Scared of Dating? You’ve Slain Worse Dragons, Girlfriend.

Wisdom: The quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgment.

Fortitude: Strength of mind that enables a person to encounter danger or bear pain or adversity with courage.

Do you sometimes feel scared of dating and going after meeting your mate boldly and like the strong grownup woman you are?

Contrast those to other challenges and disappointments in your life. Are you really so afraid that it’s worth staying single?

You’ve slain greater dragons in your life than this, my friend.

I get it.

The emotional intensity we feel around dating and mating can create such vulnerability and discomfort that it seems ominous (or at least like something we want to avoid).

But really? Being rejected by a man can be the least of the challenges in your life.

The benefit of being in our 40s, 50s, and 60s is our clarity about what we want (our wisdom) and our ability to overcome obstacles to get it (our fortitude).

Here’s my advice to help you stop being scared of dating so can find your love.

I call this my Four Commandments of Fortitude with Men.

1. Don’t talk yourself out of it.

Not only do you want this and deserve it, but you have the wherewithal to get it.

We all experience moments of rejection, confusion, self-doubt, and fears of all kinds when we actively pursue love. Okay, fine. But you can use self-talk to deal with that so you don’t let it stop you.

Nix the “this is useless, I will never find anyone, I’m better off alone” talk. Replace it with the “I usually get what I want, I deserve a great man, I know how to do this, I will figure this out” talk.

2. If nothing else, it’s about learning and growing.

There are very few experiences that warrant a decision to stop looking for love. Save those, every conversation, email, or date you have will be able to teach you something new about yourself or men.

Like anything else you do, the more you learn, the better you get. In the worst case, you may not find your lifetime partner, but you’ll have a lovely and fun time looking!

You have to actively look for these moments. If he responded positively to you, why do you think he did that? (I know! Because you’re fabulous. Own it!)

If you expected him to call but he didn’t, what does that teach you about him or about yourself? (Remember, if he doesn’t call, it’s just about him; it’s not about you or all men.)

Are you making good decisions? Are you being authentic when you meet men? Do you practice kindness to them and to yourself? Asking yourself these questions — even trying to look at things from his perspective — will keep you learning and focusing on positive forward movement.

3. Perspective, perspective, perspective.

Being rejected by a man or feeling like you’ve somehow ruined an opportunity for connection with a great guy is a minor obstacle compared to what you’ve risen above in your life.

You have faced and overcome many challenges. You have an otherwise full and satisfying life that you’ve worked hard to achieve, right? Joyful dating and finding love is the icing on the cake.

If you have trouble remembering this, at least remember Commandment #2. There are no bad dates or wasted chances. Everything you do in your search for love brings you closer to finding it. As long as you keep searching.

4. Keep your eyes on the prize.

Whether your goal is to find everlasting love or to simply enjoy dating and find a companion, keep focused, and try to shut out all the other noise.

Like anything that is truly precious and meaningful in your life, you can reach your goal with a little work and some courage .

Part of fortitude is not giving up before you figure out how to get what you need. Part of wisdom is figuring out what you need before you give up.

If you’ve been dating for some time and haven’t been having fun or found your special man, my wish for you is that you allow yourself to find the strength of mind and gather your courage. Absolutely do not give up before you figure it out and find your loving lifetime mate.

These will also help you:

Jennifer April 3, 2021, 10:23 pm

He introduced himself to me 5 years ago and I felt an instant, emotional and spiritual connection…but he was married. He shared with me that his wife of 40 years was extremely ill and when she died 3 years ago I gave him a big hug. We live in a small, rural community and I see him coming and going practically every day. We enjoy a casual repartee and I definitely feel (felt?) like we are friends. He has even stopped by my house a couple of times…I put my hand on his hand while we talked last time- but he left in a hurry when I invited him in for coffee. Recently we ran into each other at the store and he rested his arm around my shoulders as we chit chatted. He looked back as he was walking away and I had the distinct impression that he was going to say something to me but then changed his mind. I want so badly to spend time with him that I’ve begun to get up early to go to breakfast knowing he will be there. My only wish at this point is to create an environment for our friendship to deepen and grow- but our conversations have become awkward, formal and clipped. I want to a ask him out but don’t know how and am fearful that I might be intruding on his grief…

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- Bobbi Palmer April 4, 2021, 3:49 pm
  
  Jennifer, why don’t you ask him if he’d like to get coffee or lunch some time? Worst case he says no, and you’ll know he’s not ready. And he’ll be flattered and know of your interest. Nothing to lose and you might make him feel good. Bp
  
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Martha September 7, 2020, 1:49 pm

Men are not sure what they want!!

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- Bobbi Palmer September 11, 2020, 9:35 am
  
  Martha, that’s a generalization. Perhaps you’re basing this on only a few men? (A few could be 20 btw. That’s a tiny tiny fraction of the male population, right?) If you’re meeting men who are like this, then you’re just not meeting grownup men. because mature men who know exactly what they want – and how to get it – are everywhere! Hope you can open your mind to that otherwise this will be your reality. You know about unconscious bias! Bp
  
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HEATHER September 6, 2020, 7:37 pm

I enjoyed reading this. It has been 5 years since my last date, preceded by a date 3 years before that and 2 years before that. I have actually begun to wonder if maybe there simply is no one for me out there and is it odd that I am okay with that most days? I will admit that when my friends who are couples are getting along beautifully I wish for that sort of companionship, but as my mom and grandmother both lived for decades, single I am wondering if maybe we women just simply love our lives, our big empty beds (except for the dogs), our crazy busy house (with the grown up kids and their friends popping in), and in all honesty I some days feel like maybe I was always here just to serve others, my family, the community, and perhaps my greatest love is travel and helping animals now. Now if I met a man who spiritually had learned from the past, recognizes the love and peace he has for others, and has a great belly laugh and sense of humour, then maybe that will be when covid has passed or at least when i can travel again to Europe and the UK and Ireland. So many travel plans cancelled this year but I think it was meant to be that I would clean out my garage (still working on that one), my closets, the office, and help build a garden for everyone to visit and sit in and feel such peace during stressful times (actually I helped design the garden but a wonderful friend built it). Man oh man I would actually LOVE to have that big burly gentle guy step in to my life and love my kids and me and we all love him…not saying that I wouldn’t like it. Just maybe I am too far up a mountain to ever meet a single man my age with similiar dreams, integrity, and someone who is both warm and fun. But I do love your letters and advice so thank you so much. I must have read 200 Harlequin Romances when I was 16 so my view of romance was probably a bit skewed from the start but I have to admit I love old fashioned manners and romance.

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- Bobbi Palmer September 19, 2020, 11:14 am
  
  Hi Heather. Ya know you can love your single life AND want a loving relationship. They are far from mutually exclusive. Oh lordy, with the feminist movement mixed in with those damn romance novels an the movies have really messed us up. Please do keep reading and learning. You ain’t dead yet and a good guy is the icing on your yummy cake! Bp
  
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Rachel September 6, 2020, 5:02 pm

I don’t hate men.
I know I’m too risk averse. Giving the cost/benefits analysis I’m not sure putting myself out there is worth it.
I’m too quirky and eccentric to attract most men who prefer bland conformists for anything long term. Maybe I’m just a female Thoreau. He was too odd to sustain a marriage. For women, eccentricity renders you unattractive as well as hard to live with. Too outside the box and say intelligent things that scare men away. (Other women told me.)
Almost 47 years old. Never married. I don’t believe change is possible for me in this area at my advanced age. Crusty old maid.
And I don’t like games or endless strings of hook ups. Most men AND women prefer both. But I’m unusual.

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- Bobbi Palmer September 19, 2020, 10:58 am
  
  Girlfriend, you’ve got some gigantic incorrect and limiting beliefs! If you believe yourself to be a crusty old maid then you’re always going to show up as one. It’s true that men don’t want that chick. (Hey, I was married at 47. Was I an old maid?) If you believe your uniqueness renders and intelligence renders you unattractive, you are wrong and you will react to men in ways that render you unattractive. The women you are talking to are WRONG. Stop listening to them and think for yourself as you probably do with all other areas of your life. What (good) men want is a woman who is interesting and has passion in her life. And they want her to be confident and comfortable in her own skin. You obviously have the first two qualities in spades. It’s the third that you are talking yourself out of with your “truths” that are actually myths. It’s your uniqueness that will attract the right man! You’re not Thourea sister – you are YOU. If you are holding on to that like some badge of honor (as I and some many women do when it comes to our fierce independence) you are right: You’re going be single forever. I’m being blunt here: you’re too smart to believe all this nonsense. Take some time to do some learning from people who know what they are talking about; women who have found wonderful love after 40. Bp
  
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  - Rachel September 27, 2020, 3:44 pm
    
    Thank you for the encouragement. All the women I know personally either married in their twenties or threw in the towel around thirty and remained single.
    
    My parents have had a good marriage. Both were barely out of their teens when it started. But I find their successful marriage discouraging since my dad and all the good men I know and admire character-wise married before their late twenties.
    
    The well went dry before my twenty-fifth birthday. I had a horrible illness in my early twenties and missed out on love. Pretty depressing.
    
    I didn’t meet any monogamous, moral, compatible men last time I tried online dating. 7 years too! The sites I used were OKCupid and POF. Few true creepers. Lots of players. Lots of “mehs” I couldn’t connect with due to lack of common interests, values and beliefs.
    
    Some might consider me a “demi sexual.” It sounds pretentious but I need an inner connection to experience attraction. Otherwise I get squeamish. Mid Victorian levels of squeamish.
    
    I’m a creative professional who can already get by on a very modest income. I clip coupons, cook by bulk and freeze, sew my own clothes, and if I “need” a window treatment or decoration I make it myself for pennies. I can also cook delicious foods from scratch. Including sponge cake and braised asparagus tips with hollandaise sauce.
    
    I live on roughly $20,000 a year. I despise gold digging and since we won’t have kids would be fine with a man who earns no more than me. Height is negotiable too. I’d be more than happy to date a man of 5’6″ or shorter. 5’4″.
    
    Sick of being called “too picky” by well meaning friends. Some of my deal breakers seem picky to other women, but I don’t demand a man who looks like Brad Pitt over 6’2″ with over $100,000. So I disagree with that. I want someone under 60. My dad is only 70 so it makes me feel funny kissing someone too close to his age.
    
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GranyBoogies June 7, 2009, 1:17 pm

Hi, After two years of healing and new growth following the death of my husband after an eight year battle with Alzheimer’s. I have chosen to rejoin the world and see if I can find the last true love of my live thru online dating. My friends keep asking me how it’s working for me so I started a blog. I found your excellent blog while searching for good advice to keep me grounded and remind me of the old saying about kissing a lot of frogs.

I just subscribed to your site and look forward to reading your common sense advice. I hope you will allow me to reference you and quote you when appropriate, maybe put your link on my site when I really get rolling.
Many thanks for being there for all of us.
Granny B

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- Bobbi Palmer June 7, 2009, 8:15 pm
  
  Dearest Granny B,
  Thank you so much for your lovely comment on my site. You are absolutely my hero! Getting out there is bold, and sharing your journey with us is just fantastic. I’m here to tell you that you CAN find love again. If nothing else, I know you’ll find a good man who reminds you how beautiful and special you are, and with whom you can share nice times.
  
  I’d be honored if you would refer to my site and let me help you however I can. My clients are all in their late 40’s to late 60’s and out there like you. It’s not always easy; there are some unique challenges for women as we age, but those nice men are out there just waiting for you.
  
  Please stay in touch, and remember to enjoy the ride. Keep an eye on what you love about yourself and your life, and find the man who will ADD to that.
  
  Together let’s try to help you and other fabulous women find love in their later years.
  Stay in touch.
  
  Bp
  
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