Want to know the number one trick to meeting men online and getting dates? Learn how to write a killer email.
Before I met my spectacular husband on Match.com, I was online on and off for many…oh so many years. I remember how it felt when I sent an endless number of emails that seemed to go into Internet rejection hell.
The truth is, there is a lot of competition out there—especially if you’re a woman dating over 40. Move into your 50s and 60s, and the competition gets downright fierce.
Having a fantastic profile is a must, but coupling that with the art of writing emails sets you up to be a surefire winner in the game of I-love.
The vast majority of emails sent by women go something like this:
Subject line: I like your profile
Hi, Bob. I like your profile, and it looks like we have a lot in common. I also love to travel and read mystery novels. Check out my profile, and if you’re interested, get in touch.
If Susie’s email is landing in the inbox of a relatively handsome, kind and interesting 50- or 60-something man, chances are Susie isn’t getting a date. She’s probably not even getting the darned thing read.
A killer email attracts, entices and begs to be opened. It makes him pick yours before Susie’s. It makes him smile and feel light. It piques his interest and tells him there’s more good stuff to learn. It makes him want to come back for more.
Here are my guidelines for writing emails when you’re dating online. There is a certain finesse to writing these, but with some practice you can master the craft. (I write these for my coaching clients all the time. After a while, they all get it. Practice makes perfect!)
1. If you email first, a spectacular subject is key. Make it enticing, intriguing, flirty and personal. You can even get a bit provocative, but don’t overdo that or you may send an I-want-sex-and-you-can-count-on-it signal.
2. If he emails you first, open by saying that you’re glad he connected. (I call this a virtual come-hither.)
- A sincere compliment about something specific and special that impresses you in his profile.
- A “nugget” or two about yourself that isn’t in your profile. (Nuggets are tidbits about yourself – what you like, know have done, care about – that give him a sense of who you are and why he would want to get to know you.)
- A clear show of interest. (But nothing too forward)
- A question that’s easy for him to answer and helps you learn more about him.
4. Be positive and light. (Humor is always good!)
5. Show confidence.
This doesn’t mean you send an email a mile long. The finesse comes by combining these to make a short, sweet contact with all kinds of yummy stuff in it.
Here’s an example:
Subject Line: Matter and energy…hmmmm…
So many things in your profile lead me to think you’re a creative and interesting person that I’d enjoy meeting. I know about a lot of things, but a physicist I’m not. Exactly how does matter and energy interact? (I admit…I looked that up.)
What you’re doing in your yard sounds so fun! I’m in great physical condition and would be glad to help you dig your pond.
You mention your travels. In two weeks I’m going on a trip to New England to see the leaves change colors. I’m really looking forward to it. How about you? Where are you planning to go on your next trip?
I look forward to hearing back from you. Enjoy the beautiful day.
Now let me break this down:
Subject Line: Matter and energy…hmmmm…
So many things in your profile lead me to think you’re a creative and interesting person that I’d enjoy meeting. (Nice opening…general compliments. And shows confidence.) I know about a lot of things, [nugget – tells him you’re smart and proud of it], but a physicist I’m not [you’re smart yet humble and not interested in competing with him]. Exactly how does matter and energy interact? [men love the thought of teaching us stuff and this is probably something most women won’t touch on. And it gives him something to talk about when he writes back.] (I admit…I looked that up.) [humor, and shows that you’re open to learning.)
What you’re doing in your yard sounds so fun! [tip: go easy on the exclamation marks! no more than one in an email.] I’m in great physical condition [nugget] and would be glad to help you dig your pond! [Light and fun.]
You mention your travels. In two weeks I’m going on a trip to New England to see the leaves change colors. I’m really looking forward to it. [nugget and compatibility] How about you? Where are you planning to go on your next trip? [Easy question to answer that makes for a no-brainer response; but not just a yes or no.]
I look forward to hearing back from you. [Confidence and clear show of interest. But you’re not asking him out, either. None of that “hope to hear from you”stuff.] Enjoy the beautiful day. [Upbeat, positive sign off.]
Karen (Don’t forget to include your name!)
One more thing: I believe in dating karma. When a man emails you and you’re not interested, don’t just hit Delete. He has taken time and bravely reached out. Write him back, say thank you, that you don’t see him as a match, and wish him the best of luck in his search.
Between these killer emails and the chits you’re putting in your karma bank, you’ll see a positive difference in your online dating experience in no time.
And one last thing: it’s important that you have realistic expectations. You probably won’t hear back from most of the guys you write. If you’re happy with your profile and emails, and you’re contacting all kinds of men (and not just guys who look like George Clooney and make over $100,000)…don’t take it personally. It doesn’t mean there is anything “wrong” with you. There are so many reasons a man won’t return an email that have nothing to do with you. He could have met someone else, his cat could have died, or he may prefer women who are teachers, have tattoos or speak Italian. You never know what attracts a man or makes a him not respond. Don’t let it get you down. It’s normal for only a small percentage of men to respond to you. And remember: all it takes is ONE!