As a dating coach for women over 40, I often hear stories about men talking their heads off on dates as the women sit quietly nodding and “uh-hu-ing.” (Notice I didn’t say listening.) Inevitably, these two will never have another date…unless the woman has been coached by me.
Usually one or more of these reasons will prevent them from having another date:
1. She can’t fathom the idea of listening to Mr. Blabbermouth one more minute.
2. He shared something he shouldn’t have and she’s turned off by it. (How many times do I have to tell you: don’t over-share when you’re getting to know someone!)
3. He leaves feeling embarrassed and exposed, which means he will never call her again.
(There is one exception to this: the occasional guy who just loves hearing his own voice and loves an audience. He will call again. Oh, goody.)
What’s funny about this situation is that it’s quite the opposite of the rest of life. Overall, women talk way more than men. In fact, when men are asked what bugs them about women, most men say we talk too much. My husband says that women talk in stories, but men like listening in headlines. As usual, I think he’s right. (Which, btw, is what bugs me about him.)
Yes, we gals do have the propensity to blab for the sake of it. I love that about women and wouldn’t have it any other way. Yet on dates it’s not uncommon for it to be the opposite, with the man chattering away. He could be nervous” or overcompensating for insecurity…but there is another reason I don’t think we consider. Here is my theory:
Single men rarely get the opportunity to talk about themselves and their lives, and our femininity brings this out in them.
Think about it: men don’t socialize like women do. When was the last time you saw two (straight) men out having dinner or taking a walk together? Male connection generally takes place through activities. They need some sort of goal, and being together is generally secondary to that goal.
Here’s an example. My husband went sailing for four hours with a friend who is in poor health and in the middle of a divorce. When he returned I asked how the guy is doing, and he had no freaking idea; they never discussed it. Why? Because…they were sailing!
Then there’s us. Women get together for the purpose of talking, listening and sharing. The activity – if there even is one – is secondary. When I get together with a few girlfriends for dinner, we will spend two to three hours and talk the entire time. What we eat and the ambiance of the restaurant are of little importance.
When women get together, even often in a business environment, it’s about the human connection. We love being able to talk about ourselves, hear our pals’ stories, and support one another when needed.
Hence my theory: I believe that, when in the company of a lovely woman, some men simply feel like talking – especially when the women seem open to it. Men are just like us: they need human connection and to feel heard and understood. And they get that from the women in their lives.
If you’re out with a man who hasn’t had much female companionship, he may have a lot bottled up. He may “get drunk” from the opportunity to talk about himself to a kind, pretty woman – especially one who appears to be willing to listen.
When you find yourself with a chatty man, show him some compassion. Remember how much you love talking and consider that he might too, yet doesn’t often get the opportunity. When you present him with it, along with your beautiful smile, he might take advantage of the situation.
So instead of just writing the guy off, give him a break. Look for things you like about him and things you have in common. Then manage the conversation away from him; either using a subtle segue or by interrupting if necessary.
If he’s a smart and good guy, he will be thankful that you steered him away from his yammering. And if you find things you like and decide to go out with him again, nine times of ten he will not repeat it. Ask my coaching client “Sharon,” who is now madly in love with one of these guys. She never would have agreed to see him again had I not encouraged her to do so. Now…for her…life is back to normal, and she does most the talking.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Girlfriend, just tell him! Tell him you liked him and feel like you talked his head off and would he give you a second chance. Tell him there’s lots you want to learn about him. No long drawn out thing.
He may not respond but, hey, worth a try. Good luck.
Nicole says:
Ugh. This was me on my last date (I am a woman). It was only an hour and a half, but me getting excited along with my adhd had me talking way too much. I have the self awareness to know I was talking a lot, but I feel terrible now. For what it’s worth, he was laughing a lot and kept asking more follow up questions to what I was saying and seemed entertained. He even alluded to hanging out again twice. At one point; I even told him I was talking way too much and asked him a question. Somehow, the conversation circled back around to me talking some more! I think I missed my one opportunity with an amazing person. It’s been two weeks now and he hasn’t asked me to meet up again. If there’s any room for redemption, I would love the key to that.
Bobbi Palmer says:
I know, it can be really frustrating, Jamie. Try to interrupt and return back to yourself. If he doesn’t get the hint, he’s probably not for you. I know this is common, but not always. There are wonderful men out there who really want to get to know you. Hugs. Bp
Jamie says:
This is an interesting perspective. I’ve had this happen many times.
A common pattern is the guy asks me a question, I answer and then he takes the conversation in another direction. Another pattern is the guy going off on a tangent or man-splaining things that I am much more familiar with than he is!
In all cases, I am reluctant to ask questions or find a way to compliment him because he is telling me way too much. I am overwhelmed, and not sure where to go with the conversation. But now I appear uninterested and as though “I’m not giving him a chance.”
Bobbi Palmer says:
Girlfriend, instead of me giving you studies that show otherwise, I’m comfortable relying on my 62 years of life experience, including being married for 15 of those and having countless couples as close friends. I stand by my assertion that, in day-to-day life, Most women talk way more than men. And that’s especially true of men and women boomers. I’m sure you can find people elsewhere who have blogs that agree with your POV. Bp
Katrina says:
I’d appreciate if you stopped perpetuating the stereotype that women talk too much. The studies Janice Drakich found showed only 2 studies indicating women talked more than men, 34 showing men talked more than women, and 16 showing that they talk about equally.
Bobbi Palmer says:
I really appreciate your comment, Michael. We love hearing from articulate, honest, grownup men like you. I feel for you because I know what it’s like working at home. I have my hubs and tons of girlfriends to go to. I can imagine how lonely it can get when you don’t have that. A couple of tips: how about going online? And one more thing: don’t drink on dates, dude! 🙂 And really – an 8 who can’t find a date? I hope that changes soon. You seem like such a good man…and clever too! Women love that! Bp (PS: I love having men share their stories with the amazing women in my community. Please reach out to us at hello@[you-know].com so we can connect.)
Michael Eager says:
Bobbie,
As a guy who can occasionally talk too much during a date, I personally appreciate your article and you make very valid points. I would most definitely point most of these guys to loneliness. Even after a few weeks they may still be blathering on if they have years of pent-up loneliness. Thankfully that is not my problem but I still blather if you feed me a few glasses of wine…And then asking me about myself… Of course I am going to go off on a tangent. Especially now in corona 19 land. I myself have worked from home office for 12 years and it’s very difficult to meet anyone to date outside of the regular apps. So then I find myself in a situation where I don’t typically drink, I don’t typically go out on a lot of dates, and all of a sudden I am on a date with alcohol and that’s the perfect cocktail for an explosion of blathering. Loneliness and dry martinis….(my next song title maybe). Anyways, love what you do, please keep it up. Maybe I’d have a girlfriend by now if they had read your article. I’m an 8 that can’t find a date!!
If you ever need stories from male dating experiences I have a plethora of stories after a whopping 8 years in the dating app world. Feel free to reach out.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Worth another try. It’s a good sign when a man is self-award like that. Bp
Sophie says:
Ha, ha…I googled this term because I knew I’d probably come across something helpful. I went on a first date with a guy and he yammered so much, I walked away feeling overwhelmed BUT he sent me a text apologizing and worried he didn’t blow things with me by running his mouth and that he promises to shut up next time if I’ll give him another chance. If he hadn’t sent that text (yay for self-awareness), that would have been the end of it…
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Jennie. Yah, some guys who blabber on and on are just boring and/or jerks. I’m just asking that before we make harsh judgments we practice some compassion and try to figure out if he’s coming from nerves or loneliness…or just self-centered. Your guy sounds like the latter, for sure. Good move. Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
I didn’t insult men in any way. I said they are DIFFERFENT. As Alison Armstrong says: Men are not hairy women.* Not everything is sexist or has to be categorized as us vs. them. This is SCIENCE. Do some research. And my job isn’t to be nice to you. It’s to help you find a good man my motivating and educating you. Sorry, girlfriend, if you y accept that men and women are very different is some ways -not better or worse than each other – then you are the one perpetuating stereotypes that say we as women should expect men to be like us and if they are not they should be dumped.
Learn here: https://www.understandmen.com/
Vera says:
I am surprise at your response to Cynthia. You are asking her to be kind and compassionate while at the same time berating her and insulting all men in general by saying that they don’t have the brain functioning or social skills that women do. God I wish these old-fashioned sexist stereotypes would die, but how can they when even women perpetuate these harmful myths.
Jennie says:
I wish I’d read this before last week’s date with guy I met online. I like calm men, who can listen and talk in turn. I asked one question, and for the next hour he talked about himself nonstop. Every topic under the sun. I hoped my silence would calm him down. I spent the entire time praying for peace. All I could think is that he was either insecure (huge turnoff) or really bad with reading people (Equally bad). When he asked why I didn’t want to go out again, I told him he talks about himself too much and he made me feel on edge. He strongly disagreed with this. He was cute too but I can’t be around a yammering man.
Kelly says:
New strategy: when I go on date #2 with the I yi yi (say it fast) guy, I will casually mention this interesting article I read about why men can’t stop talking, and I’ll share some of the comments that followed. Perhaps this will trigger some sort of heightened self awareness in the man.
Kelly says:
So, after reading this article and all of the comments (every single one!), here’s my strategy: I have date #2 with the I-yi-yi (say it fast) guy Fri night. I’m going to tell him about this article I just happened to come across (leaving out the part about googling “why won’t men shut the hell up?”) about why some men talk way too much on first dates, thus sabotaging any potential with the woman they are yammering on to. I’m going to present it as an interesting point that women had a lot to say about (no pun). I wonder if he will admit that he is guilty of the yakkety yak syndrome.
Donna Weaver says:
I love this article! I literally went out with a new man that did a lot of talking. After considering what you’re suggesting as to the why, you’re 100% right! Thank you!
Bobbi Palmer says:
LOL!!! don’t blame you! However, even tho it’s phone he should be able to control himself after a couple calls with you. Be compassionate but also Pay attention to that kind of thing. I hope he can bring himself to calm down and listen! Bp
Sarah says:
Great viewpoint. I’ve just started talking to a guy (cany meet due to lockdown) and he talks for Engjand but seems to realise it as he said that he knows its easier for men to talk on the phone but he wants to learn more about me when we meet?
He lost his partner 4 years ago and I think he is just excited he has found someone he feels he can talk to. Might slap him though if he does it when we meet ..
Bobbi Palmer says:
Girlfriend, if it’s something that’s persistent and it bugs you…maybe he’s not The One. But have you told him???? Have you talked to him honestly about how it’s affecting you? If not, it’s time. Go for it. Before you just can’t take it and start those eyes a-rolling. Bp
Mellow says:
I’m curious how you handle dating a guy long term, whom talks too much. I thought it was his nerves or he was trying to impress me, we are beyond that. I just sit there while he tells such long detailed accounts of every minute of his life. I need help with this one. Sometimes my patience is so low that I am afraid I’m going to roll my eyes unintentionally.
Shae Hepburn says:
I don’t think Cynthia was brutal, in fact she spoke sense. Why must women be the ones to make excuses for unacceptable behaviour in men? Why is it wrong to accept that men should be responsible for their own responses and behaviours? Women get lonely and nervous too, but we don’t rattle on like some men do.A man that “peacocks” and talks endlessly about himself just wants an appreciative audience. If a man is interested in a woman he will very early on show that even if he is nervous.Women in general need to set the barr higher when it comes to men’s behaviour.When we start making excuses for men’s behaviour then we are teaching them how we think we deserve to be treated. Compassion has it’s place, ABSOLUTELY but compassion and excusing bad behaviour in the guise of being understanding and compassionate are two very different things.
Susie says:
What a lovely and refreshing point of view! Yes there are plenty of guys out who are in love with themselves, but there are many who are just lonely, or nervous, or just talkative! Thank you for this viewpoint – I am about to have my first date with someone who is a “phone talker, ” and I now see that I don’t have to be so judgmental!
Bobbi Palmer says:
Amber I’m guessing this may be more sarcasm than anything but here’s a serious response: maybe it’s easier for YOU to do things that way, but we are all different. We have different brain processing, different life experience, and different needs. It will serve you to try to understand where individual people are coming from…be more compassionate. And hey, if they are bugging you give them a chance to chill (like I explain in the article). Or don’t. But you may be missing out on some good guys and even good friends. Bp
Amber says:
I’ve read a lot of the comments, even with guys who regrettably talk too much and wish they didn’t. What I don’t get is this: It takes far more brain power, energy, muscles, stamina, etc. to form sentences and talk than it does to sit with lips zipped, nodding your head. How is it DIFFICULT for guys to stop talking so much? I don’t understand how a person can’t just close their lips together and stop forming words, especially when they know it’s bothering a woman to jabber away. Could someone please explain this phenomenon to me? Sitting still and quietly = no energy, just sitting energy. Talking and talking and talking = Jaw movement, vocal chords, brainpower. PLEASE someone explain to my how it’s hard for people, both men and women alike, to stop talking too much.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Compassion is good, Tanya. You also want to take care of yourself so there’s an appropriate time to interrupt if you need to. It shouldn’t always be “his show!” 🙂 Bp
Tanya Williams says:
This is just what I needed to read. Dating a guy who talks the whole time we are out and it’s mostly about martial arts and a his life. We went to high school together and recently reunited so we chat about old days too.
I think your article is correct, I’m going to try to have more compassion because he probably doesn’t get the chance to talk about marti arts and “training” which is exercise he does at home, I can’t judge because not even disciplined enough to do ten minutes of exercise at home.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Being professional has very little to do with how you interact with potential romantic partners. Granted, some men are just self-centered and/or flat-out boors. But many are just…men! They are very different than us, including how their brains work when it comes to communication and processing information. My husband was great at asking questions when we met but only because he used those skills in his profession for decades. Just sayin’. Bp
Holly says:
Agree . I am a talker but my biggest turnoff is a conversation monopolizer . I just spent 27 minutes on the phone with someone I haven’t met. He asked me two questions and talked the entire time about himself. I am sorry , but I would rather scrub bathrooms than listen to his monologues again.
We are 60 and professionals . He ought to know better…
Audrea says:
Try these:
1) “Has that ever happened to you?”
2) “Wow. You’re such a good listener…I feel like I’ve been monopolizing the conversation. Tell me about your (work, hobbies, kids…)
3) “What do YOU think?”
Audrea says:
This has happened to me on so many occasions I can’t even count. Usually on first dates. I at first chalked it up to the men just not being interested — it happens — so imagine my surprise (chagrin) when they ask me out again, which has also happened more than once. My son and son-in-law have urged me to go on those second dates, but more often than not, it’s monologue city AGAIN, even when I insert segues like, “Really? A similar thing happened to me…” I more often than not get a blank stare, a “So, anyway,” and we return to his story. Today, I even said, “So, any interest in what happened to me this week?” Blank stare. Major turnoff. Engaging in an actual conversation shouldn’t be that tough for a man over about, oh, 12. So if you meet a man who’s listening and actually engaging in conversation, grab and don’t let go. They’re rarer than you think!
Liz says:
Usually I never leave comments on stuff – especially negative ones… But wow this post was so much stereotyping. “Women talk more than men?” Multiple studies have proven this to be false. I couldn’t believe the author discussed this baseless conjecture for multiple paragraphs. I kept reading anyway, and then next the author asks when the last time I saw two straight guys just talking or having dinner. I literally see this all the time just casually in my day to day life, and I’d see this happen regularly when I work food service. I believe that there are some differences between men and women to be cognizant of but a desire to socialize is such a fundamental human trait and it’s why our species builds cities instead of smashing rocks together for fun.
Once again I am sorry to be so negative but the fact that the central thread to most of this article is not based in reality is silly. We don’t need to tell women they’re talking too much, especially when they’re making an observation that their date was a bit chatty. I think we agree that a chatty man deserves a second chance, but I can’t say I followed your thread of logic the whole way through.
Neph says:
Yeah, I was talking to a guy on the phone for the first time. He kept talking and talking….I couldn’t get a word in. I was waiting for him to take a deep breath. He was talking about all the things he liked…never asked me…
stereo-man says:
i completely forgot about this site. i apologize. Thank you for your advice. i shall take that into practice. I’m still not good at reducing my talkative nature but i’m reminded of it more consciously now.
thank you once again.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hmmm indeed. Sounds like he isn’t interested in much that isn’t about him. And his comment about you not being nice makes me want to smack him. So patronizing. We know it’s not our job to always be nice. But you’re right; we can chalk it up to his age.
Doesn’t matter though. I assume you won’t be spending any time with him going forward? Bp
Molly says:
You know Heather….I was suspicious when the guy I was saying said really complimentary things…it just sounded like that was all he had to give….charm ….
Molly says:
I am 72, single after being married for 17 years, three kids, dated quite a bit. Met this guy who seemed very nice, we have gone out for about two months…. but he was one of those people would talks for two hours without asking anything about me. I know his career, his relationships, where he is from, his family and where he has lived. the other night I asked him if he knows where I grew up, what degree I have, where I went to college, my occupations…..he shook his head. We parted as friends, a wrote a long email explaining the realities of women not being taken seriously. He said he scanned it….ok….so I told him “the conversation” is symbolic of the relationship between a man and a woman…..he became defensive….I was not being “nice”. So then I started talking about something that interested me and he radically changed the subject. Ok…over. I thought it was because he is 75…..hmmmmm
Bobbi Palmer says:
Thanks Charlie. Appreciate your perspective. Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Oh my gosh! You’ve put up with this for 6 dates? Don’t read my advice here as black-or-white. I’m trying to say that we can give guys a break. Be a little compassionate. That doesn’t mean put up with any misbehavior or stick around if he bores you or pisses you off. You gave him a chance. Now it’s time to move on, Cindy. Bp
Cindy says:
What if the guy constantly keeps talking about one story and goes off on tangent after tangent after tangent and you have to interrupt him to get a word in edge wise? This is continued after I hinted around that people that talk a lot drain me. And he admitted he talks a lot. At date #6, I’m feeling I should cut him loose. As I’m tuning him out and getting frustrated as the hours go by listening!
Charlie says:
Sorry, but I have to respectfully disagree with this. Just because you don’t get much opportunity to talk about your friends mean you should be monopolising an entire conversation on a date. First, it’s rude. Secondly, why would you want to go on a second date with someone who shows no interest in them? It doesn’t project a very good self image, people, be it men or women, who speak too much on the first dates should really re-consider this type of behaviour. I’ve been on a couple of dates with men who monopolized the conversations, some of them I’ve decided to give them another shot on the ground that they might have been nervous or something along those lines, but every time my first intuition turned to be right they were self-absorbed people, and often immature and insecure. Relationship is a two way-street, if you can’t do the most basic thing as showing genuine interest in getting to know the other person, how can I trust you to care for me later in a relationship and consider my own needs, when needed? Plus, it’s honestly incredibly, mentally draining to listen to a person talk and talk for a couple of hours straight about themselves, why should we waste our time with someone who drains us, when there are other guys out there who would very much willing to make an effort to know us? If someone has such a need to talk that they are willing to tell the story of their lives to a stranger, and on a date, what they need is not a date or a s/o, but more likely therapy. I don’t see why it should be up to women here to show more empathy and not those men and their overwhelming need to talk, which is the source of the problem?
This is a pretty sexist way to look at dating and a gross gender generalization to say this happens because men talk less than women etc, and assuming grown up men are big babies in need of the care of a gentle, subversient woman to learn empathy. There are also a lot of women who display this kind of self-absorbed behaviour. Poor social skills is a problem that affects everyone, not a gendered one.
Bobbi Palmer says:
He doesn’t sound anything like a man I’d want to spend time with. Nope.
Bobbi Palmer says:
You’re right: a guy talking for two hours and not asking a single question isn’t a man I’d want you to see again. But wow, you sound brutal, Cynthia. My perspective is this: Men can be lonely and can be nervous and act stupidly; sometimes good people do that. Men don’t have the brain functioning or social skills like women do. Oh, and kindness and compassion are never, ever wrong. Try it. Bp
Cynthia says:
First, it is a myth that women talk more than men. Men and women use roughly the same number of words in a given day: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/women-talk-more-than-men/
Second, if a man reaches his 40’s and beyond without learning basic conversational skills, he’s either socially retarded or a narcissist. Women can do better than to date either. You’re doing us a disservice by asking us to accept unacceptable behavior. A decent human being does not sit across from another person and blather about themselves for two hours straight without asking a single question of his date. Such a person isn’t going to turn into an empathic, interested partner if given another chance.
Women, you can do better than to accept this type of crap.
Aj says:
I’m over 40 (just) and been single most of my life (widowed at 23). I can never find the right partner seem to always get the cheaters and abusers so got comfortable in my own space.
I decided to try the online dating scene and met a sweet guy but on the second date he irritated me so much. He is always chatting never shuts up and knows everything. Looks like he has done every career from paramedic to sales so has an opinion on everything.
Then while we were out (in a group around brunch table) I caught him staring at me.. (creepy stare) it freaked me out. I’m very outspoken (perhaps a little bitchy) so I told him to stop it!
He likes giving hugs… But EVERY SINGLE TIME he hugs me he says “oh this feels so good” I mean every time!!
So… Is it just me who is full of it? Am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life?
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Bonnie. He may feel embarrassed or judged. But you have nothing to lose by contacting him. Be honest with him. Worst case he doesn’t respond. Nothing lost. Bp
Bonnie says:
Hi,
thank you for the article and all the other advice! I am relatively new to dating (I am 55 and divorced after a very long marriage). The world has changed since I was in my 20`s 🙂 Finding your page is a great relief for me …
Here is my question: I just met that guy. At first I thought he is a fine material, had all the qualities I would like. The only thing was that on the phone he was a bit chatty … but was willing to stop, whenever I said that I would like to add something to his monologue. But then our date came … He sounded super excited, really glad he was going to meet me. When we met, it was a nice conversation at first – we exchanged thougts and views, talked about books and movies etc. – everything was OK up untill I became more enthusiastic – then he almost exploded, started babbling and chatting for 2 hours non stop … I got bored, I didn`t understand what happened … so I just sat there quietly and waited till I could say – shall we leave? I told him then that I got tired because of his chatting (I really felt drained). I only later found out that there are guys like this … Now he doesn`t call or text me … Is it over? Anyway, I cannot give him a second chance – even if I would like to. I am reluctant to contact him. I think if he wanted to see me again, he would text me himself. Am I right?
Grace Asher says:
Thank you for taking the time to respond!! You made me feel better and I’m not going to give up because once that compatible personality and something important in common comes along, I can get that feeling. This guy just wasn’t it. Wow and when I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore it was as if we were in high school again. He became angry and wrote things eluding to me on FAcebook, I was told, I don’t have Facebook. Imagine being a 50 year old man who behave like that. I appreciate you for reminding me that I can still find real love 🙂
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Jill. Hell no I’m not saying put up with it. I just want you to give a guy a chance. I think you did. If there’s anything you see about him that’s attractive then you can be honest with him and tell him you’d like to be able to help him get to know you. But if there’s nothing you see warranting that additional try, let it go. Next! Hugs. Bp
Jill says:
I just had a second date with someone who talks a lot becuase I wanted to see if it was just nerves. And also I Could do better myself by interjecting and expressing more. He still talked soo much. Only asked me a few questions(just about my education, not much else) and definitely didn’t give me the room to get into my answers like I did him. He’d respond and talk about himself again. He does like me, that’s apparent, but I do like it when someone wants to get to know who I am. I know all about his family, he knows nothing about mine. And I suppose I just got too tired on this date to muster random things about myself just to talk. He’s a good guy, so are you saying put up with this because down the line he won’t always be talking? I really do like it when a date asks me questions and I feel like I have time to answer.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Ugh, that sounds awful. Not sure of your question but I would move on! And about your comment, I’m going to probably have to give up on feeling extremely attracted to whoever I marry: it’s true that if you’re looking for a 45-year-old man who is over 6 foot with an 8-pack and a full head of hair you may be disappointed. But if you have realistic expectations of a grownup man, you will most definitely have a man who turns you on! Go for it. Bp
Heather says:
I had that date tonight. He did that on the phone several times and I chalked it up to nerves and hoped the date wouldn’t be like that. I was wrong. I tried the seque thing but he always has a story having to do with him to tell. We sat in the restaurant for three hours. A guy at the next table even gave me the “lm sorry” look. Everything I said he found a way to turn it into a story about his health. From neck to arm to arthritis to seizures. I don’t know what to do. I’m over 40 and I know I’m going to probably have to give up on feeling extremely attracted to whoever I marry. He gushed and gushed about me saying things like,”all the guys were jealous because of me” etc, flattering things I’d say,nahhhh. Thank you” to. So I kinda wonder if he wants arm candy with ears and that it’s not really me he’s interested in. At the door he said he couldn’t wait to see me again and he really wants to get to know me better. I have one question…we’ve talked for hours and been on a date and you know nothing yet because you don’t ask and I also can’t get a word in edgewise. Should I throw the baby out with the bathwater here?
Bobbi Palmer says:
Smart Mom ya got Sharon. I acknowledge your opinion which is based on your singular experience. That includes, btw, the idea that there is no way for you to know what you’ve missed by thinking you can judge another human being by spending only moments with him. In my experience, which is based on my personal life and that of hundreds of other women, I see the majority of women falling in love and marrying men with whom they felt no strong feelings on the first date.
I hope you find what you’re looking for, Sharon. I just have to say that kindness goes a very long way. Bp
Sharon Rollings says:
Thank you for your advice, but it reminds me of the worst advice my mother ever gave me. And that was to always give a guy a second chance. My intuitions have always been right on the first date and if that date didn’t go well a second date indubitably turned out to be worse. I had hoped you would give a somewhat more helpful answer, such as what to say to this kind of guy who talks about himself constantly. I once said to a man like this:
What is there you want to know about me, and I got one question out of him, but that was all. Is there nothing else one can say that might work, such as you really are talkative guy, aren’t you?
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi. Maybe he is, but maybe he’s just a chatterbox. Here is an article that will answer a lot of your questions about narcissists. And btw, being attracted isn’t a grownup criterion by which to judge. But you know that, right? Hope this helps. Bp
Shara says:
Hi Bobbi, I really appreciate the information you are sharing. I have found it extremely helpful – wise and compassionate.
So I have a history of attracting narcissists (although have also dated a few very good men). But I recently had an experience with a man that has confused me. I’ve only been in-person with him once (he left for a trip the day after we met), but during this initial date he talked for almost an hour before asking me a question, and it was difficult to interject my thoughts. At the end of the date he redeemed himself by asking me some questions but since then we have talked on the phone several times and I always have to interrupt him to get a word in edgewise. We text a lot (since he is out of town), and I feel like he is responsive over texts – like I am being heard. But everytime we get on the phone he starts this monologe the can last up to 40 minutes! The only reason I haven’t given up completely is that he seems to be a good guy, and is crazy about me. He’s super intelligent, funny, and luckily a good story teller. And has been reliable about keeping in touch with me. But I’m wondering if this sounds like a narcissist to you? He did say to me that I was a “great audience,” and told me he reads a lot because he likes to be “the man” who knows everything. I’m having a hard time letting go because I’m super attracted to him. But that isn’t necessarily a good sign since I am attracted to narcissists! Is there any way for me to know he is a narcissist, versus a guy who just talks to much? Every time I have brought up the issue and ask him to ask me questions and leave “space” for me to talk he says “we will work it out once we see each other”? Help!
Bobbi Palmer says:
Oh this isn’t just a case of talking a lot. No good, grownup man talks about who is into him. Ugh! I suppose it was kind to listen, but beware of guys like this. I assume you’re not seeing him again, right, Isable? Bp
Isabel says:
Thank you for this. Most the other articles say he’s a narcissist or other negative things. I think this is probably closer to the truth in most cases (we can all be a bit narcissistic at times anyway) & compassionate. My issue is that he talked a lot, hasn’t asked me any Qs, and didn’t text to see if I got home ok even after bragging about how protective he is etc. He also bragged a lot about how many women (& men) are into him, he is very good looking , & revealed a LOT of very personal, heavy info. All together it’s a turn off but I do believe he’s a hurting soul so I feel good that I listened kindly & hope it brought him some joy.
Juliet says:
Excellent article. Will try put it into practice
Tina says:
This article is right on! I thought maybe it was just me because yes, on dates men talk about themselves because I must make the environment “safe” for them. I do this in my work all day long (I’m an acupuncturist which is kinda like a therapist) so I’m completely comfortable “going deep” right from the start. I kept thinking it was me…but Bobbi Blum Palmer if you say it happens to most women, then I will relax and stop trying to “fix” myself and just listen to him. I would however, like some details about how to steer the conversation to something more neutral and at the same time figure out if he “overshared” in a pathological way (lack of a better word) or not…what is your opinion on this Bobbi Blum Palmer?
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Stero-man. Sounds like you can really benefit from finding a happy medium between that aloof guy and Mr. Talks Too Much. Here are a few ideas for you:
1. Before you go on a date, decide on 3 things you want to know about HER. Then, commit to yourself that you will find out. In order to do that, you’re going to have to let her talk, right?
2. Put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it when you find yourself talking too much. (I’m sure you become aware of it.)
3. When you realize you’re doing it, don’t be afraid to stop mid-sentence, Take a breath, smile and straight-up admit your over-talking habit. Be real. It could be very endearing.
Lastly, you probably got your other girlfriends because you’re a really good man. Don’t forget that.
Let me know how it goes! From one over-talker to another…Bp
Stereo-man says:
Hi Bobbi,
I am a guy and i stumbled upon your site and i really do talk a lot, people have told me that lately, they said that’s what makes me, me. However, i wish i was like my dad where i can just shut up. i hate talking too damn much.
But i realized that i hate silence but it’s when i over analyze a situation. Otherwise, i don’t really talk too much.
I’ve gotten this comment of talking too much so many times, that i realized that it has become an issue.
While the girls i do go out with, are too nice to say anything of the sort, i notice facial expressions and i just go “damn it”, however, i do take time to listen to them as well and like the last girl, she appreciated it but i still feel that i talk too much.
I always got things on my mind.
I feel like if dating is fine dining, then I’ve given the main course too damn early all the time.
It’s unfortunate, i use to be quiet and i didn’t share much on dates before, i was aloof because i don’t like sharing too much with anyone but somehow that changed over the years…
What are the best practice on first dates? i realize i suck at this, ironically i don’t know how i get my girlfriends before hahah.
i need tips and some ideas how to stop this.
Emma says:
Oh my goodness could not agree more! Stereotypes are bad for both genders.
But there is a limit to both parties on a date- it can’t be lobesided in sharing otherwise it ends up being s one way street. So it’s important to have an interest in the other and ask questions but also not dominate with on and on answers that don’t give the other a chance to also answer some questions.
So Bobby- here is my problem. I can listen for hours to a guy and still see some diamond in him. But I have this pervasive problem of not finding “my equal” in intelligence, social status, or energy levels or curiousity about life or stability in life stage. I’m 34, well educated and simply am flustered from going on many first dates that have let me down. What am I doing wrong? I don’t go to bars or clubs and I have no idea where to find a quality guy. I’ve spent most of my life pursuing education hence I’m not as outgoing as I could be if I honed in on those skills in college. But as an extravert, I’m still just baffled how I haven’t been able to find a man my equal. Perhaps this is do another thread but I need help.
The #1 Would-Be Relationship Killer for Daters over 40 - Bobbi Palmer, Date Like a Grownup says:
[…] laundry, one or both of you may realize that you learned something that turns you off. He may be embarrassed about sharing too much and be nervous about trying to see you again. Or you may start to associate that person with the […]
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Dave. I’m really glad to hear from you. We LOVE when men share here.
No, you can’t give up, but you can work on your talkative-ness. Here are a couple tips:
even mid-sentence)
. Then look her in the eye and tell her that you have this bad habit and you’re trying to break it. Just put it out there. If she’s a good woman she will appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. Then ask her a question about herself. You can even give her permission to interrupt you.
And, Dave, about your past: you’re right that it’s nothing you need to share. We all have things in our past that were difficult, dumb even shameful. But it all led up to who we are now. You’re obviously a very nice man and since you’re here, I’m assuming you are actively trying to learn how to be a good partner for a wonderful woman. Keep at it and stay self-aware. You’re doing great! Bp
Dave says:
I’m that talkative guy. I’m 35 and I know I talk way too much, maybe even giving away to much info about myself. I so hide the truth. I was a late bloomer, depressed for much of my 20’s and when I finally started dating, I didn’t know what to do. All my friends are married with kids so I’m doing this alone. I know I can’t share my reasons until I’m in a relationship, but because I have to hide that part of my life, I talk too much about everything else. Anyway, I make it through the first date always thinking it went great, but I never get the second date. The funny thing is, everything a girl says that can be damaging to their image on the date dissent phase me. As long there are some common interests, I don’t care about their flaws. My one flaw is talking too much and I’m completely screwed, no second date, chance or anything. I know I can’t give up, but being talkative shouldn’t be a deal breaker
Bren says:
You should have charged him big time for being his shrink….and letting it all out…..lol…whew …..some of these guys. I’d gave left after 1/2 an hour. Why did you allow Yourself to sit for 2 hours.?
Bobbi Palmer says:
Good move Mona. Ugh…he sounds like a ogre. Next! Bp
Mona says:
But what about the guys who claim, years after they’ve gotten to know you, that you talk too much? (I already know the answer to this one… I just dumped his sorry as*) The guy in question had to be right all the time (especially when he wasn’t), had anger management issues, and seemed to gravitate to women who were in what he perceived to be weaker positions than his own. And most of what he had to say did not improve over time – it just became gratingly the same…
Bobbi Palmer says:
Your English is great! WOW! What a horrid date! So sorry. He probably was thrilled to have someone to listen and it’s good to understand that, right? But it sure doesn’t mean you have to go out with a man like that again. He went wayyyy over and above what you could kindly accept from a lonely man. Ugh! Thanks for sharing your story. Love it! Bp
MissBerlin says:
Thanks! That articel helped me a lot figuring out my last, horrible date!
Last week I met this tatoo artist/graphic designer for coffee for the first time. As soon as we sat down he simply “exploded” and would not stop talking about his innermost feelings. I was so overwhelmed, but thankfully he was to busy elaborating on his emotional journey from boyhood to manhood that he had been on for the last years to notice my reluctance.
It was like I got hit by a bus, full frontal, I could not squeeze in one single word.
Sometimes I would try to throw in some “I know how you feel, one time I…” but he would just look at me distracted and confused and then pick of where he left – keeping talking about his feelings.
After 2 hours of straight talking he was done and rushed out the door. I hadn’t even paid for my coffee yet, he was already gone –
Now I like a guy who is able to talk about his feelings, I think that’s a sign of maturity. But throwing it all at a random girl they just met and not be willing to listen in return… I can’t shake the feeling these guys are looking for a mother, not a partner…
Anyway thanks for the article, I understand a little better what that was all about. Sorry for my bad english!
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Luis! Thank you so much for sharing your dating experience and for asking your question. I can relate to the “how do I talk less” question, and many women can. Here’s the thing: Women LOVE intelligent men. I’m going to tell you the same thing I tell women: Your dates aren’t intimidated, they are bored. (Hey, they don’t call me the “Compassionate Truthteller” for nothing!”) People want to have FUN on a date. They want to laugh a little. They want to get a sense of your personality. Trying to connect intellectually right from the start is an almost surefire date killer.
Part of the answer is self control; the other part is learning some new skills. A lot of women have the same challenge. Here is an article about the value of small talk. It’s for woman, of course, but you may relate to some of it. And here’s a tip that I give my private coaching clients: When you catch yourself talking too much just STOP mid-sentence if you have to. And then smile and say something like: “Oh no! There I go again” and switch up the conversation so she can share. When someone does something like this it can be very endearing. It’s honest and open.
I hope you try to do this because, like I said, women LOVE smart men. Every woman I’ve ever talked to does. But there has to be connection that’s intellectual AND emotional. Try this article too: https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/2012/10/two-things-to-attract-smart-men/ I hope this helps. Thanks again for commenting here, Luis. We love to hear from men. Helps us better understand YOU! Bp
Luis says:
Thank for this article! I wish my last date would of taken some pointers from you. Anyway, I have been criticized to be “a know it all.” I like to ask the why questions and often say too much in general. I feel this is hurting my dating. To be honest, sometimes I just feel women are intimidated by an educated/intelligent man. What would be the best way for me to not say too much? Also, as a Man I ask most of the questions because I believe it’s my duty to lead. However, it can be burdensome. How would recommend opening her up?
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Lily, Good question!
Here is my tip for ‘sorting’: Give him time to talk but not too much. When you need to, interrupt him. Most guys will get the hint and switch up the conversation; some won’t. Also, what else do you observe? Is he doing things to make you happy and be sure you’re comfortable and enjoying yourself? Is he really chatty but maybe went out of his way to meet you or to choose a place you like? Look at the whole picture and give him a chance to be his best. If there’s a possibility he was just nervous, give him a second date. But if he’s till yapping…be done with him.
Jake says:
As a modern man, adrift in a sea of barely concealed contempt for all things masculine, I have to say I was pleasantly surprised by your perspicacity.
I have thought about this topic myself and it’s true- while most of the time a man genuinely has no desire to share too much, in some ways it is a hassle to have speak too much, for one thing we have to worry about how we say things let alone what we say.
When i have gone on dates with a woman i am attracted to, it feels good to open myself up, because i feel like she likes who I am, and wants to know more.
It is aggravating when I am presented with a woman who yaps all the time about her own mundane life being put off by having to listen to someone else for a change.
Another thing I have noticed, if I am in a relationship and my attraction in them wanes, i feel less inclined to share my feeling. i think thats maybe an unconscious shutting down of all systems before a breakup, who knows…..
Lily says:
My experience with this has twice now, been with Narcissistic men. The self focus was a red flag I missed at the beginning.
Now I am emailing with a guy online (we have a meeting set for this Fri) and have talked on the phone with him once. He is so interesting and seems very kind AND it’s mostly all about him. I don’t know how to tell the difference between what you are pointing out, and my tiring history. Any tips for sorting?
bobbi says:
Way to go Kathleen! Still look for balance…just try to help him out a bit. If he doesn’t get the “pass the conversation ball” attempt after a second try then…next! Compassion is a key to finding a really great guy. Have fun! Let me know how the next one goes. Love your comments!
Kathleen says:
this article helped so much after the fact. I went on my first date with a guy who spent three hours talking while we sat outside of Starbucks. I felt that he missed talking to a smart woman as myself. I did squeeze a few comments in with sentences every now and then. Though I found his topics to be all over the place.
I couldn’t wait to leave, because I had a headache from it.
Now, I know how I must sound, so here on in, I’m listening and talking less.
Andi says:
Wow..thank you for this article!! I found a chatty fella!! Well his dad is in the last stages of cancer and his mom, sister and nephew live with him. Sister just lost her hubby 6 months ago. He has a lot to talk about, not to mention four tours of duty in the Army for 22 years. I understand a lot of pre-mourning due to his dad’s cancer…this chatty fella and I are becoming friends first.
My ex husband was just a chatty narcissist….big difference!! 2.5 years away from ex!! But this new fella and I are becoming friends..first.. and you pointed out the “chat factor” to a tee…
Thanks for the article!! This one might work out after 4 dates! 😉
Bobbi Palmer says:
Thanks for your feedback! As a note: Being kind is always my starting point…yet I’m seldom called “concise.” What a treat.
tmunson says:
A very thoughtful, kind article. On point, precise, concise.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Jack. Thank you so much for reading and leaving your comment. The more we hear from you “guys” the better! many women do like when a man is expressive and open…but not 100% of the time. I have a tip for you: Before you go on a date, think of a few questions you can ask her. Then, stay conscious of whether you’re “passing the conversation ball” and, when you notice you’re not, just stop and ask one of your questions. Not only will she feel you care about her, it’s better for you because you’ll learn more about her. Have fun out there!
Jack says:
This is so very true, I am a man that is guilty of talking too much.. and for the exact reasons described in this article. Give us a break.. a talkative man is an open man, what just wants to share. Men should be liberated from stereotypes, just as woman have.