If you’re a smart, accomplished woman who thinks men don’t want to date you because of it, think again. While it’s true that some men prefer less “challenging” women, the guy you’re looking for – the interesting, mature accomplished man – has “smart” toward the top of his list of must-haves.
Women like you really turn these guys on, but the key word here is women. Before he wants smart, he wants female. If he just wanted smart he’d hang out with the guys at work.
It’s not unusual for men over 40 to say that smart, successful women tend to compete on dates, when all they want to do is relax and have a nice time. And once they feel you’re “one of those” it’s over for you. I know you’re not going into dates with an intention to compete, but there may be small things you’re doing that give that impression.
If you want to attract smart, successful men here are two simple things you can start doing today. (This will also benefit you everywhere else in your life, btw.)
1. Let him have his moment.
You are on your first date with a new guy. He takes you to a nice restaurant and you have the best table in the house. He tells you that he hosts large business meetings here so they take very good care of him. You smile, say “that’s nice” and proceed to tell him that you do the same thing with another restaurant in town, in fact last week you hosted a dinner with 20 of your top clients and it was a great success.
Maybe you were just sharing and showing him that you have things in common. Or maybe you thought he was bragging and you wanted to be sure he knew that you’re no slouch when it comes to being “connected” and appreciating the finer things.
Doesn’t matter, because there’s a good chance you’ll never hear from him again.
You see, his “bragging” was likely his attempt at impressing you. That’s what men do when they like you: they try to please and impress you. That’s one of the best things about dating grownup men – they try…if you let them.
As woman in her 40s, 50s and beyond, it gets harder and harder for men to “wow” you. Let’s face it: you’ve seen and done a lot, and anything he offers you can probably do for yourself. The problem is that the men you want are the ones who want to impress you. If you don’t let him, he is not likely to call for another date and he definitely won’t pick you as a partner.
Here’s exactly how to do it: It’s all in the delivery, girlfriend. You can share your story…just not yet. Simply receive his information and acknowledge it before you fire back. Take a breath, smile, and give him his due appreciation. Tell him how cool that he has this connection, especially since it set you up to enjoy this lovely restaurant with him. In other words, acknowledge you’re impressed and thank him for what he’s done for you.
Then, if you feel it’s still significant, tell him about your connections and your clients later. He’s already happy to know you’re a woman who he can please and impress. Now it will be his turn to be impressed. Bingo!
2. Give him the enchanting stuff first.
As the conversation continues, he asks you about your business. What do you do? You tell him you run/work for a company that helps large businesses with all their financial needs. Maybe you list some: their investments, payroll, taxes…blah, blah, blah.
The conversation then takes one of two paths: talk about his career or further talk about the financial needs of businesses. Oh…hot conversation indeed!
Smart men want to hear about your successful career and want to know that you can keep up, even surpass them, intellectually. But men deal with the alpha-side of women all day long. At home, they want a lover, not a colleague.
If this man is going to drive home anxious to see you again, you don’t just want to stimulate his mind; you want to stimulate his spirit. (And, yah, I know what you’re thinking…he’s looking for stimulation there too.)
If you doubt this, it might help you to know that in study after study men site “passion, compassion or caring” among the primary reasons they were attracted to their wife or partner. This is the feminine energy they crave.
Here’s exactly how to do it: Focus your answer differently. Instead of listing your degrees, accomplishments and daily tasks, focus on why you chose your career and what you get out of it.
Tell him you run/work for a company that helps large businesses with all their financial needs then add “and I enjoy it because ________.” The answers to “because” almost always come from your feminine. It’s likely you chose your career because you help people, get to be creative and/or enjoy your relationships with clients or co-workers.
Yah, you also like the challenge, professional recognition, etc. and that’s part of the conversation. But can you see how talking about the “whys and becauses” helps him see this side of you and also leads to deeper communication? It shifts the conversation from accomplishments and tactics (the workplace) to one of feelings and values (the relationship place).
Now, I’m not saying you must shut up, smile sweetly and tell him how great he is. The guys you want don’t want that either – thankfully. Share your accomplishments and the things you are proud of in your life, but do it in a way that lets him have his moments and see the whole You. Let him be your hero, even for just a little while.
All I have to do is look at my husband and the partners of countless women who are friends and clients, and I know for a fact that grownup men want smart, accomplished women as partners, lovers and wives. They just want the softer and supportive side of you in equal measure.
When you think about it, it costs you nothing to make these simple shifts in communication, and the payoff can be huge: the love and respect of a fabulous man. Try it on your next date, or even with the men in your office, and let me know how it goes!