It’s your first or second date and you’re super digging a guy. You’re feeling those butterflies. Should you pay attention to the CHEMISTRY?
If you’re looking for a loving, committed, lifetime partner but keep picking players, narcissists, or non-committals…I’m inclined to say a strong NO!
But then again, just because he’s hot doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t have the potential to be hubby material. If you want to know how to tell if you’re heading into a chemistry trap…get my tips here.
Watch the video or read the article below.
You’re an hour or so into a date with a new man. You like him.
Before you begin, grab your Grownup Girl. You know who I’m talking about. She’s your mature dater. She’s the fabulous woman you’ve gotten to know in other parts of your life and learned to love, respect and take care of.
If you must, break his spell by leaving the table for an alone moment, channel her, just do what it takes to get her there. Now, ask her these questions:
Of course, he is; you said “yes” to the date and haven’t yet excused yourself and gone home yet. The answer is “Yes” so go to the next question.
You’re looking for a great mate…not just a great date, right?
Granted, you don’t know him very well. But what traits show potential? If the answer is “None” (other than he’s hot); or your only other answer is something like “He’s charming”…get the hell out of there girlfriend.
If all you see is Mr. Hot+Charming, pay attention…it’s chemistry! You are in grave danger of going to that “b’bye grownup girl and heeelllo silly 25 year old” moment. YOu know that you are bound to regret that later on, don’t you?
If there are more (grownup) traits you like…proceed.
What you want from a man in a fling is different from what you want from a man in a meaningful, committed relationship. Does he show signs of those qualities?
Be sure to ask your Grownup Girl…she knows the difference. If you can see potential (rather than just hope for it), proceed.
Notice I didn’t say “Do I feel good when I’m with him.” When a man is Hot+Charming you feel good – especially when he directs his charm to you. So I’m going to consider that a given.
What I want you to ask yourself here is:
If this is your first date and the answers are yes or strong maybes…proceed with getting to know him. Be sure to stay in discovery and keep paying attention to the chemistry part of your attraction. He may be a winner!
If this is not your first date and the answers are yes, proceed to the last step.
Again, Hot+Charming feels yummy…even to the most mature of daters.
The real test is how you feel about yourself (and him) when you’re not with him and feeling the effect of that nasty chemistry. So often that time away is filled with insecurity and uncertainty. That’s not how you want to feel for any length of time, is it?
So…ask yourself again:
“Does he seem to bring out the best in me? “Am I comfortable being myself with him?” “Do I feel special and safe with him?”
If the answers are yes strong maybes…again…keep on getting to know him, checking in with that smart Grownup Girl who knows how to take care of herself. I hope he is your winner!
Can you relate? Let me know!
David Fønsbo says:
Hell YES!
Chemistry is what makes it all work. In work, friendship and relationships. Everywhere! Good chemistry WILL bring the best out in both. And it certainly should! Actually, it’s nice to explore me from a positive perspective too! Most of us do not really do that too much.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Right on, Lauren. Glad you’re here. Hugs. Bp
Lauren says:
Yes, yes, yes!!!
I have bookmarked this blogpost!
The big one: how do I feel when I’m not with him is THE sign I have to watch!
Often I when I date a man and I feel chemistry, cause he is hot or just he has this charm around him… I feel butterflies…
But what unrealized lately, this butterflies turn into motts whe he is not around and not consistent.
The high of the chemistry was so high on the date… then he barely kept contact I was becoming super anxious and insecure… often for a reason.
Not that he is perse a bad boy… it was all about chemistry in the moment but then once out of sight he became flaky… spreading crumbs just to keep me on the hook.
I prefer much more dating a guy I feel good and safe with on the date, where there is some tension but also a feel good feeling when not together and where he makes keeps contact moments consistent.
In the en the chemistry grows what is a much better foundation for a lasting relationship (off course we never know upfront if it will be lasting) but the foundation is way better than with Mr Charming
Bobbi Palmer says:
I’m so happy to know that, Marissa! Thank you for taking time and for SHARING! Bp
Marissa says:
I really enjoyed this post. As a mature woman that is learning to date again, I found it to be very insightful and full of useful steps. I am adding it to my blogpost so that my readers can benefit from it as well. Thanks for sharing!!!
samantha J brookes says:
Hello There I met a awesome man thru a friend a month ago. Hes got his own business and has a 14 yr old son with Autism and I do too. He also has a freshman in college that keeps coming home. He told him he still wants to get to know me and hes just extremly busy right now. We were burning the phone lines down. Hes be separated for 14 months he was married for 22 years. HELP we really click last time I heard from him was last Thursday
Bobbi Palmer says:
One last thing: The idea isn’t that you need to pick a man you’re not attracted to. It’s to reconsider your long-held beliefs about what IS attractive in a man. 🙂
Suzy says:
Thanks Bobbi, I really hope you’re right. I am trying my best to be open to men that I like as people but do not find attractive or feel any chemistry with, in the hopes that something will develop but, honestly, I have to keep pushing away that feeling that I’m just not being honest with myself with regards to how I feel and that I’m going thru the motions of giving someone a chance so that I can tell myself that I tried but, in reality, I could never be partners with this man. But another part of me tells me that change is never comfortable (and physical attraction was always one of the boxes any potential partner had to tick before I would consider the possiblity of a relationship) so maybe it’s all part of the process of evolving…I guess I won’t know until the end, if it works or not. My main concern is the worry of misleading and possibly hurting a decent man who has no idea that I am so conflicted…it’s not easy, it is? Anyway, thanks for this forum and best to you and yours.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Suzy, I don’t really disagree with you. I am saying that it doesn’t have to be instant. If you give yourself the chance to get to know someone, chemistry – the physical attraction – can develop. And if all you have is that chemistry, it’s nowhere near anything meaningful. I think you said that well. Glad you’re here. Bp
Suzy says:
IMO, a relationship without chemistry is like a cake without icing – it may be okay or even rather good but it just isn’t as good or as special as it is with it.
Of courses, if you can only have ‘chemistry’ with guys that look like Rutger Hauer circa 1985 and make over $100,000 a year or if you have a history of only having ‘chemistry’ with men that are abusive then, yeah, you might want to rethink your ideas about chemistry.
But, those extremes aside, I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting to feel a spark of attraction – I think it’s actually important. That doesn’t (or shouldn’t) mean that chemistry takes the place of also making sure that you match in other important ways such as life goals, values, etc. – it all matters.
Even the brilliant John Gottman who, together with his wife Julie, established their famous ‘love lab’ wherein they were able to predict to a very high degree which couples would stay married and which would not, says that sexual chemistry is crucial to a happy marriage…
idatemedia says:
I’ve went through 1 divorces in my life and things rings so true. Can’t say how many times I thought about going back but in the end divorce was the only option.
Matchmaker says:
Great article Bobbi that nails an important trap not to fall into. Loved it. Thanks for sharing.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Good job! – Bp
mw says:
Thanks Bobbi…. I am worried he might try and persuade me to change my mind. The chemistry was incredibly enjoyable so part of me is treacherous and tells me I was too hasty! But deep down I know. I blocked him straight after my final message – so that I don’t have to fend of any further attempts to keep me dangling. Thanks again 🙂
Bobbi Palmer says:
MW I 100% agree with your decision. And I’m so happy to hear my work has helped you. With the limited info you gave I can conclude that his attachment style is likely avoidant and you would be playing emotional pong-pong with this guy forever. You’ve taken good care of yourself. Way to go. Bp PS: pretty good chance he will come back to try again. If he does I encourage you to hold your ground, wish him well and ask he not continue to contact you.
mw says:
After a disastrous abusive marriage that lasted 21 years and a subsequent relationship of 5 years with an emotionally unavailable guy which finished 2 years ago I am just dipping my toe in the quagmire of men out there. Met a guy, chemistry was un-de-ni-able (!!). Enjoyed 2 dates with truly incredible feelings where he did bring out a good side in me, I felt desired and yadda yadda, but…. every time he phoned after catching up, he threw up barriers. Last thing he said yesterday (at the end of our date) was that he wanted to see me the day after tomorrow – with Christmas coming up we both have different commitments already in place in the next few weeks. I was surprised and pleased. Not 3 hours later he called to say that, he might be too tired, he wasn’t sure, may have dinner with colleagues instead, the distance was a worry (2 hrs drive)…. I got a similar phone call before the second date too where I said, if it is too hard, we can call it quits now (no no no, I want to see you again…). Once may be a mistake but twice…. With some regret I called it a final quits this morning. He came back to say, let’s have a break until after Christmas, I feel such a connection with you, I have such admiration for you… I wish I was wrong but I’m officially over guys leaving me dangling. Thank you for your articles – I think it’s helping to spot behavior I don’t want. Even if it hurts to walk away.
Maria H. says:
It’s the single biggest mistake women make these days that leads to broken hearts, IMO. 95% of the time you will be seeing your guy with his clothes on. If chemistry were so crucial, how do you explain my girlfriend’s parents who have been married for ages despite the fact that my g/f’s mom was not even attracted to her future husband until one day, at one particularly time, it just happened??? There are thousands of couples like this. If that’s the case, “chemistry” has to be a mistaken idea to some degree. I think we all like to feel some kind of spark after a couple of dates to save time, but that’s not “chemistry.” So many women expect their romantic lives to play out like the script of a romance novel or romantic comedy. The first question I ask after a couple of dates is, “Can I imagine this guy being my very best friend one day?” Not “can I imagine having sex with this man.” If not, I’m gone. My experience is that guys who are great at creating “shaking at the knees” chemistry are often type A personality womanizers who just cannot emotionally connect when women. After a painful divorce that hurt my son deeply, I had to accept certain realities and drop the illogical fantasies from my cranium. The Alan Alda’s are the best relationship partners. But maybe I have different priorities cuz I have a five year old son.
Bobbi Palmer says:
I’m glad you’re here and that I can help you. Keep learning and practicing. Starting to date again can be challenging but you’ve figured out harder stuff than this, my friend. Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
When you’re not with him do you still feel secure and happy and excited about having him in your life? Or do you worry or obsess? If you’re sitting around waiting for him to call then you’re not feeling secure. That’s not a positive feeling. Bp
Tess says:
Great article Bobbi that nails an important trap not to fall into. Will take some clear pointers from this, thanks!
Cathy says:
Just started dating again after not doing so in 25 years. Thought I had my grown-up girl with me but she didn’t show up on that first date. Either that or I ignored her. Now I’m dealing with these awful don’t hear from him insecure feelings. We’ve had two dates, there is chemistry, I see potential (I think). I’m gaining some great information from reading your articles and all the posts from people.
Marion Cuba says:
Bobby, I definitely hear the first 4 tips. But I’m not sure I get the 5th one.
“Do I feel good about myself when I’m not with him?”
Why is this important? Do you mean, do I feel “less than” when I’m not with him?
I would think you’d feel the way you usually feel, though deep down hoping he’ll call.
I’m actually not satisfied with any of these examples. Could you elaborate?
Marion
Bobbi Palmer says:
Glad you’re here and I can help! Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
You are SO welcome! Yah, it’s a hard lesson to learn…but you got it now. You’re on the way to some peace. Here is more help: https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/how-to-get-over-your-ex-heal-broken-heart/ Bp
Jeanne says:
Love this! So so true!! Still digging out from the fallout of following that darn chemistry which has its own pair of non-grown up girl glasses that I put on (the sparkly kind that 16 yr olds love). Yes take a breath and grab GUG (grown up girl). And was that chemistry or anxiety?!! Who knows. Kinda similar. But do not add in physicality without a good chat with GUG. If you do oh my – might as well add super glue. I’m still unsticking and it’s not pretty. Thank you for this post!
Ahadi says:
Thanks, Bobbi. These are good points and the kinds of reminders I need.