You’ve probably asked at some point: Where are the good single men? I have some news that will both surprise and delight you. The answer is they are everywhere! There are about 45 million single men over the age of 35 in the United States. About 8 million are over 65. There are about 7 million single men in Britain and 2 million in Australia. And those are just the ones using online dating!
And before you say “Yeah, but all the quality guys are taken or gay,” here are some facts ma’am:
Do these 5 simple things and you will start seeing and attracting quality men wherever you go.
I recently “shopped” for men on match.com (which is where I met my husband). I looked for men over 40, taller than 5’8″, college educated, non-smoking, social drinker, making $75,000+. (That’s an above-average income where I live.)
Within only 20 miles of my house there are over 2000 of these guys. 2000+!
And, remember, especially for those of you in more rural areas where there may be fewer available men, you need only ONE!
I think it’s only fair to assume that these 2000 guys are walking around and going places. They’re at the grocery store, bank and dry cleaners. They are playing golf, drinking coffee, and walking their dogs. (Check this article for more ideas of where to meet men.). Now, all you have to do is learn how to recognize and connect with them.
Where are the good single men? Do these 5 simple things and you will start seeing and attracting them wherever you go.
Don’t just pay attention to the guys who are tall and hot looking. If you typically go for only the hotties or your “type”, join the real world and lower your range to (what you might think are) the 6s or 7s. Often when a man speaks, he can become pretty attractive. (Just like when a hot man talks he can quickly become unattractive.) His sense of humor, his wit, his compassion will make him more attractive, but you will only see that if you give him a chance. Sometimes all it takes is a smile to turn a man or woman who seems like a 6 into an 8 or 9.
You know how some men who are 9s and 10s open their mouth and suddenly become a 5 ? Well, believe me, it can go both ways.
This goes for height as well. If you lower your height requirement by just two inches your pool of eligible men grows exponentially!
When you’re out and about, look at the people around you. Smile and say “Hi.” Maintain eye contact for a few beats longer than usual. It might feel a bit uncomfortable for the first day or two, but it won’t hurt ,I promise. With a little practice it will be fun.
Start a conversation by asking a simple question. You don’t have to be brilliant or clever. Simply asking “Are you getting hot or cold?” at the coffee shop or “Do you know what time they close?” at the cleaners can lead you to your next husband. It really is that easy. Men absolutely love a friendly and confident woman. That’s exactly what he’ll see when you smile at him and engage him in conversation.
You can get the conversation started. But as you may know, men can sometimes talk too much, especially when they’re nervous. Give him a break if he’s fidgety, gets overly chatty or starts bragging. It’s probably because he likes and wants to impress you.
Whatever you do, do NOT just listen and look on adoringly as he goes on and on. Why would he want to see you or talk to you again unless he feels some connection? The only way he can do that is if you share about yourself. So make sure to squeeze in a few “nuggets” about yourself. Get in a few tidbits about what you enjoy doing, what makes you laugh, or things you care about. Don’t be afraid to be real and show your softness, dorkiness or even nervousness. Real men are attracted to real women. It’s nature.
If you like him, show him some attention. Men love attention from women, and most of them don’t get it very often. We hold back either because we think it’s their “job,” because we’re too freaked out at the chance of being rejected or because we don’t want to give him the idea we want to jump into bed. Don’t be afraid of any of that! 99% of men will simply enjoy the attention.
If you’re interested enough to want him to ask for your number, get his attention by doing some grownup flirting.
Compliment him! Men are especially flattered when you show them you admire, respect or trust them. Ask him for his opinion or advice on something. You’ll not only get to know him better, he will feel smart and respected.
Oh, and laugh at his jokes–but only if they sincerely tickle you. He’ll definitely know you like him.
Touching is the surest way to make a connection with a man. Below the elbow is the safest place, or you can brush your shoulder or arm against his every now and then. Actions do speak louder than words. And don’t worry! He won’t think you want to sleep with him: only that you’re interested.
Lean in when you’re talking with or listening to him.
Twirl your hair. Make it look subconscious and playful, but it gets them every time.
Don’t worry that he knows you’re flirting…that’s the point!
If he doesn’t ask for your number , don’t hesitate to make a move. You don’t want to ask him out or try to make any specific plans, but let him know you’d say “yes” if he asked.
How to do that without seeming pushy? Clearly show your interest. Tell him “It was fun talking with you. It would be nice to do it again!” Have your business card at the ready if he wants to contact you.
If all else fails, you can even say, “I’d love to continue talking with you. Here’s my card.” That’s not asking him out; it just puts the ball in his court and clearly lets him know you’re available and interested.
I challenge you to cast your net a little wider than usual. Start looking at men who are a few inches shorter, a few pounds heavier and maybe with a little less hair than your ideal. Men who are more in the 6+ range on the “hot” scale. Don’t look at it as lowering your standards as much as increasing your chances of finding a hidden gem of a man.
They don’t even have to be men with whom you want to close the deal. I just want you to practice eye contact and connection, flirting, and opening yourself up to men outside your usual zone.
I want to hear how it goes! Leave me your comments below about your experiences this week. I especially want to hear if you notice their attractiveness changing, either up or down, once you get to know them. Does it seem like there are more eligible men than before? Were you able to listen as well as sharing your nuggets too? Did they ask for your number? Were you able to close the deal?
I want a full report! Happy hunting!
Ninah says:
Am single and searching, but I have come to love and like the conversation here,thanks
Bobbi Palmer says:
Thanks for being here and sharing this, Geoff! YOu’ve given such meaningful advice. I’m wishing you the very best in love! Bp
Ellen Salazar fermina says:
I just want men love me only me and do not have
No body just me only and Ian christian i go to church and anything else and love take me anywhere
Geoff says:
Hi Bobbi,
I stumbled onto your site, but I’ve been enjoying your wisdom. This is a great post and I think it applies equally well to men. I would suggest that for most of us, “standards” aren’t the same thing as deal-breakers. Rather, they are somewhat arbitrary; i.e. we might claim to only be interested in someone who is 6′, but are we really saying that we would dismiss someone out of hand who is 5’11”? Perhaps it is better to think about, say, wanting someone who is “tall enough,” where “tall enough” might turn out to be someone who is only 5’10”, but who has a beautiful smile or radiates positive energy or some other positive quality that we may not have considered. The point isn’t to “lower” one’s standards, but to open ourselves up to the possibility that we might find that perfect someone if we are willing to be a bit less rigid in our initial evaluation of whether a person constitutes what we think we are looking for.
As for good single guys over 40 (or 50!) who are looking for serious, long-term, committed relationships, ladies, I can tell you that we can be found on on-line dating sites. I don’t know, maybe I am one of those 6 or 7s in the looks department, but in spite of being divorced, for the right woman, I’m a total catch. Moreover, I’m honest, up front, don’t play games, ghost, or participate in any of the nonsense that seems to be associated with on-line dating. We might not hit it off on a date, but the experience would be positive. I’m inclined to believe Bobbi in that I’m fairly certain that nice guys like me are a dime-a-dozen (even online).
In spite of being a nice guy, an equally nice woman seems to have found me on Hinge, so it does happen. For those of you who think men my age (50-something) only want younger women, she is five years older than I am. And no, I don’t have a thing for older women, but I was willing to widen the net a bit. Interestingly enough, I didn’t like her voice when we first talked on the phone. However, when we went on our first date, I was gone the moment she turned and I saw her for the first time. After getting to experience the person that went with the voice on the telephone, I couldn’t tell you now what it was that I thought I didn’t like. She was (and is) unforgettable. Thank goodness I didn’t bail before meeting her.
I wasn’t expecting to be smacked in the head (or the heart) on our first date so I’ve done a poor job up to this point of protecting my own heart, but if it gets broken, that is on me. Meanwhile, I’m doing my best to save my adult self from drowning in adolescent brain chemicals and recovering at least a modicum of rationality so that I can be objective going forward. In any case, if the worst happens, I’ll dust myself off, restart my dating account and get back in the game because at this point in my life I know what I want in a woman and in a relationship. If it turns out that it isn’t going to happen with the woman I’m currently dating, then I’ll keep looking and remain open to the possibility of finding love. I can’t control whether someone loves me, but I can control whether I am present, receptive and available. I’m a firm believer that lucky people actually make their own luck. For those Ted Lasso fans out there, remember to be like a goldfish (“What is the animal with the shortest memory?”). The fact that yesterday sucked has no bearing on what might happen tomorrow, so forget about it and embrace all of your tomorrows.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Ummm, NOT what I’m saying at all yet I can see with a certain slant it can be taken that way. Pls remember that my advice is for WOMEN. Others are advising men. I can’t advise women how to make men change to help create healthy relationships, can I?
Layla says:
So your best advice to women is “lower your standards and do all the work” lovely. Is that your advice to men as well? Or are they allowed to maintain their sense of self worth.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Marie. Good for you for showing up here and doing the exercise. You’re right: smoking habits and core values are not negotiable. I would never suggest someone compromise on those. They are must-haves; dealbreakers. I think you’re missing the main point, there are dealbreakers and there are nice-to-haves. I hope you’ll reread and Dig a little deeper. Hugs. Bp
Marie says:
I tried your homework and to be honest, it’s not working out any better. You mention not being picky but isn’t that the same as compromising or changing yourself to fit into a mold of accepting less than what you need? If someone can’t be with a smoker, why should they conform? If someone can’t date someone who is deeply religious because they are Athiest, why should they give it a go anyway? You should teach people to be confident that they know what they want and won’t sacrifice themselves to get it.
Marzena Dziedzic says:
How dobu know theses work..after all u turned to match.com..
Johan says:
“Silly age-criteria”? You mean: just like these “silly height-criteria”?
Would you react when a man below 5’8″ tries to match with you?
PS: I am absolutely no misogynist and I am actually pro-feminism, but sometimes it feels to me that the ladies just want it all.
Rachel says:
I have dated a man shorter, fatter, and poorer than you who lived with his parents.
He broke up with me–without giving me a reason. I would have stayed with him.
Don’t give up.
rachell haake says:
YES I BE SINGLE FOR 5 YEARS AND DATING SITE IS NOT GREAT SO ALWAYS LOOKING FOR GUYS AT MEETING
Isabel says:
I think guys who live with their parents are sexy as long as they are helping their parents and not a mooch
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Barbara. You’ve shown interest. You’ve done what you can. If he’s not responding it’s time to move on. Remember that you don’t really know each other. Please don’t get hung up on a man you barely know. That’s the best way to handle a situation like this, my friend. Bp
Barbara says:
Hi Bobbi
I communicated with a man online the other day…….We spoke on the phone the same day for a short time. He was at work and had a crisis come up, so our conversation was short. After we spoke for a bit, he said I seemed like a nice person and that he would call me later……..I didn’t hear from him…..I learned a few days later that my number was coming up scrambled on caller i.d. realizing that perhaps he tried to call me, but couldn’t get through…..A couple of days later I sent him a text saying that it was very nice speaking with him….and to enjoy the beautiful day…..I wanted to send something simple that showed my correct number and that did not sound needy or like I was chasing him. Did I handle this in the best way ? It has been a couple of days and I have not heard from him yet……We like a lot of the same things and it seems as though he would be a good fit for me……….Thanks for your wisdom…..Barb
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Kris. I dated for 30 years and have been guiding women as they date for over 10. The percentage of men who are sleazy and perv-y like you describe is very very small. And this will be less-so now since there won’t be in-person dating. Bad news for the creeps, right? If this is all or most of what you’re getting then there is some signal out there that’s attracting them. I’m not saying YOU are attracting them, but your profile and/or other communications are telling them it’s okay. Take this time to look at how you’re presenting yourself online and making sure you are being crystal clear about what you are looking for. Also, what you are accepting? Are you missing or ignoring the red flags at the onset? Are you trying to connect with the men who seem kind and grownup and looking for commitment? Or are you veering toward the more exciting-sounding or shiny guys? Lots you can look at and tweak in order to change these crappy results. I teach this and so much more in my From Online to In-Love program. Take a look at this super in-depth program that’ll help you make those connections with good, grownup men and get the creeps to self-select out. Look particularly at Module 3:
Attracting the Quality Men You Want to Meet and Module 4: What the Men You Want, Want: Getting to Know the Quality, Grownup Man. Best. Bp
Kris says:
You know I’m reading these answers, it’s not about women obsessed with men being tall, it’s not worth being obsessed with money, it’s wanting people to be honest. I’m divorced I’m not 25 I don’t want to be called a cougar. I’m a human being. I’ve been lied to, I have been scammed, I have been ghosted repeatedly, I have been nothing but honest. There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone who doesn’t use you for your income or your status. I want somebody who’s not a user, someone who can support themselves without relying on other people. I also want attraction. Just because I’m older doesn’t mean I’m dead. But when somebody tells you they’re 42 or 45 or 47 and you meet them and they’re 60 or 65 it sucks. When someone tells you
They’re 5 foot 11 or 6 feet tall and you meet them in their 55 on a good day you get pissed off.
Kris says:
I have tried Cupid, Zoosk, match. 95% of the time I was ghosted. Of the four people I chose to meet one completely did not look like his profile was much older. One revealed he was much older, shorter and Not the picture he revealed when I was literally seven minutes from our meeting point after an hour of driving. One had the hands of an octopus and I blocked him. The last one was not only shorter, skinnier, older, not a few years older, much older than the picture on the site and then he had the audacity to grab my boobs and then tell me that I was naïve to believe that people did not go on that site for at least a blow job or sex. I found the online experience incredibly frustrating and insulting. One that I did not meet requested that I meet him on a Google chat site and he was considerably younger, but naked and wanted to masturbate together. Where are all the real men who want something real out of life. I’m no prude but I’m not a pig either.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Agree. Tho some of this is human nature. Most men don’t want to date a woman who is taller than he is either. I know, it sucks and it’s really limiting for no good or grownup reason. But look, we all have something that turns off some people. Too tall, too fat or skinny, not enough of this or that…it’s just a fact. So we all have to work with what we have and stop fighting ‘what is.’ There were plenty of men who wouldn’t give me a second look because of my fat thighs. Unfair, but true. And then one guy did. And we’ve been married 13+ years. You’ll find yours too, Tom. Try to stop fighting the reality – same thing I tell the women I coach. Be your best, it’s all you can do. Best, Bp
Sachin says:
Ladies those of you looking for a single man, I am 39 never married , MBA and based out of TORONTO.
Tom says:
The obsession with height is ridiculous. That’s why a lot of men on dating sites adjust their height upwards. Just think of the great men you might be ignoring due to this requirement.
Tia says:
JJ, question, do you take care of your parents or do they take care of you? If you appreciate and take care of them you’re a good person to date.
Janey T. says:
I agree with Bobbi that we all have a number of soulmates. Women, in particular, need to be careful about the whole soul mate thing. Especially in the era of online dating when we have a gender advantage in most towns and can afford to be extremely picky. There is no such thing as a perfect man. As I like to say, the biggest “red flag” is a man with no red flags. I once read a ridiculous article in a women’s magazine whose title was like “50 red flags you must avoid to find Mr. Right.” The issue is not whether or not a guy has red flags. It’s what he is doing to correct them or at least make them better. Some may never be cured. Wonder if he was sexually abused by his uncle throughout childhood? No licensed counselor will tell you that a man who has been traumatized like that will EVER completely get over that. He will just get better at dealing with it. I once knew a woman who was going to dump a man she was dating even though he had all these other amazing qualities. He was 18K in debt. I told her: “Ask him how he managed to get himself in that kind of debt and if he had a plan for getting out of it.” As you might expect, he had an answer. He was a California resident, which is a state that is notoriously very unfriendly towards men in divorce cases. She took most of what he had because she got an ace lawyer, even though he earned less than her! Then he came down with leukemia 2 months after his divorce went final. Talk about a miserable situation. The Silicon Valley has one of the highest costs of living in the nation, and as a single men (fortunately with no kids), he couldn’t keep up financially. He got cancer free, but not without big time debt. He told her that he would never ask her for money, and if they ever married, he would be more than willing to do a pre-nup that he was responsible for his own debts. As for a plan, he had one, but it’s going to take a lot of time. Debt consolidation destroys your credit score, and he does not want to BK. The whole thing caused her to sob at how she almost dumped a man who had debts through no fault of his own. I am happy to say they are still together, and that my friend has accepted that they just aren’t going to travel to exotic places (national parks will have to do) and live the high life like she was hoping. She would just rather be in the kitchen, making dinner with him and cuddling on the sofa afterwards. She couldn’t be more in love. Be careful with making too much of red flags. Let the person EXPLAIN. Do no pre-judge. The red flag is the person who take no responsibility for their red flags or who won’t talk about them honestly.
Chris says:
I totally agree with Stephen. Most women are obsessed with men being tall, yet when a men makes a comment about women’s weight, he gets crucified.
It is not being defensive, it’s just being respectful. You are reinforcing the stereotype that shorter man are less desirable.
Bobbi Palmer says:
I’m not big on the soulmate word because it implies that there is only one person on the planet who is meant to be your partner in life. I don’t believe that’s true. There are many men out there who would make a wonderful partner for you. The ‘one person thing’ tends to set us off looking for some fantasy man. He doesn’t exist.
What is real is LOVE. And it can come in many forms and there is more than one man out there who could make you happy; and you him. Go for it! Bp
Linzy Vi says:
Wondering if this whole “finding your soulmate” is such a thing? I’m still looking for mine. I’m open for a new relationship, and i wish to find the man to grow old with.
Bobbi Palmer says:
I tell women to NOT judge men by where they live on the surface. We all have backstories and taking the time to hear them before deciding can unearth some wonderful people we would otherwise overlook. – Bp
cs says:
Would you date a guy 8 years older than you? I get the impression you wouldn’t.
cs says:
I’m assuming that, as a 42-year-old doctor, you probably already have your own place, so why do you care if the guy lives with his parents? Is it because you think guys like that are beneath you? Or must have something wrong with them? Because obviously it’s not about having to hang out at the guy’s parents’ house. If this is such a recurring issue for you that you felt you had to mention it here, maybe your hesitance to date those guys really is a major part of why you can’t find the kind of guy you’re looking for?
jj says:
Hi, I’m a 6-foot-tall, 36-year-old entrepreneur with a muscular 13% body fat and $100,000 in the bank. However, due to my career path and the fact that I live in one of the most expensive cities in the US, I am currently living with my parents.
I guess I should just kill myself.
♂️
Ann says:
Refreshing!
Rachel says:
Me too Zee!
I don’t need the emotional investment. Which NEVER pays off.
Glad I never slept with any of them. Most guys I met online just wanted pro bono hookers, but are too stingy or poor to rent one. No thanks!
If I were to date again I would insist on paying for EVERYTHING. If he buys you a $6 value meal at a fast food joint he’ll think he has the right to demand your discount sex services.
And he’ll tell you how ugly/old/worthless you are. That’s called “negging.” What single men do. Why they’re single.
Rachel says:
I have known a guy who earns $8 an hour assembling cabinets. Really nice. I would have married him. But he decided to friend zone me.
We’re still friends, btw. I like his personality. He’s a gentleman.
Rachel says:
My thoughts too!
So sick of being told I’m picky.
It does wonders for a woman’s self esteem to be called picky for fleeing an abusive creep. Yet it happens a lot.
No one accuses men of pickiness you’ll notice.
Rachel says:
My problem is I can only marry a member of my religion. There are no single men who go to church.
Ashley says:
Looking for a nice hot man over 45 I’m recently single
Bobbi Palmer says:
No judgement here, girlfriend. Hell no, don’t lower your standards. But also make sure your expectations are realistic. There are tons of men like you describe! Here are a bunch of ideas:
https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/where-to-meet-single-men-over-40/
https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/26-ways-to-meet-single-men-over-40/
Kristi says:
Patrick,
Are you saying that many men are open to dating women their age (or in the vicinity?). I would be very encouraged if you confirmed that.
Kristi says:
Dear Author,
My comment will sound ridiculous, so I am asking in advance to not be judged. I am a 42 year old athlete with a doctoral degree, financial assets, a size 4-6 figure, and a cheerful disposition. I have no problem getting dates when I want them because your advice is true – there are plenty of kind hearted single men out there who have nothing to lose by asking their doctor out. But I don’t want to get mixed up with a man who is an alcoholic, or is massively in debt with the IRS, or lives with his parents, or sells pot illegally… I’ve worked pretty hard to be healthy: financially, physically, socially, emotionally. Where does one go to find single men who have done the same? Do they exist? I really don’t think the answer is that I just need to lower my standards – I could be married next month to a dud, no problem!!!
Bobbi Palmer says:
I tend to agree with you Lin. Of course you all are absolutely entitled to your choices but I do encourage you all to be as open as possible about who you are open to getting to know. Bp
Lin says:
Just because someone is “into their own health” doesn’t guarantee that he’ll grow old with you, it that he’ll even find your elitist attitude attractive.
Remember that when you spend yet another holiday season alone, when you could have been finding love with that guy who was a little fluffier, but in better health, than you.
Lin says:
I fear if I lower my standards any more I’ll be looking into the homeless shelters, rehab center or mental institutions for my next date…
Theo says:
Patrick is right. Bobbi, you have no clue
Bobbi Palmer says:
“You don’t need someone who loves your dearly, just someone who likes you enough and likes to sleep with you. And that almost certainly means they are not going to be faithful, but women rarely are, just turning a blind eye makes a long term relationship easy. Be ready for a divorce.” I don’t agree with you in any way but I’ll publish your opinion nonetheless.
gush says:
They aren’t really all that wrong, though certainly exaggerating.
If you are above 40, height shouldn’t be a requirement for long term commitment.
You see older men have no gripes with dating taller or shorter women.
Here’s what I learned with older men. Younger people have time on their hands that you don’t, way easier to match a schedule. Beautiful people even more because other people are more willing to take care of their stuff, saving them time.
You don’t need someone who loves your dearly, just someone who likes you enough and likes to sleep with you. And that almost certainly means they are not going to be faithful, but women rarely are, just turning a blind eye makes a long term relationship easy. Be ready for a divorce.
And yes, young people are way more likely to just want to sleep with young beautiful people, but it’s easier to find one who does want to sleep with you than match your schedule with older people.
gush says:
Wanna know why older guys go for younger girls?
Time. You don’t have, they do.
Matching schedules with younger people is easier.
Just saying…
Marni says:
A few pounds heavier ? I don’t think so. My father died when he was 38 because he was overweight. There is no way that will ever date a guy that isn’t into his own health. I want him to grow old with me.
Bobbi Palmer says:
OK, Sharon, I expect you to go for it! (Maybe you have already.) Yep, nothing bad can happen. If he doesn’t respond it could be for a multitude of reasons; none having to do with you. Nothing lost. And think of what you can gain! At a minimum you will feel so proud of yourself for being courageous. And I would bet that you will only have to force yourself to do this a few times before you realize how fun it can be…and how easy. Oh, and I’m happy to hear that you aren’t pushing any timeline and are waiting until The One comes along. He will. Keep on smiling. 🙂 Bp
Sharon says:
I’m going to do it. Eye contact. I know your right. I’ve been telling myself I need to make proper eye contact but haven’t. I’m not keen on even trying online dating. And I really can’t be bothered. There’s no comparison, to actually looking someone in the eyes and knowing if they are worth giving the time of day to. Which you can’t do with online dating because pretty much anyone can make themselves look like a nice person in a photo. I’m single and in my early 40s. I’m not disalusioned in any way. I don’t have any preconceived thoughts on different age groups of men. Wether they’ve been married once twice or twenty times and how that may or may not have jaded them in anyway. Because quite frankly theres a lot of jaded negative men and women out there who have never been married. I also have no “plans” of where I need to be, relationship wise, by a certain age or certain time in the future so that I can live happily ever after until I die. I don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. But I just really wouldn’t mind meeting someone. Someone with a sense of humour, who can hold a conversation but also doesn’t mind silence. Someone just to hang out with who makes me laugh. Someone who isn’t hard work. Maybe all of that is to much to expect? I may soon find out. Good thing, I don’t mind my own company.
I’ve been catching the train lately to work & someone has caught my eye. I just have to make eye contact and not woos out by sticking my face in my phone. Your right it’s going to really take me out of my confort zone but what’s the worst thing that can happen? I’ll be so embarrassed that I’ll just sit somewhere else on the train.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Sorry you have so many pre-conceived (ie prejudices) about women, Patrick. If you don’t start learning some truth, and dumping all your old incredibly wrong and ridiculous ideas, you’re going to remain angry and single.sorry for that Bp
Patrick Hiestand says:
OK.. First what is your definition of “good men” Likely its a man who rakes in the cash.
Second is out of those millions of men who you say are using online dating are looking to spoil hot young women for sex and are annoyed by all the old women desperate for marriage.
Always exceptions to the rule and the exceptions prove the rule.
Gail says:
Some of these “lifetime of bad decisions” is because the woman kept giving the abusive, cheating, lying man chance after chance only to repeatedly have their heart ripped out, spit on, stomped to the ground and then the same man pick it up with tender loving hands, place it back in her chest and nurse it back to health and love, only to do the same thing AGAIN!!!
Gail says:
Here’s my prob. I have 2 rules, Don’t cheat and don’t lie!! Not one man has been able to follow the 2 rules!!! Even when I give them a 2nd or 9th chance!!! What is the problem with being faithful??? Dating sites are like being an animal at the humane society, hoping someone will think ur cute enough to want to be around u before u get uthenized!!!!
Gail says:
Chris
You still single?
zee says:
The more words less pictures on POL has slowed down the unwanted messages considerably
zee says:
As far as having a great profile – Yeah I drove on of those around and it got me no where.
I’m not looking for serial monogamy. I am looking for a life partner. Unlike some of the other women who rightfully are burnt out and discouraged by on0line dating. I have not given up I am changing my approach to finding a man. I’ve kept a free on line profile up – I have my well written with all excellent photos on one site on other. I’ve told the boys how it is! And I call it more words less pictures.
zee says:
As far as flirting with and dating men I’m not really interested in, it’s a disappointing waste of time. Sorry
zee says:
I want to slow down with the match excitement.
I live in a major metro traffic and congestion is an issue for finding not a companion but a partner. Despite 2million people in my general area match on found 1650. Not even 1% of my area. I’m not interested in a 40 to 50 year old man who doesn’t take care of himself. His unhealthy life style will turn him into an aging burden. Out that I found maybe 10. It’s not worth paying for. Sites like OKC and POL have become sewers of misogyny. There are a few men there, I’m not holding my breath.
Bobbi Palmer says:
I can unequivocally say YES men will find you attractive AND you can be picky!! The key, though, is that you find yourself attractive and worthy. Oh, and the other key is that you stop choosing these awful men. The guy who said you’re lucky as an undesirable, rapidly aging woman…well, fuck him. I usually don’t go there, but for that bastard, I will. That’s a complete lie and his way of trying to control you. Rachel, you gotta fix your picker, sister. And know how fabulous you are. It’s a process, especially after putting up with so much crap for all these years. (I’m guessing this didn’t start with these guys. Did you have the same kind of treatment in your distant pass maybe?) Stick with me here or find another expert who can help you move forward. You. Are. Deserving. Bp
Rachel Nichols says:
Honestly I’m very flexible in the looks department. If anything, tall, gorgeous men scare me since I’m out of their league and they know it. I dated 2 really hot men. One was a bum looking for a sugar mama, the other kept telling me how lucky an undesirable, rapidly aging woman was to have anyone.
Lots of men I have dated are verbally/emotionally abusive or flaky. I put up with a lot of stuff since I know I can’t be too picky, especially this late in life.
Quit dating for last 5 years. Sick of the way I got treated.
Here’s the real question. Can any man find ME attractive?
Lucy says:
wow I like that one,you have teach me so many ,things I’ve never know
pretty says:
loving people
Reema says:
Life sometimes are very cruel with us and doesn’t give us what we wish. But we shouldn’t lose our faith and believe that one day someone will come to brighten our life or something very good will happen.
Susie says:
Hi Robin, i feel the same way, im 45 apparently not compatible with nobody, i try to have a good conversation and the start asking for pictures, and senseless conversations, feel they shopping, im not bad looking but not on sale, i be alone for the rest of my life.
Bobbi Palmer says:
I agree with you 1000%, KC James! If there were a way to search by those qualities that is
exactly
what I would recommend. If you read my work here you will see that I’m all about helping women make choices based on how a man makes her feel: safe, valued, etc. It’s not about money or status at all. It’s about whether he’s a kind grownup man.
Thing is that there is no way to quickly find these guys. We have to dig and do our own discovery. This example is merely to show the quantity of men online who meet some generic “minimum standard” for most women. It may sound harsh and I’ve had men who are shorter ream me for being so judgemental. But the truth is that the majority of women want a man who is at least a certain height. (I argue all the time with women about this criteria, but it’s the truth. Not unlike most men like thin or average weight women.) And wanting a man who makes a decent living — which is what 75k in LA is…just decent — is nothing to apologize for.
I REALLY appreciate your point and thanks for taking time to share here. You list of what matters in a relationship is right on. In fact, I want all my women to read it and I plan on featuring it for them. It’s grownup men like you that they all want to meet!!! I’m always looking for men like you to be on my occasional man-panels and answer questions. If you’re interested will you email me? bobbip@…com. (you know the …) Thanks!! Glad you’re here. Bp
KC James says:
Hi Bobbi,
I think your list to be interesting and wanted to tell you that men have lists too, when looking for a serious relationship.
Overall, I think you hit the nail on the head by stating your search-preference.
“taller than 5’8″, college educated, non-smoking, social drinker, making $75,000+”
Especially the last part. +$75k.
If you are looking for a sophisticated, well mannered, confident, and successful men, these are not the criteria that will lead you to this goal. They are too pivoted towards material possessions and prestige.
“Old fashioned” men are looking for:
Empathy,
trust,
“chemistry”,
independent thinking (because he realizes that the two of you can grow together; and no, a college degree is not necessarily a sign of intelligence [oh boy, I can tell you that!]),
ability to argue respectfully (if you date an intelligent person, chances are they hold a different point of view for a good reason, and you should be able to argue respectfully with each other. If you think one person has to lose and the other person has to win, well, good luck with that mindset.)
The list is not anywhere complete. It is an excerpt and priorities vary. However, you can see by this little example that the priorities are quite different.
Which set is more suitable for a long term relationship is up to you to decide … I, for example, made my choice.
Bobbi Palmer says:
You are so, so freaking WRONG Gary. You’re not meeting the women who ‘hang out’ here, that’s for sure. I’m sorry that’s the case. I hope you take some time to read more here – with an open mind. I think you’ll learn a lot of good stuff about grownup women. Bp
Gary high-fruit, vegan mgtow says:
Stephen, that’ll teach you to be an offended man. Just learn how women see men. They’re “shopping” not for you, but for ingredients that’ll make their lives easier (phy. security, money, someone to fix things and complain to.
Laurie says:
I agree. Online dating is the worst!
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Robin, I’m happy to hear from you. Girlfriend, you don’t have to post nude photos. 🙂 I bet you know that. Ewww. But you DO have to have a good profile and pictures. Here are a bunch of articles about online dating. I also have a course Get Online, Get Noticed, Find Love that will be available on my website soon. OD works, but you do have to put the work in first. I’m sure you are an interesting, fun, attractive woman. You just have to know how to express her to men. Check out these articles: https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/?s=online+dating. And if you’re interested in my course, be sure to sign up for my mailing list so you find out when it’s available. Hugs, Bp
Robin says:
Hello,
I’m 44, successful, pretty, outgoing and have one of my two sons living at home I have been
extremely unsuccessful in the online arena and I feel it’s simply because I don’t post almost
nude pics of myself and when I do get a hit, its typically from someone in their 20’s.
LIke, I mentioned I’m very friendly and have no problems on a social level talking to people
I’m thinking I’m just going to be alone for the rest of my life and I have to be okay with that.
I’m truly blessed, although I don’t have a companion.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Chris, Ugh…I wish I could say you’re making this up, but I know to some degree you’re not. All I can say is the same thing I say to women who are very overweight, or in their 70s, or one of the many other things that many men seem not to like: there are still plenty (like millions!) of people who would be SO attracted to you. Keep looking and don’t fall into the trap of getting bitter or assuming all women are the same. There’s a really good woman who is waiting to meet you! Thanks for your comment. We appreciate you being here! Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Stephen, I’m sorry you feel that way but you are taking a partial sentence out of hundreds of thousands of words I write and blowing it way up. If you read more of what I write you’ll see that I actually make your case for you. That said, I’m guessing that your defensiveness about this is likely showing up with women you meet. Take it from me – the ‘fat woman’ who thought for decades that men weren’t picking me because of my weight – it’s NOT about that. It’s more about how YOU view yourself and the people you meet. Hey, if a woman doesn’t want you because you’re 5’8″, too bad for her. But if she doesn’t because you’re angry or feel like some kind of victim because of your height…then it’s on you. Bp
Stephen says:
I find your article extremely offensive in that you perpetuate the idea that a man under 5’8″ is somehow “lesser” of a man. I find it hypocritical that reference to a mans height is seemingly acceptable in our society, yet reference to a woman’s weight is considered superficial and mean spirited. At least weight is something that can be changed with a bit of hard work. Yes I am 5’8″. I’m also 195 lbs and in better shape than most guys half my age yet for many women the height is a deal breaker.
Chris says:
Sadly, Troy is right on. As a 45 y/o single man, my experiences with todays women are very similar. Women who flocked to the thugs, macho types, and bad boys when they were younger now are ready to “settle” for a nice guy type. Though at 5’6″ I’ve learned firsthand how important height is to woman (all online profiles of women list 6’2″+ for height requirement). I make 100k+, will have a great retirement, and wish I could find a sweet women who didnt view me as “settling” material. I wish them all luck in their pursuit of 6’2″+ guys…
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi, Jem, I love that you love men! They are fabulous. You know, it’s actually a myth that most men go after young women. In fact, statistics show that the vast majority of men marry within 5 years of their age. Or maybe it’s just the specific type of man that you’ve chosen as your ‘type.’ When you tell me you’re meeting ones who are self centered, arrogant and brag…I’m wondering if you happen to be attracted to the “shiny guys.” These guys may be the ones you’re talking about. These articles may be of help. https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/2015/11/what-dating-after-40-is-like-for-men/ Hugs, Bp
Jem says:
Too many men out there are looking to date females their daughters age , and that is a royal turn off. Or they are way too self centered, arrogant and brag. The men that pursue me seem to be very attracted to me but more often than not, I am not attracted to them. I love men so I am just waiting for a mature minded, intelligent and loving man to appear on the scene.
Bobbi Palmer says:
I agree with this: Get out and do something. Get a life, live a life and share with others. Absolutely. The rest, not so much. Millions and millions of people find love online. I did. Hundreds of women I support and know did. If it becomes, like you said, emotionally draining and soul crushing waste of time, it’s because you’re not doing it with some needed skill and emotional readiness. Hey, I did it this way for years and years. It absolutely sucked. But as I sit here today with my husband whom I met on http://www.match.com, (and who I happen to be mad at right now – as an aside)…I KNOW for a fact that it’s the most powerful tool available to help us meet other singles. I wish you the best in your search. Bp
mgm531 says:
Wanna hear my advice on online dating? Just.Don’t.Do.It. It sucks. It sucks for men, it sucks for women. It sucks for younger people and it sucks for older people. Not for same reasons, mind you, but online dating does in indeed SUCK! So don’t do it. Go live your life DOING SOMETHING! Ride a bicycle, watch a movie, go to a museum or take stroll around a lake or park. Do it with friends if you are lucky enought to have them or if not then just do it by yourself. The point is just get off your A** and do it. And as you are doing things in your life meet people. Talk to them, smile at them, wave to them and just be friendly. You may meet the ‘love of your life’, or you may not. But at least your getting out of the house and meeting people. And for every person that you meet that you think ‘meh’ you will at least begin to figure out who makes you go ‘oh yeah!’. As a forty-ish man I tried the online dating route fo a couple of years and it was an emotionally draining and soul crushing waste of time. When things didn’t work out for me instead of ranting and raving about how unfair the world is and questioning my value and self-worth I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t me that was the problem. It was the process. A process that is a nice idea in theory, but in practice is fundementally flawed with a disconnect between what the expectations are between what men and women use online dating for. Thus the system is broken and doesn’t work well for either. So I just don’t do it anymore and if you’re like me and feel the same way then do as I am doing. Get out and do something. Get a life, live a life and share a live with others.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Bren! It’s more about getting it right on one site rather than being on more than one site without giving it your very best shot. In the next few weeks I’ll be offering you a new program that helps you do everything from writing a great profile to writing emails that get opened and making good choices in men. This will help you a ton. Keep an eye out. You just have to know some things to help you do online dating the right way. Otherwise it’s frustrating and it doesn’t really get you anywhere. Keep being good to yourself and learning. I’m here for you! Bp
Christine says:
Hey Troy what state do you live in?? You seem like a great catch. I myself have been divorced for 9yrs and still at the dating game. Wish we could connect, one never knows how one could meet theirlast first date.! Christine
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Chelsea! I know this can seem so frustrating…I’ve been there. Your story also sounds just like that of so many women I’ve coached through to finding a wonderful man. I can’t give you the answer here, but I DO have the answer. Here are a couple articles, and if you are interested in talking about how I can support you personally, send me an email at bobbip@datelikeagrownup.com. When you say “I’m told I intimidate men” that rings bells for me. I’m expert at helping women just like you! (You are so not alone, btw!) With support, Bp
https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/2012/10/two-things-to-attract-smart-men/
https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/2014/06/what-grownup-men-really-want-from-you-on-a-date/
Chelsea says:
Hi Bobbi, I am 44, a divorced woman with 2 tweens at home. I’ve been told I’m very attractive, I’m a professional, who makes 6 figures, own my home, in great physical shape, have a masters degree and a great personality. I’m told I intimidate men. In my profile on match I have stated that character is more important than looks, income or education, but still people look at my profile, but don’t email me.
What am I doing wrong? Chelsea
Chris says:
As a 50-year-old man with years of marriage under his belt, good years mostly, I don’t understand the complaints of women here who write that they get no hits on Match or wherever. I always try to respond to someone my age who seems like she’d be fun to talk to and who looks outdoorsy. From my sitdowns, the common denominator is that women would rather be alone than settle, Women write that down, they post it on the Internet, and they tell it to me personally: sorry, no settling.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Troy. I’m glad you left your comment, though it makes me sad. You actually sound like a lot of women I’ve talked to. I hear the disappointment that has turned into bitterness, and anger…it’s all there. You know that there are a ton of good women out there, don’t you? I’m going to tell you what I tell women in your position. (Yes, they have the same stories of horrid online dating experiences.) Please consider that your presentation online isn’t a good one. Whatever you had in your profile and/or pictures wasn’t representing you as the man you described above. There was probably something missing or, more likely, something there that was turning good women off. What may be equally true is that after some bad experiences you became jaded, hurt and pissed off. So maybe your compassion for the women you were in contact with was less than stellar.
Again, I’m telling you exactly what I tell women in your situation. I KNOW for a fact that there are countless fabulous people online looking for love. It’s your responsibility to put yourself out there in an attractive way AND to approach people with kindness and openness.
I hope you can take a deep breath and consider some of what I said. The fact is that you can be more in charge of your experience. Just like every woman here, I SO want to see you find a wonderful partner who loves and adores you. Don’t give up. Start thinking of how else you can approach this challenge. There are other ways that work!
Oh, and Troy, a friendly warning: I suggest you keep our feminism out of the discussion until you can have a meaningful exchange of ideas about it. People interpret that word in many ways and it is very highly charged. I understand that our independence and other masculine behaviors in this day and age can be very confusing to men. But trust me, if you want to piss any woman off, attack the very thing that allowed us to have political power, have careers and plan (ie control) our own lives. Throwing out the “F Bomb” like that is dangerous stuff, my friend.
Sending you positive thoughts, Bp
PS: Ladies, I want you to read Troy’s comment with the kindness and compassion of a grownup woman. He is hurt. He is disappointed. You know the feeling. Just please do this before you shoot back some nasty comment. (Now, if you read it that way and still want to be nasty, go for it!)
Troy says:
I am a 40ish SWM, who was on match for 12 months, and during that period my profile was viewed OVER 7000 times! YES, A man that over seven thousand women took a look at and walked away from without a second thought. Out of that insane number I went out with only 4 women, ONE TIME, and I was even willing to give those a shot at redemption even though they were all late, poorly dressed, snotty, and crass about the male oppression of a first date.
For background, I’m a former special forces operator, published writer, professional entertainer, and small business owner as well as a great dancer who also brings a massive list of other skills and various perks to the table.
The most “impressive” introductory note I was sent consisted of 5 total words, that’s it!! The best any of those women could ever string together was barely a sentence, so much for great communication huh?. I replied to EVERY note, regardless of what the woman looked liked, their age, education or social status. Those that I did fancy and wrote to, which was in the hundreds always looked at my page, and read my note 90% of time BUT each one was rude, entitled, stuck up, and had absolutely nothing to offer! Very few were were even mildly appealing, but I gave them all a chance anyway.
Just so you know, I don’t do sleaze, or robo mails, since I’m sure that will come up as a defense for why all those women 40+ who are so desperate to find a “good man” couldn’t be bothered to put even the slightest effort in their quest for that Mr successful beefcake Perfection fantasy!
All I saw there, and every other dating site I’ve tried is a never ending stream of single mothers, vine swingers, unkempt and classless women who wasted their youth on thugs and were looking for someone to pick up the tab for their lifetime of bad choices and mistakes.
You wanna know where the all the “good men” are? We left, we are tired of the abuse, the feminism, the entitlement, and the insults!
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Steven, I’m SO glad to get your comment. I can say 1000 times that the men-want-younger-women belief is a myth, but it helps so much to hear it from you. Women over 50 ARE spectacular when we let ourselves just enjoy men and have fun. Thank you! Please keep sharing with us! Bp
Steven Golub ( SG) says:
G’day Bobbi,
I am a man who is 53 yo and I personally feel that “girls” below 45 are way to young for me, I went out recently, dancing in the most remote capital city on Planet Earth and that is Perth. Well, I met 5 wonderful ladies (in the same group) and all aged in their 50’s. I had an absolute ball!!!!
Some thoughts as related to your delightful article, which is rather timely and indeed needed:
1. A man needs a woman in his group, because believe or not girls we love to communicate with somebody who knows where we are coming from (i.e. historical, current affairs and lifestyle, we find it simply sassy when a woman/women can appreciate our world of events)
2. A man needs a woman of his own age group, because as he gets older
Mike Bernsten says:
I think there are more available men than many women think. If you talk about online dating, maybe you just don’t pay any attention to them because of a poor profile.
Not to sound mean, but I have met a lot of women who always say they are so lonely, but they have such high expectations that no man would be able to live up to it. Actually, I don’t see why anyone should have to either, but that’s your choice I guess.
Many of us are not great talkers when it comes to women, and women will pass those guys by all the time. So, what she said about lowering standards makes sense. You just form a snap judgment because he can’t talk well. What about the rest of him? Believe me, men get so sick and tired of that trait women do have. Nor do we see what good it really does you.
One thing is, a decent amount of single men that are around 40 or so may not want to get married for awhile. Could be divorced or whatever.
I could say more but this is only a comment, so I will stop here.
Thanks.
Georgia Gomez says:
The “Lighten up your requirements” dating advice hit me! This post is great! Thanks for sharing.
Lucy says:
Hi Bobby,
I’m 45 years old woman, divorce with two small kids, I’m but everyone said I look late 30’s, I take care myself physical, mental, financial and spiritual, I’m a happy person, but yes I do want a man on my side someone I can love and be loved.
But most of the guys they are interesting on me, they are not on my age range, or they not take well themselves, even not intellect is the same.
Most of man on my age has the same profile as mine, they not show any interesting on me.
Even if I start flirty, What do not know what to do it, to at least get one just one person, with the same profile I have be interesting on me.
What I’m doing wrong,
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Suzanne, Thanks for your comment. First, the “men want women younger” thing is a myth. I believed it for a long time too. Take a look at US Census facts here: https://www.facebook.com/DateLikeaGrownup/photos/a.163607208113.117752.99314408113/10152656036468114/?type=1&theater
66.9% of men MARRY women who are within 5years of their age. When you look online men put low ages because it’s their silly fantasty. But the PROOF is that they choose women who are close to their age.
I agree that if you take 2000 single men many will be “unacceptable” partners for you. But I would literally bet that if you had an open mind and open heart, at least a handful of them would be men you’d want to spend time with and get to know. And ultimately, you only need ONE.
When you’re online and see a guy you like, if you’re a few years within his high range, ignore it! Write him. I’ve seen tons of times when men respond to women who are older than their silly profile criteria. If they like you, most really don’t care. (With the exception of when they want kids, of course.)
Suzanne, if you hold on to a kind of negative scarcity thing, instead of feeling positive and consciously looking for what’s right in the men you meet (instead of what’s wrong)…you will miss so many good men. There’s a fantastic man out there for you if you’re open to him. I’m hoping FOR YOU! With love, Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi JH, I agree, that does sound icky. But my point was just that: There are many men that women won’t take a second look at simply because of their initial appearance, but these are good men who deserve our attention. You can’t judge if someone would be a potential good mate simply by how they look. And many great looking guys (“9s or 10s”) have made women some pretty bad boyfriends and husbands.
There isn’t one word I’ve ever written that says women should “settle” for less than a man who will make her amazingly happy. (As you put it.) That is your narrow-minded jump to judgment; not my advice. I counsel women to be kind and have open hearts. Judging by your meanness toward me, I’m hoping that you can learn more about this some day. Wishing the best for you in the love department. Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Diana, I know it’s really frustrating. There’s a really good chance that your profile isn’t written to attract the right men. Also,I strongly suggest (after you get a great profile) that you write to the men who interest you. It’s great that you have good pics, but there is still more you can do. Keep learning how you can help yourself. I work with women every day who are meeting really nice men online. (Just like I did.) Bp
Diana says:
Gosh,
I was on Match 3 months ago in my huge major city, and even with my spiffy new pictures, the only responses i got from my new profile were guys in their 50s who were the most horrible I’d ever talked to.
I’m 42. I took the hint and got on TInder. My pool was younger but also very casual.
I really have no clue what you are talking about.
The guys my age weren’t responding.
JH says:
First of all – it’s kind of icky that you call guys “6 or 7’s”
You seem a little like a 6 or 7 yourself… Are you giving this advice to women who may be over-reaching? Maybe not taking care of themselves as well as they should like you?
The goal is not to get any man – but to find a relationship that is mutually amazing.
You say you want a man who adores you – but don’t you want to adore the guy you are with too?
Settling does not seem like the answer to me.
Suzanne says:
Dear Bobbi,
I have no doubt you found over 2,000 men over 40 with that criteria when you “shopped” on Match.com. The real issues are:
a. how many of those 2,000 were interested in women over 40? If you go back to your search
results, check to see how many had women between 44-49 in their acceptable “willing to date”
spectrum.
b. how many of those 2,000 weren’t impaired.
The question isn’t do single men over 40 exist. Of course they do! The question is do they want to date women over 40 and/or are they socially, emotionally, and physically healthy?