The Complicated Truth About What Single Men Want On a Date

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Have you ever wondered what single men want from you? You go out on a date, you have fun, you have great conversation, you think you showed up as your best, and you want to see him again…

but he never calls.

Really…what the hell do men want? What makes a man feel compelled to see you again and again?

The answer is here. Read the article carefully. It may be the most important thing you ever learn about men.

What women want. (Most smart ones)

Let’s start with what YOU want. I’ve been coaching women who are dating after 40 for well over a decade. Here is what the vast majority of women tell me most turns them on on a first date:

Stimulating Conversation!

I get it. Smart men are a turn on!

When it comes to deciding who they want to get to know, men seem to tap into how they FEEL while women focus on intellectual connection. It seems counter-intuitive, doesn’t it?

You want exciting conversation. You want to be with a man you can learn from. You also want to be sure he knows that you, too, are smart and that he values and respects that.

Smart, educated, clever, interesting, women like you want to make this kind of intellectual connection with men. That’s what excites you. That’s what tells you that he’s someone you want to spend more time with.

How’s that working for you?

I like smart guys as much as you do. But you’re looking for a great mate; not just a great date, right?

I’m sure you’ve met many a man whose intellect attracted you in early dates, but who turned out to be a cad, unemotionally available, boring, or worse.

What about whether he will treat you and your loved ones kindly? Or whether you can feel safe with him, trust him, and count on him? What about whether his values, hopes, and dreams align with yours?

Intellect is definitely a turn-on, but it has very little to do with what brings and keeps men and women together as a romantic couple. 

What single men want. (Most grownup ones.)

Strangely, men tend to understand this better than women.

Stimulating conversation is nowhere near the top of the list of what most men want from you on a date.

What men want is best expressed in one of my favorite quotes:

A man reserves his true and deepest love-tenderly drowsy

For a moment, try to put yourself in the shoes of a single man who is looking for the woman he wants to be with every day for the rest of his life.

The confident, accomplished, grounded man you want to spend your life with has likely spent most of his days in an emotionally controlled state; focusing on his accomplishments, beating the competition, and taking on his responsibilities.

What, you say? You do that too?

Here’s a difference: you have your girlfriends.

You have the women in your life to share feelings with, to listen to you, to tell you that yes, things suck and they feel for you. You give each other hugs. You support each other with advice and compliments. You laugh and cry with each other.

Men don’t have these feeling-oriented relationships unless they have it with a woman. (Yes I’m generalizing. But it’s almost always true.)

When a man is with a woman he wants to be able to r-e-s-t. He wants to be able to shed his proverbial suit, ditch the requirement to be strong and perform.

He just wants to be a nice man who is enjoying time with a nice woman.

Yes, he wants intellectual stimulation. But in order for him to feel romantic about you, he needs more. He needs to feel tenderly drowsy.

A man needs to feel he can trust you and be trusted.

He wants to be accepted for who he is and be given the latitude to be imperfect.

He wants to feel like he’s appreciated.

He wants to like himself and feel like a good MAN when he sees himself in your eyes.

And, yes, he wants to have fun!

What does a man want from you? It’s simple. He wants to feel good.

It may not be conscious, but I see this over and over again. I know it’s true of my husband. He said that when I “flitted in” to the coffee shop when we met it made him smile. It made him feel good. He liked being in my presence.

This isn’t too different from what you ultimately want, right? To feel safe, accepted, appreciated?

That’s why you are not connecting.

This is why so many women aren’t finding partners!  After years of helping women over 40 date and fall in love, here is what I’ve learned:

One of the most common reasons smart, independent women aren’t making connections on dates, aren’t attracting the men they like, and are missing some really good men is because they are focusing on making a mental connection rather than a heart connection.

Yes, he wants intellectual stimulation. But in order for him to feel romantic about you, he needs more. (And don’t you?)

Isn’t this funny?

When it comes to deciding who they want to get to know, men seem to tap into how they FEEL while women focus on intellectual connection. It seems counter-intuitive, doesn’t it?

Knowing this can you see why there are so many missed connections?

This phenomenon, btw, is often misconstrued as men being intimidated by your intellect or by your accomplishments. Or maybe that men don’t want a smart woman like you.

Yah, there are some men like that. But not most.

What men want that they’re not getting from you is your kindness, softness, openness, happiness, passion, and compassion.

Men want your gorgeous femininity.

Let me assure you of something: The guys you want will like intellectual conversation, they want you to be smart, and they will love that you’re independent and accomplished.

But when you show up leading with your smarts and trying to make that intellectual connection, good men turn off. You may have a great conversation but he’s not calling you for a second date.

But they don’t need that from you.

Test yourself.

Here is an exercise to help you determine how you are approaching your dates and help you uncover the woman who can easily make deeper connections with the men you date (and choose):

Step 1: Scenario #1.

Imagine being somewhere where you are with people who bring out the best in you. When you’re with them, you enjoy and like yourself. You are the best version of yourself.

Maybe it’s a weekend getaway or a long afternoon lunch with girlfriends, maybe you’re with your family, or doing volunteer work…but it’s somewhere that involves interaction.

Imagine yourself there, with these people that you like and trust.

Now…take a step back and watch yourself.

How are you being? How are you interacting? What are you doing or not doing? What are you doing with your body? What is your tone of voice? What are you thinking and how are you feeling…about them and about yourself? 

When I have my coaching clients do this exercise, they usually tell me they are relaxed, laughing, touching, talking, present, smiling, sharing, listening, and having fun. They are being confident, loving, playful, nurturing, and open.

How about you? Write down what you observed about yourself in this situation.

Step 2: Scenario #2.

Take a deep breath.

Now, imagine yourself on a first date with a man you have interest in. You’re sitting across from him at a restaurant, lounge, or coffee shop.

How are you being with him? How are you interacting? What are you doing or not doing? What are you doing with your body? What is your tone of voice? What are you thinking and how are you feeling…about him and about yourself? 

Write down what you observed about yourself in this situation.

Step 3: Are you different?

Now compare. How are you being with people who you feel connected to versus men you are meeting?  Are you showing up as the same woman?

99% of the time I hear a resounding “No!”  I’m not the same at all!

Most women are very different on dates. Either more reserved or overly ebullient. Often they are waiting for him to make them feel safe. Maybe they are so worried about impressing him that they are caught up in self-talk, future-thinking, or over-thinking.

Maybe it depends on the decision they’ve made in the first few minutes. If they are turned on they are present and actively participating. If they are turned off they are shut down or closed off.

So how about it?

What’s different? How might that be affecting your ability to make the kind of heart connection that serious, grownup men are looking for?

What if you were acting the same with him as you did with the people in Step 1 above? Do you think it might change anything in your dating experience?

I know smart is hot, but believe me after spending time with a man who prioritizes you, shares his passions with you, shows up when he says he’s going to, focuses on making you and the people you love happy, and supports you in all you do…you will LOVE THAT! That is the ultimate turn-on!

When you’re reciting resumes, discussing your views on global warming, or comparing the countries you visited this is not conversation that leads to any kind of intimate connection. It’s conversation that leads to friendship.

Sure, you can talk endlessly after finding out that you both like to ski. But that doesn’t give either of you any meaningful information about whether you have the potential to enjoy any kind of partnership.

Men seem to get this.

Here’s what to do next.

First, do you wonder why that intellectual connection is so important to you? You know that you want that other stuff – safety, peace, intimacy, etc – but those smarts just really turn you on!

I hope I’ve helped you understand that intellectual connection as your litmus test is not working for you. It sends good men running and sends you after men who can’t make you happy. (Even though those smarts really turn you on.)

Click here to learn an entirely new way of judging men that will lead you to that exciting, loving, committed relationship you’ve been jonesing for.

Second, you may wonder how you start giving him what he wants so you can get what you want. When you go out with someone you like, how can you show him more of that lovely feminine side of you?

The good news is you already have what it takes. You just need help accessing it.

This article gives you step-by-step instruction on how to use “nuggets” to move from just sharing a bunch of facts and information to sharing meaningful, important things about one another. 

I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! Do you think this will help you on dates? Can you see how this difference has affected your dating in the past? LET ME KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS.

 

 

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