Dating in the #MeToo Era

Dating in the #MeToo era can be awkward. And oh-so telling.

No doubt, if you are out there dating and meeting new men, or just getting to know one special guy, you are discussing world and national events. Which is a good. That’s a gauge of someone’s values and morals and will help you fast-track your compatibility.

Inevitably, maybe even on the first date depending on what’s in the news, the #MeToo movement will come up. And, for most women over 40, it may trigger deep emotions and past trauma. How he reacts can be very illuminating.

Lucky you if right outta the gate he has an evolved, educated and sensitive position on this issue. Excellent!

Hopefully he’s taken the time to read or talk to women about their experiences, to empathize with what 75% of us have dealt with during our careers.

Or, maybe – and more realistically- that may not happen so much.

But, don’t panic. Yet.

Don’t be too hard on the guy if he doesn’t “get” #MeToo at first.

Boomer women are the least likely to report or openly talk about sex-based harassment they have experienced.

That makes sense, right?

We launched our careers at a time when neither the law, nor the powers-that-be protected us. So, we did what we felt we had to.

We kept our mouth shut, our eyes forward and plowed through, internalizing all the way. And suffering as well.

We shut the hell up and stuffed it, which is one reason men can be dense on this issue. It’s not something we talked about in polite company, so to speak.

Thankfully, we don’t have to keep our mouths shut any more.

So, if your guy isn’t taking #MeToo as seriously as you are, then it’s time to start talking. Like I did with my husband.

Larry and I went car-shopping recently. As soon as the salesman approached us I made it clear that I was buying the car and that it was for ME to drive

The salesman smiled, looked right at Larry…and the prick continued to address ONLY Larry for the rest of our time on the lot!

I was fuming when we left.

Larry didn’t have a clue.

“Seriously?” Nothing.

So I took a deep breath and tried to educated him.

I opened his eyes to how that man patronized me and dismissed me as he tried to become pals with him. I guess he assumed The Man had the money and the power. Or maybe he was just so used to demeaning and ignoring women he didn’t even think about it. He just did what he always does.

Larry finally got it. But I had to show him first. And as thoughtful as he is, he definitely wasn’t where I was on the pissed-off scale.

I was a 10. He was teetering on a 5 or 6.

The sexual double-standard is so insidious in our world that even the good guys don’t notice it sometimes.

And Larry, like most men, is a good guy who generally wants to be “woke.”

That’s why, instead of getting pissed off that he didn’t automatically see how that guy was treating me, I took the time to show him.

Dating in the #MeToo era can be to your advantage.

When it comes up, if your guy shows some level of interest and intelligence but is a little clueless, maybe it’s worth taking a little time to school him.

Share one of your jerky car salesman experiences. (I’m sure you have many to choose from.) Let the dude know how it’s been for you.

It will reveal if he really is a good guy, who wants to understand. And if you’re compatible in any way, it will only deepen your level of communication.

But hey girlfriend, if you take the time to help him get it, but he still doesn’t even as a level “5”…then he doesn’t want to.

That, in my book, is a deal-breaker, so…buh-bye.

These will also help you:

Octavia Edwards May 28, 2019, 2:35 am

Woow

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mgm531 May 13, 2019, 4:59 pm

As a man who can be as clueless about #metoo as many other men can be, I will confess that I am not always ‘woke’ to the realities of what many women have to deal with on a daily basis. Although I am trying. But one thing that does puzzle me that was illustrated by this post. Why be passive about the sexist things that happened to you and then get mad at a man that just ‘didn’t get it’ when it happened? I mean, when the jerk car salesman started talking only to your husband directly rather than to you, even though you were the one buying the car, why didn’t you just walk out the door? I’m sure that would’ve gotten the jerk sales person’s attention real quick. Instead, you took this sexist behaviour in silence and then got mad at your husband for not being ‘woke’ enough to realize what had happened. Wouldn’t it had been more productive to take action on your own instead getting mad at your husband?

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- Bobbi Palmer May 13, 2019, 6:53 pm
  
  Hi mgm. You have a point, though I must correct one thing: I did not get mad at my husband. I talked to him. That was kinda the point of the post. Yes, I should have called him out. For goodness sake I used to train guys at car dealers how to do this! But I behaved in the customary way: I Was Nice. That’s what we are taught as girls and we have obeyed that for a very long time. So instead I just turned him off and we left soon thereafter. Next time happens – and it will – I will not only call him out, I will go directly to his boss. His boss likely knows that it’s women who ultimately make the buying decisions. It could get him fired. And I’d be happy about that. It’s time men have consequences for their bad behavior. Bp
  
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  - mgm531 May 14, 2019, 12:38 pm
    
    Well, calling the jerk salesman out on his bad behaviour is sure to get his attention. But going so far as to trying to get him fired by escalating the issue to his boss may actually have to opposite effect. More than likely the boss would probably do something to appease you and then behind your back gossip with the jerk salesman about how ‘crazy’ and emotional you were. Sexist? Sure is. But that’s the reality. If it were me in that situation after sitting through a few minutes of being ignored I would have said something to affect of ‘Excuse me, since it’s obvious that you do not want to sell me a car I believe I will take my business elsewhere’. And then walk out the door.
    
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    - Bobbi Palmer May 14, 2019, 7:09 pm
      
      Dude…do you see what you’re doing??? How about I call you out? You are supposedly ‘sticking up for me’ while telling me how I SHOULD react when a man disses me. Seriously? You get the irony here, right?
      
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Patricia Quagletti May 5, 2019, 10:13 am

Great article, Bobbi, and the topic is so important for all of us to discuss and also with our family members, brothers, Dads, daughters, nieces and nephews because so many people are clueless on the patronizing attitudes toward women that just have been “normal” for all of our lives if we are Boomers.
On my EHarmony profile I do have my religious beliefs but for me that is enough for now. I will start with sorting the men out with just that to begin with and if we are a match on religious values, the rest will follow. I will be more than happy to “wake the guy up” at the appropriate time, maybe after our third date, and see where it lands – if he doesn’t “get it” or seems to be unconcerned with how passionate and sensitive we women – and all women of various ages, cultures, religious and political backgrounds, etc – really are to this topic, it will be his loss but hopefully what I try to teach him will help him on his next date but that won’t be with me 🙂

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