We’ve been talking about feeling rejected, and why the pain you’re feeling may not be necessary at all. I know you’ve been waiting with bated breath!
As promised, what follows is my seriously humiliating story of falling for the wrong man and holding on for dear life. I’m quite sure I’ll feel fantastic once I share this so publicly…not! (The things I do for you!)
(If you missed it, you can read Part One here.)
When I met Steve I was 35. I was an accomplished, independent, grownup woman. Steve told me on our third date that he would never marry me. He said that he would “hang out with me” until I was ready to move on, but would never make any commitment.
I was looking for marriage and told him so. But yah, you guessed it: I chose to stay, and I fell in love. After more than 3 years (!!) with him, during which time we practically lived together and he was always kind and fun to be with, he never ever called me his girlfriend. And although he never swayed from his initial declaration, I was oh so sure he would change his mind.
Any day, I thought. But it never happened. I was crushed when I realized the truth and I finally left. I cried my eyes out for months. I honestly thought my chance for love had passed me by. (Steve quickly moved on and last I heard, at 50+, he is still single.)
Fast forward to today. It’s many (many) years later. Years spent in a some mini-relationships and affairs; dating offline, online, and speedily; going to seminars and reading books so I could “understand” men; and paying for some bad and some great therapy. And voila! Here I am, an extraordinarily happy and fulfilled woman married for life to an amazing and loving man, sharing the grown-up relationship of my dreams. (It took a lot of work to get here, but let me tell you that the payoff is spectacular.)
And voila! Here I am, an extraordinarily happy and fulfilled woman married for life to an amazing and loving man, sharing the grownup relationship of my dreams. (It took a lot of work to get here, but let me tell you that the payoff is spectacular.)
So now, I’m here to say to my dear Steve: Thank you so freakin’ much for rejecting me!!
Praise the Goddess, Allah, the Universe, your Aunt Tilley…whomever…that the Steves in our lives reject us. They generally do it because they know something we don’t know (or refuse to know): they would never be able to make us happy!
Most men are pretty clear about who they are, what and who they want, and how much they are willing to give. And if they declare it as Steve did; believe them damnit!
If a man has no real interest or ability to make you happy, he may hang out with you but he won’t commit to sticking around to nourish your heart and mind.
No matter how convinced you are that he’s The One, you need to take a man’s rejection as an important positive sign. If you’ve shown him your real and true self and he doesn’t choose you, be grateful. He knows himself way better than you do and he sees something that tells him that you’re not a good match.
This has nothing to do with you not being ‘good enough.’ Like with my ex Steve, it probably has everything to do with him; his goals in life, his past experiences and his other mishegas. (Mishegas=insanity or craziness, for the Yiddish challenged.)
Maybe he just wouldn’t be caught dead married to a gal with your hair color. Or your family. Or your height. Or maybe he wouldn’t be caught dead married to anyone at all. No matter; these guys are doing us a huge favor when they don’t reciprocate our adoration and they hand us our girlfriend pink slip. (Granted they generally don’t dump us out of the goodness of their heart, but it’s a mitzvah nonetheless. [Mitzvah=good deed. All of the sudden my Yiddish is coming out.])
Girlfriend, I’ll bet that every woman at various times in her life has fallen for a man who is not good for her. We do it for various reasons. We’re attracted by all sorts of whacky things, and we can make really bad choices when it comes to the men we pick. The bottom line is this: simply like and respect yourself enough to expect a man to make you happy. You deserve that. And when he doesn’t, even it that means he dumps you, know that you’re great and that this is part of your journey to love. Until you find The One, thank the man who rejects you, dumps you, or disappears. He knows something you don’t and he’s doing you a huge favor. Thank goodness!
Alexandra Clark says:
I truly enjoyed your blog. Thank you for posting it.
Clareog says:
I was seeing this guy for a good few months and things were going incredibly well.. He was everything I was looking for in someone, affectionate, loving, so fun to be around. We were having an amazing time together. I went away for a month and when I came back, it was like a light had been switched and all of those amazing qualities seemed to have disappeared. In the end I broke up with him because I just couldn’t figure out what had changed in him. Like he has changed his mind about me. We have since been trying to be friends.. Cooking dinner a lot recently, going for walks and subconsciously I thought maybe I could just be friends with him, maybe it would be better to have him in my life in one capacity rather than none at all.. But i still feel hurt and maybe I’m not being totally honest with my own feelings. Sometimes I think I could just cut off all contact but then I really do like him as a person and want him in my life. What should I do?
Feeling Rejected? Why You Should Be Happy – Part One says:
[…] (You can read Part Two here.) […]
Empty Soul says:
Where are you from? How can I get in touch with you?
Bobbi Palmer says:
The answer to why you feel like the one that has been rejected is that you don’t value yourself, Lisa. I’m so sad to say it. This man cheated on you and lied to you repeatedly. He did you a favor, Lisa. Do some work on getting to know yourself and embracing you wonderful value as a woman, ok? You deserve to do this for yourself. Bp
Lisa D says:
Is it a thing with men to be too afraid to do the breaking up that they do things that they know will break your heart then tell you about it to maintain their morality thru painfully honesty? I am 51 yrs old and never had a boyfriend treat me so disgraceful in my life. I think he needed me to be the one to take the initiative to dump him. I did, because being his girl did not include low self confidence and the feeling of not being lovable enough. Out of not having the knowledge or will power to continue giving him the best of me when he clearly did not appreciate me, I told him I knew exactly what I want. I dont go out and sleep with random men to try and figure it out. He does and then confesses his guilty pleasure and says he will break up with me if I try to get even with him and do go out with other men. I’ve have sacrificed almost all that I am by giving this man all my love and devotion for 3 years. I believed he was the man of my dreams. At one time he was and presented as such but the past 3 months have been devastation to my confidence and self respect. To think I forgave his cheating heart 6 times before giving up on him. Why do I feel like the one that has been rejected here?
Vincent Nyakundi says:
I need a mature woman to keep each other close in this world ever
Vincent Nyakundi says:
Hi when rejected it means somebody special is in front of you singles we are many ready to mingle
Bobbi Palmer says:
You are SO welcome, Faith! I’m thrilled that you “got this” and will take it to heart. Glad you’re here and thanks for letting me know. Bp
Faith says:
Thanks to this wondaful article.so interesting.i used to feel hurt when am been rejected.but after going through ur article,i feel like flying witout winds,believe the wrong person gives way for mr right to come in.thanks alot once again.
Bobbi Palmer says:
I totally understand, Lou. I have one of those guys from my past. But please don’t waste your time wondering about him. You’re happy now, right? Enjoy where you are, girlfrend. I’m happy for you! Bp
Lou says:
Hi Bobbi
I’ve been rejected by a guy I loved… and I’m so happy now.. I’ve moved on an got married with another guy… but it hurts even though that I’ve been rejected..and he also had moved on but. I often wonder if he would miss me now
Natalie says:
Wow, deserve? I think this is one of the worst advice I’ve ever seen. Damn, “take a look at herself? Why would he want a woman in her 30s?” Why not? Women are just as beautiful sometimes more so than younger women. You have to be a troll. If you are not, I apologize, but that was the worst stereotypical or sexism thing I’ve ever heard. Obviously you praise men or else what would make you say such a thing? I have no idea how long ago this article was written. I’ll look in a moment but I was compelled to respond to this. I hope you don’t typically give advice because this is the worst I’ve ever seen yet. Just leave this to Bobbi. Great article by the way. We as women sometimes do not listen to what men are saying because we know how great we are sometimes and think that if he spends enough time with us, he’ll get it too but they don’t a lot of times. I have learned a lot from my past rejections and I am thankful to each one of them because they’ve taught me to appreciate myself and value my time. Bobbi’s right, if that man expresses anything other than what you want it to be, believe that man and graciously move on.
Carlie says:
Thank you, Bobbi,
As much as it hurts, I know you’re right and I have to remember that it’s his loss not mine. I will grow from this and find true love or it will find me.
Always, honestly yours,
Carlie
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Carlie, I know it’s hard but my advice is to move on, sister. In all ways. You’ve been in love with a man who told you at the beginning that he wasn’t going to commit to you. I’ve dont that myself and it took me three years to finally leave. It’s the best thing I ever did! Had I not I wouldn’t be enjoying my very best time of my life as I am now. Learn everything you can from this experience and you’ll have that to take with you on your journey to love. What could you have done differently and why? What did you learn about yourself and about men?
And btw if you run into him, just say hello and carry on with your life. You’ll be fine. Hugs, Bp
Carlie says:
Hi Bobbi,
I was involved with a man 18 years my senior. He stated from the beginning that he was just looking to explore with a friend and being in school and him being a busy Forex trader this seemed to be suitable. I told him if I started to have stronger feelings I would let him know. Well, after he spoiled me with lots of attention during the first two months, because he was on vacation my feelings were starting to grow. When he got back home from being on vacation he went back to work and his studies as a Forex trader and the communication slowed down. Whenever I expressed that I wasn’t happy and I was having a hard time adjusting to the change he would kindly accommodate me. After he had been back from vacation for about a month I let him know that I was falling in love with him and that I wanted to stop seeing him, because I knew he did not want to date me. He talked me out of not seeing him and ending our special friendship and today I wish I would’ve left then. The following month at one point he told me he was crazy about me, but that he needed some time to get his head straight.After another three or four months around Thanksgiving things really changed, I believe he started communicating with another woman and was starting to fall in love with her. At this point I was hooked on him. In January we had a serious talk about my feelings and the fact that he wanted to be best friends with me and that he was seeing someone else. I stupidly hung on thinking that she would get tired of his absent ways of being a serious Forex trader and dump him. I got stranded at the trailhead, my car wouldn’t start, he came to my rescue and my birthday was going to be in a couple of weeks and we decided to spend it together as friends. Even as friends when I hang out at his place I usually spend the night because it’s an hours drive for me to get home, we don’t stay at my place because I have kids. My birthday started out great we had wine and watched a great movie St. Vincent. When we went to bed at night he usually lets me hold him, but this night he said, “I haven’t slept in the same bed with a woman in a long time so I’m not really used to it,” meaning he didn’t want me to hold him, when just a month earlier I had stayed the night and fell asleep on his chest and in his arms. That rejection right there hurt very badly, so I quietly got out of bed after he fell asleep packed up my things and left. On my drive home he texted me asking where I was and I lied and I said I couldn’t sleep I went for a drive and I was on my way back he said we’ll just talk tomorrow. I got back to his place and he had locked me out in the cold. I rang the doorbell, I was really tired at this point, he came down and turned off the living room light and went back upstairs. He texted me this, “i’m done! goodbye…..please don’t continue to contact me. Drive to Motel 6 or go home…or sleep in your car; you had a nice warm place that you left…do not send me anymore text”. So I slept in my car on that cold February morning and went home. I was tired and angry and I left a couple of angry messages, he sent me angry emails, I tried to apologize because I know it was inappropriate and he sent me more angry emails. I know this all makes me sound really stupid, but getting this off my chest is really going to help. The one thing that I’m not upset about is leaving, I regret how I left, but I was in love with a man who is never going to want me the way I wanted him to and it was painful being best friends with him hearing about his emotions with another woman. I think if I would have left the first time I had feelings for him and had gotten over him we might’ve been able to be best friends. In October I’m going to be moving to the same town where he lives so that I can finish my schooling. I’m sure we’re bound to run into each other because we do have a lot in common and I need some advice on how to handle that.
Always, honestly yours,
Carlie
Diane says:
A man is rejecting me and I can’t even seem to realize it. Off and on seeing a man a few years, initially moving toward a committed thing then he had financial difficulties, moved away and what was loving changed, he is in no position to commit to anything. I have been depressed and sad. He calls, rarely I see him. Recently decided to date again. I joined some groups, trying to get out more, taking better care of myself, smile, be friendly. Still no dates. Went online a few months, not one date. I think he assumes I will stick around, but I want to have real love and I am looking. This article is my story, hit me between the eyes.
Coled says:
Yes. If he doesn’t want to be involved with you, than he doesn’t want to be involved with you. Have you asked yourself why? Or even him why he doesn’t want to be involved with you? Men tend to be logical about these things.
If your perfect man doesn’t want you, then it is likely you didn’t deserve him. Maybe you should take a look at yourself. Frankly, if he’s generally catching the attention of most women, why would he want a woman in her late 30s, if he could get something younger?
Annalisa says:
Question: What if Steve appeared to change his mind? Although he seems to like nothing about you (your past, your personality, your nationality which automatically makes you a flaming liberal, your age, how clean you keep your house, your pets) and has said at certain points that he can’t marry you because of it, he has said at other points he wants to marry you and have you be the mother of his children, that he wants you to be the last woman in his life and be the last man in yours. I say “appeared” because every time one of those big hitters on the “will not marry” list comes up, he snaps and says again he won’t marry you, but then when things are calm, he says he will. And THEN, when he says he wants to marry you, you bring up the stuff on the big hitter list, he gets upset that you brought it up. (Yes, he’s one of those boys from your first article. I get that, but here you’re saying that men are clear, and I happen to disagree.)
Lee says:
Once again you nailed it Bobbi. Can’t wait for the GGNO tonight to hear why men don’t call. I’ve heard their lame excuses, now I want to hear the TRUTH. Got my chardonnay chilling! Thanks
bobbi says:
Hi Monica. I am SO happy you’re feeling so empowered and “on task.” And thanks so much for sharing with me. I love to know I’m helping women in this journey! You have this just right. Keep me apprised! You have my love and support.
miskwa says:
Great article and I see that I still have a lot of work to do to heal from a really humiliating sort of rejection (colleague who pursued me for two years, made all the noises about how alone he was, was on line, and was involved with someone else the whole time and I found out in a very humiliating and public way. My major issue I think is that there are soooo few quality men in this region (healthy, educated, drug/alcohol free) that it does feel as though my only other options are to “settle” for soemone I really do not want or write off any sort of relationship till I can retire and move on. This is why I refused to take some obvious red flags seriously (hot/cold inconsistent behavior). if I’d felt there were good options, I woulda probably rejected him. On line forays since than have kinda proven this; I meet men, but they are very, very, wrong for me or will not be willing to even visit my mountain town along with the usual run of frauds, liars of various stripes, guys who really still do not know what they want although they are well into their 60’s. On the other hand, I have done my share of rejecting: guys who truly were/are a poor match for me. I know what does/does not work for me and know what it is I want in a relationship and do not use folks for attention. I have always done my rejecting very early on and in as thoughtful and caring a manner that I could. None of this dissappearing crap which seems so prevalent these days.
bobbi says:
Spectacular! I’m so glad it helped. I promise you that you’ll look back on this and see it positively. Big hug…
Van Le says:
Thanks a lot for writing this article. It helps soothing me a lot as I have just got rejected by a guy with whom I fell head over heels in love. He told me he had a lot going on and that he didn’t want anyone else to get caught in his own trouble. Whatever the reason might be, I felt hurt but now after reading this, I think I gotta thank him for at least not trying to play with my emotions and giving a chance to find someone else who has time to show interest in me 😀
Natalie says:
Okay, I am almost starting to sort of, get ready for my breakthrough! After a guy texted me inappropriately (mildly, but still inappropriate), I told him that “before anything, I am a lady”
Although I’m still dealing with getting attention after many years of NO attention, I am starting to realize that in dating and dealing with men, the “soggy potato chip theory” really comes in to play. Bad attention isn’t the same as positive attention. If I can’t have the crispy Lays potato chips, I don’t want the soggy store brand! I don’t want attention that doesn’t make me feel respected and appreciated!!
Heather says:
I totally thank the men who broke my heart in the past, because I know now that it never would have worked out and I would have missed out on some important things if I’d stayed with them. In one case, I wish it hadn’t taken so long, but, whatever. However, I think I’m doing something even worse to myself now than I ever did by dating the ‘seemed better than being alone’ boyfriends in the past. I’ve lost the motivation to want to date because I figure it will just end in heartbreak for one of us anyway. I want to date, but as I get older and become more self aware (I’m 37 and I’ve been doing the whole therapy, reading up on things, etc. route for the past 2 years myself) I realize how few men really have the unique combination of what I’m looking for to make a relationship possible on my end. I even ‘force’ myself to meet or date men sometimes I am not initially attracted to or interested in and nothing good comes of it.
I have a lot of trouble believing I will ever find the perfect guy I can love who will love me equally in return because, well, I almost never meet guys like that. I did meet a guy 2 years ago who seemed to be eerily similar to my ideal, except for one (important) thing – he didn’t want to date me. I’m thankful to him for not making it easy for me to keep pushing off dealing with my problems by escaping into another relationship, but I sometimes wish I’d never met him. I have not had any kind of romantic relationship with him, but since I met this guy who was so close to that rara avis I seek, nothing else will do. Am I totally out of luck?
Mari says:
Loved your articles. This was very hard to read with the grey writing on the red background. But I loved the article! Thank you so much. I am ready for the ONE and look forward to meeting him. Finally healed from the past and ready to move on… All is well in time…
http://www.facebook.com/ahamomentsinc
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Mari, Good for You girlfriend! Seriously, when you’re ready to open your heart and let yourself be hopeful, that’s when great things come into your life. But you already know that, right?
Thanks for stopping by and commenting. Keep in touch and keep reading; because in addition to the positivity you need the tangible tools and information. With all that your future is surely bright. Have fun and be good to yourself.
Natalie says:
Okay, I am ashamed to say that I am hanging on to one who is probably not for me. I will keep reading these “Bobbi-isms” until something in me clicks and says ENOUGH!
I am hoping that the one who isn’t good for me will reject me!
Marydale says:
Awesome series, Bobbi! You go girl!