I received an email yesterday that I want to share. I hear some form of this a lot: “I’m [not perfect because of fill-in-the-blank] and I’m worried no man will ever want me!” I get it but I can’t tell you how much this breaks my heart.
I lived in the “no man wants a fat girl” reality for a long freaking time. But it’s a lie I told myself so I could blame men for the lack of love in my life. I know the truth now: the vast majority of the men I met didn’t pick me because of my “Wall of I Dare You” and my insecurities; not because of my fat thighs.
I hope this letter and the articles I refer to help you realize two things:
1. Men are not as superficial as you may think.
2. You are a wonderful woman who, if she can give love, will most certainly receive it.
Dear Bobbi,
I appreciate your Friday Quickies and emails very much. I am 42, divorced after a 10 year relationship and very much craving love and a special person to love me. However, I am not exactly the powerful and financially successful woman you mention in all your emails. I went to college but I struggle financially………….what about women like me? Are there men out there for the not so successful women like me ?
Best regards,
M
Dearest M,
I’m so glad you wrote. I have an answer: Heck YES there are men for you! Not only that but you deserve a fabulous man as much as the most financially successful woman. You are special, and there are lots of men who will see it…that is if you do.
Your power isn’t in your career. It’s about knowing what you want and going after it. It’s in who you are and who you want to be. It’s in your kindness and your compassion. That’s what men are looking for in a woman. Now honestly, do men want to support you? Nope…most don’t. And if you can’t support yourself it may be a challenge. But your financial situation is far down the list of what most men will “judge” you on. If YOU are okay with it; they will be. But If you’re not; they won’t be.
This is how we get in our own way and conveniently blame it on the guys. We believe that men won’t want us because of this and that. I’m too tall, too fat, too successful, too broke, too shy…blah blah blah. I hope you agree that when you believe something, it shows up in your actions and attitudes. We think we cover it up…but we don’t. If you want to turn a guy off, show up assuming he won’t like you.
Good Men have radar for our insecurities. Jerks prey on them. Either way it’s a losing proposition.
One more thing: If you look at my writing I hope you don’t hear me talk about success or accomplishments in relation to having money. If you have that impression from me then I’m mortified! I definitely need to work on my communication. I will definitely take a look at that and be more clear on what I mean.
A couple other articles for you to read:
https://datelikeagrownup.com/2011/05/two-lessons-single-women-over-40-can-learn-from-oprah/
https://datelikeagrownup.com/2011/06/imperfection-does-not-equal-rejection/
You are a real woman with real challenges in life. 99% of the population — especially those of us over 40 — have something going on; especially nowadays. The challenge isn’t whether men will like you, M. It may be whether you can like yourself. Something, btw, that is a big (and sometimes challenging) part of dating like a grownup.
From where I sit, when you measure on the real stuff, you are a magnificent, lovable woman.
I love ya!
Bp
Hi Bobbi – Just chiming in… I personally don’t recall you ever specifically mentioning “powerful and financially successful” women, and certainly not as a requirment or pre-requisite to date and ultimately find love. The emailer you mentioned may be equating “confidence” to “power” and “success” to “money”.
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Confidence, which you stress in your methods, has little to do with outward influence and control and has more to do with knowing yourself and being able to present that knowledge in the right way to the right people at the right time. Let’s assume you walk into a crowded room and prompty slip and fall. How you handle yourself in that situation will speak volumes about your confidence.
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Success has little to do with how much money you have or make, and more to do with your pride in your own personal achivements. If you set worthy goals, whatever they may be, and achieve them, then you are successful in your achievements. Interestingly, success plays into your self confidence.