Ah…you’ve connected with a man on Match.com, Bumble, eharmony.com or one of the other zillions of ways, and it’s time for your first date. When it comes to online dating first dates, you need to know an important truth:
Whaaat??
I love the idea of women using online dating to meet men. I met the love of my life on Match.com. So, of course, I sing its praises whenever I can.
Now, as a dating and relationship coach for women over 40, my clients are all using online dating or apps to varying degrees of success.
Pamela’s lovely beau is the first man she met online; Heidi went out with about four men before she met Tom and started her (so far) two-year relationship with him; Peggy is on Bachelor #26 and happy that she’s just having a good time dating for the first time in her life.
Myself, I met Larry after many years of using online dating. (That’s why I can give so much advice about what not to do!)
Of course, this is only one way of meeting single men.
Don’t forget the grocery store, Sierra Club hikes, your friend’s parties, and blind dates set up by your friends and relatives.
(My mom’s friend set me up once, and the guy took me to a Roy Orbison concert — which was pretty cool once I figured out who he was. But the guy wore stripes and plaid together. So, of course, I never went out with him again. But I digress.)
When you’re using online dating, if you remember nothing else, remember this: When you meet for the first time after connecting online, it’s just meeting; it’s not dating.
I have 10 Tips to Help You Get Past the Meet-Date to the Real Date. (If you want to, that is.) Here are Tips #1 – #3.
The purpose of the “meet date” is only to determine if you want to go on a real date. It’s not to get to know each other in any big way. Most men see it this was. It’s a time to find out how he feels being with you and if he wants to get to know you better.
If he does, he’ll ask you on a real date.
(This is exactly how it went with my husband. Meet date was very casual at a coffee shop during the day. Real date was at one of the best restaurants in town in the evening. Then on to cocktails.)
So, if a man doesn’t suggest a fancy or romantic place for your meet date, or present himself as overly serious about impressing you or looking for a relationship, he may just be waiting for the real date to wow and woo you. If you see any potential for him to be a man you enjoy being with, say “yes” to the real date!
Stay positive in the belief that you will find your special man who will rock your world. But be realistic by remembering that the majority of the men you meet won’t be The One. (Dating is a bunch of “nos” until you get to that one magnificent YES!)
Having these realistic expectations will serve you well in managing your disappointments. If he’s not The One, it doesn’t mean you can’t have fun; and if nothing else, it’s just more practice for when you do meet him.
Everyone, men and women alike, has negative attributes and secrets; and everyone worries about when to share them. The answer may be complex and depend on the situation, but the sure thing is NOT to share them on the meet date or often even the first date.
Divorce details, family problems, medical issues, friends or other men who have betrayed and disappointed you are off limits. (There are some things you want to bring up early on, after your first meeting. When you do, there is a way to share that gives him the 411 he needs while maintaining your boundaries.)
If he asks or brings it up himself, respond with one or two sentences of a positive nature and sway the topic elsewhere. For example, when he asks about your divorce: “It was difficult at times, but I learned a lot from that experience” or “Wow, we could talk about that for hours! Let’s put that in the queue for next time…I’d rather talk about your [travels; favorite movies, bands, or plays; preferences in food; or cats vs. dogs…]”
Get the rest of your tips! Click here for part 2 and here for part 3 of Online Dating First Date Tips for Grownup Women.
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Helen says:
I had a guy or 2 do that on Match but I wasn’t interested in them at all, when they left or came back haha. I don’t see how getting offline and leaving you their info would make you call them if you’re not interested.
But I think in the case of the guy you ended up dating, it can depend on if it’s a paid site, like Match. Some guys try to make it offline when their subscriptions are up and then decide to get back online after they strike out offline as well ;). I just had a guy tell me he is getting off OK Cupid “soon” because he was meeting women who were just looking to have “hookups or one night stands.” Not sure if this was true or not, but he is over 50 and didn’t seem too into the hookup lifestyle but who knows.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Suzy, I’m glad you had that experience with that one man, but it’s unusual. Generall,y these are guys who are either scammers or guys who hop on hoping for a quick score during a free weekend or something. If you’re looking for a serious relationship I wouldn’t waste time with these guys. If you are interested in one, come right out and ask them why they are going off the site and what they are looking for. Bp
Suzy says:
Bobbi, I hope this isn’t off topic but just thought I’d throw it out for possible feedback since it’s just happened again! Several times now, I have had men initiate contact on a dating site and then, after I respond, they tell me they are deleting their profile but would love it if I called them, send me their phone number and then delete their profile! I find this behavior very strange and have never called any of them – I never call men first anyway and, particularly in this case, don’t like that someone is trying to force me to do so. What’s up with this??? I would have thought it was just an elaborate way for them to break off contact with me but, in fact, one guy actually reinstated his profile when I didn’t call him, contacted me again (through the website) and we ended up meeting and going out for awhile! Strangely, he was actually a very nice guy, not controlling at all which is what I would have assumed. What are your thoughts on this???
Di says:
Life pays you exactly what you are worth.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Agree, ‘lady.’ Thanks.
lady says:
brem, your post is full of contradictions. be clear on what you want when dating. sounds like sex on first meeting is not what you wanted. deal with your issues first before entering the dating market. be mindful of how you show up to men. all the best.
Brem says:
Went on a date with a guy who I found irresistible but kind of knew not sure if my type. Had a drink, he was fidgety and it kind of felt weird. Anyhow I did the no no and after drinks went to his home, he is very pushy but I wanted to and felt safe. I enjoyed him and it but it also showed me who he is. The pot came out, the Ocpd reared its head. However since I realised he wasn’t the one, and since I felt like a bit of fun, intimacy followed, I stayed the night. Sadly his handy gadget didnot work too well , ED thing but it was still nice. I left the next morning after coffee thinking what the heck did I just do? Thought about it, then said some relationships do develop when sex happens the first night if not, so what, next. Won’t do this again unless I want to, but I enjoyed it and just like a guy, I moved on in a day. I think we women should sometimes be like a guy if we want, yes it only a date. I believe the right guy won’t push me like this one, but I will say I wanted it. Sometimes we stray to meet our needs. I felt confident, attractive and knowing full well what I was doing….. If he doesn’t want to see me again…. Too bad moving on, not sure I want to see him cause his habits are not what I desire in a partner even though he is a high achiever attractive and successful