Is Dating after 40 Exhausting You?

I think you’ll be able to relate to Shari. She was dating after 40 (in her 50s to be exact) and found it so exhausting. She was ready to give up.

I understand why she felt that way. She was undervaluing herself. And the men she was choosing were all wrong…kind of schmucks.

I had only been coaching her for a few weeks, but Shari had some ah-ha moments right away. It happened so fast for her because from the beginning of our work together she was open to learning. And to being honest with herself.

She started seeing herself differently; especially in relation to men and dating.

She started on the path to making different choices; ones that made her happy.

After only a couple weeks, Shari was happier and more hopeful. She actually started finding the “real Shari” instead of the gal who was led by her fixation with finding a man.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

When Shari and I first met she was dating two men. Both were hot (her words) and fun to be with.

Sounds perfect, right?

She’d been seeing both men for some time, yet neither had moved into the boyfriend role. She was hoping that would eventually happen; especially with one.

When she spent time with each guy she had fun. But when they were apart she was miserable, feeling all kinds of doubt and insecurity.

(That’s what really tells you if he’s a good match for you btw: how do you feel when you’re not with him?)

Within just a few weeks Shari’s self confidence shone through and she became ready to make better choices. She went on to live her life as a happy single woman, while keeping an eye out for the good guys. Perfect!

Our craving for love can be blinding.

Shari was constantly trying to figure out why the men she was dating weren’t moving to commitment and monogamy, and how she could make it happen.

As a coach, one of my important roles is to help you look closely and honestly at your life and the choices you are making. Are they bringing you happiness?

That’s where I started with Shari.

When Shari took an honest look, she admitted that each man left her feeling bad about herself.  Everything was on their terms. She couldn’t depend on them for anything. She never knew how they felt about her or felt secure in any way.

Neither of these guys were going to be The One. They were never going to make her their #1.

Each had actually told her in his own way.

(Hey, when a guy isn’t showing up for you and making a clear effort to get to know you or make you happy…he’s actually telling you how he feels.)

You understand this though, right? Shari wanted to find The One so badly that she was choosing not to see the truth of what was happening with these men.

It’s never about the men.

Ultimately, when Shari faced the truth, she had to admit that she wasn’t having fun at all. The shitty feelings far outweighed the occasional fun.

She had to acknowledge that she had been holding on for something that was never going to come.

With my urging and support, she released the two guys from her life and turned her attention back to herself.

Why has she been consistently choosing men that were non-committal? Why was she settling and putting up with it? It was all about her. (Which is the good news! It means you can change it!)

Shari started working my 6-Step Find Hope and Find Him system, which is what guides my coaching clients to love.

Step 1, Falling in Love with Your Grownup Sexy Self, helped her discover what she loved about herself as a feminine, juicy woman, and how to express that woman to men.

In Step 2, I’m Fabulous So What’s the Damn Problem, I helped Shari uncover old, false beliefs she had about herself and about men. This is what was making her feel unworthy of love and adoration…and what was leading her to bad choices.

And in Step 3, Who Is He? Getting Past Your List, Shari defined the qualities in a man that would truly make her happy for a lifetime (instead of just a night or two).

Within just a few weeks Shari’s self confidence shone through and she became ready to make better choices. She went on to live her life as a happy single woman, while keeping an eye out for the good guys. Perfect!

Dating after 40 means you get to meet men like Joe.

Shari had known Joe for over a year, but she never thought of him as a potential partner. But now she had her new confidence and new grownup list.

She spent time with him over a weekend (during which he helped her with all kinds of repairs around her house). She noticed that he seemed to truly like and appreciate her.

They had fun together. They talked about all kinds of things.

Hmmm…maybe he was a candidate for a date, or even a relationship. He was clearly giving her the message that he saw the same potential.

When I asked her how she FELT when she was with him, she said she felt comfortable. It was easy to be her real self. She trusted him and felt emotionally safe. They had fun.

She said “I feel like he likes my heart, and that feels simply amazing.”

Shari had finally learned that she was worthy, and for the first time in her life she knew the feeling of being with a man who appreciated and adored her. And she liked it.

She had been working her butt off to get the wrong men to choose her. She was living with insecurity and self doubt; in a constant struggle to figure out how to be different so she could be “picked.”

When she let herself be authentic…and hung out with a man who obviously valued and enjoyed her, not only did Shari feel accepted, she felt seen. She felt special, no matter what.

Isn’t that what we all want?

You see, it’s not about being what men want – it’s about being YOU. This is the biggest irony: The good men want a woman just like you. You just don’t yet know that woman.

When you are your best self, and are willing to openly express “Her” to men, the man who makes you feel emotionally safe and likes your heart will cross your path…

he will dig you just the way you are. He will be your guy.

And by the way, Shari and Joe have been together for several years. Her daughter loves him (she hated those other guys), and has new pride in her Mom for making such a good choice.

Shari and Joe have committed to each other forever. Shari has the life she thought was only for other women..and now she knows it’s for her too. She is energized, and excited about her future.