Dating can be a real pain in the butt, right? It can be a lot of work that leads to a lot of nothing. I conducted a survey recently and asked women what their biggest challenge was when they date.
The #1 response was: I’m not meeting quality men.
Can you relate??
I hear this from women all the time. I’m tired of meeting losers. All the good ones are gay or taken. All the men I meet are bald, boring, messy, sex-crazed, they are too this, not enough that. And the most common: I just don’t feel a spark with any men I’m meeting.
Yah, I know. Not having quality men to date really sucks.
………………………………………
It WOULD suck, that is …IF it were true.
The idea that there aren’t any quality men is a myth.
There are about 45 million single men over the age of 35 in the United States. About 8 million are over 65. There are about 7 million single men in Britain. About 2 million in Australia…and those are just the ones using online dating. Lots of men. You get the idea.
I searched on www.match.com today for men over 40, taller than 5’7″, college educated, non-smoking, occasional drinker, making $75,000+.
Within only 30 miles of my house there are over 2000 of these guys. 2000!
No quality men, indeed.
And you only need ONE!
So listen, there are things you can do to work on this. And you have to, because you can’t move forward assuming every guy you meet is going to be a loser.
If you find yourself meeting men who never seem to interest you or warrant another date; if you have stopped dating because you’re “tired of meeting losers”…here’s some advice from a gal who has been there, and now enjoys a stellar relationship with the perfect man…for me.
1. Be a good picker. Know what you want and must have, and make sure it’s the Grownup You doing the picking; not the 18 year old who still expects all kinds of wacky things that no longer matter and are unrealistic qualities for grownup men to have.
Be willing to forgo the idea of perfection and find a REAL man. He doesn’t have to be flawless to rock your world. (And btw how flawless are you? We’ll discuss that later.)
2. Give him a chance to prove himself. DO NOT tell me that you can tell in the first 10 minutes whether a man is a potential suitor or life partner. If I hear this one more time….I’m going to burst.
Unless he spits when he talks, smells, or is drunk; give him a chance. As I say in my eBook Confessions of the World’s Worst Dater: Her 7 Secrets to Finally Finding Love quick judgments are often a response to a lot of things that have nothing to do with the man sitting in front of you.
Quickly dismissing the men you meet is most often about self-protection and living past experiences in the present. I mean, after all, if every man you meet is unworthy then there is no risk you’ll actually start dating or get in a relationship! Yep, that’s a surefire way to avoid ever being hurt or rejected. You go girl.
Listen, I was the master of this, sister, but finally learned how I consistently self sabotaged. And when I saw it, and dealt with it, my life changed. If you haven’t already, read my story in my eBook. I had epiphanies. They led me to true and amazing love. I want you to go there with me.
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By the way, I help you dig into this much deeper in my 6-part Mastering the Mystery of Meeting Men After 40 telecourse. Breakthroughs happen! Check it out!
Bobbi Palmer says:
Welp, I agree on the pet part. Animals give us amazing love.
The rest…ehhh. I’m sorry you’re so sad. I hope you can hope again.
K. Krosstowne says:
NOBODY is an Expert, ..on Anything. ! No One can claim they have answers or solutions . You have to go with your gut instinct, and be logical. Romance would be sweet and all , but it’s only an illusion. You really can’t trust people any more. Times have changed, unfortunately. And there so much cheating going on. Now the trusting gf or wife has the dude going off and messing around with other guys. Yuck! Nobody knows what they want anymore. ADOPT PETS instead! There’s where the LOVE is ❤.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Leticia. I can’t pretend to know what it’s like to have the challenges you have. But I can say this: so many women have unique challenges that limit their dating pool. Women who are 6ft tall; women who are very large size, women who are certain religions. I’m not saying these are equal to yours, but it results in the same dynamic.
But with some patience and some skill-building, you can be like so many others a s find your match. I know it won’t be easy but it is so possible!!
First, I found a great article about dating with disabilities. Very informative and realistic: https://www.easterseals.com/explore-resources/living-with-disability/online-dating-when-you-have-a-disability.html
Second, I suggest that you check out my From Online to In-Love program that teaches women over 40 how to use OD in a grownup and productive way. https://www.flourishtogether.com/catalog/fromonlinetoinlove.html?s=11910
I know this is hard. But it’s worth it! And it’s doable. Wishing you the best. You deserve to be loved! Bp
Leticia Arroyo says:
Hello, I have tried every dating site there is and being a disabled woman over 40 yeas of age, and good quality men don’t come my way at all due to fear of being with a disabled individual. Is there a chance out there? thanks.
Selma says:
Finding this article a little late, but everything in it is completely false and misleading. It’s easy to think you’ve found the “secret” when you’ve found a person. When you factor in the complexities of life— specific location, circumstance, age, values, etc.— the statistics in the article are bogus. It also completely discredits and puts down quality women. In my experience, quality women don’t pretend to be perfect and are not looking for perfection. They stick to their core values and trust their intuition while also being open-minded. Despite this, they are still struggling to find an equal partner. This article is appalling.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Ugh…you’re just wrong about this. If it were true then I and the vast majority of women I work with wouldn’t be meeting their men online. You have to know how to use online dating as a powerful tool. No blaming. Take responsibility to learn some new skills so you can do it differently. I promise that you’ll get netter results. Try ok?! Bp
Kristin says:
Lynn is 100 percent correct, most of the guys online are horrible.Delusional liars/ narcissistis.No quality men whatsoever.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hey Linn. You’re wrong. And angry. And you probably won’t get much help from anyone because you would obviously rather be right than happy. You’re digging being a victim. That’s ok. I get it. I was once where you are.
When/if you ever get over blaming everyone and everything else for your shitty times with men, come on back. Meantime don’t challenge my integrity or my expertise. I am married to a man I met online. Check out my success stories to see all the other women who prove that this is a real way to meet good men. https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/success-stories/
If you want to bring other women down to your level of misery…if you want to attack someone’s professional integrity… please go somewhere else. I’m busy helping people live happier lives. Hope you can find a way to do that yourself.
KC says:
Preach it Linn! I agree with you 100%.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Hi Linn. You are entitled to your opinion, of course. But you’re wrong. Dead wrong. My husband (whom I met online), as well as the men my many, many clients have met (online) are definitely not ugly, cheaters, losers, players, unattractive, douchbags, criminal or really weird. Sorry to say, but we tend to attract what we put out. You are clearly expecting these guys to all be creeps – and lo and behold…they are! People read my blog because I help them find love. And I help them love themselves. Oh, and I help them learn to have more kindness toward men. I’m sorry I can’t help you do that, Linn. For your sake, I hope you find someone who can. Bp
Linn says:
Bullshit. I know exactly what I want and the men I’ve dated are not it. I’ve also tried your way of being open minded and positive and that has resulted in nothing. 100% of all guys I’ve talked to and met through dating sites have been either ugly, cheaters, losers, players, unattractive, douchbags, criminal or really weird (or, most often, a combination). And I’ve been doing online dating for 3 years all in all. I’m sick and tired of it now and people like you just write shit like this so people will read your blog. It has no truth to it. The truth is that quality men, real quality men, would never be on a dating site. He is busy with his career, family, friends and hobbies. He doesn’t spend his days on dating sites! He meets his partner in real life and don’t need to resort to online dating. This is the reason I’ve now decided to quit online dating. Only loser men use those sites.
bobbi says:
Hi Vicky. I know it can be frustrating. It sounds like you have a done a lot yet your results still stink. I have to tell you my truth, which I think you already know: the only common denominator is you. I know that sounds tough but understanding and accepting this was my #1 Epiphany. Changed everything. And it’s the good news: it means that you can change things!
The one thing that stands out in your brief comment is this: I am not a needy woman, as I can take care of myself. I suggest you read this article https://datelikeagrownup-com.mystagingwebsite.com/needy-women-get-the-nice-guys/ and also my ebook, if you haven’t already. Our stories sound alike. My ebook tells mine and how I got out of the “WTF” mode. Let me know what you find out!
I’m here for ya. Let’s get this mystery solved. Love, Bp
Vicky says:
I have been trying to find just a few quality men to date for three years. I have cast my net far by using multiple sites. I have tried to keep my range within 50 miles distance as distance is a issue with most people who are seniors. The date sites profess thousands of new members everyday, so why do I keep seeing the same faces I have seen the past three years, and rarely ever see a new face, or if you do they are so far away there is no hope of a relationship. I am a beautiful woman for my age, good personality, and many talents. I have studied all the do’s and don’ts of online dating and still have had no success. I am open to a relationship, emotionally, physically, no baggage. I do not expect perfection, but then I will not sell myself short either. I am not a needy woman, as I can take care of myself, so what is wrong with this picture. Will I be forced into seeking love on a Sugar Daddy site in order to find quality men, and then how many of them are really seeking a relationship other than sexual. What advise can anyone offer that I haven’t already tried again with no success. Thanks
Jewish Dating Sites says:
Every day, someone is meeting their future dream husband or wife. You don’t have to take any more chances of wasting time with the wrong boring people when you can have a choice of who to let date you now. Always be cautious with anyone you meet, but also give things a chance and have fun with those that feel right.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Love your first line; how true! Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting.
Bobbi Palmer says:
Kara…your comment truly warms my heart. Thank you so much for taking time to write. I’m inspired by your perseverance and warm, open heart. You know I love you and I know you’ll find that great man who loves and adores you. Keep it up! That lucky guy is out there looking for you.
Kara says:
Thank you for these awesome articles Bobbi. You know just what to say to keep a girl motivated in finding the man she deserves. It’s truly inspiring.
Sarah says:
I thought the same thing for so long and when I took your advice and got rid of those negative thoughts, someone came into my life. I’m taking it slow and it feels great. (oh and he is bald but it looks so good on him)