The general belief is that you learn a lot about someone by knowing about their past marriages and romances that didn’t work out. Find out the details about his past relationships and you’ll get a good idea of whether he’s a good guy, right?
When we’re dating after 40, the men we’re meeting have decades of this history. Men can (and do) tell stories for hours! But here is my opinion: The stories are meaningless.
I’ve been married to my wonderful husband for about eight years and we have spent a total of maybe three hours talking about his past marriages. And that’s just the way I want it.
When we’re dating after 40, the men we’re meeting have decades of history. They can (and do) tell stories for hours! But here is my opinion:
The stories are meaningless.
I’m currently coaching a wonderful client, Margie, who is going on her third date with a new guy. Margie is 58 and widowed; her guy “Bob’ is 62 with two divorces behind him. She likes him, but she’s dying to know more about his failed marriages.
Margie has been an ideal client. As we do the inner work of my first three steps of my 6-Step System and “man-shop” online together and as we carefully debrief all her dates, she takes in my information and expert advice and immediately applies it to her life…even if it’s a little scary or vastly different from what she has ever done.
So, with dating Bob, Margie has followed my very important tip of not oversharing and not letting him overshare either. She has learned to manage conversations with men quite skillfully. (Maybe that’s one reason they are on their third date? Just sayin’.)
Margie understands that the purpose of dating is to discover what you can about your guy and share what you want him to know about you. While that discovery begins from the moment you connect, it’s important to delay asking or sharing too much too soon. (Read about my “bushel basket” theory to learn why timing is soooo important.)
Date three is generally a good time to start deciding about how you might feel with him as a long-term partner. (Notice I said “start deciding.” Gathering the information you need can take time.)
You want to start getting a sense of how he handles adversity, his views on relationship roles and responsibilities, his ability to communicate his needs and respond to the needs of others…you know, the stuff that makes for a solid grownup relationship.
Margie wanted to know all this and thought that getting him to talk about his past relationships was how to find out. She asked me how to bring up the topic and how much could reasonably ask him.
I get this question almost every day as I’m guiding women through their dating journey. Even women who are well into a long term relationship still want to know their guy’s story of his breakup long ago. Women want to know how to dig into men’s past, but how to do it without sounding too nosy or overstepping.
Here are my very specific guidelines to help Margie and you learn about your man’s past relationships in a way that is respectful yet direct, and gets you the real juicy information you need:
A relationship is a “thing.” These are actually three separate entities:
Him, Her and the Relationship.
In the spirit of discovering what this man is made of and how he might fit into your life, you want to learn out about HIM – not the relationship and certainly not her.
Wouldn’t it help you the most to know how his relationships formed who he is today? What did he learn? How did it make him a better person? What will he use of his past to make his future (potentially with you) brighter and better?
Knowing that his wife drank too much, that they just grew apart or that he was unhappy for 5 years before finally divorcing gives you very little insight into who he is today. (My husband’s first marriage was when he was 19. If I was judged on what I did at that age I doubt anyone would even want to be my friend.)
You can learn these things by asking questions like: What are some things you learned from your past relationships? What were the positive aspects? How does having been in that relationship make you who you are today? What will you do differently?
Do you see the difference? No war stories…just learning more about him.
And here’s are a couple extra tips:
Model for him what sharing about oneself in this way is like. “One important thing I learned after my marriage broke up was…..” And don’t finish that sentence with something like “I’ll never trust a man again.”
Set a positive, open tone that lets him know what you’ve learned and how you’ve grown. (And by the way, if your answer is the trust thing, you shouldn’t be dating or in a relationship yet, sister.)
Tell the truth, but be sure to share the ultimate positive that affects who you are today. “My breakup was difficult for me, but I finally learned…which has helped me so much in relationships ever since.”
This is a perfect opportunity to get in some of your nuggets about what kind of mate you want to be and what kind of relationship you value. (Nuggets are magical pieces of information that help men get to know you in a remarkable way.)
Please do some careful thinking about how you want to express yourself honestly and be prepared to share. Because when you open up this topic, it’s a fantastic opportunity to dig deep and get to know very meaningful facets of each other’s personality, lifestyle preferences, problem solving skills, etc.
I talked earlier about Margie learning how to manage conversation with men. This is a powerful skill. When you do this, you can stop this from turning into a “let’s bash our exes” session.
It’s tempting, I know, especially if you have common stories such as being cheated on, or exes with substance abuse issues. I call this Premature Baggage Bonding. Check yourself and him and keep the conversation positive and about YOURSELVES, not your exes or the relationship.
If you find the conversation going “there” you can redirect with something like “When it was finally over, what did you learn from the experience?” or “How does that experience affect your dating life now?”
If he can’t see anything positive or if, after you redirect he keeps talking about “her” that is a clue he hasn’t moved on…so you should!
There are things about my past relationships that I’ve never shared with Larry (and vice-versa I’m sure) and probably never will. And we are both OK with that.
Sometimes what happened in the past should just stay there. Here we are in our 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond. Do we really need to know about the stupid stuff we did 30 years ago? I think not.
It’s perfectly wise to want to know as much as you can about a man’s past relationships in order to make a good decision about whether he’d be a good mate for you. But the time for this deeper discussion has to be right and it’s NOT on the first date.
When the time is right to learn more, keep your questions about him, and keep your comments about you. When talking about your past relationships, as long as neither one of you goes down the TMI rabbit hole, this conversation will be positive a turning point… one way or another!
Now…can you tell me how you’ve been doing this in the past and how that has worked? And how will doing it this way help you? I’d love to hear from you!
Bobbi Palmer says:
Yes, a distance relationship can work out, it just takes commitment and good communication. What’s a couple hours of time when it could lead to a lifetime of love and companionship, right? I know you know this, Lisa: my advice is to get online! And include in your profile that you are willing to relocate. Here is my A-Z training for online dating Like a Grownup. Give it a look. Bp
Lisa Whitehorn says:
Hi there.
I am late 50 ‘ s and seem to have trouble meeting any local men. I am asked out but does the 2hr distance ever work out. I have relatively little ties to where I live so would relocate for the right person. All my friends say look local but when you live alone, work alone its had to meet new people. I have joined a couple of clubs but only to find mainly women looking for men too. Any advice greatly received.
Rachel Nichols says:
What if he’s a schmuck who deserted his ex because their four-year-old had leukemia? That’s a deal breaker for me. I prefer widowers because they have proven “staying power.”
Mali says:
Excellent article!!
Thank you!!
Naughty Nica says:
Past is past! Both of you can’t do anything about it but can do more about your present and maybe your tomorrow too. Both of you must work hard to gain each others respect and everything will just follow.
Marie says:
David,
I dated a man for far too long who did this, and all I can say is, “Run for the hills!” This type of behavior is rude and disrespectful. I think it comes from their extreme insecurity; one person is never enough for these people. And when you request that she stop doing this, she makes it seem like you’re the one with the problem! Seriously, no matter what qualities this woman has that keep you coming back, you need to let her go.
Noquay says:
First, to David L; what she is doing is a major red flag. Not only is she indiscreet, it’s almost as though she’s using these stories to make you jealous, make her appear super desirable. Also sounds like she has a harem; when women truly break up with a man, we generally do not contact most of them again, ever.
Back to the post: the first thing is; PAY ATTENTION! Men tend to blurt things out, no subtlety, just simply listening with a level head, noting actions will reveal a lot. My late father was married and divorced 3x; he never said why but listening to how he referred to women, especially us professional women, made things very clear. I get a tad worried about someone twice divorced when there’s no admittance of wrongdoing on the man’s part. On the other hand, I am very suspicious of a 50-60 something man who has never been in a marriage or LTR (my first stalker fell into this category). Since I tend to choose very carefully, my relationships have been few but long lasting. I will talk about my 12 year marriage which ended due to circumstance, not animosity, but just say the previous two rships died due to different priorities, no need to diss anyone. The current problem is being repeatedly asked why I am not dating/am still single today. Have met many men, none worked due to huge incompatibilities in lifestyle and core values. I live in a region where I am very different from my near aged peers and that’s all I say if asked why I am still single.
Bev says:
Hi Bobbi,
Thanks for another valuable post. I realize that in the past, I have left this too much to chance, waiting until it came up naturally to ask about things that are important to know BEFORE getting emotionally involved. Had I known how to discern these things earlier, I would be better off — but may not have learned an important lesson. Phrasing the questions the way you did will help a lot. Thank you.
David L says:
So what’s going on when a woman constantly interjects her exes into conversations?
I’ve been dating a 50 something woman who has shared an incredible amount of detail about her past. And I wasn’t asking. Everything from who was a good cook to who was well, shall we say, anatomically “gifted”. And tons about all the short term guys in between. She keeps in touch with at least half these men. Some of them going back 25 years. Some only a few months ago.
One of them comes up in almost every conversation we have. To the point where I had to ask that we have “ex free” interactions once in a while.
Some of this material is a little hard to hear and if I react she accuses me of being insecure. Her position is that she should not have to “walk on eggshells” and she is just telling it like it is. If I can’t handle the truth then I can’t handle her.
In an odd way I see her point.
What do you do when one partner feels it is perfectly acceptable to proactively share every detail as “truth” and that being asked to not share is repressive and weak?