Dating is constant navigating, and if there’s one question I get asked frequently, it’s should I trust my intuition about men?
The short answer on this may surprise you:
NO.
Intuition is a fabulous quality, one that gives women a sixth sense in situations. And when it comes to keeping safe, knowing when our babies are coming down with something, even finding your way when you’re lost… yes, it’s a reliable radar system.
But girlfriend, when it comes to intuition and dating, I’m not so sure it’s serving you as well as you think. Women constantly push really good guys right out of their lives without even knowing it.
But my gut is always right, you say?
Hmmm…is it really?
Recently, I had a private client tell me about a date that lasted under an hour. And as she left, she just knew he wasn’t for her – that he had nothing going on.
(This same client, btw, happens to have a string of these experiences and is not meeting any “good men”, to hear her tell it.)
Bottom line: it’s important to balance your head and heart when you’re looking for Mr. Right (this is Principle #1 of dating like a grownup). Because we often say our intuition told us he’s not for me when really it’s just that you didn’t get the buzz.
And while I’m mentioning it, check out Principle #2 and Principle #3.
The buzz is that part of you that wants to be swept off your feet.
You know, the part of your brain that says he needs to make you laugh, have charisma and charm and, upon first meeting, be able to carry on a conversation with you sans any silence. You know…the conversation just “needs to flow.”
When meeting you for the very first time, very few men have the skill of unbridled wit and conversation. Read this if you want more perspective on why he may not wow you on the first date.
If there’s one thing I know about dating like a grownup, it’s that you need a man who makes you HAPPY, not one that gives you that feeling.
Finding a good man is just too important to treat superficially, sister. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve encouraged clients to give a man they didn’t find particularly hot a try – only to find, an hour into the date, that he was really attractive to her – and with time gave her LOTS of that feeling!
So give him a try (an honest, no-judgments try).
Should you feel some spark? You bet, but keep your expectation for SHAZAM in check. Then make your decision with your head and your heart. You just might be surprised who you find.
PS – This is pretty much my story too! If I had gone with my instincts when I met Larry, I’d probably still be looking online. Thank goodness I hung around to find out what an incredibly loving and hot man he is. If you’re waiting around for some fantasy man, read this.
What do you think? I want to hear from you. Can you see how your intuition (aka quick judgment) may not work well for you? Should you trust your intuition about men?
And share with a single girlfriend. She will thank you.
Ms. Williams says:
Well you kind of got a point, I think we’re both right. My opinion is should I trust my intuition about man my answer is maybe the reason why I say this is because sometimes an intuition could be your inner voice trying to tell you something or better yet it could be God or worst the devil; no seriously. Anyways another reason why I say maybe is because you could be a Psychic… I mean a really good Psychic. By the way speaking of Psychic I think I’m one everything time I dream something it comes true rather the dream was good or bad, I sometimes feel like a spider web is on my face or as if I walked through a web but didn’t those are the signs of a Psychic plenty more. Every intuition I had as a kid is coming true today the good and the bad. I will not mention it for private reasons.
Elizabeth Rivera says:
Hi I have a good man who likes me but im showing trust issues I don’t want to ruin it.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Thanks Richard! I appreciate your comment. Please pass DLAGU on to whomever you think I can help Best to you! Bp
Richard says:
I thought the buzz was how Immortals sense eachother before engaging in ritual combat! But seriously, I just found your site a day or two ago, I really enjoy these articles. I find alot of dating advice to be empty platitudes, I like how you give practical, mature dating advice without coddling and reinforcing failing behaviors. I would suggest this site to both women and men even in their 20’s
Bobbi Palmer says:
Tracie, here is an article I wrote that might help: https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/why-you-keep-attracting-narcissists/ – Bp
Tracie says:
Hi Bobby,
I meet this Man at the shop where I get my hair done . We went on a few dates then started an exclusive relationship for about 5 months, then out of no where he started treating me really bad and I did not know why or what I had done to him. But my intuition was that he had meet someone else and wanted to move on. Long story short I was right ! he went back to his ex-wife, But I was left with hurt feelings. I am not sure why these thing keep happening to me But I would really like figure out what I am doing wrong when I am dating.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Thank YOU Scott! I’m happy you’re here and glad to have your feedback. Ladies…Let’s thank Scott and please pay attention to what he says. ok? Bp
Scott says:
Hi Bobbi- I recently started reading your stuff and really like it. On this topic, like my shrink once told me, think very hard about why you feel a certain way because your feelings might or might not be accurate. As another blogger says, feelings aren’t facts. I think you do provide some good things to evaluate your feelings against and I do find that a lot of women have very unrealistic expectations when meeting someone or having a relationship with them. Thank you.
Noquay says:
Ironically, not listening to my initial intuition has landed me in the soup, time and time again. I’ve given these dudes a second chance, it went OK for a while, followed by my being terribly hurt. In all cases, they turned out to be various permutations on emotionally unavailable, from a cheating narcissist, a coupla guys whose lives were chaos, to someone trying to date yet not truly over the loss of his late wife. In contrast, I always had good feelings around the man who’d eventually become my husband of 12 years. One dude, not rship material really repelled me. I dissed myself for feeling negative about him, thinking I was prejudiced against him due to his working class life and unkempt appearance. Turned out he’d raped both his daughters; I was there giving comfort when one of them was in horrid pain, giving birth. He was not. Re-learned to really listen to my instincts.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Michelle, Sorry he disappeared on you but it seems he’s moved on. Can’t tell you why, and it doesn’t really matter. Don’t let it hurt your feelings, sister. It’s likely not about you at all or anything you’ve done wrong. You really didn’t know him that well, remember that. So be clear that you’re feeling crappy about the THOUGHT of him…not about how amazing a man he actually is. If he was, he would have been more of a man and not just disappeared on you. This may help: why-you-should-be-happy-when-a-man-rejects-you-part-one-2 Bp
Michelle says:
Bobby,
I recently went out with an old work connection for 5 dates. He is very newly divorced and we were not exclusive. He was about to have a lot of travel, but he still managed to reach out 3 times with texts and photos (Valentine’s Day, and two times while he was in mexico) during his work and vacation spanning 2 weeks. I always responded really playfully and warm. I thought for sure I would hear from him when he got back, but he seems to have disappeared. He had texted on Thursday and was back on sat. It is now wed. Why on earth wish me a happy Valentine’s Day and contact me several times while on vacation and then fade out? My feelings are really hurt, and I feel confused. Thoughts? Did I do something wrong?
Andrea Takacs says:
Suzy, that is exactly how I feel. I did the same thing, kept going back for few more dates…but, nope, my feelings didn’t change and the men got angry because they fell for me.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Oh I LOVE that!!! Thanks Marsha! Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Thanks for your comment, Suzy. I hear what you’re saying. I just want you to go for that Spark based on things that give you a good indication of whether he’s a man who you could possibly be happy with. Like does he make you feel safe and special? Maybe you don’t feel like you want to jump in bed with him, but you want to get to know him better. Somewhere he connected with your heart…with your feelings. When that happens, I say give him a chance. Here’s another article. https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/your-ideal-man-isnt-who-you-think/ Hugs, Bp
Sarah says:
Nail on head!
I have done this a few times. It is that silly stupid “buzz” that leads me around by the nose and gets me in hot water…….or more like tepid icky water when that charming buzzy guy turns out to be a nothing more than a phony.
Letting things develop and seeing where it goes is where real buzz and genuine interest lie.
Thanks Bobbi! Your posts are the real deal!
Suzy says:
While I don’t think you need to be bowled over, personally, I would no longer go out on a second date (meaning after the ‘meet date’) with someone with whom I didn’t feel a spark.
I know many dating experts would advise otherwise but I have never found (at least for me) that a lack of attraction grows or changes over such a short period of time. For awhile I did make myself go out more than once with men simply because they were nice men and I hoped it would be enough to change the lack of attraction on my part – after all, I DID like them as people if not as ‘men.’ (I hope that makes sense, I in no way mean to be derogatory towards them.)
However, the lack of attraction never changed on my end and I ended up hurting the feelings of some very nice guys which did not feel good for either of us. So I no longer do it.
That’s not to say that I’ve never found myself growing attracted to someone after not being attracted to him…but in those instances that feeling grew gradually as I got to know him over a period of time (meaning months or even years) at work or places like that…and, unfortunately, when you are meeting someone off a dating site, it is a different situation…you don’t have that much time to get to know someone without any expectations of a future, physical relationship…and, in my view, continuing to date someone without desiring him as a man would be very unfair on both of us (especially him of course.)
I do wish there was a way around it, but I feel it’s just part of the nature of online dating…
Marsha says:
Sometimes a womens intuition is more like a womens ammunition! That is what my Dad would say!