Two Things Smart Women Do to Attract Smart Men

thank you so much! very eye opening for me, I feel I tend to compete or show off my intelligence too much to feel valuable in his eyes. I will remember the phrase “stimulate his spirit”

Bobbi, I just stumbled across your blog. I am even more hopeful than I was yesterday. I was already good, but after reading this article, I now realize I have done my self a huge disservice my entire dating life…I’m 55, a widow of almost 2 years with a tween son. My late husband died unexpectedly, completely devastated and heart-broken. I decided to take the opportunity to show grace, patience, and embrace the love he gave us. It allowed me to bloom even more so than I have ever had before.
From when I was a teenager, I was always felt “never good enough”. I’m a brunette and my sister is a blonde. Guess who guys always went for…well, the lack of self confidence and self love and over compensating for that killed it for me dating guys. I could honesty never figure it out until now! Damn, to say that you are bang on with this, makes complete and utter sense, NOW. DOPE.
You are probably saying, then how did I become married, happily, I might add? FLY FISHING. About 18 years ago, I decided to step out of my comfort zone, since I could not figure out why I was “scaring” men away.
The story is long & documented.
When he died unexpectedly, and my entire world changed. I could be be bitter and angry or I could lead a different life. I had a ton of one-date-wonders before my late husband. Some were good, some were horrible & most need to be written about, but I don’t kiss and tell. I am a very self-reliant, independent, smart, attractive, articulate, witty woman who is living, or I perceive I am, in a shadow of my late husband. We marriage late in life, I was 38 and he was 39, had our son – I was almost 40. We were married for a little over 14 years. I was happy and even more so, bc I was “off the market” and married to my best friend.
Everyone is seems to still be struggling with his death. I am not from the area, but call it home. I believe, that since single men around here are a rarity, and if they knew my late husband, they will feel they could never “measure up”. Mind you my husband was handsome, not hot. I saw past that and who he was as a person. Since thinking I would try and test the waters, recently, I made a bold move with a widower, same as age I, just to see if he might be interested, but no, I was denied. He was honest and told me that he had been dating someone for a few months.
I thought, if you don’t ask, the answer will always be “NO”. This gentleman knew my late husband and has mutual friends. I figured, that if I asked him if he was interested, was a very “safe way” to dip my toes back into the dating pool without embarrassing the crap out of myself. (Figured, he was “safe”, since was a widower for a while with kids, would empathize more easily my situation.) Interestingly enough, I didn’t get upset like I use to when I was younger. It was okay. However, I feel that I will never get a “second look”, bc of him and my old “dating style” of being “too much” or “too aggressive”, when I feel I am joking around and just doing playful banter. So confused.
Do I be myself or do I play the “game”, bc guys can’t handle strong assertive women, not like their egos ever could? Would love to know that answer before I screw up with my “over assertiveness”…
In closing, your words are a breathe of fresh air and I’m grateful that I found your blog. I would also like to thank everyone who has contributed on their views, life experiences, and the male perspective. You are a bright light in the dark world of dating and romance.

That is interesting Samuel
Looking at it from a male’s perspective

Thank you so much for this wonderful and important imformation.

I leave with man were just friends.he 74 and il be 54. He always has smart mouth.why that helike different ladies.not with me

If it is any consolation smart, accomplished men have the same problem- you can have too much of a good thing and no one to share it with. In my experience if I share a small fraction of the amazing stories I have been fortunate to accumulate in my life, typically my date will run for the door. I think this has to do with competition in reverse – where dates feel the accomplishment stakes are not balanced enough in a world where equality in relationships is expected. With women who are smart and accomplished enough I don’t feel this imbalance in the conversation and can relax. Still, I cannot say I have had much success in relationships, but it makes for a more pleasant date.

Hi, I’m a 52 year old woman I am struggling with dating do you have any advice for me please?

Bobbi Palmer’s advice here is excellent. If you only change one thing about your dealings with men, consider this one. Esp if you’re not getting the second date or asked out after a nice chat. Soften your response, show enthusiasm when listening to men and enjoy the moment. Is actually sweet to see how happy this polite gesture can make men feel, they flourish right in front of you. It feels good to make another person feel good. It’s not all about you all of the time.

I learned the hard way and looking back, suspect I lost some good opportunities as a result. Ugh. I used to enthusiastically chime in with a similar story/event, thinking it connected us, whereas it put me in the friend zone. Had no clue it actually punched the air out of their balloons until I noticed my response when people did it to me.

I’m now a better listener and have reaped positive effects overall.. at work, family, friends. My life’s highlights will slip out in time -or not, which is fine too.

Wow. And I would think that a man who goes out of his way to impress a woman…has insecurities. I would also think that a first meeting, where there is a real connection, would feel comfortable, almost as if you are old friends. A meeting where you feel open to just be yourself. I am a “strong independent woman” so to speak, yet I would not feel as if discussing “accomplishments” were appropriate on a first date, for either party. I would rather make jokes, laugh, and just enjoy the time. See if the humor and wit matches. No wonder I am bad at dating. I don’t need a round of applause for my accomplishments and certainly can’t be made to feel as if someone else needs this. People are not a sum of their accomplishments and achievements, but are rather individuals of many characteristics. I say “unleash the kraken” and just head out and be yourself and try to find a common attraction level. But I am not a dating coach. I would just always advise to be yourself. People have to like you at your raw core before anything else is possible. Just my 2 cents. Acceptance. Compromise. Relationships aren’t easy. You may be wiping someone’s ass in a few years and the love has to be that deep.

I have to tell you, I just love your no nonsense advice BP. All of your posts are spot-on. 40 yr old mechanical engineer here, getting into online dating for the first time in a while. Just got out of a “non relationship” with a proper narcissist, but that’s a story for another day.

My question to you is regarding women taking too much of a lead in the early stages of a relationship. As you can guess from my occupation, I’m used to dishing it out with the guys, so lately I have been trying to embrace my feminine energy.

I was matched with a guy on Bumble, we had great banter, and he eventually asked me out for drinks after a lengthy get-to-know-you via text. He confessed right before meeting up that he gets really nervous with women, and it showed, though we still had a nice time chatting for over two hours. At the end of the night he was a Maybe for me. We texted more that evening, and he mentioned wanting to meet again. As I wasn’t all that into him, feeling a bit cheeky the next morning, I invited myself to join him on his boat for July 4th, as we had mentioned in passing neither of us having plans. Long story short we had a lovely time, he did lots of preparing to make it a nice day, and he got promoted to “hey, I could really like this guy”. Before I left we both said we’d have to do it again, with him coming to mine next.

Fast forward a few days later, we had texted, but not a ton, and I eventually offered to make him dinner at my place to say thanks for a lovely day on his boat. He accepted, though we haven’t pinned down a date yet.

My question for you, should I have sat pretty, waiting for him to ask my on a proper dinner date? I realize I might have taken the initiative a bit much, but don’t feel he’s a full on alpha male, he’s somewhere in between the alpha/beta scale. I know enough to sit on my fingers for now, and let him initiate texting this week. Just curious your thoughts, have I already killed the game?? Thank you in advance for your thoughts and advice!

You are so on point.
As strong women we have to hide our strengths and give in to Male egos to attract a strong intellectual Male.
Fuck you. An actual Male intellect would get bored with your 1950’s bottle blonde persona

This heading is wrong or just blatantly misleading. It should be “How to keep a Smart Man” or “How to hold the Attention of a Smart Man”. It say absolutely nothing about how to attract a smart man. If you are already dating him or on a date with him, you have already attracted him. The title for this article was not very smart.

Interesting article, but I don’t entirely agree with it. I don’t need affirmation that I’m impressing a lady. If she makes good eye contact, is conversational, comes across as truly interested in getting to know me, is my intellectual and maturity equal, those are qualities that I hope to see in a lady. I’m not interested in sleeping with her the first date; I much prefer to wait a few dates before going to that level; I believe that makes the experience better and increases our chances of a long-term relationship. And it would be even better if she’s Catholic.

This is probably the most succinct, practical advice I have ever read. Thank you, Bobbi; that is a game-changer.

Great feedback sometimes it’s really hard I work at a technical field and I do business Consulting as well as custom Integrations and when they ask me what I do it’s hard to come up with something that isn’t maybe talk Tech terms so this is good advice

If only, we women, were willing to listen and try. Not forgetting what we learned from our bad experiences, but not allowing that to be our measuring stick for future relationships. I think the problem stems from that time in a woman’s life when she really does “open up, and is willing and excited” about some relationship and some “man” comes along and shatters that trust. Although, I was once shattered, I realize I am no longer living in those moments. So, I’m always willing to take GOOD advice. Enjoyed this article, btw.

In my experience, finding a guy who isn’t talking to you about how beautiful you are and how he wants to get physical from day one, is a true rarity these days. I am an attractive female, but I am also smart too. I do find myself getting into those intellectual conversations purposefully just to let him know I’m no “bobble-head” like the way he’s talking to me. Most of the time, when I turn the convo from sexual to intellectual, they are turned off by then. Where are the smart and attractive guys??? I love to hear an intellectual man, as long as he doesn’t attempt to talk condescending to me or like I’m a piece of beef up for sale.

I am a divorced 47-year-old man with an MBA. My I.Q. is clocked beyond the 140-genius scale. Not much higher, but above the line. I have been in a PhD program, but I left it to fall in love and have children. I am a former college athlete (baseball)and a father of 2 who is in touch with his feelings. I agree with this author about men like me trying to be “the hero” and tripping over their toes to impress you. Please, let us! I have been very attracted to smart women my age, but I have not pulled the trigger on asking them out for one very important reason: they never let me impress them. I love that you are successful, and I will compliment you about your accomplishments. I love that you have a clean, huge house, and I will tell you how pretty and homey it feels. I love that you navigated your way to the top of your field and how you are the boss of several male underlings. That’s impressive to me. But, I need to be the boss in the bedroom, or I need to feel that you will let me be the boss in the bedroom. Dominating me outside the bedroom will deter my inner man from being “all he can be.” You might even be more successful than I am. And, that’s awesome. But, all these accomplishments will not make you a sexy woman to me. Allowing me to impress you by moving furniture is sexy. Allow me to be your hero for picking up a sandwich on the way to your house. Then, let me watch you enjoy said sandwich with the verocity that you chewed through the competition at work. Let your guard down. That is sexy. Ask me for a hug and be a little vulnerable. That’s sexy. Let me fulfill some of your emotional needs because I may not be able to fulfill all your financial ones because you already accomplished that without me. All to your credit!!! I liked all these smart and successful women and I wanted to be attracted to them. And, I suspect, some if not all of them were attracted to me, but I needed the space to be the hero. Since I wasn’t given that opportunity, I passed on all of them. But, inside my inner man was pleading, “Please let me impress you.”

I’m just going to be me, authentic, fun, and definitely not the run of the mill. Well let’s say this, the Internet has screwed it up….no need for men to make much effort. And women are to blame here too. Raise your standards ladies….desperation is ugly and don’t get horizontal too soon, believe me in this one. Men are in demand and they know it. They tell me there are no good decent women out “there” and online…..duh they pick the bimbos. It’s a rare find for men these days to want to settle again. They’re afraid you want them for something like their money, house etc or they have nothing and are losers. So damaged. I don’t want damaged goods. I’ve done my inner work. I’ve even stopped going to Meetups cause the women there are like vultures on the few guys there, who are mostly wimps and losers, I said mostly, not all, and they play around with many of these desperate ladies. Makes my stomach turn. I’m living life as is and as much as I’d like a good loving compatible partner, it’s stressful dating. With the internet there is always another piece of candy for men to be able to bite into and then discard. It’s all well and good having someone great, but the price to pay hitting the correct target, can get costly in terms of time, emotions and your sanity. Last guy I met at a dance, he was nice enough, treated me well, we dated …..until he told me he had herpes (thank God I didn’t get intimate with him…I take it slower these days for good reason) and I noted he was a binge drinker. Dumped immediately even tho I was really sad. No settling for this kind of thing, I respect myself too much. Of course they won’t tell you these things outright…..so take it slow ladies…DISCOVER first. THE LIES REALLY INSULT MY INTELLIGENCE.
Very few good guys around %wise unless widowed..and then they have guilt hangups and children controlling them…..few and far between. Most are damaged by divorce, not done their inner work to heal, are damaged by their parents, scared to commit etc. we know how damaged they are (women too) but facts are facts. And no doubt men mostly want younger these days….can’t get past that, but I don’t care. We women need to go younger then wink wink
I’m using my energy to just be and live my life as well as I can. I can see through the men I’ve dated in a moment. Most are just there to find a woman to make them look and feel good …..bunch of narcs and spoilt by the Internet. I think the culture here in the US breeds these types. Not so much in other western countries I’ve been in. I’ll read your stuff Bobbie, cause I do learn from it, but seriously the % of women here do not find what you have found, its relatively few in reality. But I enjoy the read! Yep I date myself these days going places on my own……I’d prefer to share but not turning into a pretzel for this! Good luck everyone.

Are you even ducking kidding me? Dumb yourself down & let him have his moment? You are an assanine stereotype of a subculture that betrays all intellect. If any man is so insecure that he can’t appreciate his equal, that’s his insecurity; do not justify a weak man by subjugating a smart woman! Unbelievable!

Men are munchkins.
Sweet but dispensable.
I love them alas, but rule.
I am the King.

I agree with you. After reading the article I realized what I knew before – just pretend you are less smart than you are indeed. Play the game, turn your neck to the side you want them to look. I also try to give them their moments and not to press, they still exchange me for housewives.
Well, be it…

vedy vedy well said ….Rhonda G…..did and doing the leg work and I’m girly girl and fairly attractive in my eyes….I find men SAY they like smart and successful women but its a front….just because a woman is a bit polymathic and make a few bucks more is not a “castaway” make……I also met one that I thought understood and was proud that I am intelligent …I actually fell in love with him because it was sooooo refreshing for him not to feel so intimidated …..well……he broke up with me because he said I didn’t need him,,,,,…wow! I’m good enough to hang out with among business partners at cocktail parties ….sailing trips with his counterparts …etc etc….but they just don’t take me home…..meaning, they may date me for a little while but nothing long term….says, I intimidate them because I know a lot…not the way I tell them or show them but ….just because…….and holding back makes me look fake and they notice and say it…..and it sucks.

I enjoyed this article and even before reading it, I’ve done what this article suggests. I agree with it too since it’s in tune with male psychology, but I’m still meeting men who seem “put off” by what I share. I mean, on dates as well as with male friends, I’ve started focusing more on why I enjoy the things I achieved rather than bragging about them at face value. But men I meet still seem “intimidated” by it. I also let them have their moments and show appreciation for what they share or do for me.

It’s silly that guys feel so sensitive to these things especially when I’m still letting them have their shine in other ways..like letting them decide where to eat,pay for dates, initiate, etc. And I ask why they enjoy what they do and wait for them to ask about me. Am I just meeting the wrong men? Despite my education, travel experiences, financial stability, etc, I’m feminine at my core. I don’t want to be the “guy” in the relationship :-/

I think men would be more succesful with women if they did not want at all costs to impress us. As a woman with a demanding career, I’d rather have a guy invite me for a hamburger than to a fancy restaurant if I feel that the fancy restaurant is all about impressing me. A date is about having fun together, not about feeding the male ego. I am 100x more wowed by a guy who is cool and relaxed and really interested in me and what I do. My experience is that it is not the women who compete with men but the other way round. There are some men out there who as soon as they hear that a woman has a succesful career, turn the conversation in a competition: who has more, who does more, who wins more. That’s not the problem of the woman, that’s the problem of the man. After all, what are you supposed to answer when a man asks you what kind of job you do? Sometimes the simple mention of your job already implies that you have a succesful career and then the guy feels the need to start the competition. It’s almost as if you would have to lie to avoid that…