Question: When you see other women like you who are in nice relationships, do you wonder how they got there?
What did they know (or have) that you don’t?
Well, you know I got married at 47, right? Larry and I just celebrated our 15-year anniversary. Women ask me all the time how I changed from being super-single to sharing my life with a really high-quality guy.
This is exactly what I’m telling you in this and the next three posts. Because after 30 single years I didn’t just wake up one day and miraculously figure out the man-thing.
I had to learn a lot to move me from super-singledom to my grownup love story.
It all started with three GIANT AH-HAs, girlfriend.
BTW, I definitely don’t have anything that you don’t.
We’re both flawed human beings. AND we’re also both incredibly fabulous! 🙂
I hope you take time to read this, and don’t forget the ACTION STEPS in tomorrow’s email. These will help you actually make some moves.
This is the second of four posts that teach you my “There-to-Here” story. Yep, they’re long. And the 6 minutes it takes you to read this RIGHT NOW may be all you need to alter the course of your life…directly toward your grownup love story.
In the last post I shared my diary entry from Valentine’s Day 2001. I had written:
Sounds so sad, but I was happy at that time in my life.
I had friends I loved, I traveled frequently, I had a nice home, great cat, and the freedom to do as I pleased.
Working as a consultant in corporate education for years afforded me yummy things like my Nordstrom personal shopper. (SO yummy!)
For decades I walked around telling everyone (including myself) how great my life was.
But there were times I let myself feel the void of not having a date to parties or having a man next to me in bed.
And in the moment writing that diary entry, I knew something was missing…
I was 42. I had never been loved by a man.
But hey, after writing that the moment passed! I was great at convincing myself that I was fine…my life was perfect.
I didn’t need a stickin’ man anyway!
The journey of a thousand miles starts with one step. ~ Lao Tzu
Every time your perspective shifts just a little, every time you let in some new information, every time you feel a new surprising feeling…you are closer to your goal of bringing love into your life.
Here is the first of three big AH-HAs [lessons] that cleared the path to me becoming a happy wife and having the honor of helping you…
it’s about the lies we tell ourselves.
Like you, I was a competent, independent, accomplished women. And I had a mantra that maybe you can relate to:
Hey…I don’t NEEEED a man…
I just want one!
When I was 44ish, my therapist Anne asked me why I felt so compelled to make the need vs. want distinction. I came up with several explanations…blah, blah, blah…
then she helped me face what the mantra truly meant:
I was trying to protect myself from the awful possibility that I would never, ever have a partner in life or be anyone’s #1.
It was a GIANT epiphany that opened me up to the rest of my journey!
When we NEED something, we work hard for it because the pain of not getting it can be devastating.
But when we just want something…whatever…we can live without it. We don’t try so hard.
Wait! I know the idea of needing a man may upset you. As well as the idea of working hard and still never finding your forever partner.
Please stay with me.
Choosing to believe that we want love vs. need love gives us a “get out of jail free” card.
Would you say I don’t neeeed money or I don’t neeeed friends or I don’t need to be healthy?
You could live without them, but would you want to?
Sure, we kinda want real, lasting love but…
if we can’t figure it out…hey, that’s okay!
Life is great so not having the love of a man is no big deal.
It wasn’t that important anyway.
If you have this underlying belief, here is how it is shows up in your life:
1. Self-fulfilling prophecy kicks in.
We love being right so we subconsciously sabotage our chances, all in the name of allowing us that yummy ‘see I told you so!’ stance.
(I didn’t believe this either at first, but it’s true.)
2. It gives us an excuse not to try – really try.
We either do nothing (the ‘oh, I’m just waiting to meet him organically’ approach) OR we keep repeating unsuccessful experiences and finding someone else to blame, instead of taking personal responsibility for making our life happier by making love happen.
3. It sends a signal to the good, available men: Don’t waste your time.
The good men we meet – men who are looking for authentic connection and grownup partnership – sense that we’re not 100% committed to or ready for that kind of relationship.
Those good grownup men don’t call again.
(Guys are far more intuitive than you may give them credit for. And btw, you are far worse at covering up your fears and negative feelings than you may think, sister.)
Yes, I was happy without a man. And I wouldn’t die if I never found a life partner.
But the right man would bring me joy and add a dimension to my life. I didn’t want to die without knowing this.
Once I stopped the lie and admitted I needed a man, big barriers seemed to fade.
My intention got clearer.
My commitment to making it happen crystalized.
The world of love opened up just a little more.
I had confidence.
I had HOPE!
I was ready to go after attracting love into my life the same way I had attracted so much other success and positivity to my life.
I was ready to do this love-thing in a grownup way!
If you’re relating…
if you play any version of the need vs. want game,
I encourage you to TAKE ACTION to STOP any lies that are getting in your way.
CHECK YOUR INBOX TOMORROW!
I am going to share a simple but powerful exercise that rocked my world umpteen years ago…
and that has been equally love-altering for my private coaching and Over40 Love School clients as I personally guide them through the process.
If you know, in your heart of hearts, that you don’t want to live without being unconditionally loved…
THIS realization HAS to be your first step.
Only then will you go after it with the same intention and desire you’ve shown in other parts of your life, sister.
See you tomorrow!
PS: If it wasn’t for what I learned from my therapist, Anne, I’m convinced I’d still be single. She taught me how to open my mind, fearlessly open my heart, love and trust myself, and get off my butt! (Back then there were no dating coaches, btw.)
Here’s what I mean by getting off my butt:
I had to commit to intentionally and unapologetically going after what I wanted: to love and be loved by a truly good man.
If you’re ready to do what I and so many other woman have done, I invite you to get on my Over40 Love School Interest list. When you do, you will be the first to learn how I am going to help you date in a way to find love. Btw, 5 of the 20 seats are already taken.
PPS: So, what do you think of the need vs. want game that we play?
I want to hear from you! Please share your thoughts, feelings and what you learned going through the exercise. Is my story of what started me on my successful journey to love helping you? Comment below!!
Read post 1 here: Ever Say “My Life is Great…BUT…?” (Let’s take care of that But!)
Hi BP i really appreciate you sharing your experience and helping us women how to find true love ….everytime i read your Article i feel like you are talking directly to me i just went on a date with this guy for the first time and i told him i didnt need a Man i want a Man now im thinking to myself i shouldn’t told me that i do need a good Man…..