Let’s face it: you are an awesome, capable, exceptional woman. You have also probably been doing, thinking and believing the wrong things about yourself and about men for a very long time.
You CAN do what I finally did: let go of all the old thoughts, habits, and behaviors that are getting in the way of what you want most in your life – a loving, committed man.
Whether you’re dating or in a relationship, stopping yourself from making these three dating mistakes can literally change your life:
#1: Dump Your Desire to Be Dazzled.
We all have different things that do it for us. You know, that thing that gives you butterflies when you finally meet a guy who has it. Maybe he has that special sense of humor, maybe it’s his intellect or his looks. This is the thing that when you find THIS in a guy you get giddy and start projecting into the future…YOUR future…together.
Whatever your thing is, even though you are over 40 or in your boomer or senior years, it’s likely coming from your inner 18-year-old. When you meet a man with The Thing, you feel instant chemistry. You also often overlook other things that may make him a terrible match for you.
If THIS is how you’re still making relationship choices then you are not a grownup woman looking for a good husband – you’re an 18-year-old looking for a BUZZ.
A step in the wrong direction is better than staying on the spot all your life. Once you move forward you can correct your course as you go. Your automatic guidance system cannot guide you when you’re standing still.
Think about what dazzles you. Is it something to do with him being the guy who has your back and makes you feel loved and safe? Or is it about immediate gratification and feeling good in the moment? The difference is between a temporary thrill and a loving, solid, grownup relationship.
#2 STOP expecting men to take all the risks.
Here is what that looks like when we’re making the man do all the work:
• “If he’s interested he’ll show it and I’ll know it.”
• “If he really cares about me he’ll know what I want.”
• “I’m not going to tell him that I care about him until he says it first.”
• “I never make the first move.”
Well, let me tell you about grownup men. These guys (the ones you actually want!) have achieved success in life and they know how to get what they want. If they think you are unattainable or uninterested they won’t spend time or energy on something (or someone) they can’t win. And they certainly aren’t interested in doing all the work. Are you?
“The Rules” are out, sister. Making him chase you not only doesn’t fly with grownup dating, it turns off the smart, commitment-minded men you want. These men are not into playing games or climbing your “wall of I dare you.” (That was the name of my wall. I talk more about it in my eBook 7 Secrets to Finally Finding Love after 40.)
Like you, mature men who are dating want to meet someone nice and have an easy time getting to know her. And like you, most hope to meet a partner who will share the rest of their great life. But they don’t want to – nor do they have to – work like a dog to get it.
Now I want you to ask yourself a couple questions:
1. Do I expect men to do all or most of the work?
2. Could I be using this belief as an excuse to not put myself out there and risk rejection?
#3: STOP doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
I’m going to assume that you’ve been dating the same way and having the same type of relationships with men for years and years. Why? Maybe you’re not trying to do things differently because you just don’t know what else to do. Maybe it’s because it feels safe and familiar. Maybe you’re just stuck in a been-there-done-that rut.
Doing things the same way IS standing still…or actually worse because it seems you’re working really hard and getting nowhere. Right? Well that is a feeling I knew well for many years, and it sucks!
I suggest you stay in motion. Seek out new experiences. Learn things, do things that put you in a position to meet your man. Read, attend courses and seminars, learn from others who have achieved what you want (umm…h-e-l-l-o!), learn techniques to help you stay positive and hopeful, get online, tell friends you are open to meeting someone…do something every single day that keeps you positive and hopeful and improves your chances of attracting Your Man.
I finally found love at age 47. That means I spent about 30 years feeling frustrated and stupid and less-than as I flailed away at dating. Since 2006 I feel special and loved every single day, and our time together has been the best of my life.
How did I do this? I finally came around to admitting that it was I who had to make changes in order to finally find love. I stopped blaming and started learning and taking responsibility. I began a journey of education. I had to learn how to love and how to be loved.
I’m so glad you’re here doing what I did many years ago. Because here’s what I also learned, and this is especially true of we women dating after 40:
We need to learn and un-learn. And un-learning is a bit harder.
But you’re with me, right? You’re on your way!