In my post “How To Get What You Want From Men (So You Can Both Be Happy)” I told you that if you want to give a man the most wonderful gift, tell him what will make you happy. Then let him do it.
Here’s a piece of that post:
When a man cares for you or wants to impress you, he wants to get it right. He wants you to clue him in to what you like and what you want.
The “how” in asking for for what you want from a man is sooooo critical.
I was reminded of that when, after reading the article, one of my clients said, “But my ex-husband always accused me of being demanding when I asked for something!”
Yep, good point. While he could have been a guy who just didn’t want to do things for her, she could have very well been asking in a demanding way. Who likes to be demanded to do anything, right?
How to Ask a Man for What You Want and Need
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D has a must-read article on this subject. She gives such thoughtful coaching on how important it is to be clear on what you want…and then to ask for it.
Dr. Tessina tells you how to do so in a way that achieves your result and at the same time letting your man feel proud and happy that he did something to please you.
When talking about the gender differences, she says, “women need to know how to ask men for what they want directly, and in a rational, not emotional manner.” She goes on to say, “men respond much better to ‘honey, will you take out the garbage?’ than to a whiney ‘the garbage can is overflowing, and it smells bad.’
Dr. Tessina makes the critical point that there is a huge difference between asking and demanding:
She says, “you can tell the difference because when you are asking, you can handle getting a no answer.”
Here are her directions in summary:
1. Get clear about what you want.
2. Create a good atmosphere.
3. Simply state what you want.
4. Be prepared to accept a “no.”
Be sure to read Dr. Tessina’s full article Asking for What you Want.
In the world of mature dating, Dr. Tessina and I agree that it’s your responsibility to learn how to ask without demanding. It’s a skill, and even requires some practice.
If you’re expecting your man to figure out what you want, most of the time you’re going to feel rejected and disappointed. And there’s no reason for this!
When you give him a chance to make you happy, he will likely do it. IF he knows how!
Helping him know how to please you in a kind and non-threatening way will make your dating, relationship, or marriage more fulfilling and happier for you both.
Now go! Read the article Asking for What you Want.
Thanks for your kind words about my article. I agree that we need to date –and relate — as grownups. I look forward to working together with you, and will link to this post soon on my blog. Keep up the good work!