Have you ever wondered “are my expectations of men realistic?” I can tell you with 99% certainty that, no, they are not. And that may be the very thing that is keeping you single. Not only single, but perpetually disappointed, pissed off, and ultimately, hopeless. Ach! That can be so exhausting.
[If you’re short of time click here and jump to a super juicy training I recorded for you.]
The expectations can just as easily muck up a relationship. Here’s my real-life example:
I ended up working past midnight last night, and my husband didn’t complain. Plus 4 points.
As I slept in this morning, he cleaned the cat box and emptied the dishwasher. Plus 10 points! (The cat box earns him extra credit for sure.)
When he ran off to do errands, he didn’t kiss me good-bye. Minus 3 points.
He didn’t call me on his way home to ask if I wanted him to pick anything up. Minus 5 points!
And so it goes…
Look, I’m a real believer that we should have expectations of people we let into our lives. But let’s make sure they are realistic expectations!
I’m sorta kidding…I don’t literally keep score. But when I was dating I definitely kept some kind of tally in my brain. You probably do too. Most of us tend to do this…especially when it comes to making decisions about men.
(If you’re questioning whether you do this, think about the conversations you have with your girlfriends after a date. It usually goes something like “he showed up on time, but his shirt was really wrinkled. He walked me to my car but he went in for a kiss. He did…but he didn’t…” Sound familiar?)
It only takes a few minus points to send us running from a man that we just met or just started dating. If we don’t run, we go into disappointment mode. Once introduced into the complicated dating mix, our disappointment ultimately sabotages any chance of things ending well.
In a relationship when things tip too much to the negative we complain, withhold, sulk, or in extreme cases, leave.
It makes me crazy. And sad. Because with these false expectations in the way, women are missing REAL gifts that so many men are out there waiting to give. And they are giving men points for some really silly stuff.
So here’s what I want you to think about:
Are your plusses and minuses based on the stuff that genuinely determines whether a man can make you happy?
Is your system based on what your mom or dad taught you that you boys should do? Is it left-over from a list you devised in college, or even high school? Are you giving men points for fancy, surface-y, bullshit-y actions and taking points away for insignificant acts?
Could it be possible that you mistake men’s intentions or misunderstand some of their actions? (I know you know that they are different than us in fundamental ways.)
You know I’m a dating and relationship coach and I guide women dating after 40 to love. I constantly witness potential relationships go up in flames because of women’s unrealistic dating expectations.
I know it’s not because these women are catty, or spoiled, or malicious. It’s because they don’t understand the words, deeds, and intentions of Grownup Men.
It makes me crazy. And sad. Because with these false expectations in the way, women are missing REAL gifts that so many men are out there waiting to give. And they are giving men points for some really silly stuff.
I’m assuming you’re here because you have a really big goal: to meet a spectacular man and share the rest of your life with him.
If you want to end that feeling of being constantly disappointed by men and start having them actually meet your needs….
and you want to STOP wondering why you can’t seem to connect with a man who makes you happy…
listen to this training!
You can click here to listen or right-click to download the file.
When you’re done I’d love you to leave me a comment here. I want to know if anything resonates with you. Did you find areas where you can be more accepting and things you can add to your list of realistic expectations?
This is the final part of my 4-part series Unrealistic Expectations That are Keeping You Single. If you missed it, here are the links:
Part 1: Are You Waiting for Some Type of Fantasy Man?
Part 2: Should You Trust Your Instincts About Dating and Love?
Steph says:
The expectations aren’t high. All they do is counterbalance the work of having a man around. Men don’t realise but the are a lot of work.
Many women would rather stay single unless they find a man worth that work.
Bobbi Palmer says:
You can’t be talking about ALL women, right? How many have you actually met and gotten to know? In relation to the female population? I understand that a lot of men and women alike seem to have unrealistic expectations. But there are also tons who are quite realistic. How to improve this? Communicate3. Don’t make assumptions. And definitely don’t assume all women are alike. There is confirmation bias here: If you believe it to be true, you will search for proof that you’re right. And you’ll always find it. Bp
The Very Truth says:
The real problem is that most women nowadays have their very high unrealistic expectations, along with very high standards as well.
Nancy Epstein says:
Yah, it is a flag, Jamie. If you’re ready for a serious relationship I recommend you don’t put too many eggs in his basket. You can learn a little more about him but pay close attention. Hugs. Bp
jamie gay says:
Bobbi, your advice is so sound; and definitely helpful dating at 58. MY husband passed away 5 years ago so 30 years since I dated last. On line was not a good experience for me, but willing to give it another try. If i may ask a question; I went on a date with a guy my brother in law picked up for me at a hardware store ( yes its getting that weird). Nice guy had a nice first date dinner. We have since chatted on the phone twice; he talks a lot… a whole lot. I am trying to keep in mind what you say. Also both times and at dinner her brought up an exfiance who broke his heart…RED FLAG??
Patti says:
I took a chance and decided to listen to this audio. As I listened I became more and more angry to the point of tears! First..I am 52yo, never been loved (I have NO idea what that even feels like) and no man has stayed in my life more than 6-8 WEEKS! I completely stopped dating for over 10 yrs (easy because men don’t even see me anyway). When i started to TRY to date again (around age 48) I HOPED that men would have grown the hell up! But NO, they have NOT! You kept talking about these grown up men…really? They do not exist! And please do NOT say I am picking the wrong ones! They come to me with their pretty little lies…pretending to be something they are not…just to turn out to be the same old narcissistic, game playing assholes that they were when they were in their 20’s and 30’s!!! They are either married (and yes…3 men in a row were hitting on me and ALL were married) and looking for a side dish, want a toy they can play with when it’s convenient and then ignore when its not, contact you only when they are bored or feel like playing their games…hell the list goes on. They text for a day, then disappear for days or weeks expecting you to do all the contacting and initiating any and all conversations. They have not, in any way GROWN UP!!! All they want to do is lie and play games! I would LOVE for one…just one…to prove me wrong. But they don’t. Time and time again I am proven right. I am sick and tired of the lies, disrespect, and abuse!!!! And sex? Well hell they don’t even want that…at least not with me. I have not been with a man in over 13 yrs!!! I have just given up…those days are over for me. To find a man in my age bracket who is fit (and I mean his health and fitness is a priority), and can come to the table with even a modicum of the honesty, trustworthiness and loyalty that I bring is IMPOSSIBLE….Grown up men?? Yeah right!!!!