You know how I’m always encouraging (ok nagging) you to be more feminine when you are with men?
The female, womanly part is inside all of us, but most often it’s locked away under a veil of “I take care of myself. I’m strong and invulnerable.”
And yes, all of that is true, but leading with it can put off good men.
Your softness, your femininity is THE thing that attracts grownup, fabulous men like bees to freaking honey. And, more importantly, it makes you feel like a whole person.
Yet it’s the one thing we often hold back.
We don’t really do it knowingly. This holding back has become a device we use to protect us from all the evils those bad men can bestow on us. Rejection, lying, cheating and worse – as women dating in our 40s, 50s and beyond, we’ve seen a lot to make us wary.
So we keep the sensitive, compassionate, soft side of ourselves covered up with bravado, hard work, and an “I don’t need no stinking man” veneer.
Maybe you think that once you trust him or once he scales the wall you put up to protect yourself, then you will gladly be more feminine and let him have that yummy, sexy, sweet part of your gorgeous self.
Well, there’s catch, sister! If you’re waiting for him to do all that first, you’re probably going to be waiting a damn long time. Because the generous, masculine good guys – the ones who want to love, adore, defend and protect you – those guys likely won’t give you more than a second date. (If you get a date at all.) They don’t waste their time climbing walls.
So…not feeling your feminine much? Look, your juicy woman is in there, she’s just been hiding after all these years of being the one who has to take care of all the business in your life.
I’m here to help you reconnect with that juicy woman, because it is HER you want to bring on your dates, and just be in the world!
Yes, being more feminine means being more open with your feelings and expressions, and with that comes some vulnerability. But know that this is your strength! Not just because it attracts the right men, but because it’s FUN! It’s the only way you will get to experience the real man-to-woman relationship that you want and deserve.
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Here are 6 tangible things you can do to begin reconnecting with your warm, open feminine self. She is in there…you just need to be reacquainted.
You will stand out and when you look at your reflection you will see yourself as happier, more expressive, emotional and creative. So will he. Trust me on this.
Smile at yourself in the mirror for at least 30 seconds before you leave the house or your car. Even if it feels freakish, do it. Science has shown that even fake smiling (especially when done in a mirror) creates positive, warm, happy feelings. It lowers your blood pressure and decreases stress. Yes, just the act of turning up your mouth does that. Amazing!
While looking at yourself in the mirror find three things you love about yourself. No negative self-talk allowed! Say what you love out loud, as if you were complimenting your best friend. Then, maybe create a list of what you love about yourself on your cell phone so you can carry it with you wherever you go.
After you compliment yourself, thank yourself for the compliment. Being able to receive graciously is a confident, feminine trait that is an absolute must if you want to attract and spend your life with a giving, kind, loving man. Then, go out and practice!Ask for a little help from two men today – and for the next five days. Ask for something like directions, help carrying something or his opinion. Once he obliges, give him a simple “thank you” and a smile. Watch his reaction and pay attention to how it feels for you to receive. (I bet you like it!)
No, this isn’t about caving to men’s horny desires. Even if no man is going to see them (yet), you’ll feel sexier and more feminine knowing your lady parts are adorned in beauty and luxury.
Are you nervous, excited, tired, hopeful, worried, happy? Write them down…just be aware.Why is this important? Because most men need a woman’s help in order to access their feelings. So they look for the woman with whom they feel safe. Being in touch with your feelings and being able to express them will shift your whole experience with men.You will move from purely intellectual connections to ones with more emotion and meaning. This gives you very important information about him and a potential relationship. It moves things forward and will keep you out of the dreaded friend-zone.
The coaching I’m giving you here will 100% surely help you be more feminine and attract much better quality men. But that’s not all. This will help you truly and deeply feel the power of your feminine self! It’s not just about him. Embracing her is your own gift!
Follow these steps and start on the path to be more of the nurturing, kind, open, warm woman you are. Do it for yourself and for him. Doesn’t it feel good to be more feminine? I’d LOVE to hear how these exercises feel for you. Or your ideas to help us feel more yummy as a woman. Leave me a comment and let me know!!
Bobbi Palmer says:
I strongly encourage you to learn all you can from Brene Brown’s work on vulnerability. She’s the genius on this subject. All I can tell you is that until you learn to feel safe being your real self with people you will never be able to experience the joy of a deep, trusting, loving relationship. Best to you. Bp https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?language=en
Amadeus says:
It feels incredibly unnatural to be vulnerable around strangers; you’re basically putting “I’M A TARGET! HURT ME!” in neon above your head, or at least that’s how it makes me feel. That, and: terror, a need to hide, weak, defenseless, open to hostility, unprotected…
And men are attracted to this? As opposed to seeing vulnerability and wanting to exploit/abuse?
Doesn’t make sense, honestly.
Reyven says:
Great !
Bobbi Palmer says:
Everything sounds fantastic! And you’ve done your due diligence. Now, enjoy yourself but remember the first principle of dating like a grownup: approach with a balance of head and heart. Allow yourself to feel your feelings and open your heart, but also keep your eyes open and stay focused on what you actualy know about him. Don’t get swept away by fantasy. Keep yourself safe – emotionally and physically.
Make sense? So far, though, he sounds spectacular!!
Donna says:
Yes, the first date is set for 10 days from now! He booked his hotel in my home city, made the dinner reservations, and bought the museum tickets I sugges ted. Yes, sometimes the connection feels stronger than it should for a three-week internet, phone and text connection. He initiates all contact and has guven me his detailed contact information. He has suggested I guard my home address and phine for now for my own comfort. So far he has been a perfect gentleman. He has been very modest about his very high-power corporate job as VP of a major international corporation. I confirmed that his exwife has a different home address. All internet details match. I am being very careful but fear I am falling too fast. It is hard to keep control of my feelings.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Congratulations for the action you’re taking, Donna! Sounds like you’re approaching this in a positive, intentional, grownup way. I understand the traveling thing. Larry and I didn’t meet until a month after we connected online. The difference, though, is that we didn’t talk often until we actually met. Sometimes it creates an unrealistic connection to do so before you meet. Do you have the date planned, Donna? If not, get that date on the books and meet him. I’m excited for you but also want to be sure you’re ‘involved’ with a man with whom you could have a real, intimate relationship if that’s your choice. Enjoy! Hugs, Bp
Donna says:
Jewlery is definitely a great feminine touch, a pair of small hoop earrings and a gold bracelet and I feel good to go even on casual days. I am going on my first date post-divorce. We met online a month ago and both travel a lot on business. We talk twice daily no matter where we are and plan all the fun (and appropriate) things we will do on our first few dates. I invited him to bring his bicycle one time and we could ride by the river and I would pack a lovely picnic but I might need some help with a small repair on the brakes. Not really a ploy, but a repair that I have tried to do and been unable to. It helps that he is a mechanical engineer. Wish us joy in learning to know each other, slowly as grownups should.
Bobbi Palmer says:
These are fantastic, Nancy!! Thanks so much. Love it and hope everyone reads this and uses your great tips. Bp
Nancy says:
Hi. Bobbi’s written a great article about being and feeling more feminine. Here are some of my “go-to” ideas that I use. These may not be for all women, but I share nonetheless.
1. Wear at least one piece (or more) of jewelry everyday. I started doing this and it makes a big difference for me.
2. Wear skirts and dresses more often. Try wearing a jean skirt or skorts instead of shorts. I try to wear a skirt or a dress at least once a week.
3. Buy yourself a lacy handkerchief. I spray mine with perfume and keep it in my dresser drawer. I bought one at my local antique store.
4. Buy and use pretty perfume. This is a nice way to express your personality too.
5. Take a luxurious bubble bath once a week–or better yet weekly. Candles, chocolate, and a glass of wine really kick it up a notch.
6. Wear a frilly apron when you cook. I got mine at an antique store and I love it.
&. Get into the habit of using good manners and etiquette. Nothing says feminine more than good manners.
7. Ditch those t-shirts and shorts for bed. Wear a pretty nightgown. I never buy a nightgown unless it looks feminine.
8. Incorporate feminine scarves into your wardrobe of accessories. They are a great way to accessorize. I think they add a touch of softness to my total look.
I hope these inspire you. Come up with some of your own too.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Love it, Ai!!!! I’m so glad you made that connection and are applying what I teach in the other parts of your life. And when you’re ready, you’ll be ‘armed’ with a lot of knowledge and skills. Way to go and thanks for letting me know! Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Jill. Thanks so much for your comment. It’s true that we have unique challenges, and I do try to address them where others don’t. About this not feeling easy: it’s really up to you how easy or hard, fun or exhausting dating can be. I can definitely help you with your question about picking unavailable men, but it’s more than I can do here. You can (and should) work on ‘fixing your picker.’ Start by reading this. Let me know your thoughts!
https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/2009/06/time-to-meet-your-grown-up-man/
Bobbi Palmer says:
I agree with you, Kris. Before he comes over you want to know more about him. But I guess my point is that accepting help even early on is ok…even good. And if he offers and it’s something at your home and too early, acknowledge it with clear appreciation and let him know you are open to receiving his help…just not this time. Does that make sense? Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
I am so happy to know that this article helped answer your question, Jesusa. I used to be exactly where you are. I worked in the automotive business with almost all men and never had any of them show interest in me. I finally realized it was because I was putting myself out there as just one of the guys. Let me know how this practice goes for you. Have fun being a girl. It rocks! Love, Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
Thank YOU Beth! It really makes me happy to know my work helps you. You are such a smart, loving woman and you deserve a spectacular man who loves you. Keep up the great work…you’re on the path. Big hugs, Bp
Beth Luwandi says:
No single thing I have done through therapy, coaching, or self-help has made as big a shift in how I live than this very thing! Thank you, Bobbi for sharing something this fantastic! You’re a wise, wonderful, beautiful, feminine woman!
Jesusa says:
This article was an eye-opener for me. I work in an all-man environment having to lead a group of engineers, where most of the time I am one of the guys… and I just forgot not to hide when I am in need, to supress any sign of weakness and somehow I put feminity in there. It has been so discouraging to be surrounded must of my time with men and NO ONE had shown a minimal interest on me. I have asked with tears what is wrong with me. Well, now I have a hint. I am so moved to finally realised how I am lost but at the same time grateful to you for write this simple, concrete and feasible steps to follow. Than you, Bobby.
Kris says:
OK, so this is where I’m stuck. Reading Diane’s experience above – I probably would have done the same thing – not called to ask for help – just because they only dated twice. If help is offered, I’m getting better at accepting.
Can we (I) be too familiar with someone too soon? From what I gather in Diane’s case it would have been after the first date that she needed help at the house. In my opinion it’s a bit presumptuous to call – isn’t it?
Bobbi Palmer says:
Yay! So glad you let me know, Janet. You nailed it: It’s not just about men. It’s about havning more fun in life, right? Congratulations! Hugs, Bp
Bobbi Palmer says:
GOOD lesson learned, Diane! It’s great that you can see that and know for the future. We do that all the time. Instead of saying ‘oh that’s so nice of you to offer…I’d love the help’ we shut him down. Thanks for sharing your experience! Bp
Diane says:
Very good points. I do a couple of those things, but not all. I remember a man a couple years ago, a very nice man who I dated twice, then never heard again. I remember we were talking about something at the house needed fixing. He said I should have called him. I behaved as if I could manage and took care of it. To this day I believe I presented myself as someone who did not NEED a man, when in reality I do! He was willing to be my “Knight” and I rejected that notion without realizing it. I truly did not see it at the time. Lesson learned.
Janet Anderson says:
Thank you Bobbi for the kind reminder to continue to work on bringing out our feminine!! I’ve been practicing for a year now and it definitely has made a difference in my life, love and even friendships! It feels SO good!!
Cheers!
jill says:
I love reading blogs from Bobbi. Her advise is very encouraging and age appropriate. So many dating advise is for women younger. Dating at our age is very different than it was when we were younger. We have a lot of the same feelings. We just do not know how to go out and date again. We start to get insecure when something doesn’t work out. It just doesn’t feel easy. It is difficult to not let old fears and triggers get in the way. Why do I pick emotionally unavailable men?
Ai says:
Thanks Bobbi! I love how your coaching advice helps in my workplace too. I know that when I do start dating I’ll be well prepared to enjoy that phase of my beautiful life.
Thanks again 🙂