A single man I know once said: If a woman I’m interested in doesn’t seem to love herself, why should I love her…and trying to convince her that she’s great would be too f—ing exhausting.
When a man meets this kind of woman he may be attracted initially, but after figuring out that she is a project (one he doesn’t care to take on), he will soon disappear. Your phone won’t ring after the first or second date because if you’re not keen on yourself, a good man takes that as a signal to run.
It makes sense. Think about how you judge a man as a good potential mate.
On the list of what you’re looking for in a man (c’mom…I know you have a list!) I bet “confidence” is way up there on the top. It’s human nature to be attracted to people who seem to truly like themselves. They make us feel safe and, heck, if they clearly know they are worthy of attention and admiration, we go along for the ride until we learn otherwise.
Confidence tops the list of both women and men when they describe what turns them on about the opposite sex. When men are asked what qualities most attract them to a woman as a partner (not just a playmate), confidence and authenticity are right up there.
Those two qualities go hand in hand. When you feel good about yourself, you have no need to be anyone but who you are. And when a man feels he’s seeing the real you — not a woman who is acting a certain way — that’s what makes him feel super safe. (Yes, men want to feel safe in a relationship just as much as women.) When a man is attracted to you and feels there are no surprises around the corner, he allows himself to go for it because he feels comfortable with his choice.
So…the $64M question is this: how does one show confidence so you can attract the right man?
Again, think about how you see this in men. A confident man is clear about what he wants in life and shows he is going after it. He doesn’t let others mistreat him. He greets people with comfortable eye contact. He is open about who he is, what he’s accomplished, what he cares about and what makes him happy. He makes meaningful connections with others. (This last part is what separates the pleasantly confident man from the it’s-all-about-him-so-don’t- waste-your-time man; it’s the listening thing.)
Men like that attract you, right? And then when you learn more about him and you connect on the real stuff…bingo!
Now, think about exactly what he is doing to show up as Mr. Confident:
- He feels good about who he is. (He has learned to love himself!)
- He talks about himself.
That’s it. It’s really that simple. When you put yourself out there openly, honestly and in a positive light, you will magnetize the right people. And if you can’t do this, I’m not overstating to say that you will not meet your perfect life partner. Someone has to know you to be able to choose you.
This is exactly why the first step in my 6-Step Find Hope and Find Him coaching system is helping you get to know and appreciate yourself in a deep and honest way…and then share who you are with other people.
This is not a skill most women possess. To actually love oneself and talk about oneself seems self-centered and braggadocios. This is especially true for those of us gals who are dating over-40. A lady just doesn’t do that!
Welp, sister, get over it. It’s a skill you can learn and I’m going to help you do it right here, right now. This is going to completely change the way you connect with — and attract — confident and available men. (It helps with all people, but men are what we care about here.)
I have a technique you can use to help you confidently express the real you and draw in the right man in a big way. At the same time it helps you get to know and love yourself! It’s a bit of a trick. I call it “Getting to the Because.” Because statements look like this:
“I’m a hair dresser and I love it BECAUSE I get to be my own boss and be creative, I love helping people feel and look beautiful, and many of my customers end up being my lifelong friends.”
“I became a Dentist BECAUSE that’s what my parents wanted me to do. I’m good at it and I like it, but these days I focus more on what I want, which is to learn all I can about sailing so I can sail around the world some day.”
Do you see how using “because” makes it completely different than just spewing out your job title? I”m a hair dresser. I’m a dentist. Snoooooze.
Using this one word helps you share some really juicy stuff about your character, personality, values and dreams. All in a sentence or two.
And here’s the icing on the cake: it also helps you learn about yourself! For instance, you can complete these sentences to help you pull out your “nuggets” – those tidbits about yourself that would help your date really get to know you:
- I’m a good mom because…
- I like to vacation in Hawaii because…
- My ultimate dream for my life is to…because….
- I like to hike because…
Go ahead and do this exercise. I do this almost every day with women I coach and what comes out of their mouth always surprises them and is super delightful. You can also practice your because statements on friends and family.
If you start using this today I guarantee you that your connections and conversations will change for the better. Instantly. Let me know how it goes for you!
What about us single women over 60? Confidence is a great value, but a lot of men my age seem to want women in there 40’s or early 50’s.
It’s tougher to be confident when you’re looked at as being too old.no matter how awesome you are.