationship: that I would lose my sense of self. That I would be so concerned about making him want me I would forget my needs and focus only on his.
It is ALL in the picking, sister.
As my wonderful client Suzanne explains in this video, it’s also about adult communication. (Btw, Suzanne is 63, and after 15 years of being single is now happily cohabitating with the amazing man she met after coaching with me
What do you think you’ll have to give up in a relationship? What sacrifices are you worried a man will expect from you? And where did you get those beliefs? From your past or your parents?
Please share below.
I was married for 20+ years and have been single about 2 years and love living on my own. What you wrote about here is an issue I’ve been struggling with for sure. I’m a fun and sociable person, but definitely an introvert, so having alone time is really important for me.
I’ve decided that if I ever cohabitate with someone again I will need my own room. I need that space that is just my own, and I have never been able to sleep well with another person and would need to sleep by myself at least part of the time.
On top of that I have an inner ear condition that makes travel really uncomfortable and stressful for me, so I’m not a big traveler and prefer to do more low key things for fun. I find that I am resisting dating because I worry about feeling guilty about these needs, or misunderstood or rejected because of them.