Of all the questions asked of me as a dating and relationship coach for women over 40, this is one of the most common: “Why hasn’t he called? I’m going crazy! What do I do?” (The “what do I do” is not always specifically asked, but it’s always implied.)
Just in the last week I’ve received two specific questions about this from visitors to my website. Here are the emails and my responses.
Hi Bobbi. I will be 40 in five months and since I married at a very young age, I have no dating experience outside of my recent challenging—and believe me, they were challenging! I’ve met the guy who is just looking for a booty call; I’ve met the guy who likes to hear himself talk and is creepier and freakier at every next meeting; and now I’ve finally met the one who seems to be sensitive, knows what he’s looking for (as I do), we have a lot in common and enough differences, but I don’t know what’s next!
We’ve spoken on the phone for over three weeks and just went on our first date two days ago. When we parted ways, it seemed that he was indicating that he would like to see me again, and I indicated the same in a text that I sent later to let him know that I enjoyed our time together and looked forward to seeing him again soon. I read all about the types of women that you addressed on your website. I am none of those women. I am confident, independent, successful and know what I want. However, not knowing what’s next is driving me crazy!!!! ~~Brandi
Glad you wrote! I know…it’s what we women have to endure. Somehow our brains just weren’t made to do well with broken links (aka the unknown). Add emotion…then add the independent and successful woman’s need to control to the mix and…well, you’re living what happens.
Here’s the thing: what you do next is NOTHING. You’ve done what you can. You were your best self on the date and let him know you were interested. It’s now out of your control. Yes…Out of Your Control!
So next…just live your life. Sounds like you have a really nice life and you dig yourself…excellent! Keep doing that and being that woman, and I promise that the right man will come. And remember, if this guy is who you think he is and he doesn’t come back, it’s probably because he knows something about himself that makes him a bad match for you. That, too, is excellent.
As a minor tip: when you follow up with your appreciation and interest – which was great to do — nix the “soon” part. Just let him know you had a nice time and exert no pressure or expectation. I’m sure you can see the difference. You’re doing great!
Here is another email I received on this same topic:
Hello, I have a question and hope you can help me. I met a really nice guy last Sunday. We talked and he wanted me to go over his place (I know he was testing the water), so I told him NO that I didn’t even know him. He asked me for my number and kissed me. I suggested we could go for coffee or a drink later if he wanted to see me. He texted me an hour later saying it was nice to meet me and he was looking forward to seeing me later that night. I texted back saying it was nice and to call me to make plans. 9 pm comes around and he calls me. He says he is working late and can see me later. I tell him sorry but it was too late for a Sunday night but I could make it another time. He called an hour later and we talked. He seemed interested and said if he could invite me for dinner during the week instead. I don’t plan on calling him, but how long before I wait for his invite before I forget about him? ~~Naty
Consider it forgotten…right now. This is a major mistake we all make. And I mean ALL, as I did it literally hundreds of times! We meet a guy for a second, pin our hopes on him, talk ourselves into a tizzy…and all the while he’s doing what he’s going to do. We have no control over it whatsoever. And he’s only One Man! There are thousands and thousands more.
So…just live your life!
Hope is a wonderful thing, but make it an overall hope and belief that you will find a fantastic, loving partner−not a hope for every guy you meet who shows any interest. When he’s in front of you (after you get to know him), you will know it. This guy…he’s a blip in your life, so far. Keep it that way. Keep walking around smiling, stay online, or do whatever you’re doing to meet more men.
If he calls and asks you out like a gentleman, then great! He does seem somewhat interested, and he very well may. But there’s as much a chance that he won’t.
SO WHAT! This is important: you don’t know him at all. That’s the truth. Don’t talk yourself into giving him more space in your life than he deserves. He’s a stranger. You had a nice time with him once. That’s it.
Make sense? And if you haven’t already, you may want to read my eBook, 7 Secrets to Finding Love after 40. I think you’ll get a lot out of it, including where to place yourself and your value when it comes to men.
So…what do YOU think? Does this ever happen to you? What do you do when he doesn’t call?
In this era of instant communication, somebody who does not call is not interested and it does not matter why. I have had my feelings hurt by the dude who does not call when he says he will but I figure that somebody showing me they are flakey or unreliable early on is a good thing. The biggest BS I encounter in dating are the “too busy people”. If you are so busy that you cannot make a quick phone call to touch base or even a text then maybe you are also “too busy” to be dating, The way I see it you can call, text, or email somebody so if thet don’t there is the answer you got from that person. No response is a response. And people who want to spend time with us actually make the effort to spend time with us. Of course, there has to be some reciprocity but in the end I don’t think any of us want to date low effort men. I know at least that I don’t. I think women often like to make excuses for other people when they behave badly and we do ourselves a big disservice with that. I recently ended a friendship not a romance with a man because he said some disrespectful things to me and he apologized when I called him on it but really when I looked back he had a pattern of that. So, I concluded I did not want to be friends with that person which did suck somewhat because making new friends in the 40 plus age group can be just as challenging as dating.
I guess I am at the point in dating and in friendship where I am not going to compromise on things like behavior or ambiguity because really those so called “mixed messages” from people are not really mixed they are telling us something important. I feel like the best thing I can do for myself is to really listen to what men say to me when I do date because often before people get to know you they are surprisingly full of information. People are often not as mysterious as we make them out to be. Actions and behavior count.