This is one of my Dad’s favorite lines and I think the key to being happy with men.
Dad’s premise was that it is your responsibility to state what you want when it’s important to you, and then give people a chance to give it. If you don’t ask for something, there’s a good chance you won’t get it. And if you don’t, it’s not the potential giver’s fault; it’s yours.
I’ve used this advice in all kinds of situations: I ask the waiter to make sure there is no black pepper on my meal (I hate it!); I ask for help when I can’t reach something on a high shelf; When my girlfriends ask “what do you want to do tonight” I tell them.
The most significant place I rely on this mantra, though, is in my marriage.
If you want to give a man the most wonderful gift, tell him what will make you happy. Then let him do it.
My husband, Larry, is pretty damn intuitive and pays better attention to the world around him than most men. He also pays special attention to me (almost all the time). Yet even he can’t always get it right when it comes to pleasing me. And it’s completely unrealistic to expect that.
(Yep, btw, I found a good man. And there are plenty more out there!)
So when I want Larry to do something for me that’s important to me that he’s not already doing…
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Even in simple day-to-day life situations, this can be hard. Do you accept the overcooked meal you paid $40 for and say “thank you?” Do you allow the customer service rep to end the call even though she’s been rude and hasn’t even answered your question? Do you keep allowing the pushy car salesman to call you instead of telling him to please wait for you to call him?
I encourage you to knock that shit off. Not only does it leave you with an unfulfilled need, you’re left with frustration and resentfulness piled on top of it.
Yah, my Dad was right on. Asking for what you want is essential to getting what you want and need in life, and learning to do it in a kind and non-threatening way is one of the strongest tools you can use.
And it’s most important while dating or in a relationship.
Maybe you’re cool with asking to put your steak on the grill for a few more minutes or to move you to a table further away from the kitchen.
But how good are you at asking a man to do something for you…or not do something?
Do you ask him to call you instead of text, or to stop talking so much and let you share a little about yourself? (In a very kind way, of course.) How good are you at asking your boyfriend to make your weekend plans further in advance so you can plan the rest of your life or telling him that you when he [fill-in-the-blank] it makes you feel uneasy and you’d like him to do [fill-in-the-blank] instead?
Do you think you shouldn’t have to ask?
My friend Jan told me that she doesn’t think she should have to tell a man what she wants. She’s only one of a myriad of women who have told me that if a guy is paying attention and really cares, he should be able to figure out what she wants. He should know what to do to make her happy.
In a word (or a few)…that’s bullshit. And unfair to men.
If you expect someone who is so fundamentally different from you to figure out what you need to be happy, you’re living in a dream world. That’s 1 trillion times truer if you’re expecting this starting from the first phone call or date! (Don’t just blow off the last sentence here. Give it some thought. Can you be guilty of this? So many of us are.)
He should know it’s not okay to keep texting me.
He should know it’s rude to ask to pick me up at my place on a first date.
He should offer to go with me to my family picnic without me having to ask.
I’m telling you, sister, it’s these unrealistic expectations that are the basis of millions of dates going nowhere and otherwise good relationships breaking up.
One of the top complaints made by men about women is that women expect them to read our minds. And, they say, if they try and get it wrong, we hold it against them. (Right guys? Are you there? Chime in please.)
If you want to give a man the most wonderful gift, tell him what will make you happy. Then let him do it.
When a man cares for you or wants to impress you, he wants to get it right. He wants you to clue him into what you like and what you want. And isn’t that exactly what you’re looking for…a man who wants to make you happy?
So when you’re dating and a man asks what you want to do on your date, don’t accuse him of being lazy or not caring enough to plan a date. There’s a good chance he’s asking because he wants to take you to a place where you feel comfortable and that you will enjoy.
And when you sit across from him, smile, and say “thank you, I love this place!” that guy will light up with pride. He wants to get it right!
Principle #3 of Dating Like a Grownup is to take responsibility for your actions and outcomes. If you want to get what you want from men, follow that advice.
Learn how to ask for what you want in a kind and non-threatening way. This is – hands down – the best gift you can give to the nice man you’ve just met online, the guy you’re going out with for the third time, or your husband of 10 years.
Give it a try. Let me know how it goes.
Bobbi Palmer says:
This isn’t about asking for what you want, girlfriend. This is about you wasting time with a man who is totally wrong for you. He’s not interested in what you want or in a real relationship. You probably know this but I hope it helps to hear it from me. Next! Bp
Tiffany says:
I feel like I’m on the right track, then. I wasn’t good at saying what I needed before… actually, no, I would ask or say what I needed, but the guys I was dating would either ignore me or tell me I was being “needy” or “expecting too much”. And these would be reasonable things, I believe. Like, hanging out once a week or even every other week (but we needed to spend time together to get to know each other), or having a phone call, sometimes.
The last guy I was talking to, because we weren’t officially dating yet, I was more open with my feelings, what I wanted/expected, I asked him for help or his thoughts on things… however, this seemed to actually push him away. He declared I wanted too much. He told me he didn’t like going out and that he didn’t feel comfortable talking on the phone. We were “talking” for a little over a month. In that time, we went on exactly 1 date. And I was the one who asked him.
We pretty much just texted for around an hour every day. I eventually told him I didn’t understand how we could develop anything if we didn’t spend time together. He told me he was doing a lot by texting me everyday. When he told me that, I almost didn’t believe my ears. I know texting can be kind of time consuming, but I wasn’t making him text me, never told him I needed to be texted every day. In fact, I told him I’d rather have a nice, long call once a week rather than texting all day. All he said every time I said this was “I get calling is important to you”, but he never called, never initiated a call, and was always busy when id ask to call. I figured, what good was it to have worked on “needing” a guy if he’s acting like anything outside of texting is too much?
Bobbi Palmer says:
You are so welcome, Brenda. I’m glad you’re here. Bp
Brenda A Severino says:
I just wanna say…until I read this I just couldnt understand Y me and my BF of a year were NEVER on the same page….i was literally ready to give up even tho I really DO love him….felt like I wasnt getting through to him and I guess I kno Y….ur right I was just expecting him kno what I want and it just wasnt working….so NOW I’m gonna try it this way and maybe it will finally get us syncing again…thank u so much
Bobbi Palmer says:
Here you go, Birdy! https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/how-to-ask-for-what-you-want-from-a-man/. Bp
Birdy says:
I get it, you have to ask for what you want. But which words and tone you use are important. I’ve always been used to do everything myself, I had to be independent from early on, so it is hard. Would you give examples of how you ask please? Its so hard to find examples anywhere, I need several ways you can ask in certain situations – which sentences do you have success with? thank you:-)))
Rachel says:
Thanks Bobbi.
Maybe I’ll be brave enough to risk dating again someday.
Stephanie says:
Greg, are you still single? Let me know:)
Greg says:
“My friend Jan told me that she doesn’t think she should have to tell a man what she wants. She’s only one of a myriad of women who have told me that if a guy is paying attention and really cares, he should be able to figure out what she wants. He should know what to do to make her happy”
Thank you for calling bullshit on this behavior!
“One of the top complaints made by men about women is that women expect them to read our minds. And, they say, if they try and get it wrong, we hold it against them.”
Absolutely! I have experienced this. It’s maddening.
It’s equally challenging (and frustrating) for a quality guy to meet quality women.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Rachel, you need a serious attitude adjustment when it comes to online dating, men and dating over 40! Too much negativity, sister! I know because I’m a recovered negative-Nellie myself. Read this https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/negative-self-talk-love-life/ – BP
Rachel says:
Hi Bobbie.
I quit (online) dating 5 years ago. People say you should never mention marriage to guys. But if a man is a 15 year old child trapped in a 50 year old body who only plays, why waste both our time?
I see dating as a painful, disagreeable experience to be soldiered through to obtain a family. Like my friends got 20 years ago. But all the “men” out there are over-aged Peter Pans and Cassanovas. I hate mindless sleeping with strangers.
That’s all guys want on dates if a woman’s over 40. I read that in a XoJane article. It’s creepy, gross, and I refuse to put up with it.
Like going on a bunch of job interviews. Then you realize none of the companies are hiring. The HR heads think it’s fun to conduct endless job interviews and maybe get some free work out of suckers with vague mentions of possible hires in the future.
How can I make clear to a man that I don’t want to play stupid games or engage in brainless, heartless hook-ups?
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Belle! This is tough, I know. But here’s the thing: Two years is a long time and if you feel you need a clear commitment it’s a Big Deal. Different people have different views of marriage. I have a friend who has been with her man for 8 years. He won’t marry her but he’s committed. For me, I don’t think that would have worked. I wanted to get married. You might want to read this article: https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/he-cant-make-a-commitment/ Hugs, Bp
Belle says:
What if everything is going beautifully, but the one thing you want is a commitment that will eventually evolve into a lifetime partnership? How does one approach that without it being like an ultimatum? I’ve been in this relationship for two years, and aside from that, everything is wonderful! I don’t want to ruin a good thing but I also have that one little thing that keeps me wondering if I’m with a sweet and devoted commitment phobe. So I have this feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Loretta – I absolutely agree. To state what you want you have to know what you want. That’s why the first thing I work on when I coach someone is getting clarity on what and who will make her happy. Thanks so much for reading, and for leaving a comment. I’m glad you’re here!
Loretta Wright says:
I agree 100 % but I think that it take a informed woman or a mature woman to be confident enough to state what you want.
LJ Maggie says:
Thank you for this article. Sometimes I feel if I speak up about what I want, I am being to pushy or needy and that the guy will disappear. It is good to know that I can ask for what I want and that guys appreciate that.