Of all the questions asked of me as a dating and relationship coach for women over 40, this is one of the most common: “Why hasn’t he called? I’m going crazy! What do I do?” (The “what do I do” is not always specifically asked, but it’s always implied.)
Just in the last week I’ve received two specific questions about this from visitors to my website. Here are the emails and my responses.
Hi Bobbi. I will be 40 in five months and since I married at a very young age, I have no dating experience outside of my recent challenging—and believe me, they were challenging! I’ve met the guy who is just looking for a booty call; I’ve met the guy who likes to hear himself talk and is creepier and freakier at every next meeting; and now I’ve finally met the one who seems to be sensitive, knows what he’s looking for (as I do), we have a lot in common and enough differences, but I don’t know what’s next!
We’ve spoken on the phone for over three weeks and just went on our first date two days ago. When we parted ways, it seemed that he was indicating that he would like to see me again, and I indicated the same in a text that I sent later to let him know that I enjoyed our time together and looked forward to seeing him again soon. I read all about the types of women that you addressed on your website. I am none of those women. I am confident, independent, successful and know what I want. However, not knowing what’s next is driving me crazy!!!! ~~Brandi
Hi Brandi,
Glad you wrote! I know…it’s what we women have to endure. Somehow our brains just weren’t made to do well with broken links (aka the unknown). Add emotion…then add the independent and successful woman’s need to control to the mix and…well, you’re living what happens.
Here’s the thing: what you do next is NOTHING. You’ve done what you can. You were your best self on the date and let him know you were interested. It’s now out of your control. Yes…Out of Your Control!
So next…just live your life. Sounds like you have a really nice life and you dig yourself…excellent! Keep doing that and being that woman, and I promise that the right man will come. And remember, if this guy is who you think he is and he doesn’t come back, it’s probably because he knows something about himself that makes him a bad match for you. That, too, is excellent.
As a minor tip: when you follow up with your appreciation and interest – which was great to do — nix the “soon” part. Just let him know you had a nice time and exert no pressure or expectation. I’m sure you can see the difference. You’re doing great!
Here is another email I received on this same topic:
Hello, I have a question and hope you can help me. I met a really nice guy last Sunday. We talked and he wanted me to go over his place (I know he was testing the water), so I told him NO that I didn’t even know him. He asked me for my number and kissed me. I suggested we could go for coffee or a drink later if he wanted to see me. He texted me an hour later saying it was nice to meet me and he was looking forward to seeing me later that night. I texted back saying it was nice and to call me to make plans. 9 pm comes around and he calls me. He says he is working late and can see me later. I tell him sorry but it was too late for a Sunday night but I could make it another time. He called an hour later and we talked. He seemed interested and said if he could invite me for dinner during the week instead. I don’t plan on calling him, but how long before I wait for his invite before I forget about him? ~~Naty
Hi Naty,
Consider it forgotten…right now. This is a major mistake we all make. And I mean ALL, as I did it literally hundreds of times! We meet a guy for a second, pin our hopes on him, talk ourselves into a tizzy…and all the while he’s doing what he’s going to do. We have no control over it whatsoever. And he’s only One Man! There are thousands and thousands more.
So…just live your life!
Hope is a wonderful thing, but make it an overall hope and belief that you will find a fantastic, loving partner−not a hope for every guy you meet who shows any interest. When he’s in front of you (after you get to know him), you will know it. This guy…he’s a blip in your life, so far. Keep it that way. Keep walking around smiling, stay online, or do whatever you’re doing to meet more men.
If he calls and asks you out like a gentleman, then great! He does seem somewhat interested, and he very well may. But there’s as much a chance that he won’t.
SO WHAT! This is important: you don’t know him at all. That’s the truth. Don’t talk yourself into giving him more space in your life than he deserves. He’s a stranger. You had a nice time with him once. That’s it.
Make sense? And if you haven’t already, you may want to read my eBook, 7 Secrets to Finding Love after 40. I think you’ll get a lot out of it, including where to place yourself and your value when it comes to men.
So…what do YOU think? Does this ever happen to you? What do you do when he doesn’t call?
Paula says:
In this era of instant communication, somebody who does not call is not interested and it does not matter why. I have had my feelings hurt by the dude who does not call when he says he will but I figure that somebody showing me they are flakey or unreliable early on is a good thing. The biggest BS I encounter in dating are the “too busy people”. If you are so busy that you cannot make a quick phone call to touch base or even a text then maybe you are also “too busy” to be dating, The way I see it you can call, text, or email somebody so if thet don’t there is the answer you got from that person. No response is a response. And people who want to spend time with us actually make the effort to spend time with us. Of course, there has to be some reciprocity but in the end I don’t think any of us want to date low effort men. I know at least that I don’t. I think women often like to make excuses for other people when they behave badly and we do ourselves a big disservice with that. I recently ended a friendship not a romance with a man because he said some disrespectful things to me and he apologized when I called him on it but really when I looked back he had a pattern of that. So, I concluded I did not want to be friends with that person which did suck somewhat because making new friends in the 40 plus age group can be just as challenging as dating.
I guess I am at the point in dating and in friendship where I am not going to compromise on things like behavior or ambiguity because really those so called “mixed messages” from people are not really mixed they are telling us something important. I feel like the best thing I can do for myself is to really listen to what men say to me when I do date because often before people get to know you they are surprisingly full of information. People are often not as mysterious as we make them out to be. Actions and behavior count.
Alita says:
Thank you so much for your advice ladies.. it helps so much. I’m at a pivotal moment in my life. 45 year old college student.. finally getting help with my ADD brain and I’m finally emotionally ready to find a mate.
Please.. please.. keep up the good work.
alita
bobbi says:
Hi Bree…this is the question I get asked most often: Why didn’t he call me? Why is he acting like that? It’s all about trying to figure out what the guy is thinking. You can’t. You can only know what you’re thinking and it sounds like you’re miserable about this guy. Seems to me that you had a nice date. That’s all. And until you hear something else that shows further interest in a way that pleases you…that’s is all it will ever be. Don’t try to figure it out. Move on. This guy isn’t BF material. His behavior is not that of a grownup man who wants a real relationship. (That he asked you to be his girlfriend after one date does not strikes me as being a little kooky.) Hang in there. There are tons of nice men out there but they only find you when you make it clear you expect to be treated nicely. Hugs, Bp
Bree says:
Okay so There’s this guy that I really liked and I got the impression he liked me too. After a while he asked me and we went to the movies and saw “fun size” we held hands and all that suff and half way through he kissed me the. After he took me to the beach but he didnt do anything, nothing at all and he dropped me home gave me a hug and hasn’t bothered to make more plans but told me he wants me to be his girlfriend? What the hell is going on I’m totally confused!
bobbi says:
Thanks Patti. Always happy to hear your take on things! Hugs, Bp
Patti says:
Actually, I’m getting the opposite impression in Naty’s case. She barely met the guy and he’s asking her to his place (usually he’s hoping for sex). She says no, and they agree to drinks/coffee later, but he doesn’t pin down a time or place (from Naty’s letter saying that she told him to call her to make plans). The guy can’t come up with a time to meet a few hours later? Then he calls at 9pm and says he’s “working late” but can see her later (again, it sounds like he’s hoping for sex, given the late hour). Naty says it’s too late, he says dinner later in the week, but he doesn’t set a specific day. Twice now (in one day) he can’t make plans more than an hour in advance?
Bobbi’s right in saying to consider it forgotten and to live your life. Quite honestly, I wouldn’t give this one much more thought. He tried to get her to his place when she didn’t even know him, he tried again the same day but late at night (definition of booty call), then makes a throwaway comment about dinner another day but doesn’t make plans. Given these three red flags, I wouldn’t bother calling him. If he does call and ask her out for dinner, great. But so far, he seems only interested in one thing, and I think he realizes by now that he’s not going to get it from her very easily and will move on to an easier target.
Bobbi’s definitely right about this guy being a stranger and not giving him more space than he deserves. It’s hard, but through Bobbi I’ve learned that if a guy wants to see me, he will. He’ll call. I don’t need to spend my time fretting over whether he will or won’t. And yes, the insecurity of whether he will or won’t creeps in. But I just have to push it back out, and keep on living. He knows how to find me.
Erin says:
Hey Bobbi,
I’m so with you on this one, Bobbi! Just let it be what it’s going to be and keep living your life. It really is the most attractive thing we (as women) can do. Getting upset or antsy about him not calling only means that you have made more of an investment in this new “relationship” than he has.
What’s going on with this kind of behaviour?!? As Bobbi points out in her blogs and books, it’s all about understanding men. When we know a guy and we make excuses for him (to our friends or family), it’s because (we believe and usually rightly so that) we have an understanding of what’s going on in the guy’s life. When we don’t know a person well enough to do this, it does make our empathetic heart go a bit nuts.
Ok, so accept that you don’t know why he didn’t call or email (or text). There could be a thousand possible explanations going on in his mind. Naty was given the line, “he is working late and can see me later”. Sounds like he is working on his purpose. It may just be that meeting you (Naty) has made him realize that he really needs to step up to the plate at work and get that promotion that he’s been eyeing, because now he’s finally met someone worthy and he believes he needs to be more for her. It could mean this or something else.
It could mean that he realized in meeting you that you are way out of his league. Whether this is true or not, remember this is what he believes.
It could also mean that he is not emotionally mature enough for what you are offering. That doesn’t mean that he’s not interested, but he does know that it won’t take long for a bright, beautiful woman to figure out that he really doesn’t have his, ah, “stuff” together. He would rather not be embarrassed and rejected later.
It could also mean that he was hit by a car, or someone close to him was injured… or his dog died… or some other calamity. In which case, he may not even contact you later, cause he’s embarrassed that he “dropped the ball”.
The end result is to understand when the time for understanding comes up. Until then, keep dating, keep meeting people, keep the doors and opportunities open and coming into your life.
I learned the hard way (as you have also mentioned, Bobbi) that men can also be immature, insecure and unsure of themselves. I recognize that I’m going to meet lots of men like this, simply because there are lots of men that are not ready. My ability to be “understanding”, by just being cool and relaxed about it all makes an impression on them, while the whole time it really is about me and not going crazy while “dating over 40”.
Thanks for the great post!
Erin