How do you find quality men? You know…the ones I tell you that are everywhere? If you have uttered the words “there are no good men out there” I have this question for you:
Will you know him when you see him?
There seem to be three common reasons why women feel they aren’t connecting with quality men. Maybe one or more of these are preventing you from meeting your special man.
When I ask women what qualities they want in a man, I hear the usual traits: honesty, affection, humor, etc. What they are lacking is a deeper vision. A list of adjectives isn’t enough to help you get to know him.
Ask yourself:
If you are meeting men but not feeling attracted to any, I encourage you to revisit and replace your story of the “perfect man.” What is your grownup version…one that satisfies your needs as the Woman you are today. (Capitol W intentional.)
This Woman has the life experience that tells her what truly matters and what she needs in order to feel loved and fulfilled by a man.
She accepts herself as imperfect and accepts that in others.
Chemistry is great – for a short while. I mean seriously: how’s that working for you so far?
Lori Gottlieb says in her book Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough that 10’s don’t really exist – not in real life. She talks intelligently about healthy compromise.
Ms. Gottlieb is not saying (nor am I) that we should compromise on the important stuff; only that a lot of things on our long list are not really important to your long-term happiness. They just serve your short-term “buzz” and have nothing to do with finding quality men.
Most women are looking for men who are their biggest fans, are confident and go after what they want, are able to be open about their feelings, and are absolutely faithful (just to name a few).
How can you possibly know that in the time it takes to drink a cup of coffee?
In that time you can tell if he’s good-looking and if you feel an instant attraction. Chemistry is great – for a short while. I mean seriously: how’s that working for you so far?
It’s your realistic and grownup must-haves that count. Unless he’s drunk, stinky, or cusses like a sailor…could you please just give him a break? You’ll be doing yourself a favor by staying longer or accepting that next date, and then relating with an open mind and open heart.
When you do I guarantee you’ll meet a lot more quality men.
A woman who deep-down doesn’t feel worthy or trust herself to make good decisions can unconsciously attract men who are less-than and deter the good guys.
As a woman who dated for 30 years, I know every way there is to avoid meaningful connections and deep feelings. My mantra went like this:
There are no good men, so I’m better off alone.
Voila! I gave myself permission to give up on finding a great man to share my life.
When I was single I hardly ever met men who I thought were smart, kind, trustworthy, and charming. Now that I’m happily married, I meet them all the time. I don’t think it’s a coincidence.
When you’re clear about what truly matters for a meaningful relationship; when you are open to genuinely getting to know and connecting with the men you’re meeting; quality men will be everywhere.
And one will be Your One.
Jess says:
I keep meeting “single” dads (which is great. I was raised by one and I can have kids of my own) except it’s a lie. I end up finding out they are married and making up elaborate stories about their “ex” wives. Some tried to play the widow card. I always found these men projected success, but in fact the wen they are married to are the successful ones and always at work allowing them to cheat. After the 4th one, I gave up. I’m 37 and my friends are running into the same issue. We have to nearly perform background checks before we even meet them! Dating isn’t fun anymore, it feels like a job except there is no reward for going through the process. There has to be a better way. Maybe it’s my age.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Maria. I’m sorry this seems so difficult for you. You seem like such a lovely woman. It sounds like you could benefit greatly by doing some work with a counselor to help you gain some deserved self-esteem. Please consider seeking that help. You don’t have to be alone or in relationships that don’t make you happy!
Maria says:
Hi,
I am so tired of feeling like there is no one out there for me. After 3 failed marriages (knowing I didn’t love them and feeling like it was the best I could do…settling) I just want a simple trusting loving relationship. I am so afraid that there will be no one who will love me and have my back forever. I am 57 years old and realistically, that makes things difficult. I don’t know where to meet anyone, I have limited friends and I have a bit of social anxiety so it is hard for me. I need to learn how to love myself as well. I am a nice, kind, hard working woman. I am very affectionate and I couldn’t hurt anyone…not a mean bone in my body. IOne of my biggest flaws is I can talk too much, and that is out of nervousness, but I am a very nice person…maybe to a fault. I need help and guidance in finding someone that would be good for me. I just don’t know where to start and at this point, I lack confidence and need to get that back. Someone help me with this?
Bobbi Palmer says:
I’m so glad you’re here! Bp
Vanessa Redmond says:
I am so happy I came across this blog! Great articles & even better advice. Keep up the good work! Thank you BP! 🙂
Bobbi Palmer says:
That’s a bummer, Rachel and I understand how hard it can be to do anything differently. But since you know it that means you can do something about it, right? Good news! I assume you don’t want to be alone so Get Help, sister. Find a counselor or coach that can help you start to trust, cuz that’s what this is all about. When you feel like you can trust yourself, the fear will subside. Wishing you the very best, Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
“Boys don’t like bookworms or fatsos.”…Are you freaking kidding me?! How dare they! Girlfriend, you have been the victim of people you’ve trusted telling you lie after lie. No wonder you feel the way you do. My heart breaks for you, however…you are now responsible for changing your life if you want something different. I am not qualified to be that person who can help you do that, but many people are. I encourage you to get some support from a counselor who is NOT affiliated in any way with people who are currently in your life. You need new perspectives and ideas because your beliefs that men don’t want a woman like you, that everyone else has figured this out but you, that somehow if you arent yet married it is hopeless… it’s ALL LIES. Please look for help. Hugs. Bp
Bitter Old Maid says:
Bobbi, I have a question.
Why try to marry after 45 or 50?
I’m bitter because I couldn’t marry when the time was right. 24 years ago.
I always wanted children and physically ache when I see them. But due to crappy life circumstances I was always in the wrong place at the wrong time and couldn’t flirt properly.
And I think I was uglier than all the other girls in college. Social anxiety too. And I developed a chronic illness at 20 it took years to control.
After college I couldn’t even find men to date. Till the internet. But I got sick of dating men who just wanted to play. That’s why I never married. If you wondered.
My question is: why bother now that my best years are gone, and I can’t have kids and we’ll be too old/used up to share any significant life experiences together? I would just be bitter and regret wasting my best years alone.
All the happy married people I know married before 25.
Disturbingly enough I can only find much younger men in their twenties attractive at this point. I keep daydreaming of what my life SHOULD have been. Better than my empty, hollow shell of an existence.
No, I am not a strong, successful CEO who trots the globe with gobs of disposable income. Just a lonely woman of 48 with a chronic illness who had to work from home long before Covid. Bad health and very socially awkward when young and all my friends are paired off.
I only have a cat to love or be loved by. I have enough for my physical needs. Not a materialist.
I never demanded men be over six feet and millionaires either. When I was still looking.
My only life experiences are the years of loneliness and heartbreak as I watched everyone else my age marry, have kids and lives. Then they would ignore or poke fun at me.
A string of pointless, stupid internet dates in my thirties that went nowhere. So I quit trying.
Some good things in my life. There are the books I write telling other people’s happy stories. I’m also an artist. The only thing I live for besides my cat and aging parents.
Maybe my eccentric ways are why no guy in high school or college wanted me? What the women at church told me when I broke down crying. They also told me to restrict my calories to 500 a day. “Boys don’t like bookworms or fatsos.”
But it’s too late now. Even if I found a man I could love/who could actually love me it’s too late for what I wanted. Everything that makes a marriage worth having is impossible now.
Everyone else had a fairy tale wedding at the right time when young and full of energy. A real marriage where they spent their lives together and made babies. But a crappy “sunset wedding” to a semi-senile old widower late in life is supposed to be good enough for me.
“What’s to celebrate? Nothing.”
What I’d put on our marriage announcements. Lined with black borders.
Better just read and write books and dream of what romantic love ought to be and could have been. The handsome young man and passionate romance and properly timed marriage I missed out on. All the sweet babies. The children and grandchildren…
Rachel says:
Every time I read about the scaredy cat, I just cry because I know that’s me. I’m more of a terrified cat, though. I’ll run and hide under the bed the first chance I get.
Bobbi Palmer says:
HW, I adore you! Your view in life and love is remarkable. It really is that simple: live a happy life with an open heart. Know your worth as a beautiful person and expect others to respect that. You said it much more beautifully than I, but that’s my summary. Thanks for your words. I’m passing them on to so many women who need to hear. Bp
H W Lamb says:
Bobbi – ten years ago and you were spot on!
I hope your life is as wonderful now as then!
So often I see people going for the superficial. It’s made me question life, concepts of karma, God and myself, but the introspection always leads back to the reality of the self – ‘be true to yourself’.
That said, sure none of us are as young as we were yesterday and life goes on.
Yes, I used to date cheerleaders and babes, and 2 divorces later I paid that price. So now I am older, I hope wiser, and yes, bald too. Pity-pot time – I think not! In my mind I am the best I have ever been. And I realize a pretty face don’t mean a pretty heart. (P.S. – testosterone off the scale but so what? I don’t want sex, I want intimacy!)
Ladies; your crows feet, your cellulite, your flabby arms, your need for glasses, on and on, blah blah — rejoice in your wisdom, ability to smile and avoidance of (I hope) soul-sucking, usurious men, hiding under the cover of “you need them”. Your only ‘problem’ is what to do today to increase your happy life. Their life is their problem, BUT one does need to see the forest through the trees. Do you want to be right (with Mr. Perfect) or do you want to be happy? And we men have the same question. Smell the roses, share your love or probably die alone! Remember, love is a given thing – it’s not an asset, it’s a gift you give!
Bobbi Palmer says:
I am completely unqualified to answer your question. Sorry. Probably need to ask that to your religious advisor. Bp
Bobbi Piper says:
I have been on several dating sites and so many times (nearly all times) the men turn out to be scammers so it has made me quite nervous about trusting them. I have however found one right now that I’m not completely sure about but he seems to be very attracted to me, We are both widowed and I have a question, the bibles 7th commandment is to not commit to adultery! That is going out of wedlock for sex with someone else. Is it a sin for 2 widowed people in love to be intimate before marriage? We are both in 80’s n not thinking of marriage.
Barbara says:
Very good point!
Kim says:
Heather, I’m coming late to the party, and I only want to add one thing to this thread: There are a zillion dating sites out there. Please don’t limit yourself to just the one you’re using where you found the one viable prospect in two years. Check ’em all out if you have to; there’s gotta be at least a couple that have the guys you’re looking for. Good luck and always remember to have fun!
Heather says:
Funny, I totally have the ‘I dare you’ attitude, that’s exactly how I think of it. I didn’t think anyone else did that. I suffered from a lot of rejection when I was young so I guess no standard or sensible dating advice can ever really apply to me until I get over that. I just hope I can before it’s too late.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hey Heather….
When you say “it’s not like I had too much invested in making this work” I can only think that that comes through in your actions when you’re on a date. Men are more intuitive than you think. If you’re giving off the “whatever” vibe…he’ll pick it up and you surely won’t hear from him again.
This can also be a reason you’re not getting asked out. I know that was my issue for a very long time. I had that “I dare you” exterior and was always on guard against rejection. That was very hard to penetrate, and really no guys ever tried. (Which was smart of them because I really wasn’t ready to be a good partner to anyone.)
Now…best not to write back right away. Give it a think first, okay?
Heather says:
It is very valuable to know yourself well enough to know what is and isn’t going to work for you in a relationship or a mate. However, if nobody asks you out, how do you use this ‘dealbreaker’ strategy to weed out the ones who won’t work? You need to start with something, right?
For instance, I went out on a date with a guy I met through an online dating site last night. He definitely wasn’t my ‘type’, but he seemed all right so I gave him a shot. I actually was starting to like him, but at the end of this date, I got the feeling I wouldn’t be hearing from him again. This is fine, it’s not like I had too much invested in making this work. The problem is that I know that I’m not going to be scheduling any dates in the near future because this was the first viable prospect I’ve had from this dating website in about 2 years. And he was a smoker – which is a real dealbreaker for me.
Sorry to bring down the party, but for some of us these time tested dating strategies do not seem to apply.
Bobbi Palmer says:
LOL Natalie! Yup, you got it. I coulda just said that and saved the other 200 words I wrote. Right on!
Natalie says:
Okay, if I’m correct, I think we have to decide what our “dealbreakers” are and then keep an open mind and don’t judge too quickly. So hard to do yet so necessary!
Michelle E. Vasquez says:
Heather, I’m sending you lots of love! Michelle
Heather says:
Yes, it isn’t working for me, but as long as I keep seeing other matched couples like this I’m going to want it for myself and I’m going to believe it’s possible for me too.
Heather says:
BTW – I’m not saying these things to be a pain in the rear end. 🙂
Heather says:
Well, thank you for allaying my fears. I have a specific aversion to men who are bald, have facial hair, and those who have no style. Unfortunately they tend to make up the vast majority of the men I’m meeting these days. It’s very disheartening for me.
I’m not a ’10’ and I really am not looking for a ’10’, physically anyway. I don’t have the outlandish wish list or expect perfection, I’m just having a lot of trouble adjusting to the reality of the male population who are available to date. The way I see it, I don’t look like a mom and I don’t want to be seen about with a guy who looks like a dad.
It’s a cultural thing with me – perhaps an ill-conceived one – that I want someone of my own ‘kind’ to date. I will refuse anyone I don’t feel is compatible with me that way. I’m sort of a low-key artsy/Gothy woman. I wear black and dye my hair and love art and music. I wouldn’t see myself with anyone other than an artsy/Gothy guy. It’s just the way I feel things should be. I suppose that’s a HUGE limiting belief right there!
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Heather:
Yup, grownup dating sure does involve attraction. Maybe it’s just a broader interpretation of it.
When we talk about settling, here’s how I understand it: It means you should take that list of 50 things you think your man must have, and get serious about what truly matters and what you need to live a healthy happy life with someone. It means realizing that we are all human and there is no such thing as a perfect man out there. If you’re looking for the man who is gorgeous, brilliant, hysterical, romantic, wealthy, likes the same things you do, wants to live in the same place you do, has a great relationship with his mother and sister, worships as you do, agrees with you all the time, loves you no matter how you treat him, etc. etc. etc….you may need to prepare to live your life alone. Not that there aren’t men out there that have a good percentage of all these great qualities; but probably no one has all, and you may not be giving guys a long enough look to get to all of them anyway.
I would never e-v-e-r encourage anyone to partner with someone they weren’t in love with. What I would be is encourage you to do some deep reflection and see what makes you happy over and above a man who is attractive. Every time I see my husband my heart flutters. Yes, he’s attractive (certainly to me) but he makes me tingle because when I’m with him I feel loved, valued, and adored; because I respect his intellect and his integrity , because we laugh together, and because I always know I can be 100% safe being myself with him. That’s what I want for you.
I”m not saying you should pick a guy who you’re not attracted to; no way. But I know many bald “schlumpy” looking guys who are spectacular husbands and life partners. Maybe you can give these guys more of chance when you meet them and see if, when you do find these other qualities…he looks better to you.
Heather says:
I can take the bad with the good, but tell me I get some good with the bad! 😉
Michelle E. Vasquez says:
As a widow and a relationship coach with a growing specialty working with widows and widowers to help them love again after loss, I recently purchased Widowed, by Dr. Joyce Brothers.
I read the first few pages with tears in my eyes as she talked about inventing “the widow game” for a client who complained that her husband was so dull and boring that she fantasized about divorcing him, having an affair, or having a life without him.
Having experienced the loss of a wonderful husband who was fun, exciting, a great lover, playful, willing to kill the bugs for me, protective of me, handsome (always to me), a wonderful ballroom dancer, and also boring, grumpy, snoring, always late, and often obsessive compulsive, I understood what Dr. Brothers was getting at.
The total package of a potential life partner is not all fun and games. I am not always an exciting person to be around, contrary to what others may tell you ;-). Though I loved my late husband dearly, he was also a human being. He loved me despite my imperfections. I loved him for the whole package, too.
Heather says:
Please tell me I have a chance to be ‘in love with’ my future husband, and I don’t have to ‘learn to love’ him. I’ve done that several times in my life and in retrospect it seems to have been a mistake. Please tell me that grown up dating still involves real chemistry and attraction!
BTW – I really hate that Lori Gottlieb article. She’s absolutely right that having kids is not glamourous work, which is the main reason I chose not to take that path in life. But to make that decision and still be stuck with the schlumpy/boring balding guy? Never!
Michelle Enis Vasquez says:
Bobbi, you are spot on! Getting clear about what you require for a relationship to work versus a laundry list of adjectives to describe your dream man is a grown up way to date.
The coaching questions you included in this post are very specific. I hope your readers take the time to answer them honestly and thoroughly. If they are serious about letting go of the limiting belief that there are no good men out there, they would do well to do this work.
I appreciate that you encourage women to let go of the need to make an instant connection or move on quickly. Yes, two or three dates can give a woman a much better picture than the one date over coffee. Take care, Michelle