Feeling rejected?
It’s your fear of rejection that’s getting you rejected. ~~ Bobbi Palmer
Fear of rejection seems to be the #1 reason we don’t do a lot of things in our lives. It may be why you don’t date. It may be why some people don’t live their dream of being a musician, or ballerina or actor. I know it’s why I often hold back from spreading my message around the world. (I definitely want to shout – but sometimes I only whisper.)
I have a few coaching clients who are struggling with the pain of rejection. Guys who didn’t call, online dating inboxes empty for a few days…it can eat at you. I lived this for many years and I remember how awful it can feel. So I don’t in any way discount it. But getting through it is critical to being able to eventually find that fantastic man to share your life.
Along with empathy, I help these fantastic women by giving them tools and techniques that help them walk through the hurt feelings and get past it. It may knock them down temporarily, but it doesn’t stop them in their tracks. It stings and they move on; many, many to find loving, devoted men to share their lives.
The feeling of rejection IS painful. In fact, research shows that, when we feel the emotion of being rejected, it affects the same area of the brain that registers physical pain. Not surprising.
Here is an article I wrote previously that has helped many women see a side of rejection they have never considered: Why you should THANK a man who rejects you.
This week I got an email from a friend, Bethany. Bethany is a seriously impressive woman. She is a bright and successful entrepreneur, she’s beautiful, sincere, generous, and has ginormous energy that (honestly) exhausts me.
Bethany told me how sad she was that this new guy she’s dating has apparently dumped her. I say “apparently” because Mr. Man had simply disappeared. No call, no tacky text message. Nothing.
So she’s distraught. She really liked this guy and her feelings are hurt. This sudden end, being one among a few recently, has clearly struck a blow to her self-esteem and her hope for finding love.
As any good girlfriend would do, I called Bethany to show my support. I asked her what it is that she likes about this man. As the story unfolds, as she tells me how well they got along, here’s what I’m hearing: the guy breaks dates, doesn’t call when he says he is going to, and when he finally shows up he arrives late. Great guy indeed. But you know the drill: Bethany is convinced that he’s this great guy.
So I tell her: he’s a jerk! I tell her how sad it makes me that she’s letting herself fall for these types of guys. I tell her that there are so many considerate, interesting, attractive men out there hoping to meet a woman like her. These others — the ones she’s been going for — are simply grownup boys. They are players. They’re not looking for a fabulous woman or any meaningful connection. They’re simply looking for someone to stroke their ego and probably their “little friend.” They’re not necessarily bad men, they’re just not men who could fully participate in a grownup relationship.
Bethany – my beautiful, brilliant, accomplished friend – falls for these guys and falls quickly. Once she does, presto! They can do no wrong. She excuses their bad behavior. She’ll tell me: he canceled our date at the last minute because he had a migraine, he never showed because he had car trouble, he was inattentive because he was tired…blah blah blah. You know the drill. We’ve all been there. And the final blow after being mistreated by these guys: it’s they who ultimately reject us.
I see this too often with the women I know and coach in their dating relationships. Happens when we’re dating at 30, 40, 50 and beyond; we all do it at some point in our lives. Some of us are still doing it. It’s a trap that worthy, smart, beautiful women fall into. I certainly did it over and over myself until I healed and felt worthy enough to say “no” until I found the man of my dreams.
You probably already know this is all tied up with self-esteem issues. We know that, and we know we need to work on it. I’m not going to belabor that here. (Yet I will be giving you some great exercises to do for this in the near future.)
What I do want to tell you is why we need to thank these men who disappoint and reject us. Yep – I want you to start Thanking Them. Knowing how to do this may not solve your ultimate issue of falling for the wrong men, but it sure will help you feel better until you do.
Next time I’ll (not so proudly) my story of the years I spent loving a man who could never have made me happy. He knew it long before I did. And I thank him every day of my new, spectacular life.
Meantime, let me know what your experiences are. Has this happened to you and now you can see why you are lucky?
(You can read Part Two here.)
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Nisha. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can understand how upset, angry, disappointed you are. You didn’t write much about how he has responded to your sharing how you feel so I have to guess here. You know, sometimes life situations change and that can change people’s plans. Do you think he was leading you on and lying the entire time or, like you said, do you think he saw what others were doing and started to have new feelings about what he wanted? I can’t tell you, of course, but I want you to think about it. Here’s another thing to think about – and it won’t be easy: were there any prior signs you may have missed that could have clued you into his level of commitment? It’s important that you take some time to do this so you can grab any learning you can from the experience. I know it seems like if this doesn’t work you could never trust love again, but you can, Nisha. When you’re ready, give this a read. It’s about handling rejection. If, in fact, this romance is over, you’ll grieve, learn how to do it better next time, and move on to find forever love. You Will. Hugs. Bp
Barri says:
More likely he wanted more the what you could give meaning he wanted you to use you at the hotel. You should have never apologized to him by saying you wanted more than what he can give. Ha don’t let a man tell you that. He wants more in a physical way. Thus it was him wanting more
Nisha says:
The guy I recently dated for about 7 months now……………..lead me on the whole time. I thought we were on the same path until one day he told me he is having an engineer interview new the following week and it maybe out of the country. I was like out of the country? He was like yeah, so I asked him where does that leave us and he said he doesn’t know if he would take the job or not. So I asked him where do I fit in……….we had only gotten more and more closer, would talk everyday, he would message me every day and I asked him when are we going to make things oficial. He stated he needed more time…but its been 7 months…….If you haven’t made up your mid about me by now and I have already and know that I want to be with him…………then we shouldn’t be together. I have not contacted him……it is day 1 of “no contact” I feel angry because I felt he lead me on for months………..stating that he wanted the same thing and I tol him what I expected from the beginning and wanted……I was open and honest. He stated in the beginning he wanted the same thing, but after seeing his friends traveling the world he wanted to take more advantage of opportunities. I loved him but now I currently resent him. I asked him now, what am I to do with all these feelings because in the beginning I told him I am tired of being in “dead end” relationships as in relationships that lead no where. I’m tired of hanging out……..I need no more friends………I need a guy to make a commitment as my boyfriend, I don’t need no “hang out friends” I want something serious….that’s all I ever wanted!!! I am just trying to pick up the pieces of my life somehow and move on….I get so sad and I feel played by him..but everyday I am somehow trying to move past this, but the rejection again is like hurtful because I outright told him I don’t want to go thru this from day 1.
Lauren says:
Well the guy should be happy when us girls end the friendship too because I know that I wouldn’t make a good friend to a guy who I like because I wouldn’t really be able to be happy for him when he had a girlfriend or got married so yes it’s best to end it plus this article is stupid
Bobbi Palmer says:
The only thing that’s ‘wrong with you’ is that you are choosing this man as your fiancee, Palmira. Why would you be with someone who makes you feel so scared and insecure? Time to ask yourself why you would put up with this. I hope you see that he’s not for you, and hope you start doing some work on valuing yourself more. A man should make you haooy. Hope you can find that. Bp
Palmira Garcia says:
I have a fiancee we have been together since May25 2015 he is a hard worker, and a good provider. Though hardly acknowledges me plays mind games, I’m scared what to say or not say. I wish he would just be honest and tell me the truth I assume he is not telling me everything. I have been straight up been rejected while trying initiate making live to him. I questi n if there is something wrong with me?
Shayna says:
Well, theres this guy I went to High School with( never liked him) and he recently received his Master’s degree in Educational Leadership. I was intrigued that he was a black man out here making a difference and I begin to conversate with him ove Facebook messages. Despite his short answers I continued the conversations. Eventually, he came down to visit his family and I initiated we meet sobthat we could catch up on the great things we’ve both accomplished. Nevertheless, I wanted to meet at a park while he wanted to meet at his hotel. I became infuriated with him and we got into a mini argument over text msgs. Then he said it ” I don’t want you, trust me” and I fell apart. Thoses words hurt my feelings so bad. I cried but then I read this post. After reading I told him that I apologized for my actions by expecting more than he was willing to give and wished him well. I felt a whole lot better. I realize it wasn’t his fault. He’s a man. Definitely NOT my man and I couldn’t be upset with him for that. I will now learn how to NOT allow my emotions to overlook the red flags that are always present. Thank you.
Bobbi Palmer says:
That’s quite harsh, Lauren. When a man doesn’t choose to date you it doesn’t mean he’s a jerk or not a ‘real man.’ It usually just means he doesn’t see you as his longterm mate. That doesn’t make him a bad person. Just like my ex, who told me up front that he’d never marry me. He wasn’t a jerk. He was being honest. It was I who chose to ignore what he told me. That’s my bad, not his. It’s anger like this that burns us out and gets us rejected, because we show up untrusting and with our defenses up. Something to pay attention to. Bp
Lauren says:
Well obviously if he rejects you he’s not a real man or a real friend so that’s why you should be happy also a word of advice ladies if a guy ever does this to you don’t let him get to the point where he says but we can still be friends cut him off tell him no before he can ask
Fashion Flash Takes You Around the World! Prime Beauty Blog says:
[…] Date Like a Grownup says feeling gratitude towards the man who rejected you is the best way to grow and move on. Here is why. […]
Bobbi Palmer says:
I’m so glad you’re here, Kathleen! when you said “I’m learning to love ME and I’m learning to be patient with men” my heart smiled. Congratulations for the work you’re doing to get past the old stories (ugh!) and move forward to get what’s so important to you in life: LOVE.
Side note: My husband, Larry, winked at me. When I asked him why he winked instead of writing he said “I thought you were out of my league.” Don’t ignore winks, ok?
Keep reading and also keep an eye on my upcoming programs. Again, happy that you’re here and thanks for your comment!! Bp
Kathleen says:
As I end a 20 year marriage and begin to navigate the scary, dark waters of internet dating at 46, I’m encouraged to have stumbled upon this site/blog!!!!! I have always struggled with rejection, pretty much from birth. Adopted at 2 weeks of age into a fantastic family, still did not erase that initial rejection on my heart and soul. As a result, my little girl isn’t helping my adult self, nor has she ever, find true love. The best part in all this upheaval, I’m learning to love ME and I’m learning to be patient with men. Albeit I still screw up and “block” potential suitors if they don’t respond to a message or a “wink” within 48 hours, I still feel stronger in my own skin and can articulate very well to a potential mate what I want. Blessings to everyone and know that your forever guy is out there. Especially with the sweet guidance of this blog and Bobbi 🙂
Lee says:
You are so right Bobbi. Everyday I thank my ex-boyfriend of 2 years for not wanting to marry me! At the time it hurt like hell, but now that I have perspective I know it would not have worked. Even though I’m still looking, I’m grateful for his rejection.
Brilliant as always!
Innocent Bystander says:
Empowering post. Thank you, Bobbi!
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Karol, I know…situations like this can be very painful. Your man may say he loves you but I encourage you to ask yourself if he acts like he loves you. I encourage you to give this some honest thought. It sounds like you are very smart and on your way to a great career. Do you really need a man who can not handle disagreement and disappears? Believe me: being single is far more pleasant than being in a relationship with a man you can not depend on and with whom you feel insecure and bad about yourself. You are in my thoughts.
Karol says:
I am going throughout something similar and it really hurts when you are being rejected. It sucks …. And I still don’t understand why we take it… It weirds me up sometimes Im 30 years old , I work and I am finishing my bachelors degree. I an dating a man that is 54 years old he is single but everytime we argue or something bad happen in the relationship he doesn’t want to talked to me. Weeks by pass and he doesn’t talked to me no calls nothing. The worst thing is that he said that he loves me all the time…. And that confused me bs makes me really sad ..,, bur reading your article has help me I wish I can be more strong to deal with this specially bow that we are getting close to Christmas