If you are dating over 40, 50 or beyond, you ought to learn how to handle your baggage on dates. That nasty divorce, the bankruptcy, your high maintenance child, an STD or some other health problem…these are just some of the common products of a rich and varied, well-lived life.
As The Dating and Relationship Coach for Women over 40, one of the critical dating skills I teach is effective Baggage Handling. That’s right: how you handle your life stories – both internally and with the people you meet –can make the difference between never getting past a first date and finding your heart’s desire.
Premature Baggage Bonding, or PBB, is a first-date trap that I see as the most common mistake made by singles dating in their 40s, 50s and beyond. Men and women do it equally, and falling into the trap is easy. You don’t even know it happened until you’re saying goodbye to someone you like, knowing there will be no second date!
Sadly, premature baggage bonding kills the potential for countless would-be wonderful relationships.
PBB is when a first or second date shifts into a “deep” conversation after you discover some baggage you have in common. It starts off innocently with a question like “So what happened with your marriage?” And off you go! The talk begins about your horrific ex-spouses. How they were alcoholics, or cheated on you or were bad with money.
Maybe PBB begins when you proudly share your sobriety and start sharing about your history of addiction. Or one of you talks about a health issue, and before you know it you’re comparing the scars of your knee replacement surgeries or trying to one up each other about your horrible your hospital experience.
None of this is sexy. None of this is attractive. None of it creates a positive start to a good relationship.
If you’ve met via online dating you are particularly vulnerable when one of you asks “So how is online dating going for you?” Or “How long have you been on match.com?” Sounds innocent enough, right? NOT! It’s the gateway to PBB.
It’s human nature to look for similarities. Sharing common experiences is an easy and tempting way to bond with someone. If you met online it’s a natural starting point for discussion. But comparing and contrasting your craziest, worst or even best meet date is only a losing proposition.
Resist the temptation to “go there.” If you find the conversation moving in one of these negative directions, notice it and divert! It’s just as easy, and much better, to bond over your positive common experiences.
Once you become aware of the temptation to baggage bond, redirect by using some variation of “Sounds like we have that experience in common. Maybe once we get to know each other better we will share more. For right now I’d love to learn more about your life today. Tell me more about the photography class you are taking.”
Here’s is how I advise my coaching clients to answer the dreaded “so how has online dating been for you so far” question: It’s going fine. I get to meet great guys like you. How is your coffee? Answer politely, positively and move on.
If you spend time on your early dates bonding over your baggage, 99% of the time you won’t be seeing each other again. After sharing your communal dirty laundry, one or both of you may realize that you learned something that turns you off. He may be embarrassed about sharing too much and be nervous about trying to see you again. Or you may start associating that person with your past’s less pleasant aspects. It all points to going in a bad direction.
It is your job to keep your date from going down this road. He’s not getting advice from a Dating Coach for Men Over 40. You are, so it’s your responsibility to save him (and you) from the curse of TMI.
I’m not asking you to pretend to be someone you are not. There is a time and place for revealing yourself, but the first or second date is not the time to lay it all out there. So, if you find yourself PBB-ing, gently but firmly move the conversation to another, more positive, topic.
If you do end up together for the long term, there will be a lifetime to learn all the gory details of his divorce, or your financial problems, or his gout. And by then you will both know how wonderful the other person is despite – or even because of – your baggage.
Bobbi Palmer says:
ARgh! I hate this too, Aaron. Ladies…you see? Happens on both sides! I have to tell you that men do this all the time as well. I think it’s just because they don’t know what else to do. (Because they don’t read my blog. 🙂 )
Here, btw, is how I recommend that my clients answer this ridiculous question:
1. Tell the truth: I’ve been divorced X years.
2. I learned a lot from the experience that will make me a great partner for next time.
3. I’m really looking forward to my next and final love.
4. What are YOU looking forward to?
Or some variation.
Does this help you at all? Thanks for your comment.
Aaron says:
Bobbi – as a man at 49 – the worst way a woman can open a conversation is asking, “How long have you been divorced?” Unfortunately this is often the rule not the exception. If I try to steer the conversation away it seems to create another awkward situation because I didn’t answer the question. My frustration here is obvious. While I don’t like painting the scenario with a broad stroke it seems that women my age see consider the length of time after a divorce as a requirement to get a second date. Why is this?
Pamela says:
I think a guy that asks that is just trying to find something to talk about. I wouldn’t read too much into it!
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hmmm Nancy, I think you’re really a helluva lot into that question. I would never coach a woman to say that, true, but it’s because it only leads to conversation that is negative. I really encourage you to rethink this ASS-umption of yours. It may be keeping you from connecting with some good men. Please try, ok? Bp
Nancy says:
While I don’t make assumptions, I tend to assume a question about how Match or online dating is going on a first date means the guy does not see a future with me — in the back of his mind he is wondering how successful this service is. Also, for me, it doesn’t improve chances of considering him as a potential serious love interest because I feel a little passed over by his bringing up the question, or implication he’s wondering if he could do better. Put it this way: I am sure you would never coach a woman to use that line during a first date — it tends to make it seem unpromising.
Dawn says:
Chris, I’m so sorry. I lost my husband while he and I were on vacation in Las Vegas, and I awoke and found him dead of a heart attack in the bathroom. I’ve had guys want the FULL details — were you in shock? Did you have any idea? You mean he didn’t display any symptoms? You didn’t hear him fall? You must have been dead asleep! Yes, all those have been comments I’ve received and like you, they don’t get a second date! NOW, I’ve learned to deflect, as Bobbi says. My go-to answer to “how did your husband die or tell me the details” has been “we can certainly discuss this more indepth, when we know each other a little better. Tell me more about your most fun event you attended this last month?” . . . Keep it light, be encouraging, be positive, and good luck and best wishes!
Bren says:
My last date, who turned out to tell me about his OCPD, scared me…..his anger was a red flag, the fact that he had a 1 year marriage 30 years ago and is 59, I ran. Outwardly a successful architect, handsome inwardly a frightening prospect and he had ED……oh my I count myself lucky to be out of that. The ED is a big issue for us still sexually interested women……God really doesn’t have a sense of humor here. Whilst we still enjoy sex…..what do we do……it’s a real challenge …I think I must go onto a website for Cougars…..lol lol.
Uduak Udoffa says:
Great write up.
Keep up the good work!
Derri says:
*hugs*
Bobbi Palmer says:
Oh my gawd, Chris! I’m so sorry you’ve had this experience but glad you share it here. We women think we’re the only ones with crazy dating stories. I know that you men have some awful treatment from women. We ALL have to be more thoughtful and compassionate, don’t we?
But I don’t get this ‘worst day of your life’ stuff. Never heard of that. Ugh! Three women, Chris?
Chris says:
At the first meeting with a typical Match woman: “How did your wife die?”
“Well it was very sad and sudden.”
“How precisely?”
Crap. This happens a good chunk of the time.
“She was bipolar and things got out of control. She committed suicide.”
Ok, a lot happened in the past right? The polite thing to do is to move on. But, 3 times now (one woman being a mental health care professional): “How precisely did she kill herself?” Once: “Did she hang herself?” Once: “Did she take poison?”
That’s pretty callous. A woman – 3 times now – has wanted me to provide details about the worst day of my life at the first meeting. They didn’t get second meetings.
Overly Optimistic says:
Hi Bobbi,
I enjoy following you, so I’d like to start with that. 🙂
I do have a red-flag issue myself that I don’t know how to deal with when meeting people. I’m 56 and have had 3 long-term relationships in my life. I am embarrassed to say that, in my former incarnation, I was naive and guilty of being “overly optimistic” and fell into these three relationships quickly. In each, I married (I can hardly stand to write it and hung in for the better part of 7-9 years with each). I have done a lot of internal work in order to figure out why the why’s and wherefore’s, and I feel very solid in my understanding at this late point in my life. I have been divorced for 7 years and really am just getting back into dating the past year or so.
That said, it’s quite clear to me how this “love conquers all” mentality failed to be a mature-enough approach to a life-long partner, but I don’t know how to steer the conversation away from what I consider very private struggle that I’ve finally gained insight into. I would never keep my history hidden from someone with whom there is a strong developing interest, but I don’t want to go into the in’s and out’s of my upbringing and personal struggles with someone I barely know. I’ve tried saying “I’ve had three major relationships in my life” – which is not at all uncommon at my age – but to attach the word “marriage” to them changes the equation. And I’ve noticed that folks want to dig.
Any advice? I’m a sane, kind (formerly too kind), creative, intelligent woman OTHERWISE.
Thanks so much for considering this question!
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Liz, Of course I’ll post this! These are questions that so many women have. I need to write a full article on this topic, but for now I’ll give you this quick advice:
This is the great thing about dating at this age. You get to have frank conversation about this type of thing with your man. No need for embarrassment or any silliness. I suggest that you have conversation about sex as soon as you realize that you’re interested in potential intimacy with him. Tell him you’d like to share your feelings about some things having to do with sex as a way to help him get to know you better. Share when you would feel comfortable having sex; that you want to get to know him well first. Tell him you believe in using a condom and even that you would like him to be tested. Just have a frank conversation. If you are open, he will be too (if he’s any kind of grownup man). And if he’s not open, you’ll learn that about him sooner rather than later.
As far as not getting ‘stuck’ with a man who has performance issues, I don’t suggest that you come out and ask about it. But if you initiate open conversation there’s a good chance that would come up. Hope this helps! Glad you’re reading here. Bp
Liz says:
Hi Bobbi — I’m widowed, in my early 60s, and just getting back into dating, a few years after ending a several-year relationship. I would like to hear your thoughts on how to approach a new sexual relationship at 50-plus. I’m interested not only in how to deal with safer sex (e.g., when and how to bring up condom use and how long to use condoms in a committed, exclusive relationship) but what is likely to be a more sensitive subject — how to avoid getting sidetracked by the sexual problems that are much more common in men of a certain age. My husband died of prostate cancer and because I plan to get to know a man before I have sex with him, I am concerned that that might lead to my spending several months getting to know someone only to find out then that he’s unable to achieve and maintain an erection. (And please note that although I am happy to use other methods of pleasuring as foreplay, I am by no means ready to give up the hope of having “regular” sex again.)
I will totally understand if you don’t post this comment, but I would be grateful if you would address this subject. Thank you!
Dave says:
“My life just hasn’t taken me there yet” Dead on. 🙂
Bobbi Palmer says:
Truthfully, they may see that as a red flag. Some may just run but hopefully some will want to know your story. What counts is your “why?” Why haven’t you had relationships? I think it’s a reasonable question for women to ask. And when you answer, give a truthful, thoughtful answer that is positive in some way. When I was asked why I wasn’t married, (which happened a lot in my 40s and I hated it) I would say something like “My life just hasn’t taken me there yet, even though it’s been great. But I am really looking forward to when that happens for me!” Make sense? Thanks Dave! Bp
Nat says:
Thank you, Bobbi!
Actually, I’d love to ask you something about this subject of TMI.
I’m a very sensitive and open person, and I like to be transparent with my personality/life. It’s funny, because even strangers like to talk to me first and they end up telling me things about their life (I don’t even ask them). Don’t get me wrong, I lOVE to talk and listen to people, but the problem begins when they start to asking me questions about my life, and since I’m honest and open, I end up answering their questions, but then I feel really bad about myself for doing it.
And of course, this problem also happens to me on dates, which is worse, because men always want to know about my recent divorce, and I feel this obligation to answer and being honest, but at the same time, I totally agree with you that it’s not healthy to share TMI on firsts dates.
Usually these men I date share with me information about their past on first dates, and then they start with their questions about my own past. I just don’t know how to stop their questions and how to stop myself from being too open, because I end up feeling like I gave too much about myself, and I would like to be a more private person, specially with guys I’m dating.
How can I find a kind/compassionate way to stop their early curiosity?
Thank you so much again. Love and blessings! 🙂
Bobbi Palmer says:
That’s so great to hear, Nat. Thank you so much for letting me know! If there is something in particular I can help you with, let me know!
Nat says:
Yes, all this information has helped me a LOT! Thank you very much. 🙂
Dave says:
No relationships – or none that I would consider speaking of. And its not by choice! Just curious how women in their 40’s would view that.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Nat. Oh excellent! Love to hear that you ‘get it’ and now can do it differently. Sometimes a little info can go a long way, right? Glad you’re here! Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
What do you mean “no baggage?” That sounds like a good thing to me.
Nat says:
OMG, I did this in the past! I dated a great guy, but unfortunately we ended up in this kind of conversation on the 1st date and though we really liked each other, it didn’t work out in the long term. I’m pretty sure he was embarrased about sharing too much of his past and we were both still defensive about relationships/love.
Since then, I have learned a lot because of this experience and now I can laugh about it, hehe.
Thank you for this amazing article, Bobbi! Your advice is always deeply appreciated 🙂
Dave says:
Ok ladies – speak up. Tell me how you would react to a man our age who comes along and has no baggage to speak of? Do you judge him or get to know him? Thanks.
Bobbi Palmer says:
You’re right on, Lisa! Yup, if you try to redirect and they keep going…it’s a Big Red Flag. I feel bad for them, but it’s not your responsibility. I would even recommend to really go for it and say “So…is there anything you’d like to know about me???” Harsh, but necessary sometimes. Glad you’re here! Thanks for your comment. Hugs, Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
BIG aha for sure! Yah, I know that blabbing thing…sometimes I did it out of nervousness but also to make sure he didn’t like me. Worked like a charm! 🙂 Glad I could help you with this Star. It’ll make a big difference in how you connect AND it’s not as exhausting! Just be fantastic, relaxed, YOU! Bp
star anise says:
Very insightful and have to admit I had an aha moment which made me realise in the past i have behaved like this not to get closer but to protect myself and scare men away. interesting. Different times and differnt place am not falling for that gain. Thankyou!
Lisa says:
I’ve not gone out with men a second date for this very reason. They think that the first meeting is the time to dump all their troubles on me…. I go running fast. I agree! I don’t go there on this subject for many dates…. at least 5 or more… I try and redirect, but at times it doesn’t matter they want to vent… Then I start to think they are just looking for a mommy or a therapist…. to which I say no to…. Great post!