What Turns Men On About Moms, Caretakers and Workaholics

Do you feel stuck in some definition of yourself that you think renders you undatable or uninteresting to men? I received a comment in response to my blog post Just Be Yourself And You Will Easily Attract The Right Man that was all about this. Give it a read, especially if you are dating after 40 and worry that you aren’t the woman that grownup men are looking for.

Dear Bobbi,

I’ve been subscribed to your newsletter/ blog for ages and really identify with your previous self as I know many other women do. But I was married and have 3 gorgeous daughters They are my success and no prospective partner really wants to hear my journey raising them over the past 20 years coz that is really all I have done.
Cheers,
Marisa

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Hi Marisa! I’m going to challenge what you said about “it’s all” you have done. Raising good children is the most important, difficult and meaningful job in the world. It’s a huge accomplishment. In order to do it you must have patience, and creativity, and resourcefulness, and compassion, and courage and LOVE (just to name a few attributes). Those are qualities men are looking for in women.

It’s not what you’ve DONE it’s who you ARE. I think you’re stuck in some false belief that you have to be some exciting mountain climber to snag a man. For most men, they want you to be a wonderful woman who is kind, smart (which I know you are because you’re here!) and able to be a loving, fun partner. That’s you, isn’t it?

I’m sure you have a list of things you’re now looking forward to doing that the right man would love to do with you.. Men love being able to introduce their partner to new things and explore new things together. Time to consider SHIFTING any false belief here, Marisa. Go out, be that woman that your daughters love…I bet she’s gorgeous too!! Hugs, Bp

I’ve been thinking some more about Marisa’s note to me because I hear variations on this theme from so many women. Women who have full, challenging lives but also feel they don’t have enough to say to a man.

I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to speak four languages or scuba dive or have two master’s degrees to make interesting conversation with a man. But you do have to be in touch with who you “are,” not just with what you “do.”

Marisa is right when she says that a prospective partner does not want to hear (too much) about her children. Guys want to see you as a sensual, feminine being, and staying in mommy/caretaker/business woman mode…these all kill this feeling for them. It prevents them from seeing you as a Woman. (Caps intended.)

What he does want to hear about is your life experience from YOUR perspective. How you learned how creative you are after volunteering at the school fundraisers, and how much money you helped. Or how, after raising three girls, you could write a book about nurturing communication, conflict resolution and empathy. You definitely want to tell him how proud you are of raising three independent, kind young women AND how excited you are for this new phase in your life.

The important thing is that YOU see yourself as more than just your kid’s mother – or your company’s employee, or your parent’s caregiver. That you are in touch with and can express yourself as a whole human being…someone with talent, personality, dreams, relationships, opinions and accomplishments.

If you feel stuck on this, try asking your friends and family about how they see you. What qualities do they notice and admire in you? What do they love about you? As them when they think of you what images pop up? What do they think you have to offer a romantic relationship? Yes, this can be a little scary to do, but trust me, it will be a magnificent experience for you! I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised when you see yourself in a their light.

Whether you’ve been spending your prior years as a mommy, a care-giver or a worker-bee, I understand that it’s difficult to see yourself as anything else. Remember, above all you are a unique, special WOMAN.

Take some time and get to know her. I bet you’ll see a multi-dimensional woman? And when you do, he will too.