Do you take dating advice from friends? It often goes like this:
You’ve met a new guy that you really like.
You’ve gone on a second date and you’re pretty excited about him.
You call your girlfriend who has been receiving ongoing reports since you first connected with him online. She knows everything that’s transpired between you as well as what’s been going on in your mind since the first email.
You tell her all the good stuff:
He was on time and picked a great restaurant, he listened intently and asked questions about your life, and he told you of his dream to return to Paris with a “special woman.” (Woohoo!)
He also told you that you looked beautiful, and asked where you wanted to go on your next date.
You already have the advice of a smart, compassionate truth-teller: yourself! My advice is to always check in with her before you go to someone else. This self-trust has to come first.
Then you tell her about that one thing he said that kinda bugged you. It didn’t seem big, but you want her take on it. You tell her verbatim (of course), you hear silence, and then she finally says:
“Damn. He seemed so great. I guess he’s just like the rest.”
By the end of the call, you’re thanking her for helping you see the light, and composing how you will tell him that you don’t want to see him again.
After advice from your friend, another one bites the dust.
You know the saying: The road to hell is paved with good intentions? Well, here’s my version:
The road to dating and love hell is paved with good intentions, particularly those of your friends and family.
Yep. Even though your friends and family probably want the best for you, they may be sabotaging your love life in various ways, and neither you nor they have any idea it’s happening.
Does your sister instantly dismiss every man you meet based on some set of undefined rules?
Does your best gal-pal at work seem to relish your relationship drama a tad too much?
Does your close friend since your school-days consistently remind you that you’re better off single?
Does a family member try to “help you” by telling you that you’re just too damn picky? (If I had a dollar for every time…)
If any of this rings remotely true, here is my advice (and it’s not the sabotaging kind): You are a grownup now, not a 16-year-old girl who needs her friends and family to approve of whom she dates or whom she loves.
The feelings around romance and love can be fragile and if you allow it, can get very complicated. I advise that you proceed with some caution when it comes to baring your soul about your dates or relationship.
You don’t need to call up your bestie after each date and give her a blow by blow. You don’t owe your co-worker or anyone else who will listen a Monday morning status report on the details of every contact you make online.
And you definitely don’t need to share details about your quest for love with your parents or children.
The best perk of being a mature dater is that you finally value who you are and what you want. You are your own best friend, aren’t you?
You know what is right (and wrong) for you.
You have a better understanding and appreciation of men and yourself, and know what you must have in order to have a fun and fulfilling relationship with a man.
As a grownup woman with the right experience and information, you can tune in to your own thoughts and feelings with clarity. You can inform yourself if you are feeling joyful, adored, and valued when you are with the man you’re spending time with.
You already have the advice of a smart, compassionate truth-teller: yourself! My advice is to always check in with her before you go to someone else. This self-trust has to come first.
Now, I’m not saying that when it comes to decisions about love and romance you should only rely on yourself. I’m saying that first and foremost you should trust yourself. Then, when you do reach out for help, be very judicious in selecting whom else to trust.
You are a grownup now, not a 16-year-old girl who needs her friends and family to approve of whom she dates or whom she loves.
Would you ask your banker about which dress to wear? Or your dog-walker for investment tips? So maybe listening to your spinster aunt or man-hating girlfriend isn’t the best way to get you closer to finding true love?
I can’t stress enough how important it is to carefully choose who to rely on for support as you date and enjoy a relationship.
And then, assuming these things:
Your selectivity should also be applied to decisions about when to start showing him off to the important people in your life.
Just say “no” to bringing your guy around your family or friends until the two of you have at least had some discussion about the ideal trajectory of your relationship. If you really dig him and imagine him as the possible “One” but he’s just messing around, that can turn out to feel shitty for you went everyone starts asking you how it’s going.
(There’s no magic number of days or months. I introduced my husband to my friends within two weeks. But then again we got married 6 months after we met. For you, it may be a couple of months before you start prancing him around.)
Maybe your friends are so used to you being single it will be an adjustment to see you as part of a couple. (That’s pretty common when you’re dating after 40.)
You never know what “hilarious” story they may decide to tell or how seeing you in love might bring out some concern or envy. The green-eyed monster can make the best of us quite snarky. Yah, it’s not pretty, but human and true.
Your family and friends love you and want to see you happy. I certainly want to see you happy and am here for you. But YOU are the one who wants it most of all.
Check in with yourself first and then be discriminating with who you set up for the next round of input. Pay attention to how your friends and family try to support and advise you. Make sure their selfish or uninformed advice isn’t masquerading as good intentions.
If you find that you have been seeking (or getting unsolicited) advice from someone who can’t support you in a positive and productive way…simply tell her this:
No thank you. I appreciate your support but I find it’s best for me to take my own advice right now.
If she’s a real friend she will understand the importance of getting this part of your life right. (And if she doesn’t, I question her commitment to your friendship.)
The road to love and dating hell is paved with all kinds of good intentions from people who have no business giving their two cents. Avoid taking it, or you may find yourself with much more time to spend with that friend than you want!
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Stephanie. Depends on your needs. Plenty of Fish (POF) has made some great changes and I’m digging their site. Lots of search options there. You can try Our Time for over 50 matching. Eharmony is good only if you want to be passive and have them work for you. 🙂 I don’t recommend you do it that way though. I discuss this in much more detail in my Get Online, Get Noticed…Find Love course. I’ll be offering that again before the end of the year. Hope this helps! Bp
Stephanie Jones says:
Hi Bobbie. I wanted to know what dating sites you recommend besides Match?
Terr says:
@AS You are the company you keep. Choosing a life partner is a major life change that could mean that it’s time to leave people/so-called friends from your old life behind. Everyone can’t make the journey with us, you know?
Anyway, why do you need embittered, fearful people raining on your parade? But as a caveat, I’d say to make sure that they are embittered or fearful before you dump them. Don’t dump anyone who truly cares about you and has your best interest as a concern.
AS says:
This hits the nail on the head! I believe that friends can hold you back in the dating game, both intentionally (awful to say but true) and not intentionally. The more friends you also talk to about your dating situation, I think sometimes also adds confusion and they bring their story and experience into things, which may not be true for this particular guy who is being judged by too many people. I think you’re absolutely right in also being selective with the friends you ask – ones that are in a healthy loving relationship usually fare the best!
Terr says:
@Miskwa I read your story and I feel like you’re the figurative “Tall Growing Poppy”, growing amongst the weeds. I feel that way right now. Although I live in a nice sized city, you couldn’t pay me to date anyone in the city. The city has around a 40% high school drop out rate. Because the mentality of the folks here is very unprogressive, many of these people have never left the state and a good number of folks here have NEVER left their city.
I’m not originally from my current city and I’m planning on moving as soon as possible, in part because I’m convinced love isn’t here for me and I deserve to be loved. I deserve the right dating/mating pool for me so I’m moving towards it, via another city (Amongst other reasons). You mention your current home in a way that makes me wonder why you aren’t planning on moving. Frankly, you sound too progressive for that place and why waste away there?
Here’s something I realized this week: There’s all sorts of relationships and it’s okay to end them of they aren’t working. It doesn’t seem as if your relationship with this town or your old friends is working for you. Just a thought.
Miskwa says:
That would be nice Bobbie, but some are choosing singlehood because they’ve been really abused/burned in relationships with locals and didn’t/do not want to do the work of healing. We are very educated, mostly fit and healthy women in an area where most folk are high school dropouts and a lot of the older demographic was heavily into the drug/drinking scene and still often is. Western mountain towns have a lot of this. You have to convince a guy from 100+ miles away to meet/get to know you; not an easy task. Was talking to a male friend last night and he himself said that no one should date the locals
bobbi says:
Hi C: Thanks for the comment and compliment! I love to hear that my writing helps! Yay!
About your friends: Good idea to avoid any input that comes from fear. Absolutely. It’s great that you’re taking time to focus on this and make some decisions.
One thing though: balance may be in order here. If ALL your friends feel a certain way about a guy, it’s something you should give some thought to. Now…if they are all man-haters or just haters in general…blow it off.
But if they are otherwise smart women who love you, I’d pay some attention. Balance it with what you know to be your experience and keep your eyes open. (Don’t go by what you wish to be true…go by what is really true.) Sounds like you may already be doing this. Just want to help you make YOUR best decision.
With love…let me know how it goes. Bp
bobbi says:
Hi Miskwa,
I admit that I still find it hard to believe there is not one good man within a reasonable range of miles but, of course, I don’t live where you do. There are definite limitations and realities that have to be dealt with when we’re looking for partnership and love. Congrats for managing how you deal with the negativity of some of the women around you. I wonder what would happen if you all joined together in hope and optimism. Maybe it’s not possible, but a lovely thought, don’t you think? Sending you hugs…
C says:
Hi Bobbie. I love your blogs. This particular one resonated with me (actually, I wish you had written it 4 months ago). I listened to my friends and now they’re in my head and I can’t think clearly. I’m finding it hard to separate what I know about someone from the fear-based chatter I’ve been fed. My friends could still be right, but I would have at least liked to come to that conclusion by myself. I’ve resorted to stop talking about dating altogether. Every time they try to show me “evidence” of why this person is wrong for me, they make me feel like I’m someone who is disposable or easily discarded. Like I don’t matter to that person at all, but I know I do. It just makes it harder to stay in touch with who I am and what I know I’m worth.
Miskwa says:
So true Bobbie
Because we all live/lived in this same small town with zero choices in quality older men, most of my friends/colleagues are either off men entirely, bitter and angry, or have settled for men with major problems and expect me to do so as well. Therefore, I do not discuss my dates with anyone locally. If something about a mans behavior confuses me, I will write in the question to a reliable relationship blog where whomever answers does not know me and will give an objective opinion. I have a clear view of what I want, what I want to avoid, and the reality (often harsh) of my challenges given where I live, my educational level, my multiracial heritage and take the best path based on my reality.