How much should you pay attention to your instincts about dating and love?
The other day I was listening to my friend tell me about her 25 minute “date” with this guy “who had nothing going for him.” As she’s talking I’m thinking: WTF?! So I ask her how she could possibly conclude anything about someone in 25 minutes? Her response: I trust my instincts; they are always right.
Well sure it seems to always be right. When it tells you that just about every man you meet isn’t for you and you walk away…you ensure that you have no proof that you’re wrong. But that doesn’t mean that you’re right, girlfriend.
I’ve been resisting writing about this topic of instincts, and gut feelings about love because to be honest: I’m often stumped as to how to advise on this topic. It’s like the “when should I have sex” question. There’s no correct answer.
The definition of intuition is the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning.
Do I think intuition can play a part of making a decision? Yes. Do I think it can be used as the sole basis of a decision? Nope; unless you have a very special gift of clairvoyance.
Let’s be honest: the “intuition” that tells you after 10 minutes that he’s not for you is simply telling you that you can’t imagine kissing him, and certainly being in bed with him.
So, here’s what I’ll tell you: slow down and gather some information before you judge and bolt. Approach meeting men with the kindness, openness, and the self-awareness of a grown-up woman looking for a meaningful relationship. (That is you, isn’t it?).
Pay attention to your instincts, but check yourself to make sure you’re not just judging on superficial nonsense. Yes…it’s what I said: nonsense. I can’t tell you how many times women tell me that after an hour or so with a man he started looking more attractive to her. Or after I force a client to date a guy with a different look than they’re used to, they tell me how glad they are to have done it.
This is my story, btw. If I had gone with my immediate instincts when I met Larry I’d still be online looking for advice rather than here giving it. Thank goodness I hung around to find out what an incredibly loving and hot man he is.
Finding a good man is just too important to treat superficially. Don’t let the good ones get away. Find your balance. Be open and smart about this. Give him – and yourself – a chance to really see the guy sitting in front of you.
Then, make your decision with your head and your heart.
And btw, this friend of mine I told you about…she’s been dating constantly for about 3 years with absolutely no good results. Turns out that she’s “just not meeting quality men.” Ummm…yah, riiiiight.
This is part two of my 4-part series Unrealistic Expectations That are Keeping You Single. Want more Coaching on What Expectations are Realistic >>>
Bobbi Palmer says:
Avoid it by being open and kind. And by helping him get to know you. It’s not all up the the dudes. And if he makes quick judgements (like so many of us do) that’s his problem. He’ll be single for a long time or stuck in some high chemistry/low fulfillment relationship. Too bad, so sad for him, right? Bp
Eqbal says:
Thank you so much dear Bobby. Precious advice!
From the other side it happens too. Especially men who consider themselves clever form a judgement in 30 minutes. How to avoid this?
Bobbi Palmer says:
Well, then it ain’t that good diet I’m sorry you’re feeling that way but if you are it’s definitely a good idea to stay single but on the other hand you can keep learning and growing And in time know – and live – the truth. Hugs. Bp
Dee says:
Your material is good, I’m so overwhelmed I think its best to never be with a man again
Susan says:
Hi Bobbi,
Thanks for responding. I don’t want Mr. Cocky Bad Boy. I read this on the site of a male dating coach about what woman want: “a guy who values himself.
A guy who has standards and specific qualities he looks for in a partner.
A guy that isn’t going to settle for just anyone. Women want men who have options. They want to feel like they actually have to earn your approval (not that they just got it because they’re hot and/or you’re lonely). They have to feel like they could lose you if you’re not getting the connection you desire. A woman wants a man who’s a catch. ”
That pretty much sums it up. It’s not being unavailable. It’s just not drooling over the woman and making it clear he’d do anything to keep her.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Susan. Being 59 myself. I think i understand what you mean. But pls don’t misunderstand my view on this. Yes, at this time in life we need a solid, reliable, mature partner. But that’s in addition to other good stuff: attractive, fun, interesting, and sexy.
But all that comes in a different package at this time in life. I think the guy you’re talking about is the charming,hot bad-boy/totally unavailable dude. Yah that’s super exciting…until it’s heartbreaking.
You can have that exciting guy, Susan. Just pick him like s Grownup. Hugs. Bp
Susan says:
Bobbi,
I understand everything you are saying intellectually, but … what else is left? Once you hit middle age, life becomes very appropriate. Even a job you like has long periods of repetitiveness and predictability. You have your friends, you do your activities, and everything is very pleasant. But I would never call it exciting. And now, women are being told to look for “practical” and “responsible “men. That’s a good, long-term strategy, of course, but it’s as if the Universe is scheming to take away the last potential source of excitement from us — encountering Mr. SexyPants (who I’m very aware comes with his own set of disappointments). You can’t win.